Nell: How are you feeling today?

Me: Exhausted. Nobody talks about the physical side of grief. It’s like dragging around a heavy weight all the time.

Nell: Yes.

Me: I’m struggling to do anything at the moment.

Nell: I’m afraid you and Kev have to go into town today to find him a suit for the funeral. He wants to look his best for Alex.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Did you still manage to find your pocketful of happiness?

Me: I did. Kev and I had booked the activity field for you all to have a good run and it was pouring with rain so I wasn’t looking forward to it.

Nell: Neither was I.

Me: But just before we left the skies cleared and the sun shone the whole time we were there.

Nell: It did.

Me: And watching you dogs enjoying yourselves in the sunshine really lifted my spirits for a while.

Nell: Good.

Me: Spring is usually one of my favourite times of the year. Everything is beginning again. The trees are starting to blossom and sunnier days are ahead.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: Only this time it feels different, Nell.

Nell: I understand.

Me: Instead of a beginning there has been an ending.

Nell: Yes.

Me: And grey skies and rain feel more appropriate somehow.

Nell: Alex wouldn’t want you to feel like this.

Me: Wouldn’t she?

Nell: No. Life has to go on. It’s there to be lived.

Me: I miss her so much. She was my baby sister. I was supposed to look after her and keep her safe.

Nell: There’s nothing you could have done.

Me: I’m not so sure.

Nell: You were there by her side and she knew she was loved. Try and hold on to that thought.

Me: I’ll try. Thank you.

Me: Do you know the actor Richard E Grant?

Nell: I’m not sure I do.

Me: He lost his beloved wife Joan to cancer in 2021 and knowing how much he would be grieving she challenged him to find a pocketful of happiness in every day.

Nell: A difficult task.

Me: But that’s what he does. He’s overwhelmed by grief but still finds things to make him smile every day.

Nell: Brave man.

Me: I’m going to try and do that too.

Nell: Good for you.

Me: Yesterday was an extremely difficult day. I felt completely lost and spent the day in tears.

Nell: I know you did.

Me: I had to find photos of Alex for the funeral and it completely broke me to see her smiling face and know I will never see it again.

Nell: That’s understandable.

Me: But today I’m determined to find my pocketful of happiness.

Nell: I’m glad.

Me: And it’s Poppy and Dave playing tug of war with the tea towel.

Nell: Are they doing that again?

Me: Yes. Poppy hangs on for dear life and she’s so strong.

Nell: She is.

Me: Dave could win easily but he doesn’t. He just gently pulls.

Nell: I know. David is a very gentle animal.

Me: And sometimes Poppy even wins.

Nell: Yes. She’s always extremely proud when that happens.

Me: And it’s only because Dave lets it happen.

Nell: He likes to make her happy.

Me: Yes. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: How about a nice cup of Earl Grey by the fire?

Me: Do we have one?

Nell: Yes. We don’t really need it but it’s raining and Kev thought you might like it.

Me: I would.

Nell: Sitting with you by the fire is my pocketful of happiness.

Me: Thank you.

Me: How long have you been watching over me?

Nell: Quite a while. You needed to sleep.

Me: It’s Easter Sunday, isn’t it?

Nell: Yes.

Me: I can’t really say Happy Easter but I do wish Easter love to everyone.

Nell: We all do.

Me: I hope everyone is celebrating with their families and having a wonderful day.

Nell: I’m sure they are in some form or another.

Me: I’m glad Alex’s three children are all together. This is such a difficult time for them.

Nell: It is and they’re being very brave.

Me: At least the sun is shining again which is always a comfort. The fields look beautiful.

Nell: The Welsh corgi choir are dedicating Sunday Songs to Alex.

Me: She loved Easter Sunday.

Nell: We thought you might like a walk in the activity field later. The beach will be far too busy.

Me: Yes, I’m not sure I can deal with lots of people at the moment.

Nell: No.

Me: Charlotte sent me some photos of Alex as a child. She was such a happy little girl.

Nell: Precious memories.

Me: I’m not finding today very easy, Nell.

Nell: I know you’re not. It’s okay not to be okay.

Me: I miss her so much. I can’t believe she won’t be arriving soon to share a Sunday roast and tell me all about the things she’s been doing.

Nell; You can still talk to her you know. She’s listening.

Me: Charlotte and I were saying that she seemed so calm in her final moments. We’re hoping this was because our mother came to guide her.

Nell: I’m sure she did. The hospice nurses believe that someone you loved very much comes back to help you on your final journey.

Me: That’s a comforting thought. Thank you.

Me: I’m glad we went to the activity field.

Nell: So am I.

Me: You dogs were able to stretch your legs and enjoy the sunshine.

Nell: And you and Kev walked around the field quietly hand in hand.

Me: We did. It was a little haven of peace.

Nell: It’s so busy down here at the moment that going down to the sea isn’t really an option.

Me: No. I was thinking how for me the world has stopped since Alex died but for others the world is still turning.

Nell: Life goes on.

Me: Yes. It has to.

Nell: It’s Easter weekend and the sun is shining. People are enjoying their holiday.

Me: And I’m genuinely pleased that they are.

Nell: I know.

Me: I’m finding all the messages of support hugely comforting. People are so kind.

Nell: Yes, they are. You just have to let them.

Me: I learnt that when I had my cancer diagnosis.

Nell: It’s important to reach out to others.

Me: It is and so many have lost loved ones. My heart goes out to them.

Nell: It was lovely to see Charlotte, Naughty Nigel and Boo.

Me: Yes. We talked about Panda and our happy memories of her.

Nell: Poppy is going to make a roast on Easter Sunday and Charlotte is going to join us.

Me: That’s nice.

Nell: It’s important that you girls spend time together.

Me: ‘The girls’ is what my mother always said when she was talking about us.

Nell: She did.

Me: Only now there are only two of us. Not three.

Nell: Yes.

Me: How did we get here? Why did we have to lose her so soon?

Nell: Life can be cruel.

Me: We’re broken without her, Nell.

Nell: I know and I’m so sorry.

Nell: Are you sure you want to do this?

Me: Yes. This is a journey we’ve been on together.

Nell: Please take your time. Make sure you drink your tea before it gets cold and snuggle up to David. He has clean, brushed fur. Well, cleanish.

Me: I will.

Nell: You can say as much or as little as you like. We are here.

Me: I know.

Nell: Now, first you wanted to say thank you to everyone for all their kind messages.

Me: Yes, thank you so much. I read each and every one of them and it’s a genuine comfort to know so many people care.

Nell: They do. It was a dreadful shock to us all when Alex died as she seemed to be improving.

Me: I know. When I received the call on Wednesday evening telling me to come to the hospital to say goodbye I couldn’t believe it.

Nell: But you got there in time.

Me: I did. We were by her bedside when she finally slipped away.

Nell: I’m so glad you were there.

Me: Yes. She was surrounded by her family telling her how much she was loved.

Nell: It must have been heartbreaking.

Me: It was one of the saddest moments of my life. She was only 58.

Nell: I know.

Me: Her children were incredibly brave but losing their mother like this is devastating for them.

Nell: Of course.

Me: Her grandson Tobias keeps asking for her. He loved his granny so much.

Nell: She’d only just been up to Edinburgh to visit him, hadn’t she?

Me: Yes. Her daughter Abi said they’d had a lovely time together.

Nell: Precious memories.

Me: So many. I can’t believe she’s gone.

Nell: Time to rest.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: No sorries. Not today.

Me: It was a good idea to go over to River Beach as well yesterday.

Nell: Yes. It was right to make the most of the sunny weather.

Me: I’d completely forgotten about Easter and all the tourists. When we came round the corner onto main beach I was amazed.

Nell: You’ve had other things on your mind. Any news from the hospital?

Me: My sister Charlotte saw Alex yesterday and she said Alex was very upset about them putting the tube back in.

Nell: It’s very hard for her.

Me: Yes. She’s in pain and she just wants it gone.

Nell: I’m sure they will remove it soon.

Me: I hope so. Talking of pain, I’m glad Davey had a lovely swim with Harriet.

Nell: His name is David.

Me: And you went in too.

Nell: I like swimming at River Beach.

Me: Even Poppy had a paddle.

Nell: We all enjoyed it.

Me: It was definitely the right thing to do.

Nell: Yes. It certainly lifted our spirits.

Me: Everyone was enjoying the sunshine.

Nell: I’m glad you put on your sunscreen and wore a hat.

Me: I’m going to be very careful, Nell. Don’t worry.

Nell: Good.

Me: Kev and I wanted Dave to have a good long walk before he saw the vet as we knew he would be on bed rest after they removed the nail.

Nell: David doesn’t do bed rest.

Me: He can’t go on walks for a while.

Nell: Good luck with telling him that.

Me: There’s nothing to be done. I’ll stay back with him and make sure he has lots of treats.

Nell: Treats need to be earned otherwise they lose their significance.

Me: I don’t see you refusing one.

Nell: No self respecting Labrador ever would.

Me: True. Sorry.

Me: Is that Alice’s blanket you’re lying on?

Nell: It might be.

Me: No need to look guilty. I can’t bring myself to move Faye’s shoes from the window sill.

Nell: I noticed.

Me: Knitwear Wolf gave that blanket to Alice.

Nell: I know.

Me: He’s such a kind and caring animal.

Nell: Yes.

Me: And so patient.

Nell: Don’t start. I’m afraid David’s going to have to go to the vets.

Me: Why?

Nell: He injured his toe playing football with the llamas.

Me: Oh no.

Nell: He split his nail.

Me: Poor darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: He’s in the kitchen now being comforted with a cuddle from Harriet and a bacon sandwich.

Me: Honestly, it’s just one thing after another. And I seem to have no energy at all.

Nell: You’re just tired.

Me: My get up and go seems to have got up and gone.

Nell: It’ll come back. Any news from the hospital about your sister?

Me: Yes. They removed the tube yesterday but she simply wasn’t strong enough to manage on her own so they’ve had to put it back in.

Nell: Oh dear.

Me: They’ve sedated her to help her cope and say they will try and remove it again in the next few days.

Nell: Poor Alex. That procedure is painful.

Me: Yes. I hate to think of her suffering.

Nell: I know. She’s been through a lot but she’s a fighter and she will get through this.

Me: I hope so.

Nell: I think a walk on the beach is what you need. Being by the sea always puts thing in perspective.

Me: It does. It’s my happy place.

Nell: We have a great deal to be thankful for. Living where we do surrounded by love.

Me: You’re right. Sorry.

Nell: You need to have a word with David.

Me: Why?

Nell: His breakfast service was sloppy and now he’s lying on the sofa in an extremely ungainly way.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: And Harriet isn’t much better.

Me: They’re probably exhausted after the children’s visit. I know I am.

Nell: You’re an ageing granny and drove to Bristol and back. What’s their excuse?

Me: Less of the ageing granny, thank you. There’s life in the old dog yet.

Nell: Less of the old dog, please.

Me: Leave the puppies alone, Nell. They’re probably missing the family.

Nell: I’m missing them too. You don’t see me lounging around.

Me: Weren’t you fast asleep on the sofa?

Nell: No. I was resting my eyes.

Me: Of course.

Nell: Is there any news from the hospital?

Me: Yes. Alex is extremely exhausted and sleeping most of the time. Moving from isolation to the Intensive Care Unit ward has tired her out.

Nell: Understandable.

Me: They’re hoping to remove the breathing tube today, or tomorrow, which means she’ll be able to speak to us.

Nell: That’s an important step.

Me: And if there are no complications she might be out of ICU in a week.

Nell: That’s very good news.

Me: I really hope they remove the tube. I’ll be so glad when she can tell me how she’s feeling.

Nell: Remember this is all going to take time and there might be setbacks along the way.

Me: I know.

Nell: I just want you to manage your expectations.

Me: Why was Dave’s breakfast service sloppy?

Nell: He burnt the toast and got butter all over his paws.

Me: I thought he was on eggs.

Nell: We never have eggs on a Monday. It’s a toast and marmalade day.

Me: Oh yes. Sorry.

Nell: I know you’re sad to be saying goodbye but August isn’t far away.

Me: You’re right. It’s not like the Covid years when I had no idea when I’d see them again.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: It’s been so wonderful having them here.

Nell: Yes. Family time was exactly what was needed.

Me: It was.

Nell: And everyone still had a lovely time.

Me: I hope so.

Nell: Are you sure I shouldn’t accompany you to the airport?

Me: There’s no room, Nell, and it’s over 2 hours each way.

Nell: I just wanted you to know I was willing.

Me: I appreciate it.

Nell: I don’t like to think of you driving back all alone.

Me: Don’t worry about me.

Nell: We shall all be waiting with lots of cuddles.

Me: Lovely.

Nell: David has asked for a hair brush so his coat is nice and glossy.

Me: It’s always glossy.

Nell: He wants to look his best. As Chief Cuddler he has responsibilities.

Me: Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: We’d also like to thank everyone for all the cups of Earl Grey you bought us.

Me: Yes. It really means an awful lot. Thank you so much.

Nell: Is there any news about Alex?

Me: Yes. They’ve moved her out of isolation onto the intensive care ward.

Nell: Good.

Me: I think the move tired her out as she was sleeping when her children visited.

Nell: She needs her rest.

Me: Yes. The nurse told me that breathing is exhausting for her which is why she still has the breathing tube as a support.

Nell: Whatever’s best.

Me: So, it’s time to say goodbye to Alice and the children now, Nell.

Nell: Not goodbye. Auf Wiedersehen. I’ll be seeing them again soon.

Me: Yes, you will. Sorry.

Me: Faye is going to miss ‘her dogs’.

Nell: We’re going to miss her too but it’s not that long until August.

Me: I’m glad the sun is shining for them today. Yesterday was awful.

Nell: It was a little rainy. Now, tell us about your visit to Alex.

Me: She’s doing so much better. Her eyes are open and she definitely knew it was me.

Nell: Wonderful.

Me: She nodded her head a little and wiggled her toes. Kev wants to take up tap dancing and he said he and Panda are going to learn together.

Nell: Panda is your name for Alex?

Me: Yes. When he said ‘Come on Panda, I need a tap dance partner’ her eyes crinkled a bit so I think she was smiling.

Nell: She’ll be able to smile properly once they remove the ventilator.

Me: I know. I just hate seeing her like that and knowing I can’t do anything.

Nell: You can. She knows she is loved.

Me: And Kev made her smile.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: And she moved her arm onto her chest on her own which the nurse hadn’t seen her do before.

Nell: Good for her.

Me: And her daughter was there this morning and she was interacting with her and even tried to blow her a kiss goodbye.

Nell: This is all wonderful news.

Me: It is. I told her again about all the messages of love and support and I’m sure she heard me.

Nell: Talking of support, today is the 1st April so we need to post the link to the site where people can buy you a cup of Earl Grey.

Me: I never like asking people.

Nell: That’s why I’m doing it. It’s https://www.buymeacoffee.com/saramartin and your support is much appreciated.

Me: Thank you. Sorry.