The hat has to be right

Me: What are you doing?

Nell: David was being cheeky and needed a firm nudge. Your hat’s not right. Far too pink.

Me: I thought pink was Malcolm’s colour.

Nell: It’s too feathery.

Me: Alejandro is wearing an Aztec crown.

Nell: That’s different. He’s the carriage.

Me: Dave’s wearing a sequinned top hat.

Nell: Of course. He’s one of the best men.

Me: One of them?

Nell: Yes, Malcolm couldn’t decide, so he’s having four.

Me: Four?

Nell: Yes, David, Timothy, Owl Pacino and Poppy.

Me: Poppy isn’t a man.

Nell: No, she’s a Maltese cross. You know that.

Me: How many bridesmaids is Susan having?

Nell: A whole flock plus Gladys and Harriet. I’m the Maid of Honour.

Me: Is Humphrey the heron accompanying her?

Nell: Yes, he’s her adoptive father and so is Stephen Seagull, as he’s her biological one. And he insisted.

Me: Well, two fathers is certainly different, but understandable.

Nell: Malcolm is having four. Mutley, Count Bingo, Charlie and Kev.

Me: Kev didn’t tell me.

Nell: It’s all been very hush hush and you know what you’re like.

Me: I can keep a secret. Sometimes.

Nell: Anyway, they’ll all be wearing wetsuits and top hats. Sequinned, of course. Count Bingo and Kev will carry surfboards.

Me: Any particular reason?

Nell: Susan and Malcolm will be perched on surfboards during the ceremony.

Me: I presume Peter the Pelican is presiding?

Nell: Yes, if all goes well.

Me: Anything for me to do?

Nell: The mother of the groom usually takes a backseat.

Me: But Malcolm’s mother can’t be there.

Nell: He says you’re like a mother to him. He just needs to know you’re there.

Me: I’m touched.

Nell: Yes. So, now you know why the hat has to be right.

Me: Yes. I do. Sorry.

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