Nell: I can’t begin to tell you my horror when Poppy and Gladys jumped out of the cake dressed as Father Christmas.

Me: Was The Queen startled?

Nell: Her Majesty has excellent manners and concealed it well.

Me: Were they taken to the tower?

Nell: No. The Queen was actually rather amused.

Me: There you are then.

Nell: It was outrageous behaviour. I should have guessed something was wrong when I heard the sawing during tea.

Me: Sawing?

Nell: I thought it was David at first. He’s an awfully loud chewer and the ham was quite thickly cut.

Me: What happened?

Nell: Poppy had trouble lifting the lid of the cake box so she used her sword to cut her way out.

Me: Lucky she had her sword with her.

Nell: She always does.

Me: I’m surprised they managed to stay in the box for such a long journey.

Nell: They had a whole picnic of their own in there, along with a lemon drizzle cake that had seen better days although The Queen liked it.

Me: Did they join you for tea?

Nell: Yes. Poppy sat next to The Queen and Gladys danced while David sang ‘We wish you a Merry Christmas.’

Me: Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy saving the day.

Nell: He needed to after the boiled eggs incident.

Me: I knew there would be eggs.

Nell: There wouldn’t have been eggs if David hadn’t asked for them.

Me: What happened?

Nell: The Queen asked him if he was enjoying his tea and he said he would love a boiled egg if she had any going.

Me: Was she shocked?

Nell: Not at all. She said she wouldn’t mind one too.

Me: You couldn’t make it up.

Nell: I think we both know you could.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Is the hat too much?

Me: Not at all. It really suits you and I love the feathers.

Nell: The Cat insisted. Said it needed livening up.

Me: The Cat has such an eye for detail.

Nell: I said no to the sequins. One doesn’t want to glitter at afternoon tea.

Me: I suppose not. Although my writer friend Anne glittered wonderfully at lunch the other day.

Nell: Well, I wouldn’t know, not being allowed in the dining room.

Me: Are the others all suited and booted?

Nell: Nobody is wearing boots. We are packing slippers, however, in case The Queen is worried about dirty paws.

Me: I don’t think the royal corgis wear slippers.

Nell: Best to be on the safe side.

Me: True. Have you seen the cake yet?

Nell: No, it’s waiting by the door in an enormous box. I hope it fits into the Bentley.

Me: Maybe it can ride on the front seat?

Nell: That’s actually a rather good idea. Why it has to be so ridiculously large is quite beyond me.

Me: Poppy does everything with panache.

Nell: David has offered to carry it in to The Queen.

Me: I’m not sure that’s a good idea, Nell. It might not get there in one piece. Or there might only be one piece left.

Nell: I completely agree. We will ask a footman.

Me: Yes, there are sure to be loads of them kicking around.

Nell: Kicking around? This is Windsor Castle not Wembley Stadium.

Me: You know what I mean. Make sure you take lots of photos on your iBone and text me. I shall be waiting for news.

Nell: I’m not sure iBones will be allowed and I’m certainly not texting during tea. Manners maketh the mammal.

Me: Yes, of course. Sorry.

Me: There’s some sort of chinwag going on upstairs on my bed.

Nell: What are you talking about?

Me: Dave, Harriet and Poppy are having a Deep and Meaningful Chat.

Nell: I doubt it. Chats are light discussions. They’re never Deep or Meaningful. They’re probably discussing the picnic.

Me: What picnic? This isn’t picnic weather.

Nell: The one for our journey to Windsor Castle tomorrow.

Me: You’re having a full afternoon tea.

Nell: We’re being collected at 11am and we won’t arrive until gone 3pm so we’ll definitely need lunch.

Me: You could stop off somewhere for lunch I suppose.

Nell: And risk being late? No. A picnic is a much better idea. A few quiches, some soup in a flask and a lemon tart for dessert with a little clotted cream should do the trick.

Me: Are you sure you want to be eating soup and clotted cream in The Queen’s car?

Nell: Good point. We don’t want David getting it on his tie.

Me: I didn’t know Dave was wearing a tie.

Nell: Of course he is. You can’t have tea with The Queen without wearing a tie.

Me: Are you wearing a tie then?

Nell: Certainly not. Harriet and I are wearing our pearls.

Me: Yes. Silly me. Has Poppy finished decorating the cake?

Nell: She has but we’re not allowed to see it. She says she wants it to be a surprise.

Me: That sounds worrying. Are Henry and Horst wearing ties?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Won’t they get in their way? I mean they are very low on the ground if you know what I mean.

Nell: Firstly, Henry and Horst won’t be on the ground. They will be on David’s top hat. And secondly they are wearing bow ties. Do keep up.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: David’s top hat is perfect but I’m not at all sure about Harriet’s.

Me: Neither am I. The shape is all wrong on her. What was The Cat thinking?

Nell: I don’t know. It seemed rather distracted. Something about a lion in the orchard. Made no sense to me.

Me: Couldn’t Harriet wear her tiara?

Nell: Tiaras aren’t suitable for afternoon tea. Even with The Queen.

Me: I suppose not.

Nell: If we were having cocktails we might consider it.

Me: Maybe you are. The Queen might fancy a Cosmopolitan.

Nell: If The Queen was having anything it would be a small sherry. Richly deserved.

Me: She might want something different.

Nell: Nonsense. It will be delicate cups of Earl Grey tea accompanied by finger sandwiches, crusts off, scones, small iced cakes and perhaps a slice of Poppy’s cake if Her Majesty feels so inclined.

Me: What is Poppy’s cake?

Nell: No idea. She is keeping it a secret. It’s extremely large. That much I do know.

Me: Several tiers I expect.

Nell: Oceans of them from Gladys when she heard she isn’t coming with us.

Me: I was talking about layers of cake.

Nell: And I was talking about Gladys. Why bring cake into it?

Me: Never mind.

Nell: Why are you wearing a dress by the way? It’s Wednesday.

Me: It’s my Wednesday Writers’ Christmas Lunch.

Nell: That’s nice. Where are you going?

Me: The Cottage Hotel in Hope Cove.

Nell: Excellent. I’ll fetch my hat.

Me: I’m afraid it’s no dogs in the dining room.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: I don’t make the rules.

Nell: So, I’m not allowed in the dining room but I am allowed to take tea with The Queen at Windsor Castle?

Me: Yes. It’s a funny old world. Sorry.

Me: The weather is not particularly inviting today, is it?

Nell: It’s positively uninviting.

Me: Fortunately we’re not going out until lunchtime.

Nell: You’re not going anywhere. I heard you coughing in the night.

Me: I have regular coughing fits since catching Covid in July. There’s nothing to worry about. It passes.

Nell: Poppy is making you hot tea with lemon and ginger. Make sure you drink it all.

Me: I rather fancied a black coffee.

Nell: A black coffee?

Me: Yes.

Nell: You’ll be asking for a croissant next.

Me: That would be lovely.

Nell: No chance. Poppy is far too busy making a cake for The Queen.

Me: When are you going?

Nell: Friday. The car will be here around 11am.

Me: How exciting.

Nell: Yes. The Cat is coming over this afternoon with a selection of hats for everyone.

Me: Everyone? I thought it was just you, Dave and Harriet.

Nell: It is. And Henry and Horst.

Me: Does The Queen know about Henry and Horst?

Nell: Of course The Queen knows. You don’t just turn up to afternoon tea at Windsor Castle hoping to get a table for six.

Me: I just wondered if Her Majesty had ever entertained a woodlouse before.

Nell: This will be a first for her, as it happens. However, once I gave her their back story and we sent over their CVs, all was well.

Me: Henry and Horst have resumes?

Nell: You don’t think Sally would have hired them without one, do you?

Me: I didn’t know Sally had hired them.

Nell: Forget I just said that.

Me: So Henry and Horst are now officially spies? They’ll need trench coats and sunglasses.

Nell: They already have trench coats and nobody wears sunglasses in this weather. Do keep up.

Me: Sorry.

Me: Did you like your antlers?

Nell: You only got three.

Me: I didn’t think Poppy would want one.

Nell: Poppy took two so David has none.

Me: It’s the thought that counts.

Nell: Not really. So, how was your book signing?

Me: The Christmas market was lovely and I met some interesting people. Not everyone wanted to buy a book, but that’s life.

Nell: Why not?

Me: I’d rather not say.

Nell: You are definitely going to have to say now.

Me: Well, one lady considered it, and even looked at the photos, but then she closed the book and said, ‘I have a setter’ and smiled and left.

Nell: A setter?

Me: Yes. I think there just must have been too many Labradors for her liking.

Nell: Too many Labradors?

Me: If your friend Dorothy the Salcombe Setter had been on the cover she might have bought it.

Nell: Dorothy couldn’t write a book if she tried.

Me: I know that and you know that.

Nell: I don’t have to fall down a rabbit hole to enjoy ‘Alice in Wonderland’.

Me: Well, you sort of do in a way, to be honest. You have to be prepared to wonder.

Nell: Yes, you’re right and some people simply aren’t.

Me: No.

Nell: Talking of wondering, I was wondering if you wanted your second boiled egg.

Me: No, thank you. One is plenty for me.

Nell: I might have it then as David ate mine by mistake.

Me: I hope he doesn’t eat The Queen’s boiled egg when you visit her.

Nell: The Queen won’t be eating boiled eggs in the afternoon.

Me: She might fancy one.

Nell: Boiled eggs are for breakfast, or nursery tea. If you had said scotch eggs, however, I might have agreed.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Harriet and Beauregard won! I’m delighted for them.

Nell: Calm down. The Daily Growl will be here soon and Harriet is practising looking regal.

Me: The new Queen of the Ballroom.

Nell: Deservedly so. She danced beautifully.

Me: Where is Beauregard?

Nell: In the garden playing Cheeky Animals with Henry and Horst.

Me: Do Henry and Horst have tongues?

Nell: No, but that won’t stop them. Nothing does.

Me: Isn’t the whole game based on secretly sticking out your tongue?

Nell: And catching your opponents when they do. Henry and Horst are excellent catchers. Anyway, shouldn’t you be getting ready? You’ve got a book signing to attend.

Me: I know. I’m a bit nervous to be honest.

Nell: Why?

Me: I’m actually quite shy, Nell.

Nell: Kev will be with you. There’s nothing to worry about.

Me: I wish you were with me.

Nell: I know you do but there’s nothing to be done.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: Besides I’m needed here. Gladys is in floods of tears and Count Bingo has shut himself in the tree house and won’t come down.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: They’ll perk up as soon as Sunday Songs start. The llamas have managed to organise trampolines and the Welsh corgi choir are singing show tunes.

Me: Oh good. I don’t like to think of them being sad.

Nell: It’s nothing a good bounce and a Sunday roast won’t cure.

Me: Would you ask Poppy to save some for me and Kev? We’ll be hungry when we get back.

Nell: I very much doubt it. Poppy has made you a picnic. Mini quiches, sandwiches, scones, cake, mince pies and a flask of tea.

Me: How kind of her.

Nell: She loves you. We all do. Now, go and sell some books.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: It was awfully wet in the Dog and Dash Activity Field, wasn’t it?

Nell: Poppy loves nothing more than a really good dash.

Me: And Davey loves Harriet. He barely left her side.

Nell: Don’t call him Davey, please. He’s a grown Labrador.

Me: Sally calls him Davey.

Nell: Sally is his girlfriend. She’s allowed.

Me: Is that why Knitwear Wolf is allowed to call you Nelly?

Nell: What Rupert chooses to call me is none of your business.

Me: Just saying.

Nell: Well, don’t. Are you all set for the Christmas market tomorrow?

Me: Yes. The publishers sent me a box of books and I have a few calendars.

Nell: You need to get the calendars in our online shop.

Me: Yes, I know but I’m not exactly sure how you do it.

Nell: Well, go on YouChewed. There’s a video for everything on there.

Me: Yes. How is everyone feeling about tonight’s Strictly final?

Nell: Gladys and Count Bingo Flamingo can’t wait. Apparently they are going all out to impress.

Me: Knowing Gladys I’m expecting a real extravaganza.

Nell: There is certainly going to be a flamboyance of flamingos.

Me: What about Harriet and Beauregard?

Nell: Top hats and tails.

Me: Perfect. Will the Whippets Institute Big Band be performing?

Nell: Yes, and David will be singing with the Welsh corgi choir.

Me: What about the llamas? Will they be dancing?

Nell: The llamas are always dancing. My friend Dorothy found them cartwheeling down the aisles at Barks and Spencer.

Me: Was that wise?

Nell: No. As Dorothy pointed out, you might expect it at Walbark as they have plenty of room but Barks is a different matter.

Me: I’m not sure I could cartwheel anymore.

Nell: Something for which I am extremely thankful.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: David is deeply concerned about Harriet.

Me: Why?

Nell: She’s become over attached to Beauregard and waits for him every morning.

Me: That’s because they’re dancing together. It’ll stop after the final tomorrow.

Nell: Jim the Farm Dog doesn’t like it at all.

Me: If Jim is worried he can always have a quick word in Beauregard’s ear.

Nell: Tigers don’t like anyone whispering in their ears.

Me: Really?

Nell: It’s a well known fact. Never whisper in a tiger’s ear. It will end in disaster.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: Many an animal has regretted it deeply.

Me: I expect they have.

Nell: Although Oliver could probably whisper in his ear if necessary and Henry and Horst do it all the time.

Me: Maybe they could tell him about Harriet.

Nell: No. Best let sleeping tigers lie.

Me: You’d better warn Dave too.

Nell: I will. He’s very protective of his sister you know.

Me: Bless him. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: He doesn’t want her visiting The Queen with me alone.

Me: Why ever not?

Nell: He thinks we need escorting and he is just the Labrador for the job.

Me: He’s absolutely right. The Queen would love him and he would look so handsome in a top hat.

Nell: Yes, but can he be trusted? We are talking about afternoon tea here. Finger sandwiches, scones and tiny little cakes with the royal coat of arms iced on the top of them.

Me: You don’t know that. They might not have anything iced on the top of them at all.

Nell: That’s not the point. The mistakes that could be made are endless.

Me: And will The Queen want three Labradors to tea when she’s only expecting one?

Nell: You can never have enough Labradors.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Don’t look at me like that, Nell. There’s nothing I can do.

Nell: You’re going to your first book signing on Sunday without me.

Me: Dogs aren’t allowed in the village hall and I can’t leave you outside for hours and hours.

Nell: Sign the books outside then.

Me: It’s a Christmas Market for dog people and the tables are all inside.

Nell: Dog people with no dogs?

Me: Some of them might leave the dogs in the car but I don’t want to do that.

Nell: Selfish.

Me: You don’t even like socialising.

Nell: That depends. I have an invitation to tea at Windsor Castle from The Queen, by the way.

Me: Really?

Nell: The Queen likes to keep an eye on all of her royal corgis, good or bad, and she heard Lady Anwen had been released.

Me: Couldn’t you just chat about it on the iBone or zoom each other?

Nell: The Queen prefers face to face discussions wherever possible.

Me: How are you getting there?

Nell: She’s sending a car.

Me: When are you going?

Nell: Next week. I told her I can’t get away until after the final of Strictly and she quite understood.

Me: That was kind of her.

Nell: She watches it on television, you know. She says the royal corgis are simply glued to the screen every week.

Me: How lovely.

Nell: Yes, if Harriet wins I might ask if I can take her with me.

Me: What if Gladys wins?

Nell: I’m afraid Gladys is a little too wild for The Queen. We don’t want her swinging from the chandeliers. You know what she’s like.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Harriet is nice and quiet.

Me: Unless she sees the sea.

Nell: Windsor Castle is nowhere near the sea.

Me: No. Sorry.