Nell: What’s that awful noise downstairs in the kitchen?

Me: Maple and Poppy are making bacon sandwiches.

Nell: It’s Miss Maple.

Me: She said I can call her Maple.

Nell: Did she indeed?

Me: Don’t be jealous.

Nell: I’m not. Why do they have to make so much noise?

Me: They’re using their swords to toss the bacon and everyone’s cheering.

Nell: Toss it where? Not into David’s mouth, I hope.

Me: No, although he’s clearing up any rashers that fall on the floor. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. So helpful.

Nell: Where’s the rest of the bacon going?

Me: Into bread. They’re bacon sandwiches.

Nell: How?

Me: Poppy and Maple toss the bacon into the air. Manuel catches it in his tentacles and passes it to Malcom who places it onto buttered, or unbuttered, bread and covers it with red, or brown, sauce.

Nell: There are an awful lot of versions.

Me: Bacon sandwiches have to be done the right way and everyone has their own preference.

Nell: True. And then you all cheer?

Me: Yes. It’s enormous fun. You should join us.

Nell: Who’s us?

Me: Olive the Other Reindeer and the Larger Animals have popped over from The Barn.

Nell: I see.

Me: And Gladys and the llamas are awfully hungry after Gliding all morning.

Nell: I thought llamas were herbivores.

Me: They’re having salad with Henry and Horst but they still want to cheer.

Nell: Fair enough.

Me: John the Doberman is here too, with puppuccinos for everyone from Starbarks.

Nell: What does Poppy think about that?

Me: She’s far too busy tossing bacon with Maple.

Nell: Everyone seems to love Miss Maple.

Me: Yes, she’s great fun and absolutely adorable.

Nell: She can’t stay, you know. This is just a visit.

Me: I know. Sorry.

Me: Maple’s a good friend to Poppy.

Nell: Yes, they’ve become close. I think it’s the hours they spent together in the crow’s nest on the Cutty Bark.

Me: And the fact they’re both feisty and small.

Nell: And good with a sword.

Me: Yes. Anyway, Poppy’s feeling a little low so she’s having a rest on the bed and Maple is watching over her.

Nell: How kind.

Me: She can’t really see her, of course, because she only has little legs and the bed is high but she’s doing her best.

Nell: That’s all we can do. Why is Poppy feeling low?

Me: Lionel and those nasty cats should be punished for what they did but instead they’re living the good life at the Burgh Island Hotel.

Nell: We don’t know that.

Me: Yes, we do. Princess and Sir Roger Blubbery saw them laughing on the balcony yesterday when they were swimming around the island.

Nell: It might have been a different lion.

Me: It was him. His ship was parked outside. I don’t know why you’re so blinkered when it comes to Lionel King.

Nell: I’m not. Princess and Sir Roger have become firm friends, haven’t they?

Me: Yes. In fact Babycakes Gillespie is taking bets on a possible engagement before Christmas.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: I think it’s lovely. And I noticed you changed the subject when it came to Lionel King.

Nell: I did nothing of the sort. Now, Sunday Songs are about to begin so we should coax Poppy outside to listen.

Me: Great idea.

Nell: Rupert is providing warm ponchos for everyone.

Me: He’s such a thoughtful wolf. You’ve got a good one there, Nell. Don’t take him for granted.

Nell: Stop interfering and put on your poncho.

Me: I’m right you know. Sorry.

Me: It’s wonderful to have you home.

Nell: Thank you. May I rest now, please?

Me: In a minute, let’s finish going over your exciting escape.

Nell: If we must.

Me: So, while Lionel and the cats were distracted by the owls and the honey bombs Poppy threw down her sword.

Nell: Yes, and I cut Rupert free.

Me: What happened then?

Nell: Princess and Sir Roger Blubbery arrived alongside the ship with the Navy seals towing a rubber dinghy.

Me: So you didn’t have to jump in the sea?

Nell: No. Rupert and I managed to climb into the dinghy.

Me: What about Poppy and Miss Maple? Did they fearlessly fling themselves into the waves?

Nell: They jumped out of the crow’s nest into the sea if that’s what you mean.

Me: How daring and brave. I hope you didn’t leave Poppy’s sword on the ship.

Nell: No, Rupert took it.

Me: Did you manage to get Poppy and Miss Maple into the dinghy?

Nell: No. They rode to the beach on sealback.

Me: Where we were all waiting to welcome you.

Nell: Yes, with cartwheeling llamas and the Welsh Corgi Choir.

Me: I couldn’t stop them. Did you appreciate the banner and the balloons?

Nell: I did and it was most kind of the Whippets Institute to organise tea on the beach.

Me: I thought so too.

Nell: The scones weren’t quite up to Poppy’s standards but the jam and cream were excellent and the butterfly cakes were delightful.

Me: We started out with a larger selection of sandwiches but Dave ate some by mistake.

Nell: Nothing new there.

Me: It was comfort eating. He was really worried about you. Poor darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: It was typical David and you know it.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I know it’s a bit rainy but Harriet’s been down to the beach and she says the water isn’t that cold.

Nell: Oh good.

Me: All you have to do is jump overboard when the ship gets near the island.

Nell: What do you mean ‘all I have to do’?

Me: The seals will be waiting to guide you to dry land.

Nell: Oh, that’s alright then.

Me: And we’ll be waiting on our beach to take you all home.

Nell: I might just go to the hotel with Lionel. I’m a senior Labrador. We don’t do jumping overboard.

Me: You can’t do that, Nell. You’ll be fine. Rupert will be by your side.

Nell: He won’t unless he’s untied.

Me: He will be. Poppy signalled to the Royal Owl Force that she’s going to throw down her sword.

Nell: Poppy is willing to surrender?

Me: No, she’s going to throw it down to you. All you have to do is casually catch it and cut Rupert free.

Nell: Could you stop saying ‘all you have to do’ please?

Me: Just hide it under your sou’wester.

Nell: How do you know I’m wearing one?

Me: I’m following you on YouChewed. Our Penguin is filming everything with his drone.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: You’ve been trending for hours.

Nell: Why do you think Lionel and his cats aren’t going to stop us?

Me: They’ll be far too busy trying to get rid of the honey. Cats hate sticky fur.

Nell: Did you say honey?

Me: Yes. Owl Pacino and his chaps are going to pour runny honey over them all.

Nell: How?

Me: Honey bombs. Henry and Horst came up with the idea. Genius, isn’t it?

Nell: You’re enjoying this far too much for my liking.

Me: I know. Sorry.

Me: How are you? We’re awfully worried here.

Nell: I’m fine but Poppy and Miss Maple are still in the crow’s nest and Rupert is tied to the mast.

Me: I’m happy to say that an air, land and sea rescue is on its way.

Nell: It can’t be. You don’t know where we are.

Me: That’s where you’re wrong. We used Find My IBone.

Nell: How clever.

Me: Henry and Horst are coordinating everything from Devon HQ.

Nell: All I can see is sea.

Me: Well, quite soon you should see a Royal Owl Force flypast. Owl Pacino says he and his chaps aren’t far away.

Nell: If I didn’t know better I’d think you were quite enjoying this.

Me: It’s awfully exciting. Sir Roger Blubbery, Princess and the Navy Seals are also on their way so if you see them just give a nonchalant wave.

Nell: I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Should I be expecting Our Penguin too?

Me: He’s using his drone to film it all so he’ll definitely be somewhere near.

Nell: Just don’t tell me we’re trending on YouChewed.

Me: Not yet, but soon I expect. Beauregard and Oliver are leading the land rescue. Dave wanted to join them but Sally insisted he and Harriet stay at home.

Nell: I’m impressed that Oliver is involved. Opossums aren’t usually that brave.

Me: He’s riding on Beauregard’s back. Nobody would dare challenge a tiger.

Nell: Except Lionel King. I wonder where we’re going.

Me: Henry and Horst are fairly sure Lionel is heading for Burgh Island.

Nell: At least I’ll get a decent cup of tea there.

Me: I’m not sure you’ll be staying at the hotel.

Nell: I’m not spending a moment longer on this dreadful ship than necessary.

Me: Of course not. Sorry.

Me: Is that you?

Nell: Of course it’s me.

Me: Why didn’t you answer before? Dave and Harriet are beside themselves with worry. I’ll send you a photo.

Nell: Now is not the time for photos.

Me: What happened? You were supposed to be coming straight home.

Nell: You’re not going to believe this.

Me: I just might.

Nell: Let’s say things didn’t go exactly as planned.

Me: Tell me.

Nell: There was an altercation on board ship.

Me: Do you mean a sword fight? That was bound to happen, Nell. All those cats and swords.

Nell: This fight was real.

Me: Was Poppy involved?

Nell: Both Poppy and Miss Maple were extremely involved and so was Rupert.

Me: Knitwear Wolf got into a fight?

Nell: He had no choice.

Me: Why?

Nell: I’m afraid I’ve been extremely foolish.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: You warned me and I didn’t listen.

Me: I did?

Nell: You said he was behind all this and I refused to believe it.

Me: Are we talking about that lion?

Nell: Yes, Lionel King. And now Rupert is tied to the mast and we’ve set sail for goodness knows where.

Me: Hang on a minute, Nell. Did you say ‘set sail’?

Nell: Yes.

Me: So, you’re telling me that Lionel King and a dastardly band of sword fighting cats have you all imprisoned on the Cutty Bark?

Nell: Yes, and Lionel’s threatening to make Rupert walk the plank.

Me: Where are Poppy and Miss Maple?

Nell: The cats have imprisoned them in the crow’s nest.

Me: At the top of the mast?

Nell: Yes, ‘extra punishment for bad behaviour’ according to Lionel.

Me: Oh dear, you’re all in quite a pickle, aren’t you?

Nell: This is rather more than a pickle.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Why do you keep calling my iBone? The Sword Awareness Course is just about to begin and all phones are supposed to be switched off.

Me: Dave asked me to. He’s feeling all lost and abandoned. Poor darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. You should see his little face.

Nell: Tell David to stop that right now. He’s just attention seeking.

Me: He had a cold breakfast, Nell.

Nell: Don’t talk to me about cold. Zooming up the M5 in a motorbike sidecar with just a poncho for protection is not exactly first class travel you know.

Me: He’s missing you all terribly.

Nell: We only left a few hours ago and we’re coming back this evening. All being well.

Me: What do you mean by that?

Nell: Let’s just say there are a few too many swords around for my liking.

Me: Are there any big cats?

Nell: A couple of rather large Maine Coons are running the course and some of the Siamese could do with losing a little weight but most seem fairly normal sized. Why?

Me: I wondered if a certain lion might be involved.

Nell: Honestly, you’re obsessed with Lionel King.

Me: I know what he’s like, Nell. He’s a very bad lion.

Nell: Just calm down. Rupert is here with me. Nothing is going to happen.

Me: How’s Poppy?

Nell: She made quite an impression when she arrived in her pirate’s hat and cloak.

Me: I thought she might.

Nell: She wasn’t the only one wearing a hat, however.

Me: Really?

Nell: An extremely feisty Dachshund calling herself Miss Maple turned up in a tiara.

Me: What did Poppy think about that?

Nell: They are firm friends already.

Me: It takes feistiness to know feistiness.

Nell: That’s what I’m worried about.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Harriet has such a lovely smile, doesn’t she?

Nell: Yes, she does.

Me: We should all smile more.

Nell: Don’t do that fake smile, please.

Me: Did you know that smiling can actually make you feel happier?

Nell: Here we go.

Me: Or was it laughing?

Nell: Have you quite finished?

Me: Just saying.

Nell: You should be saying all this to the llamas.

Me: Why?

Nell: I’m afraid Sunday Songs is going to be a little more subdued than usual. The llamas are refusing to dance.

Me: But they love dancing.

Nell: Not anymore. They want to read poetry and discuss the state of the country.

Me: What’s the world coming to?

Nell: Don’t you start.

Me: Is Poppy still behaving strangely?

Nell: She’s walking around brandishing her sword in a pirate’s hat and a long cloak but she often does that on a Sunday.

Me: I hope she takes it off when she’s cooking the Sunday roast.

Nell: Of course she does. It’s strictly chef whites in the kitchen.

Me: That’s a relief.

Nell: Now, what’s your opinion on ponchos?

Me: I’m not sure I have one.

Nell: Rupert suggested I might like to wear a poncho on my trip to London tomorrow. He says it’s both stylish and practical.

Me: It’s a good idea as long as it’s not too stripy.

Nell: Rupert doesn’t do stripes. It’s a gentle forest green and made of the softest wool.

Me: Sounds perfect and it will keep you warm in the sidecar.

Nell: Yes, that’s what Rupert said.

Me: Knitwear Wolf is so kind and caring.

Nell: I hope this sword awareness course goes well.

Me: I just can’t see Poppy listening to cats.

Nell: That’s what The Cat said.

Me: And did she listen?

Nell: No.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: You’re not going to believe this.

Me: I just might.

Nell: Poppy’s new haircut has gone straight to her head.

Me: Well, it would have done. That’s what it’s supposed to do.

Nell: No, she’s holding court in the living room.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: She keeps saying ‘All Labradors bow down before me!’

Me: Bow down?

Nell: Yes. She even placed her paws on Harriet’s head.

Me: Goodness me.

Nell: And then she jumped on the sofa and started making a speech about obedience and respect.

Me: Has she been eating any strange honey?

Nell: Not as far as I know.

Me: Or a biscuit?

Nell: Why bring biscuits into this?

Me: I often get offered a biscuit when I’m at the hairdressers and she’s just had her hair done.

Nell: I suppose she might have eaten one. I was given two treats when I went for my monthly injection yesterday.

Me: I hear you lost weight again. Well done. I’m afraid I’ve been a bit naughty over the last few days and eaten cake.

Nell: Of course you have. Cake is essential at times like these.

Me: Did Malcolm and Manuel have to bow down?

Nell: No. She was absolutely fine with them. They were tossing pancakes around like there’s no tomorrow.

Me: How odd.

Nell: Not really. It’s Saturday so we always have a special second breakfast and today it’s pancakes.

Me: I meant it’s odd it’s only Labradors, although people are always asking Dave to bow down.

Nell: They’re actually asking him to calm down because he’s over affectionate.

Me: Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. Maybe you should just humour Poppy?

Nell: I’m not bowing down to anyone. Thank you very much. No matter how short their hair.

Me: Of course not. Sorry.

Me: You know how much I appreciate you all watching over me, don’t you?

Nell: It’s no bother.

Me: Can you tell Dave he doesn’t actually have to watch me?

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: I can tell that he’s really tired and he’s trying to keep his eyes open.

Nell: David takes his job extremely seriously.

Me: It’s absolutely fine for him to have a little nap.

Nell: No, it is not. You don’t see me sleeping on duty.

Me: You do it all the time and so does Harriet.

Nell: That’s where you’re wrong. We are just pretending to be asleep.

Me: You were snoring, Nell.

Nell: All part of the pretence. We obviously had you fooled.

Me: Where’s Poppy?

Nell: She’s gone with Kev to have her hair cut and nails trimmed. She wants to look sleek and dangerous for her sword awareness course in London next week.

Me: Wasn’t it supposed to be last Monday?

Nell: Yes, we cancelled. We didn’t want to be away from you before your operation.

Me: Bless you. Did the sword awareness people understand?

Nell: They’re cats so there isn’t a lot of understanding going on but they accepted our request and rescheduled it for this coming Monday.

Me: So the course is run by cats?

Nell: Yes. Cats are excellent swordsanimals. Everyone knows that.

Me: They don’t exactly stick to rules.

Nell: They do if they’ve made them.

Me: I can’t see Poppy listening to a cat.

Nell: She’ll have to if she’s wants to keep out of jail.

Me: Will you and Rupert be going in with her?

Nell: We’ve been invited on board.

Me: Where on earth is this happening?

Nell: The Cutty Bark.

Me: The historic sailing ship in Greenwich?

Nell: Of course.

Me: Gosh. Sorry.