Me: Poppy is a proper softy on the sly.

Nell: What are you talking about?

Me: You should see her having a special cuddle with Kev in the yellow chair. It’s not the Poppy we know.

Nell: Poppy has many sides to her. As do we all.

Me: True. I’m developing my strong side.

Nell: Really?

Me: Yes. Kev can’t do anything strenuous for the next 6 weeks so it’s all down to me.

Nell: With a little help from us all.

Me: Dave was awfully good on his walk. He kept close and didn’t pull. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: David knows how to behave. Sometimes.

Me: Is there any news on The Cat’s store card, by the way?

Nell: It seems The Cat is not the only one.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: My friend Dorothy has been banned from Starbarks.

Me: What did she do?

Nell: Ordered several blueberry muffins and a caramel frappuccino on her Starbarks card and left without paying.

Me: I didn’t know you could do that.

Nell: Yes, order on your iBone and pay on collection.

Me: Or not, as the case may be.

Nell: Quite. And Dorothy doesn’t even like caramel.

Me: Why did she order it?

Nell: She didn’t.

Me: Who collected them then?

Nell: A Beefy in a chauffeur’s cap. It said Dorothy would pay later.

Me: The cheek of it.

Nell: I know. As I said to Dorothy, ‘If I had a chauffeur, which I have done in the past, I certainly wouldn’t choose a Beefy.’

Me: Who would?

Nell: There are a couple of suspects.

Me: Yes. Someone who likes blueberry muffins, scotch eggs and caramel frappuccinos. It wasn’t Dave, was it?

Nell: Good grief. It’s not about the food. Who has a Beefy chauffeur?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: I know Mondays are a difficult day of the week but this is completely unacceptable.

Me: Are you talking about Dave and the mashed potato?

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: It was an easy mistake to make. He thought it was porridge.

Nell: Porridge?

Me: I mean he was surprised to see it going on top of a fish pie but Poppy can be adventurous now and again.

Nell: Fish pie?

Me: Yes. Poppy was making one for lunch and Dave thought he would help clean up but it went wrong.

Nell: How?

Me: It somehow got onto the end of his nose and Poppy was cross and said there might be no pie for him, just a sandwich, and not even a bacon one, just plain ham, or cheese.

Nell: Have you quite finished?

Me: Yes.

Nell: I was not talking about David. I was talking about The Cat.

Me: The Cat?

Nell: Didn’t you hear it screaming just now?

Me: I heard a little caterwauling. See what I did there? But I know how much The Cat hates Monday mornings and I thought it might have broken a nail.

Nell: This is much worse than that.

Me: What’s happened?

Nell: Barks and Spencer have confiscated The Cat’s store card.

Me: Oh no.

Nell: Apparently it has far exceeded its limit.

Me: The Cat loves a good splurge.

Nell: Not on scotch eggs.

Me: Scotch eggs?

Nell: Yes. The Cat has been ordering dozens of them on its card.

Me: Why? It doesn’t even like them.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: No wonder it’s furious. I remember ordering the wrong flavour crisps and I was so cross with myself.

Nell: The Cat didn’t order the scotch eggs. Someone else used its card. Do keep up.

Me: I see. Sorry.

Me: Nell, you have to come and see this.

Nell: It’s Sunday morning and I’ve just arranged all the cushions in exactly the right place.

Me: That’s cushion greed, if you ask me.

Nell: I didn’t.

Me: Stop being such a slugabed and come and see what Robin’s given me.

Nell: If you think I’m leaving my comfortable sofa to see a gift from your red breasted friend, you’re sorely mistaken.

Me: I don’t know why you’re so jealous of my friendship with Robin.

Nell: Every morning I have to listen to you wandering around the front garden calling ‘Rob, Rob’ like a lovesick teenager.

Me: I just want him to know I’ve replenished his food and refreshed his bath.

Nell: Good grief. Just tell me what it is.

Me: A heart shaped leaf. It was waiting for me by the front gate.

Nell: So, Robin wasn’t actually holding it in his beak?

Me: No.

Nell: How do you know it’s for you? It could be for anyone.

Me: As soon as I picked it up, Rob came flying over and started singing, which wasn’t easy as the sheep are practising for Sunday Songs.

Nell: They’re not singing with the choir again, are they?

Me: I’m afraid so.

Nell: Let me see it.

Me: Look at the perfect heart shape.

Nell: You do realise someone has eaten bits of it?

Me: Yes. How clever is that?

Nell: I’m sorry to tell you but that leaf looks more like the work of an insect than a bird.

Me: Nonsense.

Nell: In fact I would say it is more likely to be a present for Henry, or Horst.

Me: Really?

Nell: They are superstars in the insect world you know. They even have an official fan club

Me: I didn’t know. Sorry.

Me: You’re very beautiful, Nell. Have I told you that before?

Nell: You might have done.

Me: I could stare into your eyes for hours.

Nell: Please don’t.

Me: Talking of staring into eyes, I had an interesting thought about the scotch eggs.

Nell: Here we go. I know I’m going to regret asking this, but what have scotch eggs got to do with staring into eyes?

Me: Do you think there might be a bit of hypnotism going on again?

Nell: You don’t seriously believe Kev has been hypnotised by a scotch egg, do you?

Me: No. That would be silly.

Nell: Good, because that’s far fetched even for you.

Me: Scotch eggs can’t talk and they don’t have eyes.

Nell: So, what are you talking about?

Me: It just reminds me of when everyone started talking Swedish and you were nice.

Nell: I’m always nice.

Me: You aren’t, Nell. Don’t you remember? You called me ‘my dear’, or something similar, and you agreed with me. It was scary.

Nell: Well, I’m not agreeing with you now.

Me: Where are the scotch eggs coming from?

Nell: Barks and Spencer.

Me: Who is delivering them?

Nell: I don’t know. They just appear. My friend Dorothy found one in the fruit bowl.

Me: How odd.

Nell: Yes. She thought it was a kiwi at first.

Me: I don’t think New Zealanders are allowed to travel yet.

Nell: I was talking about the fruit. And actually New Zealand is about to open its borders again.

Me: Really?

Nell: Anyway, if it is hypnotism it doesn’t last very long. David had a bacon sandwich for breakfast and gave his kipper to Malcolm.

Me: What a generous Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: And Kev hasn’t laughed like a seagull for days.

Me: True. Sorry.

Me: Do you know if the puppies have been drinking espresso?

Nell: Here we go. Why?

Me: It’s just that I was taking a photo of Poppy looking after Kev on the yellow chair.

Nell: And?

Me: And come to think of it, Poppy was remarkably chilled. Not her usual wild self at all. Sort of serene and Siamese.

Nell: Siamese? She’s not a cat.

Me: No, but she was all delicate paws and aloofness.

Nell: Poppy is on duty today. She has to be serene. She knows Kev needs quiet.

Me: Oh, well she definitely hadn’t been on the espresso.

Nell: What about the puppies?

Me: The next thing I knew, Harriet rushed in and jumped up on the sofa with a fierce growl.

Nell: That’s not like Harriet at all.

Me: Followed by Dave who sat down in a nonchalant way with a huge carrot hanging out of his mouth like a Cuban cigar.

Nell: Are you sure you haven’t been drinking espresso?

Me: No. It’s peppermint tea for me in the morning.

Nell: David is allowed a carrot now and again.

Me: This one was really huge, Nell. He could almost have used it to play cricket with the llamas.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: In fact it probably wouldn’t have splattered the scotch egg like their bats are.

Nell: What has a scotch egg got to do with cricket?

Me: Gladys is using scotch eggs instead of a ball.

Nell: Why on earth would she do that?

Me: She says it really helps the llamas to focus on their fielding.

Nell: I’ve heard everything now.

Me: If they catch it they can eat it.

Nell: Would you bring me a cup of Earl Grey and a cold flannel please? My head hurts.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: You and Harriet look awfully serious.

Nell: We are discussing scotch eggs, if you must know.

Me: Harriet needs to let it go. It was only one egg and it was a mistake.

Nell: She has.

Me: What’s the problem then?

Nell: Do you know if Barks and Spencer deliver?

Me: Not around here, unfortunately. We live too far away.

Nell: Well, that’s rather troubling.

Me: Yes, it’s a great shame.

Nell: Have you noticed anything odd about David?

Me: No.

Nell: He asked for mackerel yesterday evening.

Me: Did he?

Nell: Yes, and this morning he had kippers for breakfast.

Me: I didn’t know kippers were an option.

Nell: That’s not the point. David never has kippers for breakfast.

Me: No.

Nell: Or mackerel for tea.

Me: True.

Nell: And that’s not all.

Me: It isn’t?

Nell: You’re not going to believe this.

Me: I just might.

Nell: Kev laughed like a seagull yesterday evening.

Me: Did he? How lovely. I’m so glad.

Nell: Didn’t you hear what I said?

Me: Yes. Kev laughed.

Nell: Like a seagull.

Me: Don’t be silly, Nell. People laugh like a drain not a seagull.

Nell: Why bring drains into this? We are talking about seagulls.

Me: His throat is a little sore after the operation. The doctors said it might be.

Nell: It wasn’t his usual deep voice. It was screechy. Both David and Kev are not being themselves.

Me: I don’t really know what Dave eating fish has to do with Kev sounding like a seagull.

Nell: I do.

Me: What?

Nell: Scotch eggs.

Me: You’d better keep an eye on the llamas then. Because when I last saw them they were all eating scotch eggs in the field.

Nell: Why didn’t you stop them?

Me: I didn’t know. Sorry.

Me: Harriet seems extremely focused.

Nell: All food is meant to be shared and tested.

Me: I’m not so sure about that.

Nell: Kev ate a whole scotch egg.

Me: Good. I’m glad he’s got his appetite back.

Nell: It wasn’t one of Poppy’s.

Me: Are you sure? It must have been.

Nell: Kev says it came from Barks and Spencer.

Me: He loves those. They are his favourites. Don’t tell Poppy I said that.

Nell: How did he get it? He hasn’t been out of the house.

Me: True. I wonder who got it for him.

Nell: Exactly. What if it was a Beefy?

Me: Kev would never ask a Beefy to do his shopping.

Nell: What if the Beefy offered?

Me: Most unlikely, but possible I suppose.

Nell: What if the Beefy said it got the scotch eggs from Barks, but in reality it just picked up some out of date ones from a bin?

Me: You can tell the difference, Nell.

Nell: Yes, and that’s why Harriet was supposed to try it.

Me: Kev can tell the difference.

Nell: Can he though, in his present weakened state?

Me: It’s funny he only had one, because the scotch eggs are usually in packs of two and he always shares the second one.

Nell: David had the other one.

Me: Well then. It’s been shared and tested.

Nell: But David isn’t on testing duty today. Harriet is.

Me: It will be an honest mistake. You know how my darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy loves to help. Did you ask him about it?

Nell: Yes.

Me: What did he say?

Nell: ‘What scotch egg?’

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: David had completely forgotten he’d eaten it.

Me: Yes. You all do that.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: It’s true. Sorry.

Me: I know you’re tired. Why don’t you sleep?

Nell: I’m fine.

Me: You can’t watch over Kev all the time, Nell. You need to switch off.

Nell: I am the Chief Protector.

Me: Dave is watching over him as well.

Nell: David is clearly sleeping. I can hear him snoring.

Me: The last week has been tiring for everyone. Just relax now and I will take over.

Nell: You?

Me: Yes. I’m writing anyway.

Nell: You never notice anyone, or anything when you’re writing. We all know that.

Me: Don’t exaggerate.

Nell: How many cold cups of tea has poor Kev had to carry downstairs in the days when he could still walk?

Me: What do you mean ‘poor Kev’? And he can still walk, Nell. He’s even allowed to drive from today.

Nell: Drive? Certainly not. Out of the question.

Me: In fact we thought we might take you all to the Dog and Dash activity field this afternoon.

Nell: Did you?

Me: Yes. Kev can sit and watch while I walk you all round.

Nell: We can walk ourselves round.

Me: I’ll go with you.

Nell: Well, that would make a nice change.

Me: Yes. We all need some fresh air.

Nell: David and Harriet are certainly in need of a good run. They have far too much energy.

Me: Talking of energy, I didn’t know the llamas played cricket.

Nell: Oh yes. County players.

Me: Gladys is an amazing bowler.

Nell: She’s one of the best.

Me: I’m surprised anyone manages to hit those balls. I would be terrified.

Nell: You obviously haven’t seen Poppy play.

Me: Is Poppy a cricketer too?

Nell: Poppy is probably the best batsdog in the whole animal league. Fearless and fast with an amazing swing.

Me: I didn’t know. Sorry.