Me: Are you resting your head on Harriet’s back?

Nell: Harriet doesn’t mind. She’s used to David.

Me: I expect she’s glad of the affection. You know she and Dave waited outside for hours yesterday thinking the children were coming back.

Nell: I told them it was nonsense and they were on their way to Berlin but they wouldn’t believe me.

Me: Well, it turns out they were right.

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: Alice and the children aren’t in Berlin. They’re in a hotel near London Heathrow.

Nell: What happened?

Me: She received a text from British Airways when she was nearly at the airport.

Nell: Everyone texts nowadays. What’s wrong with a friendly phone call, or a letter?

Me: It said they were having to cancel her flight to Berlin.

Nell: But she was due to fly in a few hours.

Me: I know. At the airport there was nobody willing to help her from British Airways.

Nell: That’s outrageous. She was alone with two small children, three suitcases and an enormous rucksack.

Me: All she was told was that she had to rebook online.

Nell: And did she?

Me: Yes. She finally managed to get a flight today.

Nell: But that meant staying the night.

Me: She had to organise a hotel and pay upfront.

Nell: And nobody helped her?

Me: Nobody at all. As she said to me, what would you do if you didn’t have a phone, or access to the internet?

Nell: That’s dreadful.

Me: I’ve had flights cancelled and changed in the past but there was always someone there to help me.

Nell: Let’s hope it all goes smoothly today.

Me: I shall be tracking their flight.

Nell: You’ll be getting the house ready. There’s a viewing at lunchtime.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: I know this is a difficult day.

Me: It is.

Nell: Saying goodbye is never easy.

Me: No.

Nell: But you’ve made some wonderful memories.

Me: We have.

Nell: That will stay with you for ever.

Me: They will.

Nell: The children have had a marvellous holiday.

Me: I hope so.

Nell: I know so.

Me: You dogs are going to miss them dreadfully.

Nell: We are.

Me: But it’s time for them to go home.

Nell: It is.

Me: Andre will be so happy to see them.

Nell: He will.

Me: I wish we lived nearer.

Nell: But then you wouldn’t live in such a beautiful place.

Me: That’s true.

Nell: We’re all exactly where we should be for now.

Me: Who knows where we will be the next time they visit.

Nell: Wherever we are it will be home and that’s all that matters.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Remember home is not only a place it’s a feeling.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Now, eat your porridge and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: Herr Hoffmann is busy making them a picnic.

Me: Bless him.

Nell: Lots of small sandwiches and tiny cakes perfect for the little ones to snack on during the journey.

Me: They have an awful lot of travelling to do today.

Nell: Travelling is exciting when you’re young.

Me: They really love going by train. The journey to London goes right along by the sea.

Nell: You will feel better once you’re home with us again.

Me: Yes, and we have the house to get ready.

Nell: Again?

Me: We have another viewing tomorrow lunchtime. Let’s hope someone puts an offer in soon.

Nell: They will. Now get yourself ready to take them to the station. You can do this.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: You’re looking rather regal.

Nell: I’m waiting for you to join me for a cup of Earl Grey and a chat.

Me: How lovely.

Nell: I thought you could tell me about the wonderful walk you all enjoyed to the lighthouse yesterday.

Me: It was amazing, Nell. The views were spectacular.

Nell: Rumour has it you saw Sir Roger Blubbery. I know it is one of his favourite places to swim.

Me: I thought I saw him and was really excited but it was just a man with flippers.

Nell: An easy mistake to make.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Would I have enjoyed the walk?

Me: In your younger days, but now it would have been too far.

Nell: Such is life. I can enjoy it through your photos.

Me: Yes. I have to rely on photos a lot too, nowadays. But it means I can imagine myself there.

Nell: Now, the family leave tomorrow, so you are bound to be feeling a little low.

Me: I am, to be honest.

Nell: The good news is Alice is returning next week.

Me: Yes, she has a conference in Brighton so she’s coming to stay with us for a few days before that.

Nell: So, it isn’t goodbye at all. It’s see you again very soon.

Me: Yes. I’m going to miss the children.

Nell: We all are.

Me: I don’t know what the puppies are going to do without them.

Nell: They will cope. They have each other.

Me: And you.

Nell: Always.

Me: I wish.

Nell: Enough of all that, we have potatoes to peel and carrots to chop.

Me: I thought Herr Hoffmann was organising the Monday roast?

Nell: I was talking figuratively. Life goes on. Let’s make the most of it while we can.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I know that look. What have I done now?

Nell: Faye and Jonny were just telling me about the delicious tea they enjoyed yesterday at the Cottage Hotel.

Me: Yes, it was lovely.

Nell: They had hot chocolate in china teacups served from a huge silver pot.

Me: They did and they loved it.

Nell: You know it’s my favourite hotel.

Me: There wasn’t any room in the car.

Nell: Ha! There was space between the children because Kev stayed behind.

Me: Kev stayed behind to walk you dogs.

Nell: Oh yes. I forgot that.

Me: Gotcha!

Nell: Don’t be vulgar. Moving on, Herr Hoffmann tells me our Sunday roast has been moved to Monday.

Me: Yes. The weather is supposed to be awful tomorrow and it’s the children’s last day, so we thought board games and a delicious roast chicken with all the trimmings might be just the thing.

Nell: Roasts are for Sundays.

Me: Not always.

Nell: Leftovers are for Mondays.

Me: Stop being such a stuck-in-the-mud.

Nell: Why mention mud?

Me: It’s a saying about being inflexible and unwilling to change.

Nell: If change means salad for lunch, I’m not willing.

Me: Lunch is going to be a lovely fry-up.

Nell: So, now you’re moving breakfast to lunch?

Me: You can have a cooked breakfast at any time of the day. It’s more like a lunch, to be honest.

Nell: Don’t expect Sunday Songs to be the same.

Me: Why?

Nell: Dogs sing best after a bacon sandwich. Ask anyone.

Me: Nonsense. You don’t see opera singers scoffing down bacon sandwiches before a performance.

Nell: I was talking about dogs. The Great Barberino, sadly no longer with us, always enjoyed a bacon sandwich before a concert.

Me: But was he singing?

Nell: Very funny.

Me: Sorry.

Me: We had a magical day yesterday.

Nell: We certainly did.

Me: Present opening to the sound of the Welsh Corgi Choir.

Nell: They weren’t supposed to start so early.

Me: They were just keen to join in, Nell.

Nell: They were keen to try a German breakfast.

Me: Followed by lunch out with my sister Charlotte.

Nell: Without me.

Me: There wasn’t room in the car, Nell.

Nell: I was too busy with the Kevstival to lunch, anyway.

Me: Then we took Alice and the children to see the little cottage in need of love in the middle of nowhere.

Nell: Did they like it?

Me: They loved it. It needs a lot doing to it, but the basics are there and it is in the most beautiful location.

Nell: I can see that from the photos.

Me: And nearby we found Corner Cottage Meadow.

Nell: Corner Cottage is where we live now.

Me: Yes, we saw it as a good omen.

Nell: I agree.

Me: And then Kev received a phone call from the estate agents to say the latest people viewing the house loved it.

Nell: Maybe they will put in an offer?

Me: Maybe. We have another viewing next week, too. So, fingers crossed.

Nell: And then you came home to the Kevstival.

Me: Which was amazing. You really outdid yourself.

Nell: I am quite proud of it.

Me: There was so much going on.

Nell: Princess hadn’t told me about the water acrobatics.

Me: Sir Roger Blubbery is much lighter on his fins than I imagined.

Nell: I wish they wouldn’t clap themselves.

Me: It’s a seal thing.

Nell: The pogo race was a little chaotic.

Me: I noticed Lionel King won again.

Nell: Kev loved it and that’s all that matters.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: What is Kev wearing?

Nell: Where’s your hat?

Me: I’m still in my pyjamas, Nell.

Nell: It’s Kev’s birthday. Hats must be worn at all times.

Me: How are the preparations going?

Nell: The Hoffmann have put on a splendid breakfast buffet with English and German specialities.

Me: Perfect.

Nell: I’m afraid David chose a little too much of the English Breakfast by mistake, but there’s plenty more coming.

Me: I might have a German Breakfast.

Nell: You’re getting nothing without a hat.

Me: Alright, Mrs Bossy Boots.

Nell: I’ve written Kev a poem. Would you like to hear it?

Me: Yes. Very much.

Nell: ‘Let’s all shout ‘Hip Hip Hooray!

For Kev is 65 today!’

‘65? Are you quite sure?

Only yesterday he was 64.’

‘Of course he was,

Because, my dear,

His birthday comes

Just once a year.’

‘So it does.

Silly me.

He doesn’t look older 

Than 63.’

‘Fetch the cake,

Where’s his crown?

He’ll need it

Now he’s sitting down.’

‘Light the candles!

Start the singing!

Pogo sticks to the ready!

Who is winning?’

‘Nobody’s winning.

It hasn’t begun.

Racing is for later.

Now is for fun.

Now is for celebrating

A very Dear Man.

Loved by his family

And the rest of the clan.’

‘You’re right,

Get the ice cream!

It has to be mango.

Get David!

And Harriet!

It’s time to tango!’

Me: He’s going to love that.

Nell: I certainly hope so.

Me: Are you ready to tango?

Nell: I think I might leave that to the younger ones.

Me: But if a certain handsome wolf in a forest green cardigan asks you to dance you won’t say no, will you?

Nell: It’s not about me, is it? Just make sure you tango with Kev when he asks you.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Don’t you think Dave is the Best Big Brave Beautiful Boy you ever saw?

Nell: Never mind all that. Why are you up so early?

Me: We have a viewing at 12.

Nell: The family who didn’t turn up?

Me: No. Another family.

Nell: Does Herr Hoffmann know?

Me: I don’t know.

Nell: He can’t just conjure a picnic up out of nothing.

Me: We don’t need a picnic.

Nell: You might not need a picnic, but we do.

Me: We’re just going to go for a lovely stroll by the river, or a swim in Harriet’s case.

Nell: I don’t have time for strolling. It’s Kev’s birthday tomorrow.

Me: I know it is.

Nell: Do you realise how much work goes into coordinating a festival?

Me: Did you just say ‘festival’?

Nell: Yes. It was David’s idea. We’re calling it Kevstival.

Me: Isn’t a party enough?

Nell: No.

Me: Well, I’m afraid the house is going to have to be clean and tidy first.

Nell: The Kevstival is being held outside.

Me: I meant for the prospective buyers.

Nell: The yellow chair is perfectly clean.

Me: That’s just one chair.

Nell: I hope the bouncy castle doesn’t arrive while we’re out.

Me: So do I.

Nell: I suppose the estate agents could sign for it. Leave them a note.

Me: Are you serious?

Nell: Someone has to.

Me: Why is it even arriving today? It’s Kev’s birthday tomorrow.

Nell: The llamas need to practise their bouncing.

Me: Llamas shouldn’t be in bouncy castles. They have sharp hooves.

Nell: They wear slippers for bouncing. All the cloven-hooved animals do. How do you think the sheep are going to bounce?

Me: I didn’t know the sheep were invited.

Nell: They’re not, but where others go they follow.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: I have a few things we need to discuss.

Me: What have I done now?

Nell: It’s not always about you.

Me: That’s a relief.

Nell: Firstly, David is turning the children into puppies.

Me: What?

Nell: They’ve started sleeping in the dog beds, or actually on David’s back.

Me: I know. It’s adorable. My sisters and I were the same with our Golden Retriever, Santa.

Nell: Harriet mothers them, too.

Me: Yes, she’s very protective. Johnny fell off the sofa and she rolled him over to check he was fine.

Nell: I don’t know how they’re going to cope when they leave next week.

Me: They’ll be back home with their father and friends.

Nell: I was talking about the puppies.

Me: Oh.

Nell: And you.

Me: I’m trying not to think about it.

Nell: Good. My second point is we did the prospective buyers an injustice.

Me: They didn’t turn up.

Nell: They were on the beach with no signal so they didn’t see the messages from the estate agents until it was too late.

Me: It was very annoying.

Nell: And they still want to come and see the house.

Me: That’s a good thing, I suppose, but it means we have to go through it all again.

Nell: Such is life. Moving on, my third point is Kev’s birthday.

Me: It’s on Friday.

Nell: Yes, and we cannot allow a viewing on that day.

Me: We might have to.

Nell: I’m not sending back the bouncy castle, or cancelling the Welsh Corgi Choir and the Whippets Institute Big Band.

Me: I see.

Nell: Not to mention the pogo race. The llamas have been practising for days.

Me: I thought we’d given up on the pogo.

Nell: You might have, but others haven’t.

Me: Right. Sorry.

Me: Wasn’t it beautiful down by the river?

Nell: Yes. It’s the perfect place to be on a hot sunny day.

Me: It really is. The children absolutely loved playing in the water.

Nell: Now, have you got over yesterday?

Me: Not really.

Nell: You’d best explain.

Me: We had a phone call yesterday morning from the estate agents to say a family were down here on holiday, and asked to view the house on their way back from the beach as they were nearby.

Nell: You were in two minds whether to agree as it meant dashing around tidying up and getting it all ready.

Me: And changing our plans for the day as we would all have to be out of the house, including you dogs.

Nell: But you still said they could come.

Me: Needs must, I’m afraid.

Nell: And we all evacuated the house leaving it sparkling in the sunshine for the viewers.

Me: It did look rather lovely.

Nell: Instead of your initial plans to go to the beach, we went to the river.

Me: Yes, and we had a lovely time there, too.

Nell: But then Kev got a call from the estate agents.

Me: Yes.

Nell: To say the family hadn’t even turned up.

Me: I’m still a bit furious about it.

Nell: And the estate agents couldn’t reach them on the phone.

Me: So, the long and the short of it is, we did all that last minute tidying and cleaning for nothing.

Nell: Not for nothing. I quite enjoy a tidy house.

Me: Houses aren’t meant to be tidy with children. Especially when they’re on their summer holidays.

Nell: Let’s hope that family were just enjoying the beach too much to leave and nothing went wrong.

Me: Yes. You’re right. Sorry.

Me: Dave doesn’t mind having his hair combed by Faye. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: He enjoys a pamper session.

Me: I’m going to miss watching the Olympics with Dave. We got into all kinds of sports.

Nell: Sport is not my thing.

Me: You spent most of the Olympics asleep in the yellow chair.

Nell: Some of the time with Faye’s legs on top of me.

Me: It was kind of you to let her do that.

Nell: She’s only got little legs.

Me: The Vintage Steam Rally was great fun.

Nell: I’m so glad you enjoyed it. My friend Dorothy said dogs were allowed.

Me: We couldn’t take you with us, Nell. There was no room in the car.

Nell: You could have taken the dog car.

Me: It would have been too far for you to walk. You were much better off at home.

Nell: The Stuffed Nells are back in their box, by the way.

Me: I’d rather call them Cuddle Nells.

Nell: I don’t want them near the Stuffed Tiger.

Me: It’s on top of the wardrobe. How would they get up there?

Nell: The same way as a half eaten banana and a bowl of strawberries.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: Mothew found fruit next to the Stuffed Tiger when he was doing his rounds.

Me: This is outrageous. I can’t have fruit on the top of the wardrobe. It’ll attract all sorts.

Nell: It already has. Whoever is leaving things up there is not to be trusted.

Me: Unless it’s someone who thinks the Stuffed Tiger is hungry?

Nell: It’s stuffed, as you never cease to remind me.

Me: You said you can be stuffed and still eat.

Nell: I was talking about greed, as you well know.

Me: Yes. Sorry.