Me: Sometimes there’s nothing better than a good old paddle or swim in a river.

Nell: Less of the old, please.

Me: You know what I mean.

Nell: Actually, the stones can be a little hard and slippery under paw.

Me: I agree but it’s worth it for the deliciousness of that crystal clear water.

Nell: How would you know?

Me: You told me.

Nell: I said it was refreshing. I didn’t mention the word deliciousness.

Me: I was embellishing.

Nell: You were getting carried away again. Now, word on the street is the Beefies are having an election party on Thursday.

Me: Word on the street? You mean you heard it from your friend Dorothy.

Nell: Yes. Dorothy says everyone’s been invited.

Me: I haven’t.

Nell: Of course you haven’t. You’re clearly in the ‘David Martin for Mayor of Kingsbridge’ camp.

Me: You bet I am.

Nell: The Beefies have asked Lionel King to bring The Great Barberino to sing to the voters.

Me: Will they never learn?

Nell: And Lionel has agreed.

Me: I told you he hadn’t changed.

Nell: But he has. Lionel is going to take The Fake Barberino.

Me: The one who can’t sing?

Nell: Yes, when he starts howling Stephen Seagull will be a laughing stock and nobody will vote for him.

Me: I feel a bit sorry for The Fake Barberino. He probably thinks he has a lovely voice.

Nell: No, he doesn’t. He’s one of Sally’s spies and his name is George.

Me: George Michael had a wonderful voice.

Nell: Well, George Schnauzer doesn’t.

Me: We should have an election party on Thursday too.

Nell: It’s already in the pipeline. In fact Poppy is making sausage rolls as we speak.

Me: My favourite.

Nell: They’re for Thursday. Not now.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: I told you he wasn’t all bad.

Me: Just because Lionel King decided to bring The Great Barberino back instead of leaving him on Drake’s Island with the Beefies does not make him a good lion.

Nell: No, but it makes him a lion who has seen the error of his ways.

Me: Sally and her team were so close to getting the evidence they needed.

Nell: Maybe Lionel will help them do that. He’s been in talks with Sally since he got back.

Me: I’m not holding my breath.

Nell: Have you got the hiccups?

Me: Why? Is someone talking about me?

Nell: How should I know?

Me: All I’m going to say is a leopard can’t change its spots.

Nell: And neither can a Dalmatian but what’s that got to do with anything?

Me: I must say The Fake Barberino looked awfully like the real one.

Nell: Yes, but he couldn’t sing.

Me: I quite enjoyed the Barberinos spontaneous duet.

Nell: Not as much as the llamas. How anyone can cartwheel after a huge Sunday roast is quite beyond me.

Me: I couldn’t cartwheel after a salad.

Nell: You couldn’t cartwheel at all.

Me: True. It’s good to have Henry and Horst home.

Nell: Yes, they are a credit to crustaceans.

Me: I thought they were insects.

Nell: Woodlice are crustaceans. They are known as pillbugs or roly-polys in North America.

Me: How do you know that?

Nell: Rupert told me.

Me: Of course. I keep forgetting Knitwear Wolf is Canadian. What does he think of Lionel’s sudden change of heart?

Nell: I have no idea but I know Rupert will do everything he can to support David and defeat the Beefies.

Me: Even work with his rival?

Nell: Rival? Nonsense.

Me: I wish it was. Sorry.

Me: Do you know why Dave’s downstairs on the yellow chair talking to a couple of Jack Russells in trilby hats with pencils behind their ears?

Nell: Journalists, I expect, wanting a statement from the Mayor of Kingsbridge on the latest developments.

Me: What latest developments?

Nell: Haven’t you seen the headlines in The Growl on Sunday?

Me: Not yet.

Nell: ‘Where is The Great Barberino?’

Me: He’s downstairs having bacon sandwiches in the kitchen with Harriet.

Nell: Quiet. They don’t know that and neither do the Beefies.

Me: So who’s on Lionel’s boat?

Nell: A Fake Barberino. One of Sally’s team.

Me: Do we know where they are?

Nell: Henry and Horst say they’re on their way to Plymouth.

Me: Not to Drake’s Island?

Nell: Yes. Beefy HQ.

Me: I’m awfully worried about them.

Nell: Don’t be. Sally says it’s all under control. As soon as they have enough evidence they’ll be on their way back.

Me: How?

Nell: A group of Navy Seals has surrounded the island with Princess and Sir Roger Blubbery.

Me: He isn’t really a Sir. Poppy knighted him with her sword.

Nell: They’ll escort them back to our beach where Rupert will be waiting on his motorbike to drive them home.

Me: Won’t Henry and Horst get awfully wet riding on a seal?

Nell: They’re wearing life jackets and are secured to The Fake Barberino’s top hat. Do keep up.

Me: Is Poppy still cooking a roast?

Nell: Of course. Everyone will be hungry.

Me: Have Sunday Songs started?

Nell: Not yet. Why?

Me: Somebody’s singing.

Nell: It’s The Great Barberino. Stop him now.

Me: Why? He has a lovely voice.

Nell: The whole team are at risk if the Beefies find out he’s here and not on Lionel’s boat.

Me; Oh yes. Sorry.

Nell: I don’t want to discuss this.

Me: Well, you’re going to have to because Sally is here for a reason.

Nell: Yes, she’s supporting David in his campaign to be re-elected as Mayor of Kingsbridge.

Me: I know there was a big meeting and she called you to one side.

Nell: We haven’t seen each other in a while. We needed to catch up.

Me: It was about Lionel King, wasn’t it?

Nell: Yes. But if you say ‘I told you so’ I’m leaving.

Me: I won’t. Even if I did.

Nell: It seems that word has reached Sally that Lionel might be in league with the Beefies.

Me: I told you.

Nell: What did you say?

Me: Nothing.

Nell: The Beefies are planning to force The Great Barberino to vote for Stephen Seagull.

Me: He doesn’t have a vote. He’s just visiting from Canada.

Nell: Everyone has a vote.

Me: Are you sure?

Nell: Anyway, the upshot is that David and I will not be sailing over to the island with Lionel.

Me: Good.

Nell: But The Great Barberino has bravely agreed to.

Me: To what?

Nell: To sail with Lionel.

Me: He can’t do that. The Beefies are going to steal his vote.

Nell: Never fear. Sally’s team will be running the ship.

Me: I know that, but what about The Great Barberino?

Nell: I mean the real ship. Sally’s team are going to disguise themselves as the crew.

Me: He’s going to notice Harriet.

Nell: Not Harriet. She will be with us. Henry and Horst.

Me: I don’t want to be negative but Henry and Horst are woodlice. What are they going to do?

Nell: I beg your pardon? We are talking about Henry and Horst here. There is nothing they can’t do.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Have you ordered croissants again?

Nell: Of course not.

Me: Why is Harriet looking concerned?

Nell: I have no idea but it’s got nothing to do with French pastries.

Me: Has Poppy forgiven you?

Nell: My toast was a little burnt this morning so I’m not sure I’m completely out of the woods yet.

Me: Did she serve it on her sword?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Oh dear. At least she’s back in the kitchen.

Nell: David gave her one of his pleading looks.

Me: He’s good at those. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: She knows he needs to keep his strength up before tomorrow’s performance on the island.

Me: Is The Great Barberino still planning to sail over there on Lionel King’s boat?

Nell: We all are.

Me: No, we aren’t, Nell. If you insist on going then it’s by sea tractor.

Nell: You sound just like Rupert.

Me: Lionel can’t be trusted. You know that.

Nell: And David and The Great Barberino can’t be expected to travel alone.

Me: Dave’s not going with Lionel either. I’m not allowing it.

Nell: I think you’ll find the Mayor of Kingsbridge can make his own decisions.

Me: I don’t care what the Mayor does. Dave isn’t going on that boat.

Nell: Mr Giggles will collect us after lunch and drive us down to the sea.

Me: Do you remember the last time you were driven by that elderly hyena? You nearly missed the King’s Coronation.

Nell: Anyone can lose their way.

Me: You’ve definitely lost your way. I don’t know what it is about Lionel King but you’re not yourself when he’s around.

Nell: Stop being such a fuddy-duddy. Life is for living.

Me: Harriet’s looking worried for a reason, Nell. You’re putting yourself in danger. It won’t do. Sorry.

Nell: You’re not going to like this.

Me: Tell me.

Nell: Poppy’s gone on strike.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: She’s outside on the yellow chair and she’s not moving for anyone.

Me: Why?

Nell: There might have been a slight mistake over breakfast this morning.

Me: Was it Dave?

Nell: No, he had his usual lightly boiled eggs with freshly baked bread and lashings of butter and I said he could have my second egg because I wasn’t that hungry.

Me: So, what annoyed Poppy?

Nell: Somebody appears to have ordered croissants from the French bakery.

Me: The one run by the Beefies with the award winning French bulldog from Falmouth?

Nell: Yes.

Me: How do you know?

Nell: They found the bag full of croissant crumbs.

Me: What bag?

Nell: The one the Beefies dropped when they delivered it.

Me: You seem to know rather a lot about this.

Nell: Poppy is understandably annoyed.

Me: I know you love a croissant for breakfast.

Nell: That was when I was living in the South of France.

Me: I didn’t know you lived there.

Nell: There’s a lot you don’t know.

Me: Like the fact you ordered the croissants?

Nell: It was a mistake. Lionel and I were trying to see how the online ordering system worked.

Me: Lionel King?

Nell: Yes. We were discussing pre-ordering breakfasts and how annoying that can be.

Me: Why?

Nell: Because you don’t necessarily know what you want to eat for breakfast the night before.

Me: No, why were you with Lionel?

Nell: He invited me to dinner. A thank you for introducing him to The Great Barberino.

Me: I’m never going to understand your ridiculous fascination with that lion.

Nell: He’s a changed animal.

Me: No, he isn’t. He’s up to no good again. Sorry.

Me: I’ve been thinking.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: You know when we went over to the island when the tide was out?

Nell: Yes. We could walk all the way over to the hotel.

Me: I was watching you and Kev together just thinking your thoughts.

Nell: It’s what we do.

Me: After a while you gazed up at him in your special way.

Nell: I knew he needed me.

Me: Yes, and you needed him.

Nell: I did.

Me: And even though he was still staring at the island and thinking his thoughts he reached out and stroked your head.

Nell: I knew he would.

Me: And you were both happy.

Nell: We were.

Me: Just being there. Together.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: And that’s what you dogs do for us. The companionship you offer is such an incredible comfort.

Nell: It works both ways, you know. When you’re happy we’re happy.

Me: Yes.

Nell: And when you’re sad we’re sad.

Me: Yes.

Nell: I think you might be a little sad today.

Me: It’s just one of those days, Nell.

Nell: Well, I have some exciting news guaranteed to distract you.

Me: Tell me.

Nell: The Great Barberino has been asked to sing at the Burgh Island Hotel.

Me: Good for him.

Nell: And David is joining him on stage as a Special Guest.

Me: That’s exciting.

Nell: The posters say ‘The Great Barberino with Special Guest The Mayor of Kingsbridge.’

Me: But he isn’t the Mayor of Kingsbridge. What if the real mayor decides to go instead?

Nell: David’s going to wear his mayoral chain and The Cat has found him a beautiful red cloak.

Me: We don’t even know if the real mayor can sing.

Nell: Told you it would be a distraction,

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Is there some sort of party going on outside?

Nell: It’s Babycakes Gillespie and the llamas. They’re celebrating 4th July.

Me: I know Babycakes is from the United States but the llamas aren’t.

Nell: Llamas don’t care about that. They just love celebrating and he can’t party on his own.

Me: True. How Harriet can sleep through it all is beyond me.

Nell: She was up late zooming with Sally and before you ask me, I don’t know why.

Me: You’re not going to believe this.

Nell: That’s my line.

Me: The Great Barberino is riding around the field on Beauregard’s back.

Nell: I’m not surprised. It turns out that wild tigers can be cuddled.

Me: Beauregard didn’t mind?

Nell: No. After a little hesitation he decided he rather liked Oscar Barberino.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: So much so that he spent the night in the Tree House with Mrs King and little Roary.

Me: Roary isn’t very little anymore.

Nell: No. Lion cubs have a tendency to grow.

Me: I wonder what The Great Barberino thought when he woke up next to a tiger and two lions?

Nell: Don’t forget Oliver the opossum.

Me: Oh yes. I hope your friend doesn’t spoil things.

Nell: Dorothy has never been in a tree house in her life.

Me: I’m talking about that wretched lion.

Nell: Lionel King is a changed animal. He’s even offered to take The Great Barberino for a sail around the island.

Me: Oscar is afraid of water.

Nell: He can wear a life jacket.

Me: And he can bring Beauregard.

Nell: That’s a terrible idea. You know Beauregard and Lionel are arch enemies.

Me: Now they’re playing toss the bagel.

Nell: Over a stick?

Me: No. Into the mouth. Dave’s joining in.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: Sorry.

Me: Did you see the photos of the Mayoral Concert in the Daily Growl this morning?

Nell: Yes. They’re calling yesterday ‘a triumph’.

Me: The Great Barberino was amazing.

Nell: He was.

Me: I didn’t expect him to start singing jazz and swing.

Nell: I told you he had a wide range.

Me: The Whippets Institute Big Band came into their own, didn’t they? Everyone loves a bit of Sinatra.

Nell: They do.

Me: What about the llamas tap dancing? Especially in top hats and tails.

Nell: They’re versatile creatures.

Me: When Dave joined The Great Barberino at the end for a rendition of ‘My Way’ the crowd went absolutely wild.

Nell: Some of them appeared to be throwing stuffed animals. One of the Welsh Corgi Choir was quite overcome and had to be escorted off stage.

Me: Poor little thing. Not everyone likes a stuffed animal.

Nell: Quite. Where’s David?

Me: He’s outside practising being serious and statesdoglike. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: He’s certain of re-election as Mayor of Kingsbridge after yesterday.

Me: Except he was never actually elected in the first place.

Nell: My favourite moment was when Stephen Seagull and his band of Beefies tried to outsing The Great Barberino.

Me: They had no chance.

Nell: Nobody took any notice of their awful screeching.

Me: And when Sven Gully appeared and tried to stare him down The Great Barberino just stared back.

Nell: Yes, until the wretched creature was forced to retreat. What on earth is going on over there?

Me: Where?

Nell: Am I seeing what I think I’m seeing?

Me: I’m afraid you are.

Nell: Why is The Great Barberino trying to cuddle Beauregard? Doesn’t he realise he’s a wild animal?

Me: He seems to have confused him with the stuffed tiger. Sorry.

Me: Wake up.

Nell: Is he still singing?

Me: No, he’s sitting next to my bed staring at me.

Nell: Ask him what he wants.

Me: I’m a bit scared.

Nell: He probably needs another cuddly toy.

Me: He’s got hundreds of them already. Do you think he’s trying to hypnotise me?

Nell: The Great Barberino isn’t going to waste time on you.

Me: That’s a relief.

Nell: And if he isn’t singing he isn’t hypnotising.

Me: He just sighed and left.

Nell: There you are then.

Me: I think I might have been a disappointment.

Nell: Never mind.

Me: I’ll tell you who isn’t a disappointment.

Nell: Who?

Me: The stuffed tiger.

Nell: Yes, he loves Beaumarchais.

Me: I think he’d do anything for that tiger.

Nell: As long as he performs at the Mayoral Concert later all will be well.

Me: It feels like he’s been practising for hours.

Nell: That wasn’t practising.

Me: He can certainly sing quite high.

Nell: He’s a tenor.

Me: He sounded more like a soprano to me.

Nell: The Great Barberino has a wide range.

Me: Has he met the Welsh Corgi Choir yet?

Nell: Yes, they had strawberries and cream with him at The Cat’s yesterday afternoon.

Me: Why wasn’t I invited? I love strawberries and cream.

Nell: You are neither a corgi nor a singer.

Me: Are we expecting a lot of visitors?

Nell: Yes. Word has spread that The Great Barberino is performing and it’s not something anyone wants to miss.

Me: Do you think the Beefies are going to try and attack?

Nell: We’re expecting Sven Gully to be lurking somewhere but don’t worry.

Me: Because we have our hats and sunglasses?

Nell: No, we have The Great Barberino. Nothing will get past him.

Me: Of course. Sorry.