Me: Poor Terry.

Nell: David simply takes it too far.

Me: He’s a Big Beautiful Affectionate Boy.

Nell: You can’t just climb on to someone like that. Uninvited.

Me: He was so pleased to see Terry again.

Nell: Mutley and Harriet know how to behave. Wait quietly for stroking with head bowed.

Me: Dave’s not very good at waiting.

Nell: No. He really isn’t.

Me: How do you feel about a visit to Widecombe Fair today? The weather is looking good.

Nell: Where is it?

Me: Up on Dartmoor. You’ve been there before. You might even see Uncle Tom Cobley and all.

Nell: What are you talking about? I don’t have an Uncle Tom Cobley and who are all? The Welsh Corgi choir?

Me: No. It’s a song, Nell. Although they might be there come to think of it.

Nell: Those corgis get everywhere. They were busking at Covent Garden a few days ago.

Me: Goodness me.

Nell: They borrowed the Whippets Institute minibus and off they went.

Me: Did they visit The Queen while they were in London? Only she has a soft spot for corgis.

Nell: One does not simply turn up on The Queen’s doorstep, corgi or not. The mere idea.

Me: By the way, have you heard anything from Meghan and Harry recently?

Nell: Naturally. Meghan and I swap stories about Archie and Rainbow all the time.

Me: Rainbow?

Nell: Your granddaughter. Formerly known as Baby Snail, actually called Faye Raine and now known as Rainbow.

Me: Yes, I know but why are you swapping stories?

Nell: They are almost the same age. May babies. Rainbow has a little red in her hair too.

Me: Have you seen Archie then?

Nell: Of course I have. I am his dogmother after all.

Me: I didn’t know. Sorry.

Me: Look at Dave. My Big Beautiful Boy has such soft eyes this morning.

Nell: He is having Extra Special Cuddling Time on the big bed with Harriet. I am watching over them both.

Me: Any particular reason?

Nell: It is a wet and windy Monday.

Me: Yes, the weather is awful.

Nell: And he was a Good Patient Boy at the weekend.

Me: What did he do?

Nell: He peeled the vegetables for Poppy’s Cottage pie and then shared it with others.

Me: Good Brave Boy.

Nell: He also played quietly with Henry and Horst while Harriet was reading to Mutley.

Me: I’m having trouble thinking of a game a large Labrador could play with two woodlice.

Nell: Horst and Seek is their favourite.

Me: How do you play?

Nell: Horst hides and David and Henry have to find him. It’s not bucket science.

Me: Don’t you mean rocket?

Nell: No. You can’t measure biscuits with a rocket. Don’t be silly.

Me: Quite. I’m guessing it might be quite a slow game.

Nell: Nonsense. Horst is a master of disguise. Malcolm thought he was a stray peanut a few days ago and was about to put him in the bird feeder. Fortunately his bandana saved him.

Me: I sometimes wonder if Henry and Horst actually say anything. Could it all be in Dave’s head?

Nell: Have you heard some of Henry’s jokes? David couldn’t have made those up.

Me: But has anyone else ever heard them?

Nell: Of course we have. David is always telling them. He has keen ears. I’ve told you this before.

Me: I can tell insect jokes, you know. Have you heard the rumour about a giant butterfly in London?

Nell: No.

Me: It’s probably just an urban moth.

Nell: That’s dreadful.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: We had a lovely cuddle at the Kingsbridge Show yesterday didn’t we?

Nell: Yes. Sometimes when one has been gazing at farm machinery for hours one just needs a quick cuddle.

Me: I couldn’t help noticing someone’s eaten your new lead.

Nell: It was by mistake. Let’s not dwell on it.

Me: I must say I wasn’t expecting the camels. I knew there would be sheep but not camels.

Nell: Alejandro told me his cousins were performing.

Me: They were awfully polite with beautifully brushed hair. The last camel I rode on in Morocco wasn’t like that at all.

Nell: That was in the 1960’s. Times have changed. The CIA has seen to that.

Me: What on earth has the CIA got to do with camels?

Nell: It’s in the name. Camels International Agency. They fight for the rights of camels all over the world. Do keep up.

Me: I didn’t know.

Nell: You’ll be telling me you haven’t heard of the FBI next.

Me: Of course I have.

Nell: Gull was suggesting Malcolm should join but he wasn’t sure he qualified and there’s a question mark over Timothy too.

Me: Why would a flamingo and a turkey want to join the FBI? And why would a seagull even suggest it?

Nell: All valid questions but Gull says that nowadays Flying Birds International is willing to open its doors to birds who only fly a little.

Me: Words fail me.

Nell: They’d better not.

Me: I’m so glad we gave Gull a chance.

Nell: Yes. I had my reservations at first but Gull’s won me over. It seems it’s possible to have a good Beefy.

Me: The only white sheep in the family.

Nell: Why are you bringing sheep into it?

Me: It was just a saying. Sorry.

Me: Somebody ate the oven gloves.

Nell: It was David. He ate them by mistake.

Me: Well, they are useless now.

Nell: It’s your fault, anyway. He was traumatised.

Me: How is it my fault?

Nell: Telling us all we can only eat soft food.

Me: Kev has damaged his tooth so he can’t chew.

Nell: Yes, we are very sorry about that.

Me: So all chewy food is off the menu.

Nell: You gave away our bacon.

Me: Yes, to our friends Terry and Marian. They’re renting a holiday apartment and they can use it for breakfast today.

Nell: It was our bacon.

Me: As soon as Kev’s tooth is fixed there will be bacon again.

Nell: I’m guessing steak is off the menu too?

Me: I’m afraid so. There will be lots of fresh fish, though.

Nell: This will not end well. A dog cannot live by fish alone.

Me: I think you’re being a little dramatic.

Nell: Fortunately The Cat is hosting a Strictly Come Dancing party at the Big House this evening and the Whippets Institute are catering.

Me: Sponge cakes and dainty sandwiches?

Nell: Certainly not, barbecue ribs, burgers and sausages. You need food in the paw and lots of it when you’re dancing.

Me: I thought you were watching it on television.

Nell: Nobody just watches. They join in.

Me: I didn’t know.

Nell: Alejandro is in charge of the barbecuing with help from Rupert.

Me: I didn’t think wolves liked fire.

Nell: I didn’t think wolves wore knitted cardigans.

Me: I’ll be sad to miss the party.

Nell: You won’t miss it. Alejandro is barbecuing some fresh mackerel for Kev courtesy of Gull.

Me: Gull?

Nell: The innocent Beefy with the placard and bandana. We are Giving Gull a Chance.

Me: Oh. Sorry.

Me: Harriet gave me such a look when I walked into the living room.

Nell: You probably disturbed her.

Me: I thought Morning Thoughts were over.

Nell: Yes, but she is having a girly chat with Gladys, Susan and David.

Me: Dave?

Nell: Yes, apparently she needs some advice about Jim. You know how much David loves discussing relationships.

Me: He does and he is very good at listening. Are Harriet and Jim having problems, then?

Nell: Jim is awfully busy at the moment and I think she feels neglected. But what’s a farm dog to do?

Me: I hope there aren’t any other handsome hounds on the horizon waiting to tempt her away.

Nell: Don’t start.

Me: She is such a beauty.

Nell: I don’t think Jim shares her love of books. He’s more of an outside dog. But then opposites attract. Look at Gladys and Alejandro.

Me: Henry and Horst were there, too, by the way. When I saw their bandanas I knew it was them.

Nell: Those woodlice get everywhere. Charlie and I were having a quiet cup of tea and saw them both on the window sill.

Me: They certainly get around.

Nell: Talking of getting around, have you seen Rupert’s new motorbike?

Me: Knitwear Wolf rides a bike?

Nell: Yes, he has all the gear. It’s the first time I’ve seen him out of wool, but safety first.

Me: I expect he was wearing wool underneath.

Nell: I’d prefer not to discuss underneath thank you. I’m already recovering from the sight of a wolf at the door in leathers.

Me: Not something you see every day.

Nell: He brought Harriet a beautiful soft shawl in turquoise to match her collar.

Me: How interestingly thoughtful of him.

Nell: It was just a shawl.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Look at Dave. He’s wearing your old boy’s collar.

Nell: Yes. It is a family heirloom and he has behaved well enough on the lead to wear it.

Me: What a Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: He has demonstrated Caring Ways and Loving Loyalty.

Me: Has Mutley recovered from yesterday?

Nell: He is having a lie-in. Malcolm said Alejandro is refusing to leave his hammock and Gladys is wearing dark glasses.

Me: Knitwear Wolf seemed quite chirpy when he delivered the papers.

Nell: Rupert is excessively optimistic. He actually suggested a breakfast meeting with The Cat to discuss the autumn line.

Me: The Cat doesn’t do breakfast.

Nell: I know. It’s rarely seen before ten and then only in a sequinned kimono with a cup of strong coffee.

Me: Any sign of the good Beefy?

Nell: There was a flyer attached to a mackerel this morning. Fresh from the sea on a bed of sea salt so perfectly usable.

Me: What did it say?

Nell: The usual. ‘Don’t judge a Beefy by its feathers’ but as far as I am concerned a Beefy cannot change its beak. If you know what I mean?

Me: Not really. Talking of feathers I saw a really unusual Beefy with black wings yesterday.

Nell: A black winged Beefy?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Oh dear. Did it have a black back too?

Me: A black backed black winged Beefy?

Nell: Yes.

Me: I think it did. Why?

Nell: Because a black backed black winged Beefy means trouble.

Me: Is there any way of shortening its name, Nell? Only this could take all day.

Nell: Don’t mock. Was there only one?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Did you bow?

Me: Of course not.

Nell: Very worrying. Always bow. They are worse than magpies.

Me: Oh dear. Sorry.

Me: It’s hard to believe Mutley will be 17 this month, isn’t it?

Nell: That’s because he won’t.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: You got his age wrong again. He will only be 16.

Me: That’s wonderful news.

Nell: Yes, but I’ve got to send the banner back and The Cat is having to resequin his bomber jacket.

Me: Is there such a word as resequin?

Nell: There is now. Ask The Cat.

Me: Oh dear. Although I’m not sure Mutley is a bomber jacket kind of dog.

Nell: Are you coming to Mutley’s talk this evening?

Me: I didn’t know there was one.

Nell: Yes. ‘Memoirs of a Travelling Mutt’. He will be discussing the time he toured the United States with his swing band.

Me: How lovely.

Nell: Yes. He and David are performing a few numbers with Knitwear Wolf. Personally I think wearing cardigans is a little dated but The Cat says they are wonderfully retro.

Me: Maybe Knitwear Wolf is actually a hipster.

Nell: Don’t be silly. He’s a wolf not a Bearded Collie.

Me: Is anyone else performing?

Nell: Alejandro. He’s singing with Gladys and the Pups.

Me: Don’t you mean Pips?

Nell: Certainly not. They’re Pomeranians not pears.

Me: What are they singing?

Nell: ‘Tequila’. Alejandro struggles with his English so it was an easy song to learn.

Me: It would be. It only has one word.

Nell: Fortunately the Whippets Institute Big Band were free.

Me: They have a Big Band?

Nell: Yes. Gladys plays the trumpet with them occasionally.

Me: I hope there’s going to be dancing.

Nell: Of course. You can’t have tequila without dancing.

Me: So cocktails for everyone then?

Nell: Except Timothy.

Me: Why?

Nell: Turkeys can’t take their tequila. Everyone knows that.

Me: Oh, I see. Sorry.

Nell: I have to say the bond between David and Harriet is wonderful to see.

Me: They adore each other. Where are they?

Nell: In the kitchen Crossing Paws and Touching Tails.

Me: I love it when they do that.

Nell: Yes. David is so relieved that Harriet is off the chicken and rice diet.

Me: He didn’t have to go on it too.

Nell: He insisted. Silly animal. He even sang a song at Morning Thoughts.

Me: About Harriet?

Nell: No. About bacon sandwiches.

Me: Did you know that Knitwear Wolf can sing?

Nell: I did not.

Me: I heard him chatting to Tony about his shanty crew.

Nell: The Old Gaffers?

Me: Yes.

Nell: They aren’t letting him join, are they?

Me: No. He was suggesting knitted jumpers for them all.

Nell: You mean 100% pure wool knitted in a charcoal grey coloured chunky rib loose stitch pattern.

Me: You sound awfully knowledgeable.

Nell: I’ve had to listen to that wolf droning on about it myself. He’s awfully excited about autumn.

Me: Anyway, Knitwear Wolf has a pleasant baritone and is looking forward to the nights drawing in.

Nell: Talking of night’s are you going to Alejandro’s evening class?

Me: I didn’t know he had one.

Nell: Of course. Basic Spanish. Haven’t you seen the Autumn schedule? We’re all involved.

Me: You are?

Nell: Cooking with Poppy, Contemporary Dance with Gladys, Dining with David.

Me: Dining with David?

Nell: You know David has a column in the Sunday Growl.

Me: He does?

Nell: Yes. He’s had it for a while. Do keep up. He‘s very good at talking food.

Me: He’s very good at eating food.

Nell: His last book was a bestseller. You must have seen it. ‘Meals I ate by Mistake’.

Me: I didn’t know. Sorry.

Me: Poppy is doing the Monday thing again.

Nell: She doesn’t like them. You know that.

Me: Nobody does, but we can’t all just stay in bed.

Nell: Malcolm says he’s happy to do the early shift on a Monday.

Me: That’s good.

Nell: Toast and marmalade is fine for everyone with boiled eggs for those needing a little more sustenance.

Me: Do you mean Dave and Alejandro?

Nell: Well, they are growing boys.

Me: Harriet was sick last night.

Nell: Yes. I’m keeping an eye on her. She has a delicate stomach so chicken and rice for her today.

Me: I like a nice paella.

Nell: What are you talking about? Harriet is not eating paella.

Me: I know. When I hear chicken and rice I think of paella.

Nell: Paella has lots of seafood and seasoning. Completely unsuitable for Harriet. Some add chorizo but I can’t say I’m a fan.

Me: Kev loves it.

Nell: Each to their own. Gladys will do anything for an Enchilada.

Me: Mutley feels the same way about Cornish pasties.

Nell: That Beefy is back with a bandana and a placard, by the way.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: It says: ‘No labels.’

Me: Is it referring to its bandana? Only Gladys said it has to say GOOD on the label to be real.

Nell: No. It’s saying not all Beefies are bad.

Me: I have to agree. Look at Susan. She’s a lovely seagull.

Nell: Susan was brought up by Humphrey the Heron far away from the evil machinations of Stephen Seagull and his gang.

Me: I say Nell. Machinations on a Monday. Good for you.

Nell: Yes, I was rather pleased with that myself.

Me: I think the Beefy deserves to be heard.

Nell: Not until after breakfast it doesn’t.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: What do you mean no Sunday roast?

Me: I thought we would have a beef casserole instead.

Nell: A beef stew? On a Sunday.

Me: Poppy said it was a good idea and she can make it ahead of time.

Nell: Sundays are roast days. You know that.

Me: Well, we are having a change.

Nell: What about Leftovers Monday then? Have you considered the implications?

Me: There will still be vegetables.

Nell: You can’t have stew sandwiches. The mere idea.

Me: Dave would probably eat them. Vegetables are good for you. Ask James Beddall. He’s a vegetarian.

Nell: Don’t bring Kind James into this.

Me: Just saying.

Nell: Did Knitwear Wolf deliver the Sunday papers?

Me: Yes. He’s having a cup of green tea with Malcolm in the kitchen.

Nell: And his outfit today?

Me: A fabulous knitted jumpsuit in forest green.

Nell: I don’t know what the world is coming to.

Me: I suppose wolves in knitwear drinking tea with flamingos is a little unusual.

Nell: No. I mean green tea. Why not Earl Grey, or even a good English Breakfast tea?

Me: You’re a bit grumpy.

Nell: Yes. I think I got out of my basket on the wrong side today. Apologies.

Me: Don’t worry.

Nell: What’s that dreadful noise?

Me: There’s a Beefy in the garden arguing with Gladys about bandanas.

Nell: Why?

Me: It says it’s wearing the genuine article and Gladys says it’s a cheap copy and Beefies couldn’t be good if they tried.

Nell: She has a point.

Me: Yes, but what if that Beefy is trying to turn its life around? What if GOOD heard about it and rewarded it with a bandana?

Nell: Turn its life around? A Beefy? Only in your imagination.

Me: It was just a thought. Sorry.