Me: Did you have a nice walk down by the river?

Nell: Yes. Cooling my paws helps me to think.

Me: Have you heard from Poppy?

Nell: Yes. I’m glad she decided to fly out yesterday evening. Mutley managed to get rooms at the Lotte Hotel Moscow.

Me: Isn’t that the top one?

Nell: Yes. He has connections.

Me: And Poppy?

Nell: Poppy is with the team. Boiled eggs and soldiers for breakfast. Fresh from the farm with Poppy’s home baked bread and Devon butter. Egg sandwiches and scones for later.

Me: I’m glad the eggs didn’t break.

Nell: The farm dogs helped pack everything. Jim is proving to be a very helpful young dog. I just wish he’d cut his hair.

Me: Harriet likes it. He’s her screensaver on her phone.

Nell: Young love.

Me: Is Charlie still on yours?

Nell: Never you mind. I do hope The Cat behaves at Mutley’s business lunch. Why on earth was it wearing that ridiculous hat?

Me: It was very feathery. Dave will love it.

Nell: Mutley is finalising the opening of a new chain of restaurants across Russia and doesn’t need any distractions.

Me: Quite. How is Gareth?

Nell: Calm and confident. I’ve told him I will definitely be there if the boys get to the final.

Me: I really think they can do it.

Nell: I know they can. I was talking to Harry last night. Sensible boy.

Me: Prince Harry?

Nell: No. We had a brief chat after Meghan left but I meant Harry Kane.

Me: How are Harry and Meghan?

Nell: Fine. They were sorry I couldn’t come to Louis’ christening but quite understood.

Me: How’s Dave?

Nell: He is FaceTiming with Harriet. He got egg all over his track suit so she is chatting to Pickford while he is changing.

Me: It’s a big day for England, Nell.

Nell: It is. I think we will order pizza this evening. We might as well support Mutley.

Me: But he is in Moscow.

Nell: It’s his chain. Who do you think owns Pizza Mutt? Do keep up.

Me: Oh. Sorry.

Me: Is that Dave in goal?

Nell: Of course it is. How many other labradors are training with England?

Me: Maybe he should become a goalie.

Nell: Let’s see what he’s like when he gets home. Gareth says he shows a lot of promise. I suppose Kingsbridge Canines might have an opening. I’ll talk to their manager.

Me: He’s certainly giving it his all.

Nell: Yes. Hopefully he won’t be distracted.

Me: Why? What’s happened?

Nell: The Cat is flying to Russia.

Me: No.

Nell: Yes, apparently it was pining for David so Mutley persuaded Poppy to let it accompany him tomorrow. She is too busy baking bread to be bothered and says she could do with the money.

Me: I thought she was making scones?

Nell: Those are ready but David has requested Poppy’s bread for his egg sandwiches. He says Russian bread is a little heavy and I must say I have to agree.

Me: I didn’t know you had been to Russia.

Nell: Yes. Vladimir insisted I join him last year at his holiday home in Vyborg Bay.

Me: Vladimir Putin?

Nell: Of course. Do keep up. Strange place. The swimming pool was covered in gold tiles. I told him it was a little too ostentatious for my taste and he laughed. He and The Cat would get on rather well.

Me: I’m beginning to think you should go into politics.

Nell: Don’t you think I have enough to do running this family without trying to run a country? Good grief. Theresa May has me on speed dial but there are only so many hours in a day.

Me: Yes, sorry.

Nell: I’m extremely annoyed with Kevin.

Me: Oh dear. You usually call him Kev.

Nell: Well, not today.

Me: What has he done?

Nell: He is in cahoots with David and Poppy. We were at the garden centre just now buying compost when he admitted he knew about the whole debacle.

Me: Where is Dave, by the way?

Nell: Exactly.

Me: Is he having a lie in?

Nell: David is training with the England team in Russia. He never came home.

Me: What?

Nell: Oh yes. Poppy left him there.

Me: No!

Nell: Apparently the team see him as a mascot. Pickford has taken him under his wing and David is training to be a goalie. He will be on the bench on Wednesday.

Me: Well, that’s ever so exciting for him.

Nell: He is a young and impressionable animal. He only just survived the seagull attack and the loss of his muffin.

Me: Surely Gareth will keep an eye on him.

Nell: He has promised me he will. At least Poppy is flying back for the semi finals and taking Mutley with her. He’s got a lunch meeting in Moscow so they can feed two puppies with one bone.

Me: Don’t you mean kill two birds with one stone?

Nell: No. Why on earth would I say that?

Me: Poppy has been baking all morning.

Nell: Yes. The team have requested scones.

Me: Do you think you should go too?

Nell: I’m not going to leave Harriet, now am I? Fortunately she and David are FaceTiming later. Thank goodness for Woof’s App.

Me: Are you letting her go to the beach barbecue with Jim?

Nell: I’m not sure she should be socialising with the farm dogs.

Me: It’s very Romeo and Juliet isn’t it? Poor star crossed lovers.

Nell: Do get a grip. Just fetch me my handbag. Gareth needs me to call him with Wednesday’s lineup.

Me: Ok. Sorry.

Nell: So there I am in the Royal Box enjoying my strawberries and cream when my phone rings.

Me: How embarrassing.

Nell: Quite. Anyway, it’s Gareth so I have to answer.

Me: Southgate? The England manager?

Nell: Yes, of course. You know we’ve been in touch a lot recently. He’s been desperate for me to join him out there but as I explained we’ve been having a few problems with seagulls and I can’t miss Wimbledon.

Me: Of course not.

Nell: Anyway, I thought it was another question about the lineup but no, it was just to let me know that David had arrived safely in Russia.

Me: Goodness!

Nell: Apparently David contacted him and said I was happy for him to go in my place.

Me: How did he get there?

Nell: Poppy chartered a jet and flew him over. Mutley selflessly decided to stay home with Harriet.

Me: What did you say?

Nell: I choked on my champagne but managed to compose myself and pretended it was fine. David is family so has to be supported even when he is behaving outrageously.

Me: True.

Nell: It was hard to concentrate after that. So after Edmund’s defeat I asked James to drive me home.

Me: The football match was so exciting, Nell.

Nell: Yes, I tried to follow it on my phone but we kept losing the signal. Vodabone need to sort that out, or I am changing providers.

Me: Did you hear anymore from Dave?

Nell: Oh yes. They rang me after the match. Poppy had made scones and they were all enjoying them with a glass of beer. Dreadful combination.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Anyway, David bonded with Pickford over a scone and now he thinks he should stay in Russia and become a goalie.

Me: He’d make a good goalie. He has the height.

Nell: You are missing the point. That animal is not staying in Russia. Gallivanting cannot be rewarded. Poppy is flying him home today and they should be back soon. I know she wants to cook this evening.

Me: It’s ever so hot, Nell and she might be tired.

Nell: Poppy makes her own decisions. Sundays are roast days. Can you pass me the papers, please?

Me: You might want to skip the Daily Growl?

Nell: Why? I don’t believe it. David is on the front. “Gareth’s secret weapon flies out to join the team. David Martin has been advising Southgate for several weeks and joined him at yesterday’s quarter final.”

Me: You know how the Daily Growl likes to exaggerate. It’s a lovely photo though, isn’t it and Dave is family?

Nell: Just stop. Advisor, indeed.

Me: Yes, nobody will believe a labrador could advise the England manager.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: Apart from you, of course. Sorry.

Nell: Mission accomplished. Not a Beefy in sight.

Me: You are so impressive. You could be the new James Bond, or Ethan Hunt.

Nell: I have no wish to be either of them, although the idea of N in one of the Bond films does appeal.

Me: What did Mutley say?

Nell: He and the Bulldog Boys have decided the Beefies got cold feet. They are positively crowing, if one may use such a word.

Me: Why didn’t you tell them?

Nell: I don’t think there is any need. We girls had everything under control.

Me: Forget Charlie, we are Nell’s Angels.

Nell: Just stop. Have you seen David’s waistcoat?

Me: It’s very sparkly.

Nell: It’s completely covered in sequins. He and The Cat had a marvellous time. He thinks he scared the Beefies away, of course.

Me: How? With his waistcoat?

Nell: Probably. He was boasting away to Harriet and she just smiled and gave him an egg sandwich. He loves them.

Me: I wonder what’s next.

Nell: Nothing, I hope. It’s Wimbledon and I need to choose my outfit.

Me: Are you going?

Nell: Of course I am. Didn’t you hear me talking to Meghan earlier?

Me: I didn’t realise it was her.

Nell: Yes, she was checking I was available. Kate might join us.

Me: Front row seats then?

Nell: Don’t be silly. Royal box.

Me: Of course, sorry.

Me: You sneezed?

Nell: Yes, it’s only my hay fever. Come in. Mr Seagull was just leaving. “Harriet would you show him out, please?”

Me: Sorry to interrupt.

Nell: It’s fine. “Goodbye Stephen, and thank you for your visit. Poppy has packed a few scones for the journey. I know how much you enjoy them.”

Me: So, how did it go?

Nell: Extremely well. Poppy provided an excellent tea and Harriet was attentive and discreet during service.

Me: Where is Dave, by the way?

Nell: Out shopping for sequins with The Cat.

Me: Has Stephen Seagull agreed to stop?

Nell: Of course not.

Me: I thought that was the idea.

Nell: The head of a gang of beefy seagulls does not just surrender over a cup of Earl Grey and a smoked salmon sandwich. However good it is.

Me: I suppose not.

Nell: He will be stopping, however, he just doesn’t know yet.

Me: Did he enjoy Poppy’s scones?

Nell: He ate three but what a messy eater. Crumbs everywhere and he talks with his beak full. He even got cream on his feathers and trod jam into the floor. Thank goodness we chose wooden flooring he would have ruined the carpet.

Me: It sounded like he had a lot to say?

Nell: An awful lot. I am an excellent listener and he was more than happy to show off about his various enterprises.

Me: I still don’t see how this is going to help. It’s all well and good that he boasted about it all to you but how are you going to prove anything?

Nell: Because I recorded it all on my phone. If he doesn’t stand down, it will be front page news in the Daily Growl tomorrow.

Me: I’m impressed.

Nell: So let’s start Phase Two and send Mr Seagull a copy of our conversation. Can you ask Poppy to lasso another Beefy while I transfer the recording to a memory stick?

Me: And then?

Nell: We place it in its beak and off it flies. Get a spring in your step. No time to waste.

Me: Yes, sorry.

Nell: Have you seen what is going on?

Me: No.

Nell: Seagulls everywhere. Not the usuals. Big beefy ones.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Swooping down on innocent people. Stealing food from children. Soiling our streets.

Me: That’s dreadful.

Nell: You haven’t even heard the worst of it.

Me: What?

Nell: They stole Poppy’s scones.

Me: No!

Nell: Oh yes. Freshly baked and still warm from the oven.

Me: What are we going to do?

Nell: Mutley and the Bulldog Boys are determined to go to war.

Me: Will we all be expected to fight, only I’m not really that keen on guns?

Nell: No. I’ve decided that this has all gone too far. I’m taking matters into my own paws.

Me: How?

Nell: I have invited Stephen Seagull to tea here tomorrow. Just the two of us. Mutley doesn’t need to know. He and the Bulldog Boys will be in London so we have the house to ourselves.

Me: How did you contact him?

Nell: Poppy caught a Beefy with her lasso and stuck a note for Mr Seagull in its beak.

Me: I didn’t know she had a lasso.

Nell: Of course, from her days as a cowgirl in Texas.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: She will organise tea. Finger sandwiches, smoked salmon and tuna followed by scones. Harriet will serve them.

Me: What about me?

Nell: You will wait until I give you the signal and will then disturb us.

Me: How exciting? What’s the signal? A whistle?

Nell: Why on earth would I whistle? No, I shall simply sneeze and complain of hay fever.

Me: Ok.

Me: Nell, there’s a seagull knocking at the door.

Nell: Ah, it’s back already. See if it has a note.

Me: It does.

Nell: Read it to me.

Me: It says: “Thank you for your kind invitation. I would be delighted to accept. Yours in anticipation, Stephen.”

Nell: Stephen, indeed. Ha!

Me: Actually I’m a bit worried about the anticipation part. It sounds like he’s ready to pounce.

Nell: I’m a labrador. Nobody pounces on me. Unless I want them to, of course.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: So how did it go?

Nell: England won. I’m exhausted.

Me: I mean the meeting.

Nell: There were a few hiccups.

Me: Dave’s hat was torn.

Nell: Yes, so they went to Starbarks as arranged but there was a message from The Beefies saying they had changed the venue to Featherstones.

Me: Oh no. Did Dave get his cappuccino?

Nell: Yes, and a blueberry muffin. You worry about the most ridiculous things.

Me: He gets hungry.

Nell: Anyway, they drove to Featherstones and went inside. The whole place was full of birds.

Me: What?

Nell: Everywhere. They sat down and then a deep voice said “Welcome, gentlemen. My name is Seagull. Stephen Seagull. What can I do for you today?”

Me: Goodness. Was that the Beefy boss?

Nell: Yes. Mutley started to tell him they had spoken to Dominic Simmons and knew about the fake jewellery but he just laughed.

Me: How rude.

Nell: Things went from bad to worse. Mutley tried to reason with them telling them to stop but all they did was shout and you know how annoying that is.

Me: I do.

Nell: Meanwhile David was outside in the car, eating his muffin and enjoying his cappuccino.

Me: Dear Dave.

Nell: When he saw a seagull land on the bonnet he wasn’t too worried as he likes birds, until it reached in and stole his muffin.

Me: Oh no!

Nell: And then another one started tugging at his hat and a third soiled the car windscreen.

Me: How disgusting!

Nell: Yes. David was left no choice and decided to press the horn. Mutley and the Bulldog Boys came rushing out followed by a huge flock of screaming seagulls.

Me: Terrifying.

Nell: They drove home at once and have been in meetings since they got back. Thank goodness for Woof’s App.

Me: Is Dave alright?

Nell: Yes, a little shaken but Poppy is making him some fresh muffins and Harriet is mending his hat. I do hope this doesn’t mean we will have to go to the mattresses.

Me: I don’t think anyone is tired yet.

Nell: No. It means going to war. Do keep up.

Me: Oh. Sorry.

Nell: So, I had a long chat with David before they left. He seemed fine.

Me: Good.

Nell: They are taking the Bulldog Boys’ black limousine. Reggie will drive with David next to him and Mutley and Ronnie in the back.

Me: I wish Dave was in the back.

Nell: You know David’s job is to keep a lookout when the others are inside and to sound the horn if he notices anything dodgy. He can’t do that from the back.

Me: He was wearing a black hat, sunglasses and a stripy tie when I saw him.

Nell: Yes. Mutley said that would be fine.

Me: Where are they meeting?

Nell: This is the good part. Starbarks has a branch in Plymouth and they are meeting there.

Me: I hope they get Dave a muffin and a cappuccino. It’s his favourite. Will John the Doberman be serving?

Nell: No, it will be his brother Junior. But Junior is a friend of ours if you get my drift.

Me: No, he isn’t. I’ve never met him.

Nell: Of ours, not mine.

Me: If he’s a friend of ours then he is definitely a friend of yours.

Nell: It’s Mafia speak for being part of The Firm. If someone is introduced as a friend of ours then they are one of us, if someone is only a friend of mine then they are an outsider.

Me: Well, that’s a bit mean.

Nell: I give up.

Me: Dave knows to look out for violin cases, doesn’t he?

Nell: Good grief. It’s Plymouth 2018 not 1920’s Chicago. Just get us some Earl Grey and calm down.

Me: Ok. Sorry.

Nell: Well, this is all very intriguing.

Me: What is?

Nell: Mutley and the Bulldog Boys just paid a visit to Dominic Simmons in town.

Me: And?

Nell: They took a closer look at his business and it confirmed their suspicions. The jewellery he tried to sell us yesterday was fake.

Me: Gosh! Does The Cat know?

Nell: Mutley doesn’t think so. Apparently Dominic Simmons promised The Cat a few trinkets in return for introductions and it had no idea.

Me: It does like shiny things.

Nell: All fur coat and no manners. Anyway, it turns out that Dominic Simmons is being blackmailed.

Me: Goodness me. Who is blackmailing him?

Nell: A gang of criminals called The Beefies based in Plymouth. They are using him as a front for their fakes. The Firm knew stuff was coming up to London from the South West and that’s why the Bulldog Boys came down here.

Me: Which firm?

Nell: Honestly, The Firm. You know Mutley is the Dogfather.

Me: I never knew Mutley was Italian.

Nell: Of course Mutley isn’t Italian.

Me: Should we tell the police?

Nell: Certainly not. This is something Mutley and the Bulldog Boys are going to deal with.

Me: There isn’t going to be a drive past shooting is there?

Nell: Good grief. They are just going down to Plymouth tomorrow for a face to face meeting with the gang leader.

Me: I wish they wouldn’t.

Nell: And they are thinking of taking David with them.

Me: No, they can’t.

Nell: David will stay in the car and sound the horn if someone comes.

Me: It’s Baby Driver all over again. High speed car chases, people getting shot, lots of cool music on David’s headphones while he drives at top speed through the angry streets.

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. David isn’t driving. I knew you shouldn’t have watched that film. Mutley will make sure David is safe.

Me: Yes. Sorry.