Nell: We need to talk about David.

Me: Did you see him cuddling on the sofa with Kev? Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. Isn’t he adorable?

Nell: I did and I’d like to point out that this Cuddling habit of David’s has become excessive.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: I don’t like to say it, but I’m afraid David has become a Serial Cuddler.

Me: Don’t be silly.

Nell: Nobody is safe.

Me: Everyone loves a cuddle from Dave.

Nell: No, they don’t. There are times when one doesn’t want to be cuddled.

Me: Tell me when.

Nell: When you’re in an important meeting and just about to present a proposal.

Me: I can see that might be awkward.

Nell: When you’ve been offered a scone with jam and cream and are just about to take your first bite.

Me: Not the best of timing.

Nell: And a passing Pyrenean Mountain Dog comments negatively on your weight and you’re just about to give it a piece of your mind and tell it to look in the mirror.

Me: How rude.

Nell: I thought so.

Me: I mean in this case a cuddle prevented you from being rude, Nell.

Nell: The animal was twice my size. It had no right to say ‘Enjoy your scone, sister!’

Me: It was being friendly. It had nothing to do with your weight. Dave was right to stop you being mean with a cuddle.

Nell: Was he?

Me: Yes. You would have been unnecessarily unkind.

Nell: He still shouldn’t have eaten my scone.

Me: No, he jolly well shouldn’t have. That was naughty.

Nell: In fact I think it might have been more of a rugby tackle than a cuddle and he was actually only after the scone.

Me: You might be right. Sorry.

Me: There’s nothing like a crisp, clear, sunny winter’s day watching you dogs having fun.

Nell: I know. I was watching with you.

Me: Dog and Dash really is a haven for us all, isn’t it?

Nell: You’d better tell everyone how the survey went.

Me: Not that well. We haven’t received the report yet, but it’s not going to be good.

Nell: Oh dear.

Me: And the little cottage was so pleased to see us.

Nell: I’m sure it was. What wasn’t the surveyor happy about?

Me: He likes the little cottage, but he thinks it’s made of cob.

Nell: What’s that?

Me: It’s a mixture of clay, sand, straw and water and means the walls need to breathe.

Nell: Don’t we all?

Me: It also means it is quite damp.

Nell: Anyone would be damp after that storm and it hasn’t been lived in for over a year.

Me: He said if we were buying it cash it wouldn’t be a problem, but some mortgage companies can be difficult.

Nell: I see.

Me: If they won’t let us port our mortgage over we can’t buy it.

Nell: So what now?

Me: We wait for the report and then send it over and wait again.

Nell: And if they refuse?

Me: We may have to rent until we find somewhere, so we don’t lose our buyers.

Nell: We’d better keep crossing our paws.

Me: We had.

Nell: In the meantime, we still don’t have any internet.

Me: But we have power, which means warmth and light.

Nell: Some people have been without power for days.

Me: That must be awful.

Nell: Let’s be thankful for what we have.

Me: I’m so thankful I have you, Nell.

Nell: You and me. Always. It’s going to be alright.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I’ve never seen anything like you dogs when we have a food delivery. You go absolutely crazy.

Nell: It’s one of the most important parts of the week for us.

Me: The barking that goes on is absolutely dreadful.

Nell: They need to know where to deliver our food.

Me: They know exactly where to go. All that barking is not necessary at all.

Nell: It’s Helpful Barking. We’re just making sure.

Me: Dave is the loudest of you all.

Nell: He would be. Food features prominently on David’s list of priorities.

Me: Nigel looks a little bit concerned.

Nell: I don’t think he’s quite used to the way we do things here.

Me: Do you mean he can’t cope with all the noise?

Nell: Perhaps. Nigel lives in a one dog household now. It’s quiet.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: Anyway, are you and Kev ready to visit the Little Cottage in the Middle of Nowhere?

Me: Yes. We’ll be leaving very soon.

Nell: Say hello from me and the others and tell it we will hopefully be meeting it soon.

Me: Fingers crossed the storm hasn’t done any further damage to its roof. There are a few tiles missing already.

Nell: I’m crossing all four paws.

Me: Thank you.

Nell: We need to know we can move in there soon.

Me: We certainly do. If all goes well we will exchange before Christmas and move in early January.

Nell: We could be in there for your birthday.

Me: Yes, we could.

Nell: Now, make sure you dress up warmly. The weather is still a little stormy.

Me: Should I wear my lovely all-encasing hat?

Nell: No. One of Knitwear Wolf’s knitted beanies is more than sufficient. You’re visiting the Little Cottage, not spying on it.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Why did your sister leave so early?

Me: We have no internet and no mobile phone signal because of the storm, so people are going to start to worry. She’s going back to her house to let them know we’re all fine.

Nell: Nigel is still here.

Me: Nigel is best with us for the time being.

Nell: Does she know if she has internet?

Me: No, but we’re hoping she does.

Nell: Sunday Songs might not happen.

Me: Why?

Nell: Trees are down and roads are blocked so the Welsh Corgi Choir might not get through.

Me: Maybe they’re safest staying at home.

Nell: Rupert went out on his motorbike earlier this morning to check everyone is okay.

Me: How kind.

Nell: The Hoffmanns are making food parcels for him to distribute.

Me: So thoughtful.

Nell: I shall be glad when he comes back.

Me: Knitwear Wolf is very sensible, Nell. No need to worry. I hope he’s wearing a cardigan. It’s quite cold.

Nell: He is, under his motorbike leathers.

Me: We’re lucky we still have power. Lots of people have been without it since yesterday.

Nell: I was thinking about the Little Cottage in the Middle of Nowhere. I hope it survived the storm.

Me: We’ll know tomorrow. Kev and I are going there in the morning. Remember?

Nell: Are you allowed to attend this survey?

Me: Yes, we are.

Nell: This is going to be a different Sunday.

Me: We can still sing. Dave has a lovely voice.

Nell: Herr Hoffmann is too busy with food parcels to cook a Sunday roast. It’s soup instead.

Me: A bowl of soup with some freshly baked bread sounds perfect to me.

Nell: You’re right. I need to stop complaining and pull myself together.

Me: You do. Sorry.

Nell: We don’t like this horrible storm.

Me: Nobody does, Nell.

Nell: We’ve hardly slept. Nigel says we need extra bacon.

Me: Nigel said that, did he?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Not you, or Dave?

Nell: There was a general agreement at Morning Thoughts that bacon sandwiches might help.

Me: I see.

Nell: Herr Hoffmann is already on the case.

Me: I know. I can smell bread baking and bacon sizzling.

Nell: ‘A Lovely Way To Start The Day.’

Me: Nice to hear you singing, It was good to see Tony, wasn’t it?

Nell: It’s been too long.

Me: He’s ever so busy delivering parcels as well as cards and letters.

Nell: Olive the Other Reindeer’s rushed off her hooves.

Me: Reindeer are in great demand at this time of year. Want to know an interesting fact about reindeer?

Nell: Not really.

Me: They’re the only species of deer completely covered in hair from their nose to their hooves.

Nell: Hairy hooves?

Me: And noses. It’s amazing anyone can see Rudolph’s is red.

Nell: Rudolph Talentino the film star? He doesn’t have a red nose. He’s a thoroughbred stallion. Very quiet.

Me: It’s Valentino, and I’m not talking about him.

Nell: You can’t mean Rudolph, Friend of Kev. He’s a dancing llama.

Me: You’re confusing him with Rudolf Nureyev. The ballet dancer. I didn’t know Kev had a friend called Rudolph.

Nell: He’s teaching Kev how to tap dance.

Me: It’s not him, either. Olive will know Rudolph. They’re part of a team.

Nell: You should have said.

Me: I didn’t think I needed to.

Nell: I’m afraid most matches have been cancelled because of the weather.

Me: What are you talking about?

Nell: I presume Rudolph is one of the Rockin’ Reindeers. Wonderful football team.

Me: I give up. Sorry.

Me: Harriet loves chasing a ball so much she keeps one close even when she’s asleep.

Nell: Harriet’s exhausted. She’s been on snake alert for days.

Me: I think they’ve all gone by now. It’s too cold.

Nell: Let’s hope you’re right.

Me: People were asking about Timothy, by the way.

Nell: How kind.

Me: They know this is a particularly difficult time for turkeys.

Nell: You ordered ours, didn’t you?

Me: Don’t say that when I’m talking about Timothy.

Nell: He can’t hear you. He’s on retreat.

Me: I know, but still.

Nell: Moving on, Charlotte and Nigel will be arriving later.

Me: They will.

Nell: Is their room ready?

Me: It is.

Nell: Nigel likes a soft coverlet on his bed.

Me: It’s actually Charlotte’s bed.

Nell: Potato, potahto. Is the coverlet on the bed?

Me: Yes, and I’ve turned the heating up as it’s rather cold.

Nell: You know Kingsbridge has had to cancel all its Christmas events tomorrow because of the impending storm.

Me: Wasn’t Dave opening the Christmas market? He must be so disappointed. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: He was a little low until he decided he could broadcast to the nation.

Me: Like The King’s Speech?

Nell: Yes, But it’s The Mayor’s Speech.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: He’s written a poem and the llamas are his background dancers.

Me: Does a speech need dancers in the background?

Nell: You can’t have an orchestra and a choir without dancers.

Me: Is that why the Welsh Corgi Choir are here? I thought they were practising for Sunday.

Nell: The Whippets Institute are arriving soon. Our Penguin is filming and we need it all wrapped up by 3pm.

Me: Why?

Nell: That’s when Darragh’s arriving.

Me: Who’s Darragh?

Nell: The storm. Do keep up.

Me: Sorry.

Me: Did you send Harriet upstairs to wake me?

Nell: I’m far too busy doing my morning stretches to be running up and down the stairs all the time.

Me: Nobody asked you to.

Nell: Harriet offered, anyway.

Me: How about letting me sleep?

Nell: We’ve far too much to do to sleep. It’s nearly Christmas. Charlotte and Nigel are coming to stay this weekend and the little cottage in the middle of nowhere is having a big survey on Monday.

Me: Have you ever heard of letting someone wake up properly before you bombard them with things to do?

Nell: I know we’re moving soon, but I think we should have a small Christmas tree.

Me: I completely agree.

Nell: We can still celebrate even if we’re surrounded by boxes.

Me: I feel like celebrating at the moment.

Nell: You should have told us that you were worried.

Me: I didn’t want to bother anyone.

Nell: You had better explain.

Me: I found a lump on my scalp and was really frightened it might be skin cancer again.

Nell: Yes.

Me: After months of worrying, I finally plucked up the courage to go and see my doctor.

Nell: Yes.

Me: And it’s nothing to worry about. I’m fine.

Nell: You should have gone straight away. You would have saved yourself an awful lot of anguish.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m telling everyone now. If there’s anything worrying you, go and see the doctor. It’s probably nothing, but if it is something, then let them catch it early.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: If the little cottage gets through the survey we can finally set a date.

Nell: That would be a good thing for everyone.

Me: Hard as it is to say goodbye.

Nell: Time for new beginnings.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: What do you think of my atmospheric photo of the view from the French window?

Nell: We’re not in France.

Me: I know.

Nell: And it’s a door, not a window.

Me: I know that, too. It’s just the name. I thought the light was particularly lovely.

Nell: Why are you up so early? We’re all still trying to sleep.

Me: It’s my Wednesday Writers workshop.

Nell: I’m not sure I have time to join you this morning.

Me: That’s fine.

Nell: Please say hello to the other writers.

Me: I will.

Nell: I realise I will be greatly missed.

Me: You aren’t actually invited.

Nell: Excuse me? I am always invited. Why do you think I lie next to your desk?

Me: The puppies usually lie on the bed behind me and they’re definitely not invited.

Nell: We all know that. I’m different. I have a book out.

Me: It was written by me.

Nell: ‘Conversations with Nell’. It’s in the title.

Me: True.

Nell: Anyway, I might join you later, if I can.

Me: Are you going out?

Nell: No. I’m having my hair fluffed.

Me: By whom?

Nell: The visiting poodle, if you must know.

Me: The one who fluffed the Welsh Corgi Choir?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Here at home?

Nell: Nicky Barke is a mobile hairdresser.

Me: Don’t you mean Clarke?

Nell: No. Bark with an e. He’s kindly agreed to pop over this morning.

Me: I hope you don’t end up curly.

Nell: I’m a Labrador, not a curly coated retriever.

Me: I wish you wouldn’t. You’re perfect as you are.

Nell: It’s only going to be a light fluff. Nothing major.

Me: Don’t let him colour your hair.

Nell: Not even a purple rinse?

Me: Definitely not.

Nell: I’m joking.

Me: Good. Sorry.

Me: I think something, or someone, might have upset Dave.

Nell: Why?

Me: Because he’s sitting in my old armchair with an Unusually Annoyed expression on his face.

Nell: In your old armchair?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Staring at you?

Me: Yes.

Nell: What did you do to annoy David?

Me: Me?

Nell: It takes a lot to upset him, so it has to be something really bad.

Me: I would never do anything to upset Dave. He’s my Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Well, you must have said something. Think. What were you doing just now?

Me: I was talking to Kev about my armchair.

Nell: Your armchair?

Me: Yes.

Nell: The one you share with David?

Me: Yes.

Nell: The one he’s sitting in right now?

Me: Yes.

Nell: The one I sleep in at night?

Me: Yes.

Nell: What did you say?

Me: That it was getting rather old and saggy.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: And if we had the money after the sale I might need to get a new one.

Nell: I can’t believe this.

Me: With more support for my back.

Nell: And the old armchair?

Me: It would have to go.

Nell: This is outrageous.

Me: Nothing lasts for ever.

Nell: Our chair would have to go?

Me: Why are you looking at me like that?

Nell: Discarded and abandoned like an old piece of furniture.

Me: It is an old piece of furniture.

Nell: All the years of support cast aside for something new and bouncy.

Me: I didn’t say bouncy.

Nell: Out with the old. In with the new.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Am I next?

Me: Maybe we could keep it as the dog chair if there’s enough room?

Nell: Maybe you should tell David that?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: We might get some sunshine today. Look at the sky.

Nell: We could certainly do with it. There’s been a ridiculous amount of rain recently.

Me: There has, and sunshine really lifts the spirits.

Nell: Now, I know you enjoy taking photos of me but do they have to be close-ups?

Me: You have such beautiful eyes, Nell. Pools of wisdom.

Nell: Most kind. What are you doing?

Me: Looking for socks.

Nell: I don’t like the way you’re rummaging around.

Me: Why?

Nell: Anything could be in there.

Me: It’s my sock drawer.

Nell: Snakes can make themselves very small if they want to.

Me: What? I can’t go in there now. I’m going to have to be sockless all day.

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous.

Me: You started it.

Nell: I merely warned you to be careful.

Me: Cicely must have moved on by now.

Nell: Sally would prefer us to stay alert and vigilant.

Me: Dave’s asleep.

Nell: David was on night shift and received a hearty breakfast for his sterling work. It’s no wonder he’s tired.

Me: He was asleep on the bed next to me all night.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: Harriet was the one downstairs.

Nell: But David had a sausage omelette with a bacon side.

Me: I’ve never heard of a sausage omelette.

Nell: Haven’t you?

Me: Malcolm makes a prawn omelette, so it’s not that different, I suppose.

Nell: No, it isn’t. David had a choice of fillings and he chose sausage.

Me: Anyone would fall asleep after eating one of those.

Nell: That’s not the point. It was a reward for hard work and he didn’t do any.

Me: He was a great comfort to me, Nell. We snuggled all night.

Nell: Snuggling is not work.

Me: No. Sorry.