Me: Happy Fourth Advent.

Nell: Never mind all that. We have a situation on our paws.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: Nigel is guarding the bunk beds ready for the grandchildren’s arrival.

Me: I know. It’s sweet of him.

Nell: But so is the Stuffed Tiger.

Me: Yes, he’s on the top bunk with the Cuddle Nells.

Nell: Nigel hates the Stuffed Tiger.

Me: You’re not fond of it either.

Nell: Nigel really hates it.

Me: He definitely doesn’t like it. He tried to bite it one time when Kev was carrying it upstairs.

Nell: Exactly. This is a potentially awkward situation.

Me: But Nigel doesn’t know the Stuffed Tiger is up there.

Nell: What if he looks up?

Me: Well, he’s probably not going to be very pleased.

Nell: You need to tell that Tiger to leave.

Me: No, the children love it.

Nell: Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Me: Is everyone ready?

Nell: No, it’s first thing in the morning.

Me: I can’t sleep.

Nell: Are you tracking their flight?

Me: Yes. They just left Berlin. Christmas is about to begin.

Nell: Sunday Songs today is flexible.

Me: We’re singing carols, aren’t we?

Nell: Only if you have time. Everyone knows you and Kev might have to leave early to get to the station.

Me: Good.

Nell: Do you have your Santa hat?

Me: Do I need one?

Nell: Of course you do. Your dear departed mother started the tradition of Santa hats years ago when she collected you from the airport one Christmas.

Me: You’re right. I don’t need a beard, do I?

Nell: Now you’re being ridiculous. Only David will be wearing a beard.

Me: Dave will?

Nell: Someone has to. Finish your breakfast and find your hat. Not long now.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Why are you awake so early?

Me: I’m too excited to sleep. Only one more day until the family arrive.

Nell: Harriet is the same. She can’t settle. She just keeps looking out of the window.

Me: I love her Santa hat.

Nell: She was only supposed to try it on but now she won’t take it off.

Me: Bless her. She’s going to be so pleased to see the children tomorrow.

Nell: She’s not the only one.

Me: It’s been over a year since you saw them last. They’ll have changed a lot.

Nell: Faye has never spent Christmas with us.

Me: You’re right. It’s her first English Christmas.

Nell: And Johnny was only very young and probably doesn’t remember.

Me: All the more reason to make it extra special.

Nell: We’re going to make sure of that. Don’t you worry.

Me: I want to get everything Just Right for them.

Nell: Stop all that nonsense. Nobody gets everything Just Right. Not even me.

Me: Well, Nearly Right, then.

Nell: Christmas is all about Being Together. Things don’t have to be perfect. In fact, it’s the mistakes you remember and laugh about the most.

Me: True. Like the time my mother accidentally served the gravy as soup and only realised what she’d done when she found the saucepan full of soup.

Nell: It probably wasn’t funny for her at the time.

Me: No, but it makes a good story.

Nell: Don’t do that with our gravy, please.

Me: I’m sure Herr Hoffmann will have it all under control.

Nell: All that needs to be done now is to complete the final touches before they arrive.

Me: We’re going to have a wonderful Christmas, aren’t we?

Nell: Of course we are. The family will be here.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Dave’s looking a little serious this morning. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. Do you know why?

Nell: Perhaps you should have attended Morning Thoughts this morning.

Me: I’m never at Morning Thoughts. It’s my writing time.

Nell: You might need to reconsider that in future.

Me: Why? Was I missed?

Nell: There was quite a heated discussion about David’s Chair.

Me: David’s Chair?

Nell: You’re doing that repeating thing again.

Me: Dave doesn’t have a chair.

Nell: He said you would say that.

Me: He doesn’t. He shares my chair.

Nell: He said you would say that, too.

Me: It’s the truth.

Nell: Whatever. Do you agree that David sits in it?

Me: Yes.

Nell: With, or without you?

Me: Yes. Sometimes Nigel does, too.

Nell: Don’t bring Nigel into this, please.

Me: Why not?

Nell: It’s a sensitive subject.

Me: I don’t mind if Nigel sits in my chair now and again.

Nell: And there we have it.

Me: Have what?

Nell: The whole problem.

Me: What problem?

Nell: You see David’s Chair as your chair and we know it’s his.

Me: It’s my chair, Nell. Kev and I chose it because there’s plenty of room for Dave to sit on it with me but it’s still mine.

Nell: Is it though?

Me: Yes.

Nell: It has come to our notice that you have been trying to squeeze David out of his own chair.

Me: What?

Nell: Using cushions.

Me: I need them for my back.

Nell: He has hardly any room at all.

Me: He has plenty of room.

Nell: We have evidence.

Me: This is nonsense.

Nell: Fortunately David is a forgiving animal and still happy to share his chair with you.

Me: That’s a relief.

Nell: Fewer cushions in future though, please.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Did I hear Harriet singing this morning?

Nell: Yes, she’s practising her solo for the carol singing.

Me: Is it for Sunday Songs?

Nell: No. They’re going around the village this evening.

Me: They? Is she going with Dave?

Nell: Amongst others.

Me: The Welsh Corgi Choir?

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t have a whole choir knocking on people’s doors.

Me: Well, who is going carol singing?

Nell: David, Rupert, The Cat, Babycakes Gillespie, Gladys and a couple of llamas, and Henry and Horst, of course.

Me: But they’re woodlice. Nobody is going to hear them.

Nell: It’s the taking part that counts.

Me: Can they walk that far?

Nell: They’ll be riding on David’s hat. Do keep up.

Me: And the llamas can’t sing.

Nell: They’ll be dancing with Gladys. They’re extremely popular with the village children.

Me: I wouldn’t have thought The Cat would be interested in carol singing.

Nell: It’s only going along to show off its latest Christmas outfit.

Me: Is it sparkly?

Nell: Let’s just say it’s taking sequins to the next level.

Me: The village is going to love that. Is anyone else joining in?

Nell: Lionel King. He has a beautiful voice.

Me: I can’t believe it, Nell. He’s a bad animal.

Nell: He’s lonely and it’s Christmas.

Me: Nevertheless.

Nell: Enough.

Me: Why didn’t anyone ask me if I wanted to go carol singing? I used to sing in a choir.

Nell: They didn’t need to ask you.

Me: Why not?

Nell: Because I already told them you’d be happy to join in.

Me: You did?

Nell: Yes. You might be a slow walker but you can still sing and you love carols.

Me: I do.

Nell: Well, go and practise with the others then. They’re waiting.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Cheeky Animal. I win.

Nell: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Me: I saw you stick your tongue out, Nell.

Nell: Stick my tongue out?

Me: Yes, I saw you.

Nell: You must be mistaken.

Me: I’m not. I’ve got a photo of you as evidence.

Nell: Let me see.

Me: Look. Your tongue is hanging out.

Nell: I’m licking my lips.

Me: It doesn’t matter. If you stick your tongue out and I catch you, I win.

Nell: Did you say ‘Cheeky Animal’?

Me: Yes, just now.

Nell: Just now is too late.

Me: You can’t get more Now than Just Now.

Nell: You most certainly can. The clue is in the Just.

Me: Now you’re nitpicking.

Nell: I’m doing nothing of the sort. Rules are rules.

Me: You’re incorrigible.

Nell: I’m also right and I win.

Me: How can you win if you aren’t playing?

Nell: Easily. Now, where are we on the bunk bed situation?

Me: I want to wait to make them up until I’m absolutely sure there won’t be any tigers or lions sleeping on the beds.

Nell: Do llamas count?

Me: Any animal does.

Nell: Even David and Harriet?

Me: Yes, and Nigel. If the grandchildren choose to invite an animal to share the bed it’s fine but not until then.

Nell: That wretched Stuffed Tiger will be remaining on top of the chest of drawers then I presume?

Me: No. I’m going to move it onto the top bunk bed.

Nell: Excuse me?

Me: It’s not real, Nell. It’s stuffed.

Nell: So you have one rule for all of us and another for that tiger?

Me: The Cuddle Nells are allowed on the bunk beds, too.

Nell: That’s fine. They’re different.

Me: Why?

Nell: They’re Nells.

Me: Yes, of course. Sorry.

Me: Dave fell out of bed last night.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: He was sleeping at the end of my bed and he rolled over the wrong way and ended up on the floor with a big bang.

Nell: Oh dear.

Me: I jumped out of bed immediately. Fortunately he was a little surprised but fine.

Nell: I expect you were a little surprised.

Me: You could say that. Didn’t you hear the bang?

Nell: I thought it was just one of the Big Cats jumping down from the bunk bed.

Me: The Big Cats aren’t supposed to be in the bunk beds.

Nell: Don’t worry. They’ve gone now.

Me: We can’t have tigers and lions moving in whenever they feel like it.

Nell: There was no room at the Tree House.

Me: The grandchildren are arriving on Sunday.

Nell: The first thing they’ll do is move that wretched Stuffed Tiger into their room.

Me: It’s not real.

Nell: Which is exactly what it wants you to think.

Me: It’s stuffed, Nell.

Nell: It’s smiling.

Me: It’s happy because it’s been sharing the top of the chest of drawers with the Cuddle Nells.

Nell: It’s a sly creature and it’s listening to everything we say.

Me: Nigel hates it.

Nell: I don’t blame him.

Me: I think I might just move the Stuffed Tiger onto the bunk beds once they’ve been made so he’s waiting to welcome them.

Nell: I can’t believe you just said that.

Me: Why?

Nell: We dogs are the ones waiting to welcome them. And if anyone is sleeping on a bunk bed it will be Harriet and only on the bottom bed.

Me: What about Dave?

Nell: We can’t have David rolling the wrong way again. The mere idea.

Me: You’re right. Sorry.

Me: Nigel looks distinguished in this photo, doesn’t he?

Nell: Monday is not a Nigel Day.

Me: A Nigel Day?

Nell: Nigel is here at weekends. Not Mondays.

Me: I know. I took this photo at the weekend.

Nell: Weekdays are our days.

Me: Are you getting jealous of Nigel again?

Nell: Just saying.

Me: Is it because he spent most of the weekend in Kev’s study on the bunk bed?

Nell: The bunk beds have been stripped and are airing ready to be made up for the grandchildren.

Me: I know.

Nell: So Nigel can’t sleep in there anymore.

Me: He can still sleep on the floor next to Kev if he wants to.

Nell: Kev and I are the ones with a Special Bond. Not Nigel.

Me: I thought you liked Nigel again? You miss him when he isn’t there.

Nell: I do not.

Me: And by the way, I thought it was you and I who had the Special Bond?

Nell: Relax. Jealousy is most unbecoming.

Me: I can’t believe you said that when you’re clearly jealous of Nigel.

Nell: Moving on, I need you to buy pyjamas.

Me: For the llamas?

Nell: Don’t be silly.

Me: They love their pyjamas, Nell.

Nell: I know. I mean for the family. We always lay out new pyjamas for them when they visit.

Me: Yes, we do.

Nell: I wish the llamas would wear dressing gowns. Prancing around in pyjamas in this weather is madness.

Me: Some might say it was madness in any weather.

Nell: There’s nothing wrong with a quick stroll outside in your pyjamas in the summer months.

Me: Isn’t there?

Nell: But in the winter dressing gowns must be worn.

Me: Maybe the llamas don’t have dressing gowns?

Nell: Now you’re being ridiculous.

Me: Sorry.

Me: You’d better tell me what happened.

Nell: Why do you think something’s happened?

Me: You’re looking guilty, Dave is looking very guilty and he’s wearing one ear back and Harriet is filthy.

Nell: I don’t look guilty.

Me: You most certainly do.

Nell: Dave sometimes likes to wear his ears back.

Me: He can’t even look at me. And what about the state of Harriet?

Nell: Harriet is an outdoorsy sort of dog.

Me: She’s covered in mud.

Nell: There might have been a disturbance at the recreation ground this morning.

Me: Disturbance?

Nell: A slight kerfuffle.

Me: What did you do?

Nell: I wasn’t there.

Me: No, but Dave and Harriet were there, weren’t they?

Nell: They might have been.

Me: And what might have happened?

Nell: They might have run into the middle of the Beefy Choir rehearsal.

Me: The one for Sunday Songs this morning?

Nell: Yes.

Me: For Carols of Unity?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Where we were all supposed to sing together in harmony?

Nell: Maybe.

Me: That was really naughty.

Nell: It is what it is.

Me: What does that mean?

Nell: We’re dogs and they’re birds. What can I say? Sometimes a dog’s gotta do what a dog’s gotta do.

Me: Did they scatter everywhere?

Nell: They did.

Me: They’re not going to be singing at Sunday Songs, are they?

Nell: Probably not.

Me: No Carols of Unity.

Nell: We’ll all be there with the Welsh Corgi Choir and the Whippets Institute.

Me: We were trying to put our differences aside for Christmas.

Nell: Hey ho. You win some and you lose some.

Me: You planned this, didn’t you?

Nell: Let’s just enjoy our bacon sandwiches and look forward to Christmas. Only one week to go before the family arrive.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I admire Nigel’s dedication to Bus Stop Monitoring but it’s Saturday and the children aren’t going to school.

Nell: It’s always best to be prepared.

Me: For what?

Nell: Any Eventualities.

Me: Like what?

Nell: A visiting red fox terrier lost his cap in the wind yesterday.

Me: Really?

Nell: Yes. If it wasn’t for our Bus Stop Monitoring it would never have been found.

Me: How far did it fly?

Nell: Right across the road and into a neighbour’s garden.

Me: How did you get it back?

Nell: Let’s just say it’s fortunate that llamas have long necks.

Me: I didn’t know the llamas were involved.

Nell: Llamas are always involved. In one way or another.

Me: Was the fox red terrier pleased?

Nell: Eventually.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: I’m not sure he was expecting to see a llama.

Me: Lucky the lions weren’t out.

Nell: Lionel King was around, actually, but he decided to keep a low profile.

Me: Around?

Nell: He had come to see me about Christmas dinner, if you must know.

Me: I don’t want that lion here at Christmas, Nell.

Nell: Well, I’m afraid you’ve been outvoted.

Me: I didn’t know there was a vote.

Nell: I put it to the family and they said it was fine.

Me: They did?

Nell: Yes. The grandchildren are positively excited about it.

Me: They are?

Nell: It’s not every day you get to share Christmas dinner with a lion.

Me: There’s going to be an excess of lions and tigers.

Nell: Why?

Me: Mrs King and Roary are joining us and Dave said he and the Big Cat Vibe will be performing.

Nell: Have they cleared it with the committee?

Me: What committee?

Nell: The Christmas Committee. Do keep up.

Me: Right, Sorry.

Me: It’s cold in Canada.

Nell: It’s December. Of course it’s cold.

Me: And really snowy.

Nell: I can see that.

Me: Chris says Marvin doesn’t want to come out from under his blanket.

Nell: I don’t blame him.

Me: Look at his little face.

Nell: Look at all that snow.

Me: I don’t think we’re getting any snow down here in Devon.

Nell: Well, don’t tell the llamas. They’re hoping for a White Christmas.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Rupert’s been telling them about growing up in Canada and now they want to go sledging and snowball fighting, too.

Me: I keep forgetting he’s a Canadian wolf. Do you think he misses home?

Nell: No. When I asked him, he said, ‘Home is where you are, Nelly.’

Me: What a lovely thing to say.

Nell: Rupert is my rock.

Me: Winter suits him. Just like Autumn suits Harriet.

Nell: I know what you mean.

Me: It’s the time of year for knitwear.

Nell; I beg your pardon?

Me: Cardigans, shawls and woolly hats come into their own in Winter.

Nell: I suppose they do.

Me: And sitting in front of the fire with a good book.

Nell: And a cup of Earl Grey and a gingerbread biscuit.

Me: Herr Hoffmann’s gingerbread is the best.

Nell: Yes, it’s excellent.

Me: Germans are good at Christmas.

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: The traditions and quiet beauty of it.

Nell: I see.

Me: Candles and Christmas markets.

Nell: Yes.

Me: We’re good at the noisy fun bit.

Nell: It’s certainly going to be noisy this year.

Me: I can’t wait. We haven’t had a noisy Christmas in years. Only just over a week before they arrive. I’m so excited.

Nell: I noticed. Have you seen the time?

Me: I couldn’t sleep. Sorry.