Me: Did you know that you can tell an awful lot about animals from the way they drink?

Nell: Here we go.

Me: You are patient and prefer to wait.

Nell: True.

Me: You could also be seen as caring as you allow others to go first.

Nell: Thank you.

Me: Although I think it has more to do with needing space.

Nell: I have the wisdom of maturity, if you must know. Good things come to those who wait and we, senior Labradors, are experienced at doing just that.

Me: Harriet is all about getting things done quickly and efficiently. A short drink is sufficient and she steps aside to allow others their turn.

Nell: That sounds about right.

Me: Poppy is straight in there. If she needs a drink she is having one. No matter how many larger animals are at the bowl.

Nell: And David?

Me: Dave just drinks. And drinks. And drinks. And drinks.

Nell; He is a large animal.

Me: He would probably still be drinking now if we hadn’t continued our walk.

Nell: David has a huge capacity to live in the moment.

Me: Yes. Life is there to be enjoyed and he is going to do it.

Nell: I don’t think he even noticed I was waiting.

Me: No.

Nell: So, I decided I might as well join him.

Me: A wise move.

Nell: I could have been sitting there all day otherwise.

Me: Or at least until the bowl was empty.

Nell: The bowl was never going to be empty.

Me: Really?

Nell: Kev was there with a big container of water. He was never going to let that happen.

Me: Yes.

Nell: And you would have given me your water.

Me: I would.

Nell: You and me. Always.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Harriet is on the yellow chair Looking Worried.

Me: Harriet is absolutely fine. She hasn’t been sick now at all for over 24 hours and her appetite is back.

Nell: Maybe she’s worried she might not get a bacon sandwich.

Me: She’s right then. She’s just having plain toast and a little scrambled egg.

Nell: An animal can’t exist on a little scrambled egg. Ask David.

Me: She has to take it slowly. She can’t go rushing into bacon after being ill.

Nell: You’ll have to tell her. I’m not.

Me: Did I see PC Panda’s car here early this morning?

Nell: Yes. Lionel King has been taken into custody. He has agreed to help the police with their enquiries in return for immunity.

Me: Is he going to get a new identity then?

Nell: I don’t know. Maybe.

Me: If they covered him in spots he might be able to pass as a leopard.

Nell: I beg your pardon? Lionel King has a luxurious mane.

Me: He would have to shave it off, Nell.

Nell: Do you think I would pass for a Golden Retriever if I wore a blonde wig?

Me: No. It would need to be an all over coat, Nell. Why would you want to do that?

Nell: Never mind.

Me: If Dave was a yellow Labrador and wore a mane he could easily pass for a lion. He has a lot of the lion about him. Have you seen the way he prowls around? Very liony.

Nell: There is no such word. Nobody is passing for anything, so stop making ridiculous suggestions.

Me: People are always getting llamas and alpacas confused so they could easily swap identities, although Gladys and the Alpacas doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Nell: Enough.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me; Wasn’t it priceless when Dave realised Tony could come through the outside gate again?

Nell: Yes. Harriet and I knew it was Tony at the door and got there first.

Me: You were all so excited.

Nell: We haven’t been able to see him for a few weeks because of isolating.

Me: Yes. Dave did a double take and then leapt into Tony’s arms.

Nell: I’m glad Tony was expecting it. David is not the lightest of creatures.

Me: It wasn’t the same greeting him over the gate, was it?

Nell: There’s nothing like a real cuddle.

Me: Yes. I wonder when I’m going to be able to do that with Alice and Chris again. Not to mention Jonathan and Faye.

Nell: You need to get well first and restrictions from Canada need to be lifted.

Me: Yes. I know. It’s just been so long, Nell.

Nell: You are not the only one. The main thing is everyone stays safe.

Me: Yes, it is.

Nell: Now, Harriet was sick again after eating yesterday. Even though it was only rice.

Me: I know. I’m worried about her.

Nell: Kev is waiting to see how she copes with a light breakfast but if she is sick again he is taking her to see the vet.

Me: Yes. My poor darling girl. At least she wasn’t ill in the night.

Nell: She needs to know that sleeping on your bed is only for poorly animals.

Me: And Poppy.

Nell: Poppy has special privileges. Everyone knows that.

Me: The fish stew was delicious, by the way.

Nell: I wouldn’t know. We had bacon sandwiches.

Me: I hope Poppy wasn’t annoyed.

Nell: She made them. She wasn’t going to let us go hungry. It’s back to Sunday roasts next week.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Me: You know when we go to the activity field?

Nell: Yes.

Me: I wouldn’t say you spend a lot of time there on actual activity.

Nell: How many times do I need to remind you that a sniffari is an important activity?

Me: And sitting and letting the wind blow through your ears?

Nell: That too. Anyway, enough about activity, it is wearing me out. Sunday is a day of rest.

Me: Kev and I will need a rest after last night.

Nell: Why?

Me: Harriet was sick. Several times. Let me tell you nothing makes you jump out of bed faster than that sound.

Nell: She seems fine now.

Me: Yes. Thank goodness.

Nell: Well, she won’t be allowed to have any of the ridiculous substitution for a roast dinner that Poppy is making. Lucky her.

Me: What ridiculous substitution?

Nell: Gooey mess.

Me: It sounds awful.

Nell: It’s a Mediterranean fish stew.

Me: Oh, you mean Bouillabaisse.

Nell: Do I? All I can say is Sundays are for roast dinners. It’s all Malcolm’s fault.

Me: Why? What has Malcolm got to do with it?

Nell: He only went and listened to Rupert and told Poppy about the shop bought scones.

Me: And being prawnless and alone?

Nell: Yes. Poppy was annoyed and scolded him for going to the Beefies and not telling her about his need for flamingo pinkness.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: She said there will always be a prawn in the house for him here. Princess and Our Penguin go down to the sea every day and Terry is on claw to deliver fish if required.

Me: How lovely.

Nell: No, it isn’t. Now we’ve all got to eat fish stew. On a Sunday. With a French baguette. Not even roast potatoes.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Look at my Big Brave Beautiful Boy with his toy.

Nell: That’s not a toy. It’s a Precious Possession.

Me: It can still be a toy.

Nell: David is four. He must put aside childish things.

Me: Rubbish. He’ll always be a puppy to me.

Nell: Anyway, you’ll be pleased to hear that Rupert has spoken to Malcolm.

Me: About what? Wellington boots?

Nell: No. Shop bought scones. Why mention Wellington boots?

Me: Malcolm is going to need a pair if this rain doesn’t stop soon.

Nell: Do you want to know what happened?

Me: Yes. What did Malcolm say?

Nell: He did it to protect Poppy.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: He doesn’t want Poppy’s scones ‘to be dragged into this awful mess.’ I quote.

Me: What mess?

Nell: I’m afraid Malcolm has been buying shellfish from the Beefies.

Me: What?

Nell: It started with a few prawns but now it has escalated to a whole lobster.

Me: That’s shocking. How did it happen?

Nell: It’s all to do with maintaining his flamingo pinkness, of course. You may have noticed he was looking a little pale recently.

Me: I did.

Nell: Malcolm isn’t a vain bird but he likes to look his best for Susan.

Me: But why did he go to the Beefies?

Nell: They caught him at a vulnerable moment. Prawnless and alone.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: And now they have him and they are threatening to tell Poppy if he doesn’t provide them with scones.

Me: The ruthless ruffians. What can he do?

Nell: Rupert says the only thing to do in cases like this is to come clean.

Me: I’m not sure a bath will help, although I know flamingos enjoy one.

Nell: No. Malcolm has to tell Poppy himself.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Is there a reason why Poppy is hiding?

Nell: We are having an undercover conversation.

Me: It’s more of an underpillow one to be honest.

Nell: Very funny. It is highly confidential.

Me: Can you tell me about it?

Nell: What did I just say?

Me: I can be highly confidential.

Nell: We both know that isn’t true.

Me: Well, I can give it a good go.

Nell: Do you think that’s what James Bond said to M when he was given his latest mission?

Me: Probably not. Poppy must be James Bond then because you are definitely M.

Nell: Sally is M and you know it.

Me: I knew it. I knew she was M. What’s Poppy’s mission?

Nell: Poppy doesn’t have a mission. If you must know she is deeply concerned about Malcolm.

Me: Oh dear. Was it a prawn omelette under his hat?

Nell: No. It was much more worrying than that.

Me: Not a cheese soufflé?

Nell: Why would that be worrying?

Me: They can drop ever so quickly, Nell, especially if carried under a hat.

Nell: It wasn’t a cheese soufflé.

Me: What was it then?

Nell: A shop bought scone.

Me: What? I can’t believe it. Poppy would never allow shop bought scones in the house.

Nell: I know. They are banned.

Me: How did she find out?

Nell: A Beefy threw it at her this morning and said ‘Nasty scone. Give it back to Malcolm.’

Me: The Beefy might have been lying. It probably bought the scone itself.

Nell: Beefies never buy. They only steal. Do keep up.

Me: Why would Malcolm do such a dreadful thing?

Nell: I don’t know but I mean to find out.

Me: By fair or fowl means? See what I did there?

Nell: Enough.

Me: Sorry.

Me: Where’s Dave? I haven’t seen him since breakfast and he usually joins me upstairs for a cup of tea.

Nell; Outside birdwatching with Poppy, although she seems to be getting a little bored.

Me: I didn’t know they were twitchers.

Nell: Why would you say such a thing? Poppy and David don’t twitch. They can keep really still if they want to.

Me: No. I meant birdwatchers.

Nell: They are only temporary birdwatchers. Were you even listening at Morning Thoughts?

Me: Not really. I was thinking about Knitwear Wolf’s new cardigan. It really is a lovely shade of brown and it looks ever so soft. I wonder if we should get Kev one for his birthday.

Nell: Could we stop discussing Rupert’s wardrobe, please, and move on to the most pressing issue at paw?

Me: Yes, of course. Would you call the colour of his cardigan a conker brown?

Nell: No. Conker brown is a richer colour with a certain warmth about it. Rupert’s cardigan is more of a taupe.

Me: You’re right. It is.

Nell: Anyway, there has been a lot of suspicious bird activity reported across the country.

Me: Gosh. I wonder why.

Nell: We believe an alert has gone out after the arrest of Lionel King.

Me: Is he arrested though, Nell? Only the last time I saw him he was eating toast and marmalade with Beauregard.

Nell: Beauregard is on breakfast duty because David is busy with the birds. He managed to capture one of those hooligan birds stealing the small birds’ suet ball this morning.

Me: Did he capture it in a net?

Nell: What are you talking about? No, on his iBone. Sally is asking for all sightings of bad bird behaviour to be photographed and sent in. Do keep up.

Me: Sorry.

Me: Harriet is awfully good at Cheeky Animals.

Nell: She’s a trained spy.

Me: One minute she looks like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth and the next she’s sticking her tongue out.

Nell: How do you feel about butter on your scone?

Me: I don’t need it. As long as I have the jam and cream I’m happy.

Nell: My friend Dorothy likes butter on hers but I find that excessive.

Me: I agree, although sometimes I do like a plain scone with just butter.

Nell: I worry about you sometimes. Anyway, you’ll be pleased to hear that David has made a breakthrough with Lionel.

Me: My clever Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Apparently they bonded over bacon sandwiches and Lionel revealed that NOIR are also involved in the distribution of stolen gems.

Me: The Notorious Organisation of International Rooks?

Nell: The very same.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: David also noticed a very suspicious gang of rowdy blackbirds bothering the smaller birds and stealing their suet balls, so they may be involved too.

Me: I don’t think suet balls are the same as diamonds and pearls, Nell.

Nell: They are if you’re a small bird and you’re hungry.

Me: Yes, I suppose so.

Nell: Sally has asked us all to keep a close eye on any suspicious bird activity in the area.

Me: Does that include Malcolm? Only he was looking a little shifty this morning.

Nell: What are you talking about? Malcolm couldn’t look shifty if he tried. He is a completely honourable flamingo.

Me: He was definitely hiding something, Nell. He put it under his hat.

Nell: Interesting. Did it look like a prawn omelette?

Me: No. It was a simple cotton sun hat.

Nell: I meant what was under it.

Me: Oh, I didn’t see. Sorry.

Me: You know when we went to the activity field for our walk yesterday?

Nell: Yes?

Me: You girls were doing an awful lot of sniffing and sitting.

Nell: Sniffing and sitting? Haven’t you ever heard of a Sniffari?

Me: Yes, I think I read about it in Chloe’s article in The Growl on Sunday.

Nell: Well then. Exercise is an all round experience for an animal. It is not only about the walking and running, you know.

Me: I see. It’s just that sometimes it looked like you and Harriet were simply having a good gossip.

Nell: Gossip? I never gossip. How dare you.

Me: You certainly do, Nell. You and your friend Dorothy are constantly texting each other.

Nell: We are in the same WoofsApp group. It would be rude not to answer.

Me: I thought you might have been discussing a certain handsome wolf and a naughty lion. Not to mention a rather charismatic tiger.

Nell: If you are referring to Rupert, Lionel and Beauregard stop that right now.

Me: Just saying.

Nell: Well don’t.

Me: I mean I’ve heard of being caught in a love triangle but never a quadrangle.

Nell: Nobody is caught in anything. Except for Lionel who is well and truly caught now. Thank goodness.

Me: Why is he still here then?

Nell: Ask Sally. You know David has joined the interrogation team.

Me: What? My Big Brave Beautiful Boy isn’t an interrogator. He’s much too kind.

Nell: That’s what I said, but Sally insists that David’s kindness is disarming.

Me: I suppose it is.

Nell: Apparently Lionel enjoys talking to David.

Me: Who wouldn’t? I expect Dave enjoys talking to him.

Nell: That’s not the point. They aren’t there for a chat. Lionel is full of useful information.

Me: Oh yes. Sorry.

Me: Isn’t it wonderful to start the week with some good news for a change?

Nell: It certainly is.

Me: Everyone meet Toby. Dave and Harriet’s nephew and Nell’s great nephew. He will be coming to live with Tony and Sue very soon.

Nell: And the clever boy already knows how to play Cheeky Animals.

Me: Yes, he’s going to settle in perfectly. His nickname is Fluffy because of his fluffy hair. A bit like you really.

Nell: Excuse me? I have thick, wavy hair. Fluffy, indeed.

Me: Yes, of course.

Nell: Anyway, I’ll tell you who isn’t going to settle in perfectly.

Me: Who?

Nell: That wretched lion. You do realise Lionel King is still here.

Me: Why isn’t he at the police station?

Nell: He is still helping Sally with her enquiries.

Me: Is Lionel in the living room?

Nell: Yes. Why?

Me: I thought I saw Knitwear Wolf go in there just now with a very serious face.

Nell: You probably did. I know Rupert wanted a quiet word with Lionel alone.

Me: They’re not going to fight, are they?

Nell: Why on earth would they do that?

Me: Because of you, Nell. Rupert is very protective of you and Lionel wanted to take you away.

Nell: I’m not going anywhere.

Me: Knitwear Wolf will make sure of that.

Nell: Rupert and I are just friends.

Me: If you say so, but I know what I see.

Nell: Well, I can see Gladys and the llamas limbering up in the field. Why is she wearing an Aztec crown?

Me: Alejandro gave it to her. He says she is his queen.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: If Rupert had an Aztec crown you would be wearing it.

Nell: Nonsense. Rupert would never have an Aztec crown.

Me: No. Sorry.