Me: The weather is perfect for walking at the moment, isn’t it? Sunny, but not too warm.

Nell: Yes.

Me: Harriet and Dave enjoyed a swim in the river.

Nell: David tried to play Cheeky Animals with me. Silly animal.

Me: He was having fun. Bless him.

Nell: It sounded like you had fun with Alice last night.

Me: We had a lovely dinner at the local pub and walked home in the starlight.

Nell: You didn’t have to be so loud.

Me: I walked through nettles, Nell. I got stung everywhere because they were as tall as me.

Nell: Why did you do that?

Me: The Devon lanes are small. I had to jump out of the way of a car.

Nell: You haven’t jumped in years.

Me: Well, clamber then. I clambered into a field of nettles.

Nell: A very foolish thing to do.

Me: Yes, I know that now.

Nell: Moving on, what’s your opinion on Starlings?

Me: I’m not sure I have one.

Nell: Owl Pacino says they’re bullies.

Me: Have you been talking to Owl Pacino?

Nell: Yes. He popped round with Tawny Tim yesterday evening for a cup of tea and a sandwich.

Me: That can’t have been the only reason.

Nell: He wanted to look at the top of the wardrobe, if you must know.

Me: And?

Nell: He found evidence of Starlings.

Me: Oh no! We’re never going to get that clean.

Nell: I’m talking feathers.

Me: Well, that’s a relief.

Nell: The Stuffed Tiger also appears to be involved.

Me: It can’t help but be involved, Nell. It’s sitting on top of the wardrobe and it can’t go anywhere.

Nell: Why not?

Me: It’s stuffed.

Nell: There’s more to that tiger than meets the eye. Mark my paws.

Me: Ok. Sorry.

Me: I’m in trouble again.

Nell: Why?

Me: Dave gave me a reproachful look.

Nell: Being Left Behind is never easy.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: We mature dogs are used to Being Left Behind but the younger ones struggle and David is still young at heart.

Me: Are you talking about Alice and I going out to lunch?

Nell: Going out to lunch at the Cottage Hotel you mean.

Me: Well, yes.

Nell: My favourite hotel.

Me: You weren’t Left Behind on your own. Kev was there and he said Dave and Harriet were happily playing in the garden.

Nell: No mention of me?

Me: You’re happy resting in the yellow chair nowadays, Nell.

Nell: And your point is?

Me: Everyone had lots of cuddles when we came home.

Nell: Guilty Cuddles.

Me: Stop it. This is a very special time for me. It might be a year before I see Alice again.

Nell: I know. I’m only teasing you. We’re all happy to see you happy.

Me: Thank you.

Nell: Now, you know Mothew and Harriet have been in meetings with Sally?

Me: Yes.

Nell: According to a reliable source, the Beefies have formed a new alliance.

Me: Is the reliable source your friend Dorothy?

Nell: I couldn’t possibly say.

Me: Is NOIR involved?

Nell: The Notorious Organisation of International Rooks?

Me: Yes.

Nell: It might be.

Me: Who else?

Nell: Herr Hoffmann knows.

Me: But Herr Hoffmann is a good bear.

Nell: We thought he’d started calling the Beefies his ‘darlinks’.

Me: Wasn’t it ‘luffly girls’?

Nell: The point is, he was actually talking about the Starlings.

Me: Starlings?

Nell: Mothew saw one with a Beefy on top of the wardrobe.

Me: Maybe they flew in by mistake?

Nell: With a half-eaten biscuit?

Me: Right. Sorry.

Me: I’ve been doing some thinking.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: Yesterday, we spent the whole day waiting for Alice to arrive.

Nell: Not the whole day. You collected her at 5pm.

Me: It felt like ages to me.

Nell: That’s because you’re very bad at Waiting.

Me: Unlike you, you mean?

Nell: I’m an excellent Waiter.

Me: Not all the time. When it comes to food you’re absolutely dreadful.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: But I must admit you were the best at Waiting for Alice yesterday.

Nell: Thank you.

Me: You just got onto the yellow chair and crossed your paws.

Nell: I can monitor the room from there, as well as all comings and goings, and still remain comfortable.

Me: The puppies waited by the window.

Nell: They like to watch the gate, and stop calling them puppies. They turned 7 in June.

Me: They’ll always be puppies to me. Dave was theoretically comfortable, with his head on one of Knitwear Wolf’s soft blankets.

Nell: Theoretically?

Me: Yes. He wasn’t really resting.

Nell: That’s all part of a Labrador’s skill. One needs to appear relaxed and at ease while actually being ready to spring into action at a moment’s notice.

Me: Harriet’s usually very good at Waiting but she wasn’t yesterday.

Nell: I think she’s exhausted from all the Spying. She and Mothew were in a meeting with Sally for over an hour.

Me: With Sally?

Nell: Yes.

Me: What about?

Nell: I have no idea, and if I did, I wouldn’t tell you.

Me: I can keep a secret.

Nell: Yes, but not very well.

Me: If Mothew is involved it must be about the top of the wardrobe.

Nell: Maybe. If only that Stuffed Tiger could talk.

Me: Well, it can’t. It’s stuffed. Sorry.

Me: The thing about my darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy is that he has a lot of different faces.

Nell: What are you talking about?

Me: Dave and his many faces.

Nell: It’s far too early for such nonsense. I haven’t even had a cup of Earl Grey yet.

Me: I was just going through photos of Dave and noticed how he can go from magnificent to nose-kissable in an instant.

Nell: Nose-kissable?

Me: You know the way you dogs stick your noses in our faces. Adorable.

Nell: I know no such thing. Pass me my handbag, please. I need my reading glasses.

Me: Is that the Daily Growl?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Some people would say it’s rude to read a newspaper in the middle of a conversation.

Nell: Some people shouldn’t start a conversation without offering a cup of tea.

Me: Does that mean you want me to make you one?

Nell: Sherlock Martin strikes again.

Me: Do you want some toast and marmalade?

Nell: That would be most acceptable. Don’t forget the farmhouse butter.

Me: Yes, ma’am.

Nell: Eleanor will do.

Me: Very droll.

Nell: I thought so.

Me: Good article?

Nell: It would be if I were allowed to read it.

Me: Alright, bossy boots. I’m going.

Nell: You’ve been a long time.

Me: I got talking to the Hoffmanns. Alice’s bringing them some treats from Germany.

Nell: What time is she arriving?

Me: She lands in Gatwick at 11:20 so she should be in Totnes by this afternoon.

Nell: Why not Heathrow?

Me: She’s attending a conference in Brighton next week. Gatwick’s nearer.

Nell: It’ll be lovely for you to spend some one-on-one time together.

Me: It will.

Nell: Now, drink your tea and we’ll discuss David’s faces. It’s ages until she arrives.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I would like to discuss yesterday’s walk with you, please.

Nell: What time is the house viewing again?

Me: Lunchtime, stop changing the subject.

Nell: I don’t think you should be chatting to me. There’s far too much to do with the viewing today and Alice arriving tomorrow. You must be rushed off your feet.

Me: You’re not going to avoid talking about this. We were all having a lovely walk when you decided to go your own way.

Nell: There are cushions to be plumped and the yellow chair might need a brushing down. It was looking a little hairy to me.

Me: I know you can hear me so don’t pretend you can’t. We looked for you everywhere. We didn’t realise you’d gone behind the trees.

Nell: And don’t forget to pick some flowers from the garden. Flowers make a room look nice and welcoming.

Me: When we finally found you, you were just sitting there smiling. As if you didn’t have a care in the world.

Nell: Another tip would be to ask Herr Hoffmann to rustle up another batch of his bread rolls. Everyone loves the smell of fresh bread.

Me: That’s actually a very good idea.

Nell: And we could take some with us when we go out for a walk. Everyone loves a picnic

Me: I’m not sure I want to take you after yesterday’s excitement.

Nell: I thought we all had to be out of the house, but I’m happy to stay and show the potential buyers around.

Me: You can’t just go your own way, Nell.

Nell: I didn’t. I was simply having a gentle sniffari.

Me: I was so worried when I couldn’t see you.

Nell: I’m always there, you know, even when you can’t see me.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Is something going on?

Nell: Probably. Why?

Me: Dave’s giving me the look.

Nell: What look?

Me: The Nell Look.

Nell: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Me: Yes, you do. It’s sort of reproachful and disappointed at the same time with a hint of sadness.

Nell: He’s just hungry.

Me: Look at him.

Nell: Oh, I see what you mean. What have you done?

Me: Do you think it’s about the Cuddle Nells?

Nell: No. I told him they’ll be back as soon as their work is done.

Me: Well, it’s got to be something.

Nell: It’s usually about bacon.

Me: It’s Monday. So it can’t be about bacon. Monday is a cereal day.

Nell: Not when it’s a Bank Holiday.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Bank Holidays are most definitely bacon days. They’re like an extra Sunday.

Me: I forgot.

Nell: What have you done?

Me: I told the Hoffmanns to take the day off.

Nell; What?

Me: I said we could make do and mend.

Nell: Make Do And Mend?

Me: Don’t shout. I knew we had leftovers in the fridge.

Nell: Bank Holidays are not Leftover Days.

Me: I realise that now.

Nell: Well, what are you going to do?

Me: Do you think a cuddle might help?

Nell: I know David’s partial to cuddles and he certainly won’t refuse, but it’s not going to help his grumbling tummy.

Me: There’s still cereal and toast, Nell. There might even be a boiled egg.

Nell: You’re going to have to do better than that.

Me: Maybe we could make a picnic with the leftovers and go down to the sea?

Nell: Now, that is a good idea.

Me: We could all frolic in the waves.

Nell: Frolic? We’re mature ladies. Get a grip.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: I need a word with you before Sunday Songs.

Me: What have I done now?

Nell: Keep your voice down.

Me: Why?

Nell: Anyone could be listening.

Me: There’s nobody here except for the Stuffed Tiger.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: It’s stuffed.

Nell: Look at your desk.

Me: Why?

Nell: Anything missing?

Me: No.

Nell: Are you sure?

Me: I think so.

Nell: How can you not have noticed they’ve gone?

Me: Who’s gone?

Nell: They’ve been keeping you company for the past three weeks.

Me: Are you talking about the Cuddle Nells?

Nell: Of course I am. Goodness only knows who’s taken them. I blame that tiger.

Me: I’ve sent them back to Canterbury Bears.

Nell: How could you?

Me: We need to make some changes before people can start to pre-order.

Nell: So this is what it’s come to, is it?

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: Anyone less than perfect is simply sent away.

Me: They’re coming back, Nell. I told Canterbury Bears we’d fallen in love with them.

Nell: I wouldn’t say ‘love’ exactly, but I’ve grown rather fond of them.

Me: I miss them, too, but they’re needed in the Canterbury Bears workshop at the moment to help create the final Nell.

Nell: I thought the Stuffed Tiger might have driven them out.

Me: I’m not sure it cares.

Nell: It cares about biscuits. Mothew found a half eaten one on the top of the wardrobe.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: It’s not getting any roast potatoes. And if I find a Yorkshire pudding’s gone missing there will be trouble.

Me: You can’t have Yorkshire pudding without gravy, Nell.

Nell: What’s that got to do with it?

Me: Nobody’s going to eat gravy on top of a wardrobe.

Nell: I hope you’re right.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I think we should talk about Bunnygate.

Nell: Don’t call it that.

Me: Fine. Chase the Rabbit.

Nell: It had nothing to do with me. Dave and Harriet were the ones who chased it.

Me: You joined in briefly.

Nell: I know my limitations.

Me: It was a fast runner.

Nell: David was faster.

Me: I’ve never seen anything like it. I know Dave’s a big dog but he usually lollops along in a casual way.

Nell: He’s a relaxed sort of animal.

Me: Not yesterday.

Nell: No.

Me: He went from 0 to 100 in a second.

Nell: That’s a slight exaggeration.

Me: One minute he was next to Kev and the next he was at the end of the activity field.

Nell: And back again.

Me: Yes.

Nell: I don’t know why that rabbit came into the activity field. Everyone knows dogs chase rabbits.

Me: I was expecting it to get away.

Nell: Not with David after it.

Me: He didn’t harm it. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. He just picked it up like a kitten and carried it around.

Nell: Proudly.

Me: Yes. When Kev and I told him to drop it, he did. And after a lot of sniffing, and the promise of treats, you all walked away.

Nell: The chase was over.

Me: As soon as it saw us go the rabbit stopped playing dead and ran under the fence.

Nell: It was lucky Poppy wasn’t with us.

Me: I’m afraid she wouldn’t have been as careful as Dave.

Nell: We Labradors have soft mouths.

Me: I still can’t believe how fast my darling boy can run.

Nell: Never judge a dog by its owner.

Me: Isn’t it book by its cover?

Nell: Can you run fast, or even at all?

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: Isn’t it interesting how still and quiet Harriet can be even when she’s actually on the alert?

Nell: She’s a trained spy.

Me: I was watching the light on her coat and the way she sits with slightly crossed paws. It’s beautiful.

Nell: Harriet is beautiful. Spies often are.

Me: I could never be a spy.

Nell: We established that a long time ago.

Me: Not even if I was wearing my all-encasing hat.

Nell: Especially not then.

Me: I wouldn’t have the patience.

Nell: Talking of patience, is all this going anywhere? Only I’m due to meet my friend Dorothy for lunch at the Salcombe Yacht Club.

Me: That lion won’t be there, will he?

Nell: I have no idea. Last seen he was in the kitchen choosing fish.

Me: Fish?

Nell: It’s Friday. We have a fish supper on a Friday and Lionel cooks it.

Me: Where does the fish come from?

Nell: The sea.

Me: I mean who supplies it?

Nell: The Royal Blubberies. Do keep up?

Me: Who?

Nell: Princess and Sir Roger Blubbery have started selling the fish they catch. If the Beefies can do it, so can they.

Me: You know Sir Roger isn’t really royal, don’t you? Poppy knighted him with her sword. And Princess is just her name.

Nell: You’ll be telling me David isn’t the Mayor of Kingsbridge next.

Me: I’m not sure they can call themselves The Royal Blubberies.

Nell; Well, they have, so get used to it.

Me: I hope we’re having sea bass. It’s my favourite fish.

Nell: It will be excellent whatever it is. Lionel is exceptionally talented at fish cookery.

Me: And pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes.

Nell: Why bring wool into this?

Me: Because you’re blind when it comes to that lion. Sorry.

Me: It was lovely to be back by the river. Harriet had a fabulous time.

Nell: She did.

Me: Was the water cold?

Nell: Not particularly, but it was lively.

Me: What does that mean?

Nell: On its way to somewhere else.

Me: Like Harriet? Always looking for the next adventure?

Nell: Yes.

Me: My Big Brave Beautiful Boy just wanted a long drink and a swim.

Nell: He went in a little too far for my liking.

Me: He has to, Nell. He’s a big lad.

Nell: David is not a lad. He’s a pedigree Labrador.

Me: It was good to see you joining in.

Nell: Yes, after all that ‘Getting The House Ready For Viewings Again‘ nonsense, I felt the need for a gentle paddle.

Me: You didn’t do any ‘Getting Ready’.

Nell: I was forced off my Yellow Chair.

Me: It needed cleaning.

Nell: A little Labrador hair never hurt anyone.

Me: Alice and the children are safely back in Germany with Andre, by the way.

Nell: She must be exhausted.

Me: She is. She wanted me to say a big thank you to everyone for their support and advice. It meant a lot.

Nell: I hope British Airways give her the compensation she deserves.

Me: So do I. It was truly outrageous.

Nell: Have we had any feedback from yesterday’s viewing?

Me: Not yet.

Nell: I shall be glad when all this is sorted. I seem to have had crossed paws for months.

Me: I know what you mean. It’s all very unsettling.

Nell: I fancy a nice cup of Earl Grey and one of Herr Hoffmann’s biscuits. It’s exactly what’s needed on a rainy day like today. Care to join me?

Me: I’d love to, but I’m afraid we’ve run out of biscuits again. Sorry.