Me: Where is Harriet?

Nell: She left for Plymouth with Savoiardi a while ago. He has arranged for a boat to take them to France. David was most distressed.

Me: How is a sweet chocolate Labrador going to defeat the mighty NOIR?

Nell: Harriet is wearing a wire under her cloak. As soon as NOIR reveal their dastardly plans MI5 can swoop in and rescue her.

Me: Is Owl Pacino involved then?

Nell: I couldn’t possibly say. Wait. I have a text from Sally.

Me: What’s happened, Nell? You look worried.

Nell: NOIR suspect that there is a traitor and are increasing security. Searches are taking place.

Me: No. Harriet is in danger. They might find the wire.

Nell: Yes. MI5 are trying to get a message to her before the boat leaves.

Me: I hope they do.

Nell: Wait. I’ve got another text. It’s Harriet.

Me: Is she safe?

Nell: Yes. She was able to get off the boat by pleading illness.

Me: Thank goodness.

Nell: Where is David, by the way?

Me: No idea.

Nell: Ask the farm dogs. They usually know what’s going on. Nosey lot.

Me: I’ll be right back.

Nell: Fine. I’m going to finish my Earl Grey tea.

Me: You aren’t going to like this, Nell.

Nell: What?

Me: Dave was seen early this morning speeding away on his motorbike wearing a beret and a false moustache.

Nell: Alone?

Me: No. The Cat was in the sidecar in a sequinned robe carrying your handbag.

Nell: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: No helmets and ridiculously overdressed?

Nell: No. They have gone to protect Harriet.

Me: But she is back in Plymouth.

Nell: Yes, and if I’m not mistaken, they are on their way to France.

Me: This isn’t the time to check social media, Nell.

Nell: I am texting Sally. She needs to know what’s happened. Good grief.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Savoiardi is at the door. Lie low.

Me: Who?

Nell: Savoiardi. The evil boss of NOIR.

Me: You mean Sponge Finger? No. It’s only that French rook Tour de France. He’s probably collecting Dave.

Nell: Were you actually in the Family meeting yesterday?

Me: To be honest all those facts and figures about diamond smuggling were a bit too much so my mind started to wander.

Nell: Tour de France is Savoiardi. Now, Mutley is going to answer the door while David and Harriet get changed. He is project managing, as agreed, because Sally is away and Charlie is unwell.

Me: Sally’s timing is a bit off. Leaving us to deal with all this. Why is Harriet getting changed?

Nell: Savoiardi is here to take Mademoiselle Écarlate to finalise plans for her trip to France with Madame Odile.

Me: Who is Mademoiselle Écarlate again?

Nell: Good grief. Harriet is Mademoiselle Écarlate and supposedly spying on Sally but she is actually working as a double agent for MI5 to overthrow NOIR, the Notorious Organisation of International Rooks.

Me: And Madame Odile?

Nell: She is a black swan who runs the French bakery Oiseau Noir in Kingsbridge. It’s a front for smuggling diamonds hidden in baguettes and delivered by the Beefies, an evil gang of seagulls. Do keep up.

Me: Why are they going to France?

Nell: There is a meeting in Brittany for all the heads of NOIR.

Me: I don’t think Harriet should go.

Nell: We’ve been through this. Charlie and Sally have faith in Harriet and so should we.

Me: I think Dave might have his costumes mixed up.

Nell: Why?

Me: He just walked past wearing a false moustache and a beret, carrying a surfboard and your handbag.

Nell: Please tell me Gladys isn’t dressed as a mermaid.

Me: That’s an impressive sequinned tail.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: Sorry.

Me: Tiramisu? Tour de France brought Tiramisu? I wonder why. It’s not very French.

Nell: It’s Italian and extremely revealing.

Me: Sounds like something Gladys would wear.

Nell: Do you know how it’s made?

Me: No, but it was delicious.

Nell: It’s made with coffee, mascarpone and savoiardi biscuits.

Me: Is this a cookery lesson?

Nell: Savoiardi.

Me: You mean Sponge Finger? It’s made with sponge fingers?

Nell: Yes. The only question now is what is Tour trying to tell us? Is he Savoiardi? Or is he setting a bait and trying to find out what we know?

Me: Goodness me.

Nell: Either way Harriet is determined to go to France with Madame Odile. There is a big meeting of the international heads of NOIR in Roscoff and she wants to be there. Remember the rooks think Harriet is working for them.

Me: It’s too dangerous.

Nell: We are calling a Family meeting. Charlie and Sally feel that everyone should know what is going on.

Me: Yes. Dave is going to be so disappointed in Tour. They were going surfing later and over to AJ the gardening Afghan’s for a barbecue.

Nell: They still can. We must keep up the pretence. It’s about Harriet now. She is going to need all the support she can get.

Me: This is an awfully big adventure.

Nell: Yes.

Me: The Cat never liked him. It has an eye for a spy.

Nell: No. It just doesn’t like rooks.

Me: So, the important thing is not to react to the base of the Tiramisu. If asked, remain nonchalant.

Nell: If asked what exactly?

Me: Well, if Tour says: ‘How did you like my savoiardi biscuits?’ I reply ‘Surely you mean sponge fingers? I’ve never heard of Savoiardi in my life before now.’

Nell: Unbelievable. We can’t allow you anywhere near him. I despair of you sometimes. I really do.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Quiet! The puppies are having a lie in. It’s Sunday so Morning Thoughts can wait a little.

Me: They look exhausted.

Nell: Yes. Keeping Secrets is so much more tiring than physical exercise.

Me: It’s just a hole in a carpet. Not the end of the world.

Nell: No. It’s about Harriet’s undercover role as Mademoiselle Écarlate. She has been invited to join Madame Odile on a trip to France.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: What are your thoughts on Tour de France, by the way?

Me: I’m not that fussed to be honest. Too many bicycles.

Nell: I mean the French rook. The chef from Brittany. Can we trust him?

Me: He is great fun and a wonderful chef.

Nell: He’s coming to lunch today and bringing dessert. It will be a test.

Me: I’m not sure it’s fair to judge someone on their desserts, Nell.

Nell: Desserts can be surprisingly revealing. Is he a fresh fruit rook, does he favour cheesecake, baked or chilled? Or does sticky toffee pudding float his boat?

Me: I didn’t know he sailed. I’d go for sticky toffee pudding every time.

Nell: No surprises there. I prefer Pavlova. Crisp sweet meringue and tart berries with lashings of cream.

Me: Yes. That’s very you.

Nell: David and Gladys are devils for ice cream. Gladys once jumped into a Knickerbocker Glory. Those hundreds and thousands got everywhere.

Me: Gosh. What about The Cat?

Nell: It doesn’t do puddings. A glass of port and a black coffee is all it wants at the end of a meal and the occasional cheese board, if pushed.

Me: This is exciting. So it all depends on dessert. Is Tour de France an Apple Tarte tatin, or is he, in fact, an Apple spy?

Nell: Do stop.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: There is a hole in the bedroom carpet.

Nell: Yes. We are aware.

Me: Dave looks really worried.

Nell: I know he does.

Me: It’s not like him to do that.

Nell: He didn’t do it.

Me: Why the guilty face then?

Nell: He knows who did.

Me: So?

Nell: The culprit will not go unpunished.

Me: I need to know.

Nell: I am using this as part of David’s training. He is finding it very hard not to reveal the culprit’s identity.

Me: That’s because he is a good, honest boy.

Nell: Yes, but we are living in a world of danger and subterfuge where David must learn to keep a secret.

Me: My bedroom carpet is ruined.

Nell: You are missing the point. Do you want us all to be put at risk with idle tittle tattle?

Me: No.

Nell: Do you want NOIR to make millions with their illegal diamond smuggling?

Me: Certainly not?

Nell: And the Beefies to continue flying around with diamond baguettes crowing over us all?

Me: Beefies don’t really crow. It’s more of a scream.

Nell: That’s not the point. Do you want the identity of Savoiardi never to be known?

Me: We have to unmask Sponge Finger.

Nell: Exactly. So stop trying to force David to reveal his secret and move on. He is doing this for us all.

Me: Yes. You are right. Sorry.

Nell: I wish David wouldn’t sit there with that bone hanging out of his mouth. He looks like a reprobate.

Me: It’s his gangster look and I think he is adorable.

Nell: You would. What did you think of tea yesterday?

Me: The scones were delicious as always and those mini quiches were inspired.

Nell: I meant that French rook Tour de France.

Me: He certainly charmed the socks off everyone.

Nell: Yes. I was rather glad to see Mutley was wearing his socks as well as a beret. There is still a decided chill in the air.

Me: I’m not sure he quite believed our disguises.

Nell: No. We came across as eccentric, though, which is equally good and Harriet was perfect as Mademoiselle Écarlate.

Me: I even forgot it was Harriet under that veil.

Nell: She did well. The Cat doesn’t like him, of course.

Me: Why not?

Nell: Cats and rooks don’t mix. It’s a well known fact.

Me: The Cat gets on well with Malcolm and Susan.

Nell: Malcolm is a shy flamingo and Susan is a quiet seagull. The Cat appreciates good manners.

Me: Tour has good manners. It’s probably a bit jealous of Dave’s new friendship with him.

Nell: If you want jealous just look at Gladys. Pirouetting into Tour was not an accident you know. It took a lot of skill and planning.

Me: She is not a happy bunny.

Nell: She is not a bunny at all. She is a black Pomeranian. What are you talking about?

Me: Well, I liked him.

Nell: I’m reserving judgement. A smiling dog can still bite.

Me: He is a rook, Nell.

Nell: Exactly. A Dalmatian never changes its spots.

Me: You mean a leopard.

Nell: No, I don’t. Do keep up.

Me: Oh. I see. Sorry.

Me: What have I done now?

Nell: You were supposed to be in disguise.

Me: I know.

Nell: Going incognito does not mean introducing us as Nell and Sara to a visiting family of French Bulldogs and wondering if they’ve eaten a baguette recently.

Me: I was making conversation.

Nell: You might as well have asked them if they’d seen any diamonds.

Me: I did and they hadn’t.

Nell: David is as bad as you. He has only gone and made friends with one of the French rooks.

Me: Really?

Nell: They bonded over a cheese baguette.

Me: What happened?

Nell: David and Gladys were distracting Beefies down at the Quay dressed as Pierre and Fifi when a French rook commented on David’s onions.

Me: In French?

Nell: Yes. He said ‘Bon oignons, mon ami’.

Me: That was friendly.

Nell: David knows a few words so he replied ‘Zut alors’ which was highly inappropriate and something nobody French really says. It made the rook laugh so much he offered him half his cheese baguette.

Me: Kind of him. Any diamonds in it?

Nell: Of course not. They don’t put diamonds in all of them. Only the ones for special delivery.

Me: Yes.

Nell: And now David has invited him to tea so we are all going to have to be in disguise. Poppy is busy baking scones dressed as a French maid and Mutley is wearing a beret.

Me: That’s a bit excessive. Is the rook one of the NOIR family then?

Nell: Apparently Tour de France is just a simple baker from Brittany over here to improve his English.

Me: Tour de France? You can’t be serious. Does he ride a bicycle?

Nell: I’m deadly serious and only the fit and foolish cycle on these windy Devon roads as you well know.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: That is the worst disguise I have ever seen.

Me: It’s an all encasing hat. You aren’t even wearing anything.

Nell: I am wearing a boy’s collar.

Me: You always wear that collar. It’s your favourite one.

Nell: Never mind. We were in a rush. Can you see any diamonds? That passing poodle said it saw a baguette fall from the sky near here.

Me: No. I took a photo of something sparkly but it was only a stone.

Nell: By the way, Myfanwy, one of the Welsh corgis, lost a tooth on a diamond this morning.

Me: No?

Nell: She ordered a crab baguette and thought she had bitten on a piece of shell.

Me: It can happen with crab.

Nell: Yes. Imagine her surprise. Fortunately we are in the same WoofsApp group so she let me know at once. Thank goodness for iBones.

Me: Did someone collect the diamond?

Nell: David and Gladys were performing in the vicinity so they picked it up. They shared the rest of the baguette.

Me: That was a bit risky.

Nell: The Daily Growl are sending someone over to cover the story. Word is spreading.

Me: I hope it’s not a cub reporter.

Nell: They don’t employ bears anymore as far as I know. It will probably be a Jack Russell.

Me: It will definitely annoy Sponge Finger.

Nell: You mean Savoiardi. Myfanwy isn’t best pleased because it’s her middle tooth but as I said to her ‘If it works for Madonna, dear.’

Me: Madonna only has a gap between her teeth, Nell. Not a whole tooth missing.

Nell: Whatever.

Me: The Beefies could get into serious trouble with NOIR over their carelessness.

Nell: It’s their own fault.

Me: It goes to show Diamonds aren’t always a Gull’s best friend.

Nell: Good grief. Just keep looking, please.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Beautiful Harriet.

Nell: She says NOIR are unhappy with the Beefies.

Me: I bet they are. Chucking diamonds around like that.

Nell: Exactly. Apparently a group of beachcombing beagles found a diamond on Bantham beach.

Me: In a baguette?

Nell: Not anymore, but, as they explained to the Daily Growl, a baguette is there to be eaten and they were hungry.

Me: Dave would understand.

Nell: Madame Odile has been reprimanded from above.

Me: Good God.

Nell: Not that far above. It has reached the ears of the evil head of NOIR.

Me: Do birds have ears?

Nell: Of course they do. They are hidden by feathers.

Me: Ah, Inner ears not earring ears.

Nell: I worry about you sometimes. Anyway, Sally and Charlie are rather pleased as they are hoping the evil head of NOIR might actually pay the bakery a visit and finally be unmasked.

Me: Don’t they know who it is?

Nell: No. They only know the name.

Me: Is it Blofeld?

Nell: Certainly not. It’s Savoiardi.

Me: It sounds Italian.

Nell: Yes. It means sponge finger.

Me: Obviously, not to be trifled with.

Nell: Do stop. So we need to encourage the Beefies to keep dropping baguettes. David and Gladys are in charge of provocation.

Me: They should be good at that.

Nell: We are positioning our people across the area. Owl Pacino is coordinating with Sally. We will work in pairs. If a baguette is dropped, we will be there. Surreptitiously and in disguise, of course.

Me: I can’t wait.

Nell: I can’t believe I am saying this, but you and I are a team.

Me: I know we are.

Nell: No. Sally has chosen you to be my partner.

Me: You mean I’m included?

Nell: Yes. Now don’t let me down by overreacting.

Me: Just one excited jump in the air then? Sorry.

Nell: David has resumed guard duties and is watching over Poppy.

Me: If that’s what you want to call it.

Nell: He is allowed to lie on the lounger if he remains alert. We need extra security. A long haired Beefy threw a baguette at Mutley early this morning when he was doing his Tai Chi exercises in the garden.

Me: How rude? Long haired?

Nell: Yes. It was wearing a wig. Sally has asked David not to eat the evidence next time but praised his quick reaction in catching it. David said it was a bit hard so we are guessing it wasn’t fresh.

Me: Is that important?

Nell: It could be.

Me: Was Saturday’s meeting with Madame Odile a success?

Nell: Yes. They think Sally is charmed by their delicious French delicacies. She has agreed to talk to Poppy about the French bakery supplying her cafe with baguettes.

Me: That’s never going to happen.

Nell: It might have to if we are to find out the truth. We need to know what’s in the baguettes.

Me: You can have all kinds of fillings. Ham, cheese, fish. They are very versatile.

Nell: We are talking smuggling here.

Me: French Brie, or Camembert?

Nell: Why is David jumping around?

Me: I don’t know.

Nell: Go and get the pooper scooper.

Me: I’d rather not.

Nell: I can see it glinting from here.

Me: What is it?

Nell: If I’m not mistaken that is a diamond. Well done, David.

Me: How did he do that?

Nell: It was in the baguette, of course. Clever.

Me: Health and Safety are going to have something to say about this.

Nell: Stop waving the pooper scooper around and go and get Sally.

Me: Yes. Sorry.