Nell: You are not going to believe this.

Me: I just might. Is it safe for you to talk?

Nell: Yes, Henry and I are in a car down at the beach. The chauffeur is a rather bad tempered boxer but he’s gone to fetch me an ice cream.

Me: Excellent. The plan was to get you to the beach as that increases our options.

Nell: Well, I hope none of them include riding away on an alpaca because I’ve just seen Gladys in a sombrero on the back of Alejandro.

Me: Good. Poppy must have landed. She flew up in the helicopter with the larger animals.

Nell: I thought Rupert’s choice of outfit was unusual but a hatted Pomeranian on an alpaca takes the biscuit.

Me: Distraction techniques. What is Rupert wearing then?

Nell: A kilt. Henry and Horst were in his sporran.

Me: So where is everyone now?

Nell: I’m fairly sure the Royal Owl Force just flew past and there are a group of flamingos in the lake that definitely weren’t there yesterday.

Me: That’ll be Count Bingo.

Nell: I guessed. There’s also some kind of suspicious looking pirate ship on the horizon captained by a large seal wearing a tiara with a penguin in the crow’s nest carrying a film camera.

Me: Good, but I meant the baddies. Where is Lady Anwen?

Nell: She is back at Osborne House. Rupert ate a bacon sandwich soon after he arrived and has been speaking Welsh ever since so she thought it would be safe for us to accompany Myfanwy to the beach.

Me: Oh no. Not bacon.

Nell: He didn’t really eat it. He put it in his sporran.

Me: But he’s speaking Welsh.

Nell: He’s copying Horst. All woodlice speak Welsh. Do keep up.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Are you able to talk?

Nell: Let me excuse myself for a moment.

Me: Ok. Can you talk now?

Nell: Yes. I’m not in London.

Me: We know.

Nell: Good, because I’m at Osborne House on the Isle of Wight. Lady Anwen told me The Queen was staying here.

Me: You know that isn’t true, don’t you?

Nell: Yes, I do. The wretched bacon has worn off completely now.

Me: Try not to worry. We were able to track you on Find My iBone and help is on its way.

Nell: How?

Me: Rupert set off this morning on his motorbike with Henry and Horst. The others are following by helicopter and boat.

Nell: I don’t think there has to be a land, sea and air rescue.

Me: There does when it’s you, Nell. Absolutely everybody wants to help rescue you.

Nell: How kind.

Me: Joyce is coordinating from Devon, Sally from London and No Good Boyo from Wales.

Nell: But I’m on the Isle of Wight. You don’t need the whole of the UK involved.

Me: I don’t think Scotland and Northern Ireland are involved.

Nell: They still think I’m drugged but I’m not sure I can keep it up for much longer. I don’t understand a word they’re saying when they speak Welsh.

Me: Rupert should arrive today. His cover is that is he’s trying to win Myfanwy back.

Nell: Clever.

Me: Once there, Henry will conceal himself with you and can report back to Horst who will stay with Rupert.

Nell: Thank goodness for Welsh speaking woodlice.

Me: Just don’t rock the boat as we need time to get to you and please wear a hat.

Nell: I’ll steer clear of boats but I refuse to wear a Welsh hat.

Me: You might have to. Sorry.

Me: Nell, thank goodness you called. Where are you? Dave’s barking at the window and Harriet refuses to leave his side.

Nell: Yes. I thought I had better phone even though they told me not to. I’m on my way to London.

Me: What?

Nell: Don’t fuss. Myfanwy is with me and so is Sidney.

Me: No. You have to come back now.

Nell: Lady Anwen kindly sent a car to collect us. She says The Queen is looking forward to seeing me.

Me: The Queen isn’t in London. She’s at Windsor Castle. It’s a trick, Nell.

Nell: Nonsense. I received the invitation yesterday with the royal seal.

Me: Why didn’t you tell me?

Nell: She asked me not to. I was told expressly to keep everything hush hush.

Me: I can’t believe you kept this a secret.

Nell: One doesn’t argue with The Queen.

Me: But it wasn’t really The Queen, Nell. Lady Anwen is behind all of this. She’s The Hunter.

Nell: I despair of you sometimes. I really do. Myfanwy won’t believe this when I tell her.

Me: Don’t tell Myfanwy. She’s part of it, too.

Nell: Honestly, you need to keep that imagination of yours under control.

Me: I’ve been talking to Joyce and Knitwear Wolf.

Nell: And?

Me: We have good reason to believe that Lady Anwen and Myfanwy are working with the Beefies.

Nell: Ridiculous.

Me: You’re in great danger. We think you’ve been exposed to tainted bacon.

Nell: I only ate a little.

Me: Roedd yn ddigon.

Nell: Speak English not gobbledygook.

Me: Good. It seems to be wearing off. I’ll call you back when I’ve spoken to the others.

Nell: Perhaps sooner rather than later.

Me: Just try and act normally until then.

Nell: Easy for you to say.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: What is Dave doing?

Nell: There’s a suspected undercover Beefy in the bushes so David is Keeping an Eye on it.

Me: Are you sure my darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy is the right animal for the job?

Nell: He knows social distancing must be maintained.

Me: Fair enough. Is it speaking in Welsh?

Nell: We don’t know yet.

Me: Talking of Welsh.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: Something is bothering me.

Nell: Wibli Wobli is not a jellyfish.

Me: I never knew you could speak Welsh.

Nell: I can’t.

Me: But you can. You know the words for jellyfish, and bacon, and being bad.

Nell: They just came to me.

Me: The thing is, Nell, that Welsh isn’t really a language that just comes to you.

Nell: What are you trying to say?

Me: Well, I think you might need to consider the possibility, only a small one of course, but still..

Nell: Oh, do get on with it. Mumbling away. ‘Galar da!’

Me: See. You’re doing it again.

Nell: What?

Me: You just said ‘Good grief’ in Welsh.

Nell: Did I? Where did that come?

Me: I’m afraid you might be turning slightly bad.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: Did you find some bacon you haven’t told us about?

Nell: Why?

Me: Harriet said you were licking your lips.

Nell: I had a dry mouth.

Me: You always lick your lips after you’ve eaten something tasty.

Nell: I think David is waving at us.

Me: Stop changing the subject. I think I ought to update Joyce and No Good Boyo.

Nell: There is absolutely no reason to alert the Border Terriers. Lady Anwen was saying to me earlier that I have no need to talk to them.

Me: Lady Anwen? That’s it. I’m telling Joyce. Sorry.

Me: What are you and Harriet doing?

Nell: We’re searching for bacon and Beefies.

Me: Bacon? You can’t be hungry again, Nell. You had poached eggs on toast for breakfast. Aren’t Beefies usually in the sky?

Nell: Not these undercover ones. They hide in the long grass trying to turn good animals bad.

Me: With bacon sandwiches?

Nell: Not always. It depends on the targeted animal.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: They would turn Princess with mackerel, and Malcolm with prawns.

Me: And PC Amanda Panda with scones?

Nell: A lot of people would turn for scones, to be fair. Only Poppy’s, though, obviously.

Me: What about me?

Nell: You’d do anything for a Magnum.

Me: I love ice cream. What happens then?

Nell: They say ‘dim ond anifeiliaid drwg sy’n cael cig moch.’

Me: What does that mean?

Nell: ‘Only bad animals get bacon.’

Me: That’s not true.

Nell: Then they hold the bacon out and say ‘wyt ti’n anifail drwg?’ Which means ‘Are you a bad animal?’

Me: Does anyone ever agree?

Nell: A lot of them do. It’s the combination of Welsh and bacon.

Me: Did you know that the Welsh for jellyfish is ‘Psygod Wibli Wobli‘ which literally translates as ‘wibbly wobbly fish’?

Nell: Nonsense. The Welsh word for jellyfish is ‘pysgod mor.‘

Me: Oh.

Nell: Anyway, stop distracting me. Harriet and I are determined to find one of those undercover Beefies.

Me: It sounds risky to me.

Nell: There is an element of risk but the poached eggs will help.

Me: Are you going to throw one then?

Nell: No, as you pointed out, our tummies are full.

Me: Labradors’ tummies are never full, Nell. You might need to ask Poppy to do this.

Nell: Harriet and I are perfectly capable.

Me: Ok. Sorry.

Me: Dave looks slightly worried.

Nell: Yes. It was a difficult COBR meeting this morning.

Me: Gosh. I’m impressed. I didn’t know you and Dave were part of high level government decisions.

Nell: What are you talking about?

Me: COBR. Cabinet Office Briefing Rooms. I suppose it was another zoom meeting.

Nell: It was in The Barn actually because we needed everyone to attend.

Me: Even the larger animals?

Nell: Especially the larger animals.

Me: I’m awfully surprised that Boris is including them.

Nell: It affects everyone you know. Apart from Malcolm and the non meat eaters of course.

Me: I don’t think vegetarians are exempt, Nell.

Nell: You’re not going to go all James Beddall on me and suggest vegetarian bacon is a true substitute are you?

Me: I never mentioned bacon.

Nell: And what’s Boris got to do with it? He doesn’t live here.

Me: I know. He lives at No 10 Downing Street.

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. He’s a Basset Hound and lives in Bovey Tracey.

Me: I’m very confused now, Nell.

Nell: You’re not alone.

Me: But you said COBR?

Nell: Coordination Of Bacon Rations. After the bacon sandwich incident we felt it was necessary to put a few measures in place.

Me: I see.

Nell: Bacon needs to be a treat not a weapon in the claws of evil used to turn good animals to the dark side.

Me: The dark side?

Nell: Yes. We have reason to believe that the Beefies were behind the bacon sandwich incident when David dropped Henry.

Me: Those dastardly seagulls.

Nell: There’s more. All evidence is pointing towards The Hunter being a member of the Royal Household.

Me: Not The Queen?

Nell: Of course not. You could be sent to the Tower for even suggesting that.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: What are you doing here?

Me: I live here.

Nell: You don’t live in The Barn, though.

Me: No. But I saw you lurking and I thought I’d check.

Nell: Lurking? Labradors never lurk. We wait. Patiently.

Me: And stare. You’re ever so good at staring.

Nell: If you’re talking about Showing an Interest then I agree. We are exceptionally skilled at that.

Me: Especially when food is around. Anyway, why are you here?

Nell: David, Henry and Knitwear Wolf are mediating with Myfanwy and the others.

Me: Don’t you mean meditating because the llamas love it?

Nell: No. Mediating, as in talking. And talking of llamas I expect you’ve seen that video of the Welsh llamas in Pembrokeshire.

Me: Delivering food to the self isolating? It’s a wonderful idea.

Nell: Yes. Knitwear Wolf is going to suggest it to our llamas. He has some soft shawls he would like to donate.

Me: How did the zoom meeting go yesterday?

Nell: It turned out to be rather hairy.

Me: Well, it would be with the llamas, Seamus, two corgis and a big fat spider.

Nell: I meant unpleasant, as you well know. David was pretending to be asleep so Henry could listen and he was doing really well until someone started cooking bacon.

Me: I know the larger animals like a bacon sandwich but that was insensitive.

Nell: Well, David sat up and Henry fell off.

Me: Oh no.

Nell: And then Lady Anwen started shouting about vile interlopers.

Me: How rude. My Big Brave Beautiful Boy could never be vile. Was he upset?

Nell: No. He was sharing a bacon sandwich with Monty.

Me: What happened to the zoom meeting?

Nell: Everyone left except Sidney.

Me: Why?

Nell: Because he lives in The Barn.

Me: Oh yes. Sorry.

Me: Why are the puppies pretending to be asleep?

Nell: They are on Listening Duty. Stop distracting them.

Me: Harriet is ever so good at it, isn’t she?

Nell: Yes. David tends to really fall asleep and wakes with a start.

Me: My darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. He’s far too transparent to be a spy.

Nell: Well, he’s going to have to learn. He’s needed for Operation Hunter.

Me: Operation Hunter?

Nell: Yes. Joyce has put a team together.

Me: How did she choose?

Nell: Everyone was asked to reveal their Strengths and Weaknesses at Morning Thoughts.

Me: Dave can’t help eating things by mistake.

Nell: We are aware of David’s weaknesses. It was Henry’s strengths that surprised us all.

Me: Henry’s?

Nell: Yes. Apparently he speaks Welsh.

Me: Has The Hunter turned him?

Nell: No. He spent his formative years in Aberystwyth where Welsh was spoken.

Me: Formative years? Woodlice don’t live that long.

Nell: You know what I mean. Anyway, Henry is prepared to go undercover.

Me: Good for him.

Nell: Now, we know another zoom meeting is planned for this afternoon so Henry is going to sit in on it.

Me: But they all have screens, don’t they? So they can see who’s joining in?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Well, they won’t see Henry’s face on the screen. He’s far too small. He’ll never get a word in edgeways.

Nell: Henry isn’t logging in. He’ll be behind Sidney. Listening.

Me: That’s a terrible idea. Sidney’s already caught Henry in his web once.

Nell: Henry will be safe on David’s ear. David is going to pretend to be asleep.

Me: But Dave’s awful at pretending. It should be Harriet.

Nell: David is the only one able to hear what Henry says. Let him do this.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: You look thoroughly disgruntled.

Nell: I’m trying to work things out. Something about all this bad behaviour simply doesn’t make sense.

Me: Welcome to my world.

Nell: This really isn’t like Myfanwy. She never used to care if someone was KC registered or not.

Me: Well, she does now.

Nell: And I just came across some extraordinary goings on at The Barn.

Me: Are the larger animals trampolining again?

Nell: No. After Monty the Moose bounced Gladys over the hedge they’ve stopped.

Me: Is it poker? Only I know The Cat was looking for players.

Nell: No. It’s not the larger animals at all. It’s Sidney.

Me: Sidney the bad spider? Is he still here?

Nell: Yes. David says he is not really a bad spider.

Me: Just misled?

Nell: Exactly. Anyway, after talking to Joyce this morning I thought I would have a little chat with Sidney.

Me: Good idea.

Nell: You won’t believe what I found.

Me: I just might. Was he eating Laverbread again?

Nell: No.

Me: Was he wearing a Welsh hat like the llamas?

Nell: No. But llamas were involved.

Me: Gosh. How exciting. Tell me more.

Nell: Sidney was on a zoom call when I arrived.

Me: I didn’t know he had a laptop.

Nell: That’s not the point. He borrowed David’s iPawed.

Me: My darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. So generous.

Nell: Anyway, don’t you want to know who else was on the call?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Myfanwy, the llamas and Seamus.

Me: Seamus? Naughty Nigel’s brother?

Nell: Yes, and last but not least, Lady Anwen.

Me: How odd.

Nell: And they were all speaking Welsh.

Me: There is definitely something fishy going on.

Nell: Don’t start bringing fish into this, please. I have enough to deal with already.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: You all look exhausted.

Nell: We were consoling Knitwear Wolf until the early hours of the morning. All I can say is thank goodness for scones. David had to eat dozens.

Me: What happened?

Nell: You know Gladys and Alejandro borrowed Knitwear Wolf’s motorbike?

Me: Yes, to take Princess and Our Penguin for their daily swim.

Nell: That was what we were supposed to think.

Me: Didn’t they swim?

Nell: They did actually, because Princess said she couldn’t manage without one.

Me: Seals do need their sea time. What else did they do?

Nell: They went to see Myfanwy.

Me: That wasn’t an essential journey.

Nell: That’s not the point.

Me: No.

Nell: Actually, when questioned, they insisted it was essential to the support of Knitwear Wolf, so they did have a point.

Me: When questioned? By the police?

Nell: Fortunately PC Panda was on duty.

Me: What did they do?

Nell: They drove to Myfanwy’s house and shouted outside her window.

Me: What did they say? Heartbreaker?

Nell: No. Much worse.

Me: What?

Nell: Bad Dog.

Me: Bad Dog?

Nell: I know. I was shocked too.

Me: I only say ‘Bad Dog’ if I’m very angry.

Nell: To be fair they were very angry and justifiably so.

Me: So why did the police get involved?

Nell: Princess started singing ‘Bad Dog’ and then Alejandro took out his maracas and Gladys performed a contemporary dance.

Me: Goodness me.

Nell: People came out of their houses and joined in.

Me: Sounds fun.

Nell: It was an illegal gathering. Myfanwy called the police and they were escorted home.

Me: I wish I’d seen it.

Nell: You can. Our Penguin filmed it all and it’s trending on YouChewed. Knitwear Wolf is most unhappy. He is such a private wolf.

Me: Yes. Sorry.