Nell: How are you feeling this Sunday morning?

Me: The sun is shining and I’ve just been having a few cuddles with Dave which is always a good start to the day.

Nell: Good. David is an excellent cuddler, if a little over-enthusiastic at times.

Me: Yes. Now he’s monitoring the Bus Stop for Spaghetti Bolognese.

Nell: What about Nigel?

Me: He’s still asleep downstairs. It’s quite early.

Nell: And Harriet?

Me: She’s on the iBone to Sally.

Nell: Why?

Me: I don’t know. Spy business I expect.

Nell: Did you ask Sally about Rupert’s strange behaviour?

Me: Not yet.

Nell: Is he wearing a cardigan today?

Me: I haven’t seen him yet. It’s still early. I’ll probably bump into him at Sunday Songs later.

Nell: There’s no need for physical violence.

Me: Very funny.

Nell: I’m hoping the lack of knitwear was just a temporary hiccup and he’s back to his usual self today.

Me: I wouldn’t count on it, Nell. Losing you has turned our world upside down.

Nell: I trust you’re still having roast beef for lunch?

Me: Yes, and bacon sandwiches for breakfast.

Nell: Good. Poppy says the Yorkshire puddings have been a little flat recently and Herr Hoffmann needs to get the oil hotter.

Me: I don’t think I’m going to pass that on.

Nell: Why?

Me: I’m not sure he’d appreciate the interference.

Nell: Have you seen Lady Anwen recently?

Me: I don’t think I have.

Nell: You must remember. She’s a corgi in a veiled hat.

Me: I know what she looks like.

Nell: And sometimes she’s good and sometimes she’s bad.

Me: Bad Lady Anwen is very bad.

Nell: I know.

Me: Scary bad.

Nell: Alright.

Me: Sharp-toothed bad.

Nell: Stop or you’ll scare yourself.

Me: I think I already have. Sorry.

Nell: Happy Harriet in a field in the sunshine with her ball. The perfect photo for a sunny Saturday.

Me: I thought so.

Nell: You look tired.

Me: I’m not sleeping well. I keep having these searching dreams where I can never find what I’m looking for.

Nell: You’re looking for me.

Me: Oh, I see. No wonder I never find anything.

Nell: It will get better in time. It’s just your subconscious mind trying to make sense of it all.

Me: Grief is so tiring.

Nell: It is. I think a gentle day might be in order.

Me: I agree.

Nell: How is everyone?

Me: Chugging along. The sunshine is helping.

Nell: I thought it would. It’s Chris’s birthday on Monday.

Me: Yes, I know. I’ve sent a card from us all and a present.

Nell: Good.

Me: It’s the first time I haven’t added your name in 14 years.

Nell: Why didn’t you?

Me: You’re not here anymore.

Nell: I’m talking to you.

Me: Yes, but it’s only me, Nell.

Nell: Well, tell him I send my love.

Me: I will.

Nell: Actually, I’ll probably write him a poem.

Me: That would be lovely.

Nell: If I have time.

Me: Are you busy?

Nell: Very.

Me: Funny. I imagined you would have all the time in the world.

Nell: Not when Poppy’s around.

Me: Oh yes, of course.

Nell: That animal never stops.

Me: I remember.

Nell: Any news?

Me: Knitwear Wolf is back. He turned up at Italian night with a Tiramisu.

Nell: Rupert always knows how to make an entrance.

Me: He’s definitely not himself, Nell.

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: He wasn’t wearing a cardigan.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: I was shocked, too.

Nell: Was he wearing anything knitted?

Me: No. Sorry.

Nell: That’s my favourite walk by the river.

Me: It is.

Nell: How wonderful to see the tree in full blossom.

Me: It was beautiful.

Nell: And there’s our bench and table where you used to sit and chat with me while we waited for the others to come back.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Happy memories.

Me: I’m afraid I spent most of the walk in tears.

Nell: I know. Why did you walk behind the others?

Me: Because that’s what you and I always did, Nell.

Nell: You can walk with them now, you know.

Me: I can’t.

Nell: It will take a little time but you’ll get there. Trust me.

Me: I hope so.

Nell: I see Harriet enjoyed running in and out of the river.

Me: She loves the water so much. Bless her.

Nell: I’m glad you all went on my favourite walk again.

Me: So am I. Spring is such a beautiful time of year.

Nell: New beginnings.

Me: For some, maybe.

Nell: For everyone. Even if it is just the countryside coming back to life.

Me: Yes, you’re right.

Nell: You live in a beautiful place and the sun is shining. You have a lot to be thankful for.

Me: I do.

Nell: Anyway, what’s the plan for today?

Me: I’m going to my aqua class at the gym.

Nell: Good.

Me: And then Nigel and Charlotte are coming over for an Italian night.

Nell: Did you say Italian?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Why Italian?

Me: Someone left a huge Tupperware full of Lasagne at the Bus Stop.

Nell: Not Spaghetti Bolognese?

Me: No.

Nell: Interesting. Was there a note?

Me: Yes. ‘In memoria della bellissima Nell’.

Nell: In memory of beautiful Nell.

Me: Yes.

Nell: I’d have preferred spaghetti.

Me: That’s not the point. Sorry.

Nell: What on earth are you doing posting so early?

Me: Our electricity is going to be off all day.

Nell: Good grief. I see Nigel’s back home with that wretched cat again.

Me: His name is Xav and he’s Nigel’s best friend.

Nell: How can anyone have a cat as a best friend?

Me: You did. The Cat is devastated, by the way.

Nell: It’ll bounce back. Give it a few weeks.

Me: You were far more important to everyone than you realise.

Nell: Talking of friends, how’s Dorothy?

Me: Dreadful. She can’t believe you’ve gone.

Nell: Maybe The Cat could invite her to lunch?

Me: That’s actually a good idea.

Nell: They could have a little chat about me and how wonderful I was.

Me: You still are.

Nell: Only for you. The others must cope without me.

Me: I’m so grateful that you’re still here for me.

Nell: I know.

Me: I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t talk to you.

Nell: No need to worry, because you always will.

Me: Yes. Thank goodness. I’m glad Nigel has Xav as his friend.

Nell: I suppose it’s better than nothing.

Me: Are there any Cat Guardians up there?

Nell: Cat Guardians?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Of course there are. We have everyone from cats to horses to bearded dragons.

Me: Did you say bearded dragons?

Nell: Yes. Guardians are all about Love and Love comes in many shapes and guises.

Me: Not Snake Guardians?

Nell: Snakes, too.

Me: Oh dear. I’m not sure I could deal with snakes.

Nell: You don’t have to. You’re dealing with me. Leave the snakes to deal with their own people.

Me: What a magical world.

Nell: So is yours. Enjoy it. But later, it’s far too early now.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: David and Harriet look sad.

Me: They are sad, Nell. They’re missing you.

Nell: You need to distract them.

Me: Maybe taking them for a walk will help? The sun is shining today.

Nell: Good idea. A walk in the sunshine will do them good.

Me: Yes, the countryside is looking beautiful.

Nell: How’s Rupert?

Me: He’s gone away.

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: He said he needed to get away.

Nell: On retreat?

Me: No. He’s gone somewhere with Stanley.

Nell: Stanley Smoochy?

Me: I think so. There’s been no spaghetti bolognese at the Bus Stop since Rupert left and no sign of Stanley.

Nell: At least we know why David is sad. Has the rook gone too?

Me: I don’t know. I haven’t really been paying much attention lately.

Nell: Why?

Me: I’ve had other things on my mind.

Nell: You mean losing me?

Me: You’re the only thing on my mind at the moment.

Nell: You need to talk to Sally.

Me: Why?

Nell: She needs to tell you about Rupert.

Me: Tell me what?

Nell: I told you. He’s gone Italian for a reason.

Me: It’s just a reaction to losing you, Nell.

Nell: There’s more to it. Mark my paws.

Me: I think Sally is coming down to Devon again soon. She’s worried about Dave.

Nell: Talk to her. Find out what’s going on.

Me: I’m not sure she’ll tell me.

Nell: Make her. Tell her I need to know.

Me: I’ll give it a go.

Nell: How was your visit to the hairdressers? Your hair looks lovely, by the way.

Me: Thank you. I’m glad I went. Sophie gave me a big hug and we had a little cry together.

Nell: I told you she would understand.

Me: Yes, you did. Sorry.

Nell: What’s Nigel doing on the bed with David and Harriet?

Me: Hiding from the vacuum cleaner.

Nell: It’s Tuesday.

Me: I know.

Nell: Nigel’s supposed to visit at the weekend.

Me: He stayed on.

Nell: Why are you vacuuming at this time of the morning?

Me: I couldn’t sleep.

Nell: Nobody’s going to sleep if you’re doing that.

Me: You might have a point there.

Nell: Stop right now.

Me: Alright, Mrs Bossy Boots.

Nell: Go and get a cup of Earl Grey and make yourself some hot-buttered toast.

Me: I’m not hungry.

Nell: Just do it.

Me: Fine.

Nell: And fetch some of Frau Hoffmann’s homemade marmalade.

Me: Would you like some tea?

Nell: I have a cup already, thank you.

Me: I forgot you’d gone just then.

Nell: I know you did.

Me: And now I’m in pieces.

Nell: It’s going to happen.

Me: I still can’t cope with coming home and you’re not there at the door with the others wagging your tail. It breaks my heart.

Nell: It will take time.

Me: This hurts so much

Nell: It will get easier. I promise.

Me: Kev and I are both struggling at the moment.

Nell: I know you are. Now, let’s try and find a pocketful of happiness.

Me: We can try.

Nell: Are you doing anything nice today?

Me: I’m finally going to the hairdressers.

Nell: Well, thank goodness for that. You look an absolute fright.

Me: That’s not very nice of you, Nell.

Nell: Harsh but true.

Me: I missed an appointment.

Nell: I can see that. You’re going to feel so much better when you’ve had your hair done.

Me: I hope so. I’m afraid I might burst into tears.

Nell: Sophie will understand. She has Dachshunds Hope and Leo.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Who is that?

Me: Shelagh. You remember Shelagh, don’t you? She and Sprout came to lunch yesterday with Terry and Marian.

Nell: I thought Shelagh was nervous?

Me: She used to be. When they rescued her she was very nervous and scared but now she’s a happy, healthy girl who loves nothing more than cuddles and attention.

Nell: Mutley will be pleased to hear that.

Me: Yes, he was really nervous when Kev rescued him. He used to run away at first.

Nell: He had five owners in one year.

Me: I know. Poor Mutt. Such a hard start.

Nell: Marvin is doing well now, too.

Me: Yes, he is.

Nell: So, how was your lunch?

Me: Really lovely, Nell. Terry and Marian didn’t tell us but our friends Linda, Louise and Martin were there, too.

Nell: What a lovely surprise.

Me: It was. I’m afraid I burst into tears when I saw them all.

Nell: I can imagine.

Me: They all knew you from when you were a puppy.

Nell: They did.

Me: And they know how much you meant to me and Kev.

Nell: I still do.

Me: You always will.

Nell: Moving on, which roast did you choose?

Me: Turkey, and Kev chose beef.

Nell: Yorkshire puddings?

Me: Yes, with lots of gravy.

Nell: Good. It sounds like you found the perfect pocketful of happiness.

Me: You’re right. Lunch with good friends was just what we needed.

Nell: I know. I did the same thing.

Me: I’m so glad the other Guardians are with you, Nell.

Nell: Guardians are never alone. Although, I could do with a little alone time now and again, to be perfectly honest.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: I’d forgotten how exhausting Poppy can be.

Me: She was always a live wire. Sorry.

Me: There’s nothing lovelier than a bed full of Labradors.

Nell: I remember that photo. It was taken just before Mother’s Day last year.

Me: Yes, we’d only just moved in to this house and you all joined me on the bed.

Nell: We made the right decision to move to the village.

Me: Yes. Village life is good for us.

Nell: Anyway, we should do our usual thing of wishing all mothers out there in any shape or form a very Happy Mother’s Day.

Me: It’s only celebrated in the UK today. I think other countries don’t celebrate until May.

Nell: Never mind. We can include them.

Me: Yes, we can. Happy Mother’s Day.

Nell: You don’t sound very happy.

Me: I’m not.

Nell: Well, try harder, please.

Me: I will. Are you doing anything special today?

Nell: Poppy’s cooking a roast and she’s invited some of the other Guardians over.

Me: Over where?

Nell: Over to ours.

Me: What is yours?

Nell: Never you mind.

Me: Are you sitting on a cloud?

Nell: Don’t be silly. And I don’t have wings before you ask.

Me: I can’t really imagine you with wings.

Nell: Good. I expect you’re missing your dear mother.

Me: I am. I could really do with a hug from her today.

Nell: I think this day is difficult for a lot of people.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Now, we need to find our pocketful of happiness.

Me: We do.

Nell: I think it will be seeing your dear friends again for lunch.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: Always.

Me: I’m afraid I might burst into tears.

Nell: You probably will but that doesn’t matter.

Me: Doesn’t it?

Nell: No, not at all. Everyone will understand.

Me: My heart is broken, Nell. Sorry.

Nell: No sorries. Not today.

Nell: You’re up early.

Me: I couldn’t sleep.

Nell: Thinking about me again?

Me: Yes. You would have been 14 today.

Nell: Age is irrelevant now but it’s still my birthday.

Me: 14th March will always be your birthday.

Nell: You’ll be pleased to hear Poppy has made me a cake.

Me: I am.

Nell: I expect you all to be eating cake later, too. Where’s your hat?

Me: I don’t feel like wearing one.

Nell: But it’s my birthday. We always wear hats.

Me: This birthday is different. It broke my heart choosing those photos. You were so beautiful.

Nell: I still am, thank you very much. At least Charlie thinks so.

Me: I’m so glad you’re with Charlie and Poppy and Mutley.

Nell: Yes, it helps.

Me: Are you missing me, too?

Nell: Of course I am. I’m missing all of you. But there’s no point in dwelling on it. This is where we are now.

Me: I wish we weren’t.

Nell: Well, we are.

Me: Do you remember the day we first met?

Nell: Of course. I chose you.

Me: You did.

Nell: I know you’re crying now and you need to stop.

Me: I can’t.

Nell: We need to find a pocketful of happiness, don’t we?

Me: I don’t know where.

Nell: We should be happy we found each other and had such a wonderful time together for so long.

Me: Not long enough.

Nell: Grief is a sign of how much someone was loved and much as it breaks my heart to see you like this it also warms my heart to know how much you loved me.

Me: I still do. Grief is love with nowhere to go.

Nell: I can still feel the love. I hope you can, too.

Me: I can. Sorry.

Nell: I see you went back to our beach again. Look at Harriet. Bless her. Playing like a puppy.

Me: It does us all good to be by the sea, to be honest.

Nell: There’s nothing like fresh sea air.

Me: Yes. It makes your face feel all tingly.

Nell: I don’t know about that but I’m glad to see you getting out and about again.

Me: I don’t find it easy at the moment, Nell.

Nell: I know. But life must go on.

Me: I suppose so.

Nell: Is Rupert still Italian?

Me: He’s not Italian, Nell. He’s just spending time with Italian birds and that wretched lion.

Nell: I’ve told you not to be mean to Lionel King.

Me: I don’t trust him.

Nell: Now, Sunday is Mother’s Day in the United Kingdom.

Me: Yes, I know.

Nell: I’m guessing you’re going to find it particularly difficult this year.

Me: I most definitely am.

Nell: Because I was like a mother to you all.

Me: You were.

Nell: I don’t want you moping around.

Me: Actually, Kev and I have been invited out for Sunday lunch at our pub by some good friends from Oxfordshire who are down here on holiday.

Nell: Terry and Marian?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Well, that’s delightful. Make sure you take lots of photos.

Me: I’m not feeling very photogenic at the moment.

Nell: Take some anyway. I need to see you enjoying yourself.

Me: I can’t imagine enjoying myself.

Nell: Well, try. You might be surprised.

Me: I might.

Nell: Remember when we talked about finding a pocketful of happiness each day after your little sister died?

Me: Yes.

Nell: That’s what you have to do again.

Me: I don’t know if I can, Nell.

Nell: You can. Trust me.

Me: Yes. Sorry.