Nell: I see Nigel has made himself comfortable.

Me: He loves a soft cushion.

Nell: You managed to take David and Harriet out yesterday.

Me: Yes. It was muddy and wet but the sunset was pretty.

Nell: Is it raining again today?

Me: Yes, bucketloads just now.

Nell: Don’t exaggerate. It’s not a monsoon.

Me: We’ve had a funny old time with the weather.

Nell: I wouldn’t call it funny

Me: You know what I mean.

Nell: I’m afraid this is what the weather is going to look like from now on.

Me: You’re probably right.

Nell: Did you sleep any better?

Me: I did, but I had one of those horrible dreams of trying to get somewhere because you’re late and constantly taking a wrong turn and finding yourself further away again.

Nell: Nasty.

Me: Yes, I reached a point where I said to myself ‘This is a dream and I’m getting out of it’.

Nell: And did you?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Good for you. You’re probably just worried about your tooth and are still not quite well.

Me: Talking of teeth, I want to say a big thank you to you all for your wise advice and support. It honestly helps a lot.

Nell: I know it does.

Me: It’s like having a whole bunch of loving, sensible friends who keep you grounded and look after you.

Nell: Are you talking about me?

Me: No. I’m talking about the people who read our conversations and comment. Our online friends.

Nell: What about me?

Me: You’re my souldog, Nell. It goes without saying.

Nell: I think a little ‘Saying’ might be appropriate.

Me: Fine. Thank you. Knowing you’re still there for me and talking to you every day means everything.

Nell: Alright. Don’t go on about it.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: Is David watching the Bus Stop?

Me: No. He’s actually been looking out for Storm Austen. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Has it arrived yet?

Me: Yes. It’s extremely wet and windy out there. I’m hoping no trees are down.

Nell: And I’m hoping the sea is behaving.

Me: My mother used to love a wild sea. She would often take us down there to watch the waves when we were children.

Nell: Don’t even think of going down to the sea today. The Weather Guardians have issued warnings.

Me: I bet it looks magnificent, though.

Nell: It’s far too stormy for you to risk.

Me: I’m not going anywhere, Nell. I had another bad night.

Nell: Was it your earache?

Me: Amongst other things. I’m afraid I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself.

Nell: Why?

Me: I’ve got to have my wisdom tooth out next Thursday and I’m dreading it.

Nell: If it needs to go, it needs to go.

Me: The dentist says it does.

Nell: You’ll feel much better when it’s gone.

Me: I hope so.

Nell: David and Harriet will look after you. David’s bedside manner is excellent and Harriet is such a thoughtful girl.

Me: I wish you were here, Nell. You were always the one to organise everything.

Nell: I’ll still be doing that. Don’t you worry.

Me: I wish I didn’t.

Nell: What are your plans for the weekend?

Me: Charlotte and Nigel are visiting and we thought we might order an Indian takeaway.

Nell: Dogs don’t like spice.

Me: It’s not for the dogs. Charlotte and I love Indian food.

Nell: We’re having steak and chips. Poppy managed to get her paws on a T-bone.

Me: How?

Nell: She plays poker with our butcher and won.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Me: Harriet’s in a snuggly mood today.

Nell: I can see she is.

Me: She slept right next to me on the bed and now she wants cuddles from Kev.

Nell: Everyone needs a Snuggle now and again. Especially on a Thursday.

Me: Why Thursday?

Nell: It’s an odd sort of Bridesmaid Day. Not quite the weekend and not quite the week.

Me: What nonsense, Nell. You’ve just made that up.

Nell: That’s rich coming from you.

Me: There’s nothing wrong with Thursday, except this one. Maybe.

Nell: You sound like you’re in need of a snuggle.

Me: I’m fine.

Nell: No, you aren’t. I can tell. What’s wrong?

Me: It’s silly.

Nell; Is it because you haven’t received an invitation to the Beefy Halloween Ball?

Me: No. I don’t want to go and Kev isn’t going either. He says Nigel can take Dorothy.

Nell: What is it then?

Me: If you must know, I’ve got an appointment with the dentist and hygienist this afternoon.

Nell: Oh, I see.

Me: I know I shouldn’t make a fuss but I don’t like dentists.

Nell: Nobody does.

Me: Kev says I shouldn’t be going to the dentist until my earache has completely gone and it’s only going to make it worse.

Nell: He’s probably right.

Me: But I don’t want to miss my appointment.

Nell: Fair enough. If I were you I would tell them you’re not feeling completely well and then I’m sure they will be particularly gentle with you.

Me: Do you think so?

Nell: Of course, and getting your teeth cleaned might actually help in the long run.

Me: It might do.

Nell: You’re most definitely the one in need of a Thursday Snuggle.

Me: You’re probably right.

Nell: Go and find Kev, you silly sausage.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: What has David got on his nose?

Me: Mashed potato.

Nell: Mashed potato?

Me: He was allowed to lick the bowl.

Nell: It’s unacceptable.

Me: I don’t think a little bit of mashed potato will do him any harm.

Nell: You need to wipe his nose.

Me: Do I?

Nell: He’s a handsome pedigree Labrador. He can’t go walking around with potato on his nose. Have you read the Daily Growl yet?

Me: No. Rupert isn’t back from Canada. Was there more news about the Beefy Halloween Ball?

Nell: Yes. Lady Baba is performing and The Big Cat Vibes.

Me: Really?

Nell: There will also be line dancing with Gladys and the Llamas.

Me: Why didn’t they tell me?

Nell: You might not be invited.

Me: I’m not sure I want to go, anyway.

Nell: Kev’s definitely going.

Me: How do you know that?

Nell: He’s Nigel’s Plus One.

Me: He is not. If he’s anyone’s Plus One, he’s mine.

Nell: Not if Nigel asked him first.

Me: Won’t Nigel be going with Charlotte?

Nell: Charlotte’s away that weekend visiting friends.

Me: Oh yes. What about Xav the Cat?

Nell: He’s already spoken for.

Me: You mean Xav the Cat has an invitation?

Nell: He’s The Cat’s Plus One.

Me: What?

Nell: They’re good friends.

Me: Are they?

Nell: Yes. The Cat took a shine to him at one of My Friend Dorothy’s lunches.

Me: Dorothy’s lunch?

Nell: You know Dorothy and The Cat lunch. They’ve been doing it for years.

Me: I knew you lunched but I didn’t know Nigel and Xav did.

Nell: Nigel and Dorothy have had an on-off relationship for quite some time.

Me: I thought it was only back when he was known as Naughty Nigel.

Nell: Nigel is still naughty.

Me: Right. Sorry.

Nell: Autumn has well and truly arrived.

Me: It has. Harriet blends into the background with her conker- brown coat, doesn’t she?

Nell: What is David doing?

Me: Looking for deer, or squirrels, or cows, I expect.

Nell: Autumn is the best time of year for squirrels.

Me: You were never really bothered about squirrels.

Nell: I can take them, or leave them.

Me: Poppy couldn’t stand them.

Nell: She still can’t. She’s not that keen on fluffy tails.

Me: I think they’re rather sweet.

Nell: You would. Now, have you read the Daily Growl today?

Me: No. Have you?

Nell: Of course.

Me: Do you mean to say you can get the Daily Growl up there?

Nell: Yes. We have everything. I’ve told you that before.

Me: Extraordinary.

Nell: We’re a little overrun with reporters at the moment, to be frank. I seem to see Jack Russell terriers everywhere in flat caps with pencils behind their ears.

Me: I wonder why?

Nell: No idea. Now, have you read the front page?

Me: I haven’t read it at all, Nell. Nobody is delivering the papers since Rupert went away.

Nell: So you don’t know about The Beefy Bash?

Me: No. Is someone beating Beefies? I’m not very fond of them but I’d never condone violence.

Nell: What are you talking about? Stephen Seagull is organising a huge Halloween party at the Stately Home.

Me: Is he?

Nell: Yes, it’s going to be a masked ball and he seems to be pulling out all the stops.

Me: Gosh. I’m surprised The Cat didn’t tell us.

Nell: I don’t think anyone knew about it until today. It’s a Daily Growl exclusive by reporter Lionel King.

Me: Lionel King is working for the Daily Growl?

Nell: That’s not the point.

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: Look at my darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. Isn’t he adorable?

Nell: David is simply eating a carrot.

Me: Yes, but look at the way he’s holding it in his little paws.

Nell: David doesn’t have little paws.

Me: They’re much smaller than a tiger’s, or a lion’s.

Nell: Of course they are. David is a pedigree Labrador not a Giant Cat.

Me: And he’s a very good boy making sure he has his five a day.

Nell: Five a day?

Me: Fruit and vegetables. We all need to eat at least five a day.

Nell: The rate David is eating it will be five an hour.

Me: I know. Bless him.

Nell: Talking of lions.

Me: Were we?

Nell: Yes. Have you seen Lionel King recently?

Me: Mrs King said he came to take Roary over to Burgh Island at the weekend.

Nell: Does he still have his boat?

Me: He must do, unless they took the sea tractor, although I’m not sure it takes lions. Or they could have walked there, I suppose, if the tide was out.

Nell: Have you quite finished? You do ramble on.

Me: Anyway, they spent a pleasant day together.

Nell: I’m glad. What about Rupert?

Me: He’s in Canada, Nell. He can’t go to Burgh Island at the moment.

Nell: I know. I just wondered if you’d heard from him.

Me: Somebody said they thought he’d be back for Halloween.

Nell: Somebody?

Me: It must have been Myfanwy at Sunday Songs.

Nell: So, they’re in touch?

Me: Only by iBone. He’s in Canada, Nell.

Nell: Very funny.

Me: I try.

Nell: You look tired.

Me: The earache is back.

Nell: No swimming today.

Me: I know. Charlotte and Kev already told me.

Nell: And I’m telling you, too.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Nigel looks happy.

Me: We all are. It’s Sunday, Charlotte is feeling a lot better and the sun is shining.

Nell: Good to hear.

Me: Nigel also had a boiled egg and toast before Sunday Songs and he knows there will be roast beef for lunch.

Nell: With Yorkshire puddings and lots of gravy?

Me: Yes. Large ones.

Nell: Large ones?

Me: We thought we’d give it a try.

Nell: Give it a try?

Me: We can cut them up.

Nell: Poppy’s not going to believe this. Yorkshire puddings are meant to be small with a crispy exterior and a light, soft centre.

Me: They don’t have to be small.

Nell: They do.

Me: Large ones used to be eaten at the start of a meal with onion gravy so there wouldn’t be a need for too much roast beef later.

Nell: There’s always a need for roast beef.

Me: It’s very expensive, Nell.

Nell: Did you say ‘onion gravy’?

Me: Yes.

Nell: I’ve heard it all now. Dogs cannot eat onions.

Me: Don’t worry. We’re having proper gravy.

Nell: Nigel won’t be smiling if all he’s getting is a dry Yorkshire pudding.

Me: He probably would be smiling. You labs will eat anything.

Nell: I beg your pardon? We aren’t all like David. I have an extremely sophisticated palate.

Me: Do you?

Nell: Yes. I’ve been watching Saturday Kitchen for years.

Me: Anyway, it’s a moot point because everyone is having roast beef with lots of fresh vegetables and gravy and not an onion in sight, although I do enjoy a roasted onion.

Nell: And giant Yorkshire puddings.

Me: I actually prefer the small ones.

Nell: I give up.

Me: Just saying.

Nell: I’m not talking to you about Yorkshire puddings, or onions, anymore. It’s exhausting.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: What’s Nigel doing?

Me: He’s insisting Kev strokes him. All the time.

Nell: That’s a little forward of him.

Me: He likes attention.

Nell: Did he have his nails clipped?

Me: Yes, and he was quite a good boy.

Nell: Quite?

Me: There might have been some Unnecessary Barking in the waiting room.

Nell: Unnecessary Barking is rude.

Me: I tell Dave and Harriet that all the time.

Nell: David and Harriet only engage in Necessary Barking.

Me: They do not. They’re constantly barking at delivery people.

Nell: Delivery people must be made aware that dogs live in the house and occupants of said house must be made aware that a delivery has arrived.

Me: By barking?

Nell: Yes.

Me: It drives me mad.

Nell: You need to listen more.

Me: Sometimes I think they’d bark at a leaf falling.

Nell: Now that would be Unnecessary Barking.

Me: Anyway, there’s too much of it.

Nell: Did Nigel and Kev go to the pub for a pint?

Me: Yes. Kev wasn’t sure he wanted to go but Nigel insisted.

Nell: Nigel’s doing a lot of insisting at the moment.

Me: He’s had a rough time.

Nell: I’m not sure Having a Rough Time excuses telling everyone what to do.

Me: You do.

Nell: You love it.

Me: I do.

Nell: Why are you making that face?

Me: I’ve got awful earache, Nell.

Nell: Is this a joke?

Me: No, I’m serious.

Nell: You’re not going to tell me it was brought on by Unnecessary Barking?

Me: No, it started in the night. Nobody was barking then.

Nell: Have you taken something?

Me: Yes, but it still hurts.

Nell: Go and get a hot water bottle right now and place it over your ear. Must I tell you everything?

Me: Sorry.

Me: Cheeky Animal.

Nell: You caught Harriet.

Me: I’m getting better at it.

Nell: You look tired this morning.

Me: I had my flu jab yesterday so I didn’t sleep very well.

Nell: Never mind. You’ll sleep tonight and it’s good that you’re vaccinated now.

Me: It is. Flu is nasty. Especially for us oldies.

Nell: Less of the old, please.

Me: I’m feeling a bit old.

Nell: Nothing a nice cup of Earl Grey and a slice of hot buttered toast won’t fix. Talking of food, how was your Spaghetti Carbonara? I forgot to ask.

Me: Delicious, but we had to ask for more like Oliver Twist as there wasn’t enough.

Nell: From Stanley?

Me: No. Malcolm and Manuel made a Seafood Linguine.

Nell: Malcolm’s excellent at shelling prawns.

Me: Yes, and the shells are good for his feathers. It’s important for a flamingo to maintain its pinkness.

Nell: True.

Me: Imagine if we all turned the colour of the food we ate.

Nell: Don’t be silly. You’d be changing colour every few minutes.

Me: I would.

Nell: So, what are your plans for the weekend?

Me: Charlotte and Nigel are visiting us.

Nell: Good. How is she?

Me: Very tired but doing better. Thank goodness.

Nell: Nigel will be relieved.

Me: Yes. Kev’s taking him to the vet’s this afternoon to have his toenails clipped.

Nell: Does he mind?

Me: No. Kev’s happy to take Nigel anywhere.

Nell: I meant Nigel. Not every animal likes people messing with their paws.

Me: You didn’t.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: I’m sure Nigel will be fine. He can have an extra portion of Lasagne for his tea.

Nell: You’re not eating pasta again, are you?

Me: You said pasta is perfect for this time of year.

Nell: Not every day.

Me: Sorry.

Me: Dave’s been behaving oddly recently.

Nell: Too much pasta?

Me: No, it isn’t anything he’s eaten. We even took him to the vets.

Nell: Why did you do that?

Me: Because he wasn’t himself, Nell. We wanted to make sure there was nothing wrong.

Nell: And is there?

Me: No. He still weighs 50 kilos. His bloods are fine and all his bits and bobs are in perfect working order.

Nell: I didn’t need to know that.

Me: It’s a great relief.

Nell: Is it?

Me: Yes. He was very well-behaved during all the examinations and accepted small treats gratefully.

Nell: Of course.

Me: Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: So what’s wrong?

Me: We thinks it’s the young deer. He can smell them on his walk.

Nell: Oh, I see.

Me: He was on the search again yesterday, and so was Harriet, but it doesn’t bother her as much.

Nell: You know it probably wasn’t the deer at all.

Me: Why?

Nell: It’s far more likely to be a lady dog on heat. There are so many dogs in your village and lots of them go on your walk.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: And David is like this every year.

Me: Is he?

Nell: Yes. Several times a year, in fact. And you always forget.

Me: I do, don’t I? Deer, oh deer.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: See what I did there?

Nell: Yes, very droll.

Me: At least he’s had a full MOT and we know he’s absolutely fine.

Nell: The poor animal has been poked and prodded and you say he’s fine.

Me: He didn’t mind at all.

Nell: He was publicly weighed and his weight was discussed openly.

Me: I know.

Nell: Would you like that?

Me: No.

Nell: I rest my case.

Me: Sorry.