Nell: I am not sure I shall ever forgive you.

Me: Come downstairs and tell me what I’ve done now. I definitely didn’t mean to.

Nell: I am fine up here.

Me: So what did I do?

Nell: You know there was a grave misunderstanding about my weight a few weeks ago when you were off partying in Portugal.

Me: I know the vet said you needed to lose 2 kilos and I wasn’t partying I was just having a little quiet holiday.

Nell: Without me.

Me: Yes. Anyway what happened?

Nell: You know that I am an athlete and take my daily long and vigorous walks with Kev very seriously.

Me: Well, I know you certainly enjoy your walks and yes I have seen your dedication.

Nell:  Exactly. While you were away we were unable to walk as much as usual due to the stress of work and everyday life’and coping alone.

Me: Oh dear. That’s probably why your weight increased.

Nell: But now we are back on track and our split times are excellent.

Me: I’m not sure what they are but I’m sure you are right.

Nell: But this isn’t enough for you. Oh no. You have to put me through the humiliation of a public weigh in.

Me: The scales are in the vet’s waiting room. Anyway, you lost 2 kilos so you are perfect.

Nell: I thought I was always perfect in your eyes.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I love Spring. The daffodils are out and the birds are singing. 

Nell: Yes. Loudly.

Me: It makes you want to dress in bright colours.

Nell: It does?

Me: You want to skip and dance like the lambs in the field

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: Throw caution to the wind and chase your troubles away.

Nell: Have you been drinking?

Me: Why?

Nell: I hope you realise I will not be joining you in any of the dancing.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Or wearing a bright collar, or a flower in my hair.

Me: Yes.

Nell: One of us has to maintain our dignity.

Me: Yes.

Nell: You are not a lamb.

Me: No. Sorry.

Nell: Good holiday was it?
Me: Yes. The best bit was spending time with the children and grandson Jonathan.

Nell: Nothing missing?

Me: Of course I missed you and Kev and Mutley and little Poppy.

Nell: Yes.

Me: You seemed very pleased to see me when I got home last night. Snorting with joy.

Nell: I see no need to go into detail.

Me: I was really touched at how happy you were to have me home.

Nell: That was yesterday.

Me: Oh.

Nell: Happy Mother’s Day to all you wonderful mothers.

Me: That’s a lovely thing to say Nell. We do appreciate it.

Nell: We?

Me: Oh.

Nell: The happy snorting was yesterday.

Me: Yes, sorry.

Me: It’s International Puppy Day so I thought I would post a photo of you when you were little.

Nell: Yes. 

Me: Look at your gorgeous little face and those paws. Adorable.

Nell: Yes.

Me: Puppies are wonderful.

Nell: Yes.

Me: We should wish everyone a Happy Puppy Day!

Nell: Should we?

Me: You don’t seem very enthusiastic.

Nell: It was yesterday.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: It’s my birthday today. I am 5.

Me: I know. Happy Birthday darling Nell.

Nell: So where are you?

Me: I’m in Portugal.

Nell: Without me.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Another birthday alone.

Me: You aren’t alone you know. You have Kevin, Mutley and Poppy.

Nell: Not you though.

Me: No. I think you are having steak for dinner.

Nell: Steak?

Me: Yes.

Nell: If I told you I wasn’t going to be there on your birthday but I would give you a piece of steak would that make up for it?

Me: No.

Nell: I rest my case.

Me: Sorry.