Nell: I don’t know why you’ve all taken against Sebastian. You ruined my evening. Poppy apologised but it’s too late.

Me: There’s something we don’t like about him.

Nell: You are always like this when I meet someone. You were the same about Charlie.

Me: We weren’t. We like Charlie. A lot.

Nell: Well, he isn’t here and Sebastian is.

Me: I know. Charlie is off doing James Bond stuff.

Nell: Good grief. Stop getting carried away. Charlie works for the Secret Service but he isn’t James Bond.

Me: He is handsome enough to be.

Nell: Enough about Charlie. Just try and be civil to Sebastian.

Me: We are.

Nell: Poppy gave Sebastian the smallest poppadom and hardly any chutney.

Me: By accident.

Nell: Poppy doesn’t do things by accident. Especially when it comes to food.

Me: Oh.

Nell: Harriet gave him custard when he asked for cream.

Me: Custard goes well with Poppy’s apple crumble.

Nell: It was for his coffee.

Me: Oh. It was probably a mistake then.

Nell: Harriet winked at David. I saw her.

Me: But he’s so pretentious. He won’t stop talking about himself.

Nell: It’s just his way. He comes from a wealthy family.

Me: Sebastian is not right for you, Nell. His ears are too long and his hair is too girly.

Nell: I will make my own decisions, thank you, and they will not be based on looks.

Me: You are right. By the way, Mutley thinks he knows him from somewhere.

Nell: Probably the yacht club. Sebastian loves to sail.

Me: Just be careful. We are only protecting you.

Nell: Did David just walk past carrying my handbag and wearing a sequinned bandage?

Me: He might have done.

Nell: The Cat is behind this and stop laughing.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Not now David and I are resting. Visiting hours aren’t until later.

Me: I just wanted an update.

Nell: I don’t think I can update anyone on anything. I’m exhausted after all that dancing last night.

Me: The Cat and Dave were just excited about Strictly starting again.

Nell: Aren’t we all, but we have months to go and sequinned socks are a step too far.

Me: Yes, but we need to talk about Jago.

Nell: Well, talk quietly please. It’s Sunday morning and I haven’t even had a cup of Earl Grey yet.

Me: So it seems the Beefies broke their word and revealed Jago isn’t a pedigree.

Nell: We don’t know if it was them but the Salcombe Set have definitely cancelled Jago’s membership.

Me: How did you find out?

Nell: Sebastian rang me yesterday evening. He said there was nothing he could do.

Me: Are you seeing him again?

Nell: Yes. Sebastian is excellent company. He is a very well travelled spaniel, although the gold collar is a little ostentatious.

Me: You must invite him here so we can get to know him too.

Nell: Poppy said the same thing. She wants to try out a new recipe. Fruity chicken curry. I hope Mutley doesn’t make pina coladas. David ate one of those little umbrellas last time.

Me: Did you talk to Jago?

Nell: Yes. He was very low when I spoke to him. Ashamed of losing the cafe.

Me: Maybe the Beefies will sell it back to him if it doesn’t do well.

Nell: The reviews on TreatAdvisor are certainly appalling. I mean who wants a lobster latte, or a monkfish macchiato?

Me: Not me. Were you able to console him?

Nell: I think I was. I told him that diversity is welcomed nowadays and nobody gives a fig for your background. A Doberdane is a wonderful thing to be and he should be proud not ashamed.

Me: What did he say?

Nell: He brightened up considerably and told me about a rather lovely Labradoodle called Lily who he has been seeing secretly. I think Harriet knows her from dance classes.

Me: I didn’t know Harriet danced.

Nell: She goes to Rita Pawreno with Gladys. Didn’t you see her dancing with Jim last night?

Me: I thought their salsa was good.

Nell: Honestly, next you’ll be telling me you didn’t know Poppy won Masterchef.

Me: Poppy is a Masterchef champion?

Nell: Masterchef Professionals. Do keep up. Poppy isn’t an amateur.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Me: There is nothing like a surprise visit from your best friend.

Nell: I agree. It is a joy to see them together.

Me: The minute Dave saw Tony he ran to the gate.

Nell: Yes. Although running isn’t actually allowed. They had a marvellous discussion about bandages and David showed Tony his. Tony’s lab Milo had chickens on his bandage.

Me: And Dave’s?

Nell: David’s has tractors. In honour of grandson Jonathan, I expect, we know how much he loves them.

Me: Yes, although I’m not sure the vet knew that when he put it on.

Nell: I am aware of that but Jonathan isn’t.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Both Mutley and Jonathan have birthdays this month. Mutley on 18th and Jonathan on 19th.

Me: They do.

Nell: And I believe you also became a Great Aunt on Wednesday to little Lily.

Me: I did.

Nell: So all in all this is quite a busy month.

Me: It is.

Nell: I know it would have been your mother’s birthday this month too.

Me: Yes. She loved September.

Nell: We will still celebrate her life with your sisters at the end of the month.

Me: Yes, we will.

Nell: In the meantime let’s enjoy the fact that Tony’s visit has made David’s day.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: There is no need to say sorry. None at all.

Nell: I’m glad Alex was able to see David so quickly.

Me: Yes, it was a relief but I hadn’t expected he would need sedation.

Nell: Fortunately he hadn’t had much to eat.

Me: Yes, and Richard operated quickly.

Nell: He tore his dew claw down to the quick. There was nothing else to be done. They had to sedate him to cut it off.

Me: Yes, and he was so brave, Nell. He licked Alex while he was being examined.

Nell: Yes, he is a good brave boy. Now, has he had his antibiotics this morning and a light breakfast?

Me: Yes. He is having a rest and Harriet is watching over him.

Nell: No chewing of the bandage in the night which is excellent.

Me: Yes. We can’t go down to the beach today, Nell.

Nell: I know that. We all went to the beach yesterday so we will be happy with country walks until he can join us.

Me: That’s good. I thought you might be disappointed.

Nell: We are family. David is doing well and is safely home. Nothing else matters. You know that.

Me: Yes, I do. Sorry.

Me: Dave isn’t well. He doesn’t even want his bone.

Nell: I knew he shouldn’t have gone with The Cat.

Me: He wasn’t with The Cat officially. He was a customer.

Nell: He ordered prawn profiteroles.

Me: Disgusting.

Nell: And a crayfish croissant.

Me: That’s really dreadful.

Nell: And he ate them.

Me: Oh no.

Nell: At least The Cat was successful. The chef is an extremely loud seagull called Gulldon Ramsay. Shouts at everyone and uses foul language.

Me: Don’t you mean fowl?

Nell: I shall ignore that. Apparently the Beefies simply fly into the kitchen and drop fish into a bucket.

Me: That’s not very hygienic.

Nell: It’s not only unhygienic, it is filched from the fishermen.

Me: Scandalous.

Nell: It is completely out of order and typical of their grab and fly attitude.

Me: But how do we prove it?

Nell: The Cat took photos on its iPhone. The plan is to tell the Beefies we will send the photos to the Daily Growl if they don’t sell the cafe back to Jago.

Me: I hope it works.

Nell: So do I. When David wakes, remind him to post a review on TreatAdvisor.

Me: I don’t think they deserve it, Nell.

Nell: A negative review, of course. Do keep up.

Me: Yes, sorry.

Nell: Mutley says we should all stop worrying because he has a plan.

Me: He is in the garden resting. I don’t want him to overdo it. He is fifteen this month.

Nell: Yes, I know, a senior dog needs quiet now and again. Poppy has made him some shortbread to go with his morning coffee. He has had a passion for it since his golfing trip to Gleneagles.

Me: I didn’t know.

Nell: Yes, he is a keen player, as am I. He wants David and Harriet to learn so we may take them over to the golf club when we have a free day.

Me: Good idea. Do we know yet why Jago sold out to the Beefies?

Nell: I’m afraid it was blackmail.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: It seems Jago’s father is not quite what he should be.

Me: A criminal?

Nell: No, a Great Dane.

Me: Not Ron Gilbert from Torquay?

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. Ron Gilbert isn’t the only Great Dane around here. Although, I suppose it is possible. Anyway, that isn’t the issue. It means Jago is not a pure Doberman.

Me: Why does that matter?

Nell: The Salcombe Set only accept pedigrees. Jago would be cast out.

Me: Stuff the Salcombe Set then.

Nell: John said the same thing. I mean Poppy is not a pedigree but does anyone care?

Me: Of course not.

Nell: Unfortunately Jago does.

Me: Well, it’s none of his business. He’s not the one marrying Poppy. It doesn’t matter a jot where she came from.

Nell: Do calm down. I’m not talking about Poppy and I completely agree with you. But Jago can’t bear anyone to know he is not a pedigree. The Beefies threatened to pass his birth certificate on to the Daily Growl.

Me: So in return for silence he sold the cafe?

Nell: Yes, he panicked.

Me: Oh dear. What can we do?

Nell: Apparently, Mutley is going to get it back.

Me: How?

Nell: He is sending in The Cat.

Me: The Cat?

Nell: Yes. Undercover as a hygiene inspector.

Me: Is that really a good idea?

Nell: It wants to wear sequins on its white coat and hat but it’s perfectly willing otherwise.

Me: It’s going to have to eat a lot of fish.

Nell: It’s a cat.

Me: Good point, sorry.

Nell: I simply cannot believe that Jago could do such a thing. Selling his Starbarks to the Beefies. It’s outrageous.

Me: I know.

Nell: They have renamed it Starbeaks.

Me: Dreadful.

Nell: What kind of a name is that?

Me: Maybe they are hoping people won’t notice.

Nell: They are selling fish.

Me: Yes. Poppy told me.

Nell: Salmon scones.

Me: Yuck.

Nell: Bass bagels.

Me: That’s so wrong.

Nell: Mackerel muffins.

Me: At least the coffee doesn’t have fish in it.

Nell: Poppy said it was full of seagulls.

Me: The coffee? How disgusting.

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. The cafe.

Me: Oh. Imagine the noise.

Nell: And there’s a photo of Stephen Seagull over the door.

Me: Unbelievable. Where is Poppy?

Nell: Having a lie down. Harriet is looking after her.

Me: And John?

Nell: He’s gone to get his brother Jarvis from the Dartmouth branch. They want some answers from Jago.

Me: I bet they do. Honestly, I’m lost for words.

Nell: You had better not be.

Me: No, you’re right. Sorry.

Me: The puppies look awfully sad.

Nell: Yes, small portions for them today.

Me: Why?

Nell: Mutley and I were busy talking to Tall Hollywoof at the bakery.

Me: Yes.

Nell: When I heard the sound of munching.

Me: Mice?

Nell: No. Labradors. Eating doughnuts.

Me: Oh dear. Doughnuts are delicious, though.

Nell: That is not the point. It was playing right into Hollywoof’s paws. He left them there on purpose.

Me: As a treat?

Nell: No. He knew they would overindulge. Harriet stopped after three but David must have eaten at least six. They had to lie down with swollen tummies. Completely useless.

Me: Did you find out anything?

Nell: Hollywoof said he and Poppy are just friends and John has no need to get his collar in a twist.

Me: We know that, so why the rumours?

Nell: Well, the interesting thing was during our discussion Prue Beef walked in and guess who was with her?

Me: Sandi and Noel?

Nell: What are you talking about? No. Dominic Simmons. Nasty creature.

Me: Gosh. I bet he was shocked.

Nell: He was. Especially when Mutley raised his head and said: “Have you been spreading rumours, Simmons?”

Me: In his “Pleased to meet you, Mr Bond” voice?

Nell: Exactly.

Me: I wish I’d been there.

Nell: Dominic Simmons turned pale, which is saying something as he is already insipid, and started stuttering so Prue took him away.

Me: What did Hollywoof say?

Nell: He offered Mutley and I a doughnut and said they go well with coffee.

Me: We all know that. He’s keen on sharing his doughnuts, isn’t he?

Nell: Do keep up. It was a veiled threat. He and the Beefies are out to take over Starbarks from the Dobermans. I’m sure of it.

Me: Oh, I see. We are all just pawns in their dastardly game.

Nell: Good grief. Stop getting carried away and go and invite John to lunch. When he and Poppy realise what’s going on I am sure they will be reconciled. In the meantime the Sunday papers and a cup of Earl Grey will do nicely.

Me: You are right. Sorry.

Me: Have I interrupted something?

Nell: We were just discussing Poppy and John.

Me: Can I join in?

Nell: As long as you don’t make any silly remarks.

Me: Who me?

Nell: Yes, you.

Me: Couldn’t be.

Nell: I am not going to say: “Then, who?” so stop your foolishness.

Me: Are they still not talking then?

Nell: Poppy says John should be more trusting.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: John says Tall Hollywoof gave him a knowing smile when he popped in to Starbarks for a Non-Fat Frappuccino with Extra Whipped Cream and Chocolate Sauce.

Me: That’s a silly order.

Nell: It’s certainly a mouthful.

Me: It’s like ordering a Diet Coke with a cream doughnut.

Nell: Good grief. Stop discussing his order. We need to sort this out.

Me: Where is Poppy?

Nell: The Cat has taken her to the spa for one of those pamper days. David wanted to go too but it’s all paws on deck.

Me: Absolutely.

Nell: I think we should pay a visit to Mr Hollywoof. It sounds like he might be trying to cause trouble.

Me: Good idea.

Nell: Harriet found out that Hollywoof is now working with a bird called Prue Beef.

Me: It’s not like you to call someone a bird.

Nell: No, she is a seagull. A little flamboyant and fond of chunky jewellery.

Me: Dominic Simmons is a jeweller. Is she one of the Beefies?

Nell: Probably. Not a good sign.

Me: No.

Nell: Hollywoof used to work with Beary Merry of course.

Me: She sounds familiar.

Nell: She’s a delightful lady bear of a certain age and a national treasure. You must know her. Poppy has all her cookery books.

Me: Well, if you’re off to see Hollywoof then I’m right behind you.

Nell: You most certainly are not. You are staying here. I am only taking Mutley and the puppies. You can’t be trusted to behave.

Me: Yes. Sorry.