Me: I found a white feather on our walk.

Nell: Did you?

Me: It means someone you love and have lost is thinking of you.

Nell: I know it does.

Me: You put it there, didn’t you?

Nell: I couldn’t possibly say.

Me: You knew I was feeling down and you wanted me to know you were there.

Nell: I’m always here.

Me: Thank you for doing that.

Nell: My pleasure.

Me: But now the Puppies are looking for white feathers everywhere.

Nell: Oh dear.

Me: So, you’re going to have to scatter a few more around.

Nell: We Guardians don’t just scatter white feathers around, you know. There’s a limited number.

Me: You can do it, Nell. I know you can.

Nell: Fine. Tell them to keep a close eye out the next time they go on a walk.

Me: I will. I knew it was you.

Nell: Of course it was me. I’m not going to let you go through this alone, am I?

Me: No.

Nell: Tell David not to search for white feathers in the stream, please. Only on land.

Me: Will do.

Nell: And not in the sea, either. We don’t want him swimming out too far.

Me: Don’t worry.

Nell: Now, you have your Wednesday Writers workshop this morning, don’t you?

Me: Yes, I wasn’t sure if I could do it but I’ve decided I will.

Nell: Good. Don’t worry if you’re a little teary. The other writers will understand.

Me: I’m in such a mess at the moment. Nell. I cry at anything.

Nell: You’re grieving. People know what that’s like.

Me: You’re right. Unfortunately most people do.

Nell: So, dry your eyes and get ready to join the other writers. You might even enjoy it. You usually do.

Me: You’re right. Sorry.

Nell: You look tired.

Me: I’m not sleeping very well. We went to our special beach late yesterday afternoon to see the island and remember you.

Nell: Thank you. It looks as beautiful as ever.

Me: It was, but, if I’m honest, I struggled being there without you.

Nell: I understand.

Me: You and I always walked slowly along the beach together, far behind the others.

Nell: Yes, we did.

Me: Taking our time and chatting to each other.

Nell: Yes. I remember.

Me: I miss you so much, Nell.

Nell: I know you do. It will get easier with time. I promise.

Me: Dave and Harriet had a wonderful time. They both went swimming in the sea.

Nell: Good for them.

Me: We’re very lucky to live where we do.

Nell: You are.

Me: It isn’t the same without you. The house is so quiet.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: You liked to make your voice heard, Nell.

Nell: I still do.

Me: I’m never going to get tired of hearing your voice.

Nell: Good, because you’re never going to have to.

Me: Thank goodness for that.

Nell: Now, is there any news on Rupert and Lionel?

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: Has Lionel pulled himself together yet?

Me: Not really. He still has a matted mane.

Nell: Oh dear. What about Rupert?

Me: Rupert doesn’t have a mane.

Nell: That’s not what I meant. How is he?

Me: He’s gone a little Italian, if you must know.

Nell; A little Italian?

Me: He’s started delivering spaghetti bolognese with the newspapers.

Nell: In Tupperware containers?

Me: Yes. I suspect he’s working with Stanley.

Nell: Sherlock Martin strikes again.

Me: What does that mean?

Nell: Of course he’s working with Stanley. The question is why.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: It’s a week ago today we said goodbye to you.

Nell: I know. Try not to dwell on it. So, what’s the latest news?

Me: You’re not going to believe this.

Nell: I might.

Me: Guess who turned up at Sunday Songs drunk and disorderly?

Nell: I don’t know.

Me: That wretched lion.

Nell: Lionel King?

Me: Yes, with a matted mane.

Nell: Oh dear.

Me: He’s in a dreadful way, Nell. I almost feel sorry for him.

Nell: Lionel loved me. He’s understandably distraught.

Me: He started crying during Knitwear Wolf’s poem.

Nell: Did Rupert notice?

Me: He went over to Lionel afterwards and comforted him.

Nell: Of course he did. Typical Rupert.

Me: Yes. He’s a kind wolf. I just wish he would stop wearing that hat.

Nell: What hat?

Me: The Italian Mafia hat.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: I think he might have gone over to the other side.

Nell: What?

Me: Rupert’s joined the Mafia.

Nell: Has he started speaking Italian?

Me: Only occasionally.

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: The odd ‘Ciao Bella’ after a bowl of spaghetti bolognese with Dave.

Nell: I thought he wanted to be alone?

Me: He did, but something’s happened.

Nell: Has Sally been down here?

Me: Yes. She came to comfort Dave for a few days.

Nell: Did she see Rupert?

Me: You think Sally suspects Rupert, don’t you?

Nell: I never said that.

Me: You think Rupert has nothing to lose now you’ve gone and he’s thrown caution to the wind and joined the Baddies.

Nell: Have you quite finished?

Me: Just a theory.

Nell: Rupert could never join the Baddies as you call them. He’s an honourable wolf.

Me: What about the Italian hat?

Nell: It’s just a hat. Calm down.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Look at me and Alice. That brings back memories.

Me: Yes. I thought I’d share it as it’s International Women’s Day.

Nell: Two strong, wonderful females?

Me: Exactly.

Nell: So, where are you?

Me: I’m not that strong or wonderful, Nell.

Nell: I beg to disagree.

Me: Nobody needs to see me at the moment.

Nell: Nonsense. What roast are you having today? Poppy’s cooking beef.

Me: Herr Hoffmann doesn’t feel like cooking. We’re having salad.

Nell: Salad on a Sunday?

Me: We’re fine.

Nell: Are you still going to Sunday Songs?

Me: Of course. It’s dedicated to you.

Nell: Not more weeping and wailing, I hope.

Me: Just your favourite songs and Rupert wants to share a short poem with us.

Nell: Do you know what it is?

Me: Yes, it’s very sad, Nell. It made me cry.

Nell: Tell me.

Me: It’s called ‘Separation’ by the American poet W.S. Merwin.

‘Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.’

Nell: Beautiful words, but extremely sad.

Me: I know. It sums up the feeling of losing someone you love.

Nell: You need to keep a really close eye on him for me, please. He’s not coping.

Me: I’m afraid he simply wants to be alone.

Nell: I understand. Just make sure you’re there when he realises he needs you.

Me: I will.

Nell: Sometimes it takes time for people to ask for help, or even accept they need it.

Me: I know.

Nell: Moving on, Poppy was wondering if all the women might like to dress as fierce pirates today?

Me: Definitely not.

Nell: She and I are. The Cat is bound to have a whole selection of outfits in its Dressing Up Box.

Me: Not happening. Sorry.

Nell: I’m glad to see Harriet is enjoying her walks as much as ever.

Me: She is, Nell. Watching her lifts my heart.

Nell: Good.

Me: She loves running up to me and then running off again.

Nell: I remember it well. You sound tired.

Me: I had a bad night.

Nell: Missing me?

Me: So much.

Nell: It will get easier. I promise.

Me: I hope so. Grief is exhausting.

Nell: What you need is a giant Yorkshire pudding.

Me: I beg your pardon?

Nell: Filled with sausages, mashed potatoes and gravy and lots of fresh vegetables on the side.

Me: For breakfast?

Nell: Don’t be silly. It’s Saturday. Breakfast is bacon sandwiches. The Yorkshires are for dinner.

Me: Is this Poppy’s idea?

Nell: Yes, she and I have been planning the weekly menu.

Me: I’m not sure Herr Hoffmann is going to want you interfering.

Nell: Interfering? I’m a Guardian. We advise.

Me: It sounded more like an order.

Nell: Poppy only does orders.

Me: I remember.

Nell: So, tell Herr Hoffmann to use Poppy’s recipe.

Me: I will.

Nell: You’re still feeling low, aren’t you?

Me: Yes, I am.

Nell: Maybe you should go back to bed for a little sleep?

Me: I might try and have a sleep later.

Nell: Is David still Eating His Feelings?

Me: Yes, I’m afraid he is.

Nell: Did I see a black-winged Beefy fly by the house just now?

Me: They’re all wearing black, Nell. They have been since you died.

Nell: The Beefies are in mourning because of me?

Me: The whole village is in mourning, Nell.

Nell: Well, that’s most flattering.

Me: It’s not exactly how I would put it but I suppose it is.

Nell: It’s going to be alright, you know. Trust me.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: That’s young me with Poppy and there’s dear Mutley and Charlie.

Me: I thought people might like to see what they look like.

Nell: I’m glad to see David.

Me: I thought you would be.

Nell: There are even more flowers today.

Me: My publishers sent them to me. They were very sad to hear about you.

Nell: Did you tell them we’re still having conversations?

Me: I did.

Nell: Good. Are you aware David’s been eating a lot of spaghetti bolognese recently?

Me: He says he’s Eating His Feelings.

Nell: It looks like he’s eating everyone else’s feelings too.

Me: The Spaghetti Bolognese Club has disbanded.

Nell: Tell them to pull themselves together. The Club must go on.

Me: I’ll try.

Nell: And David has to share.

Me: He’s heartbroken without you, Nell. Poor Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: I know.

Me: The first thing he and Harriet do when they get home from their walk is go and look for you.

Nell: It’s going to take time to adjust to the new situation.

Me: People were asking about the other Guardians. Some of them don’t have the book so I thought you could tell them who they are.

Nell: Poppy is a feisty Maltese Yorkshire terrier cross with a passion for cooking.

Me: And all things pirate.

Nell: Mutley is a Patterdale Terrier and was quite the entrepreneur back in the day.

Me: Yes, Pizza Mutt and MuttDonalds were popular.

Nell: He was also a famous magician.

Me: The Great Mutliano.

Nell: And he toured the United States with his swing band.

Me: Finally there’s Charlie.

Nell: Charlie’s a German Shepherd and former spy. He was my husband.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Reuniting is wonderful but it doesn’t mean I don’t miss you all.

Me: I know. Sorry.

Nell: Why’s Nigel sitting in front of my flowers?

Me: Nigel and Charlotte came to give us some hugs and love.

Nell: They’re my flowers.

Me: No. The flowers are from Chris and Alice and the family and they’re for everyone.

Nell: It’s Thursday. Nigel comes over at the weekend.

Me: Nigel and Charlotte are actually heartbroken too, Nell.

Nell: I expect they are.

Me: You might have found Nigel a little irritating but he loved you.

Nell: I found him extremely irritating. Still do.

Me: You don’t seem to have mellowed since you became a Guardian.

Nell: Mellowed? Don’t be ridiculous. Did you talk to Rupert?

Me: I tried but I’m not sure he heard me.

Nell: Just keep trying.

Me: He’s certainly keeping himself busy. He’s out all the time.

Nell: Yes. That’s what’s worrying me.

Me: People deal with grief in different ways. Kev likes to keep busy, too.

Nell: I know. I’ve been watching over him.

Me: I’ll tell him that.

Nell: Kev knows. Trust me.

Me: Yes, you’re right.

Nell: Did I tell you Poppy is teaching me how to sword fight?

Me: I beg your pardon?

Nell: The upside to being a Guardian is all the aches and pains have gone.

Me: I’m not sure you should be sword fighting, Nell.

Nell: It makes Charlie laugh.

Me: Dear Charlie. How is he?

Nell: Healthier and happier than he’s ever been.

Me: I can imagine.

Nell: Now, Poppy says the best thing for you at the moment is chicken soup.

Me: That’s a good idea.

Nell: You should tell Herr Hoffmann to look in her recipe book.

Me: He knows how to make soup.

Nell: Just tell him.

Me: You’re very bossy, Nell.

Nell: You wouldn’t want me any other way

Me: You’re right. Sorry.

Nell: So, what have you been doing?

Me: We went for a lovely long walk in the countryside and I saw primroses in the hedges.

Nell: Your late mother’s favourite flowers.

Me: You remembered.

Nell: I remember everything.

Me: It’s strange suddenly hearing your voice. I’m still getting used to it.

Nell: It is what it is.

Me: Are you eating something?

Nell: Why?

Me: I can hear you chewing.

Nell: I might be enjoying one of Poppy’s scones.

Me: Has Poppy been baking?

Nell: Yes, we’re having a cream tea in honour of my arrival.

Me: I didn’t know Guardians could cook or eat.

Nell: Of course we can.

Me: Well, that’s good to know.

Nell: Moving on, how are the Puppies?

Me: A little low.

Nell: Only a little?

Me: I thought you didn’t want us all to be weeping and wailing.

Nell: I don’t.

Me: You wouldn’t believe how many people have been in touch from all over the world. You were a very special dog.

Nell: I still am, thank you very much. Now, I’m extremely worried about Rupert.

Me: I’m afraid Knitwear Wolf isn’t doing well at all.

Nell: And I’m afraid he’s going to do something stupid.

Me: Like what?

Nell: Like get in with the wrong crowd.

Me: He wouldn’t do that.

Nell: The old Rupert wouldn’t. But this is the new one.

Me: I didn’t like to ask before, Nell, but was Charlie waiting for you?

Nell: He was.

Me: Do you think Rupert knows that?

Nell: I’m sure he does.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: I need you to tell him that just because Charlie and I are together again doesn’t mean I didn’t care deeply for him.

Me: I’ll try.

Nell: Trying’s not enough. He needs to know.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Thank you for all the lovely messages. Losing Nell was truly heartbreaking. I don’t know how I’m going to cope without her.

Nell: Cope without me? What nonsense.

Me: Nell, is that you?

Nell: Of course it’s me. Just because I’m not there physically doesn’t mean I’m not here.

Me: Am I going crazy?

Nell: No more than usual.

Me: I can hear you really clearly.

Nell: I’m your Guardian. Of course you can.

Me: What about everyone else?

Nell: Thanks to your habit of over-sharing they can probably hear me too.

Me: Does this mean I can still talk to you?

Nell: It certainly does.

Me: Can you see me?

Nell: I can see everything and you look absolutely dreadful. What have you been doing? Crying all night?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Well, stop right now. As I told you before, I’m still here.

Me: I know you told me you’d always be with me but I didn’t really believe you.

Nell: Poppy said you wouldn’t.

Me: How is Poppy?

Nell: Ridiculously excited to see me.

Me: And Mutley?

Nell: The same without the pirate’s hat.

Me: I’m so glad you’re with them. We had to let you go. We couldn’t let you suffer.

Nell: I know. It was the most loving thing you could have done for me.

Me: I miss you so much.

Nell: Of course you do. But you’re not the only one. I need you to look after the others.

Me: I will.

Nell: They’re going to feel lost at first.

Me: Dave and Harriet keep looking for you.

Nell: Well, you need to tell them I’m still here.

Me: I can’t believe this. I’m really having a conversation with you.

Nell: You and me. Always. Remember?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: No sorries. Not today.

Me: Why are the boys sitting guiltily on chairs in the living room?

Nell: I called a meeting.

Me: On a Sunday morning? Sundays are about bacon and singing and roast beef.

Nell: There will be no bacon until they confess.

Me: Confess what?

Nell: Confess to behaving like hooligans at the Bus Stop last night.

Me: Dave and Nigel aren’t hooligans.

Nell: Eating pizza loudly with their friends and riding around on bicycles.

Me: I didn’t know they had bicycles and how do you eat pizza loudly?

Nell: Ask them.

Me: I suppose it was Saturday night, Nell. And ‘Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting’ as Elton would say.

Nell: Fighting? What’s the matter with you? Why bring fighting into this and who’s Elton?

Me: Never mind. They look ever so sorry.

Nell: Of course they do. They’ve been caught and they’re facing a baconless breakfast.

Me: Please forgive them, Nell. Look at those darling little faces. I’m sure they won’t do it again.

Nell: I’m not. But fortunately I’m in a very good mood so I’m letting them off with a warning this time.

Me: Good.

Nell: Now, today is the first of the month so you need to share the link to the website where people can buy us a cup of Earl Grey.

Me: It’s https://buymeacoffee.com/saramartin. Thank you so much in advance. We really appreciate your support.

Nell: Yes, we do.

Me: I hear Sunday Songs has a Country and Western theme today.

Nell: The Welsh Corgi Choir want to celebrate Rupert’s return with some of his favourite songs.

Me: I know he enjoys a line dance.

Nell: Any excuse to wear cowboy boots, if you ask me. Why aren’t you wearing yours?

Me: I don’t have any.

Nell: Go and ask The Cat.

Me: Yes. Sorry.