Nell: What is Harriet doing?

Me: It’s not Harriet. It’s Elsie, the Chocolate Lab who’s in love with Dave.

Nell: Oh yes. I can see that now. What’s she doing?

Me: Eating the crops.

Nell: She shouldn’t be doing that.

Me: I know.

Nell: And who’s the elderly Golden Retriever?

Me: Maya. They’re our neighbours.

Nell: Is Maya in love with David, too?

Me: Don’t be silly.

Nell: It’s a simple question.

Me: No. Just Elsie. She goes all unnecessary when she sees Dave. Throws herself on the ground and then dances around him.

Nell: What does David do?

Me: Nothing really. He seems a little bemused by it all.

Nell: As long as he doesn’t encourage her. She’s obviously young and he’s a mature Labrador.

Me: I never think of him as mature. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Is he still a Pescatarian?

Me: Very much so.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: He wanted kippers for breakfast but Herr Hoffmann said there were too many bones so he had sardines on toast instead.

Nell: You’re going to run out of fish soon.

Me: Well, you’re not going to believe this.

Nell: I might.

Me: The Beefies have started a fish delivery business.

Nell: What a surprise.

Me: You can order online and they deliver.

Nell: Do they, indeed?

Me: If you subscribe you get your first order free and subsequent orders at a discount.

Nell: I can’t believe it.

Me: It’s a very good option for Pescatarians like Dave.

Nell: David isn’t a Pescatarian. He’s a meat eater.

Me: Not at the moment.

Nell: You can’t order fish from the Beefies.

Me: It’s quite safe. The website says all fish are checked by the Regional Fish Board.

Nell: Except there isn’t a Regional Fish Board.

Me: Oh dear. Sorry.

Nell: How’s David today?

Me: He’s not quite himself, Nell.

Nell: In what way?

Me: He’s wearing his favourite ring over his head.

Nell: He does that sometimes.

Me: In a crazy sort of way.

Nell: I see.

Me: He wouldn’t eat his boiled egg this morning.

Nell: Oh dear.

Me: Or Harriet’s. He wanted smoked salmon instead.

Nell: Spoilt animal.

Me: And he asked for pickled fish for his tea yesterday.

Nell: Pickled fish?

Me: Yes, and he’d already eaten tuna for lunch.

Nell: This is worrying,

Me: I agree, there’s definitely something fishy going on. See what I did there?

Nell: This is not a laughing matter. What about bacon?

Me: He doesn’t want it.

Nell: Seriously?

Me: And when Stanley delivered the Spaghetti Bolognese he asked for Spaghetti alle Vongole.

Nell: What on earth is that?

Me: It’s spaghetti with fresh clams. It’s actually rather delicious.

Nell: That’s not the point.

Me: No. Of course.

Nell: Is he talking Italian?

Me: Not particularly.

Nell: What does that mean?

Me: He said ‘Ciao Bella’ to a passing spaniel but he does that anyway.

Nell: Sally won’t be pleased.

Me: She doesn’t mind him flirting in Italian. It’s harmless.

Nell: I meant about all this fish. David’s a meat eater.

Me: Not anymore. I mean, I don’t mind. I love fish.

Nell: It’s all your fault.

Me: I’ve never pushed fish on anyone, Nell. Each to their own.

Nell: You brought the Beefy fish home.

Me: Do you think it’s the reason?

Nell: I do. The Beefies have turned David into a Pescatarian.

Me: Only for now. It will wear off.

Nell: Don’t be so sure about that.

Me: Dave is never going to refuse roast beef or a sizzling steak.

Nell: He refused bacon.

Me: You’re right. Sorry.

Me: Look at darling Harriet. What a beauty she is.

Nell: Did you go with Rupert on The Popsicle Run?

Me: You would never think she was a spy.

Nell: You’re not answering my question.

Me: Harriet is the picture of innocence when in reality she’s fierce and cunning.

Nell: Aren’t you confusing her with Poppy?

Me: She’s been watching the Bus Stop for hours now so I know something’s going down.

Nell: It’ll be the bus to Kingsbridge

Me: No. There’s trouble brewing.

Nell: You’re in a lot of trouble if you went on The Popsicle Run with Rupert.

Me: Maybe that Italian rook, Sponge Finger, is meeting his friends?

Nell: You should know.

Me: We were helping dehydrated seagulls, Nell. Not only Beefies. And they were terribly thankful.

Nell: I bet they were.

Me: One of them offered me a fish finger.

Nell: I hope you didn’t eat it.

Me: No, I said I’d take it home and eat it later.

Nell: Why did you say that?

Me: Because it was a thoughtful present.

Nell: I don’t believe it.

Me: It didn’t look like the usual kind of fish finger.

Nell: I bet it didn’t.

Me: No breadcrumbs. It was more like a piece of fish.

Nell: What did you do with it?

Me: I took it home.

Nell: You did what?

Me: Don’t worry. I didn’t eat it.

Nell: Thank goodness for that.

Me: Dave did.

Nell: What?

Me: I was going to give it to Manuel to use in his paella.

Nell: Why?

Me: He’s from Barcelona, Nell.

Nell: Why give it to anyone?

Me: I didn’t. Dave took it before I could.

Nell: And how’s David today?

Me: Not himself. We think it was something he ate.

Nell: I wonder what.

Me: Oh dear. Sorry.

Nell: David looks guilty.

Me: He does, doesn’t he?

Nell: Do we know why?

Me: I don’t think he’s done anything wrong.

Nell: Just one bowl of cereal and one boiled egg for breakfast?

Me: Probably.

Nell: No Spaghetti Bolognese from the Bus Stop?

Me: It’s a little early for that. Even for Dave.

Nell: It’s never too early for David.

Me: I’m not a big fan of Mondays.

Nell: Not many people are.

Me: It’s back to the real world again.

Nell: I’m not sure you know what the real world is.

Me: I do, Nell. I just like escaping from it now and again.

Nell: Don’t we all.

Me: You’re not in the real world at all.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: You’re a Guardian. You’re up in the clouds.

Nell: Clouds? I’ll have you know there isn’t a cloud in the sky today.

Me: Really?

Nell: Yes, and the temperature has dropped so Charlie and I thought we might take a walk in the park this afternoon.

Me: Well, I’m glad to hear it. It’s hard for me to imagine Guardianland.

Nell: You can imagine almost anything else.

Me: True.

Nell: Just think of your favourite place and there you are.

Me: Like Peter Pan. ‘Second star to the right and straight on ‘til morning’.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: That’s written on my mother’s grave.

Nell: I know. I went there with you.

Me: Of course.

Nell: What are your plans today?

Me: I thought I might ask Rupert if he’d take me on a Popsicle Run.

Nell: Absolutely not.

Me: Why? Stephen Seagull was rather sweet when he gave Rupert his award.

Nell: Sweet?

Me: Maybe he’s changed?

Nell: Dalmatians don’t change their spots.

Me: You mean leopards.

Nell: It’s a definite ‘no’.

Me: Fine. Sorry.

Me: Nigel had A Good Day yesterday.

Nell: Why?

Me: He started the day with two breakfasts.

Nell: Any particular reason?

Me: He ate Harriet’s by mistake.

Nell: Is he turning into David?

Me: No. This was a genuine mistake.

Nell: Was it really, though?

Me: Yes, because Nigel prefers red sauce on his sandwich and it was only when he realised the sauce was brown that he thought it might not be his.

Nell: Did he stop eating it?

Me; No, he’s a Labrador, but he told Herr Hoffmann about it and made sure Harriet had a new sandwich.

Nell: I’m glad to hear it. What else went well for Nigel yesterday?

Me: Before lunch he watched the Bus Stop and after lunch he watched Wimbledon with me and Charlotte and had strawberries and cream.

Nell: Nice.

Me: And in the evening he watched the football with Kev and England won.

Nell: It was exciting, wasn’t it?

Me: It was exhausting. I couldn’t get to sleep until gone 4am.

Nell: Poppy and I were the same. You had better have a quiet day today.

Me: It’s the Men’s Final at 4pm.

Nell: Well, have a nap after your Sunday roast.

Me: We’re not having a roast, Nell. It’s too warm and Herr Hoffmann is tired.

Nell: Being tired isn’t going to stop Poppy from cooking us a roast.

Me: Nothing can stop Poppy.

Nell: True.

Me: We’re having scones with jam and cream when we watch the tennis.

Nell: I hope you’re still going to Sunday Songs.

Me: We are.

Nell: Wearing hats?

Me: Yes.

Nell: And carrying a parasol?

Me: I’m not the parasol type, Nell. It’s a bit My Fair Lady.

Nell: It’s not a fashion statement. It’s to protect you from the sun.

Me: Right. Sorry.

Me: Harriet’s never happier than when she’s in the water.

Nell: I can see that.

Me: Even when she was a tiny puppy she used to love a paddling pool.

Nell: Paddling pools are good for cooling the paws.

Me: Kev’s bought a big one for the grandchildren to play in.

Nell: Good idea.

Me: Merdog Harriet might jump in there, of course.

Nell: And David might drink it.

Me: He does like a good long drink. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: I’m sure Jonathan and Faye will be happy to share the pool.

Me: I’m getting really excited about their visit now.

Nell: I can tell.

Me: Only 2 weeks to go.

Nell: A family visit brings weeks of joy, even before the actual event.

Me: Months in my case.

Nell: Has Kev written the number of days until they arrive on your whiteboard?

Me: Yes. He changes it every day.

Nell: So, what are your plans for this weekend?

Me: Bacon sandwiches and Saturday Kitchen.

Nell: Will you be watching Wimbledon?

Me: Probably.

Nell: And the football? England are playing Norway.

Me: Definitely. David’s wearing his England shirt.

Nell: Are Charlotte and Nigel joining you?

Me: Yes. We’re going to the pub for dinner before the match. The garden is lovely.

Nell: All of you?

Me: Not the dogs.

Nell: Why not?

Me: Nigel can be a little off with other dogs.

Nell: Off?

Me: He’s a rescue dog so he’s falsely brave.

Nell: Falsely brave?

Me: Marvin’s the same. They seem bold but they’re actually not.

Nell: Rescue dogs have a hard start to life.

Me: Mutley had four owners before Kev rescued him.

Nell: Mutley wasn’t falsely brave.

Me: He was a bit, Nell.

Nell: Have you forgotten The Great Mutliano?

Me: You’re right. Sorry.

Me: Look where we went yesterday, Nell.

Nell: You went back to River Beach.

Me: Yes, we did. We were going to go on our usual walk by the river when Kev suggested we go down to the beach instead.

Nell: What a good idea.

Me: Yes. It was after 4pm so not quite so hot and we hadn’t been back there for a really long time.

Nell: I couldn’t manage the walk.

Me: No, it was too far for you.

Nell: It must have been lovely to go there again.

Me: Happy and sad, Nell.

Nell: I understand.

Me: So many memories.

Nell: How is our little island?

Me: Still there.

Nell: And the little boathouse?

Me: Still there, too. It’s all very dry, Nell. You can see how hot it’s been.

Nell: Did Dave and Harriet enjoy their swim?

Me: They absolutely loved it. The water was so clear.

Nell: Was it overrun with Grockles?

Me: Don’t call the tourists Grockles. There were quite a few of them but everyone was having tremendous fun which is all that matters.

Nell: I’m so glad you went back there. It’s a special place.

Me: So am I. We will go again when the family come to visit.

Nell: Yes, you should take a picnic and make a day of it.

Me: We should.

Nell: Poppy suggests sandwiches, cake and a flask of tea.

Me: Good idea. I missed you, Nell.

Nell: I know you did.

Me: You and I would always walk behind the others at our own pace.

Nell: Yes. We would take our time.

Me: But in another way it felt like you were still with me. Walking by my side like you always did.

Nell: I was. I am. You and me. Always. Remember?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Doesn’t Dave look like you in this photo?

Nell: David has a muddy nose.

Me: Never mind that. He’s been snoofling around outside. Look at the similarity.

Nell: David’s my nephew. Of course he looks like me.

Me: I’ve noticed it more, recently. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: We come from a good looking family.

Me: You certainly do. Harriet is a beauty.

Nell: She is. They both seem a little tired.

Me: It’s this hot weather. Everyone’s tired and crotchety.

Nell: Crotchety?

Me: Cantankerous.

Nell: Could you speak English please?

Me: I am. Bad-tempered. Irritable.

Nell: I know you are.

Me: No, that’s what it means.

Nell: It’s no wonder when you go about talking gibberish.

Me: Never mind.

Nell: How are the preparations going?

Me: Preparations?

Nell: Alice and the grandchildren will be visiting you soon.

Me: I know. It’s so exciting.

Nell: Don’t make the beds too early.

Me: I won’t.

Nell: Or dogs will sleep on them.

Me: I don’t know how Nigel is going to cope without his bunk bed.

Nell: He will have to.

Me: Yes, but he won’t like it.

Nell: It’s only for a few weeks.

Me: I hope we have good weather.

Nell: They’ll enjoy themselves whatever the weather. They always do.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: Our chap did rather well at Wimbledon, didn’t he?

Me: He was amazing.

Nell: Mutley and I were cheering him on.

Me: And Poppy?

Nell: She doesn’t have time for tennis.

Me: More of a football fan?

Nell: Too busy baking.

Me: In this weather?

Nell: Heatwaves don’t bother Guardians.

Me: Of course. What’s she baking?

Nell: The other Guardians have discovered her scones and now there’s a huge demand for them.

Me: I miss Poppy’s scones.

Nell: Don’t you start.

Me: Sorry.

Me: Can we talk about horseflies?

Nell: If we must.

Me: Harriet hates them and so do I.

Nell: They’re extremely tiresome creatures.

Me: They bite.

Nell: They certainly do.

Me: They’re good for nothing.

Nell: Actually they’re a major food source for many creatures. Birds, frogs, lizards, and other insects eat them. For example, wasps like the horse guard hunt them to feed their young. 

Me: I can’t stand wasps, either.

Nell: Male horseflies and non-biting females spend most of their time on flowers. Because they are very hairy, they easily carry pollen from bloom to bloom. 

Me: Fine. They have a purpose, but why do they have to bite me so hard?

Nell: Only the females bite. They need the protein for their young.

Me: How come you know so much about them?

Nell: If you must know, Poppy has made friends with a male horsefly.

Me: Why?

Nell: It wants to be a pirate.

Me: I’ve heard it all now. I can’t believe you have horseflies up there.

Nell: Even horseflies need Guardians.

Me: I suppose they do.

Nell: Poppy has quite an eclectic mix of Guardians in her pirate class.

Me: Pirate class? What do they learn?

Nell: Sword fighting, cutlass waving, stealing and looting.

Me: Seriously?

Nell: Not the stealing and looting. If you ask me it’s just any old excuse to wear a pirate’s hat.

Me: Fair enough.

Nell: Anyway, Poppy and Marcus have really hit it off.

Me: Marcus? The horsefly is called Marcus?

Nell: Why not?

Me: I imagined it being called Dracula.

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. It’s not a bat.

Me: I hope Marcus hasn’t tried to bite Poppy.

Nell: He wouldn’t dare and it’s the females who bite.

Me: Oh yes, I forgot.

Nell: Conversations involve listening.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: David looks a little disgruntled.

Me: He’s finding it difficult to accept the heatwave and the very high pollen count.

Nell: Aren’t we all?

Me: Don’t tell me you have a heatwave up there?

Nell: Not exactly.

Me: Or a high pollen count?

Nell: We might have, but it doesn’t affect us.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: We have everything nice and nothing nasty.

Me: I’m very glad to hear it.

Nell: There are seagulls up here, but no Beefies.

Me: They’ve probably all gone down there.

Nell: Droll. Guardians relinquish any Badness and make a fresh start.

Me: How’s Poppy doing with that?

Nell: Badly. The pirate instinct has not left her, I’m afraid.

Me: Did you know pirates wore eye patches not because they’d injured an eye but because they had to go below deck in the dark and having an eye patch meant one eye was always used to darkness and could see?

Nell: I’m not telling her that. The sword and hat are bad enough.

Me: It also explains why they swapped sides.

Nell: Have you quite finished?

Me: I thought it was interesting.

Nell: Could we get back to David, please?

Me: He wants to go out and he can’t until the early evening when it’s cooler.

Nell: Quite right.

Me: He says Rupert goes out.

Nell: Rupert’s a grown wolf with a business to run.

Me: Dave’s a grown Labrador, to be fair, and Rupert is mainly delivering popsicles to dehydrated seagulls.

Nell: I hope they’re paying him.

Me: Only in devotion. He’s quite the Beefy Hero nowadays.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: They all shout ‘Pops’ when they see him.

Nell: It’s better than ‘Me’ I suppose.

Me: It’s actually rather sweet.

Nell: It’s about ice lollies, not Rupert.

Me: Yes. Sorry.