Me: I just love the way the puppies are together.

Nell; They’re not puppies.

Me: Dave gently resting his head on Harriet’s back thinking deep thoughts.

Nell: There’s nothing gentle about it and David will be thinking about bacon.

Me: I know his head is heavy, Nell, but he rests it on her ever so gently and we all think about bacon occasionally.

Nell: True.

Me: And besides, Harriet doesn’t mind him resting on her at all.

Nell: He’d better not try it with me or Poppy.

Me: He knows you have arthritis, Nell and Poppy is a free spirit. She doesn’t like to be pinned down.

Nell: Talking of pinning down, PC Panda is interviewing Kev today.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Kev’s not going to be able to tap his nose at him. He will be expecting proper answers.

Me: Will Sally be sitting in on the interview?

Nell: Why should she?

Me: There’s no way Kev would have done all this without a reason and the only one I can think of is that Sally told him to do it for some reason.

Nell: You’ve lost me.

Me: I think Kev might be pretending to be a Baddy.

Nell: Best not to speculate. Miss Maple’s Boys say Kev could have borrowed the chauffeur’s hat from Mr Giggles.

Me: What does Mr Giggles say?

Nell: He just laughs.

Me: I hate that laugh. It’s horrid.

Nell: So do I. And those teeth.

Me: He really needs to get them cleaned.

Nell: Personally, I wouldn’t borrow anything from Mr Giggles.

Me: Are we being a bit hyenaist? He can’t help who he is.

Nell: Maybe. Lionel says he has a heart of gold under that rough exterior.

Me: I wouldn’t believe a word Lionel says.

Nell: Don’t start.

Me: Sorry.

Me: It was one of those sparkling days down on the beach, wasn’t it?

Nell: Sparkling? What do you mean?

Me: Clear blue skies, cold crisp air and sparkling sunshine.

Nell: I agree. I’m thinking of wearing my sunglasses the next time we go.

Me: Good idea. The surfers were all enjoying themselves.

Nell: Yes, David wanted to join them but I told him it was far too cold.

Me: Harriet doesn’t care.

Nell: She’s half seal if you ask me.

Me: Talking of seals, how are Lord and Lady Blubbery?

Nell: Fine, but you can stop that right now. You know Roger is only a Sir because Poppy knighted him, which she had no right to do, by the way.

Me: I wonder if they will be invited to The King’s Coronation in May?

Nell: Of course not. I might be, however.

Me: Really?

Nell: The late Queen and I were on very good terms. We often took tea together.

Me: Does Charlie know that?

Nell: Don’t call the King Charlie, please. He is King Charles III.

Me: I was just teasing.

Nell: You seem in a good mood. Have you forgiven Kev?

Me: No, but I’ve decided to try and put it out of my mind for a bit. I was talking to Knitwear Wolf and he said things have a way of working themselves out if you just let them be.

Nell: I don’t know what he means by that.

Me: I think he was referring to your ridiculous obsession with Lionel King. It makes Rupert very sad you know.

Nell: Nonsense. I am merely giving Lionel the chance to prove he is a good lion.

Me: You’re living in fantasy land.

Nell: That’s rich coming from you.

Me: Yes. You might have a point there. Sorry.

Me: Were you playing Cheeky Animals with Kev?

Nell: Certainly not.

Me: I saw you stick your tongue out.

Nell: That was to show him how annoyed I am.

Me: Really?

Nell: Yes. He’s refusing to apologise or show any sign of remorse.

Me: I know. If I try and ask him to explain himself he just taps his nose. It’s so annoying.

Nell: I agree.

Me: I thought he was busy painting the upstairs bedroom. What was he doing chatting to you?

Nell: He needed to answer a few urgent emails.

Me: I hope he isn’t ordering any more stuffed animals.

Nell: Who knows?

Me: And why on earth has he started speaking French?

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: I caught him talking on the phone to someone in French. I didn’t even know he could speak it.

Nell: Are you sure it was French?

Me: Yes.

Nell: It definitely wasn’t Swedish?

Me: No, I can tell the difference.

Nell: Does Sally know about this?

Me: I don’t know. She seems extraordinarily relaxed about it all.

Nell: Yes, I noticed that too. She told David not to worry.

Me: He is an awful worrier. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Kev told me not to worry about my pearls, or Mutley’s cufflinks, by the way.

Me: Did he?

Nell: Yes. He said they were somewhere safe and tapped his nose.

Me: I wish he’d stop doing that.

Nell: I have to say Lionel King has been a great comfort.

Me: He’s probably gloating.

Nell: No, he reminded me that anyone can slip up and it doesn’t have to mean they are bad.

Me: He was talking about himself and he is bad.

Nell: Not this time. I’m afraid Kev is the one who’s slipped up.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: What’s the matter with you and Harriet?

Nell: David and Poppy just told us something rather upsetting.

Me: No. I absolutely refuse to believe they have anything to do with A Friend. Whatever Miss Maple and the Dachshund Boys say they are wrong.

Nell: Miss Maple isn’t saying anything of the kind. She knows David and Poppy are innocent.

Me: Thank goodness for that.

Nell: But someone else isn’t.

Me: It’s that lion. I kept telling you not to trust him but you wouldn’t listen.

Nell: Lionel King has nothing to do with it either.

Me: How can you be so sure?

Nell: Because on Saturday night David and Poppy saw someone move the Stuffed Tiger and Johnny Rabbit.

Me: Who was it?

Nell: They don’t know how to tell you.

Me: Why?

Nell: It was Kev.

Me: Our Kev?

Nell: Yes, and when he saw them he winked and put his finger to his lips.

Me: Are you trying to tell me that Kev is A Friend?

Nell: It looks like he might be.

Me: But why would he do that? Are they absolutely certain?

Nell: They’re positive. They didn’t want to say anything but Miss Maple got it out of them.

Me: Did she use bacon?

Nell: I believe bacon sandwiches were involved. David caved in first.

Me: Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: And Miss Maple tricked Poppy into telling her by accusing David of lying.

Me: I can’t believe it.

Nell: Nobody can.

Me: Does Sally know?

Nell: Yes. She didn’t seem surprised, so we think David might have told her last night.

Me: I need to talk to Kev right now.

Nell: I’m afraid he’s in a meeting with Sally and can’t be disturbed.

Me: I don’t care. I’m not waiting any longer. Sorry.

Me: What an amazing party that was. My sisters had a marvellous time.

Nell: Could you lower your voice, please?

Me: Too many cocktails yesterday? Babycakes Gillespie was incredible. Throwing those cocktail shakers around like a professional.

Nell: He’s from the United States.

Me: You don’t expect a pug to be so agile. Poppy was impressed.

Nell: She certainly sampled more than a few.

Me: So did Miss Maple and she was supposed to be on duty.

Nell: Don’t worry about Maple. She knows what she’s doing.

Me: Why was Kev dressed as a chauffeur?

Nell: He went to collect Sally from her hotel and thought it would amuse her I expect. You know what he’s like.

Me: He does enjoy a joke.

Nell: Not as much as Mr Giggles. He nearly frightened all our guests away.

Me: Wasn’t it kind of my sister Alex to bring me a cake with your face on it?

Nell: I’m not sure the likeness was quite there but it was extremely thoughtful.

Me: I loved it. Anyway, have we heard back from the surveillance team yet? Did they manage to uncover A Friend?

Nell: I’m afraid there is some rather worrying footage from yesterday evening.

Me: Tell me.

Nell: The Stuffed Tiger and his bunny accomplice have moved chairs.

Me: On their own?

Nell: Of course not.

Me: It must have been A Friend then. Did they catch it on camera?

Nell: No, but David was filmed lurking near the stuffed animals.

Me: Dave? My Big Brave Beautiful Boy?

Nell: Yes, and he wasn’t alone.

Me: What?

Nell: Poppy was also filmed hiding behind the chair.

Me: This can’t be true.

Nell: I’m afraid it is. Look for yourself. David and Poppy have some explaining to do.

Me: I don’t believe it. Sorry.

Me: Dave’s wearing his top hat already and the Birthday Ball isn’t until this evening.

Nell: Yes, I’m afraid David is a little previous.

Me: Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. He and Harriet have been waiting by the window for ages.

Nell: They want to be the first to greet the guests.

Me: Bless them.

Nell: Now, I’ve something important to tell you but it mustn’t affect your behaviour this evening.

Me: What is it?

Nell: The Stuffed Tiger received another postcard.

Me: Gosh. What did it say?

Nell: ‘See you later, alligator.’

Me: Was it signed ‘Crocodile’?

Nell: Of course not. It was signed ‘A Friend’.

Me: Does that mean what I think it means?

Nell: I don’t know unless you tell me.

Me: A Friend is coming to the Ball.

Nell: Yes.

Me: Oh my goodness. Hang on to your pearls.

Nell: I don’t have any, remember? Miss Maple and Sally are fully aware and measures are being put in place.

Me: Are we going to be armed?

Nell: Certainly not. Apart from Poppy and Maple who are never without their swords.

Me: That’s a relief.

Nell: There will be a lot of filming, however.

Me: Yes, Our Penguin told me. He’s going to stream it later on YouChewed. I’m so glad Sir Roger and Princess are back.

Nell: They’d better not clap their way through the whole proceedings.

Me: It’s a seal thing.

Nell: Anyway, I was actually referring to secret filming.

Me: How exciting.

Nell: Henry and Horst have been busy with their surveillance team and Hope and Leo will be wearing cameras on their hats.

Me: I’ll make sure I have a nice smile then.

Nell: Please don’t. You look like you‘re in pain. Try and act normally, if that’s even possible.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Why can’t you just look at the camera? You know I’m trying to take your photo.

Nell: Why can’t you just let me enjoy my walk on the beach in peace?

Me: We all want to see your beautiful silvery face.

Nell: Less of the silvery, please. Now, what do you think about masks?

Me: Excuse me?

Nell: Someone suggested a masked ball.

Me: Isn’t it a bit late for that? The ball is tomorrow.

Nell: That’s what I said, but The Cat disagreed.

Me: I used to have a gorgeous peacock blue feathery eye mask. One of the ones you carry on a stick.

Nell: Very Venetian.

Me: Exactly. Goodness only knows what happened to it.

Nell: I thought I saw one of the llamas wearing something similar yesterday but I might be mistaken.

Me: I’ve got one of those restorative face masks and half a cucumber.

Nell: What are you talking about?

Me: The ones that make your face all tingly.

Nell: And the cucumber?

Me: You slice it and put it on your eyes.

Nell: I’d rather have it in my salad, thank you.

Me: Personally, I think people should be able to come to the ball dressed as they please.

Nell: My friend Dorothy is wearing Bark Jacobs.

Me: Don’t you mean Marc Jacobs, the New York fashion designer?

Nell: No. I mean Bark Jacobs a Devon based Dogue de Bordeaux.

Me: I don’t think I know him.

Nell: He’s a friend of The Cat’s and his designs are extremely popular with the Salcombe set.

Me: I see. Talking of friends, do you think A Friend is going to be at the ball?

Nell: Miss Maple is sure of it.

Me: How exciting. Maybe he will finally be unmasked.

Nell: Or she.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Look at The Boys sharing a bed. Aren’t they adorable?

Nell: Harriet and I are sharing a bed.

Me: It’s different. Look at those sweet little faces. You wouldn’t think they were trained killers, would you?

Nell: That’s because they’re not. They’re Miss Maple’s assistants and are here to find A Friend.

Me: I thought they were here to unmask the villain who stole the jewellery.

Nell: Good grief. That’s what I just said.

Me: I see. Talking of friends, Poppy’s taken a shine to Leo. She’s making him Eggs Benedict for breakfast.

Nell: Which one’s Leo?

Me: The big colourful softy.

Nell: He’s a dachshund.

Me: The bigger of the two then. Hope is small and feisty.

Nell: Rather like Poppy and Miss Maple. Now, preparations for the Birthday Ball on Saturday are coming along well.

Me: Good.

Nell: The Cat says you were a little difficult about your ballgown.

Me: I’m too old and round for sequins, Nell. A simple dress will do.

Nell: You’re the guest of honour. Stop arguing and go with the flow.

Me: I don’t see you in sequins.

Nell: Of course not. The mere idea. The men and Poppy will be in top hats and tails.

Me: Dave loves a top hat. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: You’ll be pleased to hear that David will be performing with Gladys and the llamas.

Me: Are the llamas wearing top hats?

Nell: Don’t be silly. They’ll be in sparkly catsuits and heels. Do keep up.

Me: I hope my sisters will be okay with all this. They think they’re coming to dinner.

Nell: They’ll be fine. The Cat has a selection of ballgowns.

Me: Maybe I should warn them.

Nell: You just have. They read your conversations every day.

Me: Oh yes. Sorry.