Me: Can we talk about horseflies?

Nell: If we must.

Me: Harriet hates them and so do I.

Nell: They’re extremely tiresome creatures.

Me: They bite.

Nell: They certainly do.

Me: They’re good for nothing.

Nell: Actually they’re a major food source for many creatures. Birds, frogs, lizards, and other insects eat them. For example, wasps like the horse guard hunt them to feed their young. 

Me: I can’t stand wasps, either.

Nell: Male horseflies and non-biting females spend most of their time on flowers. Because they are very hairy, they easily carry pollen from bloom to bloom. 

Me: Fine. They have a purpose, but why do they have to bite me so hard?

Nell: Only the females bite. They need the protein for their young.

Me: How come you know so much about them?

Nell: If you must know, Poppy has made friends with a male horsefly.

Me: Why?

Nell: It wants to be a pirate.

Me: I’ve heard it all now. I can’t believe you have horseflies up there.

Nell: Even horseflies need Guardians.

Me: I suppose they do.

Nell: Poppy has quite an eclectic mix of Guardians in her pirate class.

Me: Pirate class? What do they learn?

Nell: Sword fighting, cutlass waving, stealing and looting.

Me: Seriously?

Nell: Not the stealing and looting. If you ask me it’s just any old excuse to wear a pirate’s hat.

Me: Fair enough.

Nell: Anyway, Poppy and Marcus have really hit it off.

Me: Marcus? The horsefly is called Marcus?

Nell: Why not?

Me: I imagined it being called Dracula.

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. It’s not a bat.

Me: I hope Marcus hasn’t tried to bite Poppy.

Nell: He wouldn’t dare and it’s the females who bite.

Me: Oh yes, I forgot.

Nell: Conversations involve listening.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: David looks a little disgruntled.

Me: He’s finding it difficult to accept the heatwave and the very high pollen count.

Nell: Aren’t we all?

Me: Don’t tell me you have a heatwave up there?

Nell: Not exactly.

Me: Or a high pollen count?

Nell: We might have, but it doesn’t affect us.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: We have everything nice and nothing nasty.

Me: I’m very glad to hear it.

Nell: There are seagulls up here, but no Beefies.

Me: They’ve probably all gone down there.

Nell: Droll. Guardians relinquish any Badness and make a fresh start.

Me: How’s Poppy doing with that?

Nell: Badly. The pirate instinct has not left her, I’m afraid.

Me: Did you know pirates wore eye patches not because they’d injured an eye but because they had to go below deck in the dark and having an eye patch meant one eye was always used to darkness and could see?

Nell: I’m not telling her that. The sword and hat are bad enough.

Me: It also explains why they swapped sides.

Nell: Have you quite finished?

Me: I thought it was interesting.

Nell: Could we get back to David, please?

Me: He wants to go out and he can’t until the early evening when it’s cooler.

Nell: Quite right.

Me: He says Rupert goes out.

Nell: Rupert’s a grown wolf with a business to run.

Me: Dave’s a grown Labrador, to be fair, and Rupert is mainly delivering popsicles to dehydrated seagulls.

Nell: I hope they’re paying him.

Me: Only in devotion. He’s quite the Beefy Hero nowadays.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: They all shout ‘Pops’ when they see him.

Nell: It’s better than ‘Me’ I suppose.

Me: It’s actually rather sweet.

Nell: It’s about ice lollies, not Rupert.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Look at darling Nigel sitting next to the lavender. He loves the smell of it.

Nell: So do I.

Me: Same here, but I don’t like it in food.

Nell: Don’t put it in food then.

Me: Some people do.

Nell: Well, they shouldn’t. You look dreadful, by the way. Did you have a bad night?

Me: I woke up around 2:45am and started following the England v Mexico football match.

Nell: Why on earth did you do that?

Me: I had to know what was happening and it was so exciting.

Nell: It was the middle of the night. You’re a grandmother. You need your sleep.

Me: We won!

Nell: I know that, thank you very much. Poppy has been walking around draped in an England flag all morning.

Me: Did she watch the match?

Nell: Of course, and so did Mutley. He’s fast asleep now.

Me: I didn’t get back to sleep until 5am and now I’m awake again.

Nell: You must be very tired.

Me: I am.

Nell: Go back to sleep now.

Me: I can’t.

Nell: I’m guessing you’re definitely not going to be the only one who is tired today.

Me: No. I think there are going to be a lot of us.

Nell: You might have to have an easy day.

Me: I’ll probably have a nap this afternoon.

Nell: Did Dave and Harriet watch the match too?

Me: No, they were fast asleep.

Nell: Sensible animals. No, I do not want a scone.

Me: I didn’t offer you one.

Nell: I’m talking to Poppy. She’s made red and white England scones with jam and cream.

Me: What a good idea.

Nell: That’s not the point. Scones are for afternoon tea. It’s breakfast time. Toast and marmalade is quite sufficient.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: So, how did it go at the Village Fun Day?

Me: It was quite eventful.

Nell: Did David win Most Handsome Hound?

Me: No, but he and Harriet were runners-up in three classes with Highly Commended.

Nell: Runners-up?

Me: Yes, second place.

Nell: I know what it means. Which classes?

Me: Harriet was second in a particularly keenly fought class for The Waggiest Tail.

Nell: She likes wagging her tail.

Me: Dave came second in The Cheekiest Dog and lost out to a very tiny whippet for The Dog The Judges Would Most Like To Take Home.

Nell: What did David do that was cheeky?

Me: I’d prefer not to say.

Nell: Tell me now.

Me: He cocked his leg as he was walking around.

Nell: Typical boy.

Me: The audience loved it.

Nell: Was he disappointed to lose?

Me: Not at all. He enjoyed the attention.

Nell: And Harriet?

Me: She didn’t like it very much. I think she prefers anonymity.

Nell: She’s a spy. They like to keep in the shadows.

Me: True.

Nell: Did Rupert receive his award?

Me: Yes, and the Beefy Choir sang ‘For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow’.

Nell; That sounds dreadful.

Me: It did, but they meant well.

Nell: Is the Welsh Corgi Choir still singing today?

Me: Yes. Sunday Songs must go on.

Nell: I hope there was cake yesterday.

Me: Yes, I bought a delicious homemade coffee and walnut cake for everyone to share.

Nell: Don’t let the llamas near the coffee. They’re excitable enough already.

Me: Anyway, today is a day of rest. Salad for lunch, Wimbledon, and an early evening walk.

Nell: Poppy has Wimbledon on while she cooks.

Me: Does she have a television in the kitchen?

Nell: No. On Guardian Radio. Do keep up.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: Nigel looks overexcited.

Me: It’s Saturday.

Nell: It’s Saturday every weekend.

Me: And we’re going to the Village Fun Day at the primary school.

Nell: I know. You told me.

Me: Gladys and the Llamas are Gliding.

Nell: Yes, and the Welsh Corgi Choir are singing.

Me: And Knitwear Wolf is getting an OBE from Stephen Seagull.

Nell: I don’t approve of that at all.

Me: But Rupert’s wearing a top hat, Nell, and he looks awfully handsome.

Nell: He shouldn’t be accepting an award from the Beefies.

Me: He’s going to be their special envoy. Seagulls all over the world will know he is a friend.

Nell: Which is exactly why he shouldn’t accept it. You can’t be friends with a Beefy.

Me: Rupert can.

Nell: He’s going to regret this. Mark my paws.

Me: Anyway, I haven’t even told you the biggest news yet.

Nell: I can’t wait.

Me: Dave’s been asked to take part in the Dog Show.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: One of our neighbours said he must enter for the Handsomest Hound.

Nell: David is indeed handsome but this will all end in tears.

Me: Why?

Nell: Remember the Dog Show in 2018?

Me: Yes, Dave won a rosette.

Nell: He entered almost every class.

Me: I know. His rosette said ‘Well Done’ and we had a photo taken with the judges.

Nell: He didn’t win any of them.

Me: It didn’t matter. He had fun and everyone loved him.

Nell: I see.

Me: Sometimes it isn’t about winning, Nell. It’s about taking part.

Nell: You’re right.

Me: I am, sometimes. Doesn’t Dave look young in that photo? He was only one and now he’s nine.

Nell: Age is just a number. David will always be your Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: The lovely thing about summer is how long it stays light.

Nell: Yes, sunset walks are particularly enjoyable.

Me: Dave and Harriet certainly enjoy them.

Nell: So, what are your plans for the weekend?

Me: Well, it’s the Village Fun Day up at the primary school tomorrow so we’re all going to that.

Nell: Will Gladys and the llamas be performing?

Me: Yes. An interpretive dance and some Gliding.

Nell: And the Welsh Corgi Choir?

Me: They’ll be singing for most of the afternoon.

Nell: With the Whippets Institute Big Band?

Me: Yes, and unfortunately the Beefy Choir.

Nell: Oh dear. Couldn’t they be stopped?

Me: Stephen Seagull told Rupert they were so grateful for the life-saving popsicles they wanted to give something back.

Nell: Screeching their way through a few songs is not giving something back and life-saving popsicles is a little over the top.

Me: I think they really do appreciate Rupert’s kindness, Nell. He’s become quite a hero in the seagull community.

Nell: Rupert’s a hero in any community.

Me: There’s even talk of him receiving an OBE.

Nell: Officer of the Order of the British Empire? From the King?

Me: No. Onourable Beefy Envoy from Stephen Seagull.

Nell: Honourable is spelt with an h.

Me: Beefies don’t care about spelling.

Nell: Rupert can’t be their envoy. He’s a wolf.

Me: I don’t think he has to be a seagull.

Nell: Is he going to accept?

Me: It’s just a rumour at the moment but I think he might.

Nell: Rupert is becoming an honorary Beefy. Whatever next?

Me: You mean an onorary Beefy. See what I did there?

Nell: Poppy isn’t going to believe this when I tell her.

Me: How is she?

Nell: Baking scones. At least some things don’t change.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Dave’s sulking about The Popsicle Run.

Nell: Oh dear.

Me: He’s sitting next to my bed and won’t get on it.

Nell: Some people say dogs shouldn’t be on beds.

Me: I know, but I’m not one of them. I like cuddling you all on the bed.

Nell: Maybe David just needs some time to think?

Me: He’s not thinking, he’s definitely sulking.

Nell: How is The Popsicle Run going?

Me: Rupert says demand is far outweighing supply. His words.

Nell: Seagulls never have enough of anything and Beefies are the worst.

Me: I honestly think Rupert enjoys it. He always comes back with a smile and is full of stories about how greedy they are.

Nell: Interesting.

Me: They’ve started demanding different flavours.

Nell: How rude.

Me: Herr Hoffmann can’t keep up with it all so he’s handed over the reins to Manuel.

Nell: Does he ride a horse?

Me: No, he’s an octopus, Nell.

Nell: I know.

Me: From Barcelona. Why bring a horse into it?

Nell: You’re the one who started it.

Me: Did I? No, Manuel is just good at making popsicles.

Nell: It’s the tentacles.

Me: We call him The Popsicle Prince.

Nell: Whatever next?

Me: Anyway, Dave wanted to help make the popsicles but Manuel politely declined.

Nell: Oh dear.

Me: I think it was because of the Strawberry Fiasco.

Nell: The what?

Me: Herr Hoffmann had organised strawberries and cream for the start of Wimbledon.

Nell: A British tradition.

Me: Yes, but the strawberries had gone.

Nell: All of them?

Me: I’m sure it was by mistake and I think Dave had a sore tummy afterwards.

Nell: That’s why he’s sulking.

Me: He’s recovered now.

Nell: You can recover from something but the memory of it still lingers on.

Me: True. Sorry.

Nell: What a lovely photo of you and Alice.

Me: Chris sent it over to me and I thought it would be nice to share it with you all.

Nell: Where was it taken?

Me: In Toronto last summer at Chris and Shannon’s wedding. Alice had just given a speech and I’d read a poem I’d written for them.

Nell: You can see in your faces how happy you are and how much they are loved.

Me: Yes, I think you can. There were a lot of happy tears.

Nell: The best kind.

Me: It was such a lovely wedding.

Nell: What are the Puppies doing in that field?

Me: Lounging around in the daisies. They love lying in the cool grass.

Nell: I remember. I can hardly see Harriet.

Me: She likes to hide.

Nell; Now, today is the first of the month so you need to share the link to the website where people can buy you a cup of Earl Grey.

Me: It’s https://buymeacoffee.com/saramartin. Thank you so much in advance for the support. We really appreciate it.

Nell: Yes, we do. Talking of writing, isn’t today Wednesday Writers?

Me: It is. I have a workshop this morning.

Nell: You always enjoy seeing the other writers, don’t you?

Me; I do. Writing is a solitary activity so it’s good to be around others now and again.

Nell: Even if it’s only on the screen.

Me: Do you have screens up there?

Nell: We have everything although I prefer a game of Bridge.

Me: The Cat and Dorothy will be pleased to hear you’re still playing.

Nell: Yes.

Me: Apparently they’re quite a team.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: Don’t begrudge them that, Nell.

Nell: You don’t have teams in Bridge. You have partners.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Nell: What’s the matter with David?

Me: He’s really grumpy. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Something must have happened. He isn’t usually like this.

Me: I know. Dave has a sunny disposition. Bless him.

Nell: What’s going on?

Me: Knitwear Wolf doesn’t want to take him on The Popsicle Run.

Nell: Is Rupert still doing that?

Me: He only just started.

Nell: But the Weather Guardians say it’s not going to be hot again until the weekend.

Me: Well, the Beefies are still dehydrated. Rupert says they’re collapsing before his eyes.

Nell: Are you serious?

Me: Yes. The only thing helping them back on their little webbed feet is an ice-cold popsicle.

Nell: It’s trickery.

Me: No, it really helps.

Nell: They’re just using Rupert as an ice cream van.

Me: He doesn’t drive a van. He rides a motorbike. And there’s no room for Dave because the sidecar is full of frozen ice lollies.

Nell: They’re not dehydrated. They’re falling over like llamas to get a free lolly.

Me: But it’s making Rupert ever so happy. He comes back for the next batch smiling away.

Nell: The next batch?

Me: Do you know how many seagulls live around here?

Nell: How many Popsicle Runs is he doing?

Me: Loads. As soon as Herr Hoffmann’s frozen one batch he’s back for another. We’ve had to get a second freezer.

Nell: I don’t believe it.

Me: It makes sense. Everyone loves popsicles and the grandchildren are visiting soon.

Nell: Well, I’m on David’s side. This is ridiculous.

Me: It’s not ridiculous. It’s kind. And Rupert is a kind wolf.

Nell: He’s a gullible wolf.

Me: Maybe he doesn’t mind if the Beefies aren’t really dehydrated? Maybe he just likes making them happy?

Nell: Maybe you’re right?

Me: I am. Sorry.

Nell: Are Kev and David on the same page?

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: They’re looking in different directions.

Me: They’re checking the crops.

Nell: Are they?

Me: Yes, it’s part of their routine. They find it fascinating.

Nell: What about Harriet?

Me: She isn’t too bothered. She just loves to run.

Nell: Until she doesn’t.

Me: Then she rolls on her back in the grass.

Nell: I find it’s always good to have a little break now and again.

Me: I agree. How was your walk in the park with Charlie?

Nell: Delightful. We sat in the shade of a big oak tree and put your world to rights.

Me: You have trees?

Nell: We have everything.

Me: How was the skateboarding?

Nell: Poppy says Mutley was too reckless and she’s not taking him with her again.

Me: I find that very hard to believe.

Nell: Mutley has become quite the thrill-seeker since he became a Guardian.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: It’s Monday so what are the plans for today?

Me: I’m not a fan of Mondays, as you know, but this one is quite busy.

Nell: Why?

Me: Everyone seems to have lots to do.

Nell: What?

Me: I’m going to the gym.

Nell: Madness.

Me: For my aqua class.

Nell: Fine.

Me: Kev’s got lots of appointments in town.

Nell: Ok.

Me: Dave and Harriet are going to be busy Waiting.

Nell: For you to come back?

Me: Yes. Herr Hoffmann’s making lunch with Malcolm and Manuel.

Nell: Another salad?

Me: Tuna pasta.

Nell: I like that.

Me: I remember. And Knitwear Wolf’s doing A Popsicle Run.

Nell: A Popsicle Run?

Me: Yes. Ice lollies for the dehydrated seagulls.

Nell: You know there will be hidden Beefies amongst them, don’t you?

Me: Dehydrated is dehydrated, Nell. Sorry.