Me: Could I have a word?

Nell: Yes. Be quick about it as Susan’s Auntie Sandra and Uncle Stanley are waiting for an update down at the quay. They are posing as Beefies and sent me a photo of themselves on WoofsApp. Sandra has put on a little weight.

Me: How is Susan?

Nell: Stephen Seagull is treating her like a princess and showering her with fish. She knows it’s all show but at least she isn’t suffering. He says she should join the Beefies.

Me: Never. Now, do you happen to know why there is a giant headless seagull in the garden?

Nell: Yes. Timothy and The Cat are working on the head. It will be finished soon.

Me: So it’s not real then?

Nell: Of course it isn’t. It’s almost as tall as Kev’s independent man cave.

Me: Why is it there?

Nell: It’s a Devon Seagull. Malcolm is going to present it to Stephen Seagull when he goes to Beefy HQ later.

Me: It’s awfully large, Nell.

Nell: Yes, but it’s on wheels. It was Charlie’s idea. The inside is hollow with enough room to hide Owl Pacino and several of his patrol. Gladys and Poppy want to join them but I worry about the risk.

Me: Oh. Like a Trojan Horse?

Nell: No. Put your glasses on. It is clearly a bird even without the head. It has two legs for goodness sake. There is nothing horse about it.

Me: So the Beefies will be deceived?

Nell: Exactly. Once inside HQ the owls will fly out and cause havoc while Malcolm frees Susan.

Me: I think he is going to need Gladys and Poppy to do that.

Nell: Possibly. Gladys will be wearing her fighting suit, of course, and Poppy will have her sword and a bag of rock cakes.

Me: Will the others be there?

Nell: David and Mutley will be waiting outside in the getaway car with Harriet. She insisted on joining the fighting team and Charlie says I shouldn’t hold her back.

Me: And Count Bingo?

Nell: He will fly in with a flamboyance of flamingos. We are hoping for a clear sky and a good tailwind.

Me: What an imaginative plan.

Nell: Yes. Charlie likes to think outside the bowl.

Me: You mean box.

Nell: I most certainly do not. Don’t put words in my mouth.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I could watch you all having fun for hours. There is something magical about dogs on the beach.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: The way you embrace the freedom to just run and let the wind ruffle your coats.

Nell: Ruffle our coats? What are you talking about? It was freezing. We needed to run to get dry.

Me: You know what I mean. You love it.

Nell: We do. A brisk swim is the perfect start to the day. You should try it.

Me: I’m afraid the water needs to be warmer for me.

Nell: Now, it’s Sunday, so another quiet day for everyone. Charlie and I are about to listen to The Archers Omnibus on the radio.

Me: I love The Archers.

Nell: Susan and Humphrey are joining us for lunch along with her mother Sheila. Malcolm says Sheila is rather shy.

Me: So not seagully at all.

Nell: I don’t think that’s a word. Not all seagulls are Beefies. You know that. Both Susan and Sheila are the gentle kind. Was that a knock at the door?

Me: Yes. Do you think it’s Susan and her parents?

Nell: They are awfully early. Lunch isn’t until one. Look out of the window.

Me: Oh dear. There’s a huge Beefy at the door wearing a grey cravat and carrying an envelope in its beak.

Nell: Go and get the letter and take David with you.

Me: Ok.

Nell: So, what is going on?

Me: You are not going to like this.

Nell: Tell me.

Me: The letter was for Malcolm and the grey cravat is actually Susan’s cloak. Here it is. Malcolm says you should read it.

Nell: It’s from Susan. Stephen Seagull has taken her to Beefy HQ. She says Malcolm needs to go there right now.

Me: He can’t. They’ll eat him alive.

Nell: Do calm down. We need to make a plan. Tell everyone to gather in the living room. I will fetch Charlie. The Archers will have to wait.

Me: I don’t think they can, Nell. It’s a radio programme. It has to go out on time.

Nell: That is not what I meant. Honestly, I despair of you sometimes.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: You are such a beauty, Nell.

Nell: What do you want? I’m resting.

Me: Nothing. I was just admiring you. Do you realise you’ve lost 3 kilos since you started your diet? Only a few kilos to go.

Nell: They want me to weigh 28kg. I haven’t weighed that since I was an adolescent.

Me: You can do it.

Nell: Charlie says I am perfect. He is feeling a little stronger today, by the way.

Me: Good. There are a lot of people thinking about him.

Nell: He knows. It is a huge comfort.

Me: So, how was the march?

Nell: Amazing. So much energy. The press were everywhere. Those Kardashandruns are popular but Gladys stole the show.

Me: I thought she was tired. What happened?

Nell: David was carrying her down the High Street in my handbag when the Welsh corgis launched into “All the Single Ladies”.

Me: The one by Beyoncé?

Nell: Who? No. Bouncy, an extremely charismatic poodle. Loves lemonade. Married to that rapping Rottweiler David raves about.

Me: Jay-Z?

Nell: Yes. Jason. Don’t abbreviate his name like that. Anyway, the Dartmouth Dachshunds all started rolling over and Gladys leapt out of my handbag wearing a silver jumpsuit, high heels and large earrings.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: David and The Cat joined her in a contemporary dance and soon everyone was involved. You should have seen some of the high kicks. Those whippets are flexible.

Me: How wonderful.

Nell: Yes. A few stray Beefies tried to heckle but Pamela, a large Pyrenean Mountain dog and honorary member of the Whippets Institute, soon put a stop to it with a well aimed scone.

Me: Good for her.

Nell: I think we shall have a quiet day today. Maybe a walk on the beach later. Charlie might join us.

Me: Would it be all right if I came along too?

Nell: Of course. It’s Family time. No need to ask.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Why are you all in a line? Poppy seems in a rush.

Nell: It’s International Women’s Day. We are waiting for the others to join us for the march.

Me: What march?

Nell: Well, as you may know, Harriet and I have been involved in deep discussions with the Whippets Institute.

Me: Harriet doesn’t like talking.

Nell: This is fighting talk.

Me: Oh, I see.

Nell: Anyway, they have arranged a march to demonstrate solidarity with all females around the world. The Welsh corgis are singing and the Dartmouth Dachshunds are performing. We aren’t quite sure what, but it usually involves rolling over.

Me: Can I point out that David isn’t a female.

Nell: David and The Cat are honorary females today. Someone has to carry my handbag as Gladys isn’t up to the walk but still wants to be involved. I blame those rock cakes.

Me: What about Mutley?

Nell: Mutley doesn’t do marching. Before you ask, Charlie is resting. The past few days have taken their toll.

Me: Oh dear. How is he?

Nell: He is very tired. You can see it in his eyes. So I suggested a pyjama day with dressing gown and slippers, of course.

Me: Yes. Quite.

Nell: Malcolm and Susan will be looking after him while I am out. Mutley will join him by the fire for a light lunch of poached salmon and new potatoes on a tray and possibly a game of cards afterwards.

Me: Good. What about the Beefies?

Nell: Nothing as yet but the Owl Air Force will escort us from the sky in case of any nonsense.

Me: I wish I could be there.

Nell: It’s being streamed worldwide so you can follow it online. Netlicks will probably make a series out of it knowing them.

Me: Are you sure people will be that interested?

Nell: Kitten Kardashandrun and her Klan are involved so we are guaranteed publicity. Notice what I did there?

Me: Klever.

Nell: Enough.

Me: Sorry.

Me: What’s the matter with Harriet this morning?

Nell: She has been rude and insubordinate.

Me: Harriet has?

Nell: Yes. She says Mediation is boring and she wants to be on the Fighting team.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: She even ate part of the new sofa cushion.

Me: No?

Nell: In protest.

Me: That’s not like her at all.

Nell: It’s her age. She is rebelling.

Me: What are you going to do?

Nell: Her bed has been moved to the kitchen. No comfy sofas for her.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: David has asked for his bed to be moved too. I must commend him for his solidarity to his sister but Poppy just tripped over it carrying a pile of toast.

Me: I’m sure they will both calm down soon.

Nell: Did David just walk past with Gladys in my handbag?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Was she waving a flag?

Me: Yes.

Nell: With “Justice for Harriet” on it?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Followed by four welsh corgis singing “We shall overcome”?

Me: I’m afraid so. Sorry.

Me: Not Poppy’s Palace?

Nell: Yes. During negotiations a couple of Beefies gained entrance to the living room and tore Poppy’s Palace to pieces.

Me: That’s dreadful. She loved her den.

Nell: We know. Just when we thought we were making progress they do something like this.

Me: The villains. I didn’t hear anything and I was only upstairs.

Nell: Yes. Unfortunately you were writing so you wouldn’t have heard anything.

Me: How did it all go with Malcolm and Susan?

Nell: They both declared their love for one another. Not a dry eye in the house. Even Stephen Seagull shed a tear, although it was probably cocker spaniel tears.

Me: Don’t you mean crocodile tears?

Nell: No. What on earth have crocodiles got to do with anything? Everyone knows cockers can cry at the drop of a hat.

Me: I didn’t know that. So, has Stephen Seagull accepted Malcolm?

Nell: He seemed to at first but then he said he should be the one to walk Susan down the aisle.

Me: The cheek of it.

Nell: Yes. Well, Susan wasn’t having it. She was wearing her little grey cloak and bonnet but when she got up on the table she had the authority of a queen.

Me: Gosh. On the table. How daring.

Nell: She said Humphrey was the only father she had ever known and nobody else was going to take his place.

Me: Good for her. What did Stephen Seagull say?

Nell: “We shall see about that.” And then he left.

Me: I hope he got pelted with rock cakes.

Nell: Not exactly. There was a problem with the rock cakes.

Me: Why?

Nell: Gladys loves Marmite. Let’s just say she won’t be fitting into her fighting suit any time soon.

Me: Oh dear. Sorry.

Me: Dave looks awfully alert. Why is Mutley in Poppy’s palace?

Nell: He is having a break and David is keeping watch. He is very protective of Mutley. To be honest it can be a bit much and Mutley might well be hiding from him.

Me: It sounded like Charlie was amazing during negotiations yesterday. Calm but firm.

Nell: Yes. Even when Stephen Seagull threw a scone at him. He just caught the scone and said, “How kind. Pass me the jam and cream would you, old chap?”

Me: I wish I’d been there.

Nell: I’m not sure Humphrey is going to be able to keep his temper. He is such a stickler for good manners and that dreadful seagull simply doesn’t have any. He didn’t use his napkin once. How can you take someone seriously with jam on their beak?

Me: Yes. How uncouth. Have you made any progress?

Nell: Yes. We have suggested that Susan and Malcolm should be allowed to state their case and this has been accepted.

Me: Won’t that be awfully scary for them both?

Nell: They are willing. Shyness does not equal cowardice you know. However The Cat is making them sequinned bulletproof vests just in case.

Me: Are there guns then?

Nell: Of course, and sharp beaks. They will enter the independent man cave at 1500 hours with an owl escort and flanked by flamingos.

Me: Gosh. It’s going to be awfully full in there.

Nell: Count Bingo will have his net in place in case of outside attacks.

Me: His net?

Nell: For catching Beefies. Do keep up.

Me: I see. Silly me.

Nell: Fresh rock cakes have been made and dipped in Marmite. We are poised and ready.

Me: In Marmite? Why?

Nell: David hates it. Everyone knows that.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Me: Is the new chair comfortable? Only, you are looking rather serious this morning.

Nell: A confession was made during Morning Thoughts and I am a little disappointed.

Me: Oh dear. Is it a secret?

Nell: No. The culprit made a public confession.

Me: I have an awful feeling it might be Dave.

Nell: Why?

Me: He is hanging his head in shame and he refused breakfast.

Nell: Of course he did. He is full of rock cakes. He ate the first batch of ammunition.

Me: Oh dear. Maybe it was an accident.

Nell: I’m afraid it was planned. He has had his eye on those rock cakes since they were made. Anyway, you don’t accidentally eat something and definitely not six of them and you certainly don’t replace them with bought biscuits.

Me: Bought biscuits?

Nell: Yes. Unheard of in this house.

Me: At least he confessed. He could have kept it a secret.

Nell: The empty bowl said it all. Anyway, I can’t waste time talking to you. The first round of talks takes place at noon on neutral territory and I need to prepare.

Me: Where?

Nell: In Kev’s independent man cave at the top of the garden.

Me: That’s not neutral, Nell. When did the man cave become independent?

Nell: Since I told that buffoon Stephen Seagull it was. Silly creature believed me. Ron Gilbert has managed to find us a round table. He is very resourceful for a Great Dane.

Me: Can I sit at the table too?

Nell: Absolutely not. We will have Jonathan’s baby monitor, though. so you will hear everything.

Me: A round table. I suppose Charlie is King Arthur and you are his Guinevere. David would be Sir Launcelot if he hadn’t eaten the rock cakes.

Nell: Just keep to the facts, please. We are attempting to prevent a war between the Beefies and the Flamingos over a pair of star crossed lovers. It’s as simple as that.

Me: Of course. Silly me. Sorry.

Nell: Jonathan and I on the beach in the sun.

Me: Yes. With all these storms and sadness I thought you might like to remember that day.

Nell: Yes. Such a sparkling little fellow. I do miss him.

Me: We all do. So how was afternoon tea yesterday?

Nell: Delicious, but it wasn’t about the food you know? It was about strategy. I must say Humphrey is a delight. Quiet but with a sharp wit. I can see why he and Malcolm get on.

Me: Not like Stephen Seagull at all then?

Nell: No. Fortunately the Beefies aren’t that fond of storms so they are keeping away. We can enjoy our Sunday and Malcolm and Poppy can get on with the baking.

Me: More scones?

Nell: No. Rock cakes for the catapults.

Me: Catapults?

Nell: Yes. You know Timothy is very artistic? Not something you would expect from a turkey.

Me: Not really.

Nell: It turns out he is also rather good at making catapults. A few well aimed rock cakes should deter those hooligans.

Me: Good idea.

Nell: We have come up with a two pronged plan of attack. Fighting and Talking. Count Bingo and Owl Pacino are leading the fighting team with David and Gladys as back up. Poppy wanted to join them but she will be busy in the kitchen with Malcolm and Susan.

Me: Did you say Gladys?

Nell: Yes. She has an excellent aim and is fearless. Don’t let the long hair deceive you. The Cat has made her an incredible fighting suit with a sequinned hood. David is so jealous.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: Charlie and Humphrey will lead the Talking team with Harriet, Mutley and myself.

Me: Should Charlie be involved?

Nell: He is loving it. My philosophy is that life is for living. Charlie is not a cower in the corner kind of dog. Why should he change? If it means losing him earlier then so be it. Whatever makes him happy.

Me: That’s brave. What about me? Fighting, or Talking.

Nell: You are at your best Watching. From afar. You’re a writer not a fighter. Just accept it.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Dave seems awfully tired.

Nell: Yes. He did the night shift with Jim the Farm Dog. Charlie has drawn up a roster with Harriet. We need to be vigilant. There are Beefies everywhere.

Me: Why is Malcolm wearing a colander on his head?

Nell: We ordered some helmets online from Ham and Bone but they haven’t arrived yet so we are making do. It should have been next day delivery as we are Prime members.

Me: They are usually so reliable.

Nell: Yes. In the meantime Poppy is wearing a small saucepan.

Me: Why?

Nell: Beefies drop things. Nasty things. I would advise a hard hat if you are going out. The Cat found a mackerel on the top of its feathered Fedora so it has to be thrown away.

Me: The mackerel?

Nell: No, the Fedora. The mackerel was fresh but once you’ve got fish in your feathers you can’t get rid of the smell.

Me: Quite. How are Malcolm and Susan?

Nell: I’m afraid there was a slight falling out. Malcolm feels Susan might have mentioned that her father was the evil boss of a wicked gang of seagulls.

Me: He has a point.

Nell: Susan says Stephen Seagull is no father to her and Humphrey the heron is the only father she needs. He’s coming for afternoon tea, by the way. Count Bingo is collecting him and we think Owl Pacino will probably join us.

Me: I wondered why Poppy was baking so many scones.

Nell: It’s important that decisions are made.

Me: Yes. Personally, I always put jam on before the cream.

Nell: Not about scones, about the Beefies. Honestly, I despair of you sometimes.

Me: Sorry.