Me: I’m very late writing this today.

Nell: I know. We decided to let you lie in. After the last few weeks you need as much sleep as you can get.

Me: Poppy is giving me one of her looks. I know she needs a haircut but she looks adorably piratey when she’s fluffy.

Nell: There’s no such word. Poppy is just worried about you. We all are.

Me: I’m fine, Nell. I’m just tired.

Nell: No, you’re not. You were wheezing and coughing all night and you’re running a fever.

Me: I might have caught a cold, or it could be hay fever.

Nell: You’re going to have to take it easy today. No arguments.

Me: I’ll do my best but Shel is visiting and he’s my pocketful of happiness.

Nell: You’d better explain to everyone who Shel is then.

Me: Shel is a very dear friend from Vancouver in Canada. He’s like one of our family. We only see him a couple of times a year so this is a precious time.

Nell: Yes, it is but he’s here until Tuesday so we’ve plenty of time.

Me: I’m sure I’ll feel better later. I’m just going to have to rest a bit for now.

Nell: You’d better.

Me: Don’t worry.

Nell: I do worry. Now, drink your tea and stop talking. Today’s conversation is going to be a short one and everyone will understand why.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: It was such a beautiful service. The church was completely full. So many people came to celebrate Alex and say their goodbyes.

Nell: She was greatly loved.

Me: She would have been genuinely surprised and touched to see all those people and hear the lovely things they said about her.

Nell: Yes, she would. Did you read your poem?

Me: I did. Through tears I’m afraid but I did it.

Nell: Kev was beside you.

Me: He was.

Nell: So were we all in spirit. We waited by the window all day.

Me: Bless you. Her children bravely shared their memories of her. She would have been so proud of them.

Nell: She would.

Me: Charlotte read a piece from ‘Jonathan Livingstone Seagull’ which she used to read to Alex.

Nell: A wise and lovely book.

Me: Her eldest son made a slide show and seeing photos of her young and happy broke my heart.

Nell: That’s understandable.

Me: They played Elton John’s ‘Tiny Dancer’ and everyone came up to the front of the church with flowers they had been given on arrival and put them in vases.

Nell: Beautiful.

Me: There were flowers everywhere. So many bright colours.

Nell: Did you manage to find a pocketful of happiness?

Me: Yes. In the hugs and love from dear friends and family.

Nell: Good.

Me: And in the love everyone had for Alex. It was overwhelming.

Nell: I’m sure it was.

Me: After the service we drove into the woods to a little cafe by the castle with close family and friends and celebrated her again with afternoon tea.

Nell: She would have liked that.

Me: And the sun came out and shone through the trees.

Nell: She was there with you.

Me: Yes. I think she was. Thank you.

Today I say a final goodbye to my little sister Alex.

Panda, this poem is for you. X

‘My darling little sister

I love you more than words can say.

I hope you know you’re in my thoughts

Every hour of every day.

So many happy memories

Of times we spent together.

I thought there would be many more.

I thought you’d live forever.

But this was not to be dear Pand

You left us far too soon.

Just know that you are dearly loved

All the way to the moon

And back.

You’re in our hearts for ever.

Love like this will never die.

Never, never, never.’

Me: I’m afraid I’m a bit of a mess today. Sorry.

Nell: No sorries. Not now.

Me: I can’t seem to stop crying.

Nell: Then don’t. Cry as much as you like.

Me: Alex was only 58. That’s far too young to die.

Nell: It is.

Me: Her little grandson Tobias turned 3 yesterday.

Nell: I know.

Me: She was so proud of him.

Nell: She was.

Me: He’s such a happy child and a real bundle of joy.

Nell: Yes.

Me: She loved him so much and he adored her.

Nell: He did.

Me: She was a wonderful grandmother.

Nell: She was.

Me: Her daughter is heartbroken that Alex isn’t going to be in his life any longer.

Nell: She’s watching over them now.

Me: But she should be here. This is so unfair.

Nell: I’m afraid life isn’t always fair.

Me: Tobias keeps asking where she is.

Nell: It’s hard for a child to understand.

Me: I’m not sure I can find a pocketful of happiness today.

Nell: I think you can if you really try.

Me: Walking on our beach with you all is something to be grateful for.

Nell: Yes, it is. We’re very lucky to live where we do.

Me: And I’m surrounded by love.

Nell: You are.

Me: How am I going to get through tomorrow?

Nell: Just trust in yourself. You’re much stronger than you think.

Me: My sister Charlotte is devastated. She and Alex were very close in years.

Nell: They were.

Me: I need to be there for her tomorrow.

Nell: You will be. She knows that.

Me: And for Alex’s three children.

Nell: You will get through this. I promise you. You’re not doing this alone.

Me: I know.

Nell: We’re right here by your side.

Me: Yes. Thank you.

Me: I’m struggling today, Nell.

Nell: I know you are and it’s completely understandable. Your little sister’s funeral is in two days.

Me: I managed to find a tiny pocketful of happiness when my darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy brought me his favourite toy.

Nell: Are you taking about the colourful ring?

Me: Yes. It was a bit wet and slimy but still ever so kind of him to share it with me.

Nell: David loves chewing on that thing.

Me: Kev says it makes him look like one of those lion door knockers.

Nell: It keeps him busy.

Me: You’ve never really been one for toys.

Nell: I prefer a good book myself.

Me: Such a sophisticated animal.

Nell: Thank you. Now, you didn’t manage to get to your hair appointment on Friday so Sophie has managed to fit you in tomorrow morning.

Me: That’s kind of her.

Nell: She’s completely aware of what’s going on.

Me: I hope I don’t break down.

Nell: You probably will but that’s fine. There’s the quiet room and you’ll be well looked after.

Me: I need to look my best for Alex.

Nell: I know you do.

Me: I can’t believe she’s gone, Nell. I’ll be doing something normal like making a bed, or washing up, and it will hit me like a hammer.

Nell: It’s hard to accept.

Me: I’m never going to see her again.

Nell: I know.

Me: Even though she was the youngest she had such a sensible head on her. She was the one I knew would give me sensible advice.

Nell: Yes.

Me: How am I going to manage without her?

Nell: You will.

Me: It’s hard to believe at the moment.

Nell: One step at a time.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: No sorries. Not today.

Me: My pocketful of happiness today is seeing Harriet on the beach. She comes to life as soon as she sets paw on it.

Nell: Harriet loves the sea.

Me: She doesn’t stop running the whole time we’re there. It’s a joy to behold.

Nell: The beach is our happy place.

Me: Yes. Looking at the sea puts everything into perspective and I remember I’m just a small part of something so much bigger.

Nell: You’re quite a big part in my eyes.

Me: I’m afraid some people think the funeral was yesterday because of my comments about what to wear.

Nell: That’s ok.

Me: It’s actually on Wednesday. I just want to be absolutely prepared so that’s why I’m already sorting out my clothes.

Nell: I’m the same. I like to have everything organised. Talking of organised, today is Sunday and the Welsh corgi choir are dedicating Sunday Songs to Alex again.

Me: That’s very kind of them.

Nell: The llamas asked me to let you know that everyone is waiting in the wings for when you are ready.

Me: How thoughtful.

Nell: They realise now might not be the time but they want you to know they are there.

Me: I appreciate that.

Nell: Rupert has left a soft knitted blanket for you on your chair in case you need to snuggle up.

Me: Bless him. You’re all very thoughtful.

Nell: We love you and you’re hurting.

Me: I am and I love you all too.

Nell: David says the blanket is unnecessary as he is more than enough.

Me: Is he jealous of a blanket?

Nell: He sees himself as your protector.

Me: Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Foolish animal.

Me: Why?

Nell: I’m your protector and always will be.

Me: Yes, I know. Thank you.

Me: My little pocketful of happiness today is sitting in bed looking out at the sun on the fields with Harriet.

Nell: It’s a really beautiful day.

Me: And in contrast my other view is of my black clothes for the funeral hanging on the wardrobe with a selection of scarves as Alex loved bright colours.

Nell: She did.

Me: I don’t know which scarf to choose.

Nell: Any of them will be fine.

Me: It has to be the right one.

Nell: There isn’t a wrong one.

Me: I just want to look my best for her.

Nell: I know you do. Why don’t you put your funeral clothes on later with the various scarves and we will decide on one together?

Me: That’s a good idea.

Nell: Yes, so no need to think about it now. Just try and relax a little and enjoy the sunshine.

Me: I think I’m probably going to choose the flowery scarf.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: That’s a strange saying, isn’t it? Because there’s nothing good at all about grief.

Nell: I think you’re wrong. Grief is just love with nowhere to go.

Me: But it hurts so much, Nell.

Nell: I know and it’s right that it does.

Me: I suppose so.

Nell: That’s why you need to be kind to yourself at the moment.

Me: Yes.

Nell: And why finding those pocketfuls of happiness is so important.

Me: Yes.

Nell: So, how about a nice cup of tea and some hot buttered toast?

Me: That sounds good.

Nell: Saturday Kitchen is on television later and we can all watch it together. It’s David’s favourite programme.

Me: Alex loved Saturday Kitchen too.

Nell: Yes, she did. You can do this you know. I’m sure of it.

Me: Yes, I can. Thank you.

Me: It was good to be back on the beach again.

Nell: Yes.

Me: My pocketful of happiness was being there with you all.

Nell: Good.

Me: When your life changes completely like mine has done you expect everything to change.

Nell: I know.

Me: But Harriet still runs into the sea. Poppy barks at every dog. Dave rubs his face in the sand and you and Kev gaze at the island.

Nell: Yes.

Me: And even though I was worried there would be too many people it was actually lovely to see so many families enjoying themselves.

Nell: It was.

Me: And we met another dog called Nelly.

Nell: I’m not called Nelly.

Me: I call you that sometimes and so does Kev. You’re our Nelly Noodle.

Nell: That’s different.

Me: We’ve only got a few more weeks on our beach before restrictions start.

Nell: River Beach is still a joy and it’s easier to swim.

Me: True.

Nell: Now, you’re having your hair done this afternoon.

Me: I know. I don’t really want to go. I’m not in a good place.

Nell: Just tell Sophie what’s happened and she will look after you.

Me: Yes.

Nell: People are very kind if you let them be.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: And Sophie has a quiet room where you can go if it gets too much.

Me: She does.

Nell: Your book is on display there so you can always look through it if you’re missing my wise words.

Me: Now you’re teasing me.

Nell: Only gently. Just because you’re sad doesn’t mean you can’t smile now and again.

Me: You’re right. It’s just that the sun has gone behind the clouds for me at the moment.

Nell: I know, but it’s still there waiting for you.

Me: Thank you.

Me: I’ve never seen an animal enjoy being stroked more than Dave.

Nell: He does love attention.

Me: It sends him into a happy daze. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: David lives for a good cuddle.

Me: That’s probably why he gives such good cuddles himself.

Nell: Maybe.

Me: I’m thankful for all the cuddles I can get at the moment.

Nell: I know you are and we dogs are happy to oblige.

Me: Yes. Even you. That night when I got home from the hospital after Alex died you sat with me in my armchair.

Nell: I did.

Me: And you never usually do that.

Nell: You needed me.

Me: I did.

Nell: So I was there.

Me: You were.

Nell: Yesterday was all about flowers.

Me: Yes, it was. My pocketful of happiness was a beautiful bouquet of flowers from Chris and Shannon.

Nell: They are lovely.

Me: And so is the message.

Nell: Yes.

Me: Even though they are far away I know they are thinking of me.

Nell: Of course they are.

Me: Yes.

Nell: And then your sister Charlotte came over for a cup of tea.

Me: She did and we looked at flowers for Alex’s coffin.

Nell: Yes.

Me: Charlotte and I have chosen some from us both.

Nell: You’re Alex’s big sisters and she’d like that.

Me: She loved flowers.

Nell: Yes. She did.

Me: How can she be gone, Nell?

Nell: I think a walk on the beach is called for.

Me: What about all the tourists?

Nell: There’s more than enough beach for everyone.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: Your late mother always said there’s nothing like a sea breeze to blow your troubles away.

Me: I’m not sure they’ll blow away.

Nell: But it will help.

Me: Yes. Thank you.

Nell: Has David taken Faye’s little clog again?

Me: Leave him be. Watching the puppies sleep is my pocketful of happiness today.

Nell: You had a bad night, didn’t you? I heard you pacing around.

Me: Yes, I couldn’t sleep.

Nell: Was it the announcement of Alex’s memorial on 19th April?

Me: Yes. Her children have done so well with it but seeing her smiling face and then the short dates of her life was absolutely heartbreaking.

Nell: It must have been.

Me: Her children asked me if there is anything I want to say at the funeral.

Nell: What did you say?

Me: I told them I would like to write a poem for her but I wasn’t sure I would be able to read it.

Nell: That’s fine. They will understand.

Me: They did. Bless them.

Nell: And did you write the poem?

Me: Yes. I sent it to them and they love it.

Nell: Then so will she.

Me: I hope so.

Nell: I know so.

Me: I thought I would share it with everyone here on the day of her funeral.

Nell: That’s a good idea. Did you manage to get Kev’s suit?

Me: Yes. It was so loud and bright in the department store. All I wanted to do was leave as quickly as I could.

Nell: It can seem that way when you’re stressed.

Me: Kev will look very smart in it. Alex would have approved.

Nell: I’m sure.

Me: She always loved bright colours so we’re all going to add a splash of colour.

Nell: Perfect.

Me: I know it’s important to say goodbye and I want to celebrate Alex’s life but I’m dreading her funeral, Nell.

Nell: Of course you are. You loved her. You can do this.

Me: Yes. Thank you.