Me: Why are the boys sitting guiltily on chairs in the living room?

Nell: I called a meeting.

Me: On a Sunday morning? Sundays are about bacon and singing and roast beef.

Nell: There will be no bacon until they confess.

Me: Confess what?

Nell: Confess to behaving like hooligans at the Bus Stop last night.

Me: Dave and Nigel aren’t hooligans.

Nell: Eating pizza loudly with their friends and riding around on bicycles.

Me: I didn’t know they had bicycles and how do you eat pizza loudly?

Nell: Ask them.

Me: I suppose it was Saturday night, Nell. And ‘Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting’ as Elton would say.

Nell: Fighting? What’s the matter with you? Why bring fighting into this and who’s Elton?

Me: Never mind. They look ever so sorry.

Nell: Of course they do. They’ve been caught and they’re facing a baconless breakfast.

Me: Please forgive them, Nell. Look at those darling little faces. I’m sure they won’t do it again.

Nell: I’m not. But fortunately I’m in a very good mood so I’m letting them off with a warning this time.

Me: Good.

Nell: Now, today is the first of the month so you need to share the link to the website where people can buy us a cup of Earl Grey.

Me: It’s https://buymeacoffee.com/saramartin. Thank you so much in advance. We really appreciate your support.

Nell: Yes, we do.

Me: I hear Sunday Songs has a Country and Western theme today.

Nell: The Welsh Corgi Choir want to celebrate Rupert’s return with some of his favourite songs.

Me: I know he enjoys a line dance.

Nell: Any excuse to wear cowboy boots, if you ask me. Why aren’t you wearing yours?

Me: I don’t have any.

Nell: Go and ask The Cat.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: You look happy.

Nell: I am.

Me: Tell me everything. Where has Rupert been? Did he enjoy the pancakes with maple syrup and crispy bacon?

Nell: I can’t believe you just asked that?

Me: I’m excited.

Nell: You know he enjoyed the pancakes with maple syrup and crispy bacon. You were there.

Me: Oh yes. I was, wasn’t I?

Nell: You were all there when I walked into the kitchen and saw Rupert in his favourite cardigan smiling at me.

Me: And saying ‘Hello, Nelly.’

Nell: It’s my story.

Me: Yes, but it was so romantic. You rushed towards him and he swept you up in his strong paws.

Nell: And promised he’d never worry me like that ever again.

Me: Where was he?

Nell: On Dartmoor. On retreat. He needed time away from it all. With no phones, or internet.

Me: With Timothy?

Nell: Timothy the Turkey?

Me: Timothy regularly goes on retreat.

Nell: Timothy goes away at Christmas, as you well know, for reasons we all understand. Rupert wasn’t with anyone. He was alone.

Me: But he must have known you would worry?

Nell: I’m afraid he wasn’t sure I would even notice he’d gone but when he saw the Missing posters he realised how worried I was and came home.

Me: I see.

Nell: He knew I needed to get my priorities right and him going away was the only solution.

Me: And have you?

Nell: Yes.

Me: I’m so glad he’s home, Nell, and hasn’t been kidnapped by the Mafia.

Nell: What was in your handbag?

Me: The note from Stanley that he left on the spaghetti bolognese. ‘Il lupo sta tornando a casa’.

Nell: ‘The wolf is on his way home.’

Me: Yes.

Nell: Your Italian accent is awful, by the way.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: I don’t know why you’re smiling. There’s absolutely nothing to smile about.

Me: You don’t know that.

Nell: I do. What did David say about the Interesting News?

Me: Nothing in particular.

Nell: What was in your handbag?

Me: Nothing much.

Nell: He definitely told you something. You’ve all been whispering behind my back.

Me: Have we?

Nell: I don’t know why nobody is telling me anything.

Me: Maybe we’ve been asked not to?

Nell: I don’t understand.

Me: You will soon.

Nell: What does that mean?

Me: You’ll see.

Nell: I just want Rupert to come home.

Me: He knows.

Nell: What do you mean he knows?

Me: He didn’t, but he does now.

Nell: How?

Me: Never mind.

Nell: Can I smell bacon?

Me: Yes, we’re having pancakes with maple syrup and crispy bacon.

Nell: It’s Rupert’s favourite breakfast.

Me: Yes, it is.

Nell: He should be here enjoying it with us.

Me: I agree.

Nell: What are you doing?

Me: Reading the Daily Growl.

Nell: We haven’t had a newspaper delivered since Rupert left. The llamas were useless.

Me: They were.

Nell: Has someone replaced him?

Me: No.

Nell: What do you mean? You’re smiling again.

Me: Have a look in the kitchen, Nell.

Nell: Why?

Me: There might be someone waiting for you.

Nell: Someone?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Someone who’s been missing?

Me: Maybe?

Nell: Someone who I’ve been missing?

Me: Could be?

Nell: Wearing a cardigan?

Me: Just go and find out.

Nell: Has Rupert come home?

Me: Why don’t you go and see for yourself?

Nell: What if he doesn’t want to see me?

Me: Of course he wants to see you. You’re the reason he came home.

Nell: Rupert Coming Home is the Interesting News.

Me: He wanted to surprise you. Sorry.

Nell: You know David has keen ears?

Me: Yes. He’s one of the only animals who can actually hear Henry and Horst.

Nell: Exactly. Well, apparently there’s been some interesting news from the VSA network.

Me: VSA?

Nell: Very Small Animals. Do keep up.

Me: Oh yes. So, what’s the news?

Nell: I don’t know.

Me: What do you mean you don’t know?

Nell: I don’t have keen ears.

Me: No, you don’t. In fact I think you might be going a little deaf.

Nell: What?

Me: I said ‘You’re going deaf!‘

Nell: No need to shout.

Me: Didn’t Dave tell you?

Nell: Tell me what?

Me: The interesting news.

Nell: No. He says it’s classified.

Me: Classified?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Is it about Rupert?

Nell: How would I know?

Me: I don’t think you should go around telling people there’s interesting news when you don’t know what the interesting news is.

Nell: I thought you’d like to know.

Me: I’d like to know what it is.

Nell: Ask David. He might tell you.

Me: Is that what you wanted all along?

Nell: What?

Me: For me to ask Dave?

Nell: It’s just an idea.

Me: Where is he?

Nell: In the living room looking in your handbag.

Me: My handbag?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Why?

Nell: I don’t know.

Me: Do you think there’s something in my handbag that’s to do with the interesting news?

Nell: Maybe?

Me: I need to talk to Dave.

Nell: And look in your handbag.

Me: Yes. I’m sure I can persuade him to tell me what’s going on.

Nell: If anyone can you can.

Me: I’m surprised he didn’t tell you.

Nell: Are you?

Me: Unless Rupert told him not to, which is why you’re asking me?

Nell: What utter nonsense.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: I’m not sure Harriet is completely focused.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: She’s supposed to be watching the Bus Stop but she keeps looking at her paws, or family photos.

Me: I do that. The digital photo frame is fascinating.

Nell: It’s not a problem at the moment because Beauregard is out there waiting for a bus.

Me: Beauregard the tiger?

Nell: Do you know any other Beauregards?

Me: Waiting for a bus?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Are they going to let a tiger get on a bus? I know they allow dogs but I’m not sure they allow tigers.

Nell: He’s not really waiting. He’s pretending to wait.

Me: What’s the difference?

Nell: When it arrives he’ll shrug his shoulders as if to say it’s the wrong bus.

Me: But there’s only one bus.

Nell: Stop nitpicking.

Me: And why is he pretending to wait for a bus? Rupert isn’t going to be on it.

Nell: He wants to eavesdrop on village talk in case someone gives something away about Rupert’s whereabouts.

Me: They aren’t going to do that with a tiger listening.

Nell: You don’t know that. He’s going to act nonchalant.

Me: Are you sure he doesn’t just want to eat the spaghetti bolognese?

Nell: There isn’t any spaghetti bolognese.

Me: Yes, there is. I saw Stanley drop it off in a Tupperware container first thing this morning.

Nell: Well, it isn’t there now.

Me: Someone must have collected it, or Beauregard’s eaten it.

Nell: But he’s not a member of the Spaghetti Bolognese Club.

Me: Tigers don’t care about things like membership and clubs. If there’s something tasty they’ll eat it.

Nell: Did it have a label?

Me: I think so.

Nell: Why are you only telling me this now?

Me: You didn’t ask. Sorry.

Me: Did Dave find any sign of Rupert in the barns?

Nell: No, but he and Harriet checked the stream and feel sure Rupert walked through there.

Me: I thought you couldn’t track anyone in water?

Nell: I didn’t say they could actually smell Rupert. It was more of a feeling. A sense of him.

Me: The trouble is he will definitely have walked through there before so it doesn’t really tell us anything.

Nell: No, I’m afraid it doesn’t.

Me: I’m sure he will be in contact soon, Nell.

Nell: I hope so. I’m feeling rather lost without him.

Me: I know exactly what you mean.

Nell: Henry and Horst are sending out insect trackers so maybe they will discover something.

Me: I think a few of them should hide in that lion’s mane.

Nell: Lionel King doesn’t know anything.

Me: I bet he does. I’d put a few in Stanley Smoochy’s feathers and on Lady Anwen’s hat. They could hide in her veil.

Nell: I’ll pass on your suggestions at our next meeting.

Me: Good. I’m not sure they can get to Sponge Finger or Stephen Seagull but it would be worth a try.

Nell: We don’t know the Italian rook is Sponge Finger. I mean Savoiardi. They all look the same to me.

Me: He’s Sponge Finger. It’s in the eyes.

Nell: Anyway, we’re not giving up until Rupert is safely home.

Me: What’s happening to all the knitwear without him? Aren’t we close to the launch of his Spring Collection?

Nell: It’s on hold. The Cat’s stepped in to coordinate production and distribution of the Winter collection but it doesn’t want to start any new lines without him.

Me: Quite right. We might end up with sequinned cardigans.

Nell: That’s not the reason.

Me: No. Sorry.

Nell: The world’s gone mad.

Me: I’m not going to argue with that.

Nell: David’s sleeping in the smallest bed and the Stuffed Tiger is facing the wrong way.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: It’s turned itself around. Sly animal.

Me: It can’t have done, Nell. It’s stuffed.

Nell: I don’t know what good staring at the wall is going to do.

Me: It’s a cat thing. They can do it for hours.

Nell: The Cat doesn’t do it.

Me: The Cat’s different.

Nell: You’re telling me. Did you put up the posters of Rupert?

Me: Yes, but don’t you think we’d know if he was still in the village?

Nell: Not if he’s been kidnapped and trapped in a small barn.

Me: A small barn? That’s rather specific.

Nell: We have a lot of them in this village.

Me: Is this a new theory?

Nell: Sometimes things are hiding in plain sight.

Me: True. Maybe we need to search the barns?

Nell: Henry and Horst are already on the case.

Me: But they’re woodlice, Nell. It’s going to take them an awfully long time to get to a barn let alone search it.

Nell: David will take them on his hat when he wakes up.

Me: Are you sure Dave’s the right animal for the job? Don’t you think a giant Labrador in a cowboy hat might get noticed?

Nell: He won’t be wearing a cowboy hat.

Me: Good.

Nell: He’ll be wearing a flat cap.

Me: Oh, I see.

Nell: And Wellington boots.

Me: He’ll need them with all this rain. The lanes are so muddy.

Nell: Exactly.

Nell: On another note, who was playing the drums at 8am this morning?

Me: I don’t know.

Nell: Well, find out. Mondays are difficult enough already.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: You’re not going to believe this.

Me: I just might.

Nell: Rupert is at the Winter Olympics. He was taking part in the skiing in the women’s cross-country team sprint for some reason.

Me: No, he wasn’t, Nell.

Nell: Several people contacted me. Some with photos of him crossing the finishing line.

Me: That was a 2 year old Czechoslovakian Wolfdog called Nazghul.

Nell: How do you know?

Me: Because his photo is everywhere.

Nell: It looked a lot like him.

Me: Only if you wanted it to, Nell.

Nell: I was surprised. Rupert doesn’t ski.

Me: No, but he paddleboards.

Nell: Yes, do you remember when we first saw him paddleboarding at Hope Cove?

Me: Yes, he waved to us.

Nell: He did. It was a long time ago now.

Me: Yes.

Nell: I miss him.

Me: Of course you do.

Nell: I really liked the thought of him being at the Winter Olympics in Italy.

Me: Funny how Italy keeps cropping up.

Nell: Sunday Songs is all about the Winter Olympics so make sure you wear your ski suit.

Me: I don’t have one.

Nell: Never mind. The Welsh Corgi Choir do. Lionel says Stanley is going to bring a bowl of spaghetti bolognese to cheer us up.

Me: Have you been talking to that lion again?

Nell: I’ve been talking to everyone.

Me: I don’t think anyone should be eating spaghetti bolognese at Sunday Songs. It’s rude.

Nell: Tell David that.

Me: Sundays are for roasts not spaghetti.

Nell: There’s room for both, although I’ve lost my appetite now you’ve crushed my dreams.

Me: What dreams?

Nell: That Rupert won a medal at the Olympic Games and is bringing it home to me.

Me: It’s a lovely dream but that’s all it is, Nell. I’m sorry.

Me: Have you heard anything from Rupert?

Nell: Nobody has heard anything for days.

Me: It’s not like him at all.

Nell: The llamas have been delivering his newspapers. Badly.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: They seem to think they can just throw them at people.

Me: They probably think they’re in the United States.

Nell: Just because they line dance and wear the occasional cowboy hat doesn’t mean they’ve turned North American.

Me: Never mind.

Nell: Anyway, we can’t waste time chatting. I need you to be up and doing.

Me: But it’s Saturday.

Nell: Rupert is missing and we need to launch a search party.

Me: I think you might be overreacting, Nell.

Nell: I’ve organised Missing posters and I need them distributed countrywide.

Me: Did you say countrywide? Or countywide?

Nell: Countrywide. He may not be in Devon.

Me: Goodness me.

Nell: We’ll start with the UK but we might need to expand our search.

Me: Are you expecting me to drive around the UK with posters?

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. I want you to put them up in the village.

Me: That’s a relief.

Nell: I’ve reported Rupert as Missing to PC Panda so the police are on the case.

Me: Good to know.

Nell: Owl Pacino and Count Bingo Flamingo are covering the air and Princess. Sir Roger Blubbery and the Navy Seals are covering the sea.

Me: Gosh. You’ve been busy.

Nell: Henry and Horst are coordinating everything with the help of the VSA.

Me: VSA?

Nell: Very Small Animals. Do keep up.

Me: Can I see the poster?

Nell: Here it is.

Me: It’s missing some important information.

Nell: What?

Me: It just says ‘Contact Nell Martin’. What if people don’t know who you are?

Nell: Everyone knows who I am.

Me: Right. Sorry.

Me: Look at this sweet photo of Chris with baby Harriet. Isn’t it adorable?

Nell: Yes.

Me: How tiny was she?

Nell: Very.

Me: You’re being a bit quiet this morning. Is something wrong?

Nell: I still haven’t heard from Rupert.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: He hasn’t replied to any of my texts and he’s ignored the countless voicemails I left him.

Me: Maybe his iBone is broken, or not charged?

Nell: Rupert isn’t the kind of wolf to let that kind of thing happen.

Me: No, I agree.

Nell: He always makes sure to text ‘Good night, sleep well’.

Me: It is strange. Has anyone else seen him?

Nell: No. The newspapers haven’t been delivered either.

Me: Perhaps he’s decided to go away for a while.

Nell: Without telling me?

Me: It might have been a spur-of-the-moment decision.

Nell: It’s not like him at all.

Me: No, it isn’t.

Nell: To be honest, I’m getting really worried about him.

Me: I’m sure he’s fine, Nell.

Nell: This is so out of character.

Me: If we don’t hear from him soon we could always ask Walter to have a fly around.

Nell: Walter Pigeon?

Me: Yes. I’m sure he could rustle up a search party.

Nell: I’d rather ask Owl Pacino.

Me: I’m not sure the Royal Owl Force can get involved in something like this.

Nell: They will if I ask them.

Me: Let’s give it another day, Nell. I’m sure he’ll be in touch soon. He wouldn’t want you to be worried.

Nell: Which is exactly why I am. Running away isn’t something Rupert would do.

Me: I wouldn’t call it running away. He might just be taking some time for himself.

Nell: There’s something very wrong about all this.

Me: I’m beginning to agree with you. Sorry.