Me: Look at Dave’s grumpy face. Isn’t it adorable? Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: He doesn’t like Nigel.

Me: Sometimes they’re friends but mostly they’re not. You were the same.

Nell: Nigel is extremely annoying. He kisses without asking.

Me: He’s a little needy.

Nell: You have to respect personal space.

Me: Dave doesn’t.

Nell: David sits on people. He doesn’t kiss them.

Me: He’s very large, Nell.

Nell: They’ll find a way to get on.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Especially with Sally there to calm the waters.

Me: I’m afraid Sally’s gone back to London.

Nell: No wonder David is grumpy.

Me: She had to get back to work.

Nell: Understandable.

Me: Knitwear Wolf has gone with her.

Nell: I beg your pardon? Did you say Rupert has gone up to London?

Me: I did.

Nell: Why?

Me: I don’t know.

Nell: Is it cardigan-related?

Me: I don’t think it has anything to do with woollens.

Nell: Has Lionel gone, too?

Me: No. That wretched lion is still moping about the place.

Nell: Missing me, I expect. Poor chap.

Me: No. The tourist season is over so he’s lost his job as a lifeguard.

Nell: A lifeguard?

Me: Yes. He’s a jolly strong swimmer, although I’m not sure what people thought when a lion came swimming towards them.

Nell: Grateful to be rescued, I should imagine.

Me: By a big cat?

Nell: He will have been wearing his uniform.

Me: I suppose so. And he has a lovely thick mane to hang on to.

Nell: Rupert is an excellent swimmer.

Me: Yes. He has webbed toes.

Nell: What are you talking about?

Me: All wolves have webbed toes. It helps them paddle efficiently.

Nell: I can’t believe we’re discussing webbed toes when Rupert has disappeared to London.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: I see you all went down to the river and Harriet had a wonderful time as usual.

Me: She always does.

Nell: There’s the bench where we used to sit and put the world to rights.

Me: I loved our little chats.

Nell: You still do.

Me: I miss seeing your beautiful face.

Nell: Close your eyes and I’m there.

Me: Yes.

Nell: And there are photos of me everywhere.

Me: There are.

Nell: So, what are the plans today?

Me: Sunday Songs followed by roast beef. Rupert is joining us.

Nell: I’m glad.

Me: Sally asked to see him.

Nell: Did she now?

Me: And Lionel King of all animals.

Nell: Lionel isn’t as bad as you think he is.

Me: I’m not sure Rupert’s going to be pleased to see him.

Nell: Rupert is an understanding wolf.

Me: He’s been talking about returning to Canada recently.

Nell: He can’t do that.

Me: Which is exactly what I said.

Nell: Devon relies on his knitwear.

Me: Which is absolutely not what I said.

Nell: What would the Welsh Corgi Choir do without their Knitwear Wolf cardigans?

Me: True.

Nell: How are the llamas supposed to survive the winter without a coat?

Me: Llamas don’t actually need coats. They have really thick fleeces.

Nell: I’m not talking about Need. I’m talking about Want.

Me: Fair enough. In that case you’re right. Nobody wants Rupert to leave.

Nell: Tell Herr Hoffmann to make extra gravy and serve Rupert the biggest Yorkshire pudding and the most succulent slice of beef.

Me: Dave will be jealous.

Nell: Never mind David. This is about Rupert.

Me: You still love him, don’t you?

Nell: Of course I do. I always will.

Me: What about Charlie?

Nell: Charlie knows and understands completely.

Me: Right. Sorry.

Nell: I see Nigel is visiting you again.

Me: It’s the weekend, Nell. Nigel always visits us.

Nell: Did he go to the pub for a pint and a packet of crisps with Kev?

Me: He did, actually. Kev’s finished the antibiotics so he wanted to celebrate.

Nell: With Nigel?

Me: Yes. They enjoy the walk there and back.

Nell: And David and Harriet?

Me: They went on a long walk earlier.

Nell: Just checking. I don’t like to see any favouritism.

Me: You have favourites.

Nell: We weren’t talking about me.

Me: Yes we were. You said you don’t like favouritism.

Nell: Moving on, is Sally back?

Me: Yes. She and Davey spent the night in the two-seater chair.

Nell: I don’t need to know the details, thank you. And stop calling him Davey.

Me: They looked so sweet all cuddled up together.

Nell: Did Nigel behave?

Me: He always does around Sally. Everybody does, to be honest.

Nell: Poppy’s got a new beau.

Me: Do tell.

Nell: An Irish Wolfhound called Patrick.

Me: An Irish Wolfhound?

Nell: Yes.

Me: They’re huge.

Nell: Poppy likes large animals. Don’t forget John the Doberman.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: Is John still running Starbarks down at the quay?

Me: He is, but he’s lost his sparkle since Poppy left us.

Nell: I’m not sure he ever had one. John is more of the slow and steady type.

Me: True.

Nell: Patrick is the life and soul of the party.

Me: Is he?

Nell: He breaks into song at the drop of a hat.

Me: He sounds fun.

Nell: He wants me to call him Paddy.

Me: Fair enough.

Nell: I refused, of course.

Me: He’ll be calling you Nelly next.

Nell: He will not. Only Rupert calls me that.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Why is David sitting alone in the two-seater chair?

Me: He often sits there, Nell.

Nell: Where’s Sally?

Me: We don’t know.

Nell: You don’t know?

Me: She had to go and deal with something.

Nell: Or someone?

Me: Maybe. She said she’ll be back soon.

Nell: When did she go?

Me: Late last night. Owl Pacino came to get her.

Nell: So the Royal Owl Force is involved?

Me: Probably.

Nell: Does Harriet look worried?

Me: Harriet doesn’t give much away.

Nell: Yes, she does. Look at the photos you posted yesterday.

Me: We were playing. I meant when she’s spying.

Nell: Do you think something is going on?

Me: It usually is and I don’t think Owl Pacino would bother Sally in the middle of the night if it wasn’t.

Nell: David is clearly Waiting.

Me: Yes, I know. It breaks my heart.

Nell: We dogs are used to it. Waiting is one of our skills. We do it all the time.

Me: But he was so happy.

Nell: He will be again.

Me: Perhaps Nigel will lift his spirits?

Nell: Nigel?

Me: Yes. It’s Friday. Nigel always comes to stay at the weekend.

Nell: Don’t let Nigel sit on the two-seater chair.

Me: He likes it.

Nell: It’s David’s Waiting Chair.

Me: It’s actually my chair, Nell.

Nell: Bought with David in mind.

Me: Well, yes that is true.

Nell: I remember you telling Kev you could only have a chair with room for David to join you.

Me: I did say that.

Nell: You did.

Me: But it’s my chair so I’m definitely going to sit in it.

Nell: Until Sally comes back.

Me: It’s my chair.

Nell: Are you telling me that you’d come between a Labrador and his lady love?

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: Look at sweet little Harriet smiling away.

Nell: It doesn’t even look like her.

Me: Yes, it does. It’s her mischievous face. We were playing.

Nell: Well, I’m glad you’re having fun. Now tell me about David and Sally.

Me: Ah yes, our two lovebirds.

Nell: They’re dogs not birds and start at the very beginning, please.

Me: I opened the door and there was Sally.

Nell: Obviously.

Me: Dave heard the door open but barely bothered to open his eyes until he heard ‘Hello, Davey.’

Nell: And then?

Me: And then he jumped off the sofa and started dancing around Sally like a whirling dervish.

Nell: A whirling what?

Me: Dervish. They’re dancers who spin around.

Nell: Just say like a llama next time. It makes more sense.

Me: Does it? Anyway, there was a lot of kissing and cuddling.

Nell: I don’t need to know about that, thank you.

Me: And they haven’t been apart since. Dave took Sally to the Cottage Hotel for lunch.

Nell: While it’s still the Cottage Hotel and not some luxury resort.

Me: Exactly. Such dreadful news.

Nell: Indeed.

Me: And I said they can sit in my big two-seater armchair so that’s where they are right now sharing a bacon sandwich.

Nell: David sits there anyway.

Me: But not with Sally by his side.

Nell: True. When you say ‘sharing a bacon sandwich’ I hope there is more than one.

Me: Herr Hoffmann made a lot.

Nell: Good, because David eats by mistake when he’s happy.

Me: And when he isn’t.

Nell: Charlie will be pleased when I tell him.

Me: About the bacon sandwiches?

Nell: No, about David and Sally.

Me: It must be lovely being a Guardian.

Nell: Sometimes, like today, but not always.

Me: Of course not. Sorry.

Nell: You’re up early.

Me: It’s Wednesday Writers.

Nell: David’s looking a little low.

Me: He’s missing Sally. He hasn’t seen her for weeks.

Nell: Someone should tell her to visit him.

Me: I’m not sure I can. Sally’s an independent Golden Retriever.

Nell: You might not be able to but I know someone who can.

Me: Who?

Nell: Charlie. He was a secret agent in the past and he’s been keeping a careful eye on Sally for years.

Me: How quickly can he get a message to her?

Nell: He already did.

Me: But we’ve only just discussed Dave’s lowness.

Nell: You told me he was crying yesterday.

Me: Yes, about the bone.

Nell: I thought it was that, too, but Charlie wasn’t sure and he told Sally.

Me: How?

Nell: Never you mind. We Guardians have our little ways.

Me: Like white feathers?

Nell: Maybe.

Me: And robins?

Nell: Possibly.

Me: And a parking space just when you thought you’’d never find one?

Nell: I couldn’t possibly say.

Me: I hope Sally listens to Charlie.

Nell: She will.

Me: Because Dave is feeling really down.

Nell: I know. Talking of parking spaces, are there any available near your house?

Me: A few. Why?

Nell: Just wondering.

Me: Oh, there’s one less now. A red car just pulled in.

Nell: A red car?

Me: Yes. I don’t recognise it.

Nell: Don’t you?

Me: It must be someone visiting.

Nell: I agree.

Me: You’re not going to believe this.

Nell: I might.

Me: It’s Sally in the red car.

Nell: Well, well. Knock me down with a white feather.

Me: You and Charlie organised this, didn’t you?

Nell: Just go and open the front door. There’s a beautiful Golden Retriever outside waiting to surprise her handsome Labrador.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Good morning.

Nell: You sound tired.

Me: Dave and Harriet had a disagreement about a wretched bone first thing this morning and woke me up.

Nell: A bone?

Me: One of those you can lick the inside out of. You used to love them.

Nell: I’d have preferred a selection of sandwiches, crusts off, a piece of lemon drizzle cake and a nice flask of Earl Grey tea.

Me: Is Poppy making you a picnic?

Nell: How did you know?

Me: I guessed.

Nell: Charlie and I are taking a trip up into the mountains and Poppy thought a picnic might be just the thing.

Me: Hold on one moment. Did you just say mountains?

Nell: I did.

Me: You can’t really have mountains, Nell.

Nell: I’ve told you this before. We have everything. We both looked at the sky this morning and thought a walk in the mountains might be exactly what we needed.

Me: Will there be Edelweiss?

Nell: Probably.

Me: Will you be singing?

Nell: Definitely. But I shall not be dressed as a nun.

Me: Fair enough.

Nell: So, why were the Puppies arguing?

Me: Harriet brought her bone upstairs and fell asleep next to it and Davey thought he could finish it for her.

Nell: Don’t call him Davey, please. He’s a mature animal.

Me: He’s my darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Nevertheless. I’m presuming Harriet wasn’t best pleased to find her brother had stolen her bone.

Me: She wasn’t. She doesn’t get angry very often but when she does then she does.

Nell: I remember. Where are they now?

Me: Harriet is upstairs enjoying her bone and Dave is downstairs crying.

Nell: Crying?

Me: It’s heartbreaking.

Nell: He’s just whining because he wants something he can’t have. Ignore him.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Is that dear Marvin in Toronto?

Me: Yes, he’s helping Shannon and Chris make Muskoka chairs on the deck at his new house.

Nell: Muskoka chairs?

Me: Apparently there’s a district in Ontario called Muskoka and the chairs are famous.

Nell: I see.

Me: A Muskoka chair is a deeply reclined wooden or plastic outdoor lounge chair featuring a fan-shaped back, sloping seat, and exceptionally wide armrests.

Nell: You looked that up.

Me: I did.

Nell: You didn’t need to. We could see what it’s going to look like from the photo.

Me: Alright, Smarty Pants.

Nell: Why has Marvin got his head in a box?

Me: He’s practising being a Maildog.

Nell: What are you talking about?

Me: It’s their mail box and he’s going to collect the letters.

Nell: Not a good idea.

Me: Why?

Nell: Letters and parcels can be easily and almost unintentionally chewed.

Me: Almost unintentionally?

Nell: An animal can get carried away in the excitement.

Me: I see what you mean.

Nell: Marvin may need to find a different job.

Me: Maybe he could just check it’s empty at the end of the day?

Nell: What if it isn’t?

Me: True.

Nell: Moving on, the Weather Guardians tell me you can expect rain today.

Me: We had some first thing this morning.

Nell: Are you going to your aqua class?

Me: Of course. You’re not about to tell me not to get wet, are you? Only that would be a little odd.

Nell: You can’t jump around in a pool and not get wet.

Me: Yes, that’s what I meant.

Nell: But you can get wet clothes in the rain and putting on wet clothes after a swim is not pleasant at all.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: I usually am.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Good morning. The Weather Guardians tell me you’re in for a lovely sunny day.

Me: Something fishy is going on.

Nell: Could we start with ‘Good Morning’?

Me: I’m not sure it is a Good Morning. Nigel and Harriet are Lurking Around.

Nell: Lurking Around?

Me: With guilty faces.

Nell: Nigel might look guilty but Harriet doesn’t.

Me: She’s probably secretly spying on Nigel.

Nell: Why would she be doing that?

Me: It’s got something to do with Swedish Meatballs.

Nell: Swedish Meatballs?

Me: We had them for dinner last night and there were some left over so we put them in the fridge.

Nell: Let me guess, now they’re not there?

Me: Correct. Just an empty bowl.

Nell: I hate it when people do that.

Me: So do I. If you’re going to eat something don’t put the empty container back in the fridge.

Nell: Where’s David?

Me: He’s still asleep.

Nell: Eating by Mistake can make you very tired.

Me: I see what you did there.

Nell: David is the obvious suspect.

Me: But why all the Lurking Around?

Nell: You’re going to say I’m biased, but my biscuits are on Nigel as the culprit.

Me: You mean money.

Nell: We don’t have money up here. We don’t need it.

Me: Never mind. It’s a saying.

Nell: Nigel stole the Swedish Meatballs and David has been falsely accused.

Me: Dave hasn’t been accused of anything yet.

Nell: And he never will be.

Me: How do you know that?

Nell: Because Harriet’s on the case. She knows Nigel is guilty and she’s gathering evidence.

Me: I think you might be right.

Nell: So, make sure you wear a hat to Sunday Songs and let Harriet solve the case. Can I have a ‘Good Morning’ now?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: What is going on there?

Me: Nigel is sitting with Kev and Dave is feeling a little left out.

Nell: Nigel is gloating.

Me: Nigel isn’t gloating.

Nell: He is. Look at his face.

Me: He’s just happy to be with Uncle.

Nell: David is Kev’s Best Boy.

Me: I know he is.

Nell: Not Nigel.

Me: Of course not. But I knew Nigel would cheer Kev up. He always does.

Nell: Did they go to the pub for a pint?

Me: No. Kev’s not well enough. They went for a lovely long walk.

Nell: And David?

Me: Dave and Harriet went for a lovely longer walk, actually.

Nell: Good. I can’t have their place in the family usurped by an interloper.

Me: Nigel isn’t an interloper, Nell. Dave and Harriet are safe and secure.

Nell: Not according to David’s face.

Me: He’s just a bit jealous. You were the same.

Nell: I wasn’t jealous. I just didn’t like Nigel.

Me: We know. You didn’t disguise it.

Nell: Anyway, how was the Chinese takeaway? Did David use chopsticks?

Me: No, he didn’t.

Nell: Good. I’m glad you listened to me.

Me: We had an Indian takeaway.

Nell: Why?

Me: Chinese is Kev’s favourite but he felt too unwell so Charlotte and I had an Indian instead.

Nell: Dogs can’t eat Indian food. It’s too spicy.

Me: I know.

Nell: So, you let them all sit there hopefully with their bowls and chopsticks and gave them nothing to eat?

Me: They had dog biscuits.

Nell: Dog biscuits? For dinner? Poppy isn’t going to believe this.

Me: They’re dogs, Nell. They shouldn’t eat Chinese food either.

Nell: Why order it?

Me: Because sometimes it’s not only about you dogs.

Nell: I can’t believe you just said that.

Me: You’re right. Sorry.