Nell: That incessant honking has to stop. Those Canadians are driving me mad.

Me: They are just cheerful geese.

Nell: There’s no such thing.

Me: It’s a holiday weekend in Canada and it’s Thanksgiving on Monday so they’re bound to be excited.

Nell: Yes, I am aware. Little Marvin is exhausted just thinking about it.

Me: Dear little pup. He is growing up so quickly. You know he is actually from Texas.

Nell: Yes. I knew that.

Me: I expect he speaks with that lovely Texan drawl.

Nell: He has a slight Southern accent but nothing too pronounced. I noticed it the last time we FaceTimed on WoofsApp.

Me: I bet he would love to be here with the family

Nell: Yes. Talking of family it’s Alice’s birthday tomorrow so Poppy is baking two cakes.

Me: Two?

Nell: Yes. Chocolate is Alice’s favourite but it is an Absolute No Go with us dogs so she decided on a Victoria Sandwich as the second one.

Me: You can’t go wrong with a sponge.

Nell: Well, actually Malcolm did. His came out quite wrong so Poppy is having to bake one.

Me: How odd. Malcolm’s sponges are normally perfect.

Nell: Yes. He’s a little out of sorts. He was quite short with Timothy.

Me: How unlike him. He’s such a polite flamingo.

Nell: Yes, and he knows we are coming up to a sensitive time of year for Timothy with Thanksgiving and Christmas around the corner.

Me: I’ve had an awful thought.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: What if the Black Claw have got to him and Malcolm is turning bad?

Nell: Malcolm is sick of the rain like everyone else and his sponge had a soggy bottom. Stop that nonsense right now we have a birthday to organise.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I think Dave missed me.

Nell: We all did.

Me: I was only gone one night.

Nell: Yes but David suffers with Separation Anxiety.

Me: He likes everyone to be together. Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: We all do. Henry was most concerned about Horst.

Me: I suppose he would have been.

Nell: Those woodlice are joined at the hip.

Me: Do woodlice have hips?

Nell: That’s not the point.

Me: No. I suppose it isn’t.

Nell: An undercover operation like that involving crossing borders and enemy lines is a major undertaking.

Me: He only went to Heathrow on the train.

Nell: Concealed in a shawl. Anything could have happened. You were unaware so you could easily have lost him.

Me: You should have told me he was in my shawl.

Nell: And defeated the point of the whole exercise? No, it was worth the risk. Both Horst and Walter did well.

Me: What information did Horst give Walter about me, anyway?

Nell: Just the usual. ‘Subject ate a hearty dinner including ice cream’. Things like that.

Me: It wasn’t a hearty dinner.

Nell: That’s not the point. Operation Bait the Beefy is ready to go.

Me: How exciting.

Nell: Scarves are knitted and ready for distribution.

Me: Good.

Nell: Bugs are trained and battle ready.

Me: They can’t be expected to fight.

Nell: Some can bite if necessary.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: Pigeons are poised to receive and transmit.

Me: I wish they’d stop shouting ‘Work harder, stupid’.

Nell: Yes, that’s annoying. But they can’t start being nice, or they will raise suspicion.

Me: Imagine if you heard them saying ‘Well done, Sweetie’.

Nell: Why on earth would they say that? Pigeons only criticise. Everyone knows that. Honestly I despair of you sometimes. I really do.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: What are they doing?

Me: Our hotel room overlooks Heathrow so we are counting planes.

Nell: You sound happy.

Me: I am. It’s so wonderful to have them here. Hasn’t Baby Snail grown?

Nell: You mean Faye Raine, or Rainbow. Yes, she certainly has and Jonathan Sky too.

Me: Yes.

Nell: You all enjoyed your dinner, didn’t you? You had ice cream.

Me: How do you know that?

Nell: Just guessing.

Me: I wore my shawl, by the way.

Nell: Good. I would wear it today too, if I were you.

Me: An odd thing happened yesterday evening.

Nell: Really?

Me: A pigeon was waiting outside the hotel and followed us.

Nell: How annoying. They can be a little pushy. Silly creatures.

Me: It was wearing a peaked cap.

Nell: I expect it was windy. Kev likes to wear his cap in this weather too.

Me: It looked like Walter.

Nell: They all look like Walter.

Me: It appeared to be listening.

Nell: Birds do that. They cock their heads to one side.

Me: And nodding.

Nell: They do that too. Haven’t you noticed?

Me: If I didn’t know better I would say it was spying on us.

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. Who would want to spy on you?

Me: Yes. I wonder.

Nell: What utter nonsense.

Me: I know you’ve been bugging me.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: Just admit it.

Nell: If you must know then yes, we have. It was a trial run.

Me: Did it work?

Nell: Excellently. Horst was able to whisper the information to Walter who flew it home to HQ.

Me: So Big Mother has been watching me.

Nell: We are simply keeping you safe. Just come home now, please. We are all waiting for you. Poppy has baked scones.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Those waves were certainly wild.

Nell: The correct term is Messy I believe.

Me: Messy sounds like Dave after a bacon sandwich.

Nell: Yes, he always seems to get sauce everywhere.

Me: Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Now, have you packed?

Me: More or less.

Nell: Less is more in your case. Literally.

Me: I’ll try to pack the minimum.

Nell: Please do. It’s a Travelodge not the Savoy Hotel. Nobody expects you to change for dinner.

Me: I want to look nice for Alice and the children.

Nell: You know as well as I do that it doesn’t matter what you look like.

Me: Yes. That’s true.

Nell: It’s Family. It’s Coming Home.

Me: Yes.

Nell: It’s all about Cuddles and Love.

Me: I can’t wait.

Nell: I shall be accompanying Kev to the station.

Me: Good.

Nell: You have nothing to worry about. He is in safe paws.

Me: I know. Thank you.

Nell: By the way Knitwear Wolf brought you a soft shawl to wear in your favourite sea blue.

Me: I don’t want to be bugged.

Nell: That’s an ungrateful thing to say. Why on earth would we bug you?

Me: Because you like keeping an eye on me.

Nell: Nonsense. It’s just a lovely shawl.

Me: You’ve got your persuasive face on. The one when you are up to something.

Nell: Up to something? Me? Whatever do you mean?

Me: You are being far too nice.

Nell: Honestly. Wear the shawl or don’t. I couldn’t care less.

Me: Of course I’ll wear it.

Nell: Don’t lose it please and make sure it gets enough air.

Me: Enough air?

Nell: Yes. Shawls can go musty if they are shut in.

Me: It’s definitely bugged.

Nell: Just concentrate on bringing those children home.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Poppy has gone back to bed.

Me: I don’t blame her. Look at the weather.

Nell: It’s Malcolm’s fault.

Me: But Malcolm is the politest flamingo I know. He wouldn’t say boo to a goose.

Nell: Why on earth would be want to do that?

Me: It’s just a saying.

Nell: Did you hear those Canadians yesterday?

Me: Are you talking about the Canada Geese?

Nell: I know they’ve flown in from Canada but do they have to shout about it?

Me: I always enjoy watching them fly over. Anyway, what did Malcolm do?

Nell: He said Poppy’s croissants were a little blonde.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: And they could do with a few more minutes in the oven.

Me: Oh no.

Nell: So she threw them in the garden.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: And a flock of Beefies in knitted scarves stole them.

Me: Well, it wasn’t really stealing if she had thrown them out.

Nell: And as they flew away they shouted: ‘Bit soggy.’

Me: Oh dear. But it is raining so they would be.

Nell: No. They were referring to the baking. And Malcolm says they had a point.

Me: It’s not like Poppy to bake a soggy croissant.

Nell: Quite. Something is bothering her. I think it’s about Kevin.

Me: But he’s doing well and the doctors will sort him out.

Nell: No. Kevin the dancer from Strictly. He was eliminated yesterday.

Me: I didn’t know Poppy was interested in dancing.

Nell: She isn’t anymore. She’s hung up her dancing shoes.

Me: I didn’t know she had dancing shoes.

Nell: I was speaking figuratively.

Me: I thought she didn’t have dancing shoes.

Nell: Of course she has dancing shoes. We all do. They’re next to our wellington boots. Haven’t you noticed them?

Me: Oh yes. Sorry.

Me: Sundays are for snuggling, aren’t they?

Nell: Yes. David comes into his own at this time of year. He is an excellent Snuggler.

Me: Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: How do you feel about cashmere?

Me: It reminds me of my mother.

Nell: The Cat is keen to branch out but Rupert has reservations.

Me: Why?

Nell: He’s not sure about the goats.

Me: I don’t think we need goats, Nell. We’ve got sheep, alpacas and corgis.

Nell: Corgis?

Me: Yes. They are outside again.

Nell: They will be. It’s Sunday Singing.

Me: Hymns?

Nell: Possibly. I think ‘Morning has Broken’ is in the programme.

Me: There are programmes?

Nell: Of course. You can’t be expected to join in Sunday Singing if you don’t have the words.

Me: I didn’t know I was.

Nell: Life just passes you by, doesn’t it? We’ve been Sunday Singing for years.

Me: You have?

Nell: David and Harriet are key soloists.

Me: They are?

Nell: Jim the Farm Dog has a beautiful voice.

Me: Not when he’s shouting at the sheep.

Nell: Of course not. You can’t use a beautiful voice with sheep. They won’t listen.

Me: Apart from Bert.

Nell: Yes. Bert is an exception. Why do you think Jim wears a tie on a Sunday?

Me: Fashion statement?

Nell: Respect. Sunday Singing is important.

Me: Is that why Gladys is wearing a hat?

Nell: We are all wearing hats.

Me: So you are. I never noticed.

Nell: Yes. You never do. That’s why Kev calls you Sherlock Martin. Floating around in your bubble.

Me: Talking of Kev he has asked me to thank everyone for their kind messages of support. They really mean a lot to him.

Nell: They mean a great deal to us all.

Me: Yes, they do. Sorry.

Nell: David is overwhelming Tony again.

Me: He just needs cuddles.

Nell: He’s been crying on Tony’s shoulder.

Me: About Kev?

Nell: Mainly about bacon, to be honest.

Me: Poppy says there will be bacon sandwiches for him later.

Nell: Anyway, I want to talk to you about Tuesday.

Me: Alice and the children are arriving. I can’t wait.

Nell: Yes, and you are staying in London that night.

Me: I know.

Nell: And you will worry about Kev.

Me: Probably.

Nell: Well, there is no need as I have everything under control.

Me: You do?

Nell: Yes. As you know, I was matron at a top hospital so I have the medical training. Poppy will be preparing light, nutritional meals and David knows not to complain.

Me: Good luck with that.

Nell: Harriet has chosen Kev’s favourite book and will read to him.

Me: Which one?

Nell: ‘The Wind in the Willows’ of course. David adores Toad.

Me: I love him too.

Nell: You would. The Welsh corgi choir are on hand with a selection of songs. Now, do we need the Whippets Institute?

Me: I think not.

Nell: Gladys will perform a soothing contemporary dance.

Me: Kev’s actually supposed to be relaxing.

Nell: Don’t worry it’s all going to be in the best possible taste and very low key.

Me: Good.

Nell: I told Gladys we don’t need the drums or the trampoline.

Me: That’s a relief.

Nell: Knitwear Wolf is bringing a beautifully soft knitted cardigan in blue. Kev’s colour.

Me: How kind.

Nell: He is hoping Kev won’t mind the sequins.

Me: What sequins?

Nell: Unfortunately The Cat got involved before Rupert could stop it so now it says ‘Kev’ on the back.

Me: You’ve thought of everything.

Nell: Of course. It’s Kev.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: I’m afraid David doesn’t like heart healthy food. He ate a pork pie by mistake.

Me: It’s only been a day.

Nell: I think it’s the lack of bacon.

Me: Where did he find the pork pie?

Nell: The Farm dogs.

Me: Never mind. Why is everyone wearing socks?

Nell: We are being Considerate.

Me: How kind.

Nell: And our feet were cold.

Me: Sensible.

Nell: And Knitwear Wolf had a new delivery of socks which were far too big for birds.

Me: Birds?

Nell: Yes. The Beefies have placed an order for socks as well as hats and scarves.

Me: You are going to laugh but I thought I heard gentle singing outside our window this morning.

Nell: That’ll be the Welsh Corgi choir. They always sing when they knit.

Me: Not usually outside our window.

Nell: No. But when Myfanwy heard about Kev they relocated the Knitting Circle to here. They thought he might like ‘a bit of Tom Jones’. I quote.

Me: He said he heard ‘Delilah’ but I thought he was joking.

Nell: I don’t think Delilah was there. She’s gone to Cardiff to visit her aunt.

Me: No, I meant the song. Isn’t it cold out there?

Nell: No. They have deckchairs and blankets and Poppy is providing flasks of tea and scones.

Me: What if it rains?

Nell: The Cat has offered the Big House.

Me: I’ve just had a thought.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: I think the Welsh Corgi choir are Knitwear Wolf’s knitters.

Nell: Of course they’re Rupert’s knitters. Everyone knows that.

Me: I hope your socks aren’t bugged, Nell. We don’t want the Beefies finding out about the Corgis.

Nell: Firstly, socks are not being bugged and secondly, we are doing the bugging. Do keep up.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Yesterday was not a good day.

Me: No, it wasn’t.

Nell: But you and Kev are home now and Kev is ok.

Me: Yes. Thank Goodness.

Nell: Shall I explain to everyone why today’s conversation is a little different?

Me: Yes, please.

Nell: You were on a Writers Workshop in the countryside yesterday with no mobile signal, or internet.

Me: Yes.

Nell: So you didn’t know Kev had been rushed into hospital until you were on your way home.

Me: No, I didn’t.

Nell: And you didn’t have a front door key.

Me: No.

Nell: And we were all inside the house.

Me: Yes.

Nell: So you got someone to break a window to release us.

Me: Yes. I did.

Nell: And there was glass everywhere.

Me: Yes.

Nell: You cleared it up and we all waited for our tea patiently.

Me: Fairly patiently.

Nell: And then you drove to the hospital. I wanted to go with you. We all did. But we knew we had to wait.

Me: Yes.

Nell: They did lots of tests to make sure it wasn’t a heart attack.

Me: Yes, they did.

Nell: And it wasn’t but he needs to be careful.

Me: Yes, he does.

Nell: You didn’t get the all clear until 1:20am so you didn’t get home until 2:15am.

Me: That’s right.

Nell: So Kev is sleeping now and I told you we would just let people know. That they would understand.

Me: Yes, I don’t think I’m up to writing much today.

Nell: It’s fine. We are here. Poppy is busy putting together a list of heart healthy recipes and David has agreed to test them.

Me: Yes.

Nell: So no more tears. He is home and he’s ok and we love you. Both.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Where’s Harriet?

Nell: On Bug Watch in the back garden.

Me: Why?

Nell: There have been a couple of unfortunate incidents. Not everyone gets on as well with each other as they should.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: There have also been a few Beefy sightings and Alejandro was woken by a wet fish in his hammock. Susan and Malcolm had it for breakfast.

Me: Can you explain the Whispering to me again?

Nell: Yes. Our bugs are going to influence the Beefies’ decisions by whispering to them.

Me: A bug’s whisper is going to be awfully quiet.

Nell: They are learning to whisper loudly. David has been a great help. He is used to talking to Mutley.

Me: Yes.

Nell: They will be like their little consciences.

Me: Do Beefies even have consciences?

Nell: Gull says they do.

Me: Is Gull in the team?

Nell: Gull is out there in the thick of it all. He, Henry and Horst are working closely together.

Me: Won’t the bugs get tired?

Nell: They’re working shifts. Bugs can be replaced in the knitted hats, or scarves so they can leave when they have enough information. Messages will be relayed by P Mail.

Me: P Mail? Don’t you mean email?

Nell: Certainly not. Walter Pigeon and the Beaky Blinders are on board. They don’t like the Beefies either.

Me: How does P Mail work?

Nell: Pigeons will collect and distribute bugs from various collection points.

Me: Have you considered some may get lost in the field?

Nell: Yes. The risk is high but our noble bugs are prepared.

Me: I don’t think the ones in the socks are going to hear anything and as for whispering…

Nell: Socks aren’t going to be bugged. Try and show a little common sense.

Me: Yes. Sorry.