Nell: Why is Nigel sitting on the Naughty Chair?

Me: He isn’t on the Naughty Chair, he’s just watching television at home.

Nell: Have you looked at his face?

Me: It’s probably a serious programme.

Nell: That’s a Naughty Chair Face. Trust me.

Me: Is it?

Nell: What did he do?

Me: His name is Naughty Nigel so it could be anything.

Nell: I’m guessing that cat is behind it.

Me: Xav the Cat is Nigel’s best friend.

Nell: Cats can’t be real friends.

Me: That’s not true. The Cat and Dorothy are tremendous friends. I see them out and about together all the time.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: They’re obviously missing you. It’s something they have in common, like fashion.

Nell: I suppose they do. Dorothy was always obsessed with the latest trend.

Me: She’s a Salcombe Setter. It’s in her genes.

Nell: You’re right.

Me: You bring people together even when you’re not there, Nell.

Nell: Do I?

Me: Yes. I’ve had lots of messages from people all over the world who really miss seeing you but are so glad they can still hear you.

Nell: They can’t hear me. Only you can do that.

Me: I know but I let people know what you’re saying.

Nell: Not everything I’m saying, I hope.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: Not my gentle grumbles.

Me: People love the fact you’re opinionated, Nell.

Nell: These are supposed to be special, private conversations.

Me: They are special and incredibly precious. They mean the world to me.

Nell: I know.

Me: But they’re meant to be shared, Nell.

Nell: I see.

Me: You’re too wonderful not to be shared.

Nell: I understand. We still don’t know why Nigel is sitting on the Naughty Chair though, do we?

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: Is there anything more irresistible than my Big Brave Beautiful Boy with his new favourite toy?

Nell: One of Poppy’s scones with jam and cream?

Me: You can’t compare Dave to a cream tea.

Nell: I most certainly can.

Me: It doesn’t come close.

Nell: Don’t tell Poppy that.

Me: How is she?

Nell: Out water skiing with The Great Barberino.

Me: I beg your pardon?

Nell: It’s her latest passion.

Me: Do you mean you have a sea up there?

Nell: We have everything. I’ve told you this before.

Me: Isn’t The Great Barberino a little too musical to go water skiing?

Nell: You can ski and sing.

Me: I suppose you can. Are you tempted to join them?

Nell: Try and be a touch more realistic, please.

Me: Just wondering.

Nell: Charlie and I enjoy the odd game of tennis.

Me: Nice. What about dancing?

Nell: Occasionally, but only ballroom. Latin is a step too far.

Me: I see what you did there. Poppy used to love dancing the Paso Doble.

Nell: She still does.

Me: With The Great Barberino?

Nell: Don’t be silly.

Me: Is Poppy playing the bullfighter?

Nell: Of course.

Me: Has she found someone to be the cape?

Nell: She’s auditioning a peacock and a guinea fowl this afternoon.

Me: My money’s on the peacock.

Nell: Guinea fowl are better dancers.

Me: Interesting.

Nell: What are your plans today?

Me: A walk in the countryside with Kev, Dave and Harriet followed by a Spanish curry.

Nell: Spanish?

Me: Manuel the Octopus is cooking and he’s from Barcelona.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: I’ve had a thought.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: Manuel would make the perfect cape for Poppy.

Nell: Except Manuel isn’t a Guardian and cape’s don’t have tentacles.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Nell: Harriet has grass on her tongue.

Me: Never mind that, Nell. Look at her smile.

Nell: She certainly seems happy.

Me: She always is when she’s on a walk.

Nell: I still think she needs to take that grass out of her mouth.

Me: You dogs like to eat grass now and again. It cleans your insides.

Nell: Cleans our insides?

Me: It’s a natural fibre. You do it instinctively.

Nell: That’s as maybe but we shouldn’t be photographed in the process.

Me: It was all about her smile. Sometimes you focus on the wrong things, Nell.

Nell: Do I?

Me: Yes, and you miss what’s important.

Nell: You might be right.

Me: I am.

Nell: Make sure she hasn’t got any grass on her tongue the next time you take a close-up, please.

Me: Fine.

Nell: Moving on, is The Cat still lunching with My Friend Dorothy?

Me: Yes. Now that the weather is warmer they’ve started going for walks together in the grounds of the stately home.

Nell: The Cat doesn’t do walks.

Me: It does now. It was recommending walks in the fresh air to Nigel’s friend Xav the Cat.

Nell: How do you know?

Me: Xav told Nigel and Nigel told Dave and Dave told me.

Nell: Stop. You’re exhausting me. Since when has The Cat been friends with Xav the Cat?

Me: Ages.

Nell: The Cat has never shown any interest in other cats before. It positively dislikes them.

Me: Losing you has changed its outlook on life.

Nell: It’s still wearing sequins and feather boas, isn’t it?

Me: Of course.

Nell: Thank goodness for that.

Me: But not when it goes walking in the countryside with Dorothy. It wears sensible clothes for that.

Nell: I’m going to need a lie down.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: Good Morning.

Me: Do you ever feel someone is watching you?

Nell: No, I’m a Guardian. I do the watching.

Me: Nigel thought someone was following us on our walk.

Nell: Maybe they were?

Me: It definitely wasn’t a Chubby Raccoon.

Nell: What are you talking about?

Me: It might have been a squirrel, or a deer.

Nell: I can’t believe I’m going to say this but can we go back to the Chubby Raccoon, please?

Me: I was talking to Chris and Shannon in Toronto yesterday and Marvin is being watched by a Chubby Raccoon.

Nell: I think you’ll find Marvin was doing the watching.

Me: Not this time. He was trying to get some sleep on the sofa.

Nell: Anyway, as you most definitely do not have raccoons in Devon it won’t have been one.

Me: We have lions and tigers.

Nell: Beauregard has no reason to follow you and if you ‘re trying to suggest it was Lionel King you can stop right now.

Me: There were a lot of birds around but they don’t really do that silent following thing.

Nell: What silent following thing?

Me: Sneaking through the undergrowth on soft paws and peering through the trees.

Nell: Well, there we have it.

Me: What?

Nell: It was Harriet. She’s always spying on someone.

Me: Why would Harriet spy on Nigel?

Nell: I have no idea. For practice purposes, probably.

Me: Nice alliteration.

Nell: Thank you.

Me: It still doesn’t explain why the Chubby Raccoon is spying on Marvin.

Nell: I’d like to point out that if Marvin was inside on the sofa and the Chubby Raccoon was outside on the roof it wouldn’t have been able to see him.

Me: Maybe it had binoculars?

Nell: This has gone too far.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: That’s me and you.

Me: Yes, taken on the day we first met.

Nell: The day I chose you.

Me: You came home with me the same day.

Nell: I did.

Me: And we were never really apart for the next nearly 14 years.

Nell: We still aren’t.

Me: You know what I mean. It’s different now.

Nell: Are you crying again?

Me: Yes.

Nell: It’s seeing the photos. Why do you do this to yourself?

Me: Because it’s International Mother’s Day and people are celebrating mothers all over the world.

Nell: Except in the UK.

Me: Yes. But I was thinking how there are all kinds of mothers. From people who care for animals to people who simply care for others.

Nell: Mothers are not always people.

Me: No. Which is why I thought of you.

Nell: You’d be lost without my advice.

Me: I really would.

Nell: Will you be speaking to Chris and Alice today? It’s Mother’s Day for them in Germany and Canada.

Me: We’re FaceTiming later.

Nell: You’re probably missing your mother.

Me: Always.

Nell: Even though it’s not officially Mother’s Day I think you can still celebrate with all the international mothers.

Me: Yes. The Welsh Corgi Choir are going to sing motherly songs at Sunday Songs.

Nell: What is a motherly song?

Me: I have no idea. A lullaby?

Nell: I hope you’re all having a Sunday roast.

Me: Herr Hoffman is roasting a chicken.

Nell: With stuffing and bread sauce?

Me: Yes, and sausages, roast potatoes and lots of vegetables for the vegetarians.

Nell: There should really be a Guardian’s Day.

Me: Every day is Guardian’s Day, Nell. You’re never out of my thoughts.

Nell: Or you of mine. You and me. Always.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: No sorries. Not today.

Me: Harriet was off exploring everywhere when we were out on our walk.

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: She went in and out of the trees then over the bridge to the bluebell fields and right up the hill.

Nell: Did she find anything?

Me: I don’t know but Dave was watching her closely all the time. Bless him.

Nell: David’s her brother. He’s going to want to keep her safe.

Me: Yes. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. I hope he understands why we have to keep him on the lead.

Nell: Don’t worry. I explained it to him.

Me: He’s just not very good at coming back.

Nell: No, I’m afraid he doesn’t listen.

Me: Harriet always comes back.

Nell: Yes, and she’s always listening. It’s her job.

Me: She’s actually becoming a little like you, Nell.

Nell: In what way?

Me: She’s started grumbling.

Nell: I didn’t grumble,

Me: You barked orders.

Nell: I had no choice. Someone had to run the household. I don’t know how you’re managing without me.

Me: Not very well, to be honest.

Nell: It will pass.

Me: Harriet doesn’t bark orders but she makes her feelings known.

Nell: Good for her.

Me: And now Dave’s started too.

Nell: David is grumbling?

Me: It’s more like whining.

Nell: Whining?

Me: He seems to think he needs permission to come upstairs.

Nell: Does he?

Me: Of course not. He can come and go as he pleases.

Nell: What about when you have your Wednesday Writers workshop?

Me: I have to close my door then.

Nell: Or you’re changing the bed?

Me: I have to close it then, too.

Nell: So he can’t come and go as he pleases, can he?

Me: Not all the time.

Nell: No wonder he’s whining.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: We had a lovely long walk through the countryside yesterday.

Nell: Good.

Me: Kev and I were saying how lucky we are to have this on our doorstep.

Nell: Moving to the village was the right decision,

Me: It was. There’s something healing about being in nature. It soothes the soul.

Nell: You’re rather flowery this morning.

Me: I am, aren’t I? We met some friendly cows but Dave was a little naughty.

Nell: What did he do?

Me: He gave a commanding bark and they all ran away.

Nell: Was he pleased with himself?

Me: Very.

Nell: Thought so.

Me: I told him it was naughty and he should have kept quiet but I could tell he wasn’t listening.

Nell: Sometimes a dog has to do what a dog has to do.

Me: We also met a magnificent black beetle crossing the lane.

Nell: Was his name Mortimer?

Me: I didn’t ask. Why?

Nell: I seem to remember Henry and Horst talking about a Mortimer who lives nearby.

Me: I didn’t know you could hear woodlice. You had trouble hearing me at times.

Nell: David told me. He has keen ears.

Me: Dave stopped and chatted to the beetle.

Nell: You can ask him if it was Mortimer.

Me: I can, but I don’t know why it’s so important to you.

Nell: If you must know a lady beetle from Devon joined us last night and her husband’s name is Mortimer. She was very worried about leaving him.

Me: It’s highly unlikely that it’s the same beetle, Nell.

Nell: Life is stranger than you think. Coincidences happen all the time.

Me: I suppose they do.

Nell: When you mentioned the beetle I was thinking of Angela.

Me: Who’s Angela?

Nell: Mortimer’s wife. Do keep up.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: I see you went on my favourite river walk.

Me: Yes, everything is starting to turn a summery green.

Nell: Did you sit at my bench?

Me: I still can’t do it, Nell. Too many memories.

Nell: You will in time.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Harriet ran in and out of the water, I presume.

Me: Always. She absolutely loves it and I love seeing her happy little face.

Nell: Talking of happy little faces, is that Welsh corgi still in the picture?

Me: In what picture? Which corgi?

Nell: Myfanwy. Are she and Rupert still an item?

Me: I’m not sure they’re an item, Nell. They just enjoy each other’s company.

Nell: Remember that corgi has a chequered past.

Me: She’s a reformed corgi now.

Nell: Just saying. What about the Beefies? You haven’t mentioned them recently.

Me: I think they’re getting ready for the summer season.

Nell: You mean stealing from clueless Grockles.

Me: Don’t call the tourists Grockles and they’re not clueless.

Nell: They walk around with ice creams and chips.

Me: They’re on holiday. I remember a big seagull stealing a cookie out of Alice’s hand in Florida.

Nell: Beefies steal and cheat. It’s in their DNA.

Me: I love the sound of seagulls. It reminds me of my childhood.

Nell: It’s an awful noise.

Me: Not to me. This village has so many birds. It’s wonderful. I’m listening to them now.

Nell: Beefies?

Me: No, other smaller birds.

Nell: You’re supposed to be listening to me.

Me: I can do two things at once.

Nell: I’m listening to Poppy snoring.

Me: Poppy’s still asleep?

Nell: She was up all night playing poker with Oscar and the Yorkshire Terriers.

Me: Aren’t they too old to be up all night?

Nell: They’re Guardians.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Nell: You’re up early this morning.

Me: It’s my Wednesday Writers workshop later.

Nell: No need to wake the whole house.

Me: I haven’t. Herr Hoffmann’s been baking bread for hours.

Nell: I must say I miss those fresh German bread rolls.

Me: They’re delicious with honey, aren’t they?

Nell: I prefer mine with lots of butter and a boiled egg on the side.

Me: Good idea.

Nell: David looks decidedly grumpy.

Me: He doesn’t like having his photo taken before breakfast.

Nell: Is that mud on his nose?

Me: Probably.

Nell: Well, no wonder he doesn’t want to be photographed. Nobody would with mud on their nose.

Me: True.

Nell: And Harriet looks positively shocked.

Me: I don’t know why. She’s seen me in my pyjamas before.

Nell: You should be wearing a dressing gown.

Me: It’s quite warm today, Nell. There’s no need.

Nell: Why aren’t you dressed?

Me: I just popped downstairs for a cup of tea before I showered.

Nell: You’re messing up everyone’s routine. The Puppies come upstairs to you when they’re ready.

Me: But I’m ready now.

Nell: But breakfast isn’t. Nobody expects to see you until then.

Me: Well, I’m here now so I might as well grab a bowl of cereal.

Nell: A bowl of cereal?

Me: Yes.

Nell: When you have the chance to enjoy one of Herr Hoffmann’s freshly-baked rolls?

Me: I can have one of those later.

Nell: Two breakfasts?

Me: Not two exactly. More of a staggered breakfast.

Nell: A Staggered Breakfast?

Me: Yes. Cereal now, then a shower and a roll.

Nell: What?

Me: Why not?

Nell: Breakfast must be enjoyed quietly and slowly. It’s the most important meal of the day.

Me: Is it?

Nell: A Rushed Breakfast leads to A Rushed Day.

Me: Right. Sorry.

Nell: Where is Nigel? He seems comfortable.

Me: Nigel’s at his home on Charlotte’s bed.

Nell: That looks like a lovely soft blanket.

Me: It does.

Nell: Did he get it from Rupert?

Me: I’m not sure if it’s from the Knitwear Wolf range. It might be. I’m fairly sure Rupert gave Nigel a blanket for Christmas.

Nell: How is Rupert, by the way?

Me: He’s not quite himself yet, Nell, but he‘s doing an awful lot better than he was.

Nell: Good to hear.

Me: Myfanwy has helped.

Nell: How?

Me: She has such a sunny disposition.

Nell: Good for her.

Me: Having a positive outlook on life is not to be sniffed at.

Nell: I wasn’t sniffing.

Me: You sort of were.

Nell: I’m just struggling with the idea of being replaced by a Welsh corgi.

Me: Nobody can ever replace you.

Nell: I’m not so sure about that.

Me: Don’t be silly. You’re irreplaceable and you know it.

Nell: Moving on, Poppy was asking about John the Doberman. Is he still running Starbarks?

Me: Yes, as far as I know.

Nell: What about The Cat? How is it coping without me?

Me: It’s still devastated but fortunately Dorothy has been able to distract it with shopping trips and light lunches.

Nell: My friend Dorothy is going for light lunches with The Cat?

Me: Yes.

Nell: I’m the one who lunches.

Me: I know.

Nell: With The Cat and Dorothy.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Not always together.

Me: No.

Nell: And definitely not without me.

Me: They’ve no choice, Nell.

Nell: I suppose not.

Me: You could always have a light lunch with Poppy?

Nell: Poppy doesn’t do light lunches. She’s far too busy. It’s a quick sandwich on the fly and off she goes again.

Me: Yes. Sorry.