Nell: We need to talk about David.
Me: Did you see him cuddling on the sofa with Kev? Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. Isn’t he adorable?
Nell: I did and I’d like to point out that this Cuddling habit of David’s has become excessive.
Me: What do you mean?
Nell: I don’t like to say it, but I’m afraid David has become a Serial Cuddler.
Me: Don’t be silly.
Nell: Nobody is safe.
Me: Everyone loves a cuddle from Dave.
Nell: No, they don’t. There are times when one doesn’t want to be cuddled.
Me: Tell me when.
Nell: When you’re in an important meeting and just about to present a proposal.
Me: I can see that might be awkward.
Nell: When you’ve been offered a scone with jam and cream and are just about to take your first bite.
Me: Not the best of timing.
Nell: And a passing Pyrenean Mountain Dog comments negatively on your weight and you’re just about to give it a piece of your mind and tell it to look in the mirror.
Me: How rude.
Nell: I thought so.
Me: I mean in this case a cuddle prevented you from being rude, Nell.
Nell: The animal was twice my size. It had no right to say ‘Enjoy your scone, sister!’
Me: It was being friendly. It had nothing to do with your weight. Dave was right to stop you being mean with a cuddle.
Nell: Was he?
Me: Yes. You would have been unnecessarily unkind.
Nell: He still shouldn’t have eaten my scone.
Me: No, he jolly well shouldn’t have. That was naughty.
Nell: In fact I think it might have been more of a rugby tackle than a cuddle and he was actually only after the scone.
Me: You might be right. Sorry.
