Don’t be yourself

Me: You haven’t gone strange again, have you? Only yesterday was scary.

Nell: Certainly not. Keep your head low and don’t look out of the window.

Me: Why?

Nell: After Sven Gully’s performance in Kingsbridge yesterday half the town has lost its mind.

Me: How?

Nell: Locals have forgotten how to reverse in the country lanes so tourists are having to do it.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: The surfers are playing Scrabble in dark rooms and the farmers are having lie-ins.

Me: Who is driving the tractors?

Nell: Nobody. The Beefies are having a field day stealing crops and bothering the sheep.

Me: This has to stop.

Nell: Don’t worry. We have a plan. Now, we all need to speak basic Swedish by tea time.

Me: Why?

Nell: Stephen Seagull is coming to tea. Susan has asked him over to talk about the wedding.

Me: I don’t think this is the time to be planning a wedding, Nell.

Nell: It was just an excuse. He is bringing Sven Gully.

Me: Are you insane?

Nell: Mutley is going to hypnotise him. The only way to get everyone back is if Sven releases them.

Me: What if it doesn’t work?

Nell: Mutley can do it. We just have to avoid looking at Sven, talk in Swedish and behave very unlike ourselves.

Me: I’m not sure I can be sporty and bold.

Nell: You are best keeping out of the way. Malcolm is staying in the kitchen but knows he must be rude and obnoxious if challenged.

Me: What about Dave and Gladys?

Nell: They will be shy and retiring with not even a hint of a contemporary dance.

Me: That might be a problem.

Nell: Did David just walk past carrying Gladys in my handbag singing ‘Waterloo’?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Please tell me they weren’t wearing their ABBA costumes?

Me: And long wigs and platform boots. Sorry.

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