Nell: It’s well and truly Autumn.

Me: Or Fall, depending on where you live.

Nell: You live in Devon.

Me: Yes, but if I lived in Canada, or the US, it would be Fall.

Nell: But you don’t.

Me: Never mind. Either way it’s a beautiful time of the year and the colours are gorgeous.

Nell: Harriet seems to be enjoying a roll in the leaves.

Me: She loves it and The Boy just likes a good Sniffari.

Nell: The Boy?

Me: Dave.

Nell: I know it’s David, but he’s usually your Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Me: I shorten it sometimes. When Nigel’s here we often say The Boys.

Nell: How is Nigel?

Me: He’s fine. Fairly annoyed that Kev just wanted to go on a walk and not to the pub yesterday evening.

Nell: That animal is becoming a drinker.

Me: No, he isn’t. It’s Locals Night on Fridays and he loves all the attention.

Nell: How was your roast chicken?

Me: Delicious. What about your fish?

Nell: Have you ever eaten John Dory?

Me: I have. It’s delicious. One of the finest fish you can eat.

Nell: Poppy cooked it whole.

Me: Good idea.

Nell: I told her I wasn’t eating anything with a face.

Me: Fair enough.

Nell: So she cut off its head with her sword and said ‘Better now?’

Me: Was it?

Nell: No.

Me: Oh dear. Are you in the doghouse?

Nell: No, I’m sitting on the sofa in front of the fire with Charlie by my side talking to you.

Me: I meant are you in trouble?

Nell: No, Poppy doesn’t care. I just had to make do with new potatoes and green beans.

Me: You missed out. It really is delicious.

Nell: One has to draw the line somewhere.

Me: True. Sorry.

Nell: David looks a little concerned. Did he eat something by mistake?

Me: No, he tried to, though.

Nell: Oh dear. What was it?

Me: A sausage roll.

Nell: Well, that is completely understandable.

Me: Why?

Nell: Sausage rolls are meant to be shared.

Me: Shared, but not stolen off someone’s plate.

Nell: Was it placed at the edge of the plate?

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: In a position where an animal might think it was being offered a taste of it?

Me: No, it was on Kev’s plate minding its own business.

Nell: It’s still an easy mistake to make.

Me: It was very naughty.

Nell: Was it a Barks and Spencer sausage roll?

Me: Yes. One of the little ones.

Nell: The ones that come in a Sharing Box?

Me: Yes.

Nell: I rest my case.

Me: I give up.

Nell: Moving on, it’s Friday today.

Me: I know.

Nell: Will Charlotte and Nigel be visiting?

Me: Yes. I’m really looking forward to seeing them.

Nell: Are you expecting any other guests?

Me: Not that I know of. Why?

Nell: I wondered if Rupert might be due back from Canada?

Me: Not yet. I think he’s still busy helping Mark Carney. What does Charlie think of your obsession with Knitwear Wolf?

Nell: It’s not an obsession. It’s simply concern. Charlie understands.

Me: How is he?

Nell: He and Poppy have gone fishing.

Me: Fishing?

Nell: It’s Friday.

Me: I know.

Nell: Friday is fish day and Poppy likes to serve it fresh.

Me: We’re having roast chicken.

Nell: But roast chicken is a Sunday meal.

Me: We’re having it today with fresh vegetables and mashed potatoes and gravy. Your favourites.

Nell: I’ve heard quite enough, thank you. Leave me to my fish.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Nell: What on earth is that man doing outside your window in a bucket?

Me: It’s not a bucket. It’s a full fibre installation.

Nell: What?

Me: We’re getting high-speed broadband. It’s exciting.

Nell: David doesn’t seem unduly bothered.

Me: Look at him sitting nonchalantly in my chair.

Nell: I think you’ll find he sees it as his chair.

Me: Nigel thinks it’s his chair.

Nell: I can accept David’s part ownership of the chair but not Nigel’s.

Me: It’s actually mine.

Nell: Potato, potahto.

Me: It is.

Nell: Moving on, what are your plans for today?

Me: Kev and I are going into Plymouth to do some Treat Shopping at Barks and Spencer.

Nell: Treat Shopping?

Me: It’s nearly the weekend and I can almost eat real food again.

Nell: So what are you going to buy?

Me: Salads and eclairs.

Nell: Don’t forget to choose some sandwiches. Barks sandwiches are the best.

Me: Do you have a Barks up there?

Nell: As I’ve told you repeatedly, we have everything.

Me: Oh yes. You wave to my mother at the checkout.

Nell: I do.

Me: I like to think of that.

Nell: I know.

Me: It gives me a huge amount of comfort.

Nell: Yes.

Me: Is my little sister Alex there, too?

Nell: Of course.

Me: Is she looking well?

Nell: We all are.

Me: I’m so glad to hear it. It warms my heart.

Nell: I know it does.

Me: It makes missing you all a little easier.

Nell: Good. Now, today is 5th November, otherwise known as Guy Fawkes Day, and while I can accept a bonfire I’m hoping for no fireworks.

Me: So am I. Will you be celebrating?

Nell: I’m afraid so. Poppy’s in charge of the food and fire.

Me: Oh dear. Sorry.

Nell: It’s good to see you out and about in the countryside.

Me: Yes. We’re so lucky to have these walks on our doorstep.

Nell: You are.

Me: Dave and Harriet absolutely love it.

Nell: I know. You’re up early this morning.

Me: It’s my Wednesday Writers workshop today.

Nell: You’ll enjoy that.

Me: Yes. I always learn something new and it’s lovely to spend time with other writers.

Nell: Poppy feels the same way.

Me: She’s not a writer.

Nell: I know. She’s going to a Chef Conference today representing the Terrier Mix Guardians.

Me: Terrier Mix?

Nell: Poppy is a Maltese/Yorkshire Terrier cross.

Me: Of course. I expect Michael will be pleased she’s out for the day after yesterday’s altercation.

Nell: Michael is used to Poppy’s tantrums. He doesn’t let them bother him.

Me: He sounds a laid-back sort of hedgehog.

Nell: Hedgehogs know better than to lay back. It’s far too dangerous. One shouldn’t show one’s belly to just anyone.

Me: I couldn’t agree more. Although, Dave is always showing his.

Nell: David is an attention seeker.

Me: True. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Poppy’s giving a talk.

Me: How exciting. What about?

Nell: Cooking. It’s a Chef Conference.

Me: I mean, what exactly?

Nell: How To Bake Well.

Me: Bake what?

Nell: Scones, I think, or Yorkshire Pudding. Or was it Bread and Butter Pudding?

Me: I’m surprised you don’t know. You usually know everything.

Nell: I’m afraid baking is not of great interest to me.

Me: You love a slice of Lemon Drizzle cake.

Nell: I love a lot of things but I don’t need to know how to make them.

Me: It’s always good to expand your horizons.

Nell: Leave the baking to Herr Hoffmann and stick to writing, please.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: It looks like somebody wants to have a lie-in this morning.

Me: Harriet’s in the mood to snooze. Bless her.

Nell: It’s Tuesday, not the weekend, you should all be up and doing.

Me: Leave her be, Nell. She’s just having one of those days.

Nell: But the sun is shining.

Me: How did you know that?

Nell: The Weather Guardians told me.

Me: Does the weather vary a lot up there?

Nell: Yes, if we want it to.

Me: What if you want different things? One dog’s rain might be another dog’s shine.

Nell: You’re obviously feeling better.

Me: Why do you say that?

Nell: You’re asking annoying questions again.

Me: I’m just interested. Who decides on the weather up there?

Nell: Who decides on your weather?

Me: Nobody.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: But you said it varies.

Nell: Somebody once told me one dog’s rain is another dog’s shine.

Me: That was me.

Nell: There you are then. Now, how is the eating going?

Me: Slowly and steadily. The exciting news is I’m allowed a hot cup of tea and sparkling water.

Nell: What a relief.

Me: Yes, but no toast, or anything crunchy. Herr Hoffmann is making me soft rolls.

Nell: I would suggest afternoon tea. Cucumber sandwiches.

Me: Good idea.

Nell: And a small scone with smooth jam and clotted cream.

Me: I wish Poppy were here to bake them.

Nell: I’m not sure you do. She had an altercation with Michael in the garden this morning.

Me: What happened?

Nell: She tripped over him weeding the flowerbeds and caught her fur on his prickles.

Me: Michael must have been dreadfully shocked.

Nell: He was.

Me: You did say weeding?

Nell: Yes. What else would Michael be doing? He’s a gardening hedgehog.

Me: Just checking. Sorry.

Nell: Dear Marvin is looking well.

Me: He is, isn’t he? His face is just what we need to see on a dreary Monday morning. Our darling Rescue Dog.

Nell: He’s obviously enjoying life in Toronto.

Me: Yes, he seems to have settled into the new house.

Nell: I knew he would. He has his own garden.

Me: He’ll be happy wherever he is as long as Chris and Shannon are there.

Nell: True, but a garden is a bonus.

Me: Do you have a garden?

Nell: Of course, and a gardener.

Me: A gardener?

Nell: Haven’t you heard of Gardening Guardians?

Me: Gardening Guardians?

Nell: We have two. Michael and Rebecca.

Me: Michael and Rebecca?

Nell: Michael is responsible for smaller tasks and Rebecca is in charge of cutting the grass, or rather eating it.

Me: Eating it? Is Rebecca a cow?

Nell: Excuse me? Do you seriously think I would have a cow grazing in my beautiful country garden?

Me: I didn’t know you had one.

Nell: Rebecca is a sheep. She’s a big fan of Lady Baba’s music, actually, and was extremely impressed when I told her I knew her well.

Me: Is Michael a sheep, too?

Nell: No. Michael is a hedgehog. He’s a little slow and rather prickly at times but he’s steady and he does the job.

Me: Well, I’ve heard it all now.

Nell: I very much doubt it. How are you today? You sound a little better.

Me: I’m definitely on the mend, although I’m sick of sloppy food and lukewarm tea.

Nell: It’s not for much longer.

Me: Talking of tea, thank you so much to everyone for the cups of Earl Grey. I really appreciate it.

Nell: People are very kind if you allow them to be.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: How can it be November already?

Nell: You say that every year.

Me: Time really seems to fly when you’re older.

Nell: You sound a little brighter.

Me: I slept better last night.

Nell: I’m glad. Nigel seems in good spirits.

Me: He loves being with Dave and Harriet.

Nell: David doesn’t seem too sure.

Me: Dave’s fine. He and Nigel have the occasional disagreement but they get on well.

Nell: If you say so. How was Halloween?

Me: Everyone seems to have had a wonderful time at the Beefy Ball.

Nell: No dramas?

Me: Not as far as I know, but I haven’t really talked to them about it yet.

Nell: They’re all on your bed. Talk to them now.

Me: No, I’m talking to you.

Nell: Actually, before you do anything, share the link to the website where people can support you.

Me: I wish I didn’t have to ask.

Nell: They’re glad to help and they know how much you appreciate it.

Me: I hope they do.

Nell: They do. Just share it.

Me: It’s https://buymeacoffee.com/saramartin. Thank you so much in advance. Your support means a lot.

Nell: I trust you have bacon in the house this week.

Me: We do. Bacon sandwiches for everyone except me. I’m still on the soggy cereal.

Nell: What about the Sunday roast?

Me: I can have some cauliflower cheese and mashed potato.

Nell: Surely a Yorkshire pudding with gravy is possible?

Me: Too crispy, Nell.

Nell: Not if you soak it in the gravy.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: This too will pass.

Me: It will.

Nell: In this case it’s a good thing that time passes quickly when you’re older.

Me: Why?

Nell: You’ll be back to normal sooner.

Me: I’m not sure I was ever normal, Nell. Sorry.

Me: Witch-ing you a Happy Howl-oween.

Nell: Have you started already?

Me: Go big or gourd home.

Nell: Moving on, I notice you included Poppy in your photos today.

Me: Yes, I did. I know she’s having a Pirate Party up there and it’s how I like to think of her.

Nell: Why is Nigel wearing a feathered hat?

Me: He chose it from The Cat’s dressing-up box. I think he looks eerie-sistible.

Nell: Good grief. But David is the Mayor of Kingsbridge.

Me: Except he isn’t.

Nell: He will be.

Me: You might be fright.

Nell: How are you feeling today?

Me: Spook-tacular. Howl you doin?

Nell: It’s a serious question.

Me: Just creepin it real.

Nell: Stop.

Me: Orange you excited about Halloween?

Nell: Not when I have to go through ridiculous conversations like this.

Me: What’s a monster’s favourite game?

Nell: I have no idea.

Me: Hide and shriek.

Nell: Very droll.

Me: Want to hear some skeleton puns? They’re very humerus.

Nell: No, I do not. Have you quite finished?

Me: Probably not.

Nell: Behind all this frivolity you sound tired.

Me: I am. It’s taken it out of me more than I thought.

Nell: Maybe you can have a quiet evening while everyone is at the Beefy Halloween Ball?

Me: Maybe? Although I enjoy seeing all the village children all dressed up. Kev is really going to town on the decorations this year.

Nell: It’s the actor in him.

Me: Yes, and he loves seeing the children’s little faces light up.

Nell: I know he does.

Me: Witch you were here with me.

Nell: Here we go again.

Me: Are these puns driving you batty?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Ghouls just wanna have fun.

Nell: Enough.

Me: Best fiends forever?

Nell: I give up.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: How are you this morning?

Me: I’m relieved the tooth has gone and in a bit of pain, but I’m fine.

Nell: You sound dreadful.

Me: It’s going to take time. The dentist told me it would.

Nell: But it all went well?

Me: It did. I was scared but brave.

Nell: Good girl.

Me: Dentistry has come such a long way since I was a child.

Nell: I should jolly well hope so.

Me: Anyway, I’m very glad it’s over.

Nell: Are you able to eat?

Me: Not much at the moment. I had some delicious ice cream yesterday.

Nell: You can’t have ice cream for breakfast.

Me: I know. I’m going to have soggy cereal.

Nell: Soggy cereal?

Me: It needs to be soft. And lukewarm tea.

Nell: Lukewarm tea?

Me: It can’t be too hot.

Nell: Now you’re making me miserable.

Me: Make yourself a nice cup of Earl Grey and some hot buttered toast and marmalade and you’ll feel much better.

Nell: Can you eat toast?

Me: No, it’s too crunchy.

Nell: I give up. Moving on, why is Nigel with you so early? And why is he wearing a leaf on his head?

Me: Charlotte’s away visiting friends for the weekend.

Nell: Oh yes. I forgot. How are the preparations for the Beefy Halloween Ball coming along?

Me: Well, I think. Dave’s still wearing his hat.

Nell: You wouldn’t have been able to go to the ball even if they had invited you.

Me: No, I wouldn’t. It’s definitely going to be a quiet weekend for me.

Nell: Yes, take time to rest and recuperate.

Me: With soggy cereal and lukewarm tea.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: Thank you for being there, Nell. I could feel you watching over me.

Nell: Always.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Look at Harriet’s sweet little face. She insisted on sleeping next to me all night.

Nell: Good. How are you this morning?

Me: I’m fine, Nell.

Nell: You don’t need to pretend with me. What time is your appointment?

Me: 3pm. I wish I wasn’t such a Scaredy Cat.

Nell: It’s understandable. Nobody likes dentists.

Me: It’s funny we say Scaredy Cat when cats can actually be quite fierce.

Nell: Cats are bold, not brave like dogs. It’s all about them.

Me: Do you have Cat Guardians up there?

Nell: Of course we do. They’re a disgrace.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: They hardly watch over their loved ones at all.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: They can’t be bothered.

Me: Do they spend their time pushing things off clouds?

Nell: What are you talking about?

Me: Never mind.

Nell: Now, you must make sure you eat and drink before your appointment.

Me: I know. The dentist told me. Herr Hoffmann is making me porridge for breakfast.

Nell: A very good idea.

Me: Dave is having a bowl of porridge, too. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Why? He’s not having a wisdom tooth removed.

Me: He wants to show his support.

Nell: What about Harriet?

Me: She’s going to lick the bowl.

Nell: That doesn’t seem fair.

Me: Harriet’s on a diet.

Nell: I see. Has The Cat found David’s feathered hat?

Me: Yes. He’s been wearing it around the house.

Nell: Don’t let him wear it in the rain, please. There’s nothing worse than a soggy feather.

Me: It’s actually sunny today, Nell.

Nell: I know. The Weather Guardians told me the next few days are going to be much brighter.

Me: Did you wish for sun for me?

Nell: That’s what Guardians do.

Me: Yes. Sorry.