Me: What’s the matter with my Big Brave Beautiful Boy?
Nell: David is not happy.
Me: Oh dear. Have we run out of bacon?
Nell: There is sufficient bacon available, thank you, but David chose cereal and fruit for his breakfast today.
Me: He doesn’t even like cereal, or fruit. Although, the first time I saw him he had Weetabix on his head. Bless him. Such a gorgeous little puppy.
Nell: Anyway, the fact of the matter is that David has decided to go on a diet.
Me: But he is perfect as he is.
Nell: I’m inclined to agree but I’m afraid others don’t.
Me: What others? What happened?
Nell: If you must know, we were down on the beach when the incident occurred.
Me: What incident?
Nell: A group of ramblers were watching David run into the sea with his surfboard and one of them said loudly ‘That Labrador is rather hefty.’
Me: Hefty?
Nell: Yes. David was wounded to the core.
Me: But Dave isn’t hefty. He is magnificent. Who were they? Weimaraners?
Nell: No. Basset Hounds in anoraks, would you believe?
Me: Basset Hounds aren’t exactly slim.
Nell: Quite. Well, I was having none of it. I marched up to them and said ‘Excuse me? Who are you calling hefty? My nephew David is barrel chested.’
Me: Good for you. Dave is chunky and that’s what I love about him.
Nell: We all do.
Me: I hope he doesn’t lose too much. We can’t have him turning into a Whippet.
Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. David could never be a Whippet.
Me: I don’t want him to be anything but Dave.
Nell: Don’t worry Knitwear Wolf is talking to him now. If anyone can make him see sense then it is Rupert.
Me: You are right. Sorry.
