Nell: You look terrible.

Me: I had a horrible dream that Dave slipped his lead and ran away.

Nell: That’s because Henry and Horst have gone missing.

Me: We were staying in a big city like Toronto and I was calling and calling for him but he’d gone.

Nell: It was just a dream.

Me: I went to the police and asked them to look out for a giant black Labrador.

Nell: Can I stop you right there, please? As you can see, David is fine. He’s looking up the stairs in a concerned way because he knows you’re worrying about him.

Me: No, he’s looking at Harriet because she won’t come downstairs.

Nell: Why not?

Me: I don’t like to say it, but sometimes Harriet can be a little bit of an Attention Seeker.

Nell: Surely not?

Me: I think she might get that from you.

Nell: From me?

Me: You always liked to be the centre of attention.

Nell: Nonsense. I demand attention when I need it which is something entirely different. Why were you and David in Toronto?

Me: I think it was because I was talking to Chris last night. Poor little Marvin has a bad ear infection and had to go to the vets so I was worried about him.

Nell: I see. Well, it obviously all came together in one horrible dream but that’s all it was.

Me: Yes. When I woke up I still felt upset and called out for Dave immediately.

Nell: And did he come running to you?

Me: He didn’t need to. He was asleep right next to my bed like he always is. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. We had a wonderful cuddle.

Nell: We’re going to find Henry and Horst. Don’t you worry about that.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: It’s nice to see David smiling.

Me: He’s always happy when he’s out on a walk.

Nell: How was Sunday Songs?

Me: There were an awful lot of hats.

Nell: Any sign of Henry and Horst?

Me: No. The Welsh Corgi Choir were all wearing Sou’wester rain hats so a woodlouse couldn’t hide on there.

Nell: Why not?

Me: Too slippery.

Nell: Why would Henry and Horst be hiding?

Me: Woodlice are always hiding.

Nell: Not when they want to be found.

Me: We don’t know they want to be found.

Nell: I suppose they could be on a mission.

Me: We’ve had sightings elsewhere.

Nell: Why didn’t you say that before? Where?

Me: An elderly pug is certain he saw two woodlice HatHiking near the bus station a few days ago but then he thought David was a small pony so I’m not sure he’s that reliable.

Nell: HatHiking?

Me: Getting a lift on a hat. Apparently it’s quite the thing among smaller non-winged creatures.

Nell: Wouldn’t it have been easier to get on a bus?

Me: They need to get up the steps.

Nell: True.

Me: I’m starting to think they might have gone to North Devon to visit their relatives.

Nell: They could have sent a postcard.

Me: Or just left a note.

Nell: Maybe they did and you haven’t found it yet.

Me: It’s probably very small and written on a leaf.

Nell: Didn’t you say Kev was going to mow the garden?

Me: Yes, the grass is really long after all that rain.

Nell: You realise Henry and Horst might simply be stuck in the long grass, don’t you? Has anybody looked properly?

Me: Dave and Harriet had a snoofle and roll.

Nell: You can’t let them roll on the grass.

Me: No. Sorry.

Nell: I notice David is wearing his feathered hat.

Me: Yes. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. It was Henry and Horst’s favourite hat.

Nell: Less of the ‘was’ please. It still is.

Me: Sunday Songs is going to be all about woodlice and hats so Dave thought it would be right to wear it.

Nell: Good. You need to keep an eye out for unusual hats and any signals.

Me: Signals?

Nell: If Henry and Horst are on anyone’s hat they are going to try and let you know.

Me: Unless they’re undercover. Can woodlice jump?

Nell: Jump?

Me: If they’re on a hat and see another safer hat, like Dave’s, could they jump onto it?

Nell: Henry and Horst can do anything if they put their minds to it.

Me: True.

Nell: I see Nigel is visiting you for the weekend.

Me: He usually does, Nell.

Nell: I hope he’s behaving.

Me: He’s being a very good boy.

Nell: Will there be bacon sandwiches for breakfast?

Me: Of course. Herr Hoffmann is making them as we speak.

Nell: Poppy is making pancakes.

Me: Is there a lot of tossing them into the air?

Nell: Way too much. One fell on Mutley’s head.

Me: Poppy always cooks with panache.

Nell: She does.

Me: You’ll be pleased to hear we’re having roast beef for lunch with Yorkshire puddings.

Nell: Poppy has decided on roast pork for us with crackling and apple sauce.

Me: I’ve never been a fan of crackling.

Nell: You’re missing out.

Me: I like apple sauce. Are you having roast potatoes?

Nell: Yes, and carrots and parsnips and lots of vegetables from the garden.

Me: So you have a garden?

Nell: We have everything.

Me: Who looks after it?

Nell: The Gardening Guardians. Do keep up.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: There’s Marvin. I haven’t seen him in a while.

Me: Look at his sweet smile.

Nell: Charming.

Me: He’s so happy that Chris and Shannon are home again.

Nell: I’m sure he is.

Me: You used to be furious with me when I’d go to Portugal for a few weeks with my mother without you.

Nell: Nonsense.

Me: You wouldn’t talk to me for the first few days.

Nell: You should have taken me with you.

Me: I couldn’t take you on the plane, Nell.

Nell: You took me everywhere.

Me: I thought about you all the time I was away.

Nell: Moving on, is there any news of Henry and Horst?

Me: No. We’ve put posters up in the village and Dave’s out canvassing.

Nell: Canvassing? This isn’t an election.

Me: He’s going door to door.

Nell: Is David wearing a hat?

Me: Yes, the feathered one.

Nell: Henry and Horst loved that hat.

Me: I know. I have a rather difficult question, Nell.

Nell: Ask away. Difficult questions don’t bother me.

Me: Can woodlice be Guardians?

Nell: Of course.

Me: If there were new woodlice Guardians, would you know?

Nell: Of course not. I’m not a Terrestrial Crustacean.

Me: I beg your pardon?

Nell: That’s what a woodlouse is.

Me: I thought it was an insect. Henry and Horst ran the Insect Surveillance Team.

Nell: You can run something and not be something.

Me: True.

Nell: If you’re asking me if they’re up here, my answer would be probably not.

Me: Why?

Nell: It would be nigh-on impossible for me to find them but they could easily find me and they would.

Me: Aren’t there an awful lot of dog Guardians?

Nell: Absolutely, but Henry and Horst are trained professionals. They can find anyone.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: How’s the search for Henry and Horst going?

Me: Dave and Harriet saw some cows in a field and Dave climbed a really high hill.

Nell: A really high hill?

Me: Well, it was quite high.

Nell: Henry and Horst are woodlice. How are they supposed to get up there?

Me: How do they get anywhere?

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: They’re usually on somebody’s hat.

Nell: That’s it!

Me: Is it?

Nell: Yes. You need to look out for unusual hats.

Me: Unusual hats?

Nell: Yes. Or people wearing hats who wouldn’t normally be wearing hats.

Me: Right?

Nell: Or people wearing hats in an uncomfortable way.

Me: Like back to front?

Nell: No.

Me: Inside out?

Nell: Don’t be silly. In an awkward, secretive way.

Me: Does it have to be people?

Nell: No. Animals are more likely.

Me: Your friend Dorothy was wearing a really flamboyant feathered hat rather awkwardly the other day.

Nell: It isn’t Dorothy.

Me: You don’t know that. Henry and Horst might have asked her for a lift?

Nell: Have you put up Missing posters in the village?

Me: Not yet. We don’t have a recent photo.

Nell: Recent photo?

Me: Yes.

Nell: How much do you think woodlice change?

Me: Everyone changes, Nell. We all get a little greyer.

Nell: Woodlice are grey.

Me: Oh yes.

Nell: It’s far more important that people know they are missing.

Me: True. Would a wig count?

Nell: A wig?

Me: There’s a Jack Russell Terrier in the village with a rather ill-fitting toupee.

Nell: How long has it been wearing it?

Me: Quite a while.

Nell: Unlikely.

Me: So Romeo isn’t under suspicion. He’s been wearing a wig for years.

Nell: Romeo is a Beefy. Seagulls are all under suspicion.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: David looks worried.

Me: That’s because he is.

Nell: Is it about Henry and Horst? Have they gone missing?

Me: We’re not sure.

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: Woodlice are very small bugs, Nell.

Nell: Don’t call them bugs.

Me: They’re called pillbugs in North America, or sowbugs or roly-polies.

Nell: Their names are Henry and Horst.

Me: Try not to worry. Harriet will find them.

Nell: I knew someone had gone missing. It’s my Guardian Instinct.

Me: What’s a Guardian Instinct?

Nell: Never you mind.

Me: Maybe they’ve gone on holiday? Didn’t someone say they had relatives in Barnstaple?

Nell: Henry and Horst are woodlice. They have relatives everywhere.

Me: True.

Nell: They wouldn’t go away without leaving a note.

Me: I’m not sure they can write.

Nell: A Voice Note.

Me: Nobody can hear them.

Nell: David can. He has keen ears. When were they last seen?

Me: A couple of days ago at Morning Thoughts.

Nell: Are you telling me Henry and Horst have missed several Morning Thoughts and nobody thought to find out why?

Me: A lot of us miss Morning Thoughts, Nell. Especially now you’re not here.

Nell: Poppy’s not going to like this.

Me: Poppy never cared about Morning Thoughts. She was usually far too busy in the kitchen.

Nell: Poppy cares about Henry and Horst.

Me: We all do.

Nell: Harriet needs to organise a search party.

Me: I think she’s doing that right now.

Nell: Has Owl Pacino been informed? Birds are probably our best bet at finding them.

Me: Yes, the Royal Owl Force are standing by.

Nell: And Count Bingo Flamingo?

Me: I saw a flamboyance of flamingos this morning but they might have been visiting Malcolm.

Nell: This is not the time for visiting.

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: Look at those two. Always together. Bless them.

Nell: Has Harriet lost something?

Me: I think she was just enjoying a Sniffari.

Nell: Sniffaris are casual. This looks intense.

Me: There are a lot of deer around at the moment. Maybe she caught their scent?

Nell: Could be.

Me: Or squirrels? Kev says he saw a whole group of them in a tree.

Nell: Was Harriet wearing a hat?

Me: No.

Nell: Were you?

Me: No. The sky was grey and it was rainy.

Nell: You should still wear a hat.

Me: I will next time.

Nell: What about jewellery?

Me: I’m not going to wear jewellery on a walk.

Nell: I’m talking about Harriet.

Me: Harriet’s not like you. She doesn’t like tiaras and pearls.

Nell: Are you sure she wasn’t wearing a necklace?

Me: I don’t think so. Just her usual collar. Why all these questions?

Nell: I feel like something’s been lost.

Me: We lost Dave’s favourite toy but we found it as soon as we got him another.

Nell: Where?

Me: He’d forgotten it behind the garden box.

Nell: Did Harriet have a ball?

Me: I don’t think so. She doesn’t usually take one on this walk.

Nell: Well, something’s been lost and you need to know what it is.

Me: Do you remember when I lost my mother’s eternity ring?

Nell: Yes, I do. You were very upset.

Me: Kev got me a metal detector and we found it in the garden.

Nell: Where are Henry and Horst?

Me: I don’t know.

Nell: Find out right now. Something is wrong.

Me: Calm down. They’re probably on Dave’s hat.

Nell: You said nobody was wearing a hat.

Me: He put it on when we got home.

Nell: Hats are for outside not inside.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: Devon’s looking wonderfully green.

Me: It is.

Nell: Good see the Puppies enjoying their walk.

Me: One of the things I love is calling Harriet and seeing her run towards me with a big smile on her face.

Nell: Harriet is very good at recall.

Me: Only on walks. At home she’ll often ignore me if she’s comfortable somewhere.

Nell: Nobody likes to be disturbed when they’re asleep.

Me: Especially when it’s on my bed.

Nell: Beds are meant to be slept on.

Me: Not by muddy Labradors.

Nell: You can always wash the bed cover. It’s not the end of the world.

Me: It is when you’ve just changed the bed.

Nell: It’s just mud and before you ask, yes we have mud up here.

Me: And beds?

Nell: Don’t be silly. Of course we have beds and sofas and armchairs.

Me: Good. You used to love a comfortable sofa.

Nell: I still do.

Me: Many’s the time you and I would sit on the sofa together.

Nell: I remember.

Me: My precious Nell.

Nell: Are you having one of those days?

Me: I think I might be.

Nell: We need to find a pocketful of happiness.

Me: We do.

Nell: I believe the sun might be shining.

Me: It is.

Nell: The Weather Guardians said it would be for a while.

Me: We had an awful lot of rain last night.

Nell: Rain is good for the plants.

Me: Dave and Harriet dug a big hole in the garden and lay in it.

Nell: Not their finest hour.

Me: It made them very happy.

Nell: Unfortunately some animals’ pocketfuls of happiness are not other people’s.

Me: Especially when they dry themselves off on a clean bed.

Nell: Are we back to muddy beds again?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Isn’t Dave impossibly handsome?

Nell: David is a good looking Labrador.

Me: Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. He had such a wonderful time yesterday.

Nell: Doing what?

Me: We had a really lovely long walk in the countryside.

Nell: I’m glad to hear it.

Me: The little bit of rain has made everything much greener.

Nell: I can see that.

Me: And Dave was able to snoofle and roll.

Nell: Excuse me?

Me: Snoofle and roll.

Nell: I heard you the first time. What does it mean?

Me: Dave sort of sniffs the grass and then he bodysurfs and rolls. And before you ask there wasn’t any fox poo. It was just grass.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: Charlotte’s old lab Harry and our old Yorkshire terrier Zapp loved nothing more than rolling in fox poo.

Nell: Only because it smells wonderful.

Me: It really doesn’t, Nell. Trust me. It’s disgusting.

Nell: Not to us. Anyway, enough talk of poo, today is the first of the month so please share the link to the website where people can support your writing.

Me: It’s https://buymeacoffee.com/saramartin. Thank you so much in advance. I really appreciate every single cup.

Nell: So do I. From afar nowadays, but I know how much it means to Sara to have your support.

Me: It does.

Nell: Now, June is a month of emotions both happy and sad.

Me: It is.

Nell: It’s the anniversary of your mother’s death on 11th but your sister Charlotte’s birthday on 17th and Dave and Harriet’s birthday on 19th.

Me: I’m glad it’s that way around. I can do my grieving first.

Nell: Remember grief is only love with nowhere to go.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: Always.

Me: Except about the fox poo.

Nell: Enough about poo.

Me: Sorry.

Me: How can it be the last day of May?

Nell: Because it’s the 1st June tomorrow.

Me: You know what I mean. Sometimes time flies.

Nell: It does. So, what’s going on?

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: Look at Nigel’s face.

Me: He’s on my chair where Dave sits and he knows it.

Nell: He isn’t going to move.

Me: No. I’m afraid those two boys often have a power play going on. Kev calls it ‘handbags at dawn’.

Nell: Harriet and I kept well out of it.

Me: Excuse me? You never kept out of it. You always told everyone what to do.

Nell: It was for their own good. That’s different.

Me: I’m not sure it is.

Nell: Moving on, what are your plans today? Bacon sandwiches and Sunday Songs?

Me: Yes. It’s been very hot recently so we’re not having a Sunday roast just a selection of salads with new potatoes.

Nell: Salads? On a Sunday?

Me: I love a good salad and it will make a nice change.

Nell: You can have A Nice Change in the week but not on a Sunday.

Me: Well, we are.

Nell: Poppy won’t believe me when I tell her.

Me: Then don’t.

Nell: She’s roasting a chicken as we speak.

Me: Do you have Sunday Songs?

Nell: Of course. We have everything. The Great Barberino’s great friend Eppie joined us recently so there will be songs of welcome.

Me: Aren’t Guardians constantly joining you?

Nell: Yes, but not necessarily ones we know.

Me: I see what you mean.

Nell: But you’re right. We always have welcoming songs on a Sunday.

Me: It’s a nice thought.

Nell: Which is a lot better than A Nice Change. I can’t believe you’re eating salads.

Me: I’m afraid we are. Sorry.