Me: Harriet’s sleeping under the kitchen table.

Nell: No, she isn’t.

Me: She’s fast asleep, Nell.

Nell: That’s what she wants you to think. Harriet is the mistress of Subtle Sleeping.

Me: Subtle Sleeping?

Nell: We all do it. Some more successfully than others.

Me: Dave doesn’t do it.

Nell: Of course he does. David just forgets the Subtle part after a while.

Me: And starts snoring?

Nell: Exactly.

Me: I’ve often wondered how you can all jump awake if there’s food around.

Nell: Not only food.

Me: I swear you can hear a packet of biscuits being opened from the back of the garden.

Nell: We don’t eat shop bought biscuits.

Me: You know what I mean.

Nell: Talking of biscuits, do you think the Welsh Corgi Choir can cope without them today?

Me: They always have biscuits with their tea after Sunday Songs.

Nell: I know, but we’ve run out and Herr Hoffmann’s too busy with the Sunday roast to make any new ones.

Me: How can we have run out?

Nell: It seems we have a biscuit thief in our house.

Me: It’s not Dave, is it?

Nell: David says he is innocent.

Me: It might have been by mistake.

Nell: The third boiled egg was a mistake.

Me: Who can it be?

Nell: I have no idea. We shall have to see who isn’t hungry at lunchtime.

Me: That’s not going to work, Nell. Nobody’s going to turn down roast beef, roast potatoes, cauliflower cheese, Yorkshire puddings and lashings of gravy.

Nell: No they aren’t.

Me: Maybe that’s why Harriet is under the kitchen table? Maybe she’s waiting to catch the thief?

Nell: Yes, although there is another option.

Me: What?

Nell: Maybe Harriet is the thief herself?

Me: Harriet a thief? No. That’s impossible. Sorry.

Me: What a difference a day makes. Yesterday was glorious sunshine and today we’re back to grey skies and rain.

Nell: Yesterday was a little too warm for me.

Me: That’s why we walked later in the afternoon.

Nell: The yacht club was extremely busy.

Me: It’s holiday time. Everywhere is busy.

Nell: My friend Dorothy says Pamela is suffering terribly from the heat.

Me: Is that Pamela the Pyrenean Mountain Dog who made a comment about your weight at the vets?

Nell: Yes. Most uncalled for. Those public weigh ins are dreadful.

Me: She’s probably more used to mountains.

Nell: What are you talking about? Pamela is Devonshire born and bred.

Me: It’s in her name.

Nell: Pamela?

Me: No. Mountain Dog.

Nell: Ron Gilbert the Great Dane from Torquay employs Australian Cattle Dogs on his building team. It doesn’t mean he flies them in from Sydney.

Me: I’ve had an awful thought.

Nell: Tell me.

Me: Do you think the Welsh Corgi Choir might not actually be Welsh?

Nell: No. They’re Welsh through and through even though they live in Devon.

Me: Thank goodness for that. I love their Welshness.

Nell: There’s no such word.

Me: Imagine if one of them turned out to be Irish.

Nell: Let’s leave Irish to the Wolfhounds and Setters.

Me: Is Dorothy Irish?

Nell: Dorothy is a Salcombe Setter.

Me: She could still be Irish. She has beautiful red hair. I wonder if Harriet has some Irish in her, too?

Nell: What?

Me: Her hair has a reddish hue in the sunlight.

Nell: Harriet is a pedigree Oxfordshire chocolate Labrador.

Me: Yes. Harriet is Harriet and you are you.

Nell: And that’s all that matters.

Me: True.

Nell: Enough chatting. It’s time for breakfast. Saturday Kitchen is starting soon.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: It’s a beautiful sunny summer’s day today.

Nell: Yes, it is.

Me: Harriet and I have been enjoying the view from the bedroom window since first thing this morning.

Nell: It’s lovely.

Me: We were wondering if we could see Jim the Farm Dog walking the fields.

Nell: Could you?

Me: No, but we saw Gladys and the llamas with a tent.

Nell: It’s not a tent. It’s a gazebo.

Me: I have one of those, too.

Nell: I know. Llamas struggle dreadfully with the heat, so shade is essential.

Me: They should only go out in the early morning, or late afternoon, in this weather. It’s the same for all of you.

Nell: Well, I’m going out to lunch with Dorothy. But don’t worry, I shall wear a hat.

Me: Where are you going?

Nell: The Salcombe Yacht Club. We’re hoping to play a round of bridge after lunch.

Me: Cards are fine, but don’t go sailing, Nell.

Nell: I never mentioned sailing.

Me: You’re going to the yacht club.

Nell: Yacht clubs are for socialising. Do keep up.

Me: Talking of sailing, does Lionel King still have his boat?

Nell: He does. He’s keeping it hidden away at the moment because of NOIR.

Me: The Notorious Organisation of International Rooks?

Nell: Yes. They’re still annoyed with him about the loss of Poppy’s recipe book.

Me: Poppy always preferred poker to bridge.

Nell: She still does. She and Mutley have regular poker games with the other Guardians. They love it.

Me: I always imagined the Guardians wearing white and reclining on clouds.

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. Poppy would never go along with that.

Me: Now I’m seeing them all in poker caps.

Nell: They don’t play all the time. Try and be a little realistic.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Dave is trying to tell me something, but I’m not sure what it is.

Nell: Are you sharing your breakfast?

Me: No. There are chocolate crispy things in my muesli, so I couldn’t share it even if I wanted to, which I don’t.

Nell: Chocolate crispy things?

Me: It’s from Germany. Alice recommended it.

Nell: This is the pain au chocolat craving all over again.

Me: No, it isn’t. Muesli is healthy.

Nell: With fruit. Not chocolate.

Me: It’s dark chocolate.

Nell: So is the pain au chocolat.

Me: That’s an occasional weekend treat. You like a bacon sandwich.

Nell: Who doesn’t? Except James Beddall, our vegetarian friend.

Me: He likes veggie bacon.

Nell: He likes Harriet.

Me: Oh, you saw that, did you?

Nell: I did.

Me: Everyone has their fans, Nell. Some people will love Harriet, some will love Dave, and lots and lots of people will love you.

Nell: James doesn’t.

Me: Yes, he does. He just has a soft spot for Harriet.

Nell: Like Romeo. He’s back, by the way. Serenading her again with some kind of small guitar.

Me: Maybe it’s a lute.

Nell: I don’t know what it is, but I wish he’d stop.

Me: Do you think that’s what Dave was trying to tell me?

Nell: No. He’s perfectly capable of going outside and barking at Romeo himself. He doesn’t need you.

Me: I’m not a very good barker, anyway , if I’m honest.

Nell: Never mind. Now, suggestions are being made for the family visit.

Me: Oh good.

Nell: We’re thinking of eating outside as much as possible, weather permitting.

Me: I do hope we get a summer. I’ve been wearing my winter pyjamas.

Nell: You still are.

Me: It’s quite early, Nell.

Nell: Nightwear is only for upstairs.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Do we know why Harriet was sitting at the bottom of the stairs yesterday morning?

Nell: She was probably waiting for Tony.

Me: Tony doesn’t usually arrive until lunchtime.

Nell: Then it was some kind of delivery.

Me: But I didn’t notice Terry flying around.

Nell: She might not have used Book a Beefy.

Me: She usually does, doesn’t she?

Nell: Talking of Book a Beefy, I’m not sure Terry is going to stay working for them for much longer.

Me: Why? Is the pay bad? I wouldn’t be surprised if it was.

Nell: No, it’s the other seagulls. They’re bullies.

Me: Do you have to be a Beefy to work for them?

Nell: You definitely have to be a seagull because Walter Pigeon’s nephew Wayne tried and was turned down.

Me: Terry is an unusual Beefy. He’s so nice.

Nell: He joined the Beefies in his younger days when being part of a gang was exciting. Now he sees the error of his ways.

Me: Terry’s a Reformed Beefy. I’m glad there are some around.

Nell: Romeo is one, too.

Me: Is Romeo the Beefy in the long black wig?

Nell: Yes. I’m glad he’s started wearing it in a ponytail. It looked ridiculous hanging around his face.

Me: Wasn’t he the one who was in love with Harriet?

Nell: Was he?

Me: He used to serenade her, didn’t he?

Nell: I don’t remember.

Me: Maybe Harriet was waiting for Romeo?

Nell: Don’t start all that nonsense.

Me: Maybe he’s still trying to woo her?

Nell: Harriet is perfectly happy with Jim the Farm Dog.

Me: True. Jim and Harriet go together.

Nell: They do.

Me: And I can’t see Shakespeare writing a play called ‘Romeo and Harriet.’

Nell: Why bring Shakespeare into this? Good grief.

Me: Sorry.

Me: Dave didn’t do what I think he did on the new plants in the activity field, did he?

Nell: He might have done.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Boys like to mark.

Me: Poppy used to do that.

Nell: Poppy was a law unto herself.

Me: But the plants are new.

Nell: They’re fine.

Me: It’s going to spoil the sniffari.

Nell: Do you understand what a sniffari is?

Me: Smelling the flowers?

Nell: Moving on, it was good to see David running around.

Me: And Harriet.

Nell: Harriet always runs around. David is usually lead bound.

Me: True.

Nell: Now, you may have noticed things are a little quieter around here.

Me: I hadn’t, actually.

Nell: Are you not missing the dulcet cries of the seagulls?

Me: Oh yes. We haven’t heard from the Beefies in a while.

Nell: That’s because Herr Hoffmann’s eyes have been opened.

Me: What happened?

Nell: They stole Frau Hoffmann’s Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte.

Me: That’s outrageous.

Nell: It’s also almost impossible to say.

Me: Just call it a Black Forest gateau.

Nell: Yes. She’d made it as a surprise for Herr Hoffmann. It’s his favourite.

Me: I love a Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte, too.

Nell: I thought we were just saying gateau.

Me: Apologies.

Nell: Anyway, she put it on the side to fetch some plates and cake forks.

Me: You need cake forks with a gateau.

Nell: That’s not the point.

Me: No.

Nell: And when she came back, it was gone.

Me: How shocking.

Nell: And the Beefies were flying around with cream on their beaks and cake in their feathers.

Me: The hooligans.

Nell: She screamed and Herr Hoffmann came running out.

Me: I didn’t know he could run.

Nell: That’s not the point, either. He was very angry and disappointed.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Harriet can be rebellious on the sly.

Nell: Surely not.

Me: She knows you dogs go in the back of the car.

Nell: She does.

Me: When I came out to the car I found her sitting in the front.

Nell: She prefers the view.

Me: She saw me coming and pretended she hadn’t seen me.

Nell: Wise move.

Me: And when I got nearer, she smiled.

Nell: Harriet is an exceptionally well mannered animal.

Me: It was naughty.

Nell: She moved eventually.

Me: She shouldn’t do it. Dave doesn’t.

Nell: David couldn’t get into the front if he tried.

Me: True. I don’t know how Harriet gets past the dog gate.

Nell: Nobody does.

Me: Anyway, she shouldn’t do it.

Nell: Have you finished complaining?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Can we move on to Other Business?

Me: We can.

Nell: Only I know it’s a rainy Monday and you’re disappointed England lost the match.

Me: Spain outplayed us. They deserved to win. We can be proud of reaching the final.

Nell: We most certainly can. Finished?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Now, bearing in mind that it’s only two weeks tomorrow until Alice and the grandchildren arrive.

Me: Is it really?

Nell; Yes.

Me: That’s exciting.

Nell: It is.

Me: We need to start planning.

Nell: That’s exactly what I was going to say. In fact, everyone is waiting for you downstairs.

Me: For me?

Nell: Yes. I thought you might like to chair the Family Visit Planning Committee.

Me: I’d love to. Let me get my notebook and pen.

Nell: There’s a pot of tea and a plate of biscuits waiting for you, too. Well, there is if David hasn’t eaten them all by mistake.

Me: This has really cheered me up.

Nell: That was the idea.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I’m glad you still enjoy paddling in the water. I’ve just realised I haven’t been swimming in the sea this year.

Nell: That’s because you’ve been coughing since 1st June.

Me: I’m beginning to think it is Covid.

Nell: The nurse thinks it is.

Me: Thank goodness dogs can’t catch it.

Nell: Yes. Kennel cough is more than enough.

Me: Are you ready for the big game tonight?

Nell: We all are. Look outside.

Me: The llamas are playing football in England shirts. How sweet.

Nell: Have you seen the Welsh Corgi Choir?

Me: They’re waving England flags. Bless them.

Nell: Strictly speaking they shouldn’t be doing that.

Me: Why?

Nell: They’re Welsh.

Me: I think we all sort of club together in times like these. It is the final, and it’s in Berlin, my other home, which is very exciting.

Nell: It’s the men’s final at Wimbledon, too.

Me: Yes. All in all it’s a super sporty sort of day.

Nell: David needs to calm down. He’s been texting with Harry Kane all morning.

Me: He shouldn’t be doing that.

Nell: They’ve been discussing breakfasts. Harry’s not sure a bacon sandwich is a good idea.

Me: But we always have bacon sandwiches at the weekend.

Nell: Not for us. For the England team. Do keep up. We’re having roast beef with all the trimmings for lunch.

Me: Yes. Herr Hoffmann says today is an English day. There will be strawberries and cream during the Wimbledon Final. I’m surprised you’re not there.

Nell: My place is here with you all.

Me: That’s really lovely of you, Nell.

Nell: And I couldn’t get tickets for love, or money.

Me: I see.

Nell: Only joking. It’s time for Sunday Songs. Do you know the words to ‘Three Lions’?

Me: No. Sorry.

Nell: That’s Marvin and Toby.

Me: Yes. I thought people would like to see them.

Nell: Marvin is annoyed with Chris and Shannon. They left him behind in Toronto for a whole week.

Me: They went to a wedding and then to see the family in Berlin. They couldn’t come and see us because they didn’t want to leave Marvin for too long.

Nell: They were still gone for a whole week.

Me: The trouble with you dogs is you aren’t that clear on time.

Nell: I’m extremely clear on time, thank you very much.

Me: Fine. Apart from you. You’re the exception to the rule.

Nell: It’s part of my job. You can’t run this household without keeping to a timetable.

Me: Don’t we know it.

Nell: Toby certainly has a lot of his Uncle David about him.

Me: Yes. Sue sent me the photo. She says he’s the best.

Nell: Don’t let David hear that. He thinks he’s the best.

Me: Dave and Tony are best buddies but Toby is Tony and Sue’s best boy and Marvin is Chris and Shannon’s.

Nell: Who’s their best girl?

Me: They don’t have one.

Nell: You do.

Me: I have several best girls. You and Harriet and Poppy.

Nell: I noticed I came first.

Me: I love you all, Nell and I always will. Can we talk about the delivery man now, please? Kev said there was an incident yesterday.

Nell: Part of a Labrador’s job is to let all newcomers know we’re on duty and guarding our home.

Me: You chased him down the drive.

Nell: Yes, that was fun.

Me: It was very naughty. Kev had to explain you were harmless.

Nell: I am not.

Me: You’re all bark, Nell, and you shouldn’t have done that.

Nell: No. Sorry.

Me: You won’t believe this.

Nell: I might.

Me: Harriet was waiting for something, or someone, and because it took too long, she rolled up a cushion and rested her head on it.

Nell: And then?

Me: That’s it. I thought it was really clever of her.

Nell: We are talking about the same Harriet here, aren’t we?

Me: Yes.

Nell: International spy Harriet?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Niece of Eleanor Martin, also known as Nell, matriarch of the Martin family?

Me: Matriarch is a bit strong.

Nell: It is what it is. Are you referring to wild swimmer Harriet?

Me: Of course I am.

Nell: Why would you think rolling up a cushion was anything special for a Labrador like Harriet?

Me: I don’t really know.

Nell: And more importantly, who, or what, was Harriet waiting for?

Me: I don’t know.

Nell: All in all, this has been a most unsatisfactory conversation.

Me: It started out well. You just decided to pick on me.

Nell: I’m not picking on you. I’m merely pointing out the error of your ways. There is more to life than rolling up a cushion.

Me: I didn’t roll it up. Harriet did.

Nell: Don’t start all that again. Now, I realise there is another viewing this afternoon, so I presume we are going to be thrown out of our home even though the weather forecast is predicting rain.

Me: We can’t be there when the viewing takes place.

Nell: Fine, then let’s at least go to the Cottage Hotel for a cream tea.

Me: I’m afraid arriving there for tea with three Labradors might be a bit much. Especially when one of them is a giant.

Nell: David is the Mayor of Kingsbridge. He’s welcomed with open arms wherever he goes.

Me: Of course. Sorry.