Nell: Could you check my handbag for Gladys, please?

Me: Of course.

Nell: Charlie took me to a lovely restaurant for dinner yesterday and I opened my bag to find Gladys asleep.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Two is company but three is most definitely a crowd.

Me: Absolutely.

Nell: I called David to come and collect her and he roared up on his motorbike in his pyjamas.

Me: I hope he was wearing a helmet.

Nell: He was. Charlie thought it was hilarious and shared a bowl of chips with them both before they left.

Me: Was it a good evening?

Nell: Wonderful. I am enjoying this precious time together.

Me: It’s ever so glamorous though, isn’t it?

Nell: What?

Me: Dating a spy. An actual 007.

Nell: Just stay in your world of fantasy and let him get on with his job.

Me: Leaping out of planes, running across rooftops, skiing down mountains, surrounded by beautiful temptresses.

Nell: You see. There you go again. If you must know Charlie is not surrounded by temptresses. He has a lovely assistant called Sally who looks after him. A charming Golden Retriever.

Me: I love Golden Retrievers.

Nell: Yes, and you will love Sally. She has come down here for a few days to go through some arrangements with Charlie and I’ve invited them both to dinner.

Me: Perfect.

Nell: She wears glasses and is very shy so I need everyone to be on their best behaviour.

Me: Don’t worry. I’ll tell them. No jokes about Miss Moneypenny.

Nell: Behave.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I love this photo of Jonathan and Mutley.

Nell: Yes, I think they were discussing tractors. Mutley is very knowledgeable. I am putting together an album for their birthdays.

Me: How lovely. How are preparations for tomorrow’s birthday party coming along?

Nell: Poppy and I have finalised the menu. It’s all London favourites of Mutley’s. Cockles, whelks and jellied eels to start. Pie and mash with liquor for main.

Me: What kind of liquor? Whisky?

Nell: No, it’s a green parsley sauce. Do keep up. Jam roly poly and custard for afters.

Me: You never say afters.

Nell: But Mutley does, and it’s his party.

Me: True. Why is Dave hovering by the gate?

Nell: Pawsome and Basin are delivering a hamper with the Port and Stilton. David is responsible for signing for it and then bringing it to Poppy.

Me: Oh dear. What about the cake?

Nell: Mutley enjoys a plain sponge, so Poppy has made one in the shape of a piano. Harriet is icing it under her guidance. There will be 15 candles, of course.

Me: It all sounds under control.

Nell: Hopefully. The Cat is responsible for the decorations which is a slight concern. I am expecting lots of glitter.

Me: Yes. What about entertainment?

Nell: Mutley’s swing band are flying in from the United States.

Me: He will be delighted. Where is he?

Nell: Charlie has taken him for a round of golf and drinks at the club house.

Me: Nell, there’s a Great Dane at the gate talking to Dave.

Nell: It will be Ron Gilbert from Torquay. The Cat roped him in to do the lighting.

Me: Dave just gave him a handbag and he’s putting something in it.

Nell: What? It’s my handbag, isn’t it? I can see Gladys and Rita Pawreno peering out. Are those castanets?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Well, that was an afternoon tea to remember.

Me: You should have seen your face when Charlie walked in.

Nell: I may have been a little overcome.

Me: I was in tears and so was Dave. He even dropped his scone.

Nell: Little Harriet was happy too. She hasn’t seen him since he rescued her.

Me: Yes.

Nell: I had no idea Charlie was even in the country. And you all knew?

Me: Yes. It was so difficult keeping it a secret. Dave kept having to run up and down the garden with a towel in his mouth.

Nell: Charlie told me that he and David have been in contact on WoofsApp since Harriet’s kidnapping.

Me: Yes, they text regularly. When Dave first told him you were seeing Sebastian, Charlie was furious.

Nell: Yes. I expect he was.

Me: And when Mutley remembered who he really was, Charlie said he was coming down here to sort him out.

Nell: Did he indeed?

Me: Yes. He was outraged apparently. He told us to keep quiet.

Nell: Well. Sebastian, or rather Sid, is history. Mutley says I am not to worry about him. He has gone back to London.

Me: Mutley paid him a visit, did he? Took him out for an airing?

Nell: Honestly, listen to yourself. It is true that Mutley visited Sid accompanied by Charlie and he was persuaded to leave. But no violence was involved.

Me: So he won’t be swimming with the fishes?

Nell: Just stop. Charlie is staying down here for a few days, by the way, so we can spend some time together.

Me: Good. He will be here for Mutley’s birthday party.

Nell: Yes.

Me: Nell, did you know Dave was in touch with Charlie?

Nell: Why?

Me: I just wondered because none of us ever understood what you saw in Sebastian.

Nell: He was amusing. Nothing more.

Me: Or was he a way of making Charlie jealous?

Nell: I beg your pardon.

Me: Of making sure he came back?

Nell: You see. There you go again. As if I would do such a thing.

Me: Yes. Silly me. Sorry.

Nell: Sebastian is a fishmonger?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Called Sid?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Sid the Fish?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Mutley met him at Billingsgate fish market in London?

Me: Yes. He supplies all the restaurants and pubs. Apparently he looks quite different without his apron and white hat.

Nell: Why the pretence?

Me: He needed inside information so the Beefies could blackmail Jago and get the cafe. He posed as Sebastian, managed to join the Salcombe Set and befriended you.

Nell: The bounder. I feel such a fool. You all knew he wasn’t trustworthy. Why didn’t I listen? I’m normally such a good judge of character.

Me: Well, apart from Richard Price who turned out to be a Russian spy.

Nell: Thank you for reminding me.

Me: I’m so sad that Sebastian broke your heart, Nell.

Nell: Broke my heart? Certainly not. My heart was never his to break. It belongs to someone else entirely.

Me: Charlie?

Nell: I’m not likely to tell you, am I? You definitely can’t keep a secret. Now, where’s that surprise tea? I am in need of one of Poppy’s scones.

Me: Yes, sorry.

Me: Why is Poppy whispering in Harriet’s ear?

Nell: They are planning a secret afternoon tea for me.

Me: Why is it a secret?

Nell: They want to surprise me. To lift my spirits after my disastrous dinner with Sebastian.

Me: Do they know you know?

Nell: Of course they don’t know I know. If they knew I knew, they wouldn’t be whispering.

Me: I suppose not. How do you know, by the way?

Nell: David. He said I was not to worry as there would definitely be no fish in the surprise sandwiches. Just egg and cress, and local ham followed by Poppy’s scones and a Victoria Sandwich.

Me: Your favourite cake.

Nell: Yes. I said: “What surprise sandwiches and why would I worry?”

Me: Right.

Nell: And he said: “Oops. I mentioned fish.”

Me: Quick thinking.

Nell: What do you mean by that?

Me: Well, we are all trying not to mention fish at the moment.

Nell: What? Anyway, I made him tell me everything.

Me: Obviously not really everything.

Nell: Why?

Me: Oops.

Nell: What is going on? You’ve got that pained look on your face like a dog with a cold wet tail.

Me: Mutley remembered where he met Sebastian.

Nell: That’s good. Maybe it will shed some light on proceedings.

Me: It will certainly do that.

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: It’s not my place to say.

Nell: This isn’t Downton Abbey you know. You don’t have a place.

Me: Well, you do sometimes remind me of the Dowager Countess.

Nell: Stop prevaricating and answer me.

Me: I think you should ask Mutley.

Nell: I will. Where is he?

Me: He’s gone to see John.

Nell: Why?

Me: Would you like another cup of Earl Grey?

Nell: No, I would not. You are going to tell me what you know. Right now.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: You’re back early from dinner.

Nell: Yes.

Me: Is everything ok?

Nell: Not really.

Me: What happened?

Nell: It all started well. Champagne and those little canapés from Barks and Spencer.

Me: I like those.

Nell: But the main course was quite a shock.

Me: Was it offal? It’s very “in” at the moment.

Nell: What are you talking about? No. It was a takeaway.

Me: That’s disappointing and rather lazy. He could have made an effort.

Nell: From Starbeaks.

Me: No? I can’t believe it. What was it like?

Nell: I didn’t eat it. I left. John is Poppy’s fiancé. He is family and so is Jago. I’m not supporting the Beefies.

Me: Quite right. What did Sebastian say?

Nell: He said I was overreacting and he will call me tomorrow.

Me: What are you going to do?

Nell: I am not going to do anything. But Mutley needs to try and remember how he knows Sebastian. Something isn’t right.

Me: Yes.

Nell: In the meantime, please try not to let your imagination run away with you. It was just a takeaway.

Me: Yes. It’s all a bit fishy though, isn’t it?

Nell: Enough.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: Is David drinking out of the bird bath again?

Me: Yes. Kev just filled it with fresh water.

Nell: I told him not to. It’s unhygienic.

Me: Yes. He has a huge bowl of water inside.

Nell: I’m not surprised he is thirsty. He and The Cat were eating bacon sandwiches and rapping by the quay this morning. I saw them.

Me: Red, or brown?

Nell: What are you talking about?

Me: Sauce. I always choose brown. Did you say rapping?

Nell: Yes. It’s David’s latest craze. The Cat enjoys the bling of course. I’m surprised it can walk with all those gold chains.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: When he starts rapping at me I just tell him to chill.

Me: You do?

Nell: Yes, it was Mutley’s idea. It seems to work and he stops. The trouble with rapping is it tends to go on a long time so we just clip its claws.

Me: Don’t you mean nip it in the bud?

Nell: No. Anyway, I was having lunch with the girls after my Pilates class and word is that the Beefies have branched out.

Me: How?

Nell: Apparently they’ve started doing takeaways, hence the caps, and they are proving extremely popular.

Me: Everyone likes fish and chips I suppose and the fish is freshly caught.

Nell: It’s freshly stolen, you mean.

Me: It’s funny but even if they actually caught the fish I don’t think I would fancy it. All covered in seagull spit.

Nell: Seagull spit? What are you talking about? I worry about you sometimes.

Me: How’s Sebastian?

Nell: He’s fine. He’s invited me over to his place this evening for dinner on his terrace overlooking the bay.

Me: Lovely. Make sure James waits for you in the car. Just in case.

Nell: For Goodness Sake. Stop fussing.

Me: I can’t help it. There’s something fishy about Sebastian.

Nell: Do stop. Let me enjoy myself. I will be fine. Now pass me a scone, I only had salad for lunch.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Is Harriet counting ants again?

Me: Yes.

Nell: She only does that when she is stressed.

Me: Why is she stressed?

Nell: There was an altercation between David, Jim and a couple of Beefies down at the beach.

Me: Oh no.

Nell: Harriet was caught in the middle.

Me: What happened?

Nell: They were enjoying a sausage sizzle at the Beachhut when a Beefie wearing a cap came up to them and started screaming about fish.

Me: They do scream, don’t they? Did you just say wearing a cap?

Nell: Yes. It was going on about fish being brain food and how everyone should eat it.

Me: Fish is good for you.

Nell: That’s not the point. Jim asked it politely to leave so they could enjoy their sausages in peace.

Me: Good for Jim.

Nell: Unfortunately David became annoyed. I think his paw was probably hurting,

Me: Maybe.

Nell: Anyway, He squirted the Beefy with ketchup.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: The next thing they knew a whole flock of Beefies descended and started stealing their sausages and getting red onion marmalade everywhere.

Me: Not good. Were they all wearing caps?

Nell: Yes.

Me: How odd. You don’t think of Beefies getting sunstroke, do you?

Nell: They were advertising Starbeaks not protecting themselves from the sun. Do keep up.

Me: Well, they weren’t doing a very good job.

Nell: You are missing the point again. Harriet found it distressing and now she is counting ants.

Me: Of course. Sorry.