Nell: That’s Ann with David and Harriet.

Me: Yes. I just found out Ann reads our conversations every day so I said let’s take a photo.

Nell: Where was I?

Me: You were in the kitchen with Jane.

Nell: Why didn’t you take a photo of us?

Me: Jane doesn’t like having her photo taken.

Nell: I completely understand.

Me: So do I.

Nell: Although I’m used to it by now.

Me: You should be.

Nell: We’d be lost without Ann, Jane and Lisa, wouldn’t we?

Me: We certainly would. I’m afraid hoovering and cleaning isn’t as easy for me nowadays as it used to be.

Nell: Ann has a soft spot for Nigel.

Me: She does.

Nell: And Jane loves David.

Me: Everyone loves Dave but you get plenty of attention and so does Harriet.

Nell: They never complain about all the dog hair.

Me: No, and they’re always happy to give you dogs lots of cuddles.

Nell: Did I see Ann with our book?

Me: Yes, I gave her a signed copy of ‘Conversations with Nell’ for Christmas.

Nell: What about Jane?

Me: She already has one.

Nell: You should remind everyone that our book is the perfect Christmas present.

Me: Yes. It’s available on Amazon and at all good bookshops.

Nell: If anyone wants a signed copy you can send them a signed bookplate to put in the front for a small cost to cover the postage.

Me: I can. Just message me with what you want me to write and your address.

Nell: The link to the book on Amazon in the UK is https://amzn.eu/d/hwIbKH3 and in the US is https://a.co/d/hZUCctq.

Me: It really would make a lovely present even if I say it myself.

Nell: You have every right to say it.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Dave looks worried. Do you know why?

Nell: Kev said Julian was too big for the room.

Me: But Julian is the perfect shape for a Christmas tree.

Nell: And now David is afraid Julian is going to be trimmed.

Me: Nobody is going to touch Julian. You can tell Dave there is no need to worry.

Nell: He really cares about Julian.

Me: I hope he doesn’t care too much because Julian is only with us for Christmas.

Nell: I’m not telling David that.

Me: No. You’re probably right.

Nell: Some people think dogs are just for Christmas.

Me: I know they do. I can’t really bear to think about that, if I’m honest.

Nell: Neither can I. A dog is for life.

Me: Yes.

Nell: And beyond.

Me: I’d like to think so.

Nell: I know so. You and me. Always.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Now, what’s your opinion on Yorkshire Puddings with turkey?

Me: Personally, I don’t feel Yorkshires are needed at Christmas because there are so many other dishes.

Nell: I see. Well, you can place your vote but I think you’re going to lose.

Me: I didn’t know there was a vote.

Nell: Of course there’s a vote. Didn’t you get your voting sheet?

Me: No.

Nell: I’m sure you were handed one.

Me: Do you mean the Christmas menu?

Nell: Yes, but with boxes next to it.

Me: So I put a cross in the boxes next to my favourites?

Nell: Yes.

Me: I’m sure mine was just a list. I didn’t see any boxes.

Nell: Didn’t you?

Me: It is almost as if I don’t get a vote at all.

Nell: Surely not.

Me: I remember bacon being on there several times.

Nell: You can never have enough bacon.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Me: I’m glad Nigel has a best friend at home.

Nell: Even if it’s a cat?

Me: Look at them both enjoying themselves in front of the fire. Sweet boys.

Nell: Please don’t refer to that animal as sweet.

Me: Xav the Cat is lovely when you get to know him.

Nell: No, thank you.

Me: He’s ever so cuddly.

Nell: Excuse me?

Me: What?

Nell: Are you saying you’ve cuddled a cat?

Me: Of course I’ve cuddled a cat. I love cats.

Nell: I meant recently.

Me: Xav the Cat and I have had a few cuddles.

Nell: Unbelievable. David told me you smelt of cat but I struggled to believe it.

Me: Don’t be so dramatic. Talking of Dave, could you have a word with him about Nighttime Cuddles?

Nell: Nighttime Cuddles?

Me: He’s started snuggling right up to me at night and it’s a bit much.

Nell: I thought you enjoyed a Cuddle?

Me: He’s pushing me out of my own bed.

Nell: Clever animal.

Me: I wake up boiling hot on the edge of the mattress.

Nell: Securing his Territory. Good move.

Me: It’s my territory.

Nell: Is anyone else on the bed?

Me: Yes, Harriet. Kev’s downstairs with you.

Nell: Well, that explains it.

Me: Does it?

Nell: Yes. David and Harriet are simply maintaining their authority.

Me: What authority?

Nell: Chief Cuddlers. They can’t have anyone else muscling in.

Me: Nobody is muscling in. I just want my bed back.

Nell: You only have yourself to blame.

Me: Why?

Nell: If you’re going to cuddle cats you must expect consequences.

Me: It’s got nothing to do with cats.

Nell: That’s what you think.

Me: Did you plan this?

Nell: We have to stop you going over to the dark side too.

Me: Right. Sorry.

Me: I love the lead-up to Christmas. It’s such a magical time.

Nell: Talking of time, did you FaceTime with the family?

Me: Yes, the children are so excited about their visit to England.

Nell: I expect Chris is rather sad not to be coming over, too.

Me: He is.

Nell: David has fallen in love with the Christmas Tree.

Me: Bless him. He spent hours just gazing at it yesterday evening.

Nell: It’s a tree.

Me: It’s a beautiful tree.

Nell: Nevertheless.

Me: And it’s called Julian.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: I always name our trees.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: I felt like it was called Julian when I saw it.

Nell: I worry about you sometimes.

Me: And Jul means Christmas in Norwegian.

Nell: Julian isn’t Norwegian.

Me: He might be at heart, even though he was grown locally.

Nell: I was talking about the name. I’m not going to start pondering a tree’s nationality.

Me: Anyway, the grandchildren are going to love him,

Nell: Just like David.

Me: Is he still gazing at Julian?

Nell: Yes. I thought he would be less interested when it was lighter but he seems mesmerised.

Me: I hope there isn’t a squirrel in there.

Nell: What are you talking about?

Me: It’s possible.

Nell: No, it isn’t. No sensible squirrel would ever choose to come into a house with three Labradors, two bears, a flamingo and an octopus.

Me: Four Labradors at the weekends and squirrels aren’t sensible.

Nell: Cyril was.

Me: Cyril the Squirrel?

Nell: Yes. He did our books for a while.

Me: What books?

Nell: He managed our finances.

Me: You’re telling me our accountant was a squirrel called Cyril?

Nell: You just told me we have a Christmas Tree called Julian.

Me: That’s true. Sorry.

Me: Happy Second Advent. Look at those two sleeping beauties.

Nell: They were up late watching Christmas films.

Me: I’m glad we managed to find a lovely tree.

Nell: It’s too big.

Me: Yes, I forgot we have a smaller living room now.

Nell: It needs decorating.

Me: We’re all going to do that this afternoon.

Nell: Where’s Nigel? He’s always here at the weekend.

Me: He’s at his own home. Charlotte sent me a photo of him with two stolen tea towels.

Nell: He got the stealing idea from David.

Me: I know. He never stole tea towels before he and Dave started hanging out.

Nell: Hanging out?

Me: Yes. Spending time together.

Nell: Nigel should be here. He’s always here on a Sunday.

Me: Hang on a minute. I thought Nigel annoyed you?

Nell: You annoy me, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want you around.

Me: Well, thank you for that. I think.

Nell: I’m going to call him on his iBone. He can’t miss Sunday Songs and he needs his Sunday roast.

Me: Don’t bother him this early, Nell. He might be having a lie-in like the Puppies.

Nell: Nigel won’t mind being woken up by me. He never does.

Me: Are you and Nigel in touch regularly?

Nell: Of course we are.

Me: But Dave is his main buddy, isn’t he?

Nell: I’m afraid that dreadful animal Xav the Cat is Nigel’s best friend.

Me: Oh yes.

Nell: In fact, it’s probably that cat keeping him away from his loved ones.

Me: You’re a funny old thing, aren’t you?

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: You’re horrible to Nigel when he’s here but you miss him when he’s not.

Nell: Only at weekends. I’m fine without him in the week.

Me: Yes, of course. Sorry.

Me: Can we talk about dog beds, please?

Nell: If we must.

Me: I know you’re the Senior Labrador.

Nell: So I have the choice of bed.

Me: Yes, but when one of the others is fast asleep it would be kinder to let them stay in the bed and take the empty one next to it.

Nell: David was in the Best Bed.

Me: But when Dave got into the bed you were in the kitchen in another one.

Nell: I’m the Senior Labrador.

Me: You didn’t have to bark at him.

Nell: It was next to the fire. I need warmth during the colder months.

Me: Your bed in the kitchen is next to the radiator.

Nell: I wasn’t in the kitchen.

Me: You were at first.

Nell: A lady has the prerogative to change her mind.

Me: You’re becoming extremely demanding in your old age.

Nell: Moving on, you and Kev are choosing the Christmas tree today.

Me: I hope so. I’m not feeling my best but I’d like to choose it.

Nell: What’s wrong with you?

Me: I’m a bit sniffly and have a sore throat.

Nell: You shouldn’t have gone swimming yesterday.

Me: You might be right.

Nell: I’m always right.

Me: No, you’re not, Nell. This is exactly what I was talking about before.

Nell: Back to the tree, have you found the box of decorations?

Me: Yes. I thought they were in the loft but they were in the wardrobe.

Nell: Did you send Kev up into the loft for no reason?

Me: No. There was a reason. We were looking for the decorations.

Nell: Why didn’t you look in the wardrobe first?

Me: Because I only remembered when Kev shouted out ‘They’re not up here’.

Nell: And you criticise me.

Me: Sorry.

Me: Nigel is a handsome boy, isn’t he?

Nell: Nigel is not a boy. He’s a grown animal.

Me: He and Dave are always going to be boys to me.

Nell: It’s good to see him helping with the Bus Stop monitoring.

Me: You only really need to monitor it in the morning when the children are going to school.

Nell: People gather there at all times. We feel it’s our responsibility to keep them safe.

Me: Safe from what?

Nell: Who knows?

Me: I was going to say it’s not as if we have wild animals roaming around but then I remembered we do.

Nell: Don’t talk about the llamas like that.

Me: I meant Beauregard and the lions.

Nell: I know. I was joking. Talking of lions, how would you feel about inviting Lionel King to Christmas dinner?

Me: Absolutely not.

Nell: Rumour has it that both he and Lady Anwen will be spending Christmas alone.

Me: What about Bobby Socks?

Nell: I think an extra lion and a royal corgi will be more than enough without throwing a pony into the mix. Besides, Bobby is going to Padstow for the Palomino Party.

Me: A Palomino Party? In Cornwall? You made that up.

Nell: I did not. Padstow isn’t only about Rick Stein, you know. It’s renowned for its Palomino Parties.

Me: I don’t believe a word of it. Anyway, I don’t want that lion ruining our Christmas.

Nell: It’s supposed to be the Season of Goodwill. Where’s yours?

Me: We don’t have enough room.

Nell: We have the Village Hall.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: I knew there wouldn’t be room for everyone here so I booked the Village Hall.

Me: The Village Hall is awfully big.

Nell: So is our extended family.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Come and look at Dave. He’s wearing his favourite toy.

Nell: Has he put it over his head again?

Me: Yes, and he’s walking around proudly. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy,

Nell: Ridiculous Boy.

Me: I think he looks adorable.

Nell: He’ll do anything for attention.

Me: You’re the same.

Nell: I beg your pardon? When have I ever worn a horrible rubber ring on my head?

Me: You’re always barking orders.

Nell: Only because nobody listens. Do you realise it’s only just over two weeks until the family arrive?

Me: I know. It’s very exciting.

Nell: There’s still so much to do.

Me: Don’t worry.

Nell: We’ve fixed the Christmas wreath to the front door but where’s the Christmas tree?

Me: We’re going to choose one this weekend.

Nell: Make sure it’s a nice shape and not too tall. The living room is a lot smaller than our old one.

Me: Kev usually chooses the tree. It speaks to him.

Nell: What nonsense.

Me: He says it speaks to him every year.

Nell: I see, if Kev said it then it must be true.

Me: But not if I say it?

Nell: You have far too much imagination for your own good.

Me: And Kev doesn’t?

Nell: He keeps his under control.

Me: You’re such a Daddy’s girl, Nell.

Nell: Moving on, Herr Hoffmann is taking Frau Hoffmann out to dinner this evening so David will be cooking with the help of Manuel and Malcolm.

Me: I’m not sure that’s a good idea.

Nell: David has been training as a sous chef for years.

Me: Is that what you call it?

Nell: Yes, there’s been some Eating by Mistake but he’s learnt a lot.

Me: What are we having?

Nell: Burgers.

Me: Takeaway?

Nell: Certainly not.

Me: Sorry.

Me: You’re all looking rather serious this morning.

Nell: It’s early. We haven’t had breakfast yet. What are you doing downstairs?

Me: It’s my Wednesday Writers workshop soon so I thought we could have a little chat before then.

Nell: I can’t talk to anyone until I’ve had a cup of Earl Grey and some hot buttered toast with homemade marmalade.

Me: Was that a hint?

Nell: It was a polite request.

Me: There’s something about marmalade in the morning, isn’t there? I wouldn’t eat it at any other time of day.

Nell: Yes, it’s more of a morning food, although I wouldn’t say no to a marmalade sponge.

Me: With custard?

Nell: Of course. Sponge without custard is like a dog without a collar.

Me: I should really get you a new collar for Christmas. People keep thinking you’re a boy called Neil.

Nell: I quite like my boy’s collar. I’m used to it.

Me: You had a special collar for our publicity photos when the book came out.

Nell: Yes, I remember it well.

Me: It was pinky-purple with a matching lead.

Nell: It was. Dave ate it.

Me: Yes. Would you like another one?

Nell: Not really. He’ll only eat it again.

Me: He was very young then, Nell.

Nell: He still does it.

Me: It’s just excitement.

Nell: So, is there any chance of that toast and marmalade?

Me: Oh yes, I forgot.

Nell: You might as well make a pot of Earl Grey while you’re there.

Me: Which reminds me to say thank you to all of you who bought us a cup of Earl Grey. We’re very grateful.

Nell: I’d be grateful if you could stop talking and go and get my breakfast.

Me: Alright, Bossy Paws.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: Sorry.

Nell: I need some answers from you, madam.

Me: Oh dear. I know that face. What have I done now?

Nell: Where were you yesterday afternoon?

Me: I went over to Nigel’s house for a cup of tea.

Nell: Was anyone else there?

Me: My sister Charlotte, of course.

Nell: Just Charlotte?

Me: No. Xav the Cat joined us for Fun and Cuddles.

Nell: Fun and Cuddles?

Me: Yes.

Nell: With a cat?

Me: You go over to The Cat’s all the time.

Nell: The Cat is different.

Me: I know The Cat’s different but it’s still a cat.

Nell: And there might be Fun but there are never Cuddles.

Me: Xav is affectionate. He loves to sit on my lap.

Nell: Everyone knows about this betrayal.

Me: What betrayal?

Nell: You came home yesterday absolutely reeking of cat. We had to open the windows. David was shocked to the core. Poor boy.

Me: Stop exaggerating. Dave and I spent a lovely evening cuddling.

Nell: His heart wasn’t really in it. He knew you had gone over to the dark side.

Me: I don’t know why you don’t like cats.

Nell: They’re not to be trusted.

Me: Well, I love cats.

Nell: Don’t expect them to love you back. It’s all show.

Me: No, it isn’t.

Nell: Turn your head and they’ll be pushing your bowl off the table.

Me: Nonsense.

Nell: Show them something new and shiny and they’re off.

Me: That’s not true. Xav is Nigel’s best friend.

Nell: I always knew there was something I didn’t trust about Nigel.

Me: Don’t start all that.

Nell: And now I know. He has a cat as a best friend.

Me: So do you.

Nell: I do not. Dorothy is my best friend. Everyone knows that.

Me: Of course. Sorry.