Me: That’s Ivy, isn’t it?

Nell: Yes. She has been missing since 12th December.

Me: But there have been sightings so she can still be found.

Nell: What is that dreadful noise?

Me: It is rather loud.

Nell: Look out of the window.

Me: I can’t believe I’m saying this but there are a group of seagulls outside wearing bonnets and knitted scarves and singing carols.

Nell: Don’t give them any money. They will only spend it on drink and cigarettes.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: It’s the Beefies latest scam. Gladys warned me about it. They were down at Hope Cove yesterday and saw them.

Me: What are they doing?

Nell: They’ve disguised themselves as carol singers only they are singing “Feed the Birds. Tuppence a bag.”

Me: Clever move capitalising on the new Mary Poppins film. What’s in the bag?

Nell: Fishcakes probably but that’s not the point. They are dreadful singers. People are paying them to go away.

Me: Scoundrels.

Nell: David and The Cat are on the case. They have launched their own group of carol singers. Harriet is a soloist and Jim is joining her for a duet. Gladys will perform a contemporary dance.

Me: Perfect.

Nell: All proceeds are going to DogLost. They help reunite dogs with their owners and are doing a wonderful job.

Me: They are trying to find Ivy the bearded collie, aren’t they? She was only just rescued from Romania.

Nell: Yes. As I said, Ivy went missing on Wednesday 12th Dec in the CV37 area near Stratford-upon-Avon in the UK.

Me: Please keep looking. Just search for “please find lost Ivy CV37” on Facebook for updates. If you see her let them know.

Nell: Everyone needs to be with family at Christmas.

Me: Yes. They do and Ivy needs to be with Lorna.

Nell: No tears. We have to believe Ivy will be found.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Did you enjoy the beach?

Nell: Yes, Mutley and I decided an invigorating swim would be of benefit to everyone. Apart from Malcolm and The Cat, of course, who don’t do swimming.

Me: Malcolm wades, doesn’t he?

Nell: In a quiet stream, or pond. Flamingos are not fond of waves. The only bathing The Cat does, of course, is in the sun and we haven’t seen much of that recently.

Me: Where was Poppy in that photo?

Nell: She had gone to investigate a rather suspicious looking whippet in a tweed coat. It appeared to be taking photos.

Me: Were her suspicions confirmed?

Nell: It ran away when it saw her sword but she is fairly sure it was working for the Daily Growl as it had a pencil behind its ear and dark glasses.

Me: It’s not the weather for sunglasses, is it?

Nell: Exactly.

Me: Didn’t Gladys want to come?

Nell: She’s gone out to lunch with Count Bingo Flamingo. As soon as he heard about the Beefy attack he swooped in and carried her off in my handbag.

Me: Gosh. I hope she is okay.

Nell: Yes. Fortunately she had her iBone with her so has been able to update us on WoofsApp. Apparently they are going to share a seafood platter down at Hope Cove later.

Me: Dave looks extremely alert. He is obviously watching over Harriet.

Nell: Yes. I must say this latest crisis has brought out the best in David.

Me: In what way?

Nell: He is hugely protective of us all and now that he is learning Jiu Jitsu with Chris he is beginning to channel his strength.

Me: Maybe he will start meditating?

Nell: Let’s try and stay a little realistic, shall we?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: I’m afraid this cannot continue. It is time for us to put a stop to this victimisation. I have called a family meeting.

Me: What’s going on?

Nell: The Beefies have been taunting Malcolm.

Me: Oh no.

Nell: He was happily discussing vegan Christmas alternatives with David’s gardening friend AJ the Afghan in the front garden when a crab and cranberry fish cake was dropped on his head.

Me: How rude.

Nell: By a seagull wearing a long black wig.

Me: The wig they stole from Dave?

Nell: Yes. But it gets much worse.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: A great big Beefy in a souwester hat and wellington boots arrived and started handing out menus.

Me: For their takeaway, or the cafe?

Nell: It doesn’t matter. It barged past AJ, stuck its beak in Malcolm’s face, and said with an evil grin: “We recommend our famous Flamingo Fricassee this Christmas.”

Me: I didn’t know seagulls could grin. How shocking.

Nell: That’s not the point. Malcolm was terrified but the Beefy just laughed in a nasty mocking way.

Me: Yes, I’ve heard them do that.

Nell: Fortunately Poppy saw it all and rushed out with her sword raised.

Me: Good for her.

Nell: Closely followed by David using his big boy’s voice and carrying Gladys in my handbag.

Me: I’m not sure the handbag was a good idea.

Nell: It was then that the Beefy turned on Gladys.

Me: Oh no.

Nell: It brandished a menu in her face and said: “Or you can try Pomeranian pie.”

Me: Now, that does sound evil.

Nell: David swung the handbag and hit the Beefy on the head but it just laughed and flew away.

Me: Maybe Poppy should put seagull sandwiches on the menu at the cafe. That would teach them.

Nell: What are you talking about? I despair of you sometimes. Seagull sandwiches? What a dreadful idea.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Where is Chris?

Nell: Harriet is having her special time with him. Yesterday was so busy and they weren’t able to talk. She values his opinion.

Me: Is Poppy with them?

Nell: Yes. Poppy is on a break before lunch service so she has joined them for cuddles. They are discussing relationships.

Me: Really?

Nell: Yes. Chris enjoys reggae but thinks Dog Marley should stick to singing. He wants to meet Jim the Farm Dog, though.

Me: Good. Where is Dave?

Nell: David is sleeping after his morning training. He is learning Jiu Jitsu and has a natural aptitude apparently. Chris thinks it’s a good way of channelling David’s excess energy.

Me: Good idea. Have you seen Mutley?

Nell: Mutley is with John the Doberman. The Beefies have launched a crab and cranberry fish cake for Christmas and John is wondering if Starbarks should retaliate.

Me: We don’t want a fish fight.

Nell: Don’t be silly.

Me: It’s a busy time of year for Mutley, isn’t it?

Nell: Yes. Pizza Mutt are taking on extra staff. David is hoping to do deliveries but I’m not sure. He doesn’t have the necessary discipline and his record is poor. You can’t eat a few slices and expect no one to notice.

Me: True. Isn’t it wonderful to have Chris home?

Nell: It certainly is. I was quite overcome when he stepped off the train.

Me: So was I.

Nell: I know. Did you and Kev have to wear Santa hats?

Me: We made him smile.

Nell: I think he would have been smiling whatever you were wearing, don’t you?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Poppy has been waiting at the window for Chris since first thing. Harriet was so relieved when she heard he had landed.

Nell: Yes. You would know, of course, because you tracked Chris’s flight all night.

Me: Only now and again.

Nell: Kev and I clearly told you not to. You aren’t well and you need your sleep.

Me: But I had to know he was safe.

Nell: Ridiculous. Where is he now?

Me: At Paddington station having a sandwich from Barks and Spencer. His first in a year.

Nell: They are good. So when will he get to Totnes station?

Me: 11:50 am. We should leave here in good time.

Nell: Kev has everything under control. Did he get any sleep on the plane?

Me: Unfortunately not.

Nell: His room is ready so he can sleep when he gets home. Harriet thinks she won’t be allowed on his bed.

Me: But she will be, won’t she?

Nell: Of course. He’s her special person and she hasn’t seen him since she was a pup of six months.

Me: Yes, he will notice a change.

Nell: I’m afraid David is planning on joining them too. He has a new pair of pyjamas.

Me: He will definitely notice a change in Dave. He takes up half the bed on his own. It’s like sharing a bed with a pony.

Nell: Poppy is expecting cuddles and Mutley is always by Chris’s side. I shall look in on him now and again just to check.

Me: The bed will be full of dogs.

Nell: It’s Chris we are talking about here.

Me: Yes, fortunately.

Nell: Now, drink your tea and try and rest. Only a few hours to go now.

Me: My boy is coming home.

Nell: Our boy.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Can I have a quick word?

Nell: We are all trying to sleep. You know we were up late celebrating the final of Strictly.

Me: I know but Chris arrives from Canada tomorrow and I am over excited.

Nell: We are aware. We’ve been warming his bed.

Me: Actually I’m not surprised you are tired after all that dancing. Poppy and Malcolm’s Pasa Doble was impressive.

Nell: Yes. I know a sword isn’t usually waved, but it worked.

Me: Malcolm seemed a little nervous.

Nell: Yes. I never knew a flamingo could jump that high.

Me: Dave and The Cat performed an excellent Samba.

Nell: Yes. The Cat is thinking of using those garish colours for the ugly sisters. David is very skilled at wearing a bowl of fruit on his head.

Me: I didn’t expect Gladys to jump out.

Nell: It was a show dance. No rules. I think the short hair suits her.

Me: No sign of Dog Marley?

Nell: Jim sent Harriet a red rose and an ultimatum.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: The note said: “It’s me, or Marley.”

Me: So she binned her beanie?

Nell: That’s not the way I would have phrased it. But yes, she returned to the safe paws of young Jim. Their waltz was charming.

Me: My favourite performance, though, was you and Mutley doing the American Smooth.

Nell: Thank you. I like to think we still have it.

Me: So, can we start getting Chris’s room ready then?

Nell: You are supposed to be resting. We will deal with everything.

Me: I feel a bit teary to be honest.

Nell: You haven’t seen your son for nearly a year. It’s quite understandable.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Don’t tell me that’s Gladys.

Nell: Of course it isn’t Gladys. It’s four times her size at least. It’s Dog Marley.

Me: I was worried for a moment.

Nell: He wants to be in the pantomime.

Me: As what? The horse?

Nell: No. The Prince.

Me: Jim the Farm Dog is the Prince.

Nell: Since Harriet became a Rastafarian they haven’t been getting on. He doesn’t like reggae.

Me: I’m not sure Dog Marley is my idea of Prince Charming.

Nell: He certainly isn’t. He looks like a giant mop and I can’t understand a word he says.

Me: That’s a bit harsh, Nell.

Nell: He keeps saying “Wah Gwaan”.

Me: That’s just a friendly greeting. You need to answer with “Mi deh yah” and he will be happy.

Nell: I am doing no such thing.

Me: Jeezum pees. Keep your hair on.

Nell: This is not a laughing matter.

Me: I haven’t seen Gladys, or Dave, this morning.

Nell: No. David and The Cat have taken her to see Doug the hairdresser. She caught her dreadlocks in the zip of my handbag and couldn’t get out.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: The Cat said she can’t play Buttons with dreadlocks as the risk of entanglement is too great. So the dreadlocks have to go.

Me: Poor Gladys. Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Nell: Not funny.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: This is most inconvenient.

Me: I know.

Nell: You catching another cold so close to Christmas.

Me: Yes.

Nell: We have panto rehearsals, the cafe is busy, Chris is coming and Harriet has become a Rastafarian.

Me: No, she hasn’t. She’s just into reggae.

Nell: I draw the line at Cinderella in a knitted hat, even if it is winter.

Me: The Cat would never allow it.

Nell: The Cat was last seen with David wearing a sequinned beanie.

Me: Really?

Nell: Malcolm has caught the bug too.

Me: Does he have my cold?

Nell: No. He’s started wearing a striped knitted apron, keeps telling me we are blessed and is serving Jamaican food at the cafe.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: People want mince pies and turkey sandwiches with Michael Bouvier in the background singing “Holly Jolly Christmas” not “No Woman, No Cry” with Dog Marley and a bowl of rice and peas.

Me: Who is Michael Bouvier?

Nell: You know Michael. He is a “must” at Christmas. Lovely voice. Canadian, which is odd because all the Bouvier des Flandres I know are Belgian herding dogs.

Me: I didn’t know.

Nell: Even Mutley keeps telling me to chill and Poppy is cooking jerk chicken for dinner. What’s the matter with everyone? This is Kingsbridge not Kingston.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Did David just walk upstairs singing “Jamming” with Gladys in my handbag?

Me: He did.

Nell: Please tell me Gladys doesn’t have dreadlocks?

Me: I’m afraid she does. Sorry.

Nell: Well, I’m surprised at Harriet.

Me: Why?

Nell: She stuck her tongue out at me during morning announcements.

Me: Surely not. You must be mistaken.

Nell: She is over excited because Chris is arriving from Canada next Monday. It’s making her quite giddy.

Me: She does have a special place in his heart.

Nell: We all do.

Me: I know but Harriet wasn’t well when she was young and he would always cuddle her. She even slept on his bed.

Nell: That was over a year ago. When I explained she would not be sharing his room this time she stuck her tongue out and whispered “We shall see.”

Me: Gosh.

Nell: And then she winked at The Cat and gave a paws up to David.

Me: I rather like Naughty Harriet. She can’t be good all the time.

Nell: She is going through a cheeky phase. She’s started wearing knitted hats. You know her latest craze is reggae?

Me: Really? I love reggae.

Nell: Oh yes. David and his friend AJ, the gardening Afghan, are teaching her a few Dog Marley songs.

Me: You mean Bob Marley.

Nell: No. Dog Marley is a long haired Bergamasco. He sings in a Jamaican accent which is odd as he is from the Italian alps.

Me: Does he ask you to pass the beer can?

Nell: He doesn’t drink beer. A little rum, perhaps.

Me: No. Beer can is bacon in a Jamaican accent.

Nell: Why are you talking about bacon? Honestly, I despair of you sometimes. We are trying to organise room allocations for Chris’s visit.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Dave is giving me a disapproving stare.

Nell: Yes. You stopped him from destroying his blanket.

Me: He shouldn’t be doing that.

Nell: It’s a comfort thing.

Me: But he drags it everywhere, Nell.

Nell: You wouldn’t complain if it was a teddy bear.

Me: No. I probably wouldn’t.

Nell: Or an octopus.

Me: I’m not sure why you chose an octopus just then.

Nell: The last toy he destroyed was an octopus type toy. It had long legs.

Me: Oh yes. I remember.

Nell: Anyway, a blanket takes longer. Be thankful.

Me: True. But he dragged it through the water bowls and there was water everywhere.

Nell: There isn’t any water on the floor now.

Me: No. Because it’s all on the blanket.

Nell: So he mopped up after himself. I don’t blame him for giving you a stare.

Me: Yes. Sorry.