Me: You can’t keep doing that.

Nell: Doing what?

Me: Smiling nicely for a biscuit and then putting on a sad face if I don’t give you another one immediately.

Nell: I was doing nothing of the sort.

Me: When we started walking you were all smiley so I gave you a biscuit.

Nell: And then we walked for miles and miles along the river bank and Kev kept stopping and pointing.

Me: There were ducks.

Nell: I told you we should have brought sandwiches and a flask of tea but you never listen.

Me: You can’t have a biscuit every few steps.

Nell: I need it.

Me: You sit down and won’t move. It’s very naughty.

Nell: I’ll tell you who’s very naughty. David.

Me: Dave’s a good boy. He and Nigel kept crossing leads, but otherwise they did well.

Nell: I’m not talking about our walk. I’m talking about his work. David is on his final warning at Beefy Bacon Baps.

Me: How do you know?

Nell: Lionel told me.

Me: Have you been seeing Lionel King?

Nell: No. He left a voice message for me on WoofsApp.

Me: What did it say?

Nell: ‘If Dave doesn’t cooperate his days are numbered.’

Me: What?

Nell: It ended ‘This is a final warning.’

Me: Are you serious?

Nell: Yes. You can listen to it if you like.

Me: We have to send it to Sally right now.

Nell: Why? He’s probably been stealing the bacon.

Me: Don’t you realise what Lionel is saying?

Nell: David is going to lose his job.

Me: He’s going to lose much more than that.

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: Where is he?

Nell: At the beach. He went straight there after our walk.

Me: We have to go. Dave’s in danger. Sorry.

Me: Nigel is keeping very close to Harriet. He refuses to leave her side.

Nell: There’s a reason for that.

Me: I thought he’d got over his crush on her.

Nell: He has.

Me: And Dorothy has forgiven him, hasn’t she?

Nell: Yes. They’re friends again. Dorothy is wise enough to know crushes are dreadful things. One almost loses one’s mind.

Me: So, what’s the reason for Nigel being so clingy?

Nell: Nigel knows Harriet will protect him.

Me: Protect him from what? Not Dave? He’s gone to work at the beach. The surfers love a Beefy Bacon Bap in the morning.

Nell: No, it’s not David.

Me: I mean I know Dave is a little bit rude and defiant at the moment but he would never hurt anyone.

Nell: If I tell you, you must agree not to laugh because the fear is real.

Me: Now you have to tell me.

Nell: Nigel is afraid of Maud.

Me: Maud? The name rings a bell. Is she a Labrador?

Nell: No. She’s a grandmother clock.

Me: The one Kev saved and brought home to mend?

Nell: Yes. He put her in the living room and Nigel doesn’t like her.

Me: Does he know she’s just a clock?

Nell: We’ve tried to tell him, but he’s still afraid.

Me: He took against the Stuffed Tiger. Do you remember when he tried to bite its leg?

Nell: That’s completely different. The Stuffed Tiger is not to be trusted. It’s lazy and sly.

Me: It’s stuffed.

Nell: Nigel thinks Maud is watching him.

Me: She’s a clock.

Nell: Clocks have faces.

Me: But no eyes. She’s an object.

Nell: Some would say your car is an object, but you still call him George and talk to him every day.

Me: That’s true. Sorry.

Me: What’s going on? Harriet is looking worried in the living room and you and Dave are sulking under the kitchen table.

Nell: I’m not sulking. David is in a mood because he’s missing Sunday Songs and Sunday Roast.

Me: No wonder he’s being rude and defiant.

Nell: I’m just trying to catch up on some sleep.

Me: You won’t get any sleep in the kitchen on a Sunday morning, Nell. Herr Hoffmann and his team are preparing lunch. It’s roast chicken today with all the trimmings.

Nell: I didn’t get much sleep last night because of the celebrations for The Return of Henry.

Me: Where was he?

Nell: At Woodlice Towers.

Me: Woodlice Towers?

Nell: It’s a flowerpot he and Horst share with some other insects. We checked but didn’t see him.

Me: I’m so glad he didn’t get washed.

Nell: So is he. Frau Hoffmann had it on Quick Wash but he wouldn’t have survived the spin cycle.

Me: All’s well that ends well.

Nell: Except David still isn’t himself.

Me: It’s Much Ado About Nothing.

Nell: Kindly stop naming Shakespeare plays and concentrate on the problems at paw.

Me: Dave’s just getting into character. He needs to be a bit bolshy to get through a Beefy Bacon Bap service.

Nell: I don’t like it.

Me: Nobody does, Nell. My darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy is a changed animal.

Nell: Sally won’t recognise him.

Me: Hopefully it’s just for the next few days. Why is Harriet worried?

Nell: Jim the Farm Dog is duetting with My Friend Dorothy at Sunday Songs.

Me: What are they singing?

Nell: ‘Love Hurts’.

Me: Oh dear. Jim usually duets with Harriet, doesn’t he?

Nell: Yes. And Dorothy can’t even sing.

Me: That doesn’t sound good.

Nell: My thoughts exactly.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: You’re not going to believe this.

Me: I might.

Nell: David is downstairs being rude and defiant.

Me: Our Dave?

Nell: Yes.

Me: He’s never rude, or defiant. He’s the sweetest Big Brave Beautiful Boy you ever could meet.

Nell: Not today, he isn’t.

Me: I blame this on the Beefies.

Nell: Or an excess of bacon.

Me: Did he bring any home?

Nell: No. He ate all his wages.

Me: Not good.

Nell: It was his first day and we knew he would probably do that. It’s his attitude that’s worrying.

Me: Have you asked him what’s wrong?

Nell: He says the Beefies expect their staff to be rude and he’s just getting into character.

Me: Well, that actually makes sense, Nell, if you think about it.

Nell: I do not tolerate rudeness in this house.

Me: I know, but it probably isn’t real rudeness.

Nell: At breakfast he told me to stop complaining about my overcooked egg and be thankful I had one.

Me: He has a point.

Nell: I asked for it to be soft boiled. You can’t dip your soldiers into a hard boiled egg.

Me: Mistakes can happen. Is Henry being rude and defiant, too?

Nell: I haven’t seen him.

Me: He definitely came back, didn’t he? Dave didn’t leave him in the Beefy Bacon Bap van?

Nell: I certainly hope not.

Me: Was Dave wearing his jaunty hat when he came home?

Nell: I think so. I know Frau Hoffmann said she was definitely going to have to give his apron a wash.

Me: Hand wash, or machine wash?

Nell: I don’t know what it says on the label. Why?

Me: What if she washed his hat?

Nell: She probably did.

Me: Henry was inside it.

Nell: You don’t mean?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: You really enjoyed our walk by the river, didn’t you?

Nell: Yes. I was able to take my time and enjoy a good sniffari.

Me: The highlight was finding those snowdrops.

Nell: I’m not sure anyone will see them in the photo.

Me: They will. Besides it’s a lovely photo of you. They all are. You’re such a classic beauty.

Nell: Most kind.

Me: I see the way Knitwear Wolf looks at you.

Nell: Rupert is a dear and loving friend to us all.

Me: Unlike that wretched lion. Asking for Dave as his assistant. He’s up to no good.

Nell: Lionel knows he can trust Dave.

Me: But we can’t trust him. Whatever he says. He better not harm my boy.

Nell: David is not doing this alone. Henry will be monitoring proceedings from under his hat and relaying it all to Horst in Louse Code.

Me: How will Henry see anything if he’s under Dave’s hat?

Nell: He has a spyhole. If there’s any danger Henry will alert Horst and we’ll get them both out.

Me: We?

Nell: Owl Pacino and the Royal Owl Force are on standby and Rupert and I can be there in a jiffy.

Me: How are you going to get anywhere in a jiffy?

Nell: I shall travel in Rupert’s sidecar.

Me: Dave is never going to resist eating the bacon by mistake. You know that, don’t you?

Nell: He’s going to give it a jolly good try. The Beefies are paying him in bacon so any losses will be taken from his wages.

Me: When is his first shift?

Nell: Lunchtime today. He’s working all weekend.

Me: Poor Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. Literally lured into the Lion’s Den.

Nell: It’s a Bacon Bap van. Stop being so dramatic.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: I’m starting to think you might be right.

Me: That makes a change. Right about what?

Nell: David. I’m not at all sure he can keep a secret.

Me: Why? What’s happened?

Nell: Tony arrived and the first thing David did was jump into his arms and tell him he was going to fry bacon for the Beefies.

Me: Well, he is.

Nell: And then he told him he was going to wear a jaunty hat and an apron with a seagull on it like Lionel King.

Me: He’s going to do that, too.

Nell: And finally he whispered ‘I’m actually going to be hiding Henry under my hat.’

Me: He probably shouldn’t have said that.

Nell: No.

Me: I didn’t even know that.

Nell: You do now.

Me: Only because you told me.

Nell: David told Tony.

Me: How do you know that?

Nell: Harriet heard him. She’s a real spy.

Me: Why did she tell you?

Nell: Because I’m David’s sponsor.

Me: Sponsor?

Nell: I’m there to support him if it all becomes too much.

Me: Shouldn’t Sally be doing that?

Nell: Sally is far too busy running the secret service.

Me: She shouldn’t have put Dave in this position. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. Making a mistake before he’s even started.

Nell: It’s fine. Tony is trustworthy. He won’t tell anyone. The only reason I know is because Harriet was there.

Me: Why isn’t Harriet frying bacon? She’d cope much better with all the subterfuge.

Nell: Harriet has other fish to fry.

Me: She could easily pop a bit of bacon in, too.

Nell: I’m talking metaphorically.

Me: Talking of fish. I’m surprised it’s not mackerel they’re selling.

Nell: Beefy Mackerel Baps are far too niche. Oily fish isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: Wasn’t it lovely when Harriet realised you’d almost managed to walk to the sea and started running towards you?

Nell: She didn’t run all the way.

Me: No. She stopped to let you walk towards her.

Nell: I’d walked far enough.

Me: You could have tried.

Nell: I was too tired.

Me: You are a grumpy old thing sometimes.

Nell: Talking of grumpy, you’re not going to like this.

Me: Tell me.

Nell: David is applying for a holiday job.

Me: Dave doesn’t have holidays. He’s not at school.

Nell: A casual job then.

Me: Doing what?

Nell: Frying bacon.

Me: I beg your pardon?

Nell: For Beefy Bacon Baps.

Me: You’ve got to be joking.

Nell: I’m not. After much deliberation, and several Zoom calls with Sally, it was decided that David is the perfect animal to go undercover.

Me: Dave can’t go undercover. He wears his heart on his sleeve.

Nell: David doesn’t have sleeves.

Me: You know what I mean.

Nell: David is loyal and trustworthy, and experienced with food.

Me: He might not want to do it.

Nell: The Beefies will pay him in bacon.

Me: What if they lure him over to the dark side like Lionel King?

Nell: Lionel King is the reason we need David. It’s the only way we can find out if he is what he says he is.

Me: A lion?

Nell: No. A double agent.

Me: That lion isn’t a double agent. He’s a baddie.

Nell: He says he isn’t.

Me: I don’t believe him.

Nell: He specifically asked for David.

Me: There you are. What more proof do you need? Lionel knows how Dave feels about bacon.

Nell: David will stay strong. Sally is sure of it.

Me: This is too much to ask of him. Sorry.

Me: That was a lovely walk.

Nell: Yes, most enjoyable.

Me: The sea air always does us good.

Nell: The Beefy Bacon Bap van is still here.

Me: I know.

Nell: And look at all those people queuing.

Me: Do you prefer red, or brown sauce on your bacon bap?

Nell: Brown, but that’s not the point.

Me: A bacon bap is exactly what you need after a walk on the beach.

Nell: Don’t even suggest such a thing

Me: Just saying.

Nell: Well, don’t. You’re not helping.

Me: Lionel is still here, too. Frying away in a jaunty hat and an apron with a seagull on it. Bad lion.

Nell: There has to be a valid reason for him to behave like this.

Me: Yes. Badness. Herr Hoffmann is terribly upset.

Nell: We all are. David lives for bacon.

Me: Herr Hoffmann is sad about Lionel, but Dave will be suffering from bacon withdrawal. Poor Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: And it doesn’t help that the whole of the beach car park is full of people and animals eating bacon baps.

Me: Some people don’t know a bap is a bread roll.

Nell: They’re still eating them.

Me: No. I meant it isn’t called a bap everywhere.

Nell: That Cavalier King Charles Spaniel has eaten two since we got here.

Me: It’s probably hungry. I know I am.

Nell: Is that Irish Wolfhound carrying a bacon baguette?

Me: Maybe the Beefies are branching out?

Nell: Baguettes are French.

Me: I know.

Nell: NOIR is based in France.

Me: The Notorious Organisation of International Rooks?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Do you think they’re involved?

Nell: They usually are.

Me: Maybe this is one of the leads Sally was talking about?

Nell: Sally never talks about anything. We surmise.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: The good thing about walking on the beach is even on grey days it’s still invigorating.

Nell: I agree.

Me: Did we find out who stole the bacon?

Nell: I believe Sally has a few leads.

Me: I’m wearing one around my neck right now.

Nell: Very funny.

Me: I hope we don’t lose any more bacon. The Welsh Corgi Choir could hardly sing once they arrived and the llamas were listless.

Nell: There’s nothing worse than a listless llama.

Me: I know. Much as I complain about their exuberance I would far rather they were cartwheeling than moping around in pyjamas.

Nell: Rupert went out earlier this morning with Frau Hoffmann to fetch some bacon so there might be bacon sandwiches waiting for us when we get home.

Me: I hope so. It would be the perfect start to the week.

Nell: I don’t believe it.

Me: No, it really would. I can even smell bacon just thinking about it.

Nell: Look over there in the car park next to the Gastrobus.

Me: Where? Oh, that food van wasn’t there earlier.

Nell: Look at the sign.

Me: ‘Beefy Bacon Baps. The Best in Devon.’

Nell: It’s absolutely outrageous.

Me: There’s quite a queue. Unusual for a Monday.

Nell: They’ve probably been advertising. I thought I heard them shouting ‘bacon’ this morning when I went into the garden.

Me: Yes. I heard that, too, but I thought they were just being mean.

Nell: They were.

Me: You’re not going to like this. Look who’s cooking the bacon.

Nell: Lionel King?

Me: I told you he was a baddy, Nell. He probably stole it.

Nell: I’m so disappointed. I thought he’d finally changed.

Me: I’m afraid he’s been lion to us the whole time.

Nell: Too early.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: I know it’s Sunday and it’s cold outside but all this lazing around simply won’t do.

Me: Sundays are supposed to be lazy days.

Nell: Nigel’s refusing to get off the sofa. Harriet’s lounging around on your chair and David has fallen asleep in front of the fire. Again.

Me: That’s fine, Nell. Sunday Songs isn’t for a while yet.

Nell: I know, but vegetables still need peeling for the Sunday roast and David is on kitchen duty.

Me: He’ll get up as soon as he smells the bacon.

Nell: No, he won’t. There isn’t any bacon.

Me: No bacon?

Nell: No.

Me: On a Sunday?

Nell: Yes.

Me: But we always have bacon sandwiches on Sundays.

Nell: Not today.

Me: Did Herr Hoffmann forget to order any?

Nell: Frau Hoffmann did the ordering and she says there was a big pack in the refrigerator the last time she looked.

Me: Someone must have stolen it.

Nell: Check on top of the wardrobe.

Me: Don’t be silly.

Nell: I wouldn’t be surprised if that Stuffed Tiger is hiding it.

Me: The Stuffed Tiger can’t move.

Nell: It’s sly and secretive.

Me: Has Mothew seen anything?

Nell: He’s still asleep.

Me: Actually, you might have a point. An awful lot of them are still asleep this morning, or at least tired.

Nell: The llamas are still in pyjamas.

Me: And the Welsh Corgi Choir?

Nell: No sign of them yet.

Me: How strange? They’re usually here by now.

Nell: We’re usually eating bacon sandwiches by now.

Me: Could the two be linked?

Nell: Missing bacon and sleepiness?

Me: It’s an awfully disappointing start to a Sunday. Nobody wants to get out of bed for cereal.

Nell: This smells of a Sunday Sabotage to me.

Me: You might be right. Sorry.