Nell: David doesn’t fully understand the concept of Cheeky Animals. The idea is to secretly stick your tongue out, not blatantly lick your opponent.

Me: He can’t help himself. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: He wasn’t supposed to be playing with Chris. His task today was to keep an eye on Poppy.

Me: She does seem a little down.

Nell: It’s after yesterday’s dance off.

Me: What a shock.

Nell: She didn’t deserve to be in the bottom two but with a partner like Stephen Seagull it’s to be expected.

Me: The public don’t like him.

Nell: Who does, apart from Lionel King?

Me: And an awful lot of Beefies, judging by the screaming when the results were announced.

Nell: Well, they’d better get on their iBones and vote next time, or he will be in the dance off again.

Me: Poor Dorothy and the Portuguese Podenco.

Nell: I was very sorry to have to lose them so early but Dorothy simply made too many mistakes. She’s awfully stiff for a Salcombe Setter.

Me: And Stephen is actually quite a good dancer.

Nell: Yes, the pirate outfits helped, of course. Clever costuming by The Cat.

Me: He can jump quite high, can’t he?

Nell: I think Poppy’s sword had something to do with that.

Me: Do you think she is going to get her sword into all the dances?

Nell: Yes, or some kind of weapon.

Me: Well, I hope she gets some rest today.

Nell: Yes, dancing with a villain is exhausting. Malcolm and Manuel have taken over the kitchen to give her a break.

Me: Malcolm seems to have embraced the whole dancing thing. Did you notice his sequinned apron?

Nell: The one with ‘Marvellous Malc’ written on it? I couldn’t exactly miss it.

Me: No. Sorry.

Nell: What do you want now?

Me: I thought we could go through yesterday’s performance.

Nell: It’s Sunday morning. I’m resting.

Me: I can’t wait to hear what you think.

Nell: I don’t think Princess should be allowed on the judging panel. Who gives a 10 to everyone?

Me: She enjoyed it all.

Nell: As for that lion. Giving a 2 to Rupert and Myfanwy? You do realise that means they might be in the dance off?

Me: You only gave them a 4, Nell.

Nell: Myfanwy needs to work on her feet.

Me: What about Alejandro and Malcolm? Weren’t they a revelation?

Nell: You could say that.

Me: Riding around on the back of an alpaca on one leg can’t be easy.

Nell: It’s nothing to a flamingo. Look at Count Bingo on that trampoline.

Me: He certainly brought the house down. Gladys swinging upside down from a trapeze with a rose in her teeth was inspired.

Nell: It was not a traditional American Smooth. I had to mark it down.

Me: The other judges loved it.

Nell: Lionel King certainly favoured Stephen Seagull. Much as I admire Poppy’s choreography that was not worthy of an 8.

Me: It was wonderfully fierce though.

Nell: I was pleasantly surprised by David and Rhubarb. Their coats were beautifully smooth and the cowboy boots were a nice touch.

Me: So who’s at risk of being in the dance off tonight?

Nell: I’m afraid Dorothy was a little wooden and Susan is rather reserved but the public will decide.

Me: Kev was an amazing presenter with Henry and Horst on his shoulders like two sparkling epaulettes.

Nell: I couldn’t hear a word they said.

Me: I could hear vague rustling.

Nell: That was just David eating a bag of crisps.

Me: Oh. Sorry.

Me: It’s amazing how the opening of a refrigerator door can wake even the sleepiest of dogs.

Nell: One must always be alert to the possibility of bacon.

Me: Dave certainly is.

Nell: David has been rehearsing all morning with Rhubarb in the garden. He’s entitled to be hopeful.

Me: Is that why he’s got dried grass under his chin?

Nell: Dried grass never made anyone hopeful. What nonsense.

Me: Never mind. Poppy mentioned quiche and salad for lunch.

Nell: I think David was hoping for something less French and more American.

Me: I’m sure Poppy can rustle up a hot dog, or two, especially after all this rehearsing. See what I did there?

Nell: Very droll. Now, do you think my tiara will be too much for tonight’s competition?

Me: No. I think it’s just right. It sets the tone. You are the head judge when all is said and done.

Nell: Yes, that’s exactly what The Cat said.

Me: Are there any favourites to win?

Nell: Gladys and Count Bingo Flamingo are going to be hard to beat if only for their sheer exuberance. I’m not so sure about the trampoline though.

Me: Trampoline?

Nell: Yes. Several couples will be making use of it I believe.

Me: I’m not sure a trampoline is allowed in the American Smooth.

Nell: How else are they going to reach the trapeze?

Me: Gosh.

Nell: Babycakes Gillespie has an obvious advantage.

Me: Because he’s a pug and he’s American?

Nell: No. He’s used to juggling bagels.

Me: I see.

Nell: Can you let me know when the Whippets Institute minibus arrives?

Me: Are they dancing too?

Nell: Certainly not. The Whippets Institute Big Band will be accompanying the dancing along with the Welsh corgi choir. Do keep up.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Me: I saw you playing Cheeky Animals.

Nell: Nonsense. Kev and I were showing Chris the river.

Me: You were awfully brave to go in. It was quite wild.

Nell: Yes, I know.

Me: Were you trying to impress Chris?

Nell: No, I was merely enjoying the clear coolness of the water. Are you going to tell everyone what happened after our walk?

Me: I wasn’t going to actually.

Nell: How we were driving away from a pleasant walk when you squealed that you had lost your phone.

Me: It wasn’t in my pocket.

Nell: And how Kev and Chris had to retrack all of our steps along the walk.

Me: Yes.

Nell: And even engaged the help of a couple of elderly lurchers.

Me: I think the lurchers were more than happy to help.

Nell: Never mind that. Tell everyone what happened next.

Me: They couldn’t find it on the walk.

Nell: So?

Me: So Kev put his hand down the side of my seat in the car and there it was.

Nell: Exactly where you should have looked first.

Me: I thought I did. At least Kev and Chris got another walk.

Nell: I’m not sure they would see it that way.

Me: They were both very kind and so were the lurchers so all’s well that ends well.

Nell: As if we don’t have enough excitement at the moment with Strictly starting tomorrow.

Me: Someone made an interesting comment about your impartiality as a judge.

Nell: Did they now?

Me: Will you be able to judge Rupert and Myfanwy fairly? Or will your dislike of Myfanwy, or affection for Rupert, cloud your judgement?

Nell: Nothing will cloud my judgement and as far as my affections are concerned it is nobody’s business but my own.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: You were the first one to hear his train coming.

Nell: I was on high alert.

Me: We all watched it pulling into the station.

Nell: We did.

Me: Desperately trying to catch a glimpse of Chris in the window of the train.

Nell: Yes.

Me: And then finally there he was. Standing on the platform with his arms outstretched. My darling son. And I was hugging him again. Just as I had imagined over and over during the last 18 months.

Nell: It was an emotional moment.

Me: It was wonderful. I’m in tears thinking about it.

Nell: I’m glad I packed those extra handkerchiefs.

Me: So am I.

Nell: Poppy and the Puppies were completely out of control when Chris walked through the door.

Me: Yes, they were. Harriet actually squealed with joy. And Dave simply threw himself at him.

Nell: With a great deal of force. He nearly knocked Chris over.

Me: He didn’t mind. Dave is an emotional sort of animal. He loves giving cuddles.

Nell: He still hasn’t stopped. He actually held on to Chris with his paws to make sure he wasn’t going anywhere.

Me: I know. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: It was a very happy homecoming.

Me: Yes, sitting drinking tea and chatting to Chris with Kev and you all around us is my idea of pure happiness.

Nell: Now, it’s a rainy sort of day today so Poppy has decided there will be two breakfasts.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: Cereal and toast first thing and a large fry up with absolutely everything later.

Me: Does that mean sausages as well as bacon?

Nell: What do you think?

Me: I think Dave is going to be very happy.

Nell: I think we are all very happy.

Me: Yes, we are. Sorry.

Nell: Were you tracking Chris’s flight all night?

Me: Not all night.

Nell: So where is he now?

Me: He landed just after 6am and now he’s on the train. I’m so excited. I couldn’t have slept anyway.

Nell: You do realise Poppy and the puppies expect him at any moment.

Me: I know. Look at them sitting by the window. The darling things.

Nell: It will be a few hours before we can collect him from the station. They can’t sit there all that time.

Me: I tried to explain that to them but they don’t believe me.

Nell: They’ll soon move when Manuel starts tossing pancakes.

Me: How’s he getting on with Rita Pawreno?

Nell: Really well, she’s an excellent teacher. I’m afraid the same can’t be said for the Portuguese Podenco. He’s rather lacking in the necessary oomph.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: My friend Dorothy thinks he might be missing the sun.

Me: It’s been a bit rainy recently but I think we are due a few sunny days.

Nell: It’s not Portuguese sun though, is it?

Me: Maybe Malcolm could make him a few custard tarts? The Portuguese love them. Or we could find some salt cod?

Nell: Salt cod? Malcolm hasn’t got time for tarts. He’s far too busy practising lifts with Alejandro.

Me: Gosh. Dave is going to have his paws full lifting Rhubarb. I’m talking Bernese Mountain Dogs here, not fruit.

Nell: I guessed. Now, we both know there will be tears when Chris arrives.

Me: Yes. I feel teary even thinking about it.

Nell: I’ve put a few extra handkerchiefs in my handbag so we know we are covered.

Me: We? Do you think you will be teary too?

Nell: It’s Chris. We are all going to be teary.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Wasn’t it exciting when Kev and Harriet found a rainbow? You could see all the colours, even the purple.

Nell: They didn’t find it. It found them. Rainbows do as they please. Kev was particularly excited, however, and his dance moves are definitely improving.

Me: Well, I always see rainbows as a good sign. There’s something magical about them.

Nell: A splash of colour on a grey day is always welcome.

Me: Maybe we will find a pot of gold at the end.

Nell: I wouldn’t hold your breath.

Me: Stop being so cynical. You never know.

Nell: I think I do. Now, is Chris’s room ready? He flies tonight.

Me: It will be. Just a few finishing touches.

Nell: I’m glad you are having your hair done this afternoon. It will make you feel good.

Me: I want to look my best for Chris.

Nell: Chris won’t care how you look.

Me: I can’t believe I am finally going to see him again. It’s been so long.

Nell: Well, you are and please don’t track his flight through the night.

Me: I might have to.

Nell: Talking of hair, what do you think about David’s?

Me: Lovely and smooth.

Nell: Yes, although not very American.

Me: Did I see Poppy with her sword?

Nell: Yes, she’s rehearsing with Stephen Seagull later so she needs to be prepared.

Me: I thought I might post a list of contestants and judges on our Conversations with Nell page so people know what’s going on.

Nell: Good idea.

Me: I think the rainbow is a sign that things are going to get better, Nell. That good times are ahead.

Nell: I think you might be right.

Me: Only one more sleep.

Nell: So make sure you get some rest.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Would you mind wearing this hat while you stroke Harriet and Poppy, please?

Me: It’s very stripy and starry.

Nell: It’s American. Kev is wearing his.

Me: What’s going on?

Nell: I hope Babycakes Gillespie ordered doughnuts. Bagels aren’t going to be enough this week.

Me: Why?

Nell: We have lots of ice cream but no jelly.

Me: I haven’t eaten jelly and ice cream since I was a child.

Nell: The jelly goes with peanut butter in a sandwich.

Me: You mean jam. The Americans call it jelly.

Nell: That makes more sense. Or does it? Have you ever eaten cornbread?

Me: I might have done. Why is Kev outside in a sparkly top hat stroking Dave and drinking coffee?

Nell: They’re in training.

Me: For what?

Nell: Strictly. The competition starts on Saturday.

Me: I don’t think sitting around having your fur stroked by Kev in a hat is training.

Nell: We couldn’t find any Americans. Babycakes Gillespie is doing his best and Rupert and Monty are involved as Canadians are North Americans.

Me: I thought I was supposed to be the crazy one.

Nell: I suppose Chris could help from Wednesday. I mean he is an honorary Canadian.

Me: Help with what?

Nell: The training. The dance this week is an American Smooth.

Me: Oh, I see. It all makes sense now. But you’ve got it wrong, Nell. Smooth doesn’t mean stroking, it’s a dance style.

Nell: I know. Smooth is a ballroom dance style that consists of four dances: the Waltz, Tango, Foxtrot and Viennese Waltz. It has tremendous freedom in artistry and choreography that allows the dancers to create their own unique look and style.

Me: Yes. Exactly.

Nell: And all animals competing need their fur smoothing, preferably by Americans.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Me: Why are you hiding behind the cushions? Are you spying on someone?

Nell: Why would you say such a ridiculous thing?

Me: I’m right, aren’t I?

Nell: I’m simply keeping a close eye.

Me: On whom?

Nell: Rhubarb.

Me: The beautiful Bernese Mountain Dog from Toronto?

Nell: Obviously, I’m hardly going to be monitoring fruit.

Me: Why?

Nell: I’m finding her suspiciously glamorous for a Sunday morning.

Me: You’re glamorous too, Nell.

Nell: I’m not even wearing a hat.

Me: Rhu isn’t wearing a hat either. She’s just naturally striking.

Nell: Did you just say ‘Rhu’?

Me: Yes, that’s what everyone calls her.

Nell: She’s wearing a neckerchief.

Me: I think it’s a bandana.

Nell: Rupert seems completely smitten. All he can talk about is her autumn colours.

Me: That’s because he and The Cat are launching the latest Knitwear Wolf range and she’s agreed to model.

Nell: How kind of her.

Me: And Dave is over the moon to have her here. In fact they’ve started dance training now that his cough has almost gone.

Nell: You do realise that she had two breakfasts.

Me: It can happen.

Nell: Pancakes with Manuel and then bacon sandwiches with David.

Me: She’s a Mountain Dog. They have large appetites.

Nell: You know David is an honorary Mountain Dog, don’t you?

Me: Yes, I remember her inviting him to the Mountain Dog Conference the last time she was over.

Nell: Sally isn’t happy.

Me: I’m sure Sally is fine.

Nell: Now, that’s where you’re wrong.

Me: I am?

Nell: Yes, I received a text from her this morning.

Me: What did it say?

Nell: ‘Keep an eye on Rhubarb for me, would you? S. X’

Me: Nice of her to add a kiss.

Nell: That’s not the point.

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: Wasn’t it glorious down on the beach yesterday?

Nell: It certainly lifted our spirits.

Me: I love the way you follow in Kev’s footsteps.

Nell: I was merely having a slow stroll as recommended by Amy the Vet.

Me: Harriet just ran into the waves.

Nell: Yes, naughty animal. She wasn’t supposed to run.

Me: I know. It is her youthful exuberance. She just adores the sea. She can’t help herself.

Nell: At least she doesn’t seem to have suffered any ill effects.

Me: No, she only coughed a little in the night and this morning. You seem better too. Dave is still coughing, but not as much either.

Nell: Yes, David is definitely the most affected.

Me: Poor Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: He’s not letting it get him down. Especially not today.

Me: Why today?

Nell: It’s the weekend.

Me: And?

Nell: Weekends mean bacon sandwiches.

Me: No more porridge then?

Nell: Not at weekends, unless requested, or for medical reasons.

Me: What about the Manuka honey? Aren’t you supposed to be eating it?

Nell: You can have honey on all kinds of things.

Me: Even bacon?

Nell: Actually, Poppy is thinking of making a honey glazed ham when Chris comes to visit.

Me: Good idea. It’s not long now, Nell. Just 4 more sleeps.

Nell: Yes, I know. We will be collecting him soon from the station. What’s your opinion on sequinned jackets?

Me: Isn’t that a bit ostentatious for collecting someone from a station?

Nell: Not us. For Henry and Horst. They’re going to be presenting Strictly from Kev’s shoulders, or hat, and The Cat thought sequins would add a little sparkle.

Me: It would be a very little sparkle.

Nell: Better to sparkle a little then not at all.

Me: Of course. Sorry.