Me: I do love a sandy nose.

Nell: I needed to get down to the beach. Part of my research. Getting among my supporters and listening to their concerns. Obviously it was the other beach as my beach is out of bounds.

Me: Yes. How’s the campaign going?

Nell: Harriet has organised a team of experts to sit on the advisory committee.

Me: I could do that.

Nell: No, you couldn’t. They are all senior dogs with solid backgrounds. You wouldn’t do at all.

Me: Oh. Perhaps not.

Nell: David is working on publicity and doing surprisingly well.

Me: He is?

Nell: Oh yes. Field and Fur published a particularly helpful article calling for nationwide support.

Me: Are you extending the campaign to the rest of the UK then?

Nell: Yes. Coastal, Rural, or Municipal. We dogs need to unite. After all everyone likes a walk on the beach, don’t they?

Me: I wonder if the horses feel the same way.

Nell: What are you talking about?

Me: You always see them on television galloping across the sands. Are they banned too?

Nell: Have you been watching re-runs of Poldark again? Don’t you think I have enough to deal with, without dragging horses into it?

Me: The signs don’t say no horses on the beach though, do they? Just dogs.

Nell: You worry me sometimes. You really do.

Me: Just saying.

Nell: Well, don’t. Horses? Good grief. Somebody get me a cup of Earl Grey and a ginger nut biscuit, please.

Me: Sorry.

Me: Look at those two. They are so pleased to see each other again.

Nell: Yes.

Me: Dave has been counting the days until Tony gets back from his holiday.

Nell: Yes, David marked it on his calendar and crossed each day off. Part of his Organisational Skills.

Me: I’m impressed.

Nell: They have a lot in common. Tony sings you know.

Me: I did know. Sea shanties.

Nell: David loves singing and I think he is hoping to join Tony’s group.

Me: I’m not sure Dave is quite up to it, Nell. I mean they are proper singers. They perform in public. They’ve even been on television.

Nell: David is a quick learner. Maybe Tony can teach him.

Me: I used to sing in the school choir and Torquay Operatic Society.

Nell: No, you can’t join Tony’s group.

Me: What if you form your own group? I could be your manager.

Nell: I don’t believe this.

Me: You can sing, Nell. I’ve heard you.

Nell: I have a pleasant contralto voice that’s true. Harriet is more of a soprano.

Me: Harriet sounds like a seagull.

Nell: Now that is unkind and you know perfectly well it’s her Are We Nearly At The Beach voice.

Me: Yes, I know.

Nell: Mutley can’t hear so don’t suggest him.

Me: What about Poppy?

Nell: I suppose we might persuade her to play her saxophone.

Me: There you are then.

Nell: No, we aren’t. Let’s just start with David having singing lessons with Tony. If he has the time.

Me: Ok.

Nell: Honestly, you will be entering us for Britain’s Got Talent next.

Me: Now that’s an idea but it’s already started.

Nell: Enough.

Me: Yes, sorry.

Me: What’s going on?

Nell: Kev found the plate.

Me: What plate? Not my special Portuguese one?

Nell: We used it for Mozzarella String last night and then it was gone.

Me: What’s Mozzarella String?

Nell: It’s the pizza game. Everyone knows it. You play it in pairs. Mutley and I won. David got in an awful mess and had cheese round his ears at one point but when he and Harriet swapped places they did well.

Me: And Poppy?

Nell: Poppy sat it out. Her fur gets in the way. Anyway, I think David must have nudged your plate under the chair when he was cleaning up.

Me: You all look a bit guilty to me. Even you.

Nell: Yes. I’m afraid things may have got a little out of hand yesterday. A little noisy perhaps.

Me: What happened?

Nell: Poppy raided the drinks cabinet and started mixing cocktails. The puppies were on water, of course.

Me: Of course.

Nell: I knew I should have stuck to sherry.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Anyway, the police were very understanding and let us off with a warning.

Me: The police?

Nell: Nice young man. He had a slice of pizza.

Me: But what did you do?

Nell: It’s water under the bridge now. Time to move on.

Me: But Nell….

Nell: Enough. I’ve got an algebra class to teach.

Me: Ok, sorry.

Me: My goodness, it’s hot.

Nell: I know.

Me: Don’t overheat, Nell.

Nell: I’m just taking in a little sun while the puppies have their siesta.

Me: We all had an early start.

Nell: Yes. David was wide awake shouting at 5am. Poppy was very annoyed. You know what she’s like before she has had her morning Americano. I’m more of a decaf cappuccino girl myself.

Me: I do. I let Dave and Harriet out and they had a great time in the garden.

Nell: Good. Outside Time can only be early or late on hot days like today, so I wanted them to make the most of it.

Me: I’m afraid it can’t be late today because Kev and I are going to Dartmouth. Sunny is performing.

Nell: Sunny Ormonde from The Archers?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Lilian Bellamy, my favourite character?

Me: Yes. You know she is a friend.

Nell: I know we listen to The Archers on Radio 4 together. I know it’s our favourite programme. I thought that meant you and me.

Me: You can’t come with us, Nell. No dogs allowed.

Nell: I am going to get t shirts printed with “No dogs allowed” on the front. It’s not enough to take my beach I am banned from cultural events now too.

Me: It’s not my fault. It’s the theatre. I’ll tell her you say hello.

Nell: And I was having such a relaxing day.

Me: You know I would take you with me if I could. How about you and the others rent a film?

Nell: Well, I’m choosing the film. None of those action movies David and Poppy like. Harriet and I have been wanting to see that Guernsey and potatoes film since we read the book.

Me: Me too, but I’m not sure it’s available to rent yet.

Nell: And we are ordering pizza. There’s no way I am cooking as well.

Me: Of course. Can you try and stop Dave spreading tomato sauce everywhere though?

Nell: Pizza is not easy with paws. You know that. Now let me enjoy the sun. The puppies will be waking soon.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Me: What is wrong with Dave? He seems ever so tired.

Nell: Don’t get me started.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Partying with Poppy until dawn.

Me: Oh no.

Nell: Dancing in the garden.

Me: Gosh!

Nell: Drinking from the plant pots.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: And rapping with the farm dogs.

Me: What?

Nell: Oh yes. Goodness only knows what the repercussions will be.

Me: He is young, though, Nell, and it’s a Bank Holiday.

Nell: What’s Poppy’s excuse then? She will be 5 next month.

Me: Poppy is a rebel.

Nell: Well, she’s a rebel without a sword. Because I’ve hidden it.

Me: She won’t like that.

Nell: And David is grounded until further notice. When he finally came to bed he was wearing the farmer’s cap. How am I going to explain that?

Me: Where is Harriet?

Nell: She and Mutley are going through the papers. We need to know what they’ve said.

Me: They were only partying, Nell. Surely that’s not newsworthy.

Nell: No, silly, about the campaign. Keep up!

Me: Yes, Of course. Sorry.

Me: You look exhausted.

Nell: This time they have gone too far.

Me: Who?

Nell: The farm dogs of course. Wretched paparazzi.

Me: Excuse me?

Nell: I was enjoying a quiet breakfast when I looked out of the window and there they were.

Me: Where?

Nell: In our garden.

Me: Goodness me!

Nell: Cameras at the ready.

Me: No!

Nell: Oh yes. Snapping away like there’s no tomorrow. Dreadful animals.

Me: What did you do?

Nell: Poppy is Head of Security, as you may know, and fortunately she was with me at the time.

Me: Yes.

Nell: She had just dipped her soldier into her boiled egg and it was perfect so she was particularly annoyed at the disturbance.

Me: I hate it when you have to leave a dippy egg. So annoying.

Nell: Exactly. Anyway, she grabbed her sword and was off.

Me: Did she get them?

Nell: The villains jumped the fence and ran. I suspect those reporters at Hot Dog are behind this. Trashy gossip is all they print and those farm dogs will do anything for money.

Me: Maybe we should buy a copy just to check you aren’t in it.

Nell: How dare you even suggest it. Hot Dog is not coming in to my house. I can’t expose the puppies to such rubbish.

Me: Yes, sorry.

Me: Our beautiful Harriet.

Nell: Yes. She is a lovely young labrador and a great credit to me.

Me: Like Dave.

Nell: Not entirely like David.

Me: You are too harsh on him.

Nell: It’s for his own good.

Me: Where is he?

Nell: He is writing his first press release.

Me: That’s wonderful. So are you giving him the job of Press Secretary?

Nell: It’s on a trial basis. He has to prove himself first.

Me: I wondered why he was wearing that hat.

Nell: Yes, with a Press card in the hatband. Honestly, whatever next?

Me: It’s sweet.

Nell: And it’s just a Trilby.

Me: That’s ok, isn’t it?

Nell: No. It should be a silk-brimmed black felt Homburg. Labradors are all about class. Trilby hats are for terriers.

Me: Well, I think he looks adorable.

Nell: I blame Mutley of course. I know that hat was his choice.

Me: Is there a deadline?

Nell: Of course there is. The Daily Growl needs it by 2pm and Barking Weekly by close of play today. Harriet is dealing with the Canine Chronicle but if we want it in this weekend’s edition we will have to move fast.

Me: All hands on deck then.

Nell: You mean All Paws Poised.

Me: Yes, sorry.

Me: I wonder what made you so wise, Nell.

Nell: I prefer to call it common sense.

Me: Whatever it is, we need more of it, if you ask me. Except people don’t. They usually ask you. Why is that do you think?

Nell: I can’t imagine.

Me: Someone applied to be your PA.

Nell: I know.

Me: I would be ever so good at that, you know.

Nell: Would you?

Me: Yes. I could make tea and stuff.

Nell: You could.

Me: And other things too.

Nell: You don’t know what a PA does, do you?

Me: Not really.

Nell: Harriet got the job.

Me: Oh.

Nell: She is bright and sensible.

Me: Yes.

Nell: She will be perfect.

Me: Yes, you are right.

Nell: You are my best friend, though.

Me: I am?

Nell: Of course you are. Where would I be without you? Now, we need Earl Grey and shortbread as we’ve got a lot to discuss.

Me: Yes.

Nell: David has applied to be my Press Secretary.

Me: Well, he’s ever so friendly and awfully keen.

Nell: It’s a dreadful idea. Don’t be so silly.

Me: Yes, sorry.

Me: Who are those three waiting for?

Nell: Substitute Tony.

Me: Who?

Nell: Tony is on holiday so there is a different postman this week.

Me: Dave will be missing him.

Nell: Yes, but as I told David, everyone needs a break and Tony works very hard. Anyway David has enough to occupy him at the moment.

Me: Why?

Nell: He and Harriet are working on the campaign.

Me: This isn’t the beaches thing again, is it?

Nell: What do you mean the beaches thing? As campaign manager I object to that, but it’s not surprising I suppose as you are from the opposition.

Me: No, I’m not. I’m actually on your side, Nell. I don’t think dogs should be banned.

Nell: Speak to my deputy then, there may be something you can do.

Me: Is Mutley your deputy?

Nell: Of course not. Poppy is my deputy. There is no point in speaking to Mutley. He can’t hear.

Me: He can hear a little.

Nell: He is nearly 15. Give him a break. Anyway, Mutley is executive chairman so any applications to him must be made in writing.

Me: I see.

Nell: Just talk to Poppy there are bound to be some envelopes that need addressing. Now let me finish my speech. Radio Devon are due here soon.

Me: Ok. Sorry.

Me: Look at you smiling away.

Nell: Yes.

Me: You beach babe.

Nell: Don’t be silly.

Me: It was such fun on the beach yesterday.

Nell: It was.

Me: Just us and the sea.

Nell: Perfect.

Me: The wind in our hair and the sun on our faces.

Nell: Calm down.

Me: Such a shame it was the last time until October.

Nell: I beg your pardon.

Me: No dogs are allowed from May to October. We have to use the other beach.

Nell: That’s outrageous! Segregation and discrimination. I am talking to our MP.

Me: You knew about it, Nell. We’ve been there in the summer.

Nell: This is unacceptable. To be banned from my own beach.

Me: It isn’t actually yours, Nell.

Nell: You could have reminded me. You know David will just run over to our old beach, don’t you?

Me: Yes, I’m not sure what to do about it.

Nell: If David ends up shot or imprisoned it will be your fault.

Me: Nobody is going to get shot, Nell.

Nell: I brought those puppies up to be free spirits.

Me: There is no point in trying, Nell.

Nell: If you never try you will never know. Anyway, I don’t have time to chat to you. There’s a picket line to organise and canvassing to be done.

Me: Yes. Sorry.