Me: Harriet and Dave are fighting in the living room.
Nell: Are they?
Me: Harriet seems to have won. She was really fierce. My poor Big Brave Beautiful Boy didn’t stand a chance.
Nell: Of course he didn’t. They are playing ‘Slay the Beast’. Harriet has to win because David is the Beast.
Me: Why is Dave the Beast?
Nell: Don’t ask silly questions. If Harriet is going to defend herself in this big wide world she must learn to overcome obstacles large and small.
Me: Dave isn’t an obstacle.
Nell: And if David is going to be a gentle giant he must learn to succumb to those smaller than himself.
Me: He did.
Nell: Good animal. Sometimes winning is losing.
Me: I suppose it is.
Nell: Now, could you tell me if there is a walrus in the kitchen?
Me: I’ll go and look.
Nell: Thank you.
Me: Yes. There is.
Nell: What is it doing?
Me: Eating fish with Oliver and Malcolm.
Nell: Fresh, or tinned?
Me: It looks fresh to me.
Nell: Interesting. Is it talking in Inuktitut?
Me: I don’t know. It’s got its mouth full at the moment and I’ve never heard anyone speak Inuktitut before.
Nell: Never mind.
Me: In fact I don’t even know what Inuktitut is.
Nell: You’ve obviously never been to the Arctic.
Me: Neither have you.
Nell: This isn’t about me.
Me: I give up. Are you going to tell me why there’s a walrus in the kitchen?
Nell: It’s obvious, isn’t it?
Me: Not really.
Nell: It’s Arctic Bob. He’s here to help.
Me: Arctic Bob?
Nell: Stop repeating everything I say.
Me: Help with what? The dancing?
Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. Walruses don’t dance. He’s tracking the ship with The Cat’s jewellery box.
Me: Oh, I see. Sorry.