Slay the Beast

Me: Harriet and Dave are fighting in the living room.

Nell: Are they?

Me: Harriet seems to have won. She was really fierce. My poor Big Brave Beautiful Boy didn’t stand a chance.

Nell: Of course he didn’t. They are playing ‘Slay the Beast’. Harriet has to win because David is the Beast.

Me: Why is Dave the Beast?

Nell: Don’t ask silly questions. If Harriet is going to defend herself in this big wide world she must learn to overcome obstacles large and small.

Me: Dave isn’t an obstacle.

Nell: And if David is going to be a gentle giant he must learn to succumb to those smaller than himself.

Me: He did.

Nell: Good animal. Sometimes winning is losing.

Me: I suppose it is.

Nell: Now, could you tell me if there is a walrus in the kitchen?

Me: I’ll go and look.

Nell: Thank you.

Me: Yes. There is.

Nell: What is it doing?

Me: Eating fish with Oliver and Malcolm.

Nell: Fresh, or tinned?

Me: It looks fresh to me.

Nell: Interesting. Is it talking in Inuktitut?

Me: I don’t know. It’s got its mouth full at the moment and I’ve never heard anyone speak Inuktitut before.

Nell: Never mind.

Me: In fact I don’t even know what Inuktitut is.

Nell: You’ve obviously never been to the Arctic.

Me: Neither have you.

Nell: This isn’t about me.

Me: I give up. Are you going to tell me why there’s a walrus in the kitchen?

Nell: It’s obvious, isn’t it?

Me: Not really.

Nell: It’s Arctic Bob. He’s here to help.

Me: Arctic Bob?

Nell: Stop repeating everything I say.

Me: Help with what? The dancing?

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. Walruses don’t dance. He’s tracking the ship with The Cat’s jewellery box.

Me: Oh, I see. Sorry.

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