Me: Look at Harriet sleeping.

Nell: Don’t wake her. She’s tired after Gliding with Gladys.

Me: The darling girl has a proper grown up fluffy Devon coat.

Nell: What are you talking about?

Me: Haven’t you noticed? Since we moved down to Devon your coats have got thicker and fluffier. Particularly yours, actually.

Nell: I do have a natural wave.

Me: Yes, and now Harriet is getting one too. I think it comes from swimming in the sea.

Nell: I think you are talking nonsense.

Me: My hair always goes curlier by the sea. Just imagine if Alejandro and the llamas went swimming.

Nell: Alejandro is an alpaca and has naturally curly hair and the mere idea of the llamas going swimming is putting me off my toast and marmalade.

Me: Talking of alpacas, I had a Skype call with my publishers about the next book yesterday and they have alpacas at their book farm in Pennsylvania.

Nell; Good for them.

Me: We thought about setting up a Skype call with Alejandro. He might like to chat to his American cousins.

Nell: That’s a ridiculous idea.

Me: Why?

Nell: We don’t know anything about these academic alpacas.

Me: I’m not sure they are academics, Nell. I think they just live on the book farm.

Nell: And Alejandro is from Ecuador. Do they speak Spanish?

Me: Probably not, but Alejandro’s English is really good now. He’s helping Manuel learn.

Nell: I’m not sure it’s a good idea.

Me: I know ideally you wouldn’t choose a Spanish speaking alpaca to teach a Spanish speaking octopus English but I don’t think the accent really matters.

Nell: What are you talking about? I mean Alejandro is rather shy in an extrovert way. He might find Skyping a little daunting.

Me: Oh, I see. Sorry.

Me: You are not going to believe this.

Nell: I just might.

Me: Poppy is outside on the terrace eating a bowl of salad.

Nell: And?

Me: And she went swimming earlier with the puppies when we were down at the beach.

Nell: Yes, I know. Poppy has started on a new fitness regime. We’re all having salad for lunch.

Me: You don’t even like salad.

Nell: Poppy is insisting on healthy eating.

Me: What brought this on?

Nell: Between you and me, remarks have been made about her waistline.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Or rather, lack of waistline.

Me: I see.

Nell: It has been suggested that this might be due to the effects of the lockdown and Covid restrictions.

Me: Well, I must admit cake and the odd scone have helped us through. It’s very hard to resist something sweet when you are feeling low.

Nell: Well not anymore., Let’s just say that our scone days are over.

Me: What? That’s a bit drastic, Nell. I can see why Dave is looking so down.

Nell: David is having great difficulty in coming to terms with this news.

Me: I’m not feeling that bright myself.

Nell: I know a life without scones seems bleak at the moment.

Me: It’s an absolutely dreadful thought.

Nell: But you have to try and persevere.

Me: I’m not sure I can. I might not have it in me.

Nell: I feel the same way. Fortunately, the Whippets Institute have invited me to tea so I shan’t have to go without for long. Their scones aren’t up to Poppy’s standards, of course, but they are still more than acceptable.

Me: When are you going to tea?

Nell: This afternoon.

Me: That’s no time at all, Nell.

Nell: Tell that to David.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Poppy and Dave are playing tug of war again.

Nell: Good. I want David to continue his training.

Me: It looks suspiciously like one of my tea towels shredded to pieces.

Nell: Don’t dwell on the insignificant. Look at the excellent technique. See how fiercely Poppy is gripping it.

Me: She’s fierce alright.

Nell: And how careful and gentle David is being.

Me: Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Knitwear Wolf is extremely pleased with his progress.

Me: Knitwear Wolf is?

Nell: Yes. He has been talking to David and the larger animals about Knowing Your Own Strength and Using It Wisely.

Me: So Dave is in the larger animals group?

Nell: David is in several groups, but that’s not the point.

Me: No.

Nell: Knitwear Wolf says larger animals must think twice before engaging with smaller feistier ones.

Me: Like Poppy?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Or Gladys?

Nell: Exactly. A large animal can easily find itself in an awkward situation. The trick is to remain calm.

Me: It’s interesting to hear you say that, because I am always so impressed with the bigger dogs on our walks. When Poppy starts shouting at them they just look at her in complete amazement.

Nell: Ah yes. The Puzzled Look.

Me: I wish Poppy wouldn’t shout.

Nell: Don’t we all.

Me: I had a good start to my Monday, by the way.

Nell: Why?

Me: I was chatting to my good friend Walt in Queensland, Australia about his dog Traynor. He has a question for Chloe for The Growl on Sunday.

Nell: Walt does?

Me: No. Traynor the Kelpie. He’s nearly 12 and has arthritis like you. His days of mustering cattle and sheep are over.

Nell: Like me? I’ve never mustered anyone in my life.

Me: No, of course you haven’t. Sorry.

Me: It’s Alice and the children the last time they were here and you and I the day I took you home. Precious memories.

Nell: Yes, it’s International Mother’s Day so I thought we should celebrate all mothers today.

Me: Such happy photos. So much love.

Nell: That’s what being a mother is all about.

Me: Yes, it is. You are like a mother to the puppies.

Nell: I certainly try to be.

Me: To be honest, you are a mother to us all. I don’t know where we would be without you.

Nell: You will never be without me. I’ve told you this many times. Your mother is always with you and it will be the same with me.

Me: Yes.

Nell: So, don’t dwell. It does nobody any good and stops you from enjoying the here and now.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: I am. Now what are your feelings about goulash?

Me: Goulash?

Nell: Yes. Poppy has decided it’s a goulash sort of day and David wants his with pasta.

Me: That’s fine with me.

Nell: Pasta is messy, of course, and we must expect spillage, but I think one can be allowed a little bit of mess now and again. Especially at the weekend.

Me: It’s half the fun. How are your classes coming along?

Nell: We’re still sorting the animals into groups. David ended up with the larger animals until Knitwear Wolf noticed.

Me: Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: David does not belong with the llamas. And neither does Gladys.

Me: But Gladys is a small Pomeranian.

Nell: Tell her that. According to Rupert she’s refusing to be parted from Alejandro and the llamas. So, I’m afraid the larger animals group is proving to be a little more diverse than expected.

Me: Oh dear. Sorry.

Me: Why are you waiting outside the bedroom door?

Nell: It is polite to wait until invited.

Me: You never wait normally, you just barge in.

Nell: I never barge. I think you will find it is David who barges.

Me: Well, you certainly don’t wait to be asked.

Nell: Anyway, as you might have noticed, I am still waiting.

Me: Yes. Come in, please. Do you need me to invite you on to the bed?

Nell: That would be most kind.

Me: Is there any reason for this excess of good manners?

Nell: We were discussing the llamas at Morning Thoughts and it occurred to me that we could all do with brushing up on our etiquette. ‘Manners maketh the mammal’ when all is said and done.

Me: What have the llamas done now?

Nell: Cartwheeling at the drop of a cat.

Me: Oh dear. Was it startled?

Nell: Very. They didn’t even know the animal. They think it was a friend of The Neighbour’s Cat but after it was dropped, it left before they could ask.

Me: They do love a cartwheel.

Nell: They bumped into Babycakes Gillespie’s bagel cart this morning. Bagels everywhere and it’s raining.

Me: Nobody likes a soggy bagel.

Nell: Moving on, I’ve decided to hold Animal Behaviour classes.

Me: Good idea.

Nell: Attendance is compulsory.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: Animals will be grouped into size.

Me: I don’t think you should expect Knitwear Wolf to attend. He’s ever so well mannered, and Malcolm is the politest flamingo I know.

Nell: Rupert will be helping with the larger animals and Malcolm and Susan are dealing with birds. Henry and Horst are responsible for insects.

Me: Am I one of the larger animals?

Nell: Don’t be silly. You will be in Kev’s class.

Me: Right. Sorry.

Me: I don’t think I’ve ever seen a dog enjoy the water as much as Harriet.

Nell: Yes. She loves it.

Me: The steps down to the Dog Beach are a bit tricky though, aren’t they?

Nell: Slow and steady is the way. One paw in front of another.

Me: Not for Harriet. She dashes down them like a mountain goat.

Nell: Harriet looks nothing like a goat. What are you talking about?

Me: It’s just a saying.

Nell: Now, I know you are suffering with migraines today so you are going to have to be very quiet.

Me: I’m not the noisy one.

Nell: You know exactly what I mean. No sitting staring at a screen.

Me: But I have things to do.

Nell: They will still be there tomorrow.

Me: Exactly. I have deadlines.

Nell: I’m not changing my mind. David has kindly agreed to Keep an Eye on you and will report back to me.

Me: My darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: He has the authority to close any laptops that are opened.

Me: He wouldn’t do that.

Nell: I will send Poppy if I have to.

Me: Please don’t.

Nell: With her sword.

Me: Ok. I give in. No computers.

Nell: You can listen to the radio, or one of your dogcasts.

Me: Podcasts.

Nell: Not when I’m reading.

Me: You have a lovely voice.

Nell: You are too kind.

Me: I was supposed to be going for a walk with my little sister Alex today and meeting her grandson.

Nell: There will be other walks.

Me: Yes. There will.

Nell: Sometimes you just have to stop and let things be for a while.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Which is not something a llama will ever understand. So, please don’t listen to them.

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: We are all very sad.

Nell: Yes, we are.

Me: Yesterday morning my sister Charlotte had to say goodbye to her beloved little Seamus.

Nell: He had a heart condition from birth and he had been very unwell recently.

Me: It got so bad that the only decision left for them was to let him go.

Nell: It is the most selfless thing you can do for us at times like these and the kindest.

Me: As Charlotte and Kerry drove Seamus to the vet’s they saw a wonderful thing. A beautiful rainbow stretching right over the sea.

Nell: Letting them know that all the other Guardians were waiting for Seamus on the other side.

Me: Yes.

Nell: As I have told you many times before, Seamus is a Guardian now and watching over his family. He isn’t in pain any longer.

Me: No.

Nell: He is with your mother and Mutley and Charlie and his dear older brother Harry rushing around like a young dog again.

Me: It makes me sad to see Charlotte, Kerry and Scarlett missing him so much.

Nell: Yes, I know it does, but it is only right and proper to grieve the loss of someone you love. Boo and Naughty Nigel are there to comfort them.

Me: Yes. Charlotte said they have been cuddling together.

Nell: We are all very sad here too. Especially Poppy.

Me: Those two were always playing together. He never cared when she told him off.

Nell: Seamus was such a cheerful, happy little dog and that is the way we will remember him.

Me: It’s just so hard knowing they can’t be together again.

Nell: They can. It’s just a different kind of together. One you carry inside yourself that never leaves you.

Me: Yes. You’re right. Sorry.

Me: Excuse me, Nell. What are you and Dave doing?

Nell: Playing Cheeky Animals, of course.

Me: You know it’s Wednesday Writers today and I have a workshop this morning on Zoom.

Nell: That’s fine with us. Zoom away. We’re not bothered by it at all.

Me: But Dave is getting really over excited. He’s doing that pouncing thing.

Nell: You mean bouncing. It’s called the Pre-Bounce Stance. The front legs must be on the ground with the rear end raised. David is positioned perfectly, isn’t he?

Me: Well, perhaps you two could play it downstairs and not where I’m trying to work?

Nell: This is not a game, you know.

Me: What is it then?

Nell: It’s part of David’s training. As I always say to my young charges ‘You need to Watch and Wait to Win.’

Me: What young charges?

Nell: You know I run a class for the younger animals. Marvin and Ollie attend along with David and Harriet and occasionally Naughty Nigel.

Me: Why do you have to practise it now?

Nell: Dear me. You seem to have got out of the wrong side of your kennel this morning.

Me: You mean bed.

Nell: Do I?

Me: Seriously though. I need to concentrate.

Nell: I happen to know that the Wednesday Writers love to see us in the background.

Me: Yes, they do but only if you are quiet.

Nell: We are quiet.

Me: You know that isn’t true. The first glimpse of The Neighbours’ Cat and you’re off.

Nell: The Neighbours’ Cat is rude and provoking.

Me: It’s just sitting in its own garden.

Nell: Smiling smugly.

Me: You wouldn’t like it if I disturbed your class.

Nell: We wouldn’t let that bother us. We’d just press mute. You should try it.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Look at darling Marvin sitting on a tree trunk in Toronto. Doesn’t he look shiny and proud?

Nell: Yes. He will be 2 in June.

Me: Gosh. How time flies. Little Ollie turned 2 recently.

Nell: I think you’re going to have to start calling him Ollie.

Me: And you know who else is going to be 2 this month, don’t you?

Nell: Your granddaughter Faye.

Me: She wasn’t even 1 the last time I saw her.

Nell: You will see her again in the not too distant future. At least she is healthy and happy.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Just like Marvin. When Chris and Shannon rescued him they changed his life for ever.

Me: It is wonderful to see.

Nell: Now, have you signed Henry and Horst’s petition?

Me: No. I didn’t know they had one.

Nell: They have. ‘Give Small Animals A Voice.’

Me: I know it’s local elections soon but I thought it was about public services.

Nell: It is. Their petition is going to Kev and Jamie.

Me: Why?

Nell: Henry and Horst want a column in The Growl on Sunday.

Me: Do they?

Nell: They have an awful lot to say, you know.

Me: Well, that’s the thing, Nell. You say that, but I’ve never actually heard Henry and Horst say anything.

Nell: That’s because you don’t have keen ears like David.

Me: I don’t think I’m the only one.

Nell: And that is exactly why they are campaigning. Their voices need to be heard.

Me: I’m not sure it’s possible.

Nell: I’m talking about their written voices. You of all people know how important that is.

Me: You’re absolutely right. Henry and Horst should be heard. What are they going to write about?

Nell: Ask Henry.

Me: I would, Nell, but I can’t hear the answer. Sorry.

Nell: May I have a word with you, please?

Me: Oh dear. What have I done now?

Nell: I believe Harriet spent the night upstairs in your bedroom?

Me: Yes, she did.

Nell: I know Poppy is allowed to share the bed.

Me: Yes.

Nell: And I accept that. Poppy works hard and needs her sleep.

Me: It’s got more to do with being small.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: A Labrador on the bed is like a whole other person. Or even two in Dave’s case.

Nell: Moving on. I would like to ask why Harriet has now also been given Bedroom Privileges?

Me: She isn’t allowed on the bed at night. She has to sleep in her dog bed. It was Kev’s idea.

Nell: Was it? Well, that makes a huge difference.

Me: He says Harriet was getting lonely. She was waking us all up early because she needed to be with us.

Nell: And?

Me: I said it was nonsense. She would start making a noise and it would be even worse.

Nell: And what happened?

Me: She was as quiet as a mouse and waited for us to wake up.

Nell: Problem solved. You just need to listen to Kev. Such an excellent idea.

Me: Hang on a minute. You were complaining about it a minute ago.

Nell: That was before I knew the whole story. Anyway, people seemed to enjoy The Growl on Sunday.

Me: Yes, although some went into Junk mail so best to check that if you haven’t received it.

Nell: We’ve already had a few questions for Poppy and Dave so please keep them coming. Just email us at contact@conversationswithnell.org.

Me: If it was up to me, Nell, I would give you Bedroom Privileges.

Nell: Too little too late.

Me: Sorry.