Me: What’s the matter with Harriet?

Nell: She and Jim the Farm Dog had an argument.

Me: What about?

Nell: Fish.

Me: Fish?

Nell: Can you stop repeating everything I say please? It drives me mad.

Me: I didn’t know Harriet liked fish.

Nell: She does now. She is even thinking of becoming a pescatarian and giving up meat.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: David nearly fainted when he heard. The mere idea of no bacon sandwiches, or steak with Kev on a Saturday is more than he can bear.

Me: At least she isn’t going vegan.

Nell: Not yet, although nothing would surprise me. I blame The Cat.

Me: Why?

Nell: It’s always salmon this and mackerel that. Malcolm is the same. It’s prawn everything with that flamingo. Every time I go into the kitchen he is munching on a shell.

Me: He has to maintain his pinkness for the wedding. So Jim is unhappy?

Nell: Yes. He says a dog cannot live without a bone.

Me: But fish bones are dangerous.

Nell: Exactly. One of the Welsh corgis had a dreadful experience with a freshly caught sea bass.

Me: Did it jump back into the sea?

Nell: I hope not. It had been grilled and served with new potatoes and a wedge of lemon.

Me: Delicious.

Nell: Not when a bone got stuck in her throat.

Me: You have to be very careful when eating fish.

Nell: Quite, which is why Jim and David don’t like it.

Me: Why can’t everyone just eat what they like? I love fish but Kev isn’t fussed.

Nell: It will all be over by dinner anyway, Poppy is cooking roast chicken and nobody can resist that.

Me: Cod for her. Sea what I did there?

Nell: Stop.

Me: Salmon had to say it.

Nell: Enough.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: What a beautiful photo. Jonathan Sky certainly loves his little sister Faye Raine.

Me: He does. It is wonderful to see.

Nell: Yes. I always appreciate the love between David and Harriet.

Me: They look out for each other don’t they?

Nell: David gave her his last boiled egg this morning.

Me: Did he have two then?

Nell: No, three, but he only ate two.

Me: He is a caring boy. Did he share his soldiers?

Nell: Don’t be silly. You know there are never enough soldiers when you have a dippy egg.

Me: True.

Nell: So what have you been doing?

Me: I swam in the lake.

Nell: Any Beefies about?

Me: No. We are nowhere near the sea here. I didn’t know they were active abroad.

Nell: Of course they are. Sally says you need to be on the lookout. There have been Beefy sightings across Europe.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: They disguise themselves as locals. Onions round their necks in France, castanets in Spain and sausages in Germany.

Me: We are having a barbecue this afternoon so a few more sausages would be welcome.

Nell: Don’t be silly. You wouldn’t want to touch a Beefy’s sausage. You don’t know where it’s been.

Me: Seagulls are going to stand out here.

Nell: They are heavily disguised. I’m talking fake moustaches, long wigs and wide brimmed hats, not to mention the obligatory sunglasses.

Me: Not exactly discreet then?

Nell: Beefies don’t do discreet. You should know that by now. Contact me if you spot one and don’t engage in conversation. They are easily annoyed.

Me: In English, or German?

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: Do I talk to them in English, or German?

Nell: You don’t. I just told you not to. Anyway, Beefies don’t speak other languages, they have enough difficulty with their own.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: So, how is Berlin?

Me: Lovely. Dave looks a bit low.

Nell: Yes. We are having quite a time of it here. David came upstairs expecting his morning cuddles and found you gone.

Me: Poor darling boy.

Nell: Then Chris wasn’t there either and now he’s decided everyone is probably leaving him and flying off to Berlin, except possibly Malcolm.

Me: Why Malcolm?

Nell: Apparently Malcolm has a kind heart. Gladys says her heart is just as kind but if she and Harriet flew to Berlin right now it would be his own stupid fault.

Me: But Gladys can’t fly.

Nell: She was just making a point. David said kind hearted people didn’t call their friends stupid so now they aren’t talking.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: They will be fine. Anyway, how was the journey?

Me: Well, it started out well. Chris and I met Shannon at Heathrow as she had arrived from Toronto and we flew to Berlin together.

Nell: Good. I’m looking forward to seeing that sweet girl again.

Me: Unfortunately the flight was delayed and the taxi driver got lost so we didn’t arrive at our apartment until gone 10pm.

Nell: Extremely late.

Me: Yes. Alice and Faye were there to greet us. She is the most gorgeous little thing you ever saw, except for Jonathan Sky of course.

Nell: Have you seen him yet?

Me: No, it was so late yesterday he had fallen asleep but they are coming over soon for a family brunch and a day by the lake.

Nell: I’m sure you will have a wonderful time together.

Me: What are your plans?

Nell: I think today will simply be a day of adjustment. We are missing a piece of our puzzle, if you know what I mean. But only for now.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: It’s you and me.

Nell: Yes, as you are leaving today I thought you would like to see a photo of us together.

Me: You don’t look very pleased.

Nell: I’m not. You are leaving and not everyone enjoys a sudden cuddle. Some of us prefer advance warning.

Me: But I love you so much that sometimes I’ve just got to give you a great big hug.

Nell: Yes, I know. Now, Poppy has packed you and Chris a light lunch for the train.

Me: That’s very kind of her.

Nell: Just a few sandwiches, some scones and a flask of Earl Grey tea.

Me: Lovely.

Nell: Make sure you take lots of photos while you are away please.

Me: Yes. I am finally going to meet Baby Snail.

Nell: Her name is Faye Raine.

Me: I know but she’s been Baby Snail for so long.

Nell: Before you leave please explain to David that you will be returning in a week. He struggles with the concept of time.

Me: Yes. He even worries when I go for a shower

Nell: I know. Harriet and Gladys just popped over to The Cat’s recently for a quick cocktail and David felt abandoned.

Me: Poor darling boy.

Nell: Malcolm had to make him an omelette with extra cheese.

Me: I’m on his side. They should have taken him with them.

Nell: You’re not taking me with you.

Me: You’re needed at home, Nell.

Nell: I know and you need to be with Alice and little Faye not to mention Jonathan Sky.

Me: Yes, I do.

Nell: I expect regular updates, however.

Me: Of course.

Nell: Tell Alice and those darling children to visit us soon.

Me: I will.

Nell: So go and enjoy your special time. I’ll look after everyone. You and me. Always.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: There is something magical about a dog running into the sea.

Nell: Yes, I do enjoy a good swim.

Me: You will look after yourself while I am away, won’t you?

Nell: Don’t start. I shall be keeping an eye on everyone as usual. Now, have you packed?

Me: Not yet.

Nell: Well, you are flying to Berlin tomorrow so you had better start.

Me: Any sign of the Beefies?

Nell: There was an attack at first light but we fought back with stale scones and water pistols.

Me: You are all so brave.

Nell: As I said to that polite young Jack Russell from the Daily Growl ‘We are not going to have our home threatened by delinquent seagulls. The Beefies can jolly well back off. We are the Martins and we never run out of scones.’

Me: Fighting talk. Although we did run out of scones once, if you remember?

Nell: David ate them by mistake.

Me: Do you think they will be back?

Nell: Probably, but we have a secret weapon.

Me: Owl Pacino?

Nell: No, but the Royal Owl Force is waiting in the wings.

Me: I see what you did there.

Nell: Thank you.

Me: So what’s the secret weapon?

Nell: The Cat.

Me: The Cat?

Nell: You’re doing that repeating thing again. Do stop. The Cat has made an incredible sequinned cloak.

Me: I don’t think the Beefies are going to be blinded by fashion.

Nell: No, but when the sun hits the cloak they are going to be blinded by the light. Nothing puts a Beefy off more than light in their eyes. Why do you think they all wear sunglasses?

Me: I did wonder.

Nell: Don’t worry. We can do this. Your home will be there when you get back.

Me: Yes. Thank you. Sorry.

Nell: Have David and Harriet returned from their patrol?

Me: They are both in the top garden. Harriet is looking alert and Dave is looking at me.

Nell: You are holding a piece of toast. Why aren’t you wearing your hard hat?

Me: I’m in the kitchen. What’s going on?

Nell: Malcolm says KSN is reporting that a group of Beefies are heading this way.

Me: What is KSN?

Nell: Kind Seagull Network. The TV channel. Do keep up.

Me: I didn’t know there was one.

Nell: You’ll be telling me you haven’t heard of CNN next.

Me: Of course I have. Everyone knows CNN.

Nell: Good. Actually, Canine News Network approached me recently with an offer of my own show.

Me: Canine News Network?

Nell: You’re repeating everything I say again. Do stop. Yes. A talk show. I decided against it.

Me: You would have been marvellous.

Nell: Perhaps, but it would have meant a move to London and I have Charlie’s declining health to consider.

Me: Yes. And me. I couldn’t possibly manage without you.

Nell: True. The mere thought. Anyway, KSN is keeping everyone informed. The Beefies are giving seagulls a bad name and they want to redress the balance.

Me: Good for them.

Nell: Unfortunately the BBC is fighting back.

Me: I’m surprised. The BBC is renowned for its unbiased reporting.

Nell: The Beefy Broadcasting Corporation? It doesn’t even know what unbiased means. Good grief. What are you talking about?

Me: I might need a lie down.

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. You only just got up and you need to sort out a hard hat for Chris. We are expecting an attack at any time.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Where is Harriet?

Nell: She is having Special Time with Chris. They bonded when she was a tiny little puppy and she treasures her moments with him.

Me: That’s lovely.

Nell: Yes. Sometimes you need a little time alone with someone.

Me: That’s very true.

Nell: And David is extremely pushy.

Me: He’s not aware of his size.

Nell: Not everyone wants a giant Labrador on their laps.

Me: Chris does.

Nell: Yes, I know but it’s Harriet’s time now for Cuddles and Contemplation.

Me: I don’t think Dave does Contemplation.

Nell: He has been known to stare long and hard at a bacon sandwich but that is as far as it goes.

Me: I am so happy to have Chris home. It’s like he’s never been away.

Nell: Yes. Now, although the weather is a little iffy today Chris will still need to go down to the beach. I think lunch overlooking the sea is in order.

Me: Yes. I do my best thinking by the sea.

Nell: Oh dear. I know what you’re like when you have a story in your head. Remember last time? Staring at that whippet.

Me: I was only wondering if there was ever such a thing as a lazy whippet.

Nell: There is. Winifred from the Whippets Institute. She can’t be bothered to chase anything except a cream cake.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: Did David just walk past in dark glasses and a trench coat eating a roast beef sandwich?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Was he carrying Gladys in my handbag wearing a pair of binoculars?

Me: Yes. I think they are spying on Harriet.

Nell: Well spotted, Sherlock Bones.

Me: Elementary, my dear Watson.

Nell: I beg your pardon? Watson was a Border Terrier. I am a Labrador. Never call me Watson again.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: What are you three doing?

Nell: Waiting.

Me: Chris won’t be here until this afternoon you know.

Nell: Yes. We know. We are waiting for something else.

Me: Your breakfast to go down?

Nell: No. The boiled eggs were excellently dippy this morning and Malcolm’s homemade bread made delightful soldiers.

Me: There is no point in waiting for the roofers to stop. We have days and days of this to go.

Nell: We know. David is Roofing Liaison Officer. He has his paw on the pulse.

Me: Well, what is it then?

Nell: We are waiting for you to finally stop tracking Chris’s flight on your iBone.

Me: Oh.

Nell: Don’t imagine that we aren’t aware of you sneaking a peak throughout the night.

Me: I can’t help it.

Nell: You will be ridiculously overtired and grumpy by the time he actually arrives.

Me: I know.

Nell: We recommend a late morning snooze in the hammock so you can gather your strength before we drive to the station.

Me: But he hasn’t landed yet.

Nell: After he has landed. It’s not long now. His flight is due in the next hour.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Talking of waiting, there is a pot of Earl Grey and some lightly buttered toast waiting downstairs for you to enjoy. Mutley has the morning papers.

Me: Thank you.

Nell: Try and relax. He will be here before you know it. Remember, a watched bowl never fills.

Me: You are right. Sorry.

Me: What are you and Harriet smiling about?

Nell: Chris arrives tomorrow.

Me: Yes. That’s an excellent reason.

Nell: We’ve also been playing Hide and Bark.

Me: I don’t think I’ve ever played that.

Nell: Of course you haven’t. When was the last time you barked?

Me: I can bark if someone really annoys me but I never bite.

Nell: You can’t play, anyway, because it involves Zoomies and you certainly can’t do those.

Me: I’ve never tried.

Nell: Well, don’t. Harriet is the Mistress of the Zoomies. Her tucked in tail and astonishing speed is the talk of Kingsbridge.

Me: Really?

Nell: Oh yes. And it’s so surprising in such a quiet Labrador.

Me: How do you play?

Nell: The Initiator gives a warning bark and then performs opening Zoomies around the garden to gather together all the Catchers.

Me: Ok.

Nell: The Initiator then disappears.

Me: Gosh. By magic?

Nell: No, by hiding behind Kev’s shed.

Me: I see.

Nell: I am always aware of this trick and look behind it but David continues to be thoroughly bemused and spends ages walking around the garden.

Me: What happens then?

Nell: The Initiator zooms out from behind the shed at top speed right around the garden and the shed again and again until caught.

Me: Gosh. How exciting.

Nell: I must say I do enjoy it. Harriet is always the Initiator. David simply doesn’t have it in him and his turning radius is not tight.

Me: It sounds a little too wild for me. I might just chill out with a book in the hammock.

Nell: Certainly not. You have Chris’s room to get ready and Poppy wants to go through next week’s menu. Sunday roast has been delayed until Monday. Hammocks are for much later.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: I’m afraid Poppy is in one of her wild moods today.

Me: Why?

Nell: Kev and Harriet are having a Saturday snooze and she is about to bounce them. Look at her face.

Me: Oh no.

Nell: She thinks it’s hilarious. Honestly, she will be 6 this month and it’s high time she grew up.

Me: I suppose so.

Nell: Do you know she bounced Myfanwy as she was coming out of Barks and Spencer? She had a couple of the Welsh corgi choir with her and they broke into song with the fright of it.

Me: Oh dear. Although they are lovely singers.

Nell: That’s not the point. You can’t just bounce people whenever you feel like it. Malcolm lives in constant fear and he wasn’t particularly brave to start with.

Me: It’s good for her to let her hair down now and again though, Nell. She works so hard.

Nell: Talking of hair we need to book her in with Doug for a cut and blow dry.

Me: Yes. Especially now it’s summer.

Nell: She had better not bounce Doug and the girls or she will end up having more than her hair cut.

Me: Not a perm? It would be too much.

Nell: A perm? What are you talking about? Are we back in the 1980’s? I mean bouncing and scissors do not go together.

Me: No. Of course.

Nell: Anyway, have you told everyone that Baby Snail finally has a name?

Me: No, but I will now. It is Faye Raine.

Nell: Yes, a lovely name for a girl. The word for fairy is ‘Fee’ in German and is pronounced Faye.

Me: It is and that’s what Snail is to us. Our magical little fairy.

Nell: Would you please stop calling her Snail.

Me: Yes. Sorry.