Me: Nigel had A Good Day yesterday.

Nell: Why?

Me: He started the day with two breakfasts.

Nell: Any particular reason?

Me: He ate Harriet’s by mistake.

Nell: Is he turning into David?

Me: No. This was a genuine mistake.

Nell: Was it really, though?

Me: Yes, because Nigel prefers red sauce on his sandwich and it was only when he realised the sauce was brown that he thought it might not be his.

Nell: Did he stop eating it?

Me; No, he’s a Labrador, but he told Herr Hoffmann about it and made sure Harriet had a new sandwich.

Nell: I’m glad to hear it. What else went well for Nigel yesterday?

Me: Before lunch he watched the Bus Stop and after lunch he watched Wimbledon with me and Charlotte and had strawberries and cream.

Nell: Nice.

Me: And in the evening he watched the football with Kev and England won.

Nell: It was exciting, wasn’t it?

Me: It was exhausting. I couldn’t get to sleep until gone 4am.

Nell: Poppy and I were the same. You had better have a quiet day today.

Me: It’s the Men’s Final at 4pm.

Nell: Well, have a nap after your Sunday roast.

Me: We’re not having a roast, Nell. It’s too warm and Herr Hoffmann is tired.

Nell: Being tired isn’t going to stop Poppy from cooking us a roast.

Me: Nothing can stop Poppy.

Nell: True.

Me: We’re having scones with jam and cream when we watch the tennis.

Nell: I hope you’re still going to Sunday Songs.

Me: We are.

Nell: Wearing hats?

Me: Yes.

Nell: And carrying a parasol?

Me: I’m not the parasol type, Nell. It’s a bit My Fair Lady.

Nell: It’s not a fashion statement. It’s to protect you from the sun.

Me: Right. Sorry.

Me: Harriet’s never happier than when she’s in the water.

Nell: I can see that.

Me: Even when she was a tiny puppy she used to love a paddling pool.

Nell: Paddling pools are good for cooling the paws.

Me: Kev’s bought a big one for the grandchildren to play in.

Nell: Good idea.

Me: Merdog Harriet might jump in there, of course.

Nell: And David might drink it.

Me: He does like a good long drink. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: I’m sure Jonathan and Faye will be happy to share the pool.

Me: I’m getting really excited about their visit now.

Nell: I can tell.

Me: Only 2 weeks to go.

Nell: A family visit brings weeks of joy, even before the actual event.

Me: Months in my case.

Nell: Has Kev written the number of days until they arrive on your whiteboard?

Me: Yes. He changes it every day.

Nell: So, what are your plans for this weekend?

Me: Bacon sandwiches and Saturday Kitchen.

Nell: Will you be watching Wimbledon?

Me: Probably.

Nell: And the football? England are playing Norway.

Me: Definitely. David’s wearing his England shirt.

Nell: Are Charlotte and Nigel joining you?

Me: Yes. We’re going to the pub for dinner before the match. The garden is lovely.

Nell: All of you?

Me: Not the dogs.

Nell: Why not?

Me: Nigel can be a little off with other dogs.

Nell: Off?

Me: He’s a rescue dog so he’s falsely brave.

Nell: Falsely brave?

Me: Marvin’s the same. They seem bold but they’re actually not.

Nell: Rescue dogs have a hard start to life.

Me: Mutley had four owners before Kev rescued him.

Nell: Mutley wasn’t falsely brave.

Me: He was a bit, Nell.

Nell: Have you forgotten The Great Mutliano?

Me: You’re right. Sorry.

Me: Look where we went yesterday, Nell.

Nell: You went back to River Beach.

Me: Yes, we did. We were going to go on our usual walk by the river when Kev suggested we go down to the beach instead.

Nell: What a good idea.

Me: Yes. It was after 4pm so not quite so hot and we hadn’t been back there for a really long time.

Nell: I couldn’t manage the walk.

Me: No, it was too far for you.

Nell: It must have been lovely to go there again.

Me: Happy and sad, Nell.

Nell: I understand.

Me: So many memories.

Nell: How is our little island?

Me: Still there.

Nell: And the little boathouse?

Me: Still there, too. It’s all very dry, Nell. You can see how hot it’s been.

Nell: Did Dave and Harriet enjoy their swim?

Me: They absolutely loved it. The water was so clear.

Nell: Was it overrun with Grockles?

Me: Don’t call the tourists Grockles. There were quite a few of them but everyone was having tremendous fun which is all that matters.

Nell: I’m so glad you went back there. It’s a special place.

Me: So am I. We will go again when the family come to visit.

Nell: Yes, you should take a picnic and make a day of it.

Me: We should.

Nell: Poppy suggests sandwiches, cake and a flask of tea.

Me: Good idea. I missed you, Nell.

Nell: I know you did.

Me: You and I would always walk behind the others at our own pace.

Nell: Yes. We would take our time.

Me: But in another way it felt like you were still with me. Walking by my side like you always did.

Nell: I was. I am. You and me. Always. Remember?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Doesn’t Dave look like you in this photo?

Nell: David has a muddy nose.

Me: Never mind that. He’s been snoofling around outside. Look at the similarity.

Nell: David’s my nephew. Of course he looks like me.

Me: I’ve noticed it more, recently. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: We come from a good looking family.

Me: You certainly do. Harriet is a beauty.

Nell: She is. They both seem a little tired.

Me: It’s this hot weather. Everyone’s tired and crotchety.

Nell: Crotchety?

Me: Cantankerous.

Nell: Could you speak English please?

Me: I am. Bad-tempered. Irritable.

Nell: I know you are.

Me: No, that’s what it means.

Nell: It’s no wonder when you go about talking gibberish.

Me: Never mind.

Nell: How are the preparations going?

Me: Preparations?

Nell: Alice and the grandchildren will be visiting you soon.

Me: I know. It’s so exciting.

Nell: Don’t make the beds too early.

Me: I won’t.

Nell: Or dogs will sleep on them.

Me: I don’t know how Nigel is going to cope without his bunk bed.

Nell: He will have to.

Me: Yes, but he won’t like it.

Nell: It’s only for a few weeks.

Me: I hope we have good weather.

Nell: They’ll enjoy themselves whatever the weather. They always do.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: Our chap did rather well at Wimbledon, didn’t he?

Me: He was amazing.

Nell: Mutley and I were cheering him on.

Me: And Poppy?

Nell: She doesn’t have time for tennis.

Me: More of a football fan?

Nell: Too busy baking.

Me: In this weather?

Nell: Heatwaves don’t bother Guardians.

Me: Of course. What’s she baking?

Nell: The other Guardians have discovered her scones and now there’s a huge demand for them.

Me: I miss Poppy’s scones.

Nell: Don’t you start.

Me: Sorry.

Me: Can we talk about horseflies?

Nell: If we must.

Me: Harriet hates them and so do I.

Nell: They’re extremely tiresome creatures.

Me: They bite.

Nell: They certainly do.

Me: They’re good for nothing.

Nell: Actually they’re a major food source for many creatures. Birds, frogs, lizards, and other insects eat them. For example, wasps like the horse guard hunt them to feed their young. 

Me: I can’t stand wasps, either.

Nell: Male horseflies and non-biting females spend most of their time on flowers. Because they are very hairy, they easily carry pollen from bloom to bloom. 

Me: Fine. They have a purpose, but why do they have to bite me so hard?

Nell: Only the females bite. They need the protein for their young.

Me: How come you know so much about them?

Nell: If you must know, Poppy has made friends with a male horsefly.

Me: Why?

Nell: It wants to be a pirate.

Me: I’ve heard it all now. I can’t believe you have horseflies up there.

Nell: Even horseflies need Guardians.

Me: I suppose they do.

Nell: Poppy has quite an eclectic mix of Guardians in her pirate class.

Me: Pirate class? What do they learn?

Nell: Sword fighting, cutlass waving, stealing and looting.

Me: Seriously?

Nell: Not the stealing and looting. If you ask me it’s just any old excuse to wear a pirate’s hat.

Me: Fair enough.

Nell: Anyway, Poppy and Marcus have really hit it off.

Me: Marcus? The horsefly is called Marcus?

Nell: Why not?

Me: I imagined it being called Dracula.

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. It’s not a bat.

Me: I hope Marcus hasn’t tried to bite Poppy.

Nell: He wouldn’t dare and it’s the females who bite.

Me: Oh yes, I forgot.

Nell: Conversations involve listening.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: David looks a little disgruntled.

Me: He’s finding it difficult to accept the heatwave and the very high pollen count.

Nell: Aren’t we all?

Me: Don’t tell me you have a heatwave up there?

Nell: Not exactly.

Me: Or a high pollen count?

Nell: We might have, but it doesn’t affect us.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: We have everything nice and nothing nasty.

Me: I’m very glad to hear it.

Nell: There are seagulls up here, but no Beefies.

Me: They’ve probably all gone down there.

Nell: Droll. Guardians relinquish any Badness and make a fresh start.

Me: How’s Poppy doing with that?

Nell: Badly. The pirate instinct has not left her, I’m afraid.

Me: Did you know pirates wore eye patches not because they’d injured an eye but because they had to go below deck in the dark and having an eye patch meant one eye was always used to darkness and could see?

Nell: I’m not telling her that. The sword and hat are bad enough.

Me: It also explains why they swapped sides.

Nell: Have you quite finished?

Me: I thought it was interesting.

Nell: Could we get back to David, please?

Me: He wants to go out and he can’t until the early evening when it’s cooler.

Nell: Quite right.

Me: He says Rupert goes out.

Nell: Rupert’s a grown wolf with a business to run.

Me: Dave’s a grown Labrador, to be fair, and Rupert is mainly delivering popsicles to dehydrated seagulls.

Nell: I hope they’re paying him.

Me: Only in devotion. He’s quite the Beefy Hero nowadays.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: They all shout ‘Pops’ when they see him.

Nell: It’s better than ‘Me’ I suppose.

Me: It’s actually rather sweet.

Nell: It’s about ice lollies, not Rupert.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Look at darling Nigel sitting next to the lavender. He loves the smell of it.

Nell: So do I.

Me: Same here, but I don’t like it in food.

Nell: Don’t put it in food then.

Me: Some people do.

Nell: Well, they shouldn’t. You look dreadful, by the way. Did you have a bad night?

Me: I woke up around 2:45am and started following the England v Mexico football match.

Nell: Why on earth did you do that?

Me: I had to know what was happening and it was so exciting.

Nell: It was the middle of the night. You’re a grandmother. You need your sleep.

Me: We won!

Nell: I know that, thank you very much. Poppy has been walking around draped in an England flag all morning.

Me: Did she watch the match?

Nell: Of course, and so did Mutley. He’s fast asleep now.

Me: I didn’t get back to sleep until 5am and now I’m awake again.

Nell: You must be very tired.

Me: I am.

Nell: Go back to sleep now.

Me: I can’t.

Nell: I’m guessing you’re definitely not going to be the only one who is tired today.

Me: No. I think there are going to be a lot of us.

Nell: You might have to have an easy day.

Me: I’ll probably have a nap this afternoon.

Nell: Did Dave and Harriet watch the match too?

Me: No, they were fast asleep.

Nell: Sensible animals. No, I do not want a scone.

Me: I didn’t offer you one.

Nell: I’m talking to Poppy. She’s made red and white England scones with jam and cream.

Me: What a good idea.

Nell: That’s not the point. Scones are for afternoon tea. It’s breakfast time. Toast and marmalade is quite sufficient.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: So, how did it go at the Village Fun Day?

Me: It was quite eventful.

Nell: Did David win Most Handsome Hound?

Me: No, but he and Harriet were runners-up in three classes with Highly Commended.

Nell: Runners-up?

Me: Yes, second place.

Nell: I know what it means. Which classes?

Me: Harriet was second in a particularly keenly fought class for The Waggiest Tail.

Nell: She likes wagging her tail.

Me: Dave came second in The Cheekiest Dog and lost out to a very tiny whippet for The Dog The Judges Would Most Like To Take Home.

Nell: What did David do that was cheeky?

Me: I’d prefer not to say.

Nell: Tell me now.

Me: He cocked his leg as he was walking around.

Nell: Typical boy.

Me: The audience loved it.

Nell: Was he disappointed to lose?

Me: Not at all. He enjoyed the attention.

Nell: And Harriet?

Me: She didn’t like it very much. I think she prefers anonymity.

Nell: She’s a spy. They like to keep in the shadows.

Me: True.

Nell: Did Rupert receive his award?

Me: Yes, and the Beefy Choir sang ‘For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow’.

Nell; That sounds dreadful.

Me: It did, but they meant well.

Nell: Is the Welsh Corgi Choir still singing today?

Me: Yes. Sunday Songs must go on.

Nell: I hope there was cake yesterday.

Me: Yes, I bought a delicious homemade coffee and walnut cake for everyone to share.

Nell: Don’t let the llamas near the coffee. They’re excitable enough already.

Me: Anyway, today is a day of rest. Salad for lunch, Wimbledon, and an early evening walk.

Nell: Poppy has Wimbledon on while she cooks.

Me: Does she have a television in the kitchen?

Nell: No. On Guardian Radio. Do keep up.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: Nigel looks overexcited.

Me: It’s Saturday.

Nell: It’s Saturday every weekend.

Me: And we’re going to the Village Fun Day at the primary school.

Nell: I know. You told me.

Me: Gladys and the Llamas are Gliding.

Nell: Yes, and the Welsh Corgi Choir are singing.

Me: And Knitwear Wolf is getting an OBE from Stephen Seagull.

Nell: I don’t approve of that at all.

Me: But Rupert’s wearing a top hat, Nell, and he looks awfully handsome.

Nell: He shouldn’t be accepting an award from the Beefies.

Me: He’s going to be their special envoy. Seagulls all over the world will know he is a friend.

Nell: Which is exactly why he shouldn’t accept it. You can’t be friends with a Beefy.

Me: Rupert can.

Nell: He’s going to regret this. Mark my paws.

Me: Anyway, I haven’t even told you the biggest news yet.

Nell: I can’t wait.

Me: Dave’s been asked to take part in the Dog Show.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: One of our neighbours said he must enter for the Handsomest Hound.

Nell: David is indeed handsome but this will all end in tears.

Me: Why?

Nell: Remember the Dog Show in 2018?

Me: Yes, Dave won a rosette.

Nell: He entered almost every class.

Me: I know. His rosette said ‘Well Done’ and we had a photo taken with the judges.

Nell: He didn’t win any of them.

Me: It didn’t matter. He had fun and everyone loved him.

Nell: I see.

Me: Sometimes it isn’t about winning, Nell. It’s about taking part.

Nell: You’re right.

Me: I am, sometimes. Doesn’t Dave look young in that photo? He was only one and now he’s nine.

Nell: Age is just a number. David will always be your Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: The lovely thing about summer is how long it stays light.

Nell: Yes, sunset walks are particularly enjoyable.

Me: Dave and Harriet certainly enjoy them.

Nell: So, what are your plans for the weekend?

Me: Well, it’s the Village Fun Day up at the primary school tomorrow so we’re all going to that.

Nell: Will Gladys and the llamas be performing?

Me: Yes. An interpretive dance and some Gliding.

Nell: And the Welsh Corgi Choir?

Me: They’ll be singing for most of the afternoon.

Nell: With the Whippets Institute Big Band?

Me: Yes, and unfortunately the Beefy Choir.

Nell: Oh dear. Couldn’t they be stopped?

Me: Stephen Seagull told Rupert they were so grateful for the life-saving popsicles they wanted to give something back.

Nell: Screeching their way through a few songs is not giving something back and life-saving popsicles is a little over the top.

Me: I think they really do appreciate Rupert’s kindness, Nell. He’s become quite a hero in the seagull community.

Nell: Rupert’s a hero in any community.

Me: There’s even talk of him receiving an OBE.

Nell: Officer of the Order of the British Empire? From the King?

Me: No. Onourable Beefy Envoy from Stephen Seagull.

Nell: Honourable is spelt with an h.

Me: Beefies don’t care about spelling.

Nell: Rupert can’t be their envoy. He’s a wolf.

Me: I don’t think he has to be a seagull.

Nell: Is he going to accept?

Me: It’s just a rumour at the moment but I think he might.

Nell: Rupert is becoming an honorary Beefy. Whatever next?

Me: You mean an onorary Beefy. See what I did there?

Nell: Poppy isn’t going to believe this when I tell her.

Me: How is she?

Nell: Baking scones. At least some things don’t change.

Me: Yes. Sorry.