Nell: I don’t know what the world is coming to?

Me: What’s wrong?

Nell: I do not expect my Sunday newspapers to be delivered by a wolf in knitted pyjamas.

Me: Yes. Malcolm was a little taken aback when he saw him through the kitchen window. He was making scrambled eggs at the time.

Nell: Why on earth was he doing that?

Me: Well, he is the Sous Chef, Nell, and Poppy’s gone jogging with Gladys.

Nell: No. Knitwear Wolf. Why is he delivering newspapers?

Me: Everyone needs to make a living, Nell. It’s probably a holiday job.

Nell: But you can’t just waltz around in pyjamas. Knitted, or not. It simply won’t do.

Me: Sundays are pyjama days for me, too. If I don’t have to go anywhere it’s lovely to lounge around.

Nell: You’re still not well, so pyjamas are allowed.

Me: I wonder if Malcolm noticed the quality of the wool.

Nell: I doubt it. Wolves and flamingos aren’t traditionally close so I think Malcolm kept his distance.

Me: Timothy nearly had a heart attack.

Nell: Turkeys are easily startled.

Me: By the way, Malcolm says we are out of bacon, so it’s smoked salmon with scrambled eggs for breakfast and wholemeal toast.

Nell: What happened to the bacon?

Me: David ate it by mistake. What are the plans for later?

Nell: A walk by the sea. Poppy is cooking roast beef and Yorkshire puddings for our Canadian visitors later.

Me: A meal like that is meant to be shared, isn’t it?

Nell: Of course.

Me: Might there be room for one more?

Nell: Why?

Me: Roaming the countryside in knitted pyjamas can’t be much fun.

Nell: You are not inviting Knitware Wolf to dinner. Lonely, or not. It’s a ridiculous idea.

Me: You are right. Sorry.

Me: Well, I think our visitors were definitely made to feel welcome.

Nell: David took it too far, again.

Me: He is just an affectionate Big Darling Boy.

Nell: He stood on the Canadians.

Me: They didn’t mind.

Nell: Shel was in pain at one point.

Me: Only a little.

Nell: Harriet did her best but once David decides to get involved there is little anyone can do.

Me: You enjoyed your ear rub with Jaime.

Nell: Yes, she is a lovely girl and she made time for a quiet cuddle with Mutley.

Me: And Dave.

Nell: Yes. That young animal has an excess of affection.

Me: You can’t have an excess of affection in my book.

Nell: You weren’t being stood on. Goodness only knows what is in your book.

Me: If you don’t know, Nell, then nobody does.

Nell: Now, today’s plans involve lunch by the sea and a cream tea later.

Me: Lovely.

Nell: You will wear a scarf at all times so your neck is kept warm.

Me: Ok. Bossy Boots.

Nell: I shall ignore that, but talking of boots, Wellingtons might be wise in this weather.

Me: Are you coming with us?

Nell: Of course. Who do you think is navigating? You can’t rely on PatNav around here. It has a mind of its own. The Whippets Institute minibus ended up in a farmyard.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Did you hear the news about Alejandro’s fleece?

Me: No.

Nell: It’s been stolen and now several Beefies have been spotted wearing soft, woollen scarves.

Me: You told me to wear a scarf today so you can’t really blame them for wrapping up. It must be cold on those cliffs.

Nell: That’s not the point. The scarves are made from alpaca wool.

Me: Oh, I see. Sorry.

Me: What are you all waiting for?

Nell: Canadians.

Me: Canadians don’t just turn up, you know.

Nell: Yes, they do.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: Rhu visited us for tea a few days ago and Shel and Jaime are arriving today. That’s three already.

Me: I suppose so.

Nell: And then Chris is coming over from Toronto in a couple of weeks.

Me: Chris isn’t Canadian.

Nell: Shannon is. Chris lives there. And we mustn’t forget Michael Bouvier the singer. He gets everywhere.

Me: You mean Bublé.

Nell: I do not. Now, Poppy is checking if we’ve got any Maple Syrup.

Me: I think they want Sticky Toffee Pudding.

Nell: You can’t have that for breakfast.

Me: They won’t be here until lunchtime.

Nell: So why are we waiting here in the cold and rain then?

Me: I have no idea.

Nell: Honestly, as if I don’t have better things to do. You shouldn’t be outside either with your nasty sore throat.

Me: Yes, it’s really chilly out here. At least Knitwear Wolf is appropriately dressed for once.

Nell: Yes, although those leg warmers are a little excessive. It appeared to be herding sheep this morning and was wearing a tweed cap which I find rather worrying.

Me: Did you wave?

Nell: Certainly not. It doesn’t need encouraging.

Me: There is no harm in being friendly.

Nell: I’m beginning to think Knitwear Wolf might be a Weather Wolf.

Me: A Weather Wolf?

Nell: Yes. But not a very good one.

Me: Why?

Nell: It obviously knew storms were coming but it got its days wrong.

Me: I didn’t know Weather Wolves existed.

Nell: You have Weather forecasters.

Me: Do you have Weather Dogs then?

Nell: Of course we do. Carol the Collie. Do keep up.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: That’s Rhubarb, the Bernese Mountain Dog from Toronto. She came to tea with Pamela yesterday.

Me: I know.

Nell: She’s sitting on a table, smiling.

Me: Yes.

Nell: I bet that photographer Martyn took it. He has a thing about tables.

Me: No. It was taken by Chris in Toronto. Rhu is a family friend. He sent it over.

Nell: Why?

Me: Dave asked him to. He was telling Chris on WoofsApp how well they got on.

Nell: I noticed. Do you know David offered her the last scone?

Me: Bless him. What a good boy.

Nell: Personally I think his head has been turned.

Me: Well, they are both big and beautiful. She says he can be an honorary Mountain Dog and he should fly over to the convention in September.

Nell: Sally will have something to say about that.

Me: They are just friends, Nell. You know how sociable Canadians are.

Nell: Talking of Canadians. When are Shel and Jaime arriving tomorrow? I can’t wait to see them.

Me: I’m not sure. They are at Highclere today.

Nell: Otherwise known as Downton Abbey. Delightful place. I remember dancing the night away there with a most handsome young Labrador.

Me: Really? Gosh, you moved in high circles.

Nell: Yes. I was able to give Maggie a few tips when she was filming.

Me: Maggie Smith?

Nell: Of course. We’ve been friends for years.

Me: You dark horse.

Nell: I beg your pardon? I may be dark but I have nothing of the horse about me at all.

Me: It was just a saying.

Nell: Please tell me that isn’t a wolf hiking through the fields in a knitted waistcoat.

Me: It’s Knitwear Wolf. I was hoping to see him. Shall we wave?

Nell: Certainly not.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Poppy and Harriet have been playing Bitey Faces in the studio since 6am.

Me: That’s dreadfully inconsiderate of them.

Nell: Alejandro slept through it all, of course. Once that alpaca is in his hammock he’s dead to the world.

Me: Yes. He can snore for England. Or should I say Ecuador?

Nell: Now, tread carefully around David, please. He has suffered a Huge Disappointment.

Me: No bacon again?

Nell: No. Boardmasters has been cancelled due to inclement weather conditions. He is devastated.

Me: What’s Boardmasters?

Nell: The surfing music festival in Newquay in Cornwall. David was going with AJ and the surfers. He is very disappointed.

Me: My poor darling boy.

Nell: Yes. He was airing his sleeping bag when we got the news.

Me: Did it need airing?

Nell: Have you ever shared a sleeping bag with a giant Labrador?

Me: I can’t say I have.

Nell: Trust me. It needed airing.

Me: I hope we see that wolf again today. I’m beginning to look forward to its knitted outfits.

Nell: You certainly made a fool of yourself yesterday. Waving like that.

Me: I thought it was waving at me.

Nell: You can’t just wave at any old wolf on a paddle board you know.

Me: But it’s Knitwear Wolf.

Nell: Don’t start.

Me: Maybe it’s heard about Alejandro and is after his fleece?

Nell: Here we go.

Me: Up in the frozen North Alaskan wolves probably dream about the warmth of alpaca wool.

Nell: You know it’s summer in Alaska at the moment, don’t you?

Me: Yes, but it’s still chilly, Nell. And Knitwear Wolf feels the cold.

Nell: I’m not listening to you anymore. I’ve got the Mountain Dogs coming to tea and nothing is prepared. Just ask Poppy to join me, please.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: It’s lovely here on the beach, isn’t it?

Nell: Yes. A few too many visitors for my liking but everyone deserves a holiday.

Me: They do.

Nell: In fact I was just chatting to a rather charming Boston Terrier from the United States.

Me: Is he staying at The Cottage Hotel?

Nell: No, he’s chartered a luxury yacht. He and his wife enjoy the freedom. She was rather reserved for a Silken Windhound but it might have been the jet lag.

Me: Yes.

Nell: What on earth is that out there?

Me: Where?

Nell: In the sea.

Me: It looks rather like a large wolf on a paddle board.

Nell: Yes, I know that, but what is it wearing?

Me: I’m afraid it’s wearing a knitted jumpsuit.

Nell: Exactly. This is becoming ridiculous.

Me: It’s certainly not something you see every day.

Nell: Or would ever want to see again. Who wears a knitted jumpsuit in the sea?

Me: It’s an unusual choice I agree.

Nell: It’s completely impractical for a start.

Me: At least the colour is quite tasteful. Taupe. It blends in really well with the wolf’s coat.

Nell: That’s not the point. I’m beginning to think this wolf is an attention seeker.

Me: I don’t think anyone ever wore knitwear to stand out, Nell. Sequins maybe.

Nell: But why Devon? If you were an Alaskan wolf looking for a holiday would Devon be top of your list?

Me: We do have excellent cream teas.

Nell: It’s an awfully long way to travel for a scone.

Me: Maybe the wolf is here with your American friends?

Nell: The United States is a large place you know.

Me: Stranger things have happened. Oh, look. The wolf is waving. Let’s wave back.

Nell: Stop that immediately.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: David has been waiting in the kitchen for bacon since first thing.

Me: Where’s Poppy?

Nell: Having breakfast at The Nest with Malcolm and Susan.

Me: Well, he’ll have to get his own breakfast, or wait until she gets back.

Nell: He says he can’t start the working week without bacon. Ridiculous animal. I’ve told him to have toast and marmalade like the rest of us.

Me: I suppose I could make him some.

Nell: You know Poppy doesn’t like you cluttering up her kitchen.

Me: We could go down to the sea. They do bacon sarnies at the beach.

Nell: Bacon sarnies? If you mean sandwiches I think you will find they are actually rolls.

Me: How do you know?

Nell: Kev and I may have partaken of a few on our Thoughtful Walks.

Me: So that’s what you two get up to when you’re out.

Nell: Walking makes you hungry. Everyone knows that.

Me: True.

Nell: Now, talking of hungry, that Alaskan wolf has been spotted again.

Me: Shopping for frozen food?

Nell: No. Eating fish and chips at the quay in a knitted hat and scarf.

Me: You’d think it would find it especially hot here, being Alaskan.

Nell: The Cat thinks it’s a fashion statement.

Me: I suppose it might be.

Nell: Pamela said it looked quite smiley for a wolf.

Me: Fish and chips make me happy, too. Do I know Pamela?

Nell: She’s the Pyrenean Mountain Dog I met at the weigh-in at the vets.

Me: Oh yes.

Nell: She was out with her friend Rhubarb, a Bernese Mountain Dog from Canada, when they saw it.

Me: A sort of Mountain Dog convention then?

Nell: Don’t be silly. That’s not until September and it’s in Toronto, not Kingsbridge.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Me: Where is Poppy?

Nell: Resting with Harriet in the studio. She needs some quiet after the jousting yesterday so Malcolm is preparing breakfast.

Me: Full English?

Nell: No. Smoked salmon and scrambled eggs. Poppy’s favourite.

Me: I never thought anyone would beat Poppy but Gladys unseated her.

Nell: David was a little too fast. More of a gallop than a trot.

Me: Yes. Alejandro was more controlled.

Nell: He has hooves, of course.

Me: Yes, and riding an alpaca seems to be easier than riding a Labrador. Not that I’ve ever tried.

Nell: The mere thought.

Me: And Poppy was riding bareback. In a full suit of armour.

Nell: Yes. David refused to be saddled. He said it was too restricting.

Me: I don’t blame him. Gladys is freakishly strong for a small dog. She was twirling that lance like a cheerleader.

Nell: Yes. Most disconcerting.

Me: Those tall medieval hats suited the Welsh corgi choir.

Nell: Yes. Myfanwy had a few problems with her veil but fortunately one of the Whippets Institute had a safety pin.

Me: I didn’t know they were coming.

Nell: They never miss the chance of a cream tea.

Me: The Cat made an excellent Robin Hood. Those tights.

Nell: A little over the top for my taste. I’m sure Robin never wore sequins.

Me: Shall we have a quiet day today, Nell?

Nell: Yes. The Sunday papers after breakfast I think and The Archers Omnibus with our elevenses.

Me: Sounds perfect.

Nell: What’s that dreadful noise?

Me: Alejandro appears to be playing the banjo.

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous.

Me: I know it’s an unlikely thing for an alpaca to be doing but it’s true. Look.

Nell: It’s not a banjo. It’s a lute. Do try and get your instruments right.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Dave was so relieved to see Tony.

Nell: Yes. Tony has kindly forgiven him for trying to eat Little Ollie.

Me: He didn’t try and eat him, Nell. He just over reacted. He wants to be Tony’s Best Big Brave Boy.

Nell: Yes, but he needs to know that Little Ollie is living with Tony and Sue now and is consequently Family, not Foe.

Me: Talking of foes, any news on the mysterious Hunter?

Nell: Naughty Nigel hasn’t got any closer to disclosing Hunter’s identity. He’s asked to go home.

Me: Is he tired of being Bad?

Nell: Yes. Charlotte has a nasty cold and is a little low so Nigel feels his place is by her side. She finds him a Tremendous Comfort.

Me: I’m sure she does.

Nell: Nigel says he much prefers being Naughty at home.

Me: We’ll just have to keep an eye out for suspicious behaviour then.

Nell: Yes, we will.

Me: And if we spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing it might well be Hunter.

Nell: Funny you should say that. There was a wolf at Walbark wearing a woolly jumper.

Me: An odd choice in summer. What was it buying?

Nell: Fish fingers.

Me: I didn’t know wolves ate fish.

Nell: Alaskan wolves thrive on salmon. It’s a known fact.

Me: I expect it’s missing the snow then.

Nell: Excuse me?

Me: It probably hangs around the frozen food section all day dreaming of home and buys Arctic Rolls for the name.

Nell: Enough. Did Gladys just ride past on Alejandro?

Me: Yes. Very slowly.

Nell: Was she wearing a full suit of armour?

Me: Yes.

Nell: And carrying a lance?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Of course she was moving slowly. You can’t rush through the house with a lance.

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: I think this photo says it all really.

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: Sticking your tongue out at Martyn the Photographer when he was such a friendly man.

Nell: He took my ball.

Me: Plonking your legs out in an ‘I’m not moving’ stance.

Nell: Plonking? I never plonk. Is that even a word?

Me: Well, you plonked yesterday.

Nell: He expected me to sit on a table.

Me: That was only for the studio photos.

Nell: I’m used to soft sofas and armchairs.

Me: It wasn’t for long.

Nell: And he turned all the lights out except for that dentist light.

Me: It was special lighting. We had a lovely walk around the gardens with him before that.

Nell: Yes, but we kept stopping and I was asked to gaze into your eyes.

Me: You just had to glance at me once, or twice. You were supposed to look as if you were listening.

Nell: You can have a conversation without gazing at someone like a lovesick llama.

Me: Talking of llamas, Alejandro was looking for you.

Nell: Oh yes. That will be about the jousting.

Me: Jousting?

Nell: Yes. Gladys has challenged Poppy. David and Alejandro have offered to be their noble steeds and carry them on their backs.

Me: I’ve heard it all now.

Nell: We are trying to organise a couple of lances. Count Bingo thinks he might have some in the attic.

Me: As one does.

Nell: Yes. The Cat is in charge of the costumes and the Whippets Institute are providing the bunting.

Me: They’re not going to wear armour are they?

Nell: The Whippets Institute? Certainly not.

Me: I meant Poppy and Gladys.

Nell: Of course they are. Do you want someone to get hurt?

Me: No. You are right. Sorry.