Me: February is a bit bleak and grey, isn’t it?

Nell: I thought we weren’t supposed to be discussing the weather.

Me: I can’t help it. I’m pining for Spring.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: We need some brightness in our lives.

Nell: We saw some snowdrops on our walk.

Me: Yes, they were lovely.

Nell: David is allowed out and about again without a bodyguard.

Me: Nigel was still there.

Nell: Out of choice, not necessity.

Me: True.

Nell: You’re feeling down because of your sore throat.

Me: Probably.

Nell: You’ve been told to take it easy and rest, so do that, please.

Me: I’ll tell you who isn’t resting. The Cat.

Nell: The Cat has its paws in many pies.

Me: I’ve no idea what that means but it has a particular air of busyness about it at the moment.

Nell: That’s because it’s half-term and Catkin is coming to visit.

Me: Catkin?

Nell: Yes. The Cat’s young niece.

Me: How exciting. I love kittens.

Nell: Kittens are troublesome creatures. They’re into everything and never listen.

Me: I hope The Cat will bring Catkin over for a visit.

Nell: I’m sure it will. It’s not looking forward to coping with it alone.

Me: Have you told the others?

Nell: Yes. The whole house is on full alert.

Me: Why?

Nell: Nothing is safe from a kitten. The insects are wearing armour.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: And all the birds have been told to tuck their feathers in.

Me: Into what?

Nell: How should I know?

Me: Stray feathers are tempting.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: I hope you dogs don’t decide to chase it.

Nell: I beg your pardon.

Me: I know what you’re like with cats.

Nell: Catkin is part of the family, just like The Cat.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Me: I think we might need to stop grumbling about the weather.

Nell: Why? It’s something we British do particularly well.

Me: Look at the state of Marvin in Toronto.

Nell: He does look a little cold.

Me: He looks freezing. Poor little thing.

Nell: My friend Dorothy said it was so windy in Dartmouth she lost her hat outside Barks and Spencer.

Me: That is not the same thing.

Nell: And Princess said she and Sir Roger Blubbery had awfully cold flippers after their swim in the sea and had to clap each other for ages to get warm again.

Me: They just love clapping. It’s a seal thing.

Nell: Their clapping is dreadfully disruptive. I could hardly hear The Beetles at Sunday Songs.

Me: Nobody could. If the Welsh Corgi Choir hadn’t joined in the chorus we wouldn’t have heard anything at all.

Nell: Rupert has a new line of hats and scarves he would like us to try out. They’re particularly soft and are all in one.

Me: Like my wolf hat?

Nell: No. Rupert only does woollens. He’s Knitwear Wolf not Fake Fur Wolf.

Me: I think Marvin might be wearing a snood in that photo.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: It’s a scarf and you can pull it right up over your ears.

Nell: That’s what I’ve been talking about.

Me: No. This doesn’t have dangly bits. It’s a knitted tube and ideal for really cold weather.

Nell: I’m not wearing a tube.

Me: I used to wear them all the time in Berlin. They kept me lovely and warm.

Nell: A simple hat and scarf is fine for me. No need for any snoods in Devon.

Me: Dorothy wouldn’t have lost a snood outside Barks and Spencer.

Nell: Enough.

Me: Just saying. Sorry.

Me: We need to talk about the Semicircle of Power and not letting anyone in without a password.

Nell: Have you tried one of these croissants? They’re excellent.

Me: The Semicircle doesn’t actually belong to you. It’s part of the Dog and Dash activity field.

Nell: This homemade raspberry jam is exceptional. Frau Hoffmann says she used a recipe from the Whippets Institute.

Me: I know you’re ignoring me.

Nell: Sunday Songs is all about Love today with songs from The Beetles.

Me: It’s Beatles as in ‘beat’.

Nell: I think you’ll find it isn’t. Henry and Horst are singing, so it’s definitely an insect band.

Me: I can never hear a word they say.

Nell: David will interpret. He has keen ears.

Me: I hope the Welsh Corgi Choir are still performing.

Nell: Of course they are. You can’t have Sunday Songs without them.

Me: Anyway, back to the Semicircle. Harriet tried to come in and so did Nigel, but you turned them away.

Nell: We’re having roast beef for lunch with all the trimmings, including heart shaped Yorkshire Puddings which is not an easy thing to achieve.

Me: Talking of hearts, I heard you say you had three Valentine cards.

Nell: Did I ?

Me: Yes. Who were they from?

Nell: Never you mind.

Me: I know Knitwear Wolf sent you one but I hope that wretched lion didn’t.

Nell: Lionel King is not who you think he is.

Me: Well, Roi definitely wasn’t responsible for sending any cards, although it might have been the Beefies, I suppose.

Nell: I wish you would stop talking to that rook.

Me: And I wish you’d stop shutting people out of the Semicircle.

Nell: More tea?

Me: I know you can hear me.

Nell: Pass me your cup, then.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I hope Nigel isn’t still supposed to be Dave’s bodyguard.

Nell: Why?

Me: Because he’s fast asleep in front of the fire and Dave’s gone shopping with The Cat.

Nell: Well, we won’t be seeing David for the rest of the day.

Me: Surely he’ll be back for lunch?

Nell: The Cat always lunches out when it goes shopping.

Me: Should Nigel have gone with them?

Nell: No. Nothing’s going to happen to David when The Cat is there. Birds hate cats.

Me: Malcolm doesn’t.

Nell: Malcolm’s a shy flamingo. He’d never tell you if he did.

Me: Owl Pacino likes The Cat and so does Walter Pigeon.

Nell: Owl Pacino is scared of nothing and nobody and Walter is Walter. Are you going to keep listing birds who like cats?

Me: Not any cats. The Cat. It’s special.

Nell: Yes, I know.

Me: If Dave’s gone shopping with The Cat, it’s highly likely he’s going to come home wearing a feathered hat.

Nell: Better than a feather boa like last time.

Me: True. Birds probably particularly dislike feathered hats and feather boas.

Nell: Why?

Me: It’s like me wearing a Labrador fur hat, or scarf.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: Sheep and alpacas don’t mind.

Nell: Why would they?

Me: And neither do the llamas.

Nell: Llamas don’t mind about anything, in my experience, as long as they can have fun and cartwheel.

Me: Yes. You can wear their hair as much as you like. It bothers them not a jot.

Nell: Have you quite finished?

Me: In fact, Knitwear Wolf has built his whole business around it. And so has The Cat.

Nell: Never talk about wearing a Labrador fur hat and scarf again.

Me: I was just saying.

Nell: The mere idea.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: You need to wake the puppies. Herr Hoffmann has made heart-shaped rolls to go with their morning eggs and they’re getting cold.

Me: Happy Valentine’s Day, Nell. Did you get any cards?

Nell: I did.

Me: How many?

Nell: Three. One of them was obviously from you.

Me: Why would you think that?

Nell: It was signed with a question mark which is exactly what you would do.

Me: Except, I didn’t.

Nell: Why did David and Harriet get one, too?

Me: I don’t know. Did Kev get one?

Nell: No.

Me: If anyone was going to get a card from me it would be Kev.

Nell: He did, but you signed his.

Me: You said I didn’t.

Nell: I said Kev didn’t get one with a question mark.

Me: I’m actually rather glad about that.

Nell: So, you didn’t send them?

Me: No. I’ll have to tell Roi about this. He’s going to find it very interesting.

Nell: I wish you wouldn’t talk to that rook every day. What else have you told it?

Me: Nothing of consequence. He likes hearing about everyday things.

Nell: Really?

Me: I suppose when you’re the head of a big bad organisation like NOIR it’s rather nice to talk about more mundane things.

Nell: Has he told you he’s the head of NOIR?

Me: Not officially.

Nell: Why does that not surprise me?

Me: When I asked him, he just laughed.

Nell: You asked him?

Me: Of course I did. If I’m going to be friends with a baddy it’s best to know.

Nell: He tried to kidnap David.

Me: Roi would never do that.

Nell: No, he would let his minions do it for him.

Me: Let’s just eat our heart-shaped rolls and think about love.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: Sorry.

Me: Look at darling Marvin, all snuggled up.

Nell: It’s very cold in Toronto.

Me: I know. Chris sent me photos of the snow. It looks beautiful.

Nell: Marvin is from Texas. He feels the cold.

Me: He went on quite a journey when Chris and Shannon rescued him, didn’t he?

Nell: Yes. In more ways than one.

Me: I can’t wait to finally meet him in August when I fly over for the wedding.

Nell: Excuse me?

Me: I’m flying over to Toronto in August. I told you.

Nell: What about me?

Me: You’ll be fine. Kev is staying home with you all.

Nell: If Chris is getting married, I should be there.

Me: Well, you can’t be, Nell. You wouldn’t like flying and there’s no way we could afford it.

Nell: I’ve flown before, you know.

Me: That was with Poppy in her helicopter. Anyway, I need you here looking after everyone.

Nell: Talking of looking after people, why was David upstairs last night? He was told to stay downstairs.

Me: I heard him crying at the bottom of the stairs so I had to let him upstairs, Nell.

Nell: He was supposed to be Giving You Space. You’re not very well at the moment.

Me: It’s just a sore throat. Nothing to worry about.

Nell: He sits on you.

Me: I know he does. It’s his way of letting me know he’s there.

Nell: He has to stop. The insects live in fear of their lives.

Me: He wouldn’t sit on Henry and Horst.

Nell: Have you heard from your friend Roi today?

Me: Not yet.

Nell: You know Roi means ‘king’ in French, don’t you?

Me: Oh yes.

Nell: You’re probably friends with the head of NOIR.

Me: How exciting.

Nell: I give up.

Me: Sorry.

Me: I love the way the puppies’ ears just flop around.

Nell: Harriet’s ears are acceptable but David’s are inside out.

Me: He can’t help it, Nell. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: He needs to behave. The Bowling Incident is not forgotten.

Me: But he had such fun.

Nell: At least we’ve heard from Sally and the diamonds are back with their rightful owner, so there’s nothing the Beefies, or NOIR, can do.

Me: Who is the rightful owner?

Nell: If I knew, which I don’t, I wouldn’t tell you. You’re the worst non-spy I ever met.

Me: I wonder why that rook is still calling me if it knows the diamonds have been returned.

Nell: Does it ask for David?

Me: No, it just wants a chat.

Nell: A chat?

Me: Yes, I think it might be lonely.

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous.

Me: Even bad birds can be lonely, you know.

Nell: What do you talk about?

Me: Bowling.

Nell: Bowling?

Me: Yes, I said I quite enjoyed it but I found the bowls really heavy and it said that’s why it prefers crazy golf.

Nell: Crazy golf?

Me: Now, you’re doing that repeating thing.

Nell: I don’t believe this.

Me: It said flamingos are particularly good at crazy golf as they don’t need a club at all.

Nell: I give up.

Me: And I said I’d ask Malcolm if he played.

Nell: Why?

Me: Because he’s a flamingo.

Nell: I meant why are you engaging in conversation with a member of NOIR.

Me: I enjoy our little chats.

Nell: Do you even know if you’re talking to the same rook?

Me: Yes. I’ve saved his number under Roi so I know it’s him.

Nell: Roi?

Me: Yes. That’s his name. He’s French. Didn’t I tell you? Sorry.

Me: Why is Nigel sitting on the sofa facing the wall?

Nell: He needs to have a long hard think about what he’s done, or rather hasn’t done.

Me: What are you talking about?

Nell: Nigel is not taking his job seriously.

Me: What job?

Nell: He’s supposed to be David’s bodyguard.

Me: I know.

Nell: Instead of guarding David he was playing Shenanigans with Harriet upstairs on the bed.

Me: Are you sure it was Shenanigans?

Nell: There was definitely a lot of twirling and paws in the air.

Me: Everyone needs to let off steam now and again. I’m sure Dave was fine on his own for a short time.

Nell: David went bowling.

Me: What?

Nell: With the llamas.

Me: Outdoor, or indoor?

Nell: Indoor, it’s raining. But that’s not the point.

Me: No, of course not. They have indoor bowling at my gym by the quay.

Nell: That’s where they went. He used your card.

Me: Naughty Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: After bowling they went and bought fish and chips and ate them outside by the sea.

Me: I thought you said it was raining.

Nell: It had stopped and they had raincoats and hats.

Me: It sounds like a lovely time was had by all.

Nell: David is supposed to be Lying Low.

Me: Did he see any rooks?

Nell: No, but the Beefies arrived and started yelling for chips.

Me: They always do that. Greedy hooligans.

Nell: So now everyone knows where David is.

Me: They’ve known for ages.

Nell: No, they haven’t.

Me: As I said to that annoying rook the last time it called ‘ Stop pestering Dave. He doesn’t have the diamonds and he doesn’t want to talk to you.’

Nell: I can’t believe you said that.

Me: It’s true. Sorry.

Me: It’s nice to see you smiling in a photo for a change.

Nell: Do you realise everyone can see where David ate the front of your hat?

Me: Yes, but I have to wear my all-encasing hat because we’re incognito.

Nell: We’re not incognito.

Me: I thought we were?

Nell: It’s David who has to lie low. That’s why he stayed at home.

Me: Why did Nigel stay at home?

Nell: Nigel is David’s bodyguard. Remember?

Me: Oh yes.

Nell: Did that rook call you back?

Me: I’ve blocked its number.

Nell: Why did you do that?

Me: I’m not supposed to talk to rooks.

Nell: We need to know what’s going on.

Me: I’ll unblock it then. Being a spy is awfully tiring.

Nell: You’re not a spy.

Me: We don’t even know if the rook who called is actually a rook. It might have been a flamingo with a sore throat.

Nell: Why would a flamingo ask for David?

Me: Or a pigeon, or an owl.

Nell: Pigeons and owls sound different.

Me: You didn’t talk to it.

Nell: It said ‘caw’.

Me: It might have simply been enthusiastic.

Nell: Fine. If any kind of bird calls you again put it on loudspeaker.

Me: What if it’s a private call? I’ll have to tell it.

Nell: No, you won’t.

Me: How will I know it’s the rook?

Nell: If it’s an unknown number put it on loudspeaker and call me, or Harriet.

Me: What if you aren’t there?

Nell: Then get Rupert, or Nigel.

Me: It isn’t an unknown number, by the way. I saved it under Notorious Organisation of Rooks.

Nell: We don’t know it’s NOIR. We’re just surmising.

Me: Maybe I should ask it the next time it calls?

Nell: I give up.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: David and Nigel are pretending to be asleep to get out of laying the table.

Me: I don’t think they are pretending

Nell: Their eyes are open.

Me: You dogs do that even when you’re asleep. It’s most disconcerting.

Nell: I guarantee they will both be awake when Herr Hoffmann brings in the bacon sandwiches.

Me: They can clear the table and peel some vegetables.

Nell: David eats more carrots than he peels.

Me: Is he allowed to join in Sunday Songs today?

Nell: No. David and Nigel are going to watch from the window.

Me: Are NOIR and the Beefies after Nigel too?

Nell: No. Sally has given Nigel an important task which involves him staying close to David.

Me: How exciting. What is it?

Nell: Staying close to David.

Me: Yes, but what’s Nigel’s task?

Nell: I just told you. Nigel is David’s bodyguard.

Me: Oh, I see. Aren’t bodyguards supposed to be bigger than their clients?

Nell: It’s hard to find anyone bigger than David.

Me: True. Although Beauregard might have been a better choice.

Nell: Beauregard is busy. He’s performing ‘Tiger Feet’ at Sunday Songs.

Me: Dave loves that song and now he’ll have to watch it from the window all alone. Poor darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: He isn’t alone. Nigel is with him. Do you ever listen to anything I say?

Me: Is he going to have to eat his Sunday roast alone, too?

Nell: Of course not. He is perfectly safe inside the house.

Me: That rook called again, by the way?

Nell: What?

Me: It asked to speak to David Martin.

Nell: You didn’t put David on the phone, did you?

Me: No. I said he was unavailable.

Nell: You should have said he wasn’t there.

Me: Oh yes. Sorry.