Me: What are you doing?
Nell: David was being cheeky and needed a firm nudge. Your hat’s not right. Far too pink.
Me: I thought pink was Malcolm’s colour.
Nell: It’s too feathery.
Me: Alejandro is wearing an Aztec crown.
Nell: That’s different. He’s the carriage.
Me: Dave’s wearing a sequinned top hat.
Nell: Of course. He’s one of the best men.
Me: One of them?
Nell: Yes, Malcolm couldn’t decide, so he’s having four.
Me: Four?
Nell: Yes, David, Timothy, Owl Pacino and Poppy.
Me: Poppy isn’t a man.
Nell: No, she’s a Maltese cross. You know that.
Me: How many bridesmaids is Susan having?
Nell: A whole flock plus Gladys and Harriet. I’m the Maid of Honour.
Me: Is Humphrey the heron accompanying her?
Nell: Yes, he’s her adoptive father and so is Stephen Seagull, as he’s her biological one. And he insisted.
Me: Well, two fathers is certainly different, but understandable.
Nell: Malcolm is having four. Mutley, Count Bingo, Charlie and Kev.
Me: Kev didn’t tell me.
Nell: It’s all been very hush hush and you know what you’re like.
Me: I can keep a secret. Sometimes.
Nell: Anyway, they’ll all be wearing wetsuits and top hats. Sequinned, of course. Count Bingo and Kev will carry surfboards.
Me: Any particular reason?
Nell: Susan and Malcolm will be perched on surfboards during the ceremony.
Me: I presume Peter the Pelican is presiding?
Nell: Yes, if all goes well.
Me: Anything for me to do?
Nell: The mother of the groom usually takes a backseat.
Me: But Malcolm’s mother can’t be there.
Nell: He says you’re like a mother to him. He just needs to know you’re there.
Me: I’m touched.
Nell: Yes. So, now you know why the hat has to be right.
Me: Yes. I do. Sorry.
