Me: I don’t think Harriet should run off ahead like that.

Nell: Don’t worry. She’s singing ‘Who let the dogs out?’ with extra barking and David’s singing the chorus.

Me: Nevertheless.

Nell: Now, I have Good News and Bad News regarding the snake situation.

Me: Can I have the Good News first, please?

Nell: Beauregard is completely on board with the whole idea of accompanying us to the beach.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: He’s even been practising his most winning Tiger Smile.

Me: Everyone’s going to love that.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: I was joking. A Tiger Smile is terrifying.

Nell: Nonsense.

Me: If this is the Good News I’m not sure I want to hear the Bad News, but tell me.

Nell: Oliver is scared of snakes.

Me: Well, that’s a surprise.

Nell: The moment I mentioned them he keeled over and played dead.

Me: I don’t blame him.

Nell: It was very convincing.

Me: He’s not still playing dead, is he?

Nell: Of course not. The trick is to ignore him and just chat amongst yourselves for a while. He soon stops.

Me: I see.

Nell: Anyway, unfortunately Oliver is about as useful as a leaky bowl.

Me: Don’t you mean chocolate teapot?

Nell: Certainly not. Chocolate teapots are highly dangerous.

Me: What are we going to do?

Nell: Fortunately Beauregard is happy to wear a hat, so Plan B can go ahead.

Me: He’ll still be a tiger even if he’s wearing a hat.

Nell: But a tiger with powerful friends.

Me: Do you mean us?

Nell: No. We’re not riding on his hat.

Me: Who is?

Nell: Henry and Horst. They know how to deal with snakes.

Me: Are you sure?

Nell: It’s Henry and Horst the famous snake charmers we’re talking about here.

Me: Right. Sorry.

Me: Dave loves his Neon Green Chew so much. He’s even fallen asleep with it in his mouth. Bless.

Nell: Never mind David. We need to talk snakes.

Me: Must we?

Nell: Peter Jung has had an excellent idea.

Me: One of our followers on Facebook?

Nell: Yes. Peter pointed out that Oliver is extremely good at killing snakes being an opossum and suggested we take him with us on our walks.

Me: We can’t kill the snakes, Nell. They’re protected.

Nell: Of course we can’t. But the snakes don’t know that. When they see Oliver they will slither away.

Me: I’m not sure an opossum on a lead is the way to go.

Nell: Oliver won’t be on a lead.

Me: Won’t he?

Nell: No, Peter had another good idea and you’re going to love this one.

Me: I’m not sure I am.

Nell: Oliver will be riding Beauregard.

Me: The tiger Beauregard who lives in the tree house with Mrs King the lion and little Roary the lion cub?

Nell: Of course. Unless there are other tigers in our vicinity who are friends with an opossum.

Me: What other tigers in our vicinity?

Nell: Focus.

Me: So, let me get this straight. You’re suggesting when we go on our walks to the beach we follow an opossum riding a tiger?

Nell: I didn’t suggest it. Peter did.

Me: Much as I dislike snakes I don’t think we should terrify them, or the rest of the public who just want to enjoy the beach.

Nell: I know opossums aren’t everyone’s cup of tea but terrified is rather extreme.

Me: Oliver would be riding a tiger.

Nell: Beauregard is a pussy cat when you get to know him. Charm personified.

Me: Don’t you mean tigerified?

Nell: Very funny.

Me: Sorry.

Me: What were you doing down on the beach?

Nell: Never you mind.

Me: You were secretly looking for something. You gave me one of your caught in the act looks.

Nell: Did I?

Me: And later you disappeared into the distance. I saw you.

Nell: If you saw me then I can’t have disappeared.

Me: You know what I mean.

Nell: I went to talk to the rabbits, if you must know.

Me: Why?

Nell: You’re asking far too many questions for a Wednesday morning. Don’t you have a writing workshop?

Me: I’ve still got a few minutes before it starts. What’s going on?

Nell: If I tell you I want you to remain calm.

Me: Now you’re worrying me.

Nell: I don’t want any hysterical squealing.

Me: I don’t squeal.

Nell: Not even when someone mentions snakes?

Me: Don’t mention snakes. I’m terrified of them.

Nell: That’s exactly why I didn’t want to mention them but you insisted. Have you seen my handbag?

Me: Why? Is there a snake in it?

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. Snakes can’t stand handbags and neither can crocodiles. I need my reading glasses.

Me: Were you looking for snakes down on the beach?

Nell: Not really.

Me: That’s a relief.

Nell: Snakes usually stay in the undergrowth. They don’t bother much with the beach.

Me: Are you serious?

Nell: Why do you think there are signs everywhere saying ‘Adders’?

Me: Oh yes.

Nell: Anyway, the rabbits say it’s important to let the snakes know you’re coming.

Me: How? By booking an appointment?

Nell: Very funny. Snakes are easily startled so it might be wise to sing next time we walk along the narrower paths.

Me: I don’t want to meet a snake.

Nell: It feels the same way about you.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: We won the May photo competition with my photo of Kev and you labs on Bantham beach. Can you believe it?

Nell: Of course I can. We have loyal fans and they all voted on Instagram.

Me: And now we get free parking at the beach for the rest of the year.

Nell: Excellent news and you didn’t even tell our Facebook followers.

Me: It was on Instagram and not everyone uses it.

Nell: I still think you should tell them next time.

Me: I’m not sure we’re allowed to enter again but yes, I will.

Nell: Good, because it would be nice to see them on Instagram too.

Me: Anyway, I’d like to say a great big thank you to all of you who voted.

Nell: We’re extremely grateful for your support.

Me: I’m not sure I’ve ever won anything before. I’m not the winning type.

Nell: We are though and it was us in the photo.

Me: True.

Nell: You can explain it to Poppy, by the way.

Me: Explain what?

Nell: Why you cut her out of the picture.

Me: I didn’t. She was off camera at the time.

Nell: And all we can see of her is a lonely lead.

Me: Don’t say that.

Nell: If you’d just stepped back a little, or even turned your iBone on its side, Poppy might now be a winner too.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Instead of an Also Ran Off Camera.

Me: The Bantham Estate chose the photo.

Nell: I would get it over with if I were you. Just say, ‘I’m sorry you’re not in the winning photo but at least we can see your lead.’

Me: I’m not going to say that.

Nell: No scones for you today, my friend, just free parking.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: So, we were down by the sea enjoying the view.

Me: Who’s we?

Nell: David and I.

Me: Okay.

Nell: When Harriet starts twirling right in front of us.

Me: Twirling?

Nell: Yes. On her back with legs akimbo.

Me: I love it when she does that. It means she’s really happy.

Nell: Whatever.

Me: There’s nothing better than a happy dog. Stop being such a curmudgeon.

Nell: Try having a deep and meaningful conversation with someone twirling around in front of you.

Me: Was it about Sally staying in London?

Nell: David is well aware of Sally’s huge responsibilities as head of the Secret Service.

Me: It can’t have been easy.

Nell; The conversation was not about David. I was the one who needed to vent.

Me: You?

Nell: Yes. I was greatly disappointed by someone at the Jubilee Celebrations.

Me: Was it the llamas falling over?

Nell: No. Llamas are clumsy creatures but they mean well.

Me: Who then?

Nell: Paddington Bear.

Me: What did he do?

Nell: He was with The Queen drinking tea and comparing marmalade sandwiches.

Me: I know. Everyone does.

Nell: My point exactly. That bear has no concept of the word discretion.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: As you know, I myself often take tea with The Queen but you don’t see me flaunting it to the nation.

Me: Or even the world. The video went viral.

Nell: The Queen is a very private person.

Me: But in this case I think she rather enjoyed herself.

Nell: Are you implying she doesn’t enjoy herself with me?

Me: Of course not. She and Paddington were just having fun and they wanted to share it. Tea with you is her special secret.

Nell: Perhaps I was being a little over sensitive.

Me: You were. Sorry.

Me: Do you know what I like about Sundays?

Nell: I have no idea.

Me: Guess.

Nell: Poppy’s Sunday roast with all the trimmings?

Me: Poppy’s roasts are always a joy but that’s not it.

Nell: Sunday Songs?

Me: Also enjoyable but that’s not it either. Have another guess.

Nell: Would you mind telling me because I’ve got a Jubilee Parade to organise and I haven’t even checked on the llamas yet?

Me: I like the fact that it’s a quiet family day where you can sit back and contemplate the week ahead.

Nell: Well, you can’t do any of that today.

Me: I was just thinking how different you and Poppy are in personality.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: And in the way you approach life and all its challenges.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: You take your time to work things out while Poppy rushes in sword raised.

Nell: We don’t have time for this.

Me: Nowadays you’re more than happy to enjoy the view while resting your weary head on Kev’s foot.

Nell; I beg your pardon?

Me: While Poppy likes to scamper around looking for mischief.

Nell: Poppy doesn’t scamper, she strides, and less of the weary head, please.

Me: You’re a lot quieter than you used to be.

Nell: I am simply aware of the need for breaks now and again.

Me: Exactly.

Nell: But now is not one of them. The carriage is about to arrive and David has mislaid his crown.

Me: Am I going in the carriage?

Nell: Only for kings and queens I’m afraid, but you will be fine in the cart with the corgis.

Me: Will I be singing again?

Nell: Of course and remember to smile and wave. You can do your contemplating when you get home.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Look at darling Marvin. Such a sweet grumpy face.

Nell: Don’t worry. He’s forgiven you.

Me: What have I done?

Nell: You forgot his birthday.

Me: Oh no. Was it yesterday?

Nell: Yes. He turned 3.

Me: There’s been so much going on over the last few days that it completely slipped my mind.

Nell: He knows.

Me: I’m surprised you forgot. You’re usually so organised.

Nell: I didn’t. I skyped him on my iBone.

Me: Why didn’t you tell me?

Nell: It was too late. You’d already gone to bed.

Me: Why didn’t you call him earlier when I was there?

Nell: We were having afternoon tea with the Whippets Institute. You can’t skype with your mouth full.

Me: True.

Nell: And Toronto is 5 hours behind us so I knew I had plenty of time.

Me: I feel dreadful now.

Nell: Don’t worry he understands. You’ve had a difficult few days. I told him you’ll call him today.

Me: Thank you.

Nell: Marvin knows he is loved. That’s all that matters.

Me: Yes, I suppose it is.

Nell: Now, how do you feel about singing at this evening’s Platinum Jubilee concert?

Me: Definitely not, Nell. I haven’t sung on stage for years.

Nell: That’s what I told Gladys.

Me: Thank goodness.

Nell: But she wouldn’t listen.

Me: What?

Nell: So you will be leading everyone in the National Anthem at the start of tonight’s concert.

Me: I can’t.

Nell: Of course you can. The Welsh Corgi Choir will be there to support you.

Me: But I only have a small voice.

Nell: I know which is why Kev, David, Harriet, Poppy and I will be singing alongside you.

Me: Really?

Nell: You didn’t think we’d let you do this alone, did you? We’re family.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: You know that Staring Thing you all do?

Nell: What Staring Thing?

Me: The one where you try to hypnotise me into doing something. Usually into giving you a piece of toast, I might add.

Nell: I don’t know what you are talking about.

Me: You do. You and Harriet are like statues. You are so still. It’s unnerving.

Nell: We are simply being Attentive. It’s The Labrador Way.

Me: Well, it isn’t Dave’s Way.

Nell: I know. David isn’t very good at it at all.

Me: Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. He does try but after a while he gets bored.

Nell: That is still no reason to stick your tongue out and start playing Cheeky Animals.

Me: It made me laugh.

Nell: It ruined the whole effect.

Me: There you and Harriet were laser focussed and watching my every move and Dave just gave up and looked somewhere else.

Nell: I know I told him if he is going to place himself in Prime Position then he must concentrate.

Me: He’s easily distracted, Nell.

Nell: You don’t help.

Me: What have I done now?

Nell: Pretending to ignore us.

Me: Begging shouldn’t be encouraged.

Nell: Begging? How dare you. Labradors don’t beg.

Me: I beg to differ. See what I did there?

Nell: I have no time to share toast with you anyway. The first of today’s Platinum Jubilee Celebrations begins this afternoon and I have flags to fly.

Me: Are you sure you wouldn’t like a small piece?

Nell: If you insist, but then I must check on preparations for this afternoon’s cream tea. Poppy isn’t happy with her scones.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: I’m sure it’s just Jubilee nerves.

Me: It doesn’t sound like Poppy.

Nell: Even the fearless can falter.

Me: You’re right. Sorry.

Me: I think Harriet is making sure I’m not going anywhere today.

Nell: Harriet is simply carrying out orders.

Me: What orders?

Nell: Mine, of course. You are to rest today. We have a whole weekend of Platinum Jubilee celebrations coming up and we need you to be fit and well.

Me: I am fit and well.

Nell: Eat your boiled egg and toast and stop arguing.

Me: I can only manage one egg.

Nell: Don’t worry. David is on paw to assist with any leftovers.

Me: 70 years on the throne is an awfully long time, isn’t it?

Nell: Yes. I can’t see it happening again any time soon.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: Good grief. What on earth are those llamas doing now?

Me: Where?

Nell: In the field.

Me: I can’t get up, Nell. Harriet has me pinned down. What’s going on?

Nell: They are Rolling Corgis. That wasn’t supposed to happen until tomorrow.

Me: Is it a game?

Nell: Yes. First corgi to the bottom of the hill wins.

Me: Do the corgis know?

Nell: Of course they know. They volunteered for some strange reason.

Me: How does it work?

Nell: You wrap a corgi in a red, white and blue blanket and roll it down the hill.

Me: I hope it doesn’t hurt.

Nell: Corgis are well padded and they love it. Can’t you hear them singing as they roll?

Me: It’s more barking than singing.

Nell: What do you expect?

Me: I remember rolling down a hill with my sisters as a child. We loved it too.

Nell: Before you ask, definitely not.

Me: Ask what?

Nell: You are not rolling down a hill.

Me: I’m well padded.

Nell: It’s not happening. You are a 63 year old grandmother. Show some restraint.

Me: Yes. Sorry.