Me: You can’t get much better than a Sandy Faced Sunday.

Nell: Does it have to be my photo every time?

Me: You have the best Sandy Face. I think it’s your eyes and your thick bear-like fur.

Nell: My thick bear-like fur? Are you sure that’s Earl Grey you are drinking?

Me: You know what I mean. The puppies have silkier finer fur but yours is thick and wavy.

Nell: Charlie likes it too.

Me: How is he?

Nell: Rather chipper now that Sally’s back.

Me: I knew it.

Nell: You are going to have to pretend you didn’t hear that. She is undercover.

Me: But I did. Does anyone else know?

Nell: You mean apart from everyone who reads this?

Me: It can’t be helped.

Nell: It can actually. Anyway, as you suspected, Jim spotted her and was told not to say anything.

Me: But what about Harriet?

Nell: She has been informed.

Me: That’s why she is in such a good mood. She has been driving Dave crazy doing those pirouettes.

Nell: You mean Turn and Twirl? A clever manoeuvre designed to distract and confuse.

Me: Talking of twirling, how did the Dog Ballet in Torquay go?

Nell: Gladys was a huge success. She danced across the beach wearing a flashing collar surrounded by dogs chasing illuminated balls.

Me: Did Dave join in?

Nell: I’m afraid ballet is not for him. The shoes are all wrong for a start.

Me: I do hope Sally lets him know she is here.

Nell: Charlie says she is going to surprise him at dinner. Poppy is cooking roast beef and everyone is coming.

Me: He will be so happy. Why is she undercover?

Nell: If I knew the answer to that I wouldn’t tell you.

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: Look at my Big Brave Beautiful Boy. How handsome is he?

Nell: Yes, he is becoming quite the heart throb. I suppose being the lead singer in a band means you are bound to have a large fan base.

Me: Are you talking about Driftwood Bark?

Nell: How many bands does David have?

Me: I didn’t know they were that successful.

Nell: ‘I Want To Bark Free’ just went to Number One on iChews. Do keep up.

Me: Really?

Nell: They are all extremely excited.

Me: Who else is in it then?

Nell: The Cat for a start. It plays the tambourine when needed.

Me: I didn’t realise it was musical.

Nell: It isn’t. Then there is Alejandro. Hooves are a great asset to a drummer apparently.

Me: I suppose they would be.

Nell: Malcolm plays the penny whistle.

Me: Gosh. He’s coming out of his shell.

Nell: Malcolm is a flamingo. The only shells he’s coming out of are prawn shells and the odd crab, or lobster. Where was I?

Me: The Driftwood Bark line up.

Nell: Yes. Gladys plays the double bass.

Me: Isn’t that rather a large instrument for a Pomeranian?

Nell: Nothing phases Gladys. She is fearless. You know she is performing in the Dog Ballet in Torquay this evening?

Me: I didn’t know.

Nell: Finally there is Mutley is on the keyboards.

Me: But he’s completely deaf.

Nell: I’m afraid that doesn’t always matter.

Me: I know what you mean.

Nell: Although, sometimes he appears to be playing a completely different tune.

Me: I know the feeling.

Nell: You just need to stay in the real world. Did David just walk past wearing a pair of ballet shoes?

Me: Yes, but don’t worry Gladys was with him.

Nell: In a tutu?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Where are the girls?

Nell: In your bedroom with David. Poppy is consoling Harriet and Gladys is in my handbag.

Me: Why?

Nell: Because David brought it upstairs. You know he likes carrying it around and Gladys has started sleeping in it again since the weather got colder.

Me: I mean why does Harriet need consoling?

Nell: Harriet says Jim has a wandering eye.

Me: Jim the Farm Dog?

Nell: Of course.

Me: He is completely devoted to Harriet. She knows he is.

Nell: Well, apparently he woofed at a passing Golden.

Me: Retriever?

Nell: Yes.

Me: With beautiful long blonde hair?

Nell: Exactly. Like Sally.

Me: Maybe it was Sally and he was just saying hello?

Nell: But Sally is in London.

Me: But is she? Sally is a spy.

Nell: I hadn’t thought of that. Charlie will know.

Me: Surely Dave should know. He is her boyfriend.

Nell: When it comes to spying she tries to protect David as much as she can. He wears his heart on his face.

Me: You mean sleeve.

Nell: I do not. David isn’t wearing sleeves and if he was why would he do that? Ridiculous idea.

Me: Yes, it is when you say it like that. It comes from Shakespeare’s ‘Othello’. If you wear your heart on your sleeve birds will peck at it.

Nell: Well, that’s not happening. The Beefies would have his heart in an instant.

Me: True.

Nell: Anyway, now Harriet thinks she needs to change.

Me: But she doesn’t. She’s perfect as she is. Apart from the cushion chewing.

Nell: That’s what Poppy says. Haven’t you seen her Ted Talk on You Chewed? She is an excellent motivational speaker.

Me: Go Poppy. Girl power.

Nell: Do stop. You are not a Spice Girl.

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: Dave is begging again.

Nell: No. David is simply Keeping an Eye. There is a difference.

Me: Really?

Nell: Yes. Part of a Labrador’s duties is to make sure there is no waste and David takes this very seriously.

Me: He certainly does.

Nell: Keeping an Eye involves patience and focus. It’s not as easy as it looks.

Me: Charlie seems cheerful today?

Nell: Yes, he’s been feeling a little stronger so he’s thinking of wandering down to the yacht club with Knitwear Wolf later.

Me: I didn’t know they were members.

Nell: Oh yes. Don’t you remember the first time we met Rupert he was paddle boarding? He loves the water.

Me: I hope they aren’t going sailing in this weather. It’s a bit blustery.

Nell: No. Charlie isn’t up to sailing. They are going to meet up with a few of the Cardigan Club.

Me: The Cardigan Club?

Nell: Yes. I wish you would stop repeating everything I say.

Me: Are they wolves in cardigans?

Nell: No. Anyone with an appreciation of knitted garments can join. You don’t have to be a wolf. Ann Widdecombe is a member.

Me: The politician?

Nell: No. The sheep. She’s got nothing to do with politics. Honestly you worry me sometimes with your random comments.

Me: I don’t think I know her.

Nell: She tried to join the corgi choir but Myfanwy wasn’t having it.

Me: I don’t blame her. There is nothing remotely corgi-like about a sheep.

Nell: It wasn’t that. They are quite open to guests.

Me: Why don’t they want her?

Nell: She can’t sing and she’s annoying.

Me: That’s understandable. You need harmony in a choir. See what I did there?

Nell: Eat your toast. David is getting tired of Keeping an Eye.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I’m not sure what Charlie’s going to say about this photo.

Nell: I was simply on the beach waiting for Kev to get his tea.

Me: Next to the Doggy Dating area?

Nell: Please notice the fact that my lead is tied to the bench.

Me: Yes, I was only teasing.

Nell: Well, don’t. That’s exactly how rumours start and you did enough damage with the feather fiasco.

Me: Yes. You’re right. Although I noticed quite a few dogs trying to get your attention.

Nell: My heart belongs to darling Charlie.

Me: Of course but there is no harm in making new friends. Charlie wants you to get out more.

Nell: Why are you all dressed up?

Me: I’m going to Wednesday Writers. It will be lovely to see everyone again.

Nell: Is it at The Cottage Hotel?

Me: Yes.

Nell: I’ve stayed there you know.

Me: Yes, I know. Without me.

Nell: It’s in the book.

Me: Yes.

Nell: It was an extremely eventful stay.

Me: Don’t give it away.

Nell: I’m just saying. I’m surprised you haven’t asked me to join you.

Me: You never join me, Nell. It’s just for writers.

Nell: Exactly. Anyway everyone has a story within them. It’s in our DNA.

Me: Yes, it is.

Nell: Now the last time you went to Wednesday Writers it was a rather difficult day.

Me: Yes.

Nell: But nothing is going to happen to Kev this time.

Me: No.

Nell: We will all be watching him like hounds.

Me: You mean hawks.

Nell: I do not. We are dogs.

Me: Apart from The Cat and Malcolm and Timothy and Alejandro not forgetting Knitwear Wolf and Henry and Horst and Susan of course.

Nell: Go to your workshop clever clogs. Kev will be fine.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: I’m very unhappy with you.

Me: Yes, I know you are.

Nell: Making people think I was involved in the feather incident when I was just helping Kev with his investigation.

Me: Well, I apologise but you have to admit that it looked very iffy.

Nell: Iffy is not a word and neither is sloodgy by the way.

Me: But sloodgy is one of my favourite words.

Nell: I know.

Me: It’s exactly what the lanes are like when they get all wet and muddy, or the way custard can be if it’s a bit too thick.

Nell: Yes, I know but it’s still a made up word.

Me: Talking of making up, is Alejandro still at war with Count Bingo Flamingo?

Nell: Yes. He can’t accept Gladys’s decision to enter the dance contest with Count Bingo.

Me: But he’s the better dancer.

Nell: Yes, but Alejandro Tries Hard.

Me: You don’t get points for that.

Nell: Well, you should. I have brought the puppies up to value the importance of Trying Hard. David, is a shining example.

Me: Did you taste one of his scones?

Nell: I did. Hard doesn’t even come close. I nearly broke my tooth.

Me: They went a bit wrong.

Nell: It’s the thought that counts.

Me: Not if you have to eat it.

Nell: True. David is not a natural cook.

Me: But he’s an excellent eater.

Nell: Anyway, I understand Alejandro’s disappointment. He’s very light on his feet for an alpaca.

Me: The Argentine tango doesn’t really work with four legs.

Nell: Personally, I would favour an alpaca over a flamingo if I was looking for a South American cowboy.

Me: And are you?

Nell: No. I’m referring to a gaucho. They dance the Argentine tango. Do keep up.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I’m not sure Marvin likes his jumper.

Nell: We have to call them sweaters when we are talking to Canadians and Americans. Jumpers confuse them.

Me: His sweater then.

Nell: It was very kind of Knitwear Wolf to send it over to Toronto so Marvin should be thankful. It’s part of the Winter collection.

Me: Well, his face says it all. He is not happy.

Nell: It can get extremely cold in Canada and a pup must wrap up.

Me: Is that the new slogan? Only it’s a good one. ‘ Wrap up, Pup’.

Nell: You are a little too lively for a Monday morning, if I may say so.

Me: It’s stopped raining and the sun is trying to shine.

Nell: Yes. I think a walk on the beach is called for later.

Me: Will you be wearing a jumper?

Nell: I will not. I have my thick winter fur coat and jumpers interfere with swimming.

Me: How you can all swim in the sea is beyond me.

Nell: It’s invigorating. I can highly recommend it.

Me: I shall watch and possibly drink a mug of tea.

Nell: Now, there is a photo of me doing the rounds which you must not take the wrong way.

Me: What on earth have you done? Show me.

Nell: Nothing. During the feather debacle yesterday I sat in the middle of the sofa and somebody chose to photograph it.

Me: You look dreadfully guilty.

Nell: I look uncomfortable.

Me: If I didn’t know better I would say you were involved in some feather scattering.

Nell: Well, you would be wrong. Any feathers I may have scattered were purely by accident. They attach themselves to one’s fur.

Me: If you say so.

Nell: Do you doubt my word?

Me: Of course not. Sorry.

Nell: There was an admission of guilt at Morning Thoughts today.

Me: Oh dear. Not Harriet again?

Nell: I am afraid so. Mutley was in the chair so he will make the final decision.

Me: Don’t you mean the sofa?

Nell: Very funny, but yes it was about the sofa. Or rather the sofa cushions.

Me: I thought Kev covered it in a blanket to try and stop her?

Nell: He did and she pulled it off.

Me: That was very naughty of her.

Nell: It implies a certain degree of forethought, although she claims she simply can’t help herself.

Me: Why does she do it?

Nell: Apparently it’s the way the beautiful white feathers explode into the air.

Me: Is she even sorry?

Nell: Briefly. David, however, is completely devastated.

Me: Is he doing that guilty thing again?

Nell: Yes, he has perfected the Head Low and Slow movement.

Me: But he didn’t do it?

Nell: I know. He just can’t bear his sister to be punished.

Me: Harriet is going to have to sleep in the kitchen.

Nell: Yes, and not in Mutley’s soft bed as that’s a reward.

Me: Everyone loves his soft bed. I can’t get you out of it if you get the chance.

Nell: It’s luxurious.

Me: It’s under the kitchen table.

Nell: Now, Poppy is cooking a Sunday roast and Knitwear Wolf is joining us with Owl Pacino.

Me: What about Henry and Horst?

Nell: They are hosting a leaf picnic for the bugs in the garden. Henry was telling me that the leaves are particularly tasty this year.

Me: Is Malcolm making dessert?

Nell: Yes. Treacle sponge pudding.

Me: With custard?

Nell: Of course. Whoever heard of a sponge pudding without custard? It’s like a bacon sandwich without sauce.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Have you got a moment?

Nell: Certainly not. We’re watching the Rugby World Cup Final and it’s not looking good for England.

Me: I know that’s why I wondered if you would like a cup of tea.

Nell: A cup of tea? The way this is going I’m going to need a large G and T.

Me: Not at this time of the morning, Nell. I’ll get you some Earl Grey.

Nell: David’s eaten two bacon sandwiches already. I suppose I could manage a scone if pushed.

Me: I’ll ask Poppy. She’s in the kitchen listening to it on the radio with Malcolm. She finds it easier to be doing something so she’ll probably be happy to make you a fresh batch

Nell: Those Spring Boys are certainly putting us through our paces.

Me: Springboks. Did you know they are actually gazelles? If you startle them they have a habit of leaping into the air.

Nell: There is nothing remotely gazelle like about those boys, I can assure you.

Me: They can be very fast when they want to.

Nell: Can’t we all? Have you ever seen a startled corgi?

Me: I can’t say I have.

Nell: Well, trust me those little legs can really move. Myfanwy once outran a whippet.

Me: That’s very hard to believe.

Nell: There was only one crumpet left and she wanted it.

Me: Makes sense.

Nell: Well, that’s it. It’s over.

Me: At least we lost to the Rainbow Nation.

Nell: Yes, one must give credit where it’s due. South Africa thoroughly deserved to win.

Me: And we can be proud of our boys for getting to the final.

Nell: We can.

Me: Do you still want that scone, or have you lost your appetite?

Nell: I’m a Labrador.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Nell: Let David sleep. He is exhausted after yesterday.

Me: Tell me again what happened.

Nell: Fortunately Poppy sleeps with her sword under her pillow.

Me: Yes.

Nell: So when the intruders entered the bedroom she sprang into action.

Me: Intruders? I only saw one knitted ghost.

Nell: It was a pyramid of Beefies under a blanket.

Me: Goodness me. Those dastardly birds.

Nell: Yes. They knew we wouldn’t suspect knitwear.

Me: Clever. Were the Beefies armed too?

Nell: Yes, with baguettes and mackerel.

Me: Same old. Same old.

Nell: Yes. They lack imagination. Obviously baguettes are easily sliced when you have a sword so Poppy dealt with those swiftly.

Me: Where was Mutley?

Nell: In the next room with Gladys and The Cat. When they heard the noise they both rushed in. The Cat recoiled at the sight before it.

Me: It can’t stand mackerel.

Nell: Gladys tried dancing but found she couldn’t.

Me: It wasn’t really a dancing moment.

Nell: No. They were frozen and that’s when they realised Sven Gully was under the blanket too.

Me: Oh no.

Nell: The Cat was actually eating a mackerel and talking in Swedish when The Great Mutliano walked in.

Me: Oh my goodness.

Nell: By this time we had all joined them. Mutliano and Gully both stared at each other and we held our breath.

Me: I’m doing that now.

Nell: Then David burped.

Me: What?

Nell: He’d eaten a mackerel by mistake and it never agrees with him.

Me: I have the same problem.

Nell: This distracted Gully and he lost concentration so The Great Mutliano was able to break the spell and sent them all home with their tails between their legs.

Me: I don’t think that works with birds.

Nell: That’s not the point.

Me: No. Sorry.