Book · Winter

Labrador Deafness

Me: Nell, I want to talk to you about Labrador deafness.
Nell: Sorry?

Me: About how you sometimes don’t seem to hear me.

Nell: What did you say?

Me: It’s not funny, Nell. Dave has started doing it now too.

Nell: I was only just saying to Harriet that we need to work on our retrieving skills.

Me: I asked you a question and you’ve ignored me.

Nell: Sometimes the ball just floats past us in the sea.

Me: It’s so annoying.

Nell: Yes, it is because you have to swim around to find it.

Me: You heard me then.

Nell: Of course I did.

Me: Why didn’t you hear me before?

Nell: And David just doesn’t get the retrieving thing at all yet.

Me: He waded into the sea quite far when you two girls missed the ball.

Nell: Yes, that’s true. David did well that day.

Me: But when I call him he doesn’t hear me. It’s a selective deafness if you ask me. Don’t you agree?

Nell: Sorry?

Me: You are doing it again, Nell.

Nell: Did you say something?

Me: I give up.

Nell: Anyway, I think the answer to the retrieving problem is more time on the beach.

Me: Whatever.

Nell: We could go now then.

Me: Fine.

Nell: Good, I will tell the others

Me: You heard me well enough then, no sign of deafness.

Nell: Sorry?

Me: I don’t believe it.

Nell: Did you say something?

Me: Let’s just go now.

Nell: Excellent idea. David! Harriet! You heard what she said. Beach time!



Me: Oh good, Dave’s antlers have arrived.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: It’s about time. I’ve ordered some for Harriet too.

Nell: Are you completely insane?

Me: No, I asked and apparently it’s good for them and will keep them busy.

Nell: What about the rest of us? David wearing a pair of antlers. I’m moving out.

Me: No, they are to chew on.

Nell: You had me worried for a moment. 

Me: How could you even think that Nell? I’m not that silly.

Nell: I think you will find you are. I’ve been forced to wear the odd hat as you well know.

Me: They were just hats.

Nell: I’ve heard you remark on David’s resemblance to a wild animal.

Me: I just said he is so big when he sits at the top of the stairs he looks like a black lion surveying his kingdom.

Nell: A black lion.

Me: Yes.

Nell: David.

Me: Yes. But they don’t have antlers. If I’d bought him a mane you might have a point. A black mane would suit him.

Nell: I rest my case.


Top Dog

Me: So Labradors were voted Britain’s Top Dog!

Nell: Of course.

Me: I’m very pleased.

Nell: An obvious choice.

Me: Labradors rule!

Nell: Don’t get carried away.

Me: Go Labradors!

Nell: Enough now.

Me: Nell for Prime Minister!

Nell: Calm down.

Me: Harriet for Chancellor!

Nell: Here we go.

Me: Dave for Foreign Secretary!

Nell: That’s it. I can accept that I would be an excellent leader of the country and at a pinch Harriet could deal with finances as she is very level headed but the mere idea of David travelling around the world representing our country is more than I can take.

Me: He is ever so friendly, Nell. When we go to the beach he rushes over and welcomes all dogs.

Nell: He wanders off with other dogs. He joins their family. The animal is not to be trusted. He bounces.

Me: He always comes back though.

Nell: I can’t believe we are discussing David as Foreign Secretary. Look what you have made me do.

Me: You enjoyed that, Nell. You top dog.

Nell: I was top dog well before this announcement as you well know.

Me: Yes.

Nell: You need to learn restraint.

Me: I still like the idea of Dave as Foreign Secretary though.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: Sorry.

Book · Miscellaneous · Winter

Happy New Year

Me: Nell and I would like to wish you all a very Happy New Year.

Nell: That’s a great action photo of Harriet and I. You definitely didn’t take it.

Me: No, I didn’t, Nell. Thank you for that. It was Marian.

Nell: Lovely lady. Lovely photos.

Me: I agree.

Nell: So, it’s finally 2018.

Me: Thank goodness. Here is to new beginnings.

Nell: So what are you beginning then?

Me: I’m not sure.

Nell: Beginning to listen to me hopefully.

Me: I always listen to you.

Nell: I mean really listen and not just hear what you want to hear.

Me: You are being very harsh today.

Nell: I’m tired. I had to wait up for you to come home.

Me: You know we always leave you in charge when we go out.

Nell: It was 2am.

Me: We were only at the neighbours.

Nell: You came back smelling of cat.

Me: There was a cat. But I only stroked it once.

Nell: Once is enough. A cat. The puppies are traumatised.

Me: Rubbish.

Nell: If this is how you are going to start 2018 I dread to think what’s next.

Me: Do you know that a donkey used to live in our house?

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: Called Darcy. It used to walk through the kitchen on its way out from the garden. The neighbours told us.

Nell: Sometimes I despair of you. Honestly I really do. Aren’t 5 dogs enough for you without cats and donkeys?

Me: I was only saying.

Nell: I’m going to have a lie down.

Me: Sorry.