Nell: You are not going to believe this.

Me: I just might.

Nell: There’s a small hairy animal eating muesli in the kitchen with Malcolm.

Me: I didn’t know flamingos ate muesli.

Nell: It isn’t a flamingo.

Me: I meant Malcolm.

Nell: It’s small and scruffy with a bare tail.

Me: It’s not a rat, is it?

Nell: No. But it hisses if you try and talk to it, then plays dead.

Me: I shan’t be able to have much of a conversation with it if it keeps doing that.

Nell: Malcolm says it’s from the United States.

Me: It’s come an awfully long way.

Nell: It’s on a gap year. Wants to travel around Europe before continuing with its studies.

Me: It hasn’t picked a very good time.

Nell: That’s what I said.

Me: How did it get here?

Nell: Knitwear Wolf found it by the roadside. It was Trying to be Brave.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: And when an animal is Trying to be Brave one can’t possibly ignore it.

Me: No, I suppose not.

Nell: So he brought it back here.

Me: That was kind of him.

Nell: Yes. It’s very disappointed in the weather.

Me: It is dreadful.

Nell: I know. One doesn’t expect to be wearing galoshes in May.

Me: I don’t expect to be wearing them at all.

Nell: Anyway, we have to decide what to do with it.

Me: Do you think it might like to talk to Babycakes Gillespie? He’s from the United States too.

Nell: No. Pugs are too rumbustious. This is a job for someone with tact and diplomacy.

Me: My darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy would be just the animal.

Nell: No. Not David. Harriet is perfect for the job. Gentle but practically minded.

Me: Yes, of course. Sorry.

Me: You and Dave were certainly enjoying your cuddles with Tony.

Nell: David is a little exuberant.

Me: I adore the last photo where your little head is peeking out underneath him.

Nell: I like my back scratched and moving under David was the only way.

Me: Tony and Sue have had their second vaccinations too, by the way.

Nell: Yes. It’s a great relief to us all.

Me: It really is. Chris had his first vaccination on Monday and Shannon had hers the week before. Now we need Alice and Andre to get theirs. I just want everyone to be safe.

Nell: Of course you do. How are you and Kev feeling today?

Me: A bit tired. Thank you for letting us sleep longer. It was wonderful.

Nell: Our pleasure. We discussed it in Morning Thoughts yesterday and we all agreed to wear socks. I’m surprised you didn’t notice. Knitwear Wolf made sure everyone was well equipped, even Henry and Horst.

Me: Socks? Why?

Nell: Quiet Feet are essential if people are trying to sleep. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s not your feet that wake me up, Nell, it’s the barking.

Nell: We know. It’s been Whispering Only in this house since yesterday. Didn’t you see the signs?

Me: What signs?

Nell: Timothy made them while you and Kev were out. He is a most artistic turkey. The Labrador with raised paw to mouth is really effective.

Me: I wondered why you were all so quiet when we got home.

Nell: David wasn’t quiet while you were away. He kept asking when you were coming home every five minutes.

Me: Bless him. But there is no need to whisper now, Nell.

Nell: Keep that to yourself. Let’s just enjoy the peace and quiet a little longer.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Are you warm enough?

Nell: I’ve got a whole blanket covering me up so I’m sure I’ll be fine. Stop fussing.

Me: It’s just that Chloe says we need to keep you warm with your arthritis.

Nell: Well, that’s very kind of you but David does a good job of Snuggling up to me too.

Me: I’m glad you let him. He does like to feel needed and he has the necessary skills.

Nell: You know David. Once he’s decided on Snuggling he tends to follow through on it.

Me: Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Now, it’s your second vaccination today.

Me: I know it is. Kev and I are so excited. We have been counting the days. I feel quite emotional.

Nell: Never mind emotions. The weather is appalling so make sure you wear your rain jacket and a hat as you may have to queue outside.

Me: I will. Don’t worry.

Nell: And take an umbrella. Just in case.

Me: I’m not a fan of umbrellas.

Nell: They do their job. Poppy has made you both a light picnic.

Me: That’s awfully kind of her.

Nell: Just a few sandwiches. Ham for Kev on white and prawn for you on brown.

Me: Our favourites.

Nell: There’s lemon drizzle cake, too and a flask of hot tea.

Me: Last time we were in and out of the vaccination centre really quickly, Nell. We might be lucky again.

Nell: But you never know and a picnic is always welcome.

Me: Yes, it is and we appreciate you thinking of us.

Nell: Thinking of you is what we dogs do best. It is in our nature.

Me: It’s good to know you are looking out for me, Nell.

Nell: You and me. Always. You know that.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Hurrah! Harriet is finally in the yellow chair.

Nell: Not for long.

Me: Now that is unkind, Nell. Let her stay there.

Nell: She can stay there all day if she likes. It matters not a jot as far as I’m concerned. But she won’t. Look at her face.

Me: She does look a little worried.

Nell: Exactly. And that won’t do. If you are going to go in the yellow chair then own it. Claim it as yours and sit proudly.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: The yellow chair is not for the meek. Harriet is sitting there waiting to be told to leave. Anxious Sitting is not comfortable at all.

Me: No, that’s like me in a dentist’s waiting room.

Nell: Yes. You’ve hit the snail on the head.

Me: No, I haven’t. I would never do that.

Nell: It’s just a saying. Snails are very slow and need to be chivvied along now and again.

Me: Hitting someone on the head is more than chivvying.

Nell: Moving on, the yellow chair needs to be enjoyed.

Me: But Harriet is justifiably anxious because you, or Dave will probably push her off.

Nell: I’ve never pushed anyone off anything. That’s something cats do.

Me: Well, you will give her a hard stare and a growl until she moves.

Nell: I might mumble something under my breath but nothing more.

Me: And Dave will climb up and squash her.

Nell: She’s used to being squashed by David.

Me: I think we all are. He’s such an affectionate Big Brave Beautiful Boy. He can’t help himself.

Nell: Either way, Harriet won’t be sitting in the yellow chair for long, so take a photo now.

Me: How do you know I am going to take a photo?

Nell: Are you?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Well, that was a lovely day, wasn’t it?

Nell: It was certainly lovely to be back at The Cottage Hotel again. Even in the rain.

Me: You could have come inside the pod with Kev and I you know. We were perfectly dry.

Nell: I wasn’t getting in that thing.

Me: You were happy to stick your head inside for a chip.

Nell: I was invited out to lunch. That doesn’t mean watching someone else eat.

Me: Even when you are so good at it?

Nell: Food is meant to be shared. We Labradors merely encourage it.

Me: I caught you playing Cheeky Animals outside the hotel.

Nell: There was an exceptionally rude Beefy sitting on one of the guest’s cars harassing arriving guests.

Me: How unpleasant.

Nell: The hotel has been closed for so long that the Beefies think they can rule the roost.

Me: Hooligans.

Nell: Guests don’t want to arrive at their holiday destination to be greeted with a wet mackerel in the face.

Me: It’s certainly not the best start to a holiday.

Nell: It gives completely the wrong impression.

Me: You and Kev spent an awfully long time on the beach contemplating the sea.

Nell: I know.

Me: I do some of my best thinking down by the sea. Were you pondering the meaning of life?

Nell: No. It’s very hard to ponder when you’re sitting on cold sand and the sea is coming in.

Me: The sun came out eventually though. Bathing everything in a warm glow.

Nell: It was freezing.

Me: It was a little chilly but the feel of the sun on your face and the wind in your hair can still lift your spirits.

Nell: Not as much as a nice cup of tea and a scone.

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: Can I ask you something, please?

Nell: Certainly.

Me: Have I done anything wrong?

Nell: Why would you say that?

Me: It’s only that I was upstairs and went into the bedroom and Poppy gave me one of her long stares.

Nell: Did she now? Was she busy?

Me: I don’t think so.

Nell: Interesting.

Me: And now I’ve come downstairs and you’re giving me one of your looks too.

Nell: Am I?

Me: Yes. I mean in your case it’s not that unusual because you often look at me in mild dismay but both you and Poppy? It’s made me wonder.

Nell: Maybe we should discuss this with Poppy over lunch?

Me: That might be a problem.

Nell: Why?

Me: Kev and I are going out to lunch. It’s the first time in so very long and we are awfully excited.

Nell: I don’t suppose you are going to The Cottage Hotel, are you?

Me: Yes, actually we are.

Nell: My favourite place? The one I haven’t been to in over a year? The hotel featured in your first book?

Me: Well, yes. You see restrictions have finally been lifted and they are opening again.

Nell: So?

Me: So what?

Nell: So when were you going to tell me?

Me: Tell you what?

Nell: That I’m not invited.

Me: Well, that’s the thing.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: You are invited.

Nell: I am?

Me: Of course you are, Nell. Kev and I never go to lunch at The Cottage Hotel without you. It’s only when we go inside that we can’t take you.

Nell: So I’m included?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Where’s my handbag? I need my iBone.

Me: Why?

Nell: To text Dorothy that I’m going out to lunch. Good news must be shared.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: It was amazing down on the beach. All those kite surfers.

Nell: They were certainly out in force.

Me: I thought they were giant colourful Beefies from far away.

Nell: Nonsense. Beefies may occasionally wear tank tops and even the odd sombrero, but they would never colour their wings.

Me: No?

Nell: I have it on good authority that Devon Beefies are particularly proud of their white feathers.

Me: Have you been talking to Stephen Seagull?

Nell: Certainly not. Dreadful bird. Terry and I discussed it when he delivered my Earl Grey.

Me: How is Terry?

Nell: Very well. Book a Beefy is still a little hit and miss but that‘s to be expected. Beefies are nothing if not unreliable. Now it’s Sunday today, and a day of rest.

Me: Yes.

Nell: I’m expecting you to join David in the living room after Sunday Songs in silent contemplation.

Me: What of? Poppy’s roast dinner?

Nell: No. The coming week.

Me: Can’t I read a book?

Nell: If you must, just make sure you are quiet. David needs to gather his thoughts. We have a busy time ahead.

Me: I know my week is going to be busy but I didn’t know yours was too.

Nell: There’s a vast amount of preparation to be done before next month’s Growl on Sunday. David has his column to write and I am interviewing Jamie.

Me: Can people still write in?

Nell: Of course. They just need to email contact@conversationswithnell.org.

Me: Kev and I get our second vaccination on Thursday. It’s such a relief. Life is slowly returning to normal. If there is such a thing anymore.

Nell: Normal is highly overrated if you ask me. Take life as it comes is my motto and make the most of it.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Naughty Nigel is downstairs playing Cheeky Animals with Boo.

Me: What’s wrong with that?

Nell: He’s sitting in the yellow chair.

Me: Well, it used to be his chair if you think about it.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: Charlotte gave it to us so he knows it very well. He probably feels right at home.

Nell: I usually sit in the yellow chair.

Me: I know you do.

Nell: Boo is behaving perfectly. He’s on the floor.

Me: Boo is more reserved.

Nell: And Nigel had two bacon sandwiches for breakfast and three of Manuel’s buttermilk pancakes.

Me: They were tasty, weren’t they?

Nell: He makes them the American way. Light and fluffy. Babycakes Gillespie taught him. But that’s not the point.

Me: When you say light and fluffy I always think of Gladys. It’s a shame we couldn’t take her to the dog agility course yesterday but six dogs was our limit.

Nell: And that’s another thing. What were you thinking? A dog agility course? I’m not walking on planks and running through tyres, thank you very much.

Me: To be fair, Nell, neither was anyone else. I’ve never seen less agility in my life.

Nell: What did you expect? We’re Labradors.

Me: Poppy isn’t.

Nell: Poppy is a trained chef. Why would she start running up a wooden slope when she can walk round?

Me: It was a bit of fun. Everyone had a wonderful time running off the lead. Look at the photos.

Nell: Yes, we enjoyed ourselves.

Me: Where were you, by the way? I can only see 5 dogs.

Nell: I was on my iBone. Someone had to send the photos to Charlotte. She’s just lost Seamus so she needed to know the other two boys were fine.

Me: Yes. You’re right. Sorry.

Me: We are very lucky to live where we do, aren’t we?

Nell: Yes, we are.

Me: In fact I’ve been thinking about that a lot recently.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: Why is it that a walk by the sea always helps to lift my mood?

Nell: Fresh air, beautiful views, sand under the paws, excellent company?

Me: All of those things, but there’s more.

Nell: A cup of Earl Grey and a piece of cake afterwards?

Me: I think it’s about gaining perspective. Things always seem larger the nearer you are to them, so sometimes you just need to put a little distance between you.

Nell: Are we talking about David now? Only he does seem a lot smaller when you watch him on the beach from the cliff top.

Me: No. I’m talking about life, Nell. And worries. When I’m by the sea I realise that I’m just a small part of something much bigger.

Nell: Talking of small parts. Have you seen Henry and Horst today?

Me: No. Have they gone missing?

Nell: They didn’t turn up for Morning Thoughts.

Me: Maybe they’re having a lie in.

Nell: I’m sure they will turn up soon.

Me: What if they’ve been kidnapped by a Beefy?

Nell: Don’t be silly.

Me: Or a swan?

Nell: Good grief.

Me: Or accidentally thrown in the food bin again.

Nell: What do you mean by ‘again’?

Me: I thought they were sultanas.

Nell: Sultanas? We don’t have any in the house. They’re bad for dogs.

Me: I know. Fortunately they were both wearing hats so I fished them out. Are those leaves wearing hats, by the way?

Nell: Leaves? No. It’s Henry and Horst.

Me: Oh yes. Sometimes you just can’t see the woodlice for the leaves.

Nell: Enough.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: That was one of the wettest walks we’ve ever had.

Me: At least Dave was able to run off the lead. Bless him.

Nell: Yes, ears flapping as usual.

Me: Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. What were he and Harriet watching so intently?

Nell: The swans.

Me: You’ve got to be very careful with swans. They can turn nasty.

Nell: Yes. Swans have a side to them. It’s the royal connection, of course.

Me: What royal connection?

Nell: They all belong to The Queen. Do keep up.

Me: Oh yes.

Nell: As I said to The Queen the last time we discussed swans, ‘That is no reason to give yourself airs and graces. I know a Parson Russell Terrier who belongs to an award winning chef but it can’t even boil an egg.’

Me: What did The Queen say?

Nell: Suffice it to say Her Majesty is aware.

Me: It still doesn’t explain why Dave and Harriet were watching them.

Nell: We have reason to believe the swans may be in league with The Beefies.

Me: How strange?

Nell: I agree. One doesn’t expect a royal swan to engage with a rough Beefy.

Me: Maybe it’s to do with fish? Perhaps the swans fancy a nice bit of mackerel?

Nell: Swans don’t eat mackerel. They prefer aquatic vegetation. They will eat small fish and even frogs but they are quite happy grazing on grass.

Me: I never knew that. I wonder what it is. Do you think it’s worth asking Terry?

Nell: Terry is far too busy. Book a Beefy are run off their claws with all the visitors.

Me: Maybe they’re going to introduce a new luxury service ‘Secure a Swan’.

Nell: Secure a Swan? That sounds more like kidnapping. They belong to The Queen.

Me: Yes. Sorry.