Me: That’s you and me on our beach, Nell.

Nell: Yes. Now, I know you will be feeling low because you are saying goodbye to Alice and Jonathan this morning.

Me: Yes, I am a little low.

Nell: So I thought you would like a reminder of how beautiful it is here in Devon with me.

Me: Yes.

Nell: And how much you are loved.

Me: Thank you.

Nell: They will be back at the end of January.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Now drive carefully.

Me: I love you too, Nell.

Nell: I know.

Me: I don’t know what I would do without you.

Nell: You will never be without me. I will always watch over you. That’s what we dogs do. You know that.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: It was a lovely day. Lunch at the hotel and a walk on the beach at sunset.

Me: Yes.

Nell: The perfect way to spend Alice and Jonathan’s last day here.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Now, I don’t want any sadness. They are coming back for your birthday at the end of January.

Me: Yes.

Nell: And Chris is arriving from Toronto next week.

Me: Yes, he is.

Nell: I should warn you that David has made your picnic.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: It’s rather small so you may want to stop somewhere on the way to Heathrow.

Me: Did it start out small?

Nell: No. He is still struggling with his tasting skills. Poppy has made him a sign: “Tasting is Tiny Eating.”

Me: I’m not sure tiny eating is part of Dave’s vocabulary.

Nell: Gladys and The Cat have been giving demonstrations but then David finishes up what they leave.

Me: You taught him about a tidy bowl, Nell.

Nell: I shall ignore that remark. Now the hotel are expecting you, I presume?

Me: Yes, we have a family room.

Nell: Set your alarm for the morning as you need to get them to the terminal on time and you won’t have us barking to wake you.

Me: Yes. What a shame.

Nell: You know you would miss our morning barks if they weren’t there.

Me: Would I?

Nell: Yes. That’s why we have recorded them on your iBone as your new ringtone.

Me: Oh great.

Nell: As I always say: “Bark your way into the day.”

Me: I’ll remember that.

Nell: No need for sarcasm.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Where is everyone?

Nell: Jonathan is in the living room discussing today’s agenda with Mutley.

Me: Do we have one?

Nell: Of course we do. Things don’t just happen you know. Even Sundays need a little organising.

Me: And Harriet?

Nell: Harriet and Gladys are supposed to be having a lie-in. When I checked my handbag Gladys appeared to have gone to sleep wearing her cracker hat.

Me: She was very tired.

Nell: Harriet is in the comfortable armchair but I think she is eavesdropping on Mutley and Jonathan.

Me: She likes to know what’s going on. Where is Dave?

Nell: David is having his cookery lesson with Poppy. He is learning how to make pancakes. Chris gave us some maple syrup from Toronto the last time he was over here, so we are having a Canadian breakfast today.

Me: Yummy. With bacon?

Nell: One never quite knows when David is cooking.

Me: He has the best of intentions.

Nell: Poppy says he has great potential. He just needs to realise that tasting doesn’t mean eating. Everything.

Me: It’s a lot to ask of a Labrador.

Nell: What do you mean by that?

Me: Well, you are very food driven.

Nell: A tidy bowl is a tidy mind. How many times do I have to remind you?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Well, that was invigorating.

Me: Yes. Walking by the sea is good for the soul. As you always say: “In rain, or shine, the beach is fine. I think about it all the time.”

Nell: I most certainly do not. Stop getting carried away and putting words in my mouth.

Me: But you do love it.

Nell: I do. It always blows away the cobwebs and if you follow your walk with a fish finger sandwich, or a sizzling sausage at the Beachhouse, then all the better.

Me: Did you have to inspect the kitchen though, Nell?

Nell: I like to check everything is up to standard.

Me: You like to check on the sausages, you mean.

Nell: Jonathan and I enjoyed them enormously. I ate a little of your fish but it didn’t have the piquancy of our dish.

Me: Yes. Jonathan does enjoy tomato ketchup. After all that running you certainly deserved a good lunch.

Nell: Alice’s ball throwing skills are not up to Kev’s but still very acceptable.

Me: What about mine?

Nell: Shall we just gloss over yours? Remember the throwing the Wellington boot incident?

Me: It wasn’t my finest hour,

Nell: You hit yourself on the head.

Me: I didn’t know it would go backwards.

Nell: Let’s leave the throwing to Kev and Alice shall we? She may not throw far but at least the ball goes in the right direction.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Someone has upset The Cat. It’s wearing a feathered hat which is always a bad sign.

Me: I was talking about having my hair done this morning but it walked away.

Nell: Did you mention Doug?

Me: The Jack Russell who runs the hair salon?

Nell: What other Doug is there?

Me: Well, I asked Alice if she and Jonathan would like a lift into town because Doug has booked me in for a cut and colour with Sophie.

Nell: Was The Cat there?

Me: It was having a breakfast meeting with Harriet about the budget. Smoked salmon and scrambled egg. I only had cereal.

Nell: I don’t need the details of your breakfast envy, thank you. So it heard you mention Doug?

Me: Probably.

Nell: The Cat hates Doug.

Me: Oh dear. Why?

Nell: Doug referred to it as “that ginger puss”.

Me: No?

Nell: I’m afraid so and we all know The Cat is a strawberry blonde.

Me: It is more ginger than blonde, to be fair.

Nell: Anyway, it was probably more to do with the budget cuts. The Cat is way over again.

Me: It’s all about the right cut.

Nell: This is not a laughing matter.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: I knew scones first thing in the morning were a bad idea.

Me: Why?

Nell: They have all gone mad. Poppy and David are playing Bitey Faces and Jonathan is zooming around in his car.

Me: They are having fun. It’s St. Nicholas Day and their boots were full of treats.

Nell: Yes. The trouble is Poppy has thigh boots so she had an enormous amount of treats and has gone wild.

Me: I wouldn’t worry, Nell. It’s just harmless fun.

Nell: Yes, but the Portishead Pugs are booked in for lunch at the cafe and Malcolm is struggling with his quiches.

Me: Who are they?

Nell: The famous dance group from Bristol. Gladys trained with them. They won Beagle’s Got Talent.

Me: But they’re not beagles.

Nell: It’s Beagle’s with an apostrophe. Jeremy Beagle is the host. Do keep up.

Me: Is Jeremy Beagle coming for lunch too?

Nell: No, of course he isn’t. Simon Howl doesn’t travel around with all X Factor winners, does he?

Me: Don’t you mean Simon Cowell?

Nell: No. Simon Howl the husky. He likes to wear an open collar.

Me: Oh. My mistake. Sorry.

Me: Why are the twins hiding at the top of the stairs?

Nell: It is called Keeping a Safe Distance and is part of a Labrador’s skills.

Me: What’s happened?

Nell: Poppy can’t find her boots and she is furious.

Me: You mean the long ones?

Nell: Exactly. Her favourites.

Me: My money is on The Cat. You know what a puss is like about boots.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: Do you see what I did there?

Nell: This is no joking matter. Tomorrow is “der Nikolaustag”, or St. Nicholas Day. In Germany, and many other countries, children carefully clean their shoes, or boots and put them outside the door the evening before. If they have been good there will be chocolate and presents inside them in the morning.

Me: And if they’ve been bad?

Nell: There will be coal. David is a little worried about that. This year we have Jonathan and Alice here so we are all joining in.

Me: Wonderful. I hope I get chocolate.

Nell: Yes. Obviously there will be no chocolate for dogs but there will be other treats such as a fresh scone, or flapjack, or even a sausage.

Me: So everyone has been busy cleaning their boots?

Nell: Yes. Except for Poppy as her boots have gone missing.

Me: I think I might know where they are.

Nell: Where?

Me: Gladys walked past me this morning in a pair of long boots. I didn’t think anything of it at the time.

Nell: You didn’t think anything of it? A black Pomeranian in thigh length boots walks past you and you don’t think anything of it?

Me: Well, it is Pantomime season.

Nell: Go and tell Poppy now. We need to find Gladys.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Dave’s bowl is empty. Look at his little face.

Nell: May I point out that the bowl isn’t even David’s? It belongs to Mutley. Notice the smaller size.

Me: Oh yes.

Nell: Also, David has been perfecting his “Please sir, can I have some more?” face since he was a small pup. It is a Labrador skill.

Me: He is ever so good at it. Just like Oliver Twist.

Nell: Yes, I must admit David’s Labrador hungry face is excellent.

Me: So, why didn’t he get any breakfast then?

Nell: I despair of you sometimes. I really do. He had dippy eggs and soldiers with Harriet and Jonathan. Then Mutley didn’t finish his porridge so David helped.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Why?

Me: I gave him some of my toast because I thought he was starving.

Nell: You see. This is where it all goes wrong. Now David has had three breakfasts.

Me: But he looked so hungry, Nell. Remember the way you used to look when I’d forgotten your breakfast.

Nell: You never forgot my breakfast.

Me: I did, Nell. When you were younger. You used to tell me with your sad little eyes.

Nell: I know it worked every time. I had an excellent Labrador hungry face even then.

Me: You mean you actually had breakfast?

Nell: I rest my case.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: What’s the matter with Harriet?

Nell: She is in a huff.

Me: Why? Monday blues?

Nell: No. The Cat has gone over budget on Christmas decorations.

Me: They are lovely though.

Nell: When she voiced her concern at this morning’s management meeting David told her to relax and chill.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: She takes her duty as treasurer very seriously. She always balances the books.

Me: Yes. I admire her as I am rubbish at figures.

Nell: It is not your strong point. Anyway, Alice is doing her best to calm her down and David has apologised.

Me: He is good at that.

Nell: Yes. He has had a lot of practice. She is refusing to talk to him, however. Even when he offered her this week’s pocket money.

Me: That was sweet of him.

Nell: Yes. In theory. In fact he doesn’t actually have any left as he already spent it on pulled pork baps at the Christmas Fair.

Me: With apple sauce?

Nell: What on earth has that got to do with it? Honestly, I despair of you sometimes.

Me: Maybe I should try and mediate.

Nell: Please don’t. Alice has it all under control and Jonathan and Mutley are waiting in the wings with some of Poppy’s shortbread.

Me: I suppose if all else fails Gladys could perform a contemporary dance.

Nell: This is exactly why we are keeping you out of it.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Jonathan and the team have made an excellent job of the tree.

Me: Yes, it’s beautiful.

Nell: David fell asleep half way through but it has been an exciting time for him with his new responsibilities.

Me: I think you were right to make him Events Coordinator.

Nell: Yes. Everyone needs responsibility. Gladys will be his right paw dog. They work well together. It also means he can join in everything. A busy pup is a happy pup.

Me: It was kind of The Cat to allow Jonathan on to the decorating team.

Nell: He has style and he knows what he likes. The Cat spotted it immediately. Harriet is his teammate as she is excellent at craftwork and is a good listener.

Me: Is Mutley involved too?

Nell: Yes, Mutley is overseeing proceedings. He likes to call it Keeping an Eye on Things. It carries a great deal of responsibility but can be done from the sofa and involves regular naps.

Me: Sounds like my kind of job.

Nell: Now, it’s First Advent Sunday today so David will be singing and a candle must be lit.

Me: Yes, the Advent wreath is ready.

Nell: Good. Poppy and Malcolm are cooking a full Christmas dinner of turkey with all the trimmings.

Me: How lovely.

Nell: We can’t have Jonathan and Alice missing out so we are having an extra Christmas with games after dinner. Your little sister is invited too.

Me: Perfect.

Nell: Malcolm is serving prawn cocktail for lunch and there will be ice cream for those who want it.

Me: You can never have enough ice cream.

Nell: I think you and I both know that is not true. I think one ice cream each will be plenty.

Me: You are right. Sorry.