Me: Harriet looks worried.

Nell: I know.

Me: She’s doing that sucking in her lip thing.

Nell: Yes.

Me: Has something happened?

Nell: It’s Poppy and the Easter Terrier.

Me: Which Easter Terrier?

Nell: You know Poppy has been telling the puppies about the Easter Terrier for years.

Me: They are only 2 now, Nell, so it can’t be many years.

Nell: For two years then. Poppy has been telling the puppies that the Easter Terrier waits for the Easter Bunny and boxes its ears if it comes close to dogs.

Me: What an aggressive animal.

Nell: That’s not the point. It is about protecting dogs from chocolate. It is a dangerous time of the year for us like Christmas for Timothy.

Me: I suppose it is.

Nell: That wretched bunny spreads chocolate everywhere. We need protecting.

Me: You do.

Nell: Only this year the Easter Terrier has been asked to maintain social distancing.

Me: Has it?

Nell: And it is not supposed to travel.

Me: It’s definitely not a key worker.

Nell: So we are no longer safe.

Me: Well, the same applies to the Easter Bunny, Nell.

Nell: Rabbits never listen. Everyone knows that.

Me: You know the Easter Bunny isn’t real, though, don’t you?

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: It’s just a story.

Nell: Stop right there. You’ll be telling me Winnie the Pooh isn’t real next, or Peter Pan.

Me: I would never do that.

Nell: I should hope not.

Me: So what is the Easter Terrier going to do?

Nell: Apparently a rather loud ‘Boo’ works too.

Me: Thank goodness for that. We need to keep you dogs safe.

Nell: And you all too, which is why we are staying home this Easter weekend.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Just a story, indeed.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: That was some powerful singing this morning, Nell.

Nell: Thank you.

Me: And so early, too.

Nell: Yes, the sun was shining and the Farm Dogs were in the fields so I thought it would be a good idea to start the day with a song.

Me: Did everyone else agree?

Nell: No. In fact the response was rather disappointing.

Me: Not everyone feels like singing ‘Morning has broken’ before breakfast.

Nell: Singing is good for the lungs and spirits. I don’t want you all turning into a bunch of sluggabeds.

Me: There is no chance of that with you and Gladys around.

Nell: Exactly. Now Poppy has made pancakes for breakfast with maple syrup.

Me: Delicious.

Nell: David and Gladys were flipping them until David ate three by mistake and Gladys had to get ready for her dance class.

Me: Why aren’t you wearing Lycra?

Nell: Lycra is not for me. And having looked around this morning, I think I made the right decision. Have you seen the Welsh corgi choir?

Me: It’s not the most flattering look, is it?

Nell: Let’s just say Lycra is a little unforgiving. We can’t all be whippets.

Me: I love their leg warmers. So colourful.

Nell: But why are they wearing curly wigs?

Me: The Cat says it’s the Flashdance Look.

Nell: Well, you are never going to see me in one.

Me: Talking of wigs, Nell, my hair is growing awfully grey.

Nell: Of course it is. You’re getting older. It’s a badge of honour. I myself am proud of my grey muzzle.

Me: It suits you but I’m not sure grey hair suits me.

Nell: Wear it with pride. It is the real you. And the real us is something we should all be proud of.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I love the way the puppies snuggle into each other.

Nell: Yes.

Me: I’ve been thinking about all the people who are in fear for their loved ones.

Nell: Yes, this is a difficult time. We sent special love and strength to Nicole Lindsay and her mum in Morning Thoughts today.

Me: Good. She must be so worried.

Nell: You’re struggling a little today, aren’t you?

Me: Yes, I am.

Nell: Everyone has days like that. It’s okay not to be okay.

Me: Yes. You’re right.

Nell: But I’m afraid I can’t chat now as we have things to do.

Me: Do we?

Nell: How do you feel about Lycra?

Me: I avoid it whenever possible.

Nell: Gladys and The Cat are launching a Lycra Line in conjunction with the ‘Glide with Gladys’ show.

Me: Well, count me out.

Nell: I already did. They want to cover all shapes and sizes, however. Henry and Horst will be modelling the Perfectly Petite version.

Me: Excuse me? Did you just say modelling?

Nell: And Monty has kindly volunteered to model the Wonderfully Large version.

Me: Don’t you mean XXXL?

Nell: Certainly not. Where is the Body Positive in that?

Me: I don’t think I’ve ever seen a moose in Lycra, let alone a woodlouse. Are there other sizes?

Nell: Yes. We also have Sensationally Small, Somewhere Inbetween, Marvellously Medium, Nearly Large and Definitely Large.

Me: How do you know where Somewhere Inbetween goes?

Nell: Oh you do, believe me. Ask any corgi.

Me: Where is the modelling taking place?

Nell: Here of course. Our Penguin is filming it. All models will maintain social distance.

Me: Life goes on, doesn’t it?

Nell: It has to. We will get through this you know. As long as we do it together.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: David is feeling concerned.

Me: About the Prime Minister being in intensive care?

Nell: Yes, that’s extremely worrying for everyone, especially his family. We always send special love and strength to all those afflicted at Morning Thoughts and he was mentioned.

Me: Good.

Nell: But David is also concerned about a rather strange text from Sally.

Me: What did it say?

Nell: ‘Things are not as they seem. Be on your guard.’

Me: I wish she’d stop sending those. What does it mean?

Nell: I’m not sure, but when he showed it to Harriet she nodded wisely.

Me: Harriet obviously knows something. It’s Joyce, isn’t it?

Nell: Would you please stop with the Joyce thing. Mutley is a good judge of character. If he trusts Joyce then so should we.

Me: Well, I don’t.

Nell: I have far more pressing problems. We are low on bacon, so sandwiches will need to be shared, and Seamus has asked to join the Welsh corgi choir.

Me: What? Seamus is not a Welsh corgi.

Nell: Neither is the Whippets Institute and they are all members.

Me: Seamus lives miles away.

Nell: It’s all done virtually at the moment. All you need is an iBone, or iPawed.

Me: And Seamus has turned bad.

Nell: Now that is a worry.

Me: I never had Seamus down as a singer. Naughty Nigel has a lovely voice, but then he’s from Wales and we all like to sing.

Nell: I’ve noticed.

Me: How do you know he wants to join?

Nell: He’s been talking to Myfanwy apparently. She seems to think it’s a good idea.

Me: He’ll be wanting to do contemporary dance with Gladys next.

Nell: We’re all doing that. ‘Glide with Gladys’. It’s on every morning. Do keep up.

Me: I didn’t know. Sorry.

Me: What on earth is going on at my sister Charlotte’s house?

Nell: I’ll tell you in a minute. I have to read my poem to Scarlett first.

Me: Why?

Nell: Because she’s your niece and she’s 16 today.

Me: Look at those photos. Naughty Nigel has jumped into Scarlett’s arms, Boo looks terrified and Xav the cat is hiding in the sink.

Nell: It’s Seamus.

Me: Seamus?

Nell: Yes. He’s turned bad.

Me: How did that happen?

Nell: Apparently he’s been texting someone into the early hours of the morning on his iBone.

Me: Who?

Nell: We don’t know but we have our suspicions. When Naughty Nigel asked him about it he turned nasty.

Me: But Seamus is normally such a cheerful little chap.

Nell: Yes, although he’s always had a grumpy side.

Me: I’ve had an awful thought.

Nell: Here we go again.

Me: Do you think it’s The Hunter? We know The Black Claw are trying to turn good dogs bad. Maybe they’ve got to Seamus.

Nell: Of course we think it’s The Hunter. Look at Naughty Nigel and Boo and even Xav. They are terrified.

Me: I wouldn’t say Xav looked terrified but then he is a cat.

Nell: Can I read my poem now?

Me: Yes.

Nell: ‘Darling Scarlett please allow me to say

I hope you’re having a lovely 16th birthday.

I hope you’re not feeling awfully sad

That you’re stuck at home and Seamus’s turned bad.’

Me: I don’t think you needed to say that.

Nell: Quiet.

‘We may not be with you on your special day

But we are all wearing hats and shouting ‘Hurrah’.

So stay home and stay safe. Be happy and chill.

We love you dear Scarlett and we always will.’

Me: Perfect.

Nell: Of course.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I’ve been thinking.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: It was beautiful on our walk yesterday, wasn’t it?

Nell: Yes, it was.

Me: Everything seems so precious at the moment, doesn’t it?

Nell: It does.

Me: The trees, the grass, the birds.

Nell: Not all the birds.

Me: Yes, even the Beefies. I quite enjoy hearing them. They remind me of the sea.

Nell: I wish they would stop shouting ‘Chips’.

Me: Chips?

Nell: Yes. It’s extremely tedious.

Me: Why chips?

Nell: They’ve closed all the fish and chip shops, restaurants and cafes. Beefies live from stealing but now all the tourists have been told to stay home to keep us safe.

Me: They must be starving.

Nell: They can catch fish like everyone else. Lazy hooligans.

Me: You don’t catch fish. You had boiled eggs and soldiers for breakfast and Poppy is cooking a Sunday roast.

Nell. I am not a seabird.

Me: I’ve just had an interesting thought.

Nell: Oh dear.

Me: Do you think the Beefies in the US and Canada are shouting ‘Fries’?

Nell: Good grief.

Me: Or ‘Pommes’ in Germany and ‘Frites’ in France?

Nell: The Beefies are an evil seagull gang run by Stephen Seagull. They are not an international organisation.

Me: How do you know? They might be bigger than you think. There might be a whole Beefy network.

Nell: I hope not. The Black Claw is more than enough to deal with, thank you.

Me: Have there been any reports on animals turning bad then?

Nell: Joyce told me there’s been some bickering amongst the Welsh corgi choir but nothing else.

Me: Do you think The Hunter has infiltrated the Welsh corgi choir?

Nell: No. I think the lockdown is making them feel a little agitated. Do calm down.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Is Harriet sitting at the gate again?

Nell: Yes. Jim the Farm Dog is out with the sheep in the fields and she can see him from there. He likes to give her a wave.

Me: It’s hard for them to be apart. So near and yet so far.

Nell: It is just for now. Not for ever.

Me: It feels like forever.

Nell: They can chat on WoofsApp and there are always Zoomies.

Me: What use is running around madly with your tail between your legs?

Nell: What are you talking about? Zoomies are virtual get togethers for families and friends on a platform called Zoom. Everyone knows that. Do keep up.

Me: I didn’t know.

Nell: How do you think the Welsh corgi choir have been practising? Not to mention the Whippets Institute. Lavinia gave a fascinating talk on quilting last week.

Me: Do I know Lavinia?

Nell: Probably not. She’s an elderly Lurcher from Lymington who’s in self isolation. The Whippets have taken her under their wing.

Me: How kind of them. I suppose you can join in from anywhere?

Nell: Yes. In fact Mutley is in a Zoomie with some local farmers right now.

Me: Why?

Nell: He has had to close down MuttDonalds and Pizza Mutt.

Me: What’s that got to do with the farmers?

Nell: He’s keen to save jobs so he is suggesting that some of his former employees work on their land as pickers this year because the migrant workers can’t come over.

Me: That’s a great idea.

Nell: It was Joyce’s. She was ordering a veg box for Poppy and the supplier told her he was struggling without his usual helpers.

Me: Maybe I’ve got Joyce wrong.

Nell: Yes. Don’t judge a dog by its collar.

Me: You’re right. Sorry.

Nell: This is disgraceful. Look at Kev’s sun hat. It’s in tatters.

Me: I know, but it’s a bit funny, too, Nell.

Nell: It is not.

Me: Kev’s laughing.

Nell: Who is responsible for this outrage?

Me: It’s actually Kev’s fault. He left it lying around.

Nell: That does not mean it has to get eaten.

Me: True. I think it was just a simple mistake.

Nell: I have to say that all three of them look guilty.

Me: Yes, they do.

Nell: I am ruling out Poppy. She may have known about it but I doubt she was heavily involved.

Me: Probably not.

Nell: Harriet has a history of eating cushions.

Me: Yes, she does.

Nell: So she’s most certainly on the list of suspects and will be questioned later.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: The animal with the guiltiest face, however, is definitely David.

Me: My Big Brave Beautiful Boy?

Nell: Guilt is written all over him.

Me: He looks very sorry but then he knows Kev loved that hat.

Nell: Quite.

Me: Isn’t there anyone else?

Nell: Don’t start blaming The Cat, please.

Me: No. That’s old hat. See what I did there?

Nell: Stop. I’m expecting David to make a full confession by the end of the day.

Me: Or the next few minutes.

Nell: There’s only one punishment for this.

Me: No bacon?

Nell: Yes, only cereal for breakfast for the next few days but that’s not enough.

Me: Don’t send him to jail.

Nell: What? No, he will make Kev another one. Bad behaviour comes from Boredom. We need a distraction for idle paws.

Me: How?

Nell: Both David and Harriet will join The Cat’s sewing class. It’s on YouChewed, so can be done anywhere. Jail? Honestly? He only ate a hat.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Why are you and Harriet still snuggling?

Me: Because we feel like it.

Nell: You are still wearing your pyjamas.

Me: I know and my cheerful stripey socks from Knitwear Wolf.

Nell: Are you having a Pyjama Day?

Me: I might be. I haven’t decided yet.

Nell: Today is actually Cleaning Day.

Me: Is it?

Nell: You know perfectly well it is. Wearing pyjamas is not going to get you out of it.

Me: Worth a try though.

Nell: Not happening.

Me: I was just feeling a bit down, Nell.

Nell: It is quite understandable in these current times. I think tea and a piece of cake might help.

Me: Cake in the morning?

Nell: Especially in the morning. An unexpected treat is extremely effective in lifting the mood. David, for instance, ate an unexpected third egg this morning.

Me: By mistake?

Nell: Yes, he is not sure how it happened but fortunately The Cat didn’t want one. Anyway it’s lifted his mood enormously.

Me: How is The Cat, by the way? Was it angry about the oven gloves accusations?

Nell: Not at all. The Cat couldn’t care less. In my experience, cats are rarely bothered by what people think. It’s far more concerned about the shortage of sequins.

Me: This doesn’t feel like a sequinny kind of time, though, does it?

Nell: No. But it will. You just need to get through this part. Sequinned days are ahead.

Me: So let’s just stay in our pyjamas all day and eat cake.

Nell: That’s not what I just said. Cake and cuddles and then clothes and cleaning.

Me: I really hate cleaning.

Nell: I know you do, but you love a clean house. Remember, you can’t cross a river without getting your paws wet.

Me: Yes. You’re right. Sorry.

Me: Wasn’t it lovely to see Tony again?

Nell: Yes, the puppies didn’t maintain social distancing of course. As soon as they heard his van they rushed to the gate.

Me: I know but they were so pleased to see him.

Nell: I noticed a Beefy but it didn’t appear to be carrying a camera.

Me: Good.

Nell: One can’t be too careful. Ouch. You just pinched me. Don’t do that.

Me: Pinch, punch first of the month. White rabbits and no returns.

Nell: I worry about you sometimes.

Me: It’s just an old custom. I think it means I’m going to be lucky.

Nell: Well, your book is being published at the end of this month so paws crossed.

Me: I had so many plans, Nell. I wanted to celebrate with people. We’ve been on this journey together and I so wanted to meet them and shake their hands.

Nell: You will. Just not now. Life is on hold at the moment. It is the only way to keep everyone safe.

Me: Yes, you are right.

Nell: Sometimes waiting can make things even better. As I explained to David at Morning Thoughts, the anticipation of bacon is almost as good as the taste.

Me: No, it isn’t.

Nell: He said there was only so much anticipating an animal could be expected to do and did I think he might have a second boiled egg because the first hardly touched the sides.

Me: One egg is never enough.

Nell: What I am trying to say is that the journey is turning out to be a little longer and slightly more complicated than we were expecting but we will still get there in the end.

Me: Yes, we will.

Nell: We are in this together. All of us.

Me: Yes. Sorry.