Nell: How are you feeling today?
Me: Exhausted. Nobody talks about the physical side of grief. It’s like dragging around a heavy weight all the time.
Nell: Yes.
Me: I’m struggling to do anything at the moment.
Nell: I’m afraid you and Kev have to go into town today to find him a suit for the funeral. He wants to look his best for Alex.
Me: Yes.
Nell: Did you still manage to find your pocketful of happiness?
Me: I did. Kev and I had booked the activity field for you all to have a good run and it was pouring with rain so I wasn’t looking forward to it.
Nell: Neither was I.
Me: But just before we left the skies cleared and the sun shone the whole time we were there.
Nell: It did.
Me: And watching you dogs enjoying yourselves in the sunshine really lifted my spirits for a while.
Nell: Good.
Me: Spring is usually one of my favourite times of the year. Everything is beginning again. The trees are starting to blossom and sunnier days are ahead.
Nell: Exactly.
Me: Only this time it feels different, Nell.
Nell: I understand.
Me: Instead of a beginning there has been an ending.
Nell: Yes.
Me: And grey skies and rain feel more appropriate somehow.
Nell: Alex wouldn’t want you to feel like this.
Me: Wouldn’t she?
Nell: No. Life has to go on. It’s there to be lived.
Me: I miss her so much. She was my baby sister. I was supposed to look after her and keep her safe.
Nell: There’s nothing you could have done.
Me: I’m not so sure.
Nell: You were there by her side and she knew she was loved. Try and hold on to that thought.
Me: I’ll try. Thank you.
I too lost my younger sister far too soon. Just keep going on — it never really heals, but it does become bearable. Nell is right.
So sorry. X