Rice and peas. Whatever next?

Nell: This is most inconvenient.

Me: I know.

Nell: You catching another cold so close to Christmas.

Me: Yes.

Nell: We have panto rehearsals, the cafe is busy, Chris is coming and Harriet has become a Rastafarian.

Me: No, she hasn’t. She’s just into reggae.

Nell: I draw the line at Cinderella in a knitted hat, even if it is winter.

Me: The Cat would never allow it.

Nell: The Cat was last seen with David wearing a sequinned beanie.

Me: Really?

Nell: Malcolm has caught the bug too.

Me: Does he have my cold?

Nell: No. He’s started wearing a striped knitted apron, keeps telling me we are blessed and is serving Jamaican food at the cafe.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: People want mince pies and turkey sandwiches with Michael Bouvier in the background singing “Holly Jolly Christmas” not “No Woman, No Cry” with Dog Marley and a bowl of rice and peas.

Me: Who is Michael Bouvier?

Nell: You know Michael. He is a “must” at Christmas. Lovely voice. Canadian, which is odd because all the Bouvier des Flandres I know are Belgian herding dogs.

Me: I didn’t know.

Nell: Even Mutley keeps telling me to chill and Poppy is cooking jerk chicken for dinner. What’s the matter with everyone? This is Kingsbridge not Kingston.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Did David just walk upstairs singing “Jamming” with Gladys in my handbag?

Me: He did.

Nell: Please tell me Gladys doesn’t have dreadlocks?

Me: I’m afraid she does. Sorry.

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