Me: You haven’t gone strange again, have you? Only yesterday was scary.
Nell: Certainly not. Keep your head low and don’t look out of the window.
Me: Why?
Nell: After Sven Gully’s performance in Kingsbridge yesterday half the town has lost its mind.
Me: How?
Nell: Locals have forgotten how to reverse in the country lanes so tourists are having to do it.
Me: Oh dear.
Nell: The surfers are playing Scrabble in dark rooms and the farmers are having lie-ins.
Me: Who is driving the tractors?
Nell: Nobody. The Beefies are having a field day stealing crops and bothering the sheep.
Me: This has to stop.
Nell: Don’t worry. We have a plan. Now, we all need to speak basic Swedish by tea time.
Me: Why?
Nell: Stephen Seagull is coming to tea. Susan has asked him over to talk about the wedding.
Me: I don’t think this is the time to be planning a wedding, Nell.
Nell: It was just an excuse. He is bringing Sven Gully.
Me: Are you insane?
Nell: Mutley is going to hypnotise him. The only way to get everyone back is if Sven releases them.
Me: What if it doesn’t work?
Nell: Mutley can do it. We just have to avoid looking at Sven, talk in Swedish and behave very unlike ourselves.
Me: I’m not sure I can be sporty and bold.
Nell: You are best keeping out of the way. Malcolm is staying in the kitchen but knows he must be rude and obnoxious if challenged.
Me: What about Dave and Gladys?
Nell: They will be shy and retiring with not even a hint of a contemporary dance.
Me: That might be a problem.
Nell: Did David just walk past carrying Gladys in my handbag singing ‘Waterloo’?
Me: Yes.
Nell: Please tell me they weren’t wearing their ABBA costumes?
Me: And long wigs and platform boots. Sorry.
