Nell: Why does Harriet look sad?

Me: She’s not sad. She’s listening out for bacon.

Nell: You can’t listen to bacon.

Me: You can. It has a sizzly sort of sound.

Nell: Bacon is all about smell and taste.

Me: Fine. Let’s just agree it’s not sadness, it’s bacon.

Nell: It’s Sunday so it had better be.

Me: Exactly.

Nell: The Weather Guardians tell me you’re due for another sunny day.

Me: We are. How about you?

Nell: It’s sunshine all the way up here.

Me: I like to think of you in the sunshine.

Nell: It’s birthday week so what are your plans?

Me: Birthday week?

Nell: Your sister Charlotte has a birthday on Wednesday and David and Harriet have a birthday on Friday.

Me: Well, obviously there will be cake.

Nell: The Puppies have to have a party.

Me: Maybe they’d prefer afternoon tea? They’re going to be nine.

Nell: What’s age got to do with anything?

Me: True.

Nell: You should have both.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: I usually am. I hope you’re having a Sunday roast and not some ridiculous salad.

Me: Salads are lovely in hot weather.

Nell: I don’t believe it.

Me: Herr Hoffmann’s taking Frau Hoffmann out for lunch by the sea.

Nell: To the Cottage Hotel?

Me: Yes.

Nell: I’m not sure they allow bears in the dining room.

Me: They’re going to sit outside.

Nell: Is Sunday Songs outside today?

Me: Yes. It’s at the Recreation Ground.

Nell: Don’t forget to wear a hat.

Me: I won’t. We’re celebrating summer so I’m expecting lots of hats.

Nell: The Welsh Corgi Choir aren’t dressing as flowers again, are they?

Me: I hope so. If I was a flower I’d like to be a daisy.

Nell: Don’t even think about it.

Me: Sorry.

Me: How are you this sunny Saturday?

Nell: Enjoying a cup of Earl Grey tea with Mutley in the garden. I know why Nigel’s hiding behind the door.

Me: Why?

Nell: He’s ashamed to be best friends with a cat.

Me: No. He’s just trying to keep an eye on everything and there’s nothing wrong with having Xav the Cat as his best friend.

Nell: It’s a cat.

Me: They love each other, Nell, and I think it’s wonderful to see them cuddling up together.

Nell: Cuddling a cat. Whatever next?

Me: I love cuddling cats. They have soft fur.

Nell: Don’t let David hear that.

Me: I don’t do it when Dave and Harriet are there.

Nell: Good.

Me: You and The Cat were friends.

Nell: The Cat is different.

Me: You’re telling me. It was wearing sparkling Wellington boots the other day.

Nell: The Cat was wearing Wellington boots?

Me: It was raining.

Nell: Cats don’t like rain.

Me: It was meeting Dorothy.

Nell: My friend Dorothy?

Me: Yes. I think they were going to search for Henry and Horst.

Nell: Any news on that front?

Me: Only a ‘Wish You Were Here’ postcard from the seaside.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: People used to send postcards to loved ones saying ‘wish you were here’.

Nell: I know that.

Me: Typical of Henry and Horst to go retro.

Nell: Never mind the retro part. Wish you were where?

Me: Oh, I see. I’m not absolutely sure where. There were two deckchairs on the beach so they’re obviously having fun.

Nell: Were there two woodlice on the chairs?

Me: They’re far too small to see, Nell.

Nell: I was joking. I don’t think they make postcards with woodlice on them.

Me: No, of course not. Silly me. Sorry.

Nell: How was the visit to your mother’s grave?

Me: Extremely healing, to be honest. The weather was awful but it didn’t matter at all.

Nell: The Weather Guardians told me it should improve this weekend.

Me: The church is at the top of the hill overlooking beautiful countryside and the rain and mist only added to it all.

Nell: If you say so. It looks cold to me. Especially for June.

Me: I talked to my mother for a while, said a little prayer in the church and then Kev and I took Dave and Harriet for a walk.

Nell: I remember going there with you several times.

Me: You usually went with me, didn’t you?

Nell: I did.

Me: Do you remember when we first scattered her ashes there with the family and all went to lunch at the country hotel nearby afterwards?

Nell: I do. There was a lovely open fire and comfortable sofas, as I recall.

Me: We were having lunch in the private dining room when I suddenly realised you had gone.

Nell: It was far too noisy in there.

Me: You were next door in the lounge sleeping on one of the sofas in front of the fire.

Nell: It was most comfortable.

Me: The manager asked you to get off but you refused.

Nell: Sofas are to be sat upon.

Me: By the guests.

Nell: I was a guest.

Me: It’s actually one of our favourite memories. Kev and I talked about it yesterday. You were such a character.

Nell: I still am, thank you very much.

Me: I’m glad Dave and Harriet came with me this time.

Nell: So am I.

Me: Nigel went with Charlotte earlier that day.

Nell: Of course he did. It’s what we dogs do.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: There’s your mother in her garden with Seamus and baby Nigel.

Me: It’s a lovely photo, isn’t it? Can you believe it’s nine years today since she died?

Nell: A sad day.

Me: I remember it was a Sunday and a sunny day. As I drove home from the hospice I looked up at the sky and hoped she was safe and no longer in such pain.

Nell: She was and is. She’s with her beloved husband John and your little sister Alex and they are all watching over you.

Me: Yes.

Nell: I know this is always a difficult day for you so try and take things easy, please.

Me: This year is the first time I’m facing it without you by my side.

Nell: I’m always by your side.

Me: It’s different now. I can’t cuddle you.

Nell: I never particularly liked cuddles.

Me: You know what I mean.

Nell: David and Harriet are there and Kev gives the best hugs.

Me: He does.

Nell: What are your plans today?

Me: We’re going to put some flowers on my mother’s grave and then go for a walk with Dave and Harriet.

Nell: Poppy says your mother would want you to have a cream tea.

Me: She probably would.

Nell: And a glass of champagne.

Me: Maybe at the weekend when Charlotte is visiting us.

Nell: It’s her birthday next Wednesday, isn’t it?

Me: Yes, so we might have a pre-birthday celebration as we won’t see her on her actual birthday.

Nell: Good idea. You can toast your mother then.

Me: I still miss her so much, Nell.

Nell: I know you do. It doesn’t matter how old you are. Your mother is your mother and tears show your love.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: No sorries. Not today.

Me: The many faces of Dave.

Nell: Are you still thinking about that dream?

Me: It was so real.

Nell: David is fine. Any news on Henry and Horst?

Me: You’re not going to believe this.

Nell: I might.

Me: Dave received a voice note from them on his iBone.

Nell: Well, that’s a relief.

Me: Sent several days ago.

Nell: Why didn’t he pick it up before now?

Me: He listened to it but he thought it was empty.

Nell: But David has keen ears.

Me: To be fair they are softly spoken.

Nell: What did it say?

Me: They’ve gone away for a while.

Nell: We know that. Why?

Me: They didn’t say.

Nell: Where?

Me: They didn’t say that either.

Nell: Well, that’s most unhelpful.

Me: At least we know they weren’t taken by force.

Nell: Unless someone made them send it.

Me: Don’t say that.

Nell: Have you listened to it?

Me: Yes. I couldn’t hear a thing apart from rustling.

Nell: Maybe you should ask for a transcription?

Me: According to Dave it was literally just ‘This is Henry and Horst. We’ve gone away for a while’.

Nell: It all sounds rather fishy to me. When you say ‘rustling’ what do you mean?

Me: Like grass in the wind.

Nell: Or feathers?

Me: Woodlice don’t have feathers.

Nell: No, but seagulls do.

Me: Do you think the Beefies are involved?

Nell: It’s coming up to peak Grockle season.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Beefy thieving is at its height.

Me: I know.

Nell: Henry and Horst are working with Sally and her team to try and stop them.

Me: But how much can a woodlouse actually do?

Nell: Henry and Horst are trained operatives. They have years of experience in the surveillance field.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Nell: You look terrible.

Me: I had a horrible dream that Dave slipped his lead and ran away.

Nell: That’s because Henry and Horst have gone missing.

Me: We were staying in a big city like Toronto and I was calling and calling for him but he’d gone.

Nell: It was just a dream.

Me: I went to the police and asked them to look out for a giant black Labrador.

Nell: Can I stop you right there, please? As you can see, David is fine. He’s looking up the stairs in a concerned way because he knows you’re worrying about him.

Me: No, he’s looking at Harriet because she won’t come downstairs.

Nell: Why not?

Me: I don’t like to say it, but sometimes Harriet can be a little bit of an Attention Seeker.

Nell: Surely not?

Me: I think she might get that from you.

Nell: From me?

Me: You always liked to be the centre of attention.

Nell: Nonsense. I demand attention when I need it which is something entirely different. Why were you and David in Toronto?

Me: I think it was because I was talking to Chris last night. Poor little Marvin has a bad ear infection and had to go to the vets so I was worried about him.

Nell: I see. Well, it obviously all came together in one horrible dream but that’s all it was.

Me: Yes. When I woke up I still felt upset and called out for Dave immediately.

Nell: And did he come running to you?

Me: He didn’t need to. He was asleep right next to my bed like he always is. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. We had a wonderful cuddle.

Nell: We’re going to find Henry and Horst. Don’t you worry about that.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: It’s nice to see David smiling.

Me: He’s always happy when he’s out on a walk.

Nell: How was Sunday Songs?

Me: There were an awful lot of hats.

Nell: Any sign of Henry and Horst?

Me: No. The Welsh Corgi Choir were all wearing Sou’wester rain hats so a woodlouse couldn’t hide on there.

Nell: Why not?

Me: Too slippery.

Nell: Why would Henry and Horst be hiding?

Me: Woodlice are always hiding.

Nell: Not when they want to be found.

Me: We don’t know they want to be found.

Nell: I suppose they could be on a mission.

Me: We’ve had sightings elsewhere.

Nell: Why didn’t you say that before? Where?

Me: An elderly pug is certain he saw two woodlice HatHiking near the bus station a few days ago but then he thought David was a small pony so I’m not sure he’s that reliable.

Nell: HatHiking?

Me: Getting a lift on a hat. Apparently it’s quite the thing among smaller non-winged creatures.

Nell: Wouldn’t it have been easier to get on a bus?

Me: They need to get up the steps.

Nell: True.

Me: I’m starting to think they might have gone to North Devon to visit their relatives.

Nell: They could have sent a postcard.

Me: Or just left a note.

Nell: Maybe they did and you haven’t found it yet.

Me: It’s probably very small and written on a leaf.

Nell: Didn’t you say Kev was going to mow the garden?

Me: Yes, the grass is really long after all that rain.

Nell: You realise Henry and Horst might simply be stuck in the long grass, don’t you? Has anybody looked properly?

Me: Dave and Harriet had a snoofle and roll.

Nell: You can’t let them roll on the grass.

Me: No. Sorry.

Nell: I notice David is wearing his feathered hat.

Me: Yes. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. It was Henry and Horst’s favourite hat.

Nell: Less of the ‘was’ please. It still is.

Me: Sunday Songs is going to be all about woodlice and hats so Dave thought it would be right to wear it.

Nell: Good. You need to keep an eye out for unusual hats and any signals.

Me: Signals?

Nell: If Henry and Horst are on anyone’s hat they are going to try and let you know.

Me: Unless they’re undercover. Can woodlice jump?

Nell: Jump?

Me: If they’re on a hat and see another safer hat, like Dave’s, could they jump onto it?

Nell: Henry and Horst can do anything if they put their minds to it.

Me: True.

Nell: I see Nigel is visiting you for the weekend.

Me: He usually does, Nell.

Nell: I hope he’s behaving.

Me: He’s being a very good boy.

Nell: Will there be bacon sandwiches for breakfast?

Me: Of course. Herr Hoffmann is making them as we speak.

Nell: Poppy is making pancakes.

Me: Is there a lot of tossing them into the air?

Nell: Way too much. One fell on Mutley’s head.

Me: Poppy always cooks with panache.

Nell: She does.

Me: You’ll be pleased to hear we’re having roast beef for lunch with Yorkshire puddings.

Nell: Poppy has decided on roast pork for us with crackling and apple sauce.

Me: I’ve never been a fan of crackling.

Nell: You’re missing out.

Me: I like apple sauce. Are you having roast potatoes?

Nell: Yes, and carrots and parsnips and lots of vegetables from the garden.

Me: So you have a garden?

Nell: We have everything.

Me: Who looks after it?

Nell: The Gardening Guardians. Do keep up.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: There’s Marvin. I haven’t seen him in a while.

Me: Look at his sweet smile.

Nell: Charming.

Me: He’s so happy that Chris and Shannon are home again.

Nell: I’m sure he is.

Me: You used to be furious with me when I’d go to Portugal for a few weeks with my mother without you.

Nell: Nonsense.

Me: You wouldn’t talk to me for the first few days.

Nell: You should have taken me with you.

Me: I couldn’t take you on the plane, Nell.

Nell: You took me everywhere.

Me: I thought about you all the time I was away.

Nell: Moving on, is there any news of Henry and Horst?

Me: No. We’ve put posters up in the village and Dave’s out canvassing.

Nell: Canvassing? This isn’t an election.

Me: He’s going door to door.

Nell: Is David wearing a hat?

Me: Yes, the feathered one.

Nell: Henry and Horst loved that hat.

Me: I know. I have a rather difficult question, Nell.

Nell: Ask away. Difficult questions don’t bother me.

Me: Can woodlice be Guardians?

Nell: Of course.

Me: If there were new woodlice Guardians, would you know?

Nell: Of course not. I’m not a Terrestrial Crustacean.

Me: I beg your pardon?

Nell: That’s what a woodlouse is.

Me: I thought it was an insect. Henry and Horst ran the Insect Surveillance Team.

Nell: You can run something and not be something.

Me: True.

Nell: If you’re asking me if they’re up here, my answer would be probably not.

Me: Why?

Nell: It would be nigh-on impossible for me to find them but they could easily find me and they would.

Me: Aren’t there an awful lot of dog Guardians?

Nell: Absolutely, but Henry and Horst are trained professionals. They can find anyone.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: How’s the search for Henry and Horst going?

Me: Dave and Harriet saw some cows in a field and Dave climbed a really high hill.

Nell: A really high hill?

Me: Well, it was quite high.

Nell: Henry and Horst are woodlice. How are they supposed to get up there?

Me: How do they get anywhere?

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: They’re usually on somebody’s hat.

Nell: That’s it!

Me: Is it?

Nell: Yes. You need to look out for unusual hats.

Me: Unusual hats?

Nell: Yes. Or people wearing hats who wouldn’t normally be wearing hats.

Me: Right?

Nell: Or people wearing hats in an uncomfortable way.

Me: Like back to front?

Nell: No.

Me: Inside out?

Nell: Don’t be silly. In an awkward, secretive way.

Me: Does it have to be people?

Nell: No. Animals are more likely.

Me: Your friend Dorothy was wearing a really flamboyant feathered hat rather awkwardly the other day.

Nell: It isn’t Dorothy.

Me: You don’t know that. Henry and Horst might have asked her for a lift?

Nell: Have you put up Missing posters in the village?

Me: Not yet. We don’t have a recent photo.

Nell: Recent photo?

Me: Yes.

Nell: How much do you think woodlice change?

Me: Everyone changes, Nell. We all get a little greyer.

Nell: Woodlice are grey.

Me: Oh yes.

Nell: It’s far more important that people know they are missing.

Me: True. Would a wig count?

Nell: A wig?

Me: There’s a Jack Russell Terrier in the village with a rather ill-fitting toupee.

Nell: How long has it been wearing it?

Me: Quite a while.

Nell: Unlikely.

Me: So Romeo isn’t under suspicion. He’s been wearing a wig for years.

Nell: Romeo is a Beefy. Seagulls are all under suspicion.

Me: Yes. Sorry.