Nell: You’re not going to believe this.

Me: I might.

Nell: It concerns Lionel King and a Palomino.

Me: Are we talking horses, or shawls?

Nell: Horses. You’re thinking of a Pashmina.

Me: Oh yes. Apologies. Has Lionel King taken up riding?

Nell: Not exactly. He’s fallen in love.

Me: We all know that, Nell. He’s been in love with you for years.

Nell: It’s not about me.

Me: Is Lionel in love with someone else?

Nell: Supposedly.

Me: Do you mean Lionel King has fallen in love with a Palamino?

Nell: It’s probably more of an infatuation, but he’s been seen with a pony in the village and they both have plaited manes.

Me: Gosh. Does the pony have a name?

Nell: Yes. It’s ridiculous.

Me: Horses often have unusual names. What is it?

Nell: Bobby Socks.

Me: Bobby Socks?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Does she like Frank Sinatra?

Nell: I have no idea.

Me: It’s actually rather a good name for a Palamino. They often have white socks.

Nell: What are you talking about?

Me: Maybe we’ll see them galloping past the house?

Nell: I have better things to do than watch Lionel make a fool of himself with a flighty mare.

Me: You’re jealous.

Nell: I am not.

Me: How do you know about Lionel King and Bobby Socks?

Nell: It’s the talk of the village.

Me: I suppose it would be. I wonder if Lionel sits on her back, or just canters along beside her?

Nell: Lions don’t canter.

Me: Lions don’t have plaited manes.

Nell: True. Have you ever ridden a horse?

Me: Yes, in Africa. It didn’t go well. What about you?

Nell: I’m a Lady Labrador not a Welsh Corgi.

Me: Corgis love horses, don’t they?

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: Nothing. Sorry.

Nell: We need to keep a closer eye on Nigel.

Me: Why?

Nell: He’s stolen David’s favourite old tea towel.

Me: Dave has hundreds of the horrible things. Surely he can spare one for Nigel?

Nell: Nigel doesn’t even like tea towels. He did it for Badness.

Me: Nonsense. Nigel is Naughty but he isn’t Bad.

Nell: He’s showing signs of Badness. It’s the Fame. All this Sherlock Bones nonsense has gone to his head.

Me: He’s only famous in the village. Nobody knows he’s Dr Watson otherwise.

Nell: Haven’t you read today’s Daily Growl?

Me: Not yet. I’ve been writing,

Nell: We’re all over it.

Me: We are?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Even me?

Nell: No. Not you. Thank goodness. Why you had to wear your all-encasing hat to Sunday Songs I will never know.

Me: I wanted to go incognito.

Nell: David ate the front of it.

Me: Nobody noticed.

Nell: True. They were far too busy noticing the Daily Growl taking endless photos of us.

Me: They certainly took a lot.

Nell: There’s a whole feature on us. Look.

Me: ‘The stars of Stephen Seagull’s latest blockbuster ‘Sherlock Bones and The Handsome Hound’ were spotted enjoying Sunday Songs in a quiet little Devon village.’

Nell: We were supposed to pretend we didn’t know they were going to be there.

Me: You look smart but you don’t look Knowing.

Nell: Nigel is wearing a moustache and a bowler hat.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Exactly. He’s dressed as Dr Watson.

Me: That is a little Knowing.

Nell: Yes, it is.

Me: I didn’t know Stephen Seagull had made other blockbusters.

Nell: He hasn’t, but that’s not the point.

Me: No, of course not.

Nell: As I said before, we need to keep a closer eye on Nigel.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Is that Marvin and Shannon?

Me: Yes. Chris sent me this sweet photo of them and it’s lovely because I know exactly where they are.

Nell: I know where they are. They’re in Toronto.

Me: Yes, but because I was there I don’t have to imagine it. I actually know because I’ve been there.

Nell: What are they doing?

Me: They’re having a little conversation on the steps outside their apartment. Just like us.

Nell: We’re not sitting outside.

Me: No, but we’re having a conversation.

Nell: It’s too cold to sit outside.

Me: I know.

Nell: It’s too early to sit outside.

Me: I know that, too.

Nell: And we don’t have any steps.

Me: I give up.

Nell: Also, I haven’t even eaten my bacon sandwich yet and I’m not leaving the house until I’ve finished it.

Me: Stop being difficult.

Nell: Or had a second cup of Earl Grey.

Me: All I’m saying is it’s nice to think of conversations between dogs and people taking place all over the world.

Nell: They aren’t just people. They’re family.

Me: I know they are.

Nell: Moving on, I think you should wear a baseball cap to Sunday Songs today.

Me: What?

Nell: You brought one back from Toronto for Kev but maybe you need to wear it.

Me: Why?

Nell: So you feel closer to Chris, Shannon and Marvin.

Me: They’re always with me, like you were when I was away.

Nell: Nice sentiment but you still need to wear a hat.

Me: Why?

Nell: Rumour has it a reporter from The Daily Growl is attending Sunday Songs.

Me: Won’t it look odd if we’re the only ones in hats?

Nell: It’s all round the village. Everyone will be wearing a hat. Do keep up.

Me: Okay. Sorry.

Me: We had a lovely time down by the river, didn’t we?

Nell: Harriet was in and out of the water as usual.

Me: She never stops running. Wasn’t it lovely when she came bounding up to us?

Nell: We were trying to have a quiet conversation at our bench.

Me: I didn’t mind. There’s nothing I like more than a happy Harriet.

Nell: I wanted to discuss sausages.

Me: Sausages?

Nell: Yes, Which do you prefer? Chipolatas or the normal ones?

Me: I prefer a chipolata. But why?

Nell: We’re watching Strictly Come Prancing this evening so I thought hot dogs in front of the television might be a good idea.

Me: I agree.

Nell: David will have to wear a bib, of course.

Me: Why?

Nell: You’re full of whys this morning, aren’t you? David always spills tomato ketchup down his fur and then insist on cuddling everyone and then we all get covered in ketchup.

Me: Oh yes. I remember now. May I suggest bibs for everyone?

Nell: No, you may not. I’m a Senior Lady Labrador. Ladies do not wear bibs.

Me: I might wear one.

Nell: You can do as you wish. Leave me out of it.

Me: I used to go to a restaurant in London called The Chicago Rib Shack and everyone wore a bib.

Nell: Remind me not to go there the next time I visit.

Me: I’m not sure it’s there anymore. It was a long time ago.

Nell: Anyway, I’m looking forward to the dancing this evening. My dear friend Anton du Bark is judging again.

Me: Oh yes. I forgot you used to be a ballroom dancer.

Nell: Anton says my Foxtrot was unforgettable.

Me: It was probably more of a Dogtrot.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: Sorry.

Me: Getting you and Dave to look at the camera at the same time is not easy. It took me three tries and then you gave me a hard stare.

Nell: It’s Friday and I’m tired. It’s been a long week.

Me: I think you’re both tired and Dave is so easily distracted. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: We have a lot on our minds.

Me: You might have a lot on your mind but let’s be honest, Dave doesn’t, apart from bacon.

Nell: Don’t underestimate the stress of having to be Impossibly Handsome all the time.

Me: What?

Nell: David feels it acutely.

Me: He does not.

Nell: He can’t just open the front door in his dressing gown and slippers to take in the mail.

Me: He doesn’t have any slippers.

Nell: Or leave to go to the gym in a baggy old track suit.

Me: Wait a minute. Are you talking about me?

Nell: Just saying. David has to be Impossibly Handsome at all times.

Me: No, he doesn’t.

Nell: It’s in his contract.

Me: Well, that’s not fair.

Nell: It is what it is.

Me: I would hate that.

Nell: It’s not something you need to worry about.

Me: Thank goodness.

Nell: We mature ladies bring more to the table than just our looks.

Me: You’re still a classic beauty, Nell.

Nell: You are most kind.

Me: It makes you think, doesn’t it?

Nell: Does it?

Me: It can’t be easy to be constantly in the public eye with people criticising your looks and what you wear.

Nell: Personally, I’m more concerned with what people say.

Me: So am I.

Nell: David’s been told to say nothing.

Me: About what?

Nell: How should I know? He’s not allowed to tell me.

Me: Oh yes. Sorry.

Me: Have you ever seen a more handsome animal than my Big Brave Beautiful Boy?

Nell: No. That’s why he was chosen as the Handsome Hound and David is not yours. His heart belongs to Sally.

Me: His heart belongs to all of us. He’s such a loving boy.

Nell: I’ve noticed Lady Anwen’s taken quite a shine to David.

Me: Really?

Nell: She watches him from behind her veil.

Me: Now you’re making her sound Nasty again, I thought she was Nice.

Nell: She still has a smile on her face.

Me: That’s even worse. Now she sounds like a smiling assassin.

Nell: Do calm down.

Me: She was seen having dinner at the local pub with that dreadful lion, by the way.

Nell: Lionel is lonely and so is she. Why shouldn’t they dine together?

Me: They were at the table in the corner where you can see everything and not be overheard.

Nell: How do you know all this?

Me: I have my contacts.

Nell: Did you ask Henry and Horst to spy on them?

Me: It’s not my fault if they fell onto her hat.

Nell: I can’t believe you did that.

Me: Don’t worry. Sally knew all about it. In fact it was her idea. She doesn’t trust that lion either.

Nell: So what were they talking about?

Me: Who? Henry and Horst?

Nell: No. Lionel and Lady Anwen. Do keep up.

Me: I have no idea. Henry and Horst only report back to Sally.

Nell: Why mention it to me then? They could have been discussing the weather.

Me: They looked far too intense to be talking about rain.

Nell: How do you know?

Me: I don’t. But I can imagine.

Nell: Well, stop right now, please.

Me: I’m not sure I can. Sorry.

Nell: What a lovely photo. I’m not sure if I’ve seen it before.

Me: It’s my mother in her garden with Seamus and Baby Nigel.

Nell: Look how tiny Nigel was. It’s hard to imagine now.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Today is your mother’s birthday, isn’t it?

Me: Yes. She would have been 91.

Nell: She was a lovely lady.

Me: She was.

Nell: And she loved dogs.

Me: She did. I remember in the last few weeks of her life she asked my sister Charlotte if there was any way of smuggling Nigel into the hospital for a cuddle.

Nell: And was there?

Me: No. Unfortunately not. Dogs are not allowed in hospitals.

Nell: These last few days have been full of memories for you, haven’t they?

Me: They have, but I’m trying to focus on the happy memories.

Nell: I know. It’s okay to be sad, too. It’s only in the darkness that the stars can shine.

Me: I remember you telling me that during a Covid Christmas. It’s a beautiful thought.

Nell: Yes. Talking of Christmas, why don’t you tell everyone the good news?

Me: Haven’t I told them already?

Nell: I don’t think so.

Me: Alice and Andre and the grandchildren are coming here for Christmas.

Nell: It’s going to be a very full house.

Me: It’s going to be a wonderfully full house. I can’t wait.

Nell: Herr Hoffman’s already planning a mixture of an English and German Christmas.

Me: It’s so exciting. Faye has never had an English Christmas and Jonathan was just a baby.

Nell: We have so much to look forward to, don’t we?

Me: We do.

Nell: But for now it’s fine to look back.

Me: I miss my mother so much.

Nell: I know.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: No sorries. Not today.

Nell: That’s Poppy.

Me: Yes. Kev found this photo of her and it’s so adorable I can’t stop looking at it.

Nell: Well, you can stop right now.

Me: Why?

Nell: It’s making you sad. I can tell.

Me: I still miss her.

Nell: We all do. I’d miss her more if I didn’t have her barking orders at me every day but there we are.

Me: How is she?

Nell: Busy and bossy. She’s keeping the Guardians on their toes.

Me: I bet they’re enjoying that.

Nell: I’m not at all sure they are. She says Mutley simply refused to cooperate and went and played his piano.

Me: Does Mutley have a piano up there?

Nell: He has a whole swing band.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: They were fairly ancient when Mutley was still down here with us.

Me: I suppose they were.

Nell: And now they’ve joined him.

Me: I like the idea of them all making sweet music together.

Nell: Poppy isn’t too pleased. She’s a heavy metal girl.

Me: I remember. Will you say hello from me?

Nell: I will.

Me: And tell her I miss her.

Nell: She knows. Now, how are you today?

Me: A bit sore, to be perfectly honest. I landed right on my tailbone so that’s hurting a lot.

Nell: Lucky we’ve still got your special cushion from the last time you did that.

Me: Yes. It was during Covid and Tony the Postman was at the gate. The Puppies rushed out and swept me off my feet.

Nell: I remember.

Me: Today is a day of Rememberings, isn’t it?

Nell: Every day is when you get older.

Me: True.

Nell: Enough looking back for now. It’s time to look forward. Herr Hoffmann has made croissants for breakfast.

Me: You’re right. Sorry.

Nell: Did you manage to sleep?

Me: On and off. I was awake very early,

Nell: Yes, I know. You had better tell everyone what happened yesterday.

Me: I tripped and fell in the kitchen.

Nell: You managed to stick a fork in your arm.

Me: I fell onto the open dishwasher.

Nell: I know. I was there.

Me: I pulled the fork out. There wasn’t too much blood.

Nell: It was just you and me at home.

Me: It was.

Nell: Everyone else was at Sunday Songs.

Me: They were.

Nell: I had a hat on.

Me: You did.

Nell: You lay on the floor for a while.

Me: You had a drink of water.

Nell: I thought I might as well have a little refreshment as you were taking so long to get up.

Me: I needed time to recover.

Nell: You continued unpacking the dishwasher until you realised you couldn’t lift anything.

Me: I think I might have been in shock.

Nell: We never got to Sunday Songs.

Me: No, we didn’t.

Nell: Everyone fussed over you when they got home.

Me: Yes. They did.

Nell: Sally was wearing a hat.

Me: She was but I still think she went to check up on Lady Anwen.

Nell: Who was very nice to you.

Me: Yes, she was.

Nell: As was Lionel King.

Me: I suppose so.

Nell: He gave you a boiled sweet for the shock.

Me: I didn’t want a boiled sweet.

Nell: It was kind.

Me: True.

Nell: So, now you’re covered in bruises with a hole in your arm.

Me: It’s a tiny hole. I was lucky.

Nell: You didn’t look lucky.

Me: I didn’t feel lucky but I was. It could have been much worse.

Nell: Don’t do that again.

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: Have you seen the boys?

Nell: Which boys? Henry and Horst are having some kind of Insect Gathering in the garden and Malcolm and Manuel are peeling vegetables for the Sunday Roast in the kitchen.

Me: I meant Dave and Nigel.

Nell: They’re in the living room telling jokes.

Me: Jokes?

Nell: It’s a boy thing. They seem to find it funny.

Me: Is Sally with them?

Nell: No, she’s gone to choose a hat for Sunday Songs.

Me: Where? It’s Sunday.

Nell: At The Cat’s apartment. It has hundreds in its Dressing Up Box.

Me: I don’t think a hat is the real reason Sally has gone to the Stately Home.

Nell: Yes, it is.

Me: I think it’s all part of her investigation.

Nell: Nonsense.

Me: I bet she comes back without a hat.

Nell: You have far too much imagination for your own good.

Me: I think Sally is checking up on Nice Lady Anwen. She’s staying there, isn’t she?

Nell: Yes. But Sally was chatting to her at afternoon tea yesterday?

Me: I know and she looked decidedly puzzled to me.

Nell: She was puzzled because David gave her a half-eaten scone.

Me: Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. Mistakes can happen, especially when you’re overexcited. She was puzzled about Nice Lady Anwen.

Nell: What about Nice Lionel King?

Me: Lionel King will never be Nice.

Nell: If Sally was puzzled she wouldn’t let anyone know she was puzzled. She’s too clever for that.

Me: She disguised it by pretending it was about Dave. You fell for it.

Nell: Are you telling me you noticed something I didn’t?

Me: Yes. I can be quite astute when I want to be. Have you seen my reading glasses?

Nell: They’re on your head.

Me: So they are. Sorry.