Nell: Is Nigel in your bedroom?

Me: No.

Nell: Be honest.

Me: He might be. Why?

Nell: He missed Morning Thoughts.

Me: I didn’t know he was part of Morning Thoughts.

Nell: When he’s visiting us his name is Nigel Martin and all Martins are required to be present at Morning Thoughts.

Me: I’m not. And neither is Kev.

Nell: Kev’s there.

Me: Wait a minute. Did you just say Kev was at Morning Thoughts?

Nell: Yes. Sometimes he’s not fully awake but he’s definitely there.

Me: What about me?

Nell: You’re definitely not there.

Me: Why?

Nell: Because you’re either sleeping or writing. And you can’t be trusted.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: You’re always sharing. Look at me and Nigel. We have a slight disagreement and now we’ve got a virus.

Me: You haven’t got a virus. You’ve gone viral.

Nell: Whatever.

Me: People love you, Nell. And Nigel.

Nell: It’s probably why he’s hiding upstairs in your bedroom.

Me: I wouldn’t call it hiding.

Nell: What would you call it?

Me: It is actually hiding. He’s hiding at the end of my bed.

Nell: Is he hiding from me?

Me: I don’t think so.

Nell: Haven’t you asked him?

Me: I didn’t want to pry.

Nell: You didn’t want to pry? You’re always sticking your nose into other people’s business.

Me: I wouldn’t call it that. I’m naturally curious.

Nell: Tell me about it.

Me: I can’t. I don’t know why he’s hiding.

Nell: Ask him.

Me: Just like that?

Nell: He’s at the end of your bed.

Me: I don’t really want to bother him.

Nell: Nobody hides at the end of a bed for no reason.

Me: Fine, I’ll do it.

Nell: Well, go on then. We haven’t got all day.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Look at darling Marvin all cuddled up in the warm.

Nell: I’m glad he’s out of the cold.

Me: Talking of cold, you need to listen to me about going out in this weather, Nell. It’s not good for you to get wet.

Nell: I like an afternoon stroll.

Me: Only if it’s not raining.

Nell: Moving on, did I hear you say Nigel is going to be visiting?

Me: Yes. Nigel and my sister Charlotte are coming for the weekend.

Nell: Is Nigel aware of the dog bed situation?

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: There’s a distinct lack of dog beds in this house at the moment,

Me: I’ve told you they’re at the dry cleaners.

Nell: And I need to be accommodated first.

Me: Yes, we all know that.

Nell: David and Harriet don’t.

Me: They do. They just like to lie in a nice comfortable bed occasionally, too.

Nell: As long as everyone is on the same page. I come first as Senior Labrador.

Me: You do. I can tell you’re still grumpy, Nell.

Nell: We all are.

Me: Is it the rain?

Nell: No. I’m afraid we’ve had to disband the Spaghetti Bolognese Club.

Me: Oh no. Why?

Nell: It’s pointless without Italians.

Me: Maybe we can find some?

Nell: Don’t be silly. This is Devon not Tuscany.

Me: It’s worth a try.

Nell: If you do find an Italian they might not be able to cook.

Me: Maybe.

Nell: And if they can cook, they might not want to share.

Me: Let’s try and find one first.

Nell: And if they do want to share will they have any Tupperware containers?

Me: Stop finding reasons to be grumpy.

Nell: Just saying. Did I hear Nigel arrive?

Me: Yes, I’m afraid you did. Sorry.

Me: Look at all the snow in Toronto.

Nell: No wonder Marvin doesn’t want to go out.

Me: Some dogs love the snow.

Nell: We’re Labradors not Pyrenean Mountain Dogs.

Me: Talking of Pyrenean, how’s Pamela?

Nell: My friend Dorothy says she’s walking out with a rather dapper Highland Terrier.

Me: Is he from around here?

Nell: No, she met him on one of those dating sites. Growlmates.

Me: Interesting.

Nell: He lives in Edinburgh which is a nuisance but not insurmountable.

Me: Are you feeling any happier today?

Nell: Not really.

Me: So, the spaghetti bolognese didn’t work?

Nell: It lacked Stanley’s Italian touch. What about you?

Me: I enjoyed it.

Nell: You look a little off today.

Me: I woke up with an awful migraine.

Nell: Poor you. Migraines are frightful things.

Me: I’ve always suffered from them particularly in this kind of weather.

Nell: Yes, it simply won’t stop raining.

Me: It feels like everything’s falling apart at the moment. Including me,

Nell: Stop that negative talk.

Me: Maybe our grumpiness has nothing to do with spaghetti bolognese and everything to do with this awful weather?

Nell: Maybe? We need to find something positive.

Me: We do.

Nell: We should say a big thank you to everyone who kindly bought us a cup of Earl Grey.

Me: Yes, we should. Thank you so much.

Nell: As I’ve told you many times before, people can be very kind if you allow them to be.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: And that’s why I’m going to tuck you up in front of the fire with a nice cup of Earl Grey.

Me: Thank you.

Nell: I have one of Rupert’s soft blankets and David can sing to you if you wish.

Me: I might give the singing a miss. Sorry.

Nell: You need to talk to David.

Me: What’s he done now?

Nell: He’s in my bed.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: When I asked him politely to move he stuck his tongue out at me.

Me: Maybe he was playing Cheeky Animals?

Nell: And when I asked him again he closed his eyes and pretended to sleep.

Me: Maybe he’s tired?

Nell: This bad behaviour all started when the spaghetti bolognese stopped.

Me: Maybe he’s suffering spaghetti bolognese withdrawal symptoms?

Nell: Maybe you could stop making excuses for him?

Me: The trouble is we’re missing two beds because they’re at the dry cleaners.

Nell: David can sit on the sofa, or your chair. He knows I can’t get up there anymore.

Me: You’re absolutely right. I’m going to talk to him and ask him to apologise.

Nell: Good.

Me: I’m also going to ask Herr Hoffmann if we can have spaghetti bolognese for dinner. I can’t have Davey suffering like this.

Nell: David’s not suffering. He’s just being naughty.

Me: It isn’t like him. He’s normally such a good boy.

Nell: Not anymore.

Me: Should I try talking to him in Italian?

Nell: You don’t speak Italian.

Me: I did the day before yesterday.

Nell: Harriet’s not herself.

Me: She’s a spy. It’s part of the job.

Nell: No, she’s out of sorts.

Me: You’ve been a bit grumpy too, recently.

Nell: I have not.

Me: You have, Nell.

Nell: Don’t complain. My grumpiness has made me an internet sensation.

Me: Let’s see if a nice bowl of spaghetti bolognese this evening lifts the mood.

Nell: And if it doesn’t?

Me: Then it’s not the lack of spaghetti bolognese making you all like this.

Nell: It could still be the lack of Stanley Smoochy’s bolognese.

Me: Yes. You’re right. Sorry.

Nell: You look tired.

Me: I had a very early start to my day.

Nell: Why?

Me: Ask Dave.

Nell: What’s he done now?

Me: He had a large drink of water before rushing upstairs to see me at 5am this morning and threw it up all over the bed.

Nell: Oh dear.

Me: It wasn’t the best way to be woken up.

Nell: Did you have to change the bed?

Me: I had to change everything. Pillows, duvet, bed cover. Everything.

Nell: That’s worse than putting your nose in the mashed potato.

Me: An interesting comparison but I agree.

Nell: David might have to lie low today.

Me: At least I managed to do a lot of writing before the sun came up.

Nell: Yes, there is that.

Me: And I know he didn’t mean it. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Did he help you change the bed?

Me: No. He went back downstairs, climbed in to my armchair and went back to sleep.

Nell: He wasn’t very sorry about the mashed potato either.

Me: These things happen.

Nell: Did anyone offer you a cappuccino, or some biscotti?

Me: Funnily enough nobody seemed to be around, apart from a few tractors.

Nell: Farmers work hard.

Me: Yes, they do.

Nell: I think you might have to have a mid-morning nap.

Me: I think you might be right.

Nell: Or an afternoon one?

Me: Or both?

Nell: Shall I organise a nice cup of Earl Grey and some hot buttered toast?

Me: That would be absolutely lovely.

Nell: Would you like a lightly boiled egg on the side?

Me: I wouldn’t say no.

Nell: I’ll keep David downstairs, shall I?

Me: Maybe. Just for now.

Nell: Really?

Me: No. Let him come upstairs. I need my morning cuddles. Sorry.

Me: Have you seen Dave? I’m missing my morning cuddle.

Nell: David is downstairs on the living room Being Theatrical.

Me: Being Theatrical?

Nell: Yes.

Me: How?

Nell: He’s resting his head on the footstool and it looks like he’s Sulking.

Me: Maybe he is. Do we know why?

Nell: There was no Tupperware at the Bus Stop this morning.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: And I’m afraid David has become used to starting his day with a Spaghetti Bolognese.

Me: I’m sure they’ll be one tomorrow.

Nell: I’m not. The Cat said Stanley Smoochy has left.

Me: Without saying goodbye?

Nell: Why would he say goodbye to The Cat?

Me: I meant to you. You’re his special lady.

Nell: What are you talking about?

Me: ‘Bellissimi fiori per una bella signora.’

Nell: I don’t know what that means.

Me: Beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady.

Nell: When did you learn Italian?

Me: I don’t know.

Nell: Did you take the Spaghetti Bolognese?

Me: No, of course not. But I had a few delicious biscotti with my morning cappuccino.

Nell: You don’t drink coffee.

Me: It was on my desk. It would have been rude not to.

Nell: On your desk?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Was there a note?

Me: Not really.

Nell: Not really?

Me: Someone wrote ‘goditi‘ in the foam on top of the cappuccino.

Nell: Goditi?

Me: It means enjoy.

Nell: And how do you know what it means?

Me: I just do.

Nell: Were the biscotti in a Tupperware?

Me: Yes, you can have one if you want.

Nell: Interesting. Was the window open?

Me: Yes, I always open it in the morning.

Nell: Carrying the cappuccino can’t have been easy.

Me: It was on a little tray.

Nell: Why didn’t you tell me that before?

Me: Sorry.

Nell: Please don’t say you can’t believe it’s February already.

Me: I’m not going to. January seemed to be an awfully long month this year.

Nell: It always is.

Me: All the rain and snow and storms didn’t help.

Nell: Let’s hope the weather improves.

Me: Yes.

Nell: It’s the first of the month so you know what you need to do.

Me: Share the link to the website where people can support us?

Nell: Yes, please.

Me: It’s https://buymeacoffee.com/saramartin.

Nell: Well done.

Me: And thank you so much in advance. It honestly makes a difference.

Nell: It does. Thank you.

Me: Have you seen the Puppies?

Nell: They’re under the kitchen table.

Me: Why?

Nell: David was watching ‘Stranger Things’ and it scared the living daylights out of him.

Me: I told him not to do that.

Nell: We all did. There are enough monsters around in the real world without watching more.

Me: I agree.

Nell: Harriet has calmed him down and he says he might manage a roast dinner later.

Me: Well, that’s a relief.

Nell: He managed two bacon sandwiches so things can’t be that bad.

Me: Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Sunday Songs is outside today.

Me: Why?

Nell: The Big Cat Vibe are performing and there’s not a lot of room in the Village Hall for several lions and a tiger.

Me: Not to mention Dave.

Nell: And the llamas need space for their interpretive dance.

Me: Do you think they’re going to want me to join in after my triumph with the tap dancing?

Nell: Triumph?

Me: Only joking. I’m singing, not dancing.

Nell: You are not.

Me: I used to be in the school choir and the operatic society.

Nell: Good grief. It’s February 2026 not the 1970’s.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: You’re awake late this morning.

Me: I decided to have a lie-in as it’s my birthday weekend.

Nell: Fair enough. David will bring your breakfast on a tray.

Me: Is that a good idea?

Nell: It’s bacon sandwiches so he should be able to manage. I wouldn’t have let him carry boiled eggs.

Me: Might there be some Eating by Mistake?

Nell: No, he’s allowed an extra sandwich to eat on the way upstairs so it should keep him busy. Did you enjoy yesterday?

Me: I did. Very much. Thank you to everyone for your birthday messages. The party at the pub was great fun, wasn’t it?

Nell: It was.

Me: All that singing and dancing.

Nell: Where’s Nigel this morning?

Me: He had to go home to look after Xav.

Nell: Xav the Cat?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Nigel left us to go and spend time with a cat?

Me: They’re best friends. Nigel likes to watch him eat.

Nell: Absolutely outrageous.

Me: It is a bit odd. I don’t know why you’re complaining. You don’t even like Nigel.

Nell: Abandoning family and friends to watch a cat eat.

Me: Can I just point out that your best friend is a cat?

Nell: The Cat is not A cat it is The Cat.

Me: I don’t see the difference.

Nell: Well, you should. And I would never watch The Cat eat.

Me: You Labradors will watch anyone eat.

Nell: We’re Caring and Supportive animals. What can I say?

Me: I think Nigel might be coming back, if that’s what’s worrying you?

Nell: It’s not.

Me: You’re a funny old thing about Nigel. Don’t want to be with him but can’t be without him.

Nell: I most certainly can and less of the funny old thing, please.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Happy Birthday to you.

Me: Thank you. That’s a photo of me in my wolf hat.

Nell: Don’t call it that. You’ll annoy Rupert.

Me: Knitwear Wolf doesn’t mind.

Nell: That furry hat has absolutely nothing to do with wolves.

Me: It just reminds me of one. And there we are on the photoshoot for the book.

Nell: Yes. It’s a while ago now but I thought you’d like to see it again.

Me: How can I be 67, Nell? Where did all the time go?

Nell: You say that every year.

Me: I know I do.

Nell: I’ve written you a poem.

Me: How kind of you. Can I hear it?

Nell: Yes.

‘Someone we love

Has a birthday today

And I think that you know

What I’m going to say.

That someone is Sara

Who doesn’t want any fuss

But I’m afraid she completely 

Forgot about us.

And we’re going to party

The whole day through

And all of the weekend

And on Monday too.

So sit back now Sara

And enjoy what we’ve done.

There’s candles and cake

And dancing and fun.

We wouldn’t be here

Without your Conversations

With Nell, of course,

The internet sensation.

So put on your hat

And stop feeling blue

Because. dearest Sara,

We’re celebrating you.’

Me: Thank you. That was lovely.

Nell: My pleasure.

Me: So you’re an internet sensation?

Nell: I seem to be rather popular.

Me: Everyone loves a grumpy animal.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: Just saying.

Nell: Moving on, David wants to know if you’d like spaghetti bolognese for breakfast as there’s a little bit left in the Tupperware?

Me: Tempting as that is, I’m going to say no.

Nell: Fine. Pancakes it is. Put your birthday hat on. Everyone’s waiting downstairs.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: What are we going to do about Sponge Finger?

Nell: Nothing. Can’t you see David and I are trying to sleep?

Me: Have you eaten spaghetti bolognese?

Nell: No.

Me: You have, Nell. You always fall asleep on a full tummy.

Nell: I had a simple bowl of cereal.

Me: You did not. I saw Dave collect the Tupperware from the Bus Stop.

Nell: Fine. David might have shared a few Tortellini in brodo with me.

Me: What?

Nell: Beak-folded meat-stuffed tortellini served in a clear, rich broth.

Me: Beak-folded?

Nell: Stanley doesn’t have hands. He’s a seagull.

Me: Neither does Sponge Finger.

Nell: Enough of all that. We’re going to forget about spying and NOIR for a few days.

Me: Why?

Nell: Have you forgotten what tomorrow is?

Me: 30th January.

Nell: And?

Me: It’s my birthday.

Nell: Exactly. So we’re going to have a fun-filled weekend.

Me: Must we?

Nell: What?

Me: I’m not sure I want a fun-filled weekend.

Nell: We’re celebrating whether you like it or not.

Me: Couldn’t we just forget it and carry on as normal?

Nell: Carry on as normal?

Me: Yes.

Nell: When did we ever do normal?

Me: You have a point there.

Nell: Anyway, we’ve booked the pub for tomorrow night.

Me: Seriously?

Nell: There wasn’t enough room for everyone here.

Me: Everyone? Who’s coming?

Nell: Everyone. I just told you

Me: In the village?

Nell: Maybe not absolutely everyone.

Me: I’d be happy with a quiet supper in front of the fire.

Nell: Bad luck. You’re going to be partying all night.

Me: What if I don’t feel like celebrating being another year older?

Nell: You might not, but we do.

Me: Why?

Nell: Because we’re celebrating you and we love you very much.

Me: I see. Sorry.