Keep to the facts

Me: Is the new chair comfortable? Only, you are looking rather serious this morning.

Nell: A confession was made during Morning Thoughts and I am a little disappointed.

Me: Oh dear. Is it a secret?

Nell: No. The culprit made a public confession.

Me: I have an awful feeling it might be Dave.

Nell: Why?

Me: He is hanging his head in shame and he refused breakfast.

Nell: Of course he did. He is full of rock cakes. He ate the first batch of ammunition.

Me: Oh dear. Maybe it was an accident.

Nell: I’m afraid it was planned. He has had his eye on those rock cakes since they were made. Anyway, you don’t accidentally eat something and definitely not six of them and you certainly don’t replace them with bought biscuits.

Me: Bought biscuits?

Nell: Yes. Unheard of in this house.

Me: At least he confessed. He could have kept it a secret.

Nell: The empty bowl said it all. Anyway, I can’t waste time talking to you. The first round of talks takes place at noon on neutral territory and I need to prepare.

Me: Where?

Nell: In Kev’s independent man cave at the top of the garden.

Me: That’s not neutral, Nell. When did the man cave become independent?

Nell: Since I told that buffoon Stephen Seagull it was. Silly creature believed me. Ron Gilbert has managed to find us a round table. He is very resourceful for a Great Dane.

Me: Can I sit at the table too?

Nell: Absolutely not. We will have Jonathan’s baby monitor, though. so you will hear everything.

Me: A round table. I suppose Charlie is King Arthur and you are his Guinevere. David would be Sir Launcelot if he hadn’t eaten the rock cakes.

Nell: Just keep to the facts, please. We are attempting to prevent a war between the Beefies and the Flamingos over a pair of star crossed lovers. It’s as simple as that.

Me: Of course. Silly me. Sorry.

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