Me: No early barking this morning. Has Harriet decided to ignore the neighbours’ cat?

Nell: Actually, The Cat had a word.

Me: With Harriet?

Nell: No. With the neighbours’ cat.

Me: Gosh. I’m surprised it worked. In my experience, cats never listen.

Nell: I agree. Cats don’t listen on principle.

Me: So, why did it, then?

Nell: I have no idea but I suspect smoked salmon was involved.

Me: Maybe it was me?

Nell: You?

Me: Yes. When I came back from the hairdressers it was sitting on the fence and I said ‘You are a very naughty cat’.

Nell: Did it run away?

Me: No. But I know it heard me.

Nell: Really?

Me: Yes. You see I didn’t say it in my normal voice, Nell. I used my best Talking Bowl voice.

Nell: Good grief. Cats don’t care about Talking Bowls. It’ll be back once it’s finished the salmon. Mark my paws.

Me: Did I see Dave with a bacon sandwich?

Nell: You did. There were so many messages of support for his handsome physique that he has decided to maintain it.

Me: That’s a relief. I expect Knitwear Wolf helped too.

Nell: Yes, David looks up to Rupert.

Me: Well, he is a big wolf, Nell. Even the larger animals show respect.

Nell: The larger animals are always respectful. Monty the Moose has the most delightful manners.

Me: It’s a Canadian thing.

Nell: And Olive the other Reindeer takes the time to chat even though this is a dreadfully busy time of year for her.

Me: She does.

Nell: It’s the smaller ones who need to mind their manners, if you ask me.

Me: Yes. Henry and Horst can sometimes get carried away.

Nell: Henry and Horst? I’m talking about the neighbours’ cat.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Me: What’s the matter with my Big Brave Beautiful Boy?

Nell: David is not happy.

Me: Oh dear. Have we run out of bacon?

Nell: There is sufficient bacon available, thank you, but David chose cereal and fruit for his breakfast today.

Me: He doesn’t even like cereal, or fruit. Although, the first time I saw him he had Weetabix on his head. Bless him. Such a gorgeous little puppy.

Nell: Anyway, the fact of the matter is that David has decided to go on a diet.

Me: But he is perfect as he is.

Nell: I’m inclined to agree but I’m afraid others don’t.

Me: What others? What happened?

Nell: If you must know, we were down on the beach when the incident occurred.

Me: What incident?

Nell: A group of ramblers were watching David run into the sea with his surfboard and one of them said loudly ‘That Labrador is rather hefty.’

Me: Hefty?

Nell: Yes. David was wounded to the core.

Me: But Dave isn’t hefty. He is magnificent. Who were they? Weimaraners?

Nell: No. Basset Hounds in anoraks, would you believe?

Me: Basset Hounds aren’t exactly slim.

Nell: Quite. Well, I was having none of it. I marched up to them and said ‘Excuse me? Who are you calling hefty? My nephew David is barrel chested.’

Me: Good for you. Dave is chunky and that’s what I love about him.

Nell: We all do.

Me: I hope he doesn’t lose too much. We can’t have him turning into a Whippet.

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. David could never be a Whippet.

Me: I don’t want him to be anything but Dave.

Nell: Don’t worry Knitwear Wolf is talking to him now. If anyone can make him see sense then it is Rupert.

Me: You are right. Sorry.

Me: Chloe sent me this video of you at hydrotherapy.

Nell: Did she indeed?

Me: Yes, she says you always have to face the front door.

Nell: Of course, I do. Kev is out there waiting for me in the car park.

Me: You old softy. Look how hard you are working those little legs.

Nell: Little legs? I don’t think you’re in any position to criticise the length of someone’s leg.

Me: I’m not criticising, Nell. I’m impressed. Chloe says you’re doing so well you only need to go once a month now.

Nell: That’s a relief. Walking for miles in a box full of water isn’t my favourite pastime. Now, I have something I would like to discuss with you.

Me: What have I done now?

Nell: Why did Harriet spend the night in your bedroom?

Me: Well, we’ve been having problems with Harriet recently so we thought it might help.

Nell: What problems?

Me: Early morning barking. She just doesn’t stop. We thought she might be feeling lonely.

Nell: Lonely? Harriet shares the living room with me and David. Nobody can be lonely with David around.

Me: Kev thought it was worth a try.

Nell: It didn’t work though, did it?

Me: No. You and Dave started barking early instead.

Nell: Yes, we did.

Me: Are you smiling, Nell?

Nell: Certainly not. Why are you saying that?

Me: I thought I saw a little smirk.

Nell: So, Harriet won’t be sleeping upstairs anymore then?

Me: Probably not.

Nell: It’s got nothing to do with loneliness, by the way. It’s next door’s cat. Wretched animal walks around our garden like it owns it. No self respecting Labrador is going to stay silent.

Me: You could have told me.

Nell: You could have asked. More tea?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: It was so lovely to go for a countryside walk again, Nell.

Nell: Yes, we all enjoyed it. Most invigorating. Just what we needed.

Me: The winter sunshine was bathing everything in a wonderfully warm light.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: It was. It quite took my breath away.

Nell: I don’t know where you think the warmth came from. It’s freezing. Even the llamas are wearing their woolly hats and fur lined boots today.

Me: I think they look rather sweet, don’t you?

Nell: I have other things on my mind than hatted llamas thank you.

Me: What?

Nell: There’s a problem with Woolly Woof.

Me: Isn’t Alejandro playing that role?

Nell: He’s supposed to be.

Me: So why can’t he?

Nell: You’re not going to believe this.

Me: I just might.

Nell: Alejandro has been moonlighting as a camel with Gladys as one of the Wise Men.

Me: I thought they were kings.

Nell: That’s not the point.

Me: No. Where are they performing?

Nell: In the nativity procession. Socially distanced, of course.

Me: What nativity procession?

Nell: It’s organised by the Whippets Institute every year. They walk through the town and along the quay.

Me: What a lovely idea. I saw Gladys wearing a crown a few days ago but I didn’t think anything of it, to be honest.

Nell: Well, they can’t be in two places at once.

Me: They have to take part, Nell. You can’t have just two camels. Or two kings. It’s not ‘We two kings of Orient are.’

Nell: I know that.

Me: Do you think I could play Woolly Woof? I could wear my all encasing hat.

Nell: You are not going on stage. How many times do I have to tell you?

Me: It was just a suggestion. Sorry.

Me: Oh Nell, it’s my darling mother at Claridge’s in London when she and I went for one of our last Christmas afternoon teas together.

Nell: Yes, I thought you would like to see it again.

Me: It’s such a happy memory. The waitress was so lovely and it turned out she trained at The Cottage Hotel down here in Devon.

Nell: Of course she did. There’s a reason why it’s our favourite hotel, you know.

Me: I miss going there so much, Nell. It is such a haven and my happy place.

Nell: You will be going there again soon. Just be patient. One step at a time.

Me: I am so glad that everyone is enjoying the Christmas Special. Their comments have been wonderful.

Nell: Yes. It is extremely gratifying.

Me: I knew they would love your voice.

Nell: And yours.

Me: I’m just me, Nell. You are special.

Nell: Nonsense. And dear Mutley. So lovely to hear him again.

Me: And to know he is there.

Nell: He’s always there, along with the other Guardians.

Me: Yesterday was quite a day.

Nell: It certainly was.

Me: And then out of the blue my phone rang and it was Alice and the grandchildren on FaceTime and I could see their dear faces.

Nell: A wonderful surprise.

Me: Yes. Jonathan showed me their Christmas tree and Faye stole baubles off the tree and brought them to Alice. She’s walking around now.

Nell: In a very determined way, if I may say so.

Me: Yes. It was lovely to see.

Nell: So, you’re finally feeling Christmassy then?

Me: Yes, I am. All those lovely comments and knowing we’re going to get through this together.

Nell: That was never in any doubt. We are like one big family.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I feel like a child on Christmas morning. I am so excited to be sharing the audio Christmas Special today.

Nell: Yes. I know you are.

Me: Everyone will finally hear you speak, Nell.

Nell: We are going to hear so much more than that.

Me: Some of it will make us smile.

Nell: There are going to be a few tears, too.

Me: Yes, but above all I hope this makes people feel Christmassy and loved.

Nell: And I hope that people will share it with family and friends.

Me: Yes. This is definitely meant to be shared.

Nell: So, come over here and snuggle up with us on the sofa. I have made room for you. Kev has lit the fire and we are all here waiting.

Me: Thank you.

Nell: Are you sitting comfortably?

Me: Yes, I am.

Nell: You had better press ‘Play’ then.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: What are you doing?

Me: Just taking a photo of the sunlight on the fields. It’s so beautiful.

Nell: Back to bed right now.

Me: Ok. Bossy boots.

Nell: You know you overdid it yesterday and look at the consequences. One paw forwards and three back.

Me: I only have two paws.

Nell: You know exactly what I mean. Tomorrow is an important day and we cannot have you sick.

Me: I’m sick of being ill.

Nell: Thank goodness Kev already recorded the Talking Bowl with you.

Me: Yes, imagine an ailing Talking Bowl.

Nell: No, thank you.

Me: I think the Talking Bowl probably has a lovely singing voice.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: I could see the Talking Bowl joining the Welsh corgi choir on stage for some of their songs.

Nell: You are not going on stage. Especially at the moment.

Me: Did I ever mention that I sang in the school choir?

Nell: Several times. Now, David wants you to know that your Saturday bacon sandwich didn’t go to waste. He will bring you a plain Digestive biscuit with your chamomile tea.

Me: That’s kind of him. Babycakes Gillespie offered me one of his fresh bagels.

Nell: I hope you refused. What was he doing up here anyway?

Me: He just came upstairs to tell me all about yesterday’s ice skating.

Nell: All I can say is that llamas shouldn’t be allowed near skates. They don’t know how to stop. They are supposed to be Dartmoor ponies not Torvill and Dean.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: And who ever heard of a pony doing the Salchow, whatever that is?

Me: Do you think the Talking Bowl could skate?

Nell: That’s quite enough. Just concentrate on getting better. Tomorrow is a big day.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: There was an awful lot of barking this morning. Has someone done something to annoy Poppy?

Nell: Why?

Me: She looks exceptionally fierce for a Friday morning.

Nell: She’s just getting into character I expect.

Me: Of a fierce animal?

Nell: Yes. The Evil Mrs Snow. Do keep up.

Me: It’s only that when I looked out of the window this morning I thought I saw Naughty Nigel.

Nell: What were you doing out of bed?

Me: It was all the barking, Nell. Was it Naughty Nigel?

Nell: Yes, of course it was. And Seamus and Boo. You know the three boys always visit us together.

Me: What a lovely surprise. I haven’t seen them for ages.

Nell: Yes, although Poppy could have been a little more welcoming.

Me: I knew something had annoyed her.

Nell: She says she hasn’t got enough meatballs for everyone now.

Me: You’ll just have to have two each instead of three.

Nell: Don’t be silly.

Me: It’s all about compromise, Nell.

Nell: Not when it comes to meatballs. Nobody can expect an animal to give up a meatball.

Me: I suppose not.

Nell: Anyway, Poppy is making some more. So, it’s all fine.

Me: It’s nearly Sunday, Nell. Only two more sleeps.

Nell: Yes, I am aware.

Me: It’s nearly time for the Conversations with Nell Christmas Special 2020.

Nell: I know it is.

Me: Everyone is going to finally hear you speak.

Nell: Yes, they are.

Me: I can’t wait. I’m so excited. I do hope they like it.

Nell: They will. Just calm down.

Me: I could hardly sleep last night. Kev and I listened to it and it sounded really good.

Nell: Of course, it did. It’s you and me and Christmas. What’s not good about that?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Is David behind me?

Me: Not really. Why are you asking?

Nell: You are not very good at this, you know.

Me: Good at what?

Nell: You are supposed to shout ‘He’s behind you!’

Me: I didn’t want to give him away. He’s my Big Brave Beautiful Boy. I thought he might be going incognito and I didn’t want to spoil it.

Nell: Going incognito? What are you talking about? We are rehearsing some of his moves.

Me: What moves?

Nell: For the pantomime. You are supposed to give him away. You didn’t think I really couldn’t see him, did you? It is David we are talking about here.

Me: Oh, I see.

Nell: One of your pantomime duties will be to lead the audience so you will need to concentrate and get this right.

Me: I’m a bit tired, to be honest.

Nell: I don’t mean concentrate now. I mean during the performance.

Me: But I was supposed to shout just now.

Nell: That was just a gentle rehearsal next to your bed. A little warm up.

Me: I’ve just had a dreadful thought.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: Am I the warm up act?

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: The one who goes on before the show to get everyone excited.

Nell: I know what a warm up act is.

Me: Only I’m not very good at jokes, Nell.

Nell: You are not the warm up act and you are not going on stage.

Me: Ok.

Nell: Princess is doing that and she will also be in the audience. We might as well put those clapping skills of hers to use.

Me: That’s a relief. He’s still behind you, by the way.

Nell: You are going to have to work on this.

Me: I know. Sorry.

Me: Is Marvin auditioning for a shepherd?

Nell: No. We are not doing a Nativity this year.

Me: Oh yes.

Nell: Marvin knows you aren’t feeling well so he sent over these photos from Toronto on WoofsApp.

Me: This horrible stomach bug has really done me in, Nell. I’ve hardly slept.

Nell: That’s why we thought a photo of Marvin in a towel and another of him with Chris and Shannon in the snow might cheer you up.

Me: I love dogs in towels.

Nell: Yes, I know you do.

Me: And I love Chris and Shannon, and Marv too, of course.

Nell: Yes. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves of our loved ones when we’re feeling a little low.

Me: Yes. You’re right.

Nell: Has it helped?

Me: Yes, it has.

Nell: Now, David has taken the early shift and will be monitoring you until lunchtime.

Me: I don’t think I need monitoring.

Nell: You most certainly do. We know what you’re like.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: You need to rest. The book can wait. Your deadline isn’t until 1st April 2021.

Me: I know but you wouldn’t believe how much there is to do.

Nell: No arguments. David will keep you warm and entertained.

Me: I don’t really need entertaining.

Nell: That’s what I said at Morning Thoughts but David insisted.

Me: He might get bored just watching over me.

Nell: Never mind. This is part of David’s penance for yesterday’s transgression.

Me: What did he do?

Nell: He opened more than one window on the Advent calendar.

Me: Oh no.

Nell: He says the second window was by accident.

Me: Mistakes can happen, Nell. He probably thought a 7 was a 1.

Nell: It was 22 with a large treat inside.

Me: Oh dear. Sorry.