Nell: Is that Nigel as a puppy?

Me: It was taken just after Charlotte rescued him. Wasn’t he adorable?

Nell: I suppose so. Why is he looking through a chair?

Me: He was practising his poem at the weekend while watching us eat.

Nell: What poem?

Me: It’s Charlotte’s birthday today and Nigel wrote her a poem.

Nell: I write the poems.

Me: I know.

Nell: I’m the poet, not Nigel.

Me: Well, this time it’s Nigel’s turn. Do you want to hear it?

Nell: Not really.

Me: I’m reading it anyway:

‘My name is Nigel

And I want to say

That my darling Barl

Has a birthday today.

I know her name’s Charlotte

But those in the know

Always call her Barley

Like Sara and co.

And as her dear Nigel

I’m as proud as can be

To call her my Barl

And say Happy Birthdee.

My poem’s not perfect

Or even that clever

But it comes with my love

For ever and ever.’

Nell: Does ‘co’ refer to me?

Me: And Kev and Dave and Harriet.

Nell: At least he tried.

Me: It was sweet.

Nell: It was heartfelt which is something.

Me: Barl’s going to love it.

Nell: Of course she is. I notice Xav the Cat didn’t write a poem.

Me: I don’t think poems are something cats bother with much.

Nell: Cats don’t bother with anything apart from themselves

Me: That’s a bit harsh, Nell.

Nell: Talking of cats, did David warn The Cat about the Beefies gathering?

Me: It wasn’t best pleased.

Nell: I told you he shouldn’t go over there so early in the morning.

Me: I meant about the Beefies.

Nell: I hope you have cake.

Me: For The Cat?

Nell: No. For your sister. It’s her birthday.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Me: Do you know the playground game ‘What’s The Time, Mr Wolf?’ where you have to creep towards the wolf until he shouts ‘Dinner Time’ and chases you?

Nell: No, it sounds dreadful.

Me: It was great fun. I can remember the excitement of it.

Nell: Rupert isn’t going to like the name of that game so don’t ask him to play it.

Me: I never really think of Knitwear Wolf as a wolf.

Nell: Well, he is.

Me: I know but he’s usually wearing a soft cardigan and seems extremely huggable.

Nell: Leave him alone. How is he doing, by the way?

Me: He’s still a little subdued but he’s back to delivering the newspapers and woollens.

Nell: That’s good to hear. I was worried about him. Why are you talking about playground games again?

Me: I think Dave and Harriet were playing games on their walk. Harriet was watching Dave but when he looked around she turned away.

Nell: Was David a wolf?

Me: No. He was just himself sitting in a field.

Nell: Was there any mention of ‘time’?

Me: Nobody said anything. It was actually still and quiet.

Nell: So the game was all in your head?

Me: It might have been.

Nell: It usually is.

Me: Yes.

Nell: You have far too much imagination for your own good.

Me: I don’t think that’s possible.

Nell: It depends on how you use it.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: If it’s for fun and positive things then I’m all for it but it becomes less useful when you start worrying about things that might never happen.

Me: I do tend to catastrophise at times.

Nell: I know you do.

Me: Imagining the Puppies playing games isn’t catastrophising.

Nell: I didn’t say it was.

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: The Puppies were playing Hide and Seek on our walk. It was the sweetest thing.

Nell: It looks like Harriet did most of the hiding.

Me: Yes, Dave just watched.

Nell: It’s another sunny day today but the weather is going to change so expect cloud and possibly rain tomorrow.

Me: Talking to you is like having my own personal weather report.

Nell: I like to keep informed and the Weather Guardians are happy to oblige.

Me: I appreciate it.

Nell: There’s also very high grass pollen at the moment so take that into account if you feel a little wheezy.

Me: That’s why I keep sneezing.

Nell: It’s Hay Fever season.

Me: And we’re right in the middle of the countryside.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: Henry and Horst came home last night.

Nell: Why didn’t you tell me that before?

Me: I got involved in the weather.

Nell: How did they get home?

Me: They managed to HatHike on a sombrero.

Nell: How fortunate to meet a Mexican.

Me: It was actually a Beefy.

Nell: Henry and Horst travelled home on a large-brimmed hat worn by a criminal seagull?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Sounds plausible.

Me: Not all Beefies are criminals, by the way.

Nell: Was this one?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Do you know why they went away?

Me: They said it was a holiday but as soon as they got back they went into a Zoom meeting with Sally and Harriet.

Nell: Interesting.

Me: The Beefies have been gathering all morning so we think there might be some kind of meeting at Stephen Seagull’s apartment at the Stately Home.

Nell: You should alert The Cat.

Me: Dave’s gone over there now.

Nell: Now is far too early. The Cat is never seen until after ten.

Me: Needs must. Sorry.

Nell: Why does Harriet look sad?

Me: She’s not sad. She’s listening out for bacon.

Nell: You can’t listen to bacon.

Me: You can. It has a sizzly sort of sound.

Nell: Bacon is all about smell and taste.

Me: Fine. Let’s just agree it’s not sadness, it’s bacon.

Nell: It’s Sunday so it had better be.

Me: Exactly.

Nell: The Weather Guardians tell me you’re due for another sunny day.

Me: We are. How about you?

Nell: It’s sunshine all the way up here.

Me: I like to think of you in the sunshine.

Nell: It’s birthday week so what are your plans?

Me: Birthday week?

Nell: Your sister Charlotte has a birthday on Wednesday and David and Harriet have a birthday on Friday.

Me: Well, obviously there will be cake.

Nell: The Puppies have to have a party.

Me: Maybe they’d prefer afternoon tea? They’re going to be nine.

Nell: What’s age got to do with anything?

Me: True.

Nell: You should have both.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: I usually am. I hope you’re having a Sunday roast and not some ridiculous salad.

Me: Salads are lovely in hot weather.

Nell: I don’t believe it.

Me: Herr Hoffmann’s taking Frau Hoffmann out for lunch by the sea.

Nell: To the Cottage Hotel?

Me: Yes.

Nell: I’m not sure they allow bears in the dining room.

Me: They’re going to sit outside.

Nell: Is Sunday Songs outside today?

Me: Yes. It’s at the Recreation Ground.

Nell: Don’t forget to wear a hat.

Me: I won’t. We’re celebrating summer so I’m expecting lots of hats.

Nell: The Welsh Corgi Choir aren’t dressing as flowers again, are they?

Me: I hope so. If I was a flower I’d like to be a daisy.

Nell: Don’t even think about it.

Me: Sorry.

Me: How are you this sunny Saturday?

Nell: Enjoying a cup of Earl Grey tea with Mutley in the garden. I know why Nigel’s hiding behind the door.

Me: Why?

Nell: He’s ashamed to be best friends with a cat.

Me: No. He’s just trying to keep an eye on everything and there’s nothing wrong with having Xav the Cat as his best friend.

Nell: It’s a cat.

Me: They love each other, Nell, and I think it’s wonderful to see them cuddling up together.

Nell: Cuddling a cat. Whatever next?

Me: I love cuddling cats. They have soft fur.

Nell: Don’t let David hear that.

Me: I don’t do it when Dave and Harriet are there.

Nell: Good.

Me: You and The Cat were friends.

Nell: The Cat is different.

Me: You’re telling me. It was wearing sparkling Wellington boots the other day.

Nell: The Cat was wearing Wellington boots?

Me: It was raining.

Nell: Cats don’t like rain.

Me: It was meeting Dorothy.

Nell: My friend Dorothy?

Me: Yes. I think they were going to search for Henry and Horst.

Nell: Any news on that front?

Me: Only a ‘Wish You Were Here’ postcard from the seaside.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: People used to send postcards to loved ones saying ‘wish you were here’.

Nell: I know that.

Me: Typical of Henry and Horst to go retro.

Nell: Never mind the retro part. Wish you were where?

Me: Oh, I see. I’m not absolutely sure where. There were two deckchairs on the beach so they’re obviously having fun.

Nell: Were there two woodlice on the chairs?

Me: They’re far too small to see, Nell.

Nell: I was joking. I don’t think they make postcards with woodlice on them.

Me: No, of course not. Silly me. Sorry.

Nell: How was the visit to your mother’s grave?

Me: Extremely healing, to be honest. The weather was awful but it didn’t matter at all.

Nell: The Weather Guardians told me it should improve this weekend.

Me: The church is at the top of the hill overlooking beautiful countryside and the rain and mist only added to it all.

Nell: If you say so. It looks cold to me. Especially for June.

Me: I talked to my mother for a while, said a little prayer in the church and then Kev and I took Dave and Harriet for a walk.

Nell: I remember going there with you several times.

Me: You usually went with me, didn’t you?

Nell: I did.

Me: Do you remember when we first scattered her ashes there with the family and all went to lunch at the country hotel nearby afterwards?

Nell: I do. There was a lovely open fire and comfortable sofas, as I recall.

Me: We were having lunch in the private dining room when I suddenly realised you had gone.

Nell: It was far too noisy in there.

Me: You were next door in the lounge sleeping on one of the sofas in front of the fire.

Nell: It was most comfortable.

Me: The manager asked you to get off but you refused.

Nell: Sofas are to be sat upon.

Me: By the guests.

Nell: I was a guest.

Me: It’s actually one of our favourite memories. Kev and I talked about it yesterday. You were such a character.

Nell: I still am, thank you very much.

Me: I’m glad Dave and Harriet came with me this time.

Nell: So am I.

Me: Nigel went with Charlotte earlier that day.

Nell: Of course he did. It’s what we dogs do.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: There’s your mother in her garden with Seamus and baby Nigel.

Me: It’s a lovely photo, isn’t it? Can you believe it’s nine years today since she died?

Nell: A sad day.

Me: I remember it was a Sunday and a sunny day. As I drove home from the hospice I looked up at the sky and hoped she was safe and no longer in such pain.

Nell: She was and is. She’s with her beloved husband John and your little sister Alex and they are all watching over you.

Me: Yes.

Nell: I know this is always a difficult day for you so try and take things easy, please.

Me: This year is the first time I’m facing it without you by my side.

Nell: I’m always by your side.

Me: It’s different now. I can’t cuddle you.

Nell: I never particularly liked cuddles.

Me: You know what I mean.

Nell: David and Harriet are there and Kev gives the best hugs.

Me: He does.

Nell: What are your plans today?

Me: We’re going to put some flowers on my mother’s grave and then go for a walk with Dave and Harriet.

Nell: Poppy says your mother would want you to have a cream tea.

Me: She probably would.

Nell: And a glass of champagne.

Me: Maybe at the weekend when Charlotte is visiting us.

Nell: It’s her birthday next Wednesday, isn’t it?

Me: Yes, so we might have a pre-birthday celebration as we won’t see her on her actual birthday.

Nell: Good idea. You can toast your mother then.

Me: I still miss her so much, Nell.

Nell: I know you do. It doesn’t matter how old you are. Your mother is your mother and tears show your love.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: No sorries. Not today.

Me: The many faces of Dave.

Nell: Are you still thinking about that dream?

Me: It was so real.

Nell: David is fine. Any news on Henry and Horst?

Me: You’re not going to believe this.

Nell: I might.

Me: Dave received a voice note from them on his iBone.

Nell: Well, that’s a relief.

Me: Sent several days ago.

Nell: Why didn’t he pick it up before now?

Me: He listened to it but he thought it was empty.

Nell: But David has keen ears.

Me: To be fair they are softly spoken.

Nell: What did it say?

Me: They’ve gone away for a while.

Nell: We know that. Why?

Me: They didn’t say.

Nell: Where?

Me: They didn’t say that either.

Nell: Well, that’s most unhelpful.

Me: At least we know they weren’t taken by force.

Nell: Unless someone made them send it.

Me: Don’t say that.

Nell: Have you listened to it?

Me: Yes. I couldn’t hear a thing apart from rustling.

Nell: Maybe you should ask for a transcription?

Me: According to Dave it was literally just ‘This is Henry and Horst. We’ve gone away for a while’.

Nell: It all sounds rather fishy to me. When you say ‘rustling’ what do you mean?

Me: Like grass in the wind.

Nell: Or feathers?

Me: Woodlice don’t have feathers.

Nell: No, but seagulls do.

Me: Do you think the Beefies are involved?

Nell: It’s coming up to peak Grockle season.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Beefy thieving is at its height.

Me: I know.

Nell: Henry and Horst are working with Sally and her team to try and stop them.

Me: But how much can a woodlouse actually do?

Nell: Henry and Horst are trained operatives. They have years of experience in the surveillance field.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Nell: You look terrible.

Me: I had a horrible dream that Dave slipped his lead and ran away.

Nell: That’s because Henry and Horst have gone missing.

Me: We were staying in a big city like Toronto and I was calling and calling for him but he’d gone.

Nell: It was just a dream.

Me: I went to the police and asked them to look out for a giant black Labrador.

Nell: Can I stop you right there, please? As you can see, David is fine. He’s looking up the stairs in a concerned way because he knows you’re worrying about him.

Me: No, he’s looking at Harriet because she won’t come downstairs.

Nell: Why not?

Me: I don’t like to say it, but sometimes Harriet can be a little bit of an Attention Seeker.

Nell: Surely not?

Me: I think she might get that from you.

Nell: From me?

Me: You always liked to be the centre of attention.

Nell: Nonsense. I demand attention when I need it which is something entirely different. Why were you and David in Toronto?

Me: I think it was because I was talking to Chris last night. Poor little Marvin has a bad ear infection and had to go to the vets so I was worried about him.

Nell: I see. Well, it obviously all came together in one horrible dream but that’s all it was.

Me: Yes. When I woke up I still felt upset and called out for Dave immediately.

Nell: And did he come running to you?

Me: He didn’t need to. He was asleep right next to my bed like he always is. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. We had a wonderful cuddle.

Nell: We’re going to find Henry and Horst. Don’t you worry about that.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: It’s nice to see David smiling.

Me: He’s always happy when he’s out on a walk.

Nell: How was Sunday Songs?

Me: There were an awful lot of hats.

Nell: Any sign of Henry and Horst?

Me: No. The Welsh Corgi Choir were all wearing Sou’wester rain hats so a woodlouse couldn’t hide on there.

Nell: Why not?

Me: Too slippery.

Nell: Why would Henry and Horst be hiding?

Me: Woodlice are always hiding.

Nell: Not when they want to be found.

Me: We don’t know they want to be found.

Nell: I suppose they could be on a mission.

Me: We’ve had sightings elsewhere.

Nell: Why didn’t you say that before? Where?

Me: An elderly pug is certain he saw two woodlice HatHiking near the bus station a few days ago but then he thought David was a small pony so I’m not sure he’s that reliable.

Nell: HatHiking?

Me: Getting a lift on a hat. Apparently it’s quite the thing among smaller non-winged creatures.

Nell: Wouldn’t it have been easier to get on a bus?

Me: They need to get up the steps.

Nell: True.

Me: I’m starting to think they might have gone to North Devon to visit their relatives.

Nell: They could have sent a postcard.

Me: Or just left a note.

Nell: Maybe they did and you haven’t found it yet.

Me: It’s probably very small and written on a leaf.

Nell: Didn’t you say Kev was going to mow the garden?

Me: Yes, the grass is really long after all that rain.

Nell: You realise Henry and Horst might simply be stuck in the long grass, don’t you? Has anybody looked properly?

Me: Dave and Harriet had a snoofle and roll.

Nell: You can’t let them roll on the grass.

Me: No. Sorry.