Me: We need to talk about Dave.
Nell: He’s not back on the fish again, is he?
Me: No, but he’s turning into a bit of a diva.
Nell: What do you mean?
Me: He wants me to hand-feed him.
Nell: I beg your pardon?
Me: He likes it if I give him his food from my hand.
Nell: I know what hand- feeding is. Unbelievable.
Me: If I don’t do it, he likes me to say ‘Good Boy’ while he eats.
Nell: Good grief.
Me: Kev says it’s nonsense and I should ignore it.
Nell: Kev’s right.
Me: He thinks Dave might be a little bit spoilt.
Nell: What do you think?
Me: He’s my Big Brave Beautiful Boy.
Nell: David is taking advantage of you.
Me: He caught a pheasant yesterday with a soft mouth and let it go.
Nell: I expect the pheasant was relieved.
Me: It was. But it shows he can be a very good boy.
Nell: When he wants to be.
Me: Yes.
Nell: The hand-feeding needs to stop. He’s not a llama.
Me: They do enjoy a carrot.
Nell: I think all the attention from the Beefies has gone to his head.
Me: Maybe. Or he’s missing the fish?
Nell: What?
Me: I’m considering offering him sardines on toast for breakfast.
Nell: Hand-fed?
Me: It’s the easiest way.
Nell: What did you have for dinner yesterday?
Me: Smoked haddock fish cakes. They were delicious.
Nell: And what about this evening?
Me: Tuna pasta.
Nell: And tomorrow?
Me: I rather fancy some cod.
Nell: They’ve got you, too.
Me: What are you talking about?
Nell: You’ve gone all fishy and now you’re turning David into a diva.
Me: Don’t be silly.
Nell: Stop eating fish and spoiling David.
Me: I don’t want to. Sorry.
