Me: I think Harriet has the right idea.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: In times of trouble we all try and keep busy and distracted.

Nell: Yes.

Me: But, actually it is perfectly okay to stop now and again.

Nell: Yes.

Me: Because sometimes all you need is a cuddle.

Nell: Not from me you don’t. I have far too many things in my bowl at the moment.

Me: You see, that’s where you go wrong, Nell. The puppies are excellent cuddlers. Even Poppy manages one now and again.

Nell: I need my personal space.

Me: Maybe our penguin would like a cuddle.

Nell: I beg your pardon? When did it become our penguin?

Me: It’s been here a while now, Nell.

Nell: That doesn’t mean it’s ours. It’s an independent penguin. It can come and go as it pleases.

Me: Well, it seems to be staying. It was eating mackerel with Malcolm in the kitchen just now.

Nell: I hope it wasn’t a Beefy mackerel. They threw one at Henry and Horst yesterday. Fortunately Gladys intervened and saved the day.

Me: What did she do?

Nell: Hit it with her cricket bat. Scored a six I believe, although I was wearing my sunglasses at the time so I can’t be sure.

Me: I suppose we’re going to have to wear sunglasses at the family photo shoot this afternoon.

Nell: What family photo shoot?

Me: Kev’s 60th birthday present. We are all going down to the beach.

Nell: What exactly do you mean by all?

Me: No animals, unfortunately, except for you.

Nell: Lucky me.

Me: You already know the photographer from our photoshoot for the book.

Nell: The one who took my ball?

Me: He just wanted your full concentration.

Nell: Nobody touches my ball.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Nell: David overdid it again.

Me: I know. He was so pleased to see Chris and Shannon.

Nell: But you can’t just stand on people. Especially after they’ve been on a long flight.

Me: Harriet went crazy when she saw Chris.

Nell: Yes. She has never forgotten the time when she was a little puppy and he cared for her.

Me: I know. I thought she would never stop kissing him.

Nell: I do think David is going to have to learn a little restraint.

Me: My darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. He wears his heart on his sleeve.

Nell: What on earth are you talking about?David doesn’t have sleeves. He’s not wearing his winter cardigan at the moment.

Me: It’s just a saying.

Nell: Talking of cardigans, Knitwear Wolf brought one for the penguin.

Me: He’s a kind wolf.

Nell: Yes. Since it started wearing sunglasses it’s stopped filming.

Me: Interesting.

Nell: You’ve forgotten why, haven’t you?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Sunglasses protect us from being hypnotised by Sven Gully. Remember?

Me: I thought it was a fashion statement.

Nell: Do try and keep up. I’m pleased to say Malcolm is now completely back to normal.

Me: I’m so relieved.

Nell: Preparations are well under way for our second Christmas dinner. The turkey is going into the oven soon.

Me: What about Timothy?

Nell: He’s gone on an artist’s retreat.

Me: Have we got any Christmas crackers?

Nell: I’m not sure, but Gladys will be performing a contemporary Christmas dance and The Cat has made sequinned hats for everyone.

Me: It all sounds wonderful.

Nell: You’re very happy to have all your loved ones here, aren’t you?

Me: Happier than I can say.

Nell: I think you can say. It’s what you do best.

Me: Yes, it is. Sorry.

Nell: I’m afraid we have an issue in the living room.

Me: What’s happened?

Nell: David is scared of touching Faye’s baby chair.

Me: He just needs to push past it. He’s used to barging.

Nell: Not when it comes to Baby Faye. She is VIP.

Me: Don’t you mean a VIP?

Nell: No. We have grades of P and both Faye and Jonathan are VIP.

Me: Am I?

Nell: No. You’re OP.

Me: I’m not an old person, Nell. That’s a bit harsh.

Nell: What are you talking about? These are grades of Protection. You are an Occasional Protection because, in the main, you can be trusted to look after yourself.

Me: Oh, I see.

Nell: But Faye and Jonathan are still young and vulnerable so they need Very Intensive Protection.

Me: Is that why you and Dave were crowding Jonathan when we were getting ready to go out yesterday?

Nell: It wasn’t crowding. Part of Intensive Protection means at least two animals are on guard.

Me: But not Monty and Olive I hope, because the children will get squished between a moose and a reindeer.

Nell: Monty and Olive have joined Alejandro’s fighting team. They’re all wearing sunglasses and hats and he’s teaching them how to spit.

Me: How terrifying.

Nell: It’s more messy than terrifying to be honest. Monty’s aim isn’t that good.

Me: Malcolm seems a lot happier now he’s started wearing sunglasses.

Nell: Yes, he’s almost back to his old self, apart from the occasional pickled herring. You look distracted.

Me: I am a bit.

Nell: You’re tracking Chris and Shannon’s flight from Toronto again, aren’t you?

Me: Yes. I just want them to be safely here.

Nell: They will be. This afternoon. Not long now and we will all be together.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: You three gave me an awful shock when I woke up this morning.

Nell: We were keeping a close eye on you.

Me: Why?

Nell: One of Henry and Horst’s intelligence officers reported that you were speaking Swedish in your sleep.

Me: Well, I wasn’t. I can speak German but I can’t speak Swedish.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: And what do you mean one of their intelligence officers. How many are there?

Nell: They have quite an extensive network. Insects can go anywhere and spiders are especially good at hiding.

Me: Spiders?

Nell: When the news came in from one of the owls about Sven Gully we thought we’d better check on you ourselves.

Me: What news?

Nell: Sven Gully was spotted by Tawny Tim eating a strawberry ice cream down at the Quay.

Me: Was it his ice cream?

Nell: No. Stolen from a visiting Dogue de Bordeaux.

Me: The cheek of it.

Nell: Yes. And there’s more.

Me: Surely not.

Nell: He was talking to a penguin.

Me: In a hat?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Carrying a film camera?

Nell: Correct.

Me: So the penguins are working with Sven Gully?

Nell: Well, Tawny Tim said the penguin looked rather dazed.

Me: I’ve never seen a dazed penguin.

Nell: That’s not the point. Tawny Tim thinks Gully was hypnotising the penguin.

Me: Oh, I see.

Nell: Anyway, at Morning Thoughts we decided we may all have to start wearing sunglasses again because Gully could be anywhere.

Me: True.

Nell: And we might have to call on The Great Mutliano.

Me: He’s defeated Sven Gully before.

Nell: Although Joyce doesn’t want Mutley involved. She says it’s too risky at his age.

Me: Well, Joyce can mind her own beeswax.

Nell: It is her business, and you know it.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: We have come to the decision that Malcolm is not himself.

Me: I could have told you that.

Nell: Fortunately both Jonathan and Faye have agreed to help us in our investigations.

Me: I’m very pleased to hear that.

Nell: I saw Harriet whispering to them during Morning Thoughts, although it could have been to Henry and Horst, of course. Those boys are so good at concealment I am never quite sure where they are.

Me: David seemed to be taking a keen interest in Jonathan’s breakfast.

Nell: He says the amount of vegetables and fruit Jonathan eats is quite worrying but a few more bacon sandwiches might help.

Me: Did I see Poppy talking to Faye?

Nell: Yes. She was telling her about Malcolm’s latest bad behaviour.

Me: What has he done now?

Nell: He threw a wet mackerel at the Welsh corgi choir during Sunday Singing.

Me: No? That’s Beefy behaviour.

Nell: Quite. And Joyce is fairly sure she heard him talking in Swedish to the filming penguin.

Me: They were probably discussing meatballs.

Nell: I know Malcolm is not himself but I don’t think he has reached the stage of discussing meatballs with a penguin yet.

Me: But everyone loves the Swedish ones.

Nell: Have you seen Knitwear Wolf? He’s late with the newspapers.

Me: No.

Nell: It’s this awful rain. It plays havoc with his cardigans.

Me: What time is Count Bingo arriving?

Nell: Any minute now. He had an early meeting with Owl Pacino and the Royal Owl Force.

Me: Why?

Nell: A precautionary measure. If the bad behaviour spreads we will need to move fast. As I always say: ‘A rolling bone gathers no moss.’

Me: Don’t you mean stone? Why would you roll a bone?

Nell: Why wouldn’t you?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Little Ollie is looking decidedly guilty.

Me: He’s not so little anymore.

Nell: What has he done?

Me: I don’t know, but Tony says he is a proper scallywag.

Nell: Dear, oh dear. Talking of scallywags. You know Malcolm says he isn’t sorry.

Me: Really? That’s not like him at all.

Nell: Susan told him she is going to stay at her parents if he continues with this bad behaviour.

Me: What happened?

Nell: I can hardly bear to tell you.

Me: You’ve got to now, or I will imagine the worst.

Nell: He made me a Builder’s tea with milk and sugar.

Me: Not Earl Grey?

Nell: No. In a mug, not a cup, with a digestive biscuit on the side, not shortbread.

Me: That’s shocking.

Nell: I know. And it gets worse.

Me: Surely not.

Nell: He served shop bought scones for tea. Not Poppy’s. With no cream, or jam.

Me: We never have shop bought scones.

Nell: Poppy had to go for a lie down.

Me: I don’t blame her.

Nell: David tried to reason with him but he just laughed and told him to go back to the barn with his pet llama.

Me: Hang on. We don’t have a llama.

Nell: He was talking about Alejandro and he knows how sensitive he is about alpacas being mistaken for llamas.

Me: What are we going to do?

Nell: David has contacted Count Bingo Flamingo and he is flying over.

Me: I hope he can help.

Nell: And to add insult to injury that wretched penguin filmed it all.

Me: Oh no.

Nell: And now it’s on You Chewed for everyone to see.

Me: What channel? Do the penguins have their own?

Nell: I don’t know. That’s not the point.

Me: No. Of course not. Sorry.

Me: Our beautiful Harriet. She looks a little concerned this morning, though.

Nell: Yes, I’m afraid someone has been reported to the Head of Security for inappropriate behaviour.

Me: It wasn’t Gladys, was it?

Nell: No. Why?

Me: I think she’s been using the Farm Dogs’ trampoline to practice her somersaults.

Nell: She’s been doing that for weeks. Nobody cares. It’s attention seeking if you ask me.

Me: Was it one of the larger animals?

Nell: Alejandro accidentally spat at a passing poodle, but apologies have been made.

Me: How did it happen?

Nell: It was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses.

Me: What’s wrong with that?

Nell: In the rain? Highly suspicious. He acted spontaneously.

Me: It was probably an optimistic poodle.

Nell: What are you talking about?

Me: On holiday and hoping for some sunshine.

Nell: If you must know, it was someone most unexpected.

Me: I bet it was Joyce.

Nell: No. It was Malcolm.

Me: Malcolm? I don’t believe it. He is the politest flamingo I’ve ever met.

Nell: Not anymore.

Me: What has he done?

Nell: He made prawn macarons for breakfast.

Me: That’s disgusting.

Nell: Yes. When Poppy challenged him he said ‘Gotcha’ and laughed.

Me: Laughed?

Nell: He’s not been himself for a while.

Me: In what way?

Nell: He’s been doing a lot of singing recently. Myfanwy was telling me.

Me: There’s no harm in that.

Nell: No. We expect the odd show tune, but not rap. He’s a flamingo, not a duck.

Me: Do ducks rap then?

Nell: The drakes are known for it. Anyway, David is on the case now.

Me: My darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. He’ll have it all ‘rapped’ up in no time. See what I did there?

Nell: Good grief.

Me: I’ll get my coat. Sorry.

Me: It’s us again.

Nell: They know that.

Me: The advance copies of the book just arrived and I had to show you all. They have done such a wonderful job. I am truly delighted.

Nell: Yes, it is most gratifying to see one’s words in print.

Me: It’s a dream come true. So Happy World Book Day everyone.

Nell: They say reading is like spending time with a good friend.

Me: That’s what I want this book to be.

Nell: That’s what it is.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Thank you for the wonderful welcome home.

Nell: The Welsh corgi choir insisted on performing.

Me: The children loved it.

Nell: Good. Now, at Morning Thoughts today we agreed the children should be assigned bodyguards due to the possible presence of The Hunter.

Me: Don’t tell me. Dave volunteered.

Nell: Yes, David did put himself forward as did a number of the larger animals. But in the end we decided on Henry and Horst.

Me: Henry and Horst? What are woodlice going to do if The Hunter attacks?

Nell: The Hunter doesn’t attack. The Hunter whispers and manipulates. Henry and Horst are ideally placed to alert HQ if they notice anything amiss.

Me: I suppose so.

Nell: They are also light and easily transported.

Me: True.

Nell: As Harriet is busy working closely with Sally on uncovering The Hunter, David has stepped up as Head of Security.

Me: My Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: He has an excellent team of trained professionals behind him.

Me: Has he hired someone in then?

Nell: No. We have Monty, a member of the Canadian mounted police and Alejandro the fighting alpaca.

Me: Hang on a minute. How did Alejandro become a fighting alpaca?

Nell: Alejandro has a black belt.

Me: I didn’t know he was trained in the martial arts.

Nell: He isn’t, but The Cat made him a fighting belt and he knows how to spit.

Me: You’ll be telling me Gladys is a professional next.

Nell: Of course she is. Latin Dance champion for 2 years running. Do keep up.

Me: So what exactly is our new Head of Security planning?

Nell: Bacon sandwiches for everyone and dippy eggs for the children. An animal marches on its stomach and we need to build up our strength.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Nell: What a lovely photo. Hasn’t Faye grown?

Me: Yes, and Jonathan is such a caring big brother.

Nell: Of course.

Me: It’s so lovely to have them here. Lots of kisses and cuddles.

Nell: Harriet and Poppy are the same. David is still moody. He refuses to believe you’ll be back this afternoon.

Me: My darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. By the way, you’re not going to believe this.

Nell: Oh dear.

Me: We looked out of the hotel bedroom and guess what we saw?

Nell: A plane?

Me: No. A penguin in a tree.

Nell: Penguins don’t climb trees.

Me: With a film camera. What a coincidence is that?

Nell: It’s not a coincidence. A penguin hasn’t randomly chosen a tree outside your hotel window to do some filming. It must have followed you.

Me: Really?

Nell: Was it wearing a hat?

Me: Yes. A rather nice knitted one. I wondered if it was from Knitwear Wolf’s new range.

Nell: That’s immaterial. Anyway, we have some news.

Me: Have you found The Hunter?

Nell: You’ve only been gone a day. No. David was chatting to the penguin.

Me: What about?

Nell: Not a lot, to be honest, as it only appears to know one word.

Me: What is it?

Nell: Cool. David said they had quite a long conversation before he realised it hadn’t actually understood anything he’d said.

Me: Why?

Nell: It only understands Swedish.

Me: How do you know?

Nell: Now, this might surprise you, but Joyce can speak a little Swedish.

Me: Excuse me?

Nell: When she saw a Beefy feeding the penguin a mackerel she thought it was worth a try.

Me: There is something very fishy about this.

Nell: Do stop. Just bring them home. We’re waiting for you all.

Me: Yes. Sorry.